02x11 - Dosey Don't

[bunniefuu]

[RELAXED AMBIENT MUSIC]

♪

How did I get here?

Will someone please tell
me how I got here?!

♪ Tear it down ♪

[SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC]

♪

[WHIP CRACKS]

♪

Well, well, well. Ms. Watson.

Doesn't this place look
fine as cream gravy?

Well, that's mighty kind of you, sir.

And aren't you lookin' right as rain?

Well, thank you, little lady.

Spit-shined my spurs
'specially for the hoedown.

This is my favorite event of year.

Mine too! I look forward
to this magical night

all the school year long.

Might I say you look pretty

as a prize-winnin' pony,

which leads me to, do you have

yourself a date for this fine night?

Oh, I will be accompanied
to the dance tonight.

Well.

Sounds like you're gonna be

busy as a June bug in, uh...

Well, like a bug festival.

I don't know. I... I love the hoedown.

Gotta go.

[SPURS CLINKING]

[HUMMING]

That headset makes you look like you

should be working in
an Arby's drive-thru.

It's for my performance tonight, Deb.

I didn't know you sang.

Uh, yeah, it's actually really easy.

And tonight, one of my students, George,

is bringing his super-famous dad,

. 's The Howler.

The morning DJ?!

[LAUGHS] I won a $
gas card from that guy!

I called in, and he correctly
guessed my cup size.

It was remarkable.

I sent him my demo, and George said,

and I quote, I have "amazing potential."

Really? He's super hard to impress.

He's like the Simon Cowell
of radio, except super fat.

You can hear how fat he is on the radio.

Ew. Why are you dressed like Deb?

I'm in mourning.

Hot Dad and I will never
be together because...

You slammed into his sliding glass door?

Sucked on his face
while teaching sex-ed?

Popped your hymen jumping over a hurdle?

No. Because Hot Dad and
his wife are back together.

I was gonna ask him to the hoedown,

and we would've had our first dance

at the social event of the school year.

But now that's ruined.

I can't eat, I can't sleep,

and I haven't been to
church since Sunday.

It's Monday.

Deb, why don't you go slit your wrists

- like you're always threatening to?
- [SCOFFS]

I'm sorry.

I'm obviously not doing well.

Look, just because Hot
Dad's wife is back in town

doesn't mean they're together again.

Just call a parent-teacher conference

and find out if he's single.

That's what I do with all
my good-looking dads.

That's a great idea. I gotta go.

And make sure to dress like
your version of a hooker!

She's still gonna look like a

-year-old boy in Grandma drag.

I don't know why
everyone gets so excited

about this stupid dance every year.

I know. Who decided the hoedown

was the high point of the year?
I hate school dances.

Yeah, they're bullshit.

Prissy, pre-teen girls waiting around

for a bunch of brain-dead
jocks to pick them out

like some stuffed doll they've
won in a carnival game.

You never got asked to a dance, did you?

- No.
- Me neither.

My best friend Christy Zwicky and

I always used to make plans
to have a girls' night instead,

but then she'd blow me off for a guy.

- Damn. What a bitch.
- Yeah.

[BLEEP]... the hoedown.

I'm not going this year.

Me neither. You know what?

Let's have a girls' night.
We should hang out.

We can drink wine, paint...

Is that what women do together?

Weird.

Okay, I'm in.

So the thing about our
solar system is that

everything revolves around the sun.

If you think about,

I'm kinda like the sun.

Why are you like the sun?

- Because I'm a star.
- So you're over billion years old?

That's strike one, Nora.

Okay, enough science. Who cares?

Tonight, when you take the

stage as my backup dancers,

you will move around me

like the planets revolve around the sun.

However, you will not eclipse me.

We want George's dad, The
Howler, to see Ms. Snap shine.

He will be there tonight, right, George?

I told you a million times. Yes.

[LAUGHS] Oh, my God.

That's crazy. This is really my chance.

Okay, I don't want to put
pressure on you people,

but if this doesn't go well,
I will probably k*ll myself.

"To the coolest lady with red hair,

"when you're around,
I can't help but stare.

"I hope you will give
this student a chance

"and be my date at
tonight's hoedown dance.

"Sincerely, your secret admirer."

Hello, sir. Nice hat.

Thank you. I love a good
pinch front crease.

Feldman?! What are you doing?

I'm driving for Lyft.

But before you freak out,

I'm only driving through
lunch, gym, art,

and my prep period, so technically,

I am not doing anything wrong.

Do you do this all the time?

Only when I'm short on rent.

So yeah, I do it all the time.

And we are off to...

Pamper Me Royally Day Spa?

Oh, what?

I want to look good for
the dance, so sue me.

Guess what, g*ng.

We are gonna take an early recess today.

Doesn't that sound fun?

Off you go.

Come on. Quick like bunnies.

Ms. Bennigan. Hello.

[WHISPERING] Hot Dad.

Hey there, mister, mister!

You look nice.

This old thing?

I found this at the bottom of a shoebox.

A shoebox?

Okay.

Well, I'm glad that you called me in.

I've actually been
wanting to talk with you.

- You have?
- As you know,

Blake's mom is back in town,

and we've been talking a lot.

- And we've decided...
- Ugh!

Sorry, I'm late.

Apparently you can't
vape on school grounds.

[WHISPERING] Hot mess.

And Blake's been making friends in class

despite his age and
drastic size difference.

That's great. But is there a problem?

Well, that depends.

Did you both come here in the same car?

- What?
- Hmm?

[LAUGHS] I'm kidding.

No. There's no problem.

I'm just having unnecessary conferences

with all the parents, but in the future,

should I call you?

Or you?

Or will you be in your house together,

till death do you part, so I
only need to call one of you?

- Um, you can just call me.
- Okay! Great.

'Cause that's what I'm
used to. And I'd hate to

have to break my routine, you
know what I mean, Sharon?

[CHORTLING]

Okay, well, we should get going.

Back to the home you both share?

- I'm sorry, what was that?
- Huh? What?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

- We'll see you tonight.
- Tonight?

Yeah, we're chaperoning
the hoedown together.

Of course you are.

Together.

Okay, bye-bye.

Okay.

Oh, do you wanna hit up Burger Squeeze?

All fried apps are
half-price before : p.m.

and I am jonesing for
an onion ring tower!

[EXHALES]

k*ll me.

I know we're so excited for the hoedown,

and I'm sure you're all
probably wondering,

who is Ms. Watson taking
to the dance tonight?

We assumed you were going alone.

Don't play with me today, Marco.

Let's just say it's not who I'm taking,

it's what I'm taking.

I'll give you a hint:

I'm sure your stomachs are "churning"

- in anticipation.
- Huh?

Ta-da!

Isn't it a beaut?

Your date's an old-timey toilet plunger?

No, it's called a butter churn.

My ancestors brought it over

a little ship called "The Mayflower."

Ever heard of it?

I almost never take it out

of its climate-controlled storage space,

but I thought that the Fillmore Hoedown

was an event worthy
of such an exception.

So... you're welcome.

Cool. Can I play with it?

Absolutely not.

The acid on your fingers could
deteriorate the patina.

[COUGHS]

Okay, I can't have you
coughing near this.

You gotta get out of here, Marco.

Hi, Michael.

I'm really excited about tonight.

I was thinking we could watch

"How Stella Got Her Groove Back."

Spoiler alert: she does.

Hello? Deb?

Gets her groove back, Yeah. Totally.

Hi, Dan.

Which one of these boys do you

think is most likely to invite

someone older and more
mature to the dance?

What?

Nothing.

Ooh, you know what else?

We should prank call Christy Zwicky.

Richard. Tobias. Nelson.

How y'all doin'?

[ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC]

♪

Countdown to infamy

in three, two, one...

♪ Snap outta my life, boy ♪

♪ Snap outta my life ♪

♪ Snap outta my life, boy ♪

♪ Snap outta my life ♪

♪ I asked you for diamonds ♪

♪ I asked you for pearl... ♪

Oh, my God, stop.

It's not that hard, people.

Nora, you were off-tempo
the entire time.

I have an ear infection, Ms. Snap.

I can't hear very well.

That's not an excuse.

Mozart was deaf and he wrote a

whole bunch of famous songs.

I think you mean Beethoven.

[SCOFFS] The dog from the movie?

Don't be an idiot, Nora.

Tony, hit it.

♪ Snap outta my life, boy ♪

♪ Snap outta my life ♪

♪ I asked you for a fur ♪

♪ I asked you for two furs ♪

♪ You gave me nothing ♪

- [GASPS]
- ♪ So get outta my life ♪

My back! [WHEEZES]

Not today!

Feldman? What are you doing here?

Who's teaching your class?

They're at gym.

Why are you going to the mall?

I thought you said that
place was where kids

with over-protective parents
go to get fingered.

- Forget.
- Huh? Come on, man.

You can tell me.

Lyft cone of silence.

Fine.

I need to buy a dress.

Just drive.

[UPLIFTING MUSIC]

♪

What are you doing?

Mary-Louise, I can't take this anymore.

We both know we want this.

♪

♪

♪

[PANTING]

[SULTRY MUSIC]

♪

[GASPS]

You okay?

No.

I can't go to the hoedown tonight

and see Hot Dad and his
wife together. It'll k*ll me.

You need to have a threesome with them.

It'll help you understand their love

and allow you to let go
of some of this anxiety.

I'll just end up watching them

make love while I eat onion rings.

[GROANS]

You're both idiots.

What you need to do is make him jealous.

Find a date for tonight,
put on a really low-cut top,

take a bunch of photos
from a really high angle,

and then post them Instagram

with the hashtag "Best Night Ever."

Yes! I know a ton of hot
guys from Bible camp.

Like Jebediah! He modeled
for Modest Swimwear.

Ooh, or Abraham, if he hasn't succumbed

to the allure of the
gay lifestyle again.

[h*nky-TONK MUSIC]

♪

Ms. Watson.

Is that a th-century butter churn?

With an original dash staff?

Why, yes. Yes, it is.

I can see you're busy

with this handsome piece
of American history.

It's a good thing I didn't ask

you to the dance tonight.

Gotta scoot.

Come on, partners!

Hitch up your horses and

get boots a-stompin'!

Oh, hi, Chelsea,

did you come to learn from this

- relic from our nation's his...
- No. Nobody cares.

George. Where's your dad?

He's parking the car and
brought a producer.

[GASPS]

What are you doing?

I capturing every detail of the

moment my life changed forever.

Now go rehears with the others.

And make sure Nora's in the back.

The way back.

Oh, what? She's dead
weight and you know it.

[MOANS]

What are those?

Muscle relaxants, Mom.

Chill out. My back is k*lling me.

Howdy, gals.

Mary-Louise! Wow.

- You look beautiful.
- Thank you.

- Where's your date?
- Oh, I'm meeting him here.

All the guys from church are at

a men's-only retreat in San Francisco.

So my friend, Mary Catherine,

offered to set me up with
a guy from her Bible study.

Mary-Louise!

I'm Jerry! I'm your date!

Oh Mylanta.

[h*nky-TONK MUSIC]

I knew I couldn't trust Mary Catherine.

She's , and her only job at

church is to light the candles.

What am I gonna do?

If you're lucky, he'll just die.

By golly, Mary Catherine
said you were pretty,

but she didn't tell me you
looked like Doris Day.

Who?

This is Cecelia. Reduce,

re-use, and leave a message.

- [MACHINE BEEPS]
- [COUGHING]

[STRAINED VOICE] Hey, girl,
just calling to let you know

that I'm feeling super sick.

Don't think I'm gonna
make it out tonight.

[HACKING]

Damien!

Where's the good razor?!

You seem very nice, Jerry,

but I think Mary Catherine made a goof.

Oh, Ms. Bennigan, hello.

Hey, girlfriend.

Hello, my friends.

- Who's this?
- I'm her date.

Oh.

Well, it's nice to meet you.

A younger woman! Good for you.

[CHUCKLING]

Jerry and I were just leaving.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

It's so early. I want to hang out.

And I want to hear how you two met.

Does anyone want a beverage?

I brought a little something-something

to give it a kick!

Would you like to see an artifact?

It's a true piece of Americana.

Americana? It's nothing but
a dumb-ass butter churn.

And that tiny hat is stupid.

[ALPHAVILLE'S "FOREVER YOUNG"]

♪ Let's dance in style ♪

♪ Let's dance for a while ♪

♪ Heaven can wait, we're
only watching the skies ♪

♪ Hoping for the best but
expecting the worst ♪

♪ Are you gonna drop the b*mb or not? ♪

Are you my secret admir...

♪ Let us die young or
let us live forever ♪

Hi, do you happen to be my...

No?

♪ Sitting in a sandpit ♪

♪ Life is a short trip ♪

♪ The music's for the sad man ♪

[BLEEP]... my life.

Scoot.

♪ Turn our golden faces into the sun ♪

So...

I hope you didn't
double-park your horse.

No, I always valet my horse.

You rode a horse here?

No. We were joking, right?

Oh. Yeah. Yee-haw!

Damn, they don't have any
sugar-free drinks here.

I need my insulin.

- Hold this.
- What?

What are you doing? Oh...

[LAUGHING]

So...

Was it love at first sight?

Gosh, no.

The love of my life?

I met her when I was
serving in Pyongyang.

[HEAVY ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

Incoming!

Run, Song-Mi!

Don't let 'em get to the water supply!

Get on your feet, freaks!

My muscles are relaxed!

Countdown to infamy.

In three, two, one...

♪ Snap outta my life, boy ♪

♪ Snap outta my life ♪

- Oh, no.
- ♪ Snap outta my life, boy ♪

♪ Snap outta my life ♪

♪ I asked you for diamonds ♪

♪ I asked you for pearls ♪

♪ You gave me nothing ♪

- ♪ So get out of my life ♪
- Ms. Snap, this is a hoedown!

♪ Snap outta my life, boy ♪

♪ Snap outta my life ♪

- ♪ Snap outta my life, boy ♪
- Okay, okay, Chelsea...

Okay, don't touch it!

That's a th-century butter churn!

Please get off of it! Get off of it!

Noooo!

[GROANING]

George?!

Where's your dad? Where's The Howler?

- Did he see that?
- He walked out.

You ruined my life.

How many men did we lose?

None, Jerry.

We're not in Korea.

The hell we're not!

Come on, let's get you home.

I'll call you a Lyft.

Cute couple.

- Feldman?!
- Surge prices, dude!

- I had a lovely time.
- Yup!

Wait, is that a Lyft?

Mrs. Adler?

Hi, Corey.

Are you...?

Yeah, I'm sorry I'm late.

My dad made me clean up
my room before I left.

May I have this dance?

[GIGGLES]

What happened?

What are you doing here?

Deb and I were supposed
to have a girls' night

but she got sick, so I decided

to come see how lame this was.

Oh, hell no! I got Zwicki'd?!

Ms. Cannon!

- Come dance with us.
- What?

Come dance with us!

- You sure?
- Yeah, come on!

Okay.

Ms. Watson?

I know I'm not as exciting

as a colonial butter churn,

but will you do me the honor?

Do you know how to do the Virginia Reel?

I hope so.

My people came over on "The Mayflower."

[BRIGHT POP MUSIC]

♪

Hey, Ms. Bennigan.

I-is Jerry okay?

Yeah. He's fine.

He's not my date.

That's what I figured.

But it was nice of you
to let him think that.

Where's Sharon?

She left.

She left in the middle of your date?

It wasn't a date.

That's what I was trying
to tell you this morning.

Sharon and I aren't together.

We're just working on trying

to co-parent Blake.

Oh. Your relationship didn't work out.

That's great!

I-I mean, not great for you,

but great for someone like me.

I'm gonna stop talking now.

May I have this dance?

♪ Can you imagine
when this race is won ♪

♪ Turn our golden faces into the sun ♪

♪ Praising our leaders,
we're getting in tune ♪

♪ The music's played
by the, the madman ♪

♪ Forever young ♪

♪ I want to be forever young ♪

♪

♪ Do you really want to live forever ♪

♪ Forever... ♪

Will someone please tell
me how I got here?!

Hey, sweet-tits.

You passed out last night
before we could do it.

How about a quickie now
before we leave, huh?

- Uh...
- Hey, dude.

Dropped you off here last night.

Figured you might need a
ride to school this morning.

Threesome maybe?

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

You'll be back.

They always come back.