02x15 - Hot Date

[bunniefuu]

[ROCK MUSIC]

♪ ♪

No. It can't be.

[TENSE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

CHILDREN: ♪ Ring around the Rosie ♪

♪ Pocket full of posies ♪

♪ Ashes, ashes, we all fall down ♪

Chicken pox!

[DISTORTED VOICE ECHOING]

[ROCK MUSIC]

♪ Tear it down ♪

♪ Tear it down ♪

[SIGHS] Lost another one.

Half the school is out with chicken pox.

Ugh. It's such an ugly virus.

Yeah, it makes you feel horrible.

No, I mean, it literally
makes you look ugly.

That's a beautiful dress.

What's the occasion?

Oh, nothing.

I'm just asking Hot Dad out today.

- [ALL GASP]
- I'm sorry, what?

I'm asking Hot Dad out.

- Holy sh*t!
- [SQUEALS]

Whoa, whoa, careful!
That's not Mary Louise.

That's a pod person.

Since he asked me
to dance at the hoedown,

I realized he likes me,

and I like him,

so why not just ask him out?

[BOTH SQUEALING]

My little baby girl's grown up.

It is way too high-pitched
in here for me.

I'm happy for you, Mary Louise.

Hit that fat D for me.

Ugh. She's such a dude.

♪ ♪

And that's the scientific method.

[CHUCKLES] So let's review.

If I say that I think if
I wear this tube top to a bar,

men will buy me drinks, what is that?

- Gary?
- It's a hypothesis,

because you think it's true,
but you haven't proven it yet.

Excellent.

But if I tell you that
I've literally gone to hundreds

of bars wearing this top,
and every time,

a man has bought me a drink,
what does my hypothesis become?

- Jonah?
- A theory,

because you've proven it
over multiple trials.

Very good.

Now, is there a way
for my drink-generating tube top

to become a scientific law?

Nobody? Okay. Well, it's time for gym.

So we'll get that answer later today.

Oh, and tell Coach Bozy

that his short shorts leave
nothing to the imagination,

and thank you. [CHUCKLES]

- Ms. Snap?
- Hey, Lily.

[GASPS] Your sweater is so cute.

Can I borrow it sometime?

How come you never call on me?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't see you raising your hand.

It's probably because
your arms are so thin.

[CHUCKLES] Look! Twins!

But I always raise my hand
during science,

and you never pick me
or any of the girls.

You treat the boys better than us.

That's ridiculous, Lily.

Just today I helped Melissa K.
set up her makeup vlog.

So your hypothesis is false.

♪ ♪

Hey, dude. [SIGHS]

Can I borrow your broom?

I just smashed a cockroach.

I wanted to leave it there
to send a message

to the other cockroaches,
but Pearson said I have to clean it up.

Oh, my...

What's wrong?

You wouldn't understand.

It's a girl thing.

Well, I do possess a vag*na, so...

A group of my sorority sisters,

the ones I actually liked,

took a reunion trip to Mexico
without me.

How do you know?

Uh, Facebook. Hello?

They didn't even have the decency
to make the album private.

Why wouldn't they invite me?

I don't know. You should
call them up and ask them.

- I can't do that.
- Why not?

[SCOFFS] Because that would
make me look crazy.

How could they do this to me?

I told you. Call them up and ask them.

You're doing the same thing
that Jacob used to do.

Stop trying to fix the situation!

God, Deb, this is exactly why
I don't talk to you

about these things!

Okay.

So where's the broom?

Where it always is...

in the closet in between
the Dustbuster and the Swiffer.

How many times do I have to tell you?

♪ ♪

Laura, you know there's
no gum allowed in school, right?

I know. That's why I put it in my hair.

[SIGHS] I'll have to get
some peanut butter.

This is gonna take hours.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Hey.

I'm a little early. You ready for me?

[ROCK MUSIC]

♪ ♪

♪ Huh! ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Huh! ♪

♪ ♪

Oh, I'm ready, Hot Daddy.

Where is everyone?

Half the class is out sick
with the chicken pox.

But don't worry... the kids here
have already had it,

so you're safe.

I'm not worried.
Blake and I already got it

when he was in kindergarten.

It was actually kind of nice.

We took turns taking care of each other.

You want me to pass out
those worksheets?

No.

I want you to go out tonight

with me on a date

with you tonight.

[STAMMERS] I would really like that.

Great. It's a date.

[ROCK MUSIC]

♪ ♪

♪ Huh! ♪

♪ ♪

Uh, sorry.

One of my students tried
to call me out this morning.

- It was so funny.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]

Was it 'cause you're and
you still use glitter as makeup?

No.

Lily P. basically accused me
of being sexist towards women,

which is impossible 'cause I am a woman.

What'd she say you did?

She said I don't call on
any of the girls in science.

That's a thing.
There are studies that show

that girls get called on
way less in math and science.

But I don't do that.

You sure, dog?

A lot of people have a gender
bias and don't even know it.

Are you kidding me?
I love both genders equally.

If anything, I am biased towards women.

I'm always trying
to help them improve themselves

by suggesting they wear
more makeup or lose weight.

I don't do that for men. [SCOFFS]

[ROCK MUSIC]

He's picking me up after school.

[ALL SQUEAL AND SCREAM]

And he's taking me
to my favorite restaurant...

The Great American Pasta Company.

[ALL SCREAMING AND CHEERING]

I'm going to be sugar and spice,
and who knows if I'll be nice?

ALL: Ooh!

I think I'll wear my hair like this.

Oh, what's on your neck?

- What?
- Do you have chicken pox?

- [SCOFFS] No. Of course not.
- Oh, girl...

- I don't have it.
- It really looks like it's...

No, it doesn't look like anything

because I don't have the chicken pox

'cause I have my date tonight,
so stop saying that I do.

[LAUGHING] You're all
becoming hysterical.

It's a neck zit!

Haven't you ever seen a zit
on a neck before?

Then why are you scratching it?

Because, Cecelia,
sometimes zits can be itchy!

- Leave me alone!
- Oh.

- She's got it, right?
- Oh, yeah. Bitch got the pox.

♪ Tear it down ♪

Just keep the oatmeal on
your face for at least an hour.

Mary Louise, I hate to say this,

but you need to cancel your date.

No. He'll think I'm blowing him off.

Tonight was supposed to be
the first date

of the rest of my life.

Girl, I want to be delicate
in how I say this.

You look like sh*t,

like, physically very ugly.

Don't worry.

After this, I'm gonna give you
a rosewater enema.

That, combined with the oatmeal,

should eliminate all of the itching.

Speaking of, what are you
going to do with the oatmeal

once you take it off her face?

What? I thought I'd bake some cookies.

Ugh. Why won't this thing work?

[SIGHS]

[OVERLAPPING CAFETERIA CHATTER]

Hey, can you help me with this software?

It isn't downloading.

Oh, no. I'm bad at computers.

I know how to do it.

Wait. You're good with computers?

Yeah.

You love your dermatologist, right?

- Mm-hmm.
- What's his name?

Uh, her name is Dr. Malloy.

Right, I know that,

because women can be doctors, too.

Brenda! You're back
from maternity leave so soon.

Isn't it hard to be away from your baby?

Why don't you ask Dan that?

He and his wife just had a baby...

a week ago.

Oh, my God.

It's a scientific law.

I'm sexist.

Who made me this way? Because
I did not do this to myself.

Seriously, who gave me sexism?

Someone probably ingrained it
into you when you were little.

But who? [GASPS]

Mrs. Wyatt!

This is all my elementary-school
teacher Mrs. Wyatt's fault!

I used to love science,
and I was really good at it,

but the only thing she
encouraged me in was penmanship!

She said one day I would
write beautiful love letters,

which is bullshit,
'cause all I do now is sext

using peach and eggplant emojis.

If it wasn't for her, I could've
been a hot rocket scientist

working for the NASA!

The NASA!

I look so good in a lab coat.

♪ ♪

Hey, Caroline.

Are you upset with me?

- I'm fine.
- Hmm. Okay.

I'm clearly not fine.

Why did you just say you were?

Because I wanted you to work
to get the real answer?

Dude, just don't look at the photos.

Oh, my God.
Stop trying to fix the problem.

All I want you to do is listen.

Okay.

I can do that.

Thank you.

It's just...

I thought these were some
of my best friends, and...

it really hurt, you know?

It's, like...

did they forget about me,

or did they decide
they don't like me anymore?

What are you doing?

- I'm listening.
- Not like that!

You're supposed to respond.

You're acting like a robot...

a weird, non-blinking robot.

[CRYING] I can't believe
you didn't follow me.

♪ ♪

Thanks so much
for waiting with me, guys.

I feel much better
since I stopped peeing

out of my bottom after that enema.

You must've had a lot of mucoid plaque

- on your intestines.
- Oh, sick.

Great job on the makeup, Caroline.

Whatever.

[BOTH GASPING]

[DREAMY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

- Hey, ladies.
- ALL: Hi!

- Hey.
- Hey.

- You look beautiful.
- I'm fine. How are you?

[STAMMERS]

You know what? Okay.

[CHUCKLES] Thank you. Thank you.

♪ ♪

Oh, my God. This is so beautiful.

Somebody take my picture.

[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC]

♪ ♪

You know, we spend a lot
of time at school together,

but I don't even think
I know where you're from.

- Manhattan.
- Really?

Kansas. [CHUCKLES]

I love doing that.

I went to school at K-State.

We probably passed
each other on the street

and didn't even know it.

No, I would've remembered you.

[SIGHS]

♪ ♪

Where did you grow up?

I moved around a lot as a kid.

Interesting.

Would you excuse me for a moment?

♪ ♪

[FRANTIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Sorry about that.

No problem.

Um, so, yeah, I grew up
in a m*llitary family.

Oh. Your dad was in the Army?

- My mom.
- Oh.

I'm so sorry again,

but will you excuse me
for just one more moment?

- Are you okay?
- Yep. Never better.

[FRANTIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

- Ooh!
- [BOTH CHUCKLING]

I had always wanted to be
a volunteer firefighter.

I feel like it's important
to help people

and to contribute to the community.

You know, I think I forgot
something in the bathroom.

[FRANTIC MUSIC]

[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC]

[FRANTIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

You're masturbating

at The Great American Pasta Company?

This is a family restaurant,
you pervert.

Oh. Ah.

So my first call as
a volunteer firefighter

is actually really funny.

- [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
- We went to this home,

and we didn't see any signs of a fire.

So we knock on the door, and
this little old woman answers.

You know what? I'm just gonna go...

Oh, wait, before you go,
you have to hear this.

Okay.

- There wasn't even a fire.
- Oh?

She just wanted to give us cookies.

So then minutes later,

we get a call from
the same house, same woman...

- No kidding.
- So we go back,

- and again, no fire.
- Oh!

She's just sitting there on the porch,

- waving with more cookies.
- You know what?

- I'm just gonna go.
- I'm almost finished.

I promise the ending
makes it all worth it.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

So then an hour later,
we get a third call

from the exact same house, same woman,

and again, an hour later,
we a fourth call...

How long is this [Bleep] story?

♪ Tear it down ♪

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hey. I heard you were feeling pretty bad

about everything
that happened last night.

So I brought you something
to cheer you up.

Another rosewater enema.

No!

[ROCK MUSIC]

So moving on to science,

where everyone is
valued and appreciated equally,

let's discuss scientific laws.

What are some examples
of scientific laws?

Lily?

The law of gravity.

Yes! That's my girl!

I mean, woman. No... person.

Because you are capable,

and that has nothing to do
with your gender.

Now, who discovered the law of gravity?

- Miranda?
- Newton?

Yes, that's right!
Let your voice ring out!

And what does that law say?

Tiffany?

She wasn't even raising her hand!

Who cares? Tiffany?

I know the answer.
Why aren't you calling on me?

I'm sorry, Gary.

Has me not rewarding you
and feeding into the patriarchy

for two minutes made you uncomfortable?

Would you prefer if the women
stuck to English and poetry

like we're supposed to?

Your time is up.

It's Tiffany's time now.

The law of gravity just
brought you back down to Earth!

[EPIC MUSIC]

Boom!

Hey, Feldman. Guess what.

I fixed my gender bias.

Today I didn't call on one boy.

A few weeks of that, and
they are gonna hate science.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, dog.

You don't even things out
by bringing the dudes down.

You do it by bringing the dudettes up.

You still have a gender bias.

You just changed
who you're biased against.

Oh, my God.

I'm a reverse sexist.

FYI, I hate
these conversations with you.

♪ ♪

Uh-uh.

You're staying on the couch
until you apologize.

I don't even know why we're arguing.

I mean, you started off
mad at your sorority sisters,

and now suddenly you're mad at me?

But I'm on your side.

[HEARTFELT PIANO MUSIC]

Thanks.

I just wanted you
to listen and empathize with me.

I totally understand what you're saying.

♪ ♪

And I'm sorry.

- You are?
- Yeah.

I'm sorry that you got upset,

and that you feel like
I hurt your feelings.

Oh, my God. That is not an apology!

I'd like to apologize
for my behavior earlier,

but it has recently
come to my attention that

our education system does not
treat boys and girls the same...

[VOICE BREAKING]
And it was a lot to deal with.

So today I am changing the world.

[HEROIC MUSIC]

I'm forming a coed science club.

Now, which one of you boys
wants to be president?

Damn it, Mrs. Wyatt!

♪ ♪

[DOORBELL RINGS]

How many times do I have to tell you?

I'm not putting that thing
in my bottom again.

What are you doing here?

I, uh, stopped by the school today

to talk to you about last night,

but everyone said you were home sick.

Yeah.

I got the pox.

[SIGHS] Mary Louise,
why didn't you tell me?

We could've rescheduled.

I know. I should have.

I'm sorry I yelled at you,

and I'm sorry I spent
minutes in the bathroom,

and I'm sorry I stole
a fork from the restaurant

so I could secretly
scratch myself on the way home.

I didn't tell you I was sick

because that's how badly
I wanted to go on the date.

I thought if I canceled,
it might not happen again,

and I didn't want to mess it up,

because that's what I always do,
but that's exactly what I did.

You didn't mess it up.

[GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC]

I have wanted to ask you out

since the moment I met you.

Really?

Yeah.

♪ ♪

You've already had
the chicken pox, right?

♪ ♪

[FRANTIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[EXHALES]
I take it you're feeling better?

[CHUCKLES]

♪ ♪

♪ Tear it down ♪

[REFRIGERATOR DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

[PLAYFUL MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[CAN OPENS]

♪ ♪

[FARTS]

I'm leaving you.

♪ ♪

- [FARTS]
- Ugh!

[ROCK MUSIC]

♪ ♪

- Mrs. Wyatt?
- Yes?

[Bleep] you! Because of you,
I can't remember whether

the Earth revolves around the Sun

or the Sun revolves around the Earth.

My entire life is your fault!

You are the reason
I am not working for NASA,

you rancid bitch!

Um...

I think you're looking for my mother.

She passed away three years ago.

I am so sorry for your loss.

She was a wonderful woman.