33x04 - The Wayz We Were

Episode transcripts for the 1989 TV show "The Simpsons". Aired: December 1989 to present.*

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"The Simpsons" - set in the fictional town of Springfield - parodies American culture, society, television, and many aspects of the human condition, and is a satirical depiction of a middle class American lifestyle.
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33x04 - The Wayz We Were

Post by bunniefuu »

[ELECTRONIC BEEPING AND CHIMING]

Don't rot your brain
on Satan's calculator.

Babies need real toys like these.



- [FANFARE PLAYS]
- It's Princess Maggie.

[COURTIERS EXCLAIMING]

Princess Maggie's here.

Princess Maggie, what's wrong?

The girl is bored.

Royal court,
entertain my daughter at once.

No princess can frown when
her eardrums are pulsing

with the b*at of iambic pentameter.

That's quite a frown.

Out of my way!

I've got no shame or regard
for my own well-being.

Hey, hey!

[KRUSTY GROANS]

You fools have failed the princess.

We have no other option.
We must give her...

- the special gift.
- [GASPING]

- ♪
- [ONLOOKERS CHATTER IN WONDER]

- [ONLOOKERS GASP]
- [ROARS]

Goodbye, Princess Maggie. Goodbye.

[ROARING]

[SCREAMING]

¡Ay, caramba!

♪ ♪

MARGE: Oh, boy.

Homer, your father's

messing up the baby again.

[ELECTRONIC BEEPING AND CHIMING]





[GRUNTING]_

[BELCHES]



[GROANS]

[BELL DINGS]

[WHINNIES]

Way ahead of you, pal.

[WHISTLES]

[LAUGHING]

My eyes...

[HORNS HONKING]

Where did all this traffic come from?

It's like my favorite movie ever,
Cars .

I hated Cars and .

[HORNS HONKING]

[CHUCKLES] I'm unsupervised.

Have no fear.

Safety is here. [GRUNTS]

Traffic, no traffic...
what's the difference?

I got nothing to be late
for and no one who cares.



[HOMER AND MARGE GIGGLING]

Let's take this from Disney+ to HBO Max.

[BOTH GIGGLING]

[HORN HONKING]

HOMER: Oh, Marge, you haven't honked

like this since high school.

It's a traffic jam.

[HORNS CONTINUE HONKING]

[HUMMING]

My, my, look at all those middle
fingers raised to the Lord.

Wait a minute. That car looks familiar.

Hey, that looks like... [GASPS]

[INTRO TO "THE WAY WE WERE"
BY BARBRA STREISAND PLAYS]

No, don't go there, Moe. Don't go there.

Erase, erase, erase!

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[GRUNTS] Oh, come on.

We put up a sign and everything.

This is so unreal.

Why did all this traffic
suddenly appear on our street?

Wayz told me this was the fastest route.

That's important when
you're selling your organs.

Oh, my God, I've heard of this.

That app routes traffic

through a quiet
residential neighborhood,

turning it into a gridlocked nightmare.

["TRAFFIC JAM" BY JAMES TAYLOR PLAYING]

Damn this traffic jam

How I hate to be late,
it hurts my motor... ♪


Sorry, I met someone in another car.

- [LAUGHS]
- ♪ Time I get home, my supper will be cold ♪

Damn this traffic jam

Well, I left my job
about five o'clock ♪


- ♪ It took minutes to go three blocks... ♪

- We need to do something.

This is driving the neighborhood nuts.

Even the guy who's
always in his underwear.

This is more than I put on for Zoom.

Enough with the traffic.

I'm calling a neighborhood meeting.

[BELL CHIMING]

TOWN CRIER: Neighborhood Meeting.

Neighborhood meeting.

Please rate my app. Please rate my app.

Two stars? My IPO is ruined.

Ruined! Ruined!

[HORNS HONKING]

We're here to talk about

the terrible problem on our street.

- Finally.
- About time.

We assume you're talking
about you, the Simpsons.

BOTH: Wha...?

I've seen the boy's moons more times

than I've seen the real one,
and I'm an astronomer.

What's wrong with us?

You haven't stopped by
to say hello in years,

and I live next door.

The only good one's the baby,
and she sh*t a guy.

[NEIGHBORS MURMURING]

Wait, are we ignoring
the elephant in the room?

By which I mean the big, fat husband.

Every time Homer wears corduroys,

I just hear those thighs scraping,
scraping, scraping.

Oh, my God. I'm starting to get the idea

you think we're not good neighbors.

[PANTS SCRAPING]

You see? You see?

Now, don't worry, my friends.

I'm stepping forward
to fix this traffic.

And by doing so, maybe...
just maybe I'll fix

my reputation with you all.

So just say to me what I say
to Tinker Bell: "I believe."

And... off I go.

[PANTS SCRAPING]

Um... no.

"Identify all traffic lights."

Done.

"Identify all yield signs."

Done.

"Identify all the crosswalks."

Oh! Lisa, help me.

Done.

"Identify all fire hydrants."

Done.

Jesuits? Done.

th-century dictators?

Uh, overrated fiction?

[GROANS] Hyperintelligent
cartoon characters?

Vegan nut milks?

Future criminals?

Aah! New England doorways!

Oh, forget this. I'm calling instead.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
You've reached Wayz customer service.


You have , callers ahead of you.

Now, please enjoy the frustrated
noises of other callers on hold.


[PEOPLE GROANING]

WOMAN: I'm gonna blow my brains out.

- [BIRDS SINGING]
- [ENGINES RUNNING]

- [HORN HONKS]
- You again?

[HORN HONKING]

Can it be her, after all these years?

The woman I thought was the
one stuck behind my car?

["THE WAY WE WERE"
BY BARBRA STREISAND PLAYING]

Mmm, mmm

Mmm-mmm-mmm, mmm-mmm-mmm...

Hi, Moe. I missed you.

I never should've left.

Maya. The longest,
best relationship of my life.

That was a great six days.

You're a good kisser.

[CHUCKLES]: Yeah.
I practice by siphoning gas

out of other people's tanks.

So, is there a knob or an
"open sesame" type deal or what?

My house is over there.

MOE: Wha...?

♪ ♪

Every day since you left me,
I've written you a letter.

Really wish I had gotten your address.



So, how you been, Maya?

Well, I finally got my PhD.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

You taking medicine for that or what?

[LAUGHS]: Oh, Moe.

It's nice to laugh again. How are you?

Oh, I-I'm doing great.

Yeah, the factory closed,
so there's lots of new drunks.

And, uh, oh, the bathroom possum

is getting real good at
handing out them combs.

[SIGHS] Who am I kidding?

My life is a wreck, Maya.

The face recognition software
on my phone says, "Yuck."

My playlist only has breakup songs.

[À LA RODNEY DANGERFIELD]:
It's rough, I'm telling you, yeah.

I miss you, Moses Marie Szyslak.

Oh, no, no, no.
Please don't give me that look.

I can't go through it again, Maya.
I can't.

Ah, just look at you walking
toward me, coming closer,

with those big green eyes of yours

and the great-smelling hair,

skin smoother than American cheese.

But I want a drink now.

♪ ♪

Oh, I wish this moment could
last forever, like, uh...

uh, I don't know, uh,
Henry Winkler's career.

Boy, that guy never jumped the shark.

Not even when he jumped the shark.

Just so I know, have you had
another girlfriend since me?

Uh, not really, no.

Uh, no one could match you.

I mean,
I have been catfished a few times.

Hey, Moe.

[CHUCKLING]: It's us, "Online Gloria."

I'll k*ll you! Also, I love you.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh, Moe, you poor guy.

MOE: Oh, everything is perfect.

Which it always is until I say,
"I love you."


I love you.

[CHUCKLES]: I love you.
Will you marry me?

- [BUZZER BLARES]

To hell with women.

I love you, New York.

Help me. Spider-Man!

[SIGHS]

Professor, can you get
the traffic off our street?

I'll give you anything except for money

or credit for what you did.

The only way to defeat
a global data behemoth

is to get into the source code.

Just look what I did here on, uh...
on the Wikipedia.

[IMPRESSED MURMURING]

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to Wayz.

We figure out the fastest route
to get you where you want to go.


Our secret? Always collecting data.

But we would never misuse it.

[CHUCKLING]:
Who do you think we are, Google?


Disclaimer: We're owned by Google.

I've got the answer. What if

we made your street...
[MUTTERS GIBBERISH]

...not exist?

Well, where would we live?

[CHUCKLES]: Well, that's quite silly.

It would, of course,
still exist in real life,

but I could make it
disappear from the database.

[MUTTERS GIBBERISH]

- All right, let us see here.
- [TYPING]

Uh, keystrokes, keystrokes, escape key,

both colon and semicolon,
backslash, backslash,

ampersand...

we come to a new day on
"no such street."

[CHUCKLES, MUTTERS GIBBERISH]

[SIMPSONS GASPING]

Never again will we be afraid of cars.

MAN: Get thee out of my way, English!

It's time to play in the streets!

Haw-haw!

[WHIMPERS] Climate change is real.

[APPLAUSE]

They know I did this. They're making

eye contact with me. Eye contact.

Even the guy with the
boat in his driveway.

Hey, hey, Homer,
want to come on my boat with me?

- In the water?
- Eh, we'll see.

Uh, one step at a time.

I will never get tired of this.

Never. Never, ever.

So, what do you feel like doing?

I don't know, I... I feel like singing.

You're bringing me sunshine

Moe

It's like vodka with fresh lime ♪

Let it flow

I'm having a fun time

Whoa

Serving up red wine

Pinot

I drink more than I should

Don't it, don't it,
don't it, don't it ♪


Don't it, don't it feel good. ♪

[BELCHES]

Hey, are you guys an item again?

[CHUCKLES] Well, maybe, maybe.

We definitely are.

He has a toothbrush at my place.

Yeah, but, yeah, it's a rental.

Moe's the best thing
that's ever happened to me.

And this time, it's gonna last.

Way to go, Moe. Three cheers.

ALL: Hip, hip, hooray!

Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip...

Homer, come in the alley with me.

[GASPS] My doctor warned me not
to cut off a "hip, hip, hooray."

[TAKING DEEP, GASPING BREATHS]

Look, Maya left me once.

I just know she's gonna leave me again.

This-this is a disaster.

You're the only guy here who
knows how to hold on to a woman.


What is your secret?
How do you keep Midge?

Well, it's, uh... it's, um...

Hmm.

It helps if you get them pregnant.

Please, I need some actual,
real advice here.

Yeah, I better call Midge.

Hello.

Honey, I'm here in the alley with Moe.

The only woman who ever
loved him came back,

and he's afraid she's
gonna leave him again.

What should he do?

Hand him the phone.

Moe, trust love.

Gotcha.

Your wife's an idiot.

Another tray of doughnuts.

This time from that family over there.

Geez, I can't take all this adulation.

This must be what drove
Randy Quaid crazy.

Mr. Simpson, will you throw out

the first pitch at my
Little League game?

Want to have coffee on my
boat in the parking lot?

Do you ever take it in the water?

Not yet.

Please, I'm just here to eat.

Geez, you were mad they didn't like you,

and now you're mad they like you.

I just want to be left
alone with my to-do list.

Excuse me.

Will you be godfather to my baby?

Let me see it.

Ugh. Pass.

Okay, Moe. I'll be back in minutes.

I'm just getting some stuff for dinner.

- Love you.
- Mwah.

Love you, too.

MOE: Moe. Oh, Moe.

Huh?

Look at you. Look at us.

She's not gonna come back.

- They never come back.
- Oh, yeah?

Well, this time,
I'm not gonna listen to mirrors

or mud puddles

or my upside-down face in a spoon.

This time, I'm gonna believe.

Oh, no, you're not.

No one could love you.

Stop it, stop it, stop it!

What does it take to
get a beer around here?

BOTH MOES: Shut up!

Shut up? I would stop coming here

if you weren't the only
place in stumbling distance.

You are not real.

You're just that nagging
voice of self-doubt

that lives in my head.

That's right. Easy in, easy out.

Well, this time, I'm gonna stop you

before you wreck my life.

[GRUNTING]

Now you're a loser with
seven years bad luck.

[LAUGHING]

♪ ♪

No one likes you

You're the worst

We'd all be happy if
your head just burst ♪


The world could
not hate you more ♪


You lousy, oozing canker sore ♪

[LAUGHING]:
I guess what we're trying to say is...

You'll die alone.

You're right.

You beautiful bastards are right.

[GROANS]

- [WHISTLES] - Mm-hmm.
- Ah, yeah.

Huh? What the...?

Moe? You're hiding here?

Yeah. Bart's treehouse is the one place

no one will look for me.

Plus, there are no girls allowed,

which, uh, helps.

Moe's going through a tough time, son.

Just play around him.

We'll just pretend he's a dead,
rotting alien.

Thank you, son.

[MILHOUSE AND BART
IMITATING WEAPONS BLASTING]

[SOBBING]

The alien's alive!

- And it has feelings.
- k*ll him!

[BOTH RESUME IMITATING WEAPONS BLASTING]

[GROANING, SOBBING]

I'm sorry, no breakfast

until you get Moe out of the treehouse.

And I'll keep your bacon
safe while you're gone.

Thank God I have my pocket bacon.

Moe, you can't stay here anymore.

Sure, I can.
Uh, you want some eggs with that?

I got 'em out of that nest over there.

Just one.

I don't want to be rude.

Listen, Moe, every once in a while,

a beautiful woman falls in love
with a homely guy like us.

You got to make the most of it.

If Kevin James can find happiness,
why can't you?

[LAUGHS]:
And he was always wearing shorts.

You know, after all these years,
I dated all these women,

and it always just goes
back to square one.

Lonely old Moe.

Well, there is a way around that.

You could propose.

Wha...?

What are you proposing I propose?

I mean the big "M."

- m*rder-su1c1de?
- No.

- Marriage.
- [CHUCKLES]: Marriage? Whoa.

You mean I could have
the thing you're always

coming into my bar and moaning about?

You know what? She's worth it.

I'll give it a sh*t.

Okay. This is as far as we go.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

Let me just straighten myself up.



You'd better speak fast,
or for the second time,

you're gonna lose the first good thing

that's ever happened to you.

I'm so sorry. You're great, so great,

and all I've been is afraid.

[GASPS]

But all I got to do
is look in your eyes.

Baby, I love you so much.

You stick with me,
you'll get everything you ever wanted.

I will never doubt you again.

You can control the remote.

You can pick all our vacations.

And because I know
the ladies like it this way,

I will leave the toilet seat on.

Maya, will you marry me?



Forget it, loser.

Gorillas like us don't get the girl.

We're lucky if our cage
gets hosed down once a week.

Yes.

I knew it! That's it.

I'm never getting up again.

Staying here, on the ground.

Wait, you-you said yes.

Yes, Moe. Yes.

["THE WAY WE WERE" PLAYING]

Memories

Light the corners of my mind

Misty, watercolored

Memories

Of the way we were.

Good song, but, uh, the movie is crap.

[CRYING, SNIFFLING]

What is it, Mosie?

Oh, it's just, uh...

I ain't never been able to use this...

until now.

_

- [SOBS]
- Aw.

Here you go, my good man.

Eh, this expired-a ten years ago.

Ah, damn it!

LISA:
"Identify all the existentialists."

Celebrity chefs.

Very soft minerals.

Bebop jazz musicians. Yes!

Tropical birds.

Chess grand masters?

Stone fruits?

American Revolutionary battles?

Nail shank diameters?

Aah! And I'm in. Ha.

MARGE: Lisa, time for bed.

LISA: Oh, man.

Shh!
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