02x01 - Frankie

[bunniefuu]

Say something.

[sighs] Can we... Can
we get out of here?

I'll try and explain.

- Is it much further?
- I don't recognize anything.

I haven't been here since I was little.

I cannot believe Auntie
Joan left it to me.

It is such a beautiful cottage.

No signal, ergo, no maps, y'all.

Too many people rely on maps.

Like, we should just trust
our intuition a bit more.

- [Mal] No signal here either.
- Oh, bugger!

I meant to call Helen.

She would k*ll me if I don't
check in, with her bare hands.

[chuckles] She really could.

- Why didn't she come with us?
- Oh, she hates the countryside.

She says, "Once you live in
the city, why go backwards?"

Ooh, erm...

Well, it's definitely
smaller than I remember.

[Luke] Hmm...

Anything else different?

[mumbles quietly]

Well, it's a beautiful view.

We could grab some firewood,

set up with a few drinks,
make a night of it.

[laughing] Yeah!

Or we could check into the nearest
boutique hotel for a hot stone massage.

Come on, Luke. We'll drink till it
feels like we're sitting on chairs.

Yeah, and we can sleep
on the planet's surface,

like we do every night.

I'm sorry, what now?

Just the spectacle of you having to
go without your creature comforts.

What is that supposed to mean?

You're the only guy I know that
wears more than one moisturizer.

Er, no, I wear one moisturizer,
one advanced cell-structure buffer,

and one post-shave hydrator.
That's three lots of ones, so...

[Mal] Looks like some old
tarpaulin over there we could use.

All right. That's settled.

Me and Frankie will go
into town and get extras.

Ooh, I'll come, too. Get
some signal to call Helen.

Oh, Dyl, could you help me
get the tarp out the back?

- Hello.
- [Luke] Here they are.

- Right, who wants a drink?
- Sounds good.

Can't. Off the booze. Got
to keep my sperm quality up.

Why don't we do some mushrooms instead?

You do know that alcohol is
actually fruit that's rotted.

- Like... like, these are fresh.
- They're the healthy choice!

[inhales sharply] No, thanks.
I'm, er... I'm watching my weight.

Hmm?

[chuckles nervously]

[Evie] Can I ask, is
everything okay between us?

[Dylan] Yeah, of course. Why?

[chuckles] Because ever since
that girl's party when we...

you know...

I don't know, it feels...

feels like things are a
bit off with you in general.

I mean, what's Frankie about?

I think she's about .

Well, she doesn't really
seem to be your type.

Well, my type's been a
disaster, and I don't...

I don't have to think about Frankie,

so that just... That seems easier.

[Evie] Easier than being yourself?

Yep, that's the idea.

I don't know. I think
that's kind of sad.

I like your old self.

I sort of...

loved those things about you.

And... I know things move
on, that's fine, but...

Well, don't get rid of
all your good things.

[scoffs] I...

I think what you're saying is you
think I should propose to Frankie.

[Evie laughs] Yeah.

[Frankie] What's so important
about calling your wife?

[Angus] I have to check in, in case
her internal temperature changes.

We're trying for a baby.

Oh, I had a bar! We should
reverse and try find it.

- We'll be in town soon.
- No, no, but it was a bar!

A delicious bar of signal! [laughing]

- Everything all right there?
- [laughing]

- He's probably hallucinating.
- [Dylan] Why would that be happening?

- I gave him some mushrooms.
- [Angus] Ooh.

- They're perfectly healthy!
- [laughing]

Frankie said they won't affect my sperm.

[Angus continues laughing]

[Evie sighs] What's the plan?

Plan is I'm gonna build
a fire... right here.

- Are you sure that's a good idea?
- Why would it not be a good...

I can build a g*dd*mn
fire, lady, all right?

Just because I take care
of my beautiful skin...

- I'm not saying that, Luke. I'm not...
- Shh!

I don't need advice, all right?

I need big logs and a lot of leaves.

Don't want to rain on your
parade, but big logs and leaves...

Leaves will be damp this time of year

and the logs won't catch
without a sh*t-ton of kindling.

Okay, well, that's your opinion.

It's also how logs, leaves,
and twigs and fire work?

[grunting] Er, I think I'll be fine.

Well, I'm just gonna start
working the shelter then,

and possibly a small backup fire?

- You know, just in case.
- [chuckles]

Okay, well, uh, anyone need my help?

[Luke and Mal] Not me!

Found one! Straight off
the bat. Massive twig.

- Have you done mushrooms before?
- [laughing] I'm not a five-year-old child.

No, I haven't done them before.

[Frankie] Look, just
mellow out and ingest them.

I'm being sensual, okay?

- Let me feed you.
- I'm driving!

You can do both. It's called
multitasking. Women do it all the time.

What, start tripping
at miles per hour?

- Come on.
- Frankie, f*ck off!

[muffled giggling]

Oh, a bar! A bar! [groans] It's gone.

[blows]

f*ck you, Bear Grylls.

Hey, this isn't exactly what
I had in mind for this weekend.

I wanted us to do stuff
together. Us... and Mal.

What? Why?

Because we've been going out for
a year and you barely know him.

[sighs] Not true at all.

- [Luke exhales heavily]
- [Evie] Oh?

What's his surname?

[scoffs]

- Only old people use surnames.
- Luke.

I know Mal is a nice guy, all right?

Yeah, he's a lot more than that.

It would mean a lot if
you made more of an effort.

[sighs]

Fine, we'll combine forces.

But to be clear, I'm doing this for you,

and not because this
fire hasn't lit yet.

It's gonna be glorious.

Yeah, yeah, it looks... looks great.

[Frankie] I thought you were
supposed to be this cool, older guy,

but it turns out you're
just old and judgmental.

- I'm sorry I let you down.
- I think she's talking to me.

Are you gonna do the shrooms or not?

I need to reconsider what
I'm doing with my life.

You should become a vet!

- Whole thing was a mistake.
- Or a pilot!

- Make him stop.
- Why can't I stop?

- 'Cause you're off your face.
- Am I? Oh, am I?

Oh, sh*t, guys, am I?

Just two or three, okay? So
we're on the same frequency.

[spits] No!

Oh, my God! You're being an assh*le!

- [Dylan] I can't do this anymore.
- Ooh!

It was meant to be easy,
and it's really not.

Let me out. Seriously, let
me out! Drop me at a bus stop!

- We all getting on a bus?
- We are breaking up.

What? But you guys
are brilliant together!

- [rock music playing on radio]
- Yeah!

[indistinct chatter]

Sweet mother of God,
that's a fine blaze.

All the bits you want to be on
fire are all just basically on fire.

Making fires that burn.

We had an actual lecture on
it in the army. [chuckles]

[chuckling] Very good. Good.

No, I'm serious. I was in
the army for four years.

What?

Surely you knew that. I have
told you that before, Luke.

No offense, Evie, but
sometimes when you talk,

it's like having the radio on. It's
lovely, comforting background noise

that I don't feel
obliged to concentrate on.

- Thank God he said "no offense."
- You was in the real, actual army?

Affirmative.

- [laughs] That's army speak for "yes."
- Oh.

Okay, tell me. How much you bench, guy?

- Quite a lot.
- Looks like it, yeah.

Mind if I have a squizz on the g*ns?

It might be fairly weird... Okay!

[gasping] Oh! Christ,
that's a tight wad!

Okay, I'm gonna go get some more wood.

Can't believe you didn't
tell me about this, Evie.

So what's the secret, Malcolm? Eat
clean, train dirty, yeah? [sniffs]

Do you mind if I grab a pec?

- [stammers] I would mind.
- Okay, okay.

Helen? Yes! Strong signal!

How's your temperature?

Sure? Sure? Sure? Okay.

Could you check she's gone?

So do you have to go back?

Don't know. [grunts] Forgot to ask.

Look, I don't think I can now, can I?

- [music playing in passing car]
- Whoo!

[vocalizing]

Definitely not. Let's pack you up.

[muffled laughing]

You'll die if you stay in there.

It's like being in winter
inside a bit of furniture.

[gasps] It's like Narnia!

- You're crushing their oven chips.
- No, come on. Get in.

It was roasting out there, but in here,
my buttocks have gone completely numb,

but my nipples feel very nice indeed.

I'm not coming on to you.

Okay.

No, no, I just realized I was talking
about my buttocks and my nip-nips.

It sounded like I was coming on to you,

but I'm just naming
bits of me that are cold.

You could get out of the freezer.

No.

Could you get out of
the freezer, please?

I can still see you.

We've been watching you on the CCTV.

So pay for your stuff and
leave, or I call the police.

[whispers] What do
you think we should do?

Stick of gum?

That's good gum.

Ice cool, right? [chuckles]

[Evie chuckles] What are
you guys doing up there?

Waterproofing the roof.

Evie, Mal's gonna build his
own house one day from scratch.

- You know what scratch is?
- Really?

Scratch is from nothing! He's
gonna build it with his bare hands.

Sort of a dream of mine.

- Hmm. Didn't know that.
- Build a house, fill it with kids.

- Oh, right.
- [Luke] Roger that, skip.

[chuckles]

Ooh, cripes.

I ate quite a lot of
dried fruit in the car,

and now I need what the French
call un sh*t très grand.

How many kids?

- Where'd you say the toilet was?
- There isn't one.

When you say "fill
the house with kids..."

how many is "full"? [chuckles]

- The toilet, Evie?
- There isn't one.

Three, maybe four?

Earlier you said you used the ladies'...

Yeah, as in, I went behind a log. Er...

Four's quite a lot of kids. [chuckles]

Look, can we please stop talking about
having a family, guys? This is serious!

I can't sh*t outdoors, all right?
I'm a three-ply kind of guy.

A flushing toilet is essential.
I'm not compromising on that.

- Not compromising with who?
- Well, what am I supposed to do?

- [groans]
- [sighs]

[groans] I am not taking a
sh*t on that shovel, Evie.

- [sighs] Dig a hole.
- Dig a... [gasps]

That's barbaric!

Letting fly in nature is a
pretty liberating experience.

Trust me, it's a beautiful thing.

I'm going to find a toilet.

[stammers] I'll come with you!

I need to use the toilet as well.

Wait, Luke!

Angus, if a girl you've been maybe
sort of suppressing feelings for...

If she turned around and told
you that she once loved you,

and for being the best version
of yourself, would you...

I mean, should I...

Stop.

You've completely lost me.
I need one-word questions.

Come on. We need to get back.

[panting] Er, does four
sound like a lot to you?

I don't have time for this.
I've gotta find a toilet.

Did he mention how soon he
thought this needed to happen?

What is the big deal?

He's a great guy! He loves
you! He wants a future with you!

Some of us have got
real problems! [gasps]

[laughs]

sh*t! Oh, my God!

- What?
- Where's Frankie?

She went home on a bus. Ages ago.

Oh, right.

What do you think that man
in the supermarket meant

- when he said "we've been watching you"?
- [thumping]

- Oh, Richard!
- [brakes screeching]

- Who's Richard?
- I don't know. I panicked.

[groans]

[sighs] sh*t.

[panting] Anything I can help with?

Just think that through. At this moment,

is there literally anything
you could help anyone with?

No.

[whistling]

What's with the whistling?

I'm being nonchalant. I don't
want anyone to know I'm tripping.

I'm the only person here.

We were told we were being watched.

That was in the supermarket,
and it was specifically

'cause you got into
their frozen vegetables.

sh*t! Do you think we
can get this changed?

The walk back's f*cking miles.

Wait! We have... Angus!

sh*t! f*ck!

[muttering] f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.

Angus!

[continues muttering]

[Dylan] f*cking idiot.

Luke, where are you going? [laughs]

There is always a toilet if
you want one badly enough, Evie.

There's nowhere.

- You're gonna have to...
- [gasps]

There's movement. I'm out
of time here. What do I do?

You dig.

f*ck!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Are you leaving?

- Good luck.
- [scoffs]

[gasps]

[faint growling]

[heart b*ating steadily]

[gasps] My God.

It's beautiful.

[deer shrieks]

[grunting]

Angus!

- Angus!
- [Angus whispers] Dylan.

Angus.

I'm up a tree.

Sorry I abandoned you.

- Successful trip?
- Didn't stick around to find out.

I wanted to talk to you.

- Me, too. I...
- [Luke] Thank you!

Whoo! [laughs] Poo-poo!

[laughing]

What for?

Yesterday, I'd have refused, man.
I'd have tried to hold that sucker in,

but you inspired me.

You. It was...

[exhales] beautiful.

Did you manage to wash your hands?

[exhales] No way. I'm
au naturel now, baby.

- Okay, great.
- [sighs]

Hands by your sides.

This guy, Evie. A m*therf*cking
keeper! I'm just saying.

I'm gonna head to the woods

and build you both a
special place to take a sh*t.

- I could use a hand finishing up...
- I've found my thing, Mal.

Let me do this for you. [sighs]

- Look, will you please come down?
- [Angus] No, I think Helen's stalking me.

- Shh!
- It's not her style to follow you.

She'd just... she'd just walk up
to you and start shouting at you.

Yeah, that's what she
wants you to think.

- Come down!
- Ooh! Hey, guys.

- [gasps]
- I'm looking for trees with low branches.

Somewhere you could sit
for like... ten, minutes.

I need to get Angus down from
the tree, and I need to see Evie.

Oh, she's, er, she's back at
the cottage. What's the rush?

I think... And I've been doing
my best not to look at this,

but I think... I love her.

Love-her-like-a-sister kind of love?

No, the other kind.

Look, I know... I know that's
a lot to take in, but...

I think she might feel the same,

or she used to. What?

Nothing. No, nothing.

- What?
- It's...

She seems kind of happy with Mal, man.

[scoffs] Since when do we care about
Mal? This is my life we're talking about.

I've been walking around
with a stone in my throat,

- and I think she's the reason why.
- Uh...

- Do you think we should talk about it?
- No, no.

I talk about everything.

I never stop talking,
and it kills everything.

[chuckling]

Okay.

Well, I'm here for you, whatever.

Oh, dear. Whoa! [groans]

I'm okay!

Are you happy?

I am.

I think we'd last the
winter here, if we wanted.

[both chuckle]

Sorry about earlier.

- I was just a bit thrown...
- No. No, no, it's not...

Just 'cause I know what I want,

it doesn't mean you have
to want those things, too.

I want a life with you, not to
fit you into my idea of a life.

And anyway, there's
no pressure, 'cause...

Well, if you say no, I'm
pretty sure Luke will say yes.

[laughs]

[both chuckle]

Are you proposing to me?

Maybe.

Can I eat it or do I wear it for life?

You don't think I'm being serious.

Serious is not that
commonplace with you.

Well?

Are you asking me to marry you?

I think for a long time I've had
other people's ideas in my head...

about what things are supposed to be.

And I'm realizing that...

none of them knew what the
f*ck they were talking about.

And so that leaves me, and
what I want and what I think...

And I can see myself
growing old with your face.

In your imaginary house.

[both chuckle]

I'm just...

I'm just saying, if
you were to ask me...

I don't think I'd necessarily say no.

Hey, guys!

Where have you been?

Caught these animals in the woods.

Starting to worry about you.

- Oh, where's Frankie?
- There's no more Frankie.

Are you okay? You look a bit bummed out.

I'll just drink my way through it

until the ground feels like an
armchair. Something like that.

You think it's not a
good sign that my paranoia

was bumping into my wife?

I think maybe I should speak to her.

[all] Yeah.

Skoal?

- [all chuckle]
- [Evie] Skoal!

[all] Skoal!

[birds chirping]

I should have another go at
lighting that bad boy. It's freezing.

[sighs] Evie's really happy, isn't she?

[inhales deeply] Talking
about getting married.

I mean... [sighs] f*ck.

I'm not gonna mess with that.

I want her to be happy. I really do.

How badly do you love her?

[breathes sharply]

It'll change. It'll go.

What if it doesn't, dude?

It will.

I've been in love...
quite a lot. [chuckles]

Believe me, it always goes.

Has to.

_

I'm not in love with you.

I'm just... I'm just
doing what I always do.

And I'm going to miss it being
us after you get married and...

That's all. That's... [chuckles softly]

That's what I've been saying
to Luke. That's what Luke meant.

Look, I don't know
where I'm headed and, um,

I don't want to get lost
without you and be on my own.

It's selfish. That's...

That's how I love you.

Say something.

I get it. [chuckles]

Maybe you, me and Luke
should've got married. [chuckles]

[chuckles] We'd have spent
our lives doing Luke's laundry

and making him packed lunches.

Yeah, he really needs to eat healthier.

Yeah. [chuckles]

The other thing with Luke is...

Dylan.

This is complicated.

It's also really simple.

You ask me what I want and...

I want to be your best man. I wanna...

I wanna walk you up the aisle and...

I want you to be happy...

for the rest of your life.

That matters to me.

I want those things for you, too.

Yeah, well...

[sniffs] I'm working on it.

I should not have done that.

That was... I was...

[exhales] I don't know.

It's good, man.

Cleared the air.

Okay, did it change anything?

I don't want it to change anything.

I don't wanna get in anyone's
way anymore. I... [inhales deeply]

I've got to grow up.

Well, how?

Um...

I have no idea. [chuckles]

[both laughing]