02x03 - Amy

[bunniefuu]

How do you meet anyone sitting here?

It's early, mate. Everyone's sober.
You have to wait that bit out.

I think I might be running out of time.

Bars don't close till : .

No, I mean, generally.

I'm already one marriage down.

Everyone else is going to overtake me.

Oh, women love it when men
rant about time running out.

Throw in something about
their declining fertility

- as well there.
- [both chuckle]

The worst thing is, I had someone.

- Could you and Helen still...
- No, no, I don't mean Helen.

No, that is well and
truly buggered. [chuckles]

I mean Holly. That girl.

[exhales] She was amazing.

Yeah, you'll find someone else.

Ooh, Luke promised to help me,
but we're still sitting here.

Because it's early, Angus.

If I leave it too long, I'll get tired,
and I won't want to stay up to have sex.

There's your opening line.
Show the lady your schedule.

It's all right for you guys, though.

Engaged. Gorgeous girlfriend.

Not attached, but obviously
delighted about that.

Are you?

- What?
- I was asking if you're all right.

- You seem a bit...
- I'm good, I'm good.

Yeah, I'm good. I'm great. I'm
better. I'm the best. The bestest.

Okay, saddle up, Angus. I'm
gonna take you for a spin.

Ooh, are we gonna talk
to some actual women?

You make it sound so exotic.
"Oh, what are these women things?"

[laughs] You don't count.

- He's gonna be married again by Tuesday.
- [both chuckle]

Nice to be out together

without Luke screaming
that I'm in love with you.

[inhales sharply]

Sorry. sh*t. Sorry. Er...

- It's okay. [chuckles]
- [sighs]

Er, who's this girl that
Angus says you're seeing?

Er, Abigail. She's on my,
erm... The chlamydia list.

There's the beginning
of your wedding speech.

Yeah. Er, anyway, she got in touch to
say that I haven't given her chlamydia.

She's great. She's
good. I really like her.

I'm not saying that
'cause of what Luke said.

I believe you.

Anyway, erm, Luke's been acting weird
since he found out Phoebe d*ed, and...

I don't think we need to discuss
the whole thing anymore, so...

- No, me neither. Good.
- Great.

Er, has everyone got back to you now?

Er, nearly. I heard
back from Amy yesterday.

Did you now?

_

Sorry. Er, were you wanting...

Kind of was, actually.

Mmm... well.

- This is, er, slightly awkward.
- [chuckles]

You see, ordinarily, I'd
be a gentleman about this,

but, erm, I really
like Chelsea buns. So...

- Fistfight?
- [laughs]

- Take it.
- Oh, you're too kind.

I'd have won that fistfight.

But, erm, I think you knew that.

What you reading?

_

Hemingway.

- You don't like Hemingway?
- I do.

I'm actually prone to heavy drinking
and denigrating women myself.

[both chuckling]

I left you half.

If I drink any more coffee,
I'm gonna have a stroke.

- [chuckles]
- I'm gonna get the bill.

- No, it's on me.
- Thank you.

So, I guess this was a date.

Are you gonna take me home now?

I gave you half my bun.

I definitely feel like I've wooed you.

[Amy and Dylan chuckle]

I do feel wooed.

[both chuckle]

[birds chirping]

[Dylan] Morning. Sleep okay?

I think I can see animal shapes in
the damp patches on your ceiling.

[inhales sharply] Yeah, maybe
next time we could go to yours?

Mmm. I live an hour away, by train.

[Dylan] Mmm.

- Are you tipping me?
- Train fare.

Come and visit.

Please stay.

You're definitely the nicest thing
in my room by quite a long way.

[gasps] So cheesy!

Not really a compliment.

It's more of a damning
indictment of my living situation.

Well, I've got plans today,

but I'm in town till Sunday
night. Want to meet later?

Great. Erm, anywhere
but here. And then...

- realistically, back... back here.
- [chuckles]

_

[sighs] Evie, hey, question...

How are you for money right now?

We're about to spend the day

selling my dead dad's things
so that I can pay the rent.

Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.

So what you're saying is not much
has changed since say... yesterday?

- Spit it out.
- No, no, no, no.

God, it's nothing, no. It's just, er,
a tiny, little fly-arge in the ointment.

What fly?

Oh, Rebecca is moving out.

Well, has moved out. She
moved out last night. So...

- So...
- Why?

That much is not entirely clear.

- [doorbell rings]
- Oh.

- Hey, buddy. God, you look tired.
- [sighs] Hey.

Yeah, I couldn't sleep last night.

Drank about a million
jars of coffee yesterday.

I met a girl in the coffee shop.

[quietly] Anyway, she's really
hot. Sort of, kind of like Evie.

Only she's, like, funny and approachable,
and not cynical and sort of mean.

- [chuckles]
- [object clatters]

[whispers] sh*t. Shh.

Oh...

- Hi, Dylan.
- Hello.

Luke, please tell me you
haven't forgotten about today.

No, no, no. God, no, no. Far
from it. That's why Dylan's here.

He's got a driving license.
He's gonna drive the van for us.

So you want me to get this
stuff packed up? [sighs]

Oh, right. Er, thanks, Dylan,
no, I think we've got it covered.

It's no problem. Unless you
don't want me to be there?

No, no, of course not.

Er, Dylan met a girl yesterday.

Yeah. Sorry. No changing the subject.

Rebecca moving out. What is that
about? Why are you being so shifty?

[stammering] Not shifty. There may...

there may have been some
sexual confusion involved.

Meaning... Rebecca's gay?

No, no. Meaning, I had sex with
her and it caused some confusion.

- [scoffs] Luke!
- [Dylan stutters] Okay, wait a second.

- Maybe this was hard on Luke as well.
- Not really.

What, so now we have to pay her rent?

Yeah, no, she was quite militant
about that point actually.

Accusations were made.

Why would you sleep with our housemate?

- Of all the hundreds of girls since Jo...
- [Luke sputtering]

Hey, come on, it's only been a dozen.

Baker's dozen?

- That's , isn't it?
- Don't think so.

Hmm.

Okay, fine. Well, you realize that we
now have to sell everything to cover it.

Yeah.

Okay, let's get on with it.

Amy?

[Amy] Hang on a sec.

[Evie] Can you hurry
up? [Amy] Hang on a sec.

♪ Playing the guitar to
you, baby Rose-Marie ♪

♪ With your lovely boobies ♪

You could not have paid me
to use that guy's shower.

His whole place was... [gasps softly]

How do you know my sister?

Oh, my God.

Oh. You two... are sisters?

[laughs] Oh, f*ck, that's hilarious.

[Dylan] Okay, well, er...

We're all good people here so,
er, nothing was done on purpose.

What?

Dylan knows your sister in
much the same way he knows you.

What, like, not very well?

No, like, biblically.

Oh. That's a bit weird.

Oh, this is horrific. Make it stop.

- This isn't Mr. Big Soppy Feelings, is it?
- [shushing]

- Who?
- Did you and Evie

sleep together about two months ago?

Er, Mr. Big Soppy Feelings?

- Tell me this is a dream.
- It's a sex dream.

- If I could take it back...
- Now, which "it" would that be?

Would that be the first
"it" or the second "it"?

[stuttering] "It..." The situation.

[Luke] This is why incest
isn't allowed, isn't it?

It's all these awkward
conversations that come afterwards.

This isn't actual incest.

Hmm, it feels at least a bit incest-y.

- Anyway, the word's "incestuous."
- You'd be the expert.

Okay, let's just get
on with it, shall we?

- You're a f*cking stallion. That's huge.
- No... What the f*ck?

Huge work. Huge. Siblings?

- Shh...
- Maybe... Have you met their mum?

_

Are you ready to rummage?

Angus.

Thanks for sorting the stall for us.

Pleasure. What's the point of
contacts if you can't exploit them?

Oh, God, I've missed this.

The stalls. The chance of striking
gold in the great riverbed of junk.

- I used to be a collector myself.
- Of what?

The thing you collect is not as
important as the collecting itself.

And it is game day! The heat is on!

It's antique dolls, isn't it?

- Yeah.
- [scoffing] What? Far from it.

Oh, three towels for a pound.

- I wanna help. I really do.
- [sighs] Great. Let's go.

Erm, look, if it helps,

with the two of you, it
felt really different.

Why are you telling me? I don't want
to know what my sister feels like!

Emotionally! I'm talking
about how the experience felt.

Not the difference between
how your two bodies felt.

As in... As in felt
with my hands and stuff.

The feelings. Just
trying to clarify that.

Stop talking. I can see you thinking
about it, and it's unpleasant.

I wasn't until you raised it.

- Stop talking!
- Sorry.

[whispers] Sorry.

Okay, guys. It's all gotta go. [sighs]

Oh, your dad had some great stuff.

Let's see you twirl.

You can have it. [gasps] Look at me...

I am showering you with gifts.

Yes, shall we, er... shall we go
and get some coffees for these guys?

Right, I'm gonna go and try
and find some wholesale buyers,

so just... sell as much as you
can, 'cause it's all got to go.

Yes, you got it.

- [bell dings]
- Open!

I say open.

- I'll give you a tenner for these.
- Oh, classic ' s design.

- Authentic pieces, too.
- Here you go then.

[Luke laughing] First sale!

Ten handsome pounds!

It was worth five times that.

Why did you sell them
for a measly tenner?

I don't know. It was awkward!

I thought you loved flea markets!

- As a buyer...
- For... [scoffs]

How much for this lot?

Erm, make... make an offer?

It's mostly junk, but I could sell
some of the sleeves for wall art.

- Twenty quid?
- Derisory.

- What's that?
- My friend here asked you

to make us an offer, not tickle our
balls while you pick our pockets.

Come back to us when you're ready
to talk mano a mano... a mano.

- He was playing us. - Whoo-hoo!
So the sheep become wolves.

[tea splashing]

- What are you doing?
- Tea is for closers.

- Well, can I have a bit of my muffin?
- Unh-unh. Absolutely not.

I need you hungry, boy.

[muffled] Come and get it, guys!

So, what happened with you and Evie?

Ah, nothing really, you know.

Some booze, a party,
some misunderstandings.

So romantic.

Yeah, we weren't
exactly fated. But now...

Don't worry, you're not gonna
come between us or anything.

We're not that close. Do you like her?

Er, I don't even know her that well.

It's just, there's, like,
a lot of distance with her.

She's more messy than she looks.

Like, today, she'll be
all "sell, sell, sell,"

but she'll actually be really
weird about selling Dad's stuff.

But you won't see it. Especially around
me when she'll be being, you know,

strong, big sister.

She comes across as tough.

Oh, is that right,
Mr. Big Soppy Feelings?

[chuckles] I'm so glad
that nickname's sticking.

Mmm. It's lovely, that. Mmm...

Lovely little muffin. Thanks, Angus.

- Excuse me?
- Yes?

- How much for this, please?
- Make an offer.

- A pound?
- [scoffs] Am I wearing a nappy?

What?

Am I crying for milk and begging for
mama to put me to the teat? [laughs]

- No?
- Well,

so put the mug down until you're prepared
to negotiate with me like I'm an adult.

- Two pounds?
- Thank you. Sold.

[chuckles nervously]

[Luke laughs]

- Good work, man. Was it worth two pounds?
- Ah, it was worth eight.

What can I say? I can't take the heat.
Maybe I'm just not cut out for this.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

You're making progress.
School's not out yet.

The bakery doesn't close till
we've sold out of muffins.

- Know what I mean?
- I really do.

What?

Amy. You wanted half the money
from selling all this stuff, right?

I recall that mattering to you.

So, maybe, just maybe,

you could think about
helping me sell some of it?

I'm really sorry. I do want to help.

No, no, no, Dylan, you're doing great.
Somebody needs to drink the coffee.

Anything that gets left...

- is gonna go back to your place.
- But I don't have the room.

You're gonna have even less room.

- I feel like there's a lot of tension...
- Are you jealous?

Because, even for you, this...

- "Even for me"?
- Guys, this doesn't need to...

No, no, no, Dylan. Be quiet,
actually. Amy, you too.

Look, I know that you probably think that
you've found something really wonderful,

but actually, you'd
be terrible together.

Amy, you only like Dylan
because he is like our dad.

Falling in love at the drop of a hat.

He's all poetry and flowers,

but actually he's flaky, he's unrealistic,
and he's kind of quite annoying.

And, Dylan, Amy is
messed up. She's needy.

And you're seeing this really
funny, really clever girl,

which she will absolutely be one day,

but you are the worst
person to help her get there.

I don't even like him that much.

He's just better than hanging
out with you and your nagging!

Er, I am sitting right here, you know.

Yeah, it's not nagging, is
it? It's called being an adult.

You're not a child!

I am so bored I could scream.

Ooh... Do you... Do you need a hug?

It doesn't have to come from me.

[stammering] I'm just
asking if you're okay.

I'm pretty sure your sister dumped
me. That was... That was really harsh,

so I could probably use
a hug if you're, like...

You're unbelievable.
And not in a good way.

[inaudible]

These soul records take me back.

Wonderful songs from wonderful people.

- They're all one person's collection?
- [Angus chuckles]

What would you like for it?

Should we say ã ?

Okay, lady. Why don't you
tell Kenny Rogers over there

to come talk to us in person if
he wants to buy these records.

[both chuckle]

Your move, sucker! I
have never felt so alive!

- How's it going?
- Brilliant.

We've seen off several
potential customers.

Right, not quite what I
had in mind, but f*ck it.

Hey, if it helps at all,

I have thought of the
perfect new roommate for us.

- Who?
- Dylan!

- [groans]
- Think about it.

I'm not gonna sleep with him, you're
not gonna sleep with him... again.

- [scoffs] Definitely not.
- So he's perfect!

What's the point? I can't even
pay my own rent this month.

And look at this stuff.

What have we sold?

[sighs]

The day is still young.

Okay. [sighs] Saddle up, Angus.

- The final class is in session.
- Oh! This is the best day of my life!

[Amy] Horrible habit.

[Dylan] Just checking you're okay.

[Amy] Even after what
I said? [Dylan] Yeah.

[scoffs] God, you really are
a nice guy. Not my type at all.

Kidding.

But I don't know. The timing and...

I don't think you and me are gonna
work. What with Evie and stuff.

Yeah, it's okay. I know
this isn't going anywhere.

And... Evie's a friend.

Well, she's not quite a friend,
but she's Luke's best friend.

I don't want to mess with that.

You should be her friend.

She's just as annoying as you
and about the same sort of things.

Don't know about that.

Look, I'm gonna get on a train.

I think my work here is done. I've
done a spectacular job as usual.

Do you not want to...
say goodbye to her?

Trust me, this is better for everyone.

- I'll call her later.
- Okay.

Will you do me a favor?

I know you probably will anyway,
but will you be extra nice to her?

She's having a shitty time.
Her and Dad were close.

Hey! [whistles] Jerry Garcia.

I can sell these to my man in
Belgium for three grand tomorrow,

but I'm lazy and I dislike
dealing with the post office.

You don't know the first
thing about Belgium.

Their monarch is King
Philippe, population million,

they speak Flemish and
Walloon. That Belgium?

Someone's been reading Wikipedia.

Oh, am I online right
now? Am I browsing?

- Am I...
- Angus, heel.

- I'll give you a grand.
- Sold!

- Two and a half.
- Sold for ã , and not a penny less!

- Two. Or I'll walk.
- Deal.

What?

Call me. If you get another Al Williams.

Who's Al Williams?

- Did we have one?
- We must have.

Well, whoever he was, he was
worth quite a lot of money.

- [both chuckle]
- Yeah!

I'm sorry that I slept with Amy.

I can't talk about this now.

No, wait, hear me
out! Hear me out, okay?

Erm, I can see that this
is a difficult day for you,

with selling your dad's stuff and
I haven't exactly helped anyway.

What I'm trying to say is I think you
feel things deeper than you let on,

but I like that about you.

I think in all likelihood you're
probably an excellent person and...

[inhales sharply] I
want to be your friend.

- Look, Dylan...
- I'm not taking no for an answer on this.

And I don't even expect
you to like me anytime soon,

but I'm giving you notice that
I'm going to be your friend.

Okay.

[Luke laughing]

- Two thousand pounds!
- What?

You made two grand for the records!

Oh, my God! That's amazing!

- [all laughing]
- [Evie squeals] Yes!

Angus! I thought it was you.

- I've got something here you'll love.
- Not now, Ronnie.

She's a Diamond-issue Esmeralda.

Jesus.

What are you asking for her, guy?

- ã ?
- Ooh, she's a very fine example.

We'll take her. You've earned it.

Thank you.

[exclaims]

This must honestly go no further.

Okay?

[all laughing]

Er, Dylan.

We are looking for a
flatmate. Do you need a room?

Yes. Yes.

Please! Would that be okay?

- Yep.
- Yes, this is gonna be so special!

[chuckling] Shotgun!

[Angus] No, no, no, no!

Just one thing, sorry. Do you
mind if I get the jacket back?

It's just... It was my dad's favorite
and it's freaking me out a bit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of
course. Here you go. Yeah.

Thanks.

Okay. Well, erm... welcome aboard.

[Angus] No, no, not upside down.
I get sick, I get sick! I get sick.

[birds chirping]

[vocalizing]

There she is. Behold,
baby. What do you think?

- Pretty great.
- Check this out.

Yeah, get yourself on that,
check out that plumage.

[both grunting]

_

How was Amy when you spoke to her?

- You could try calling her.
- Don't you start.

Anyway, she's good.

Her boyfriend sounds nice.

Mmm, she seems to have developed
quite a thing for nice guys.

I blame you for that.

It was like you were some sort of
gateway drug or something. [laughs]

All right, I've gotta go see Abigail.

Cool.

So, should we buy them some drinks?

No, no, no. Nobody likes that.
It makes them feel obligated.

But don't we want them to feel obligated

so they'll come and talk to us?

Yeah, they might talk to us.

They might also resent
the whole encounter.

You're trying to buy
them, which is fine,

but if that's your gig, be
honest about it and call a hooker.

Here's a better move.

Joss, my good man.

Could you please ask
those two ladies over there

if they would like to buy
us a couple of martinis?

And if they'd like to
get themselves a pair,

we'd, of course, be happy to join them.

[laughing]

Are they laughing with us or at us?

Relax, it's charming.

[Angus chuckles] Oh, this is exciting.

God. I feel alive again.

So what now?

Er, next...

I'm sorry, dude. I can't do this.

What? Wait!

- No, I can't do this on my own.
- I'm sorry, Angus.

Er, turns out Angus has
the staying power after all,

so I'm gonna hit the sack. I'm not
really feeling it tonight, okay?

Night then.

Mmm, how's it going, stud?

Er, can I borrow some money?

I need to pay for four martinis.

Hey.

[band playing folk music]

Whoo! [laughs]

- Do you want to dance?
- Yep, er...

In a minute... definitely.

You're not one for rushing, are you?

Just... turn things over.

- Do I?
- You know you do.

I can see it.

Weighing things up.

To drink or to dance?

I used to be more of a headless chicken.

- How did you cross the road?
- You have to really want it.

You know, you run under enough
trucks and you get there by accident.

So then...

drink or dance?

I would love to dance with you.

I win!

[folk music continues]