02x04 - Liv

[bunniefuu]

So how does this work? Should I just...

should I pop my trousers
on the back of the chair?

There's gonna be one
ground rule with you.

I know we used to date, but
there's to be no hitting on me

when you're trying to avoid
feelings of discomfort.

So, when you called me,

you said there was a girl
whose death had affected you.

Okay.

Truth m*ssile...

I came because it was a
good way to see you again.

Ideally, naked.

No. That was easy.

I can charge you for that
and then we can call it a day

now that you've got your answer, right?

Perfect.

Good.

Luke...

I'm actually all right at my job, if
you wanted to use the rest of the time.

[sighs heavily] I am going to hate this.

- You don't have to be here.
- No, no.

I do, I... I need to be here, but...

I am going to hate it.

[doorbell rings]

- Hi. I take it you're the other half.
- I, uh...

He's my other quarter. Half
would be a lot of pressure.

[chuckles]

Thanks for coming. I
needed a second opinion.

Any questions, I'll be outside.

How was your day?

- I've been cutting down trees.
- Why? For your job?

Have you told me this
already? [chuckles] You have.

Garden design. I tell
people where to put plants.

That's the one.

- [cell phone chimes]
- [Dylan inhales]

[chuckling] Oh, funny.

- What?
- It's a girl I used to know.

She's just texted one word. "No."

I just told her she might wanna
get tested for, you know...

She's one of the girls from your
list. I feel close to her already.

- [both chuckle]
- So wait, was that "no"

as in she's refusing to get tested?

Or "no" that she's had the test
already and it came back negative?

No idea. Communication
was never our strong point.

_

Whoo-hoo. [chuckles]

Now that is a very
romantic-looking plate.

It's all very romantic.

It's difficult to tell. It's not
a conducive atmosphere, is it?

Complimentary dinner for the
bride, groom, plus four guests.

So, obviously you, me and our
parents is the natural wedding six.

Is it, though? It's very ambiguous.

- Thanks for inviting us, anyway.
- [slurping] Mmm.

Oh, it's our pleasure.

I'm only sorry you can't
sample the bedrooms.

[laughs]

Not like that.

We'll just watch a film and
get room service breakfast.

We'll probably just get a packet of
crisps on the train back, won't we?

Duck is a popular choice
at weddings held here.

It's like chicken, yet
somehow more celebratory.

[Helen] Mmm. [Angus] Mmm.

This isn't a plate that says
"best day of your life," is it?

Not even "best day of the week."

- Thoughts, Dylan?
- Sorry, just, uh, trying...

Um, I'm meant to be on a date with Liv.

Completely forgot and she's just
had some bad news about her dog.

So just trying to...
[inhales] sort that out.

- Why don't you call her?
- She doesn't pick up!

Even though her phone's on,

'cause she's texting
me those annoying faces.

[groans] It drives me mad.

You see, um, Dylan doesn't
really do texting, Helen.

[stammers] He's more of an analog guy.

Analog. Okay.

Our favorite option had a
ballroom for the dancing.

Apparently, this place has a spa.

Who would go for a sauna
in the middle of a wedding?

There. "Sorry to hear that."
Crying face. And send. [chuckles]

Wish I'd known there was a spare
place. Would've invited her.

Should I just start accosting
random waitresses to join us?

Maybe have them be my bridesmaids?

Definitely get the brunette
who brought the starters over.

That is it. They are off your list.

- Both of them?
- Yes.

- Which list were we on?
- Best man. You were short-listed.

- [gasps] Angus, we'd love to.
- A best man requires certain qualities.

- Which qualities do we lack?
- All of them.

You can have my brother.

- I don't like your brother.
- He doesn't think much of you,

but you'd do that for
me, because I love you.

- At least that's something.
- What does that mean?

Love.

You know, the love
twixt you and Angus...

[stutters] it's extremely moving.

[Dylan and Evie snickering]

They'll need to get a move
on, or they'll miss the train.

They are grown-ups, love.

- Oh, snap!
- Snap!

[both laughing]

[breathing heavily]

[continues breathing heavily]

More steam?

[chuckles lightly]
The hotter the better.

"Hotter the better" happens
to be my family motto.

[speaking Latin]

[chuckles]

[chuckles] It actually is.

[steam hissing]

Could you handle another ladle?

- Go for it.
- [chuckles]

[steam hissing]

[stammers and exclaims]

- It's happened! Guys...
- You're gonna miss your train.

I am in love, okay?

It has happened for me
in a big way here, guys.

I'm not expecting it, and then bam!

Cupid's little sn*per
sh*t right to the head.

[exclaims] Brains all
over the walls, guys.

This girl is fantastic.

[Helen] I'll order you a cab.

So, what's she like?

She's gorgeous, man.

I mean, I'm talking like...
like, sweaty gorgeous.

But as a person?

I don't know, but there
was just a real connection.

- Where did you meet her?
- In the sauna just now.

[Evie] When you say connection,

do you actually mean that you
were both just nearly naked?

[Dylan] Was it like a soul connection?

Did it feel like, "Wow, this
person really understands me,

and I feel the same. I could
really love this person"?

- You're confusing me.
- What do you think was going on?

Look, all I know is I
need to see her again.

- That sounds like love.
- I need to take that bikini off.

That still... could be love?

Do you even know her name, Luke?

No, but she looks good in a bikini
and she can handle some serious heat.

Pop all that into LinkedIn,
you'll probably track her down.

- Do you think I should stay and find her?
- The hotel's booked out.

What if I feel about this girl the
way Dylan feels about every girl?

- Hey!
- I'm in love, guys, all right?

I think I'm in love with her!

Or I really wanna have sex with her.

You know, I'm confused,
look at me. [laughing]

For the love of God, will
you go and get in that taxi?

I don't think I want to do that.

I've put our underwear in the top drawer,
which is cramped and sticks a little.

- Can you write that down?
- Yeah.

I think the hotel with the ballroom
will be closest for most people.

Oh, well, that's that decision made.

I'm sorry I've been such a nightmare.

You can have whoever you
want as your best man.

- No, you make a good point.
- [chuckles softly]

- [knocking on door]
- Oh.

Daddy ordered two room
service orange juices.

Freshly squeezed.

Ooh, nice.

- You've missed your train.
- Ah, we really nearly caught it.

[gasps]

Well, what are you gonna do now?

You can't stay here. I
wouldn't sleep a wink.

[snoring]

[whispering] Can't you sleep?

Wide awake.

You want me to help?

How?

I could rub you.

Where?

Which bits of you aren't asleep?

All of me.

Okay, that's where I'll start.

What about the others?

Try to stay quiet.

[Evie gasps]

Oh, my God. [chuckles]

[moans]

[gasping]

[whispering] Holy f*ck.

Say what?

What are you doing?

Can't sleep knowing
she's out there, Evelyn.

- All the things that were left unsaid.
- Like what?

Mostly innuendos about
steam, to be honest.

But good ones, you know.

Why don't you just
find her at breakfast?

Then it'll look like I bumped into her.

No, this girl needs to
know I sought her out.

Yeah, but it's too late
for soughting girls, Luke.

This is destiny, mere Evie.

I'm like King Arthur pulling
the sword out of the stone.

Only in this case, the sword
is actually my penis, and the...

Yeah, got it.

...the stone is her vag*na.

[whistles]

- [bell dings]
- Hi, can I help?

I sincerely hope so.

I am trying to track
down one of your guests.

- Yep. Do you have a name?
- No.

But what I can tell
you is, she is gorgeous

and boy, does that girl
like steam. [chuckles]

Steam generally or...

Uh, we met in the sauna.

Shall I make a note to have it cleaned?

- Woof.
- Sorry. Inappropriate.

No, no. Actually, entirely on point
with my hopes and expectations.

So, can you help me?

Uh, we don't keep photos of guests.
We really do rely on the names.

f*ck! I mean, come on, lady,
this is the st century!

I know.

All right. Thanks, anyway.

- Can't sleep now.
- Nothing to be done.

[knocking on door]

Back to bed I come, Helen.

I've spread out. Get in with Dylan.

[Abigail] Are you after a drink?

[grunts] Well, what I'd
really like is to sleep.

Shall I make it a really big drink then?

- Sounds good.
- What's keeping you up?

Mmm...

actually, I just had a sex
dream about my best mate.

Right, and how was that?

He was lying next to me at the time.

Just stop me if I'm asking
too many questions, but...

is it someone you want to sleep with?

Ah, well, we... we slept together
ages ago and now we're friends.

Sort of avoided the question.
[chuckles] Now I'm just pointing that out

- in case it's helpful.
- Yep, very helpful.

- Thanks for the catch.
- I'm sorry for prying.

It's been a slow night.

Apart from one guy who came in
asking for help stalking people.

The thing about this guy, I just...

I don't know if he's the type to go
from being a friend to something else.

He's just...

so about the big fireworks and being
blown away by the new big thing.

I'm probably not the expert here.

I'm sleeping with a guy where we
were friends first, then lovers,

but have somehow managed
to completely miss

there being any kind of spark.

[both chuckle]

[Helen snoring]

[whispering] Dylan.

Dylan.

Dylan.

Dylan. Dyl.

Dylan.

Dylan.

Dylan.

Dyl.

- [loudly] Dylan.
- [screams]

- [gasps] What's happening?
- Fire! Is there a fire?

[stutters] There's no fire.

- Why did someone scream?
- It was Luke, in my face.

You startle very easily.

I am trying to get to sleep! I
have not managed to sleep yet!

Actually, Helen, you have
managed to get to sleep,

and you snore like a...

- All right!
- [door slams]

I was trying to wake you quietly.

So, like, shake my arm or something.
Don't loom up into my face. It's sinister.

This is all besides the
point. I need to find her.

I can't sleep knowing that
she's somewhere close by,

and not having sex with me.

- [cell phone chimes]
- It's Liv.

"What the hell is wrong with
you?" What does that mean?

She's asking, "What the
hell is wrong with you?"

She sounds really pissed off.

There isn't even one of those
little, uh, face pictures.

They're called emoticons, Dylan.

It's stressing me out
just listening to you.

- Do you even like this girl?
- Yeah, I do, actually.

You'll find she's no sauna girl.

I'm putting, "Did I do something
wrong?" Sad crying face.

[chuckles] I am negotiating
for your reentry as best I can.

I'm not coming back in. No
way. I've got to find out

whether me and this girl have
chemistry with clothes on.

- But how?
- The old-fashioned way, baby.

Door to door. [exhales]
I'm gonna smoke her out.

No, no, no, no, no.

[Abigail] So he's romantic.
[Evie] Yes. [sighs]

[Abigail chuckles]

- And when you slept together...
- A long time ago.

But it was good?

Mmm... really good. [chuckles]

- So, then why don't you just...
- I don't know.

I don't know. He used to
be so annoying and now...

he's just not as annoying. I
don't know how that happened.

Is that for room service?

No, it's for you.

- Was that...
- Yeah.

- [laughs]
- He seems nice.

It's the neck smell,
ultimately, isn't it?

Either it makes you
[sighs] feel something,

or it's just someone's neck.

- What's his like?
- A bit stubbly.

[both laughing]

Mmm, but he's really nice.

- But you can't invent a spark?
- Right.

- So, I should say something.
- Well, is it going to change?

I don't think so. Not for the better.

Yeah, you should probably
say something then.

Okay, thanks, number eight. Cheers.

Please, stop. The hotel
has my credit card.

How else do you suggest I do this?

I suggest you don't do it at all! Dylan!

She's just written, "f*ck you."

Luke, what's the emoticon for
feeling hurt, but also a bit confused?

God, this is exhausting.

[Angus] Dylan, tell Luke to stop it!

Kind of busy here, Angus. Anyway,
what if sauna girl's the one?

- How many rooms in this hotel?
- [inhales deeply]

All right, Angus, you're right.

When you're right, you're
right. I'm still doing it.

What?

- [door opens]
- [man] What?

Hello, sir. Sorry to
disturb and all that.

- I'm looking for a girl about yea high.
- Are you the police?

Mmm, for now let's just
say I'm an interested party.

- Is she in your room?
- Why would she be in my room?

She's not in my room, and I'm
trying to narrow things down a bit.

If she was in your room,
wouldn't you have arrested her?

Believe me, sir, nobody wants to see
this girl in handcuffs more than I do.

Oh, well. I think that went pretty well.

- Let's do it.
- No, no, no, no, no.

Just consider the odds. Every
single room in this massive hotel.

But what are the odds
of finding your soulmate?

- And if Luke thinks she could be the one...
- Luke thinks she looks hot in a bikini.

I know that one of you chaps will
end up being right about this.

I just honestly couldn't tell you which.
That is why I need to try and find her.

- No, no, no.
- Could you come with me, lads?

We've had a complaint.

Already?

[laughing] And then she says to me,

"Yes, I could handle
another scoop of water."

[laughing] Do you see... do you see
what I'm dealing with here, hotel guy?

[laughs] Crazy.

Hey, okay, so we've established
that you've got CCTV.

How do you feel about
me reviewing the tapes,

see if we can track her
down to a specific floor?

I don't mind doing the lion's share
of the leg work. Obvs. [laughs]

- Go to bed!
- Yeah.

- And stay in bed!
- Bed. Bed.

I might go to bed, boys, actually.

We were friends and
then we were a bit more.

This is really just us taking a
step back again to where we were.

We're breaking up?

You're a lovely guy, but I'm sorry,
I just don't feel that way about you.

There's... no spark.

[clears throat]

[stutters] Well, I've got an
order for late-night sandwiches

I should get on with.

- Steve...
- [whimpering] I said, "sandwiches."

Sorry.

[breathing shakily]

[snoring]

I don't think he'll be baking
me a birthday cake this year.

[chuckles]

- Anyway, over to you.
- How do you mean over to me?

I feel like I should return the
stop-bullshitting-yourself favor.

What about this friend of yours?

Oh...

- Sorry, look, have you seen Steve?
- Uh, yeah, he's around.

[sighs heavily] He's gone AWOL
and we've got room service orders.

If you see him, tell him that either
room gets its omelet or he's fired.

I have had it with today.

[Helen snoring]

[whispers] See how you like this, lady.

- [sputters] What...
- [clatters]

- Fire!
- What are you doing?

I was just adjusting you.

- Why were you touching me?
- You were snoring.

- Is there a fire?
- No, I don't think so. It's just Luke.

- Why do you keep shouting "fire"?
- Well, it's the biggest fear, isn't it?

Building ablaze, corridors of
people trampling all over you,

and then you get cold
while you wait outside.

You, sir, have just
had a brilliant idea.

You, Luke, are banned from
the wedding. Officially!

I have had it!

Hold that thought.

[Steve whimpering]

[Abigail] They're going to fire you!

You have to come out
of the fridge, Steve!

Cheese omelet. Maybe I could do that.

- We can still be friends.
- [Steve] You don't need my friendship!

You've got your writing
and your ambitions.

All I've got is a fridge
full of duck fillets

and a black hole where
my heart used to be.

[whispers] Chefs,
they're emotional people.

[sighs]

[fire alarm wailing]

sh*t! Was that me?

You have to come out now, Steve! You
can't hide in the fridge in a fire!

It's very cold in there. He
might actually be all right.

What do you think?

- [indistinct chatter]
- [alarm continues]

Oh, it's rather comforting
when you know it's not for real.

[chuckles] Oh!

Thanks, sausage.

Steve?

- You have to come out now, Steve!
- [Steve] You're wrong!

We did have a spark.

- Any ideas?
- Steve?

[Steve] Who's that?

Uh, I'm one of the hotel guests.

Oh. [clears throat] Is
this about room service?

There's a bit of a
backlog at the minute.

No, no, look, um, I just wanted
to say that I really feel for you.

It's just two people not really
feeling the same way about each other.

Look, now the alarm's going off and
she is here instead of going outside

because she does care
about you. She just...

doesn't love you.

And you're one of the guests here?

Steve, I wish I felt differently.

I mean, you can't fake it, can you?

I mean, it's either not there
at all, or it is there...

even if you don't want it to be.

And you find yourself
thinking about them, and...

the idea of it not working
out just makes you feel so...

What if it goes wrong?

What if it doesn't?

[Evie] I never thought
I'd feel this way.

You should have said
something. I thought it was me.

You're not the first lesbians
to break my heart, you know.

- [Angus] Have you spotted her yet?
- No.

There you are. We were
wondering where you were.

[gasps] There she is.

[man grunts]

Hi, there.

All right?

Fire alarm, eh?

Maybe someone tried that
fourth scoop of water,

pushed it too far. [chuckles]

Yeah.

Maybe.

Yeah. [laughs]

[laughs] f*ck.

Yeah, probably, actually.

It's probably what happened, isn't it?

Okay, then.

- [sighs] No.
- [Angus] No what?

No connection, no
chemistry, nothing special.

[stammers] She's not the one?

No, no, I think it was just the
fact we were both nearly naked,

but, uh, good to have
that cleared up, though.

You have got to be joking.

[fire alarm stops]

[yawning] Oh, good, should we
head in and get some shut eye?

I am absolutely pooped.

- [cell phone chimes]
- [Luke] Goodness.

What? She says she never
wants to talk to me again.

What the hell is her problem?

Mmm.

Your last text message to her was,

"Did I do something
wrong?" Laughing face.

What? No, no, no. That's a
crying face. Look at the tears.

Yeah, no, those are tears of joy, dude.

The little fella's...
He's crying with laughter.

So... so when she said, "My dog's sick."

You found it hysterical. Yeah.

Where does this leave
me? What does it mean?

Do you care?

You know what, I...

I don't think I do.

There you are, then.
That's what it means.

She's right.

[snoring]

[grunting]

It's just the drinks. The
room was complimentary.

Oh, thank you. We enjoyed it very much.

Would you be happy to sign a
contract for the venue hire now?

Oh, I think that would
be a bit premature.

We have CCTV footage of one of your
friends triggering the alarm last night.

It's a ã , fine. [clicks tongue]

- And you have...
- Your credit card details, yes.

And that ã , fine...

Can all go away when you sign up
for our deluxe wedding package.

- Deluxe?
- With all the trimmings.

- Expensive trimmings?
- Better value than the fine. [laughs]

[laughs] Do you have a pen?

Hi, can I leave my e-mail for the
girl behind the bar last night?

Of course.

Finished?

- Thanks.
- Thanks.

- Shall we go?
- Hope you enjoyed your visit!

Well... [sighs] the hour's nearly up.

How was it?

Pretty much about as bad as I
thought it would be, actually.

Yeah, so it's nice to
have my expectations met.

I know you seem like you're more
comfortable with surface feelings,

but when you just slow down and talk...

you've got a lot more to offer
than just a pretty face, Luke.

I'll see you next week.

[Abigail] I can see me living here.

- What do you think?
- I can see you living here, too.

Mmm.

You smell of grass clippings.

- Yeah, sorry about that.
- No.

I like it.

[upbeat music playing]