03x02 - Bonnie

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Lovesick". Aired: October 2014 - November 2016.*
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"Lovesick" revolves around 20-something year old Dylan, who must contact all of his previous sexual partners to inform them that he has been diagnosed with chlamydia.
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03x02 - Bonnie

Post by bunniefuu »

[SIGHS] Why is this so hard?

Because you refuse to
look at the instructions?

They're in Danish.

Well, just look at the pictures.
Do what the stick men are doing.

My little stick men appear to be
having an orgy on a b*ttlefield.

- [SNICKERS]
- Luke's handiwork.

This is pretty cool, though,

building the thing your own
kid is gonna be sleeping in.

You see, that makes me
anxious. It's a lot of pressure.

And this is one item on
a list longer than my arm.

Hmm.

- It's been a busy time, hasn't it?
- It's lot of change.

For all of us. An absolute shitload
of change, as the Dansk say.

[CHUCKLES]

- Oh, hey.
- Hi.

How's it going, guys?

Good, good. Angus was telling me

about the really interesting
new cot he's just bought.

Flatpack. Such a bargain. It's Danish.

Yeah, I know, sounds
like a good one, Angus.

What is it doing in my room?

There's a buggy and
birthing ball in mine.

- Not sure that answers my question.
- We're stockpiling. Well, Holly is.

She can't stop buying things.
We've only just had the scan!

I don't have the heart to
tell her about losing my job.

- Not to mention Helen.
- What's Helen got to do with this?

She's clearing me out.

She's hired a divorce
lawyer. He's like a Doberman.

Why don't you get a lawyer, dude?

I can't afford a lawyer.
I'm dealing with him direct.

He just sent a settlement
of our possessions.

- She wants nearly everything.
- This is criminal.

- A man needs his toothbrush.
- I know!

He doesn't need more than
one Luther Vandross album.

But which would you choose?
She even wants the bonsai tree!

I bought that on our
honeymoon. Helen hates it.

She said I bought it because
it makes me feel taller.

- What's the stuff marked "miscellaneous"?
- Oh, no, that's nothing.

- Sex toys.
- What? [LAUGHS] Absolutely not.

- [SIGHS]
- Uh... what are you doing?

Nobody ever got what they
wanted by saying "please," Angus.

You've got to be cool,
detached, menacing.

Menacing. I can do that.

What you need is a negotiator.
Let me do this for you.

Do you know anything about the law?

I know I've seen Erin
Brockovich
times.

- Well, that's a relief.
- What have you got to lose?

Literally everything he owns.

You know what I know
about Dobermans, Angus?

- They're dogs.
- Well, yes.

- You know what a dog needs?
- Pet insurance?

No, Angus.

A dog needs a master.

[LAPTOP CHIMES]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hello.

I brought you this.

Thanks.

- I like what you've done with the place.
- Yeah. Sorry. [CHUCKLES]

Luke's sock on the door handle
idea turned out not to be foolproof.

- Let's just say he doesn't dim the lights.
- [CHUCKLES]

- How's it all going?
- Fine.

I thought we could talk.

Do we have to?

You keep saying that, but
I think talking would help.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi, is Evie here?

- Sure, who are...
- Alex?

Hey!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh, you look amazing!

- What the hell are you doing here?
- Alex. Evie's cousin, Alex?

- Dylan?
- Oh, God. Oh...

What's going on?

Uh, we wanted it to be
surprise, for your hen party.

[ALEX LAUGHS]

My what?

He spent $ , on flights, Dylan.

I'm so sorry. I planned it ages
ago and then with everything,

I forgot it was this weekend.

It's fine. It's honestly fine.

I'll just send you my bank details.

- I'm kidding!
- [ALL LAUGHING]

No, seriously, I'd like
you to reimburse me.

Joke!

- I don't really like this game.
- I do.

- What's with the blanket?
- Okay, Brian made it for you.

But to be honest, I'm not entirely
sure it's appropriate now...

[LUKE] "Mal loves Evie."

It's a traditional
wedding gift in his family.

- Wow.
- I know, right?

Who else did you invite?

Ah, well, um... [CLEARS THROAT]

your sister's away traveling, so...

Wait, your hen party
was gonna be all male?

Men parties are the
new hen parties, bro.

[DYLAN] Evie doesn't
have many female friends.

Oh, yeah, and why is that, Dylan?

What do you mean?

Between you guys, you've slept with
every single one of my girlfriends.

- Oh, I haven't.
- Yeah, I meant these two. No offense.

Not true, inaccurate.

Inaccurate? Uh, what about Jennifer...

- [SCOFFS AND LAUGHS]
- Suzanne, Stephanie, Rebecca,

Rachel, uh, Louise?

- I did not sleep with Louise.
- No.

But you had sex with her
older sister at a house party.

Whilst Louise was
asleep in the same room.

Touché.

So, what do you have planned?

Well, uh, there were
gonna be activities.

I'd actually put a lot of thought
into it. Not that it matters now.

It could. If you didn't cancel anything.

- Are you saying we still do the hen party?
- Why not?

Have you guys taken her
out yet? Since the breakup?

Oh, come on!

We should be celebrating Evie's
decision not to get married.

She almost made a massive
mistake, but she didn't.

That deserves formal recognition.

Also, I have two small kids,

and I haven't been out past
ten p.m. since October .

So this is happening, guys.
And it's going to be wild!

[ALEX] Seriously? Soap-making?

I mean, who needs girlfriends?

Ooh. Oh. Has anyone tried Ylang Ylang?

- Apparently, it's very sensual.
- Is that right?

Okay, we're wrapping this
up. For everyone's sake.

- What's next, ladies?
- I might need to finish this batch...

Five minutes.

Oh, God!

- What?
- Helen's lawyers just e-mailed.

He's working on a Saturday.
That's not a good sign, is it?

- What did he say?
- Helen is furious.

My last e-mail to her was
"offensive and personal."

[BLOWS RASPBERRY] It's
bluster. Classic lawyer stuff.

You compared Helen to the Terminator.

- Yeah, in a constructive way.
- Oh, and I quote,

"The really evil one from Terminator
,
italics, Judgment Day,

which is a rare example of a sequel
that stands up to the original."

Greatest film about the
human condition ever made.

- They've taken my words out of context.
- Oh, God! They've revised the list.

She wants everything, even
stuff she was letting me have.

Everything except the uncontested items.

- What are they?
- The stuff neither of us wants.

It's pretty much the only things
we % definitely agree on.

- Why is my wedding present to you there?
- Is it? Well, it must be a mistake.

It's not too early for this, is
it? I haven't horribly misjudged it?

Oh, no, three p.m. is a perfectly
normal time to do karaoke.

Ah. You must be the early booking
making me do a -hour day.

- She seems nice.
- Yes, she does.

I give great gifts. It's one of
the top five things I'm known for.

I think a samurai kitchen Kn*fe
set just didn't come in that useful.

Well, those knives came
with a display rack.

Rubber sheaths for the
blades. It looked awesome!

You're right. I'll ask for them back.

It's time to sing some
power ballads. For Evie.

Do you know what, guys?

I'm not really sure I'm
in the mood for karaoke...

♪ Oh, place your hands ♪

♪ On my hope ♪

♪ Run your fingers through my soul ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ And the way that I feel right now ♪

♪ Oh, Lord, it may go ♪

♪ Put your hands on ♪
♪ Put your hands on ♪


♪ But you did, but you did ♪
♪ You lied to me ♪


♪ All this pain you said I'd never feel ♪
♪ You lied to me ♪


♪ But I do, but I do, do, do ♪

♪ Return of the mack ♪
♪ Return of the mack ♪


[SINGING IN GERMAN]

♪ Turn around, bright eyes ♪

♪ Every now and then I fall apart ♪

♪ Bright eyes ♪
♪ Every now and then I fall apart ♪


♪ And I need you now tonight ♪

♪ And I need you more than ever ♪

♪ And if you only hold me tight ♪

♪ We'll be holding on forever ♪

♪ And we'll only be making it right ♪
♪ 'Cause we'll never be wrong ♪


♪ Together, we can take it
to the end of the line ♪


♪ Your love is like a shadow
on me all of the time ♪


♪ I don't know what to do ♪
♪ I'm always in the dark ♪


♪ We're living in a powder keg
and giving off sparks ♪


♪ I really need you tonight ♪
♪ I really need you tonight ♪


♪ Forever's gonna start tonight ♪

♪ Forever's gonna start tonight ♪

♪ Once upon a time I
was falling in love ♪


♪ But now I'm only falling apart ♪

♪ Nothing I can say ♪

♪ A total eclipse of the heart ♪

As chief bridesmaids go,
he's got a lot of stubble.

[LAUGHS]

You can't call him that.

Sorry. Male of honor?

That's worse, surely? [CHUCKLES]

So he's nothing to do with
you ending it with Mal?

Are you going to tell him?

Uh... I was really ready to.

But?

Everything's just such a mess.

People have been so
upset about the wedding.

Like I've ruined their plans
or let them down somehow.

People like weddings.

They'll get over it.

I just don't think I should be

let loose on any big
decisions right now.

Then don't be. Take your time. Be
single. Find some space to think.

Why does everything have to be so hard?

You want hard?

I left my girlfriend so
I could raise a family

with a man... in Texas.

[BOTH LAUGH]

- Can you imagine how well that went down?
- Yeah, I remember.

I'm just saying, people get hurt.

But you deserve to be happy.

Um...

He's with someone.

And she's really nice.

Champagne's complimentary
for hen parties.

It looks like the rest is being
paid for by somebody called Mal.

Yeah, sorry, that's out
of date. We'd like to pay.

- He left his card details.
- Trust us, lady,

he is not going to want to pay for that.

He left a message. For his fiancée.

- We don't need to hear it.
- I should call him as a courtesy.

We're not actually
getting married anymore.

So this isn't a hen party booking?

It was a hen party, but
now it's just a party.

Sorry, I'm just finding
this slightly confusing.

I'm not sure why you're
finding it confusing.

We were getting married.
Then I changed my mind.

- What?
- Champagne's only free for hen parties.

And this isn't one anymore. Aww.

So you're gonna have to pay. Okay?

Dyl... Dyl... Hey, man.

Remember that shirt I got
for your birthday last year?

Hmm...

You know, it's sort of dusky pink.

It's very snug fit around the
shoulders. % silk, actually.

- Does that not fit you?
- What do you mean?

- I don't ever see you wearing it.
- Oh, yeah...

- That was great. That was great.
- Was great?

Okay, guys. The night
is young. What's next?

Cheese tasting!

[LAUGHING]

Oh. You were serious?

Oh, bugger! Now Helen wants to
take me to court over a bonsai tree.

Yikes. Law is tougher than I thought.

I might have to jump
off this ride, Angus.

- Nice work, Luke.
- Thanks, man.

What do I do now?

- Alex, you seem wise.
- Look. If it matters, fight her for it.

Stand up to her.

You haven't met Helen,
dude. She is a massive bitch.

Or just take it.

You're suggesting we steal the bonsai?

Why not? Let's wreak some havoc.

- Okay. What about Helen?
- She's not home.

It wouldn't actually
be stealing, would it?

Taking something that
already belongs to me.

I still have the receipt.

Plus, it's a bonsai tree. She
probably wouldn't even notice.

Let's f*cking do this!

Just to be clear, shall I
cancel the cheese tasting? Guys?

- She's definitely not in, is she?
- No. She's out to dinner with her parents.

She just posted a video of
her dad shouting at the waiter.


sh*t, Angus. This place is amazing.
How come you never invited us here?

Helen didn't think it was appropriate.

How do we do this?

Okay. I'm just spitballing here,

but I think I can shimmy
up that eucalyptus tree,

inch along that ledge, drop in
through the window, commando-style.

Ha ha!

- Or we could just use my keys.
- Oh, f*cking bastard.

I can't believe it.

She changed the locks.
This is outrageous.

Luke, commando style?

Yeah, it's actually quite
a lot higher than I thought.

Any other way in?

- [WINDOW SLIDES]
- [GROANS]

She always leaves the bathroom
window open to circulate the air.

Has issues with her toilet aroma.

She's quite sensitive
about it, actually.

"Toilet aroma"?

- [YELPS]
- [CLATTERING]

I'm okay!

[LUKE LAUGHS]

Ooh-ooh-ooh! Sorry, guys. Socks only.

Helen doesn't like
outdoor feet on the carpet.

Helen's got some really big shoes.

Okay, everyone keep your eyes
peeled for a samurai Kn*fe set.

That's not really a flower, is it?

Of course it's a flower.

Right. Where is this little guy?

What the f*ck is that?

[ANGUS] Beautiful, isn't she?

Bonsai trees don't get that big, Angus.

Yes, they do, Evie. Ergo...

You do realize this
is an outdoor bonsai?

- Is that a cast iron pot?
- Correct.

Are those rocks in the base?

Have you given a single thought

to how we're gonna get this out of here?

We'll be able to lift it, won't we?

The lads. The bloody lads.

[ALEX] Last time I looked,

you guys weren't winning
any Ironman competitions.

Maybe we should move that
table to clear a path.

[EVIE] Who's the guy in the photos?

My old schoolmate, Jamie. He
was at the wedding, remember?

He was one of the ushers.

He was on the stag.

He did that little dance
with his trousers down

and then fell off the roof. [LAUGHS]

Seriously?

Um...

How are you thinking
of getting that home?

What?

I mean, after you lifted the
incredibly heavy tree out of the corner,

across the room, down the
hallway and out the front door,

how are you thinking of getting
it all the way to the flat?

We could borrow Helen's car.

I'm really sorry about today.

Don't be.

Alex coming is just about the
nicest thing that's happened

in a really long time.

It just doesn't feel right,
you sleeping on the sofa.

I don't mind, really.

I want you to have my room,
and I'll stay with Abigail.

Just until you find somewhere else.

That is really kind of you, but,
honestly, I'll be moved on soon.

Then you won't need it for long.

- Do you not think Abigail will mind?
- She'd want to help. She really likes you.

Thank you.

[CAR ALARM CHIMES]

- Is the window really the best idea?
- Yeah. I think gravity's going to help us.

It's the pot.

I think if we can separate
the two, we'll be in business.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

- Has everyone got their phones?
- Maybe Dylan or Evie left theirs?

[PHONE VIBRATING]

[VIBRATING CONTINUES]

What's behind that door, Angus?

It's just a cupboard.

Oh, my God.

Helen's in the cupboard.

- We've got to get out of here.
- f*ck that.

No, no, no, no, no.

[ANGUS WHIMPERS]

- Found it.
- [ANGUS] Jamie?

- What are you doing here?
- Looking for my phone.

No, I mean, in my house.

I was just passing.

I was desperate for the toilet.

- But you're in a cupboard.
- I was hiding.

I thought you were burglars.

You said you were
looking for your phone.

- Did I?
- How do you have keys?

I found them.

So just to recap,

you needed the toilet
and happened to be passing

when you found some keys, let
yourself in and lost your phone...

in a cupboard.

Yeah, that is starting to
sound a lot like bullshit.

If you're gonna b*at me, could
we steer clear of the face?

It's just, I've got a
short presentation tomorrow.

[PHONE VIBRATING]

It's Helen. She'll keep
ringing if you don't answer.

- You didn't hang around, did you?
- It's not what you think.

Okay, it is what you think.

- After you and that stripper...
- Her name's Holly.

After that.

I called Helen, just as a friend.

She was so upset.

And then we met up. And
then we met up again. And...

- And then you stayed.
- No one planned it.

Oh, well, that's okay, then.

Please leave the tree. [LAUGHS]

She will never forgive
me if I let you take it.

- But she hates it.
- It doesn't matter.

It's all your things.

There's boxes and boxes
just sitting there.

Maybe once it's gone, you're gone.

- I don't think that's the case.
- She's not in a good place, Angus.

I think we should leave.

I'll take good care of it for you.

The tree.

I promise.

I hope you treat Helen
better than I did.

Actually, you haven't seen
a samurai kitchen Kn*fe set?

About yea big, quite pointy?

You got new stuff to own now,
Angus. You know, with Holly.

- What about the tree?
- We're leaving it.

All of it.

It's enough to say you're getting old ♪
♪ Every day...


[LUKE SIGHS]

Keep it.

They're triple-folded steel,
Angus. How can you not like these?

The thing is, Luke, you
do buy really good gifts.

Just not for other people.

Yeah.

I wonder if Dylan's
still got that silk shirt.

[LAUGHS] Konichiwa.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

I haven't had a booty call since uni.

Well, you gotta stay
young somehow. Do you mind?

Actually, it is a little bit of a
problem you coming over all the time.

Maybe I shouldn't give you these.

Is this so you can get
me to pay half your rent?

Yep.

And also, buzzing you in
all the time is exhausting.

You smell like lavender.

What? [CHUCKLES]

You look so pleased.

Got anything to eat? I'm starving.

Some cheese in the fridge.

♪ Once upon a time I
was falling in love ♪


♪ Now I'm only falling apart ♪

Why are you singing Bonnie Tyler?

Who knew straight men could
be so good at making soap?

[LAUGHS] Yep. It's the world we live in.

I thought today might help.

It did.

Do you know what you're going to do?

[SIGHS]

I think I've made
enough mess for a while.

Thank you, Al.

Nailed it.

You okay?

[SIGHS] Somewhat underprepared.

You are going to be a great dad.

Who else buys a teddy bear
to practice nappy changing?

I've got it to seconds. [LAUGHS]

Providing the baby's covered
in soft fur, I'll be fine.

[LAUGHS]

What if I mess everything up?

You just won't.

I've got a pretty rich
history of making mistakes.

Haven't we all?

Hmm. I suppose so.

These feel integral.

Hmm.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm leaving this place behind ♪

And I'm heading out ♪
♪ On the road tonight ♪


♪ I'm off for the hinterlands ♪
♪ Way up north to taught you to stand


♪ Before I commence my ride ♪
♪ I'm asking Lily to be my bride ♪


♪ I know there's another man ♪

♪ But he ain't gonna delay my plans ♪

♪ I know she's gonna be my wife... ♪
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