03x05 - Martha

[bunniefuu]

[CLATTERING]

Angus? We need a family meeting.

- What? Why?
- We're worried about you.

- I'm fine.
- You keep cleaning the kitchen.

I don't think observing basic
hygiene constitutes a crisis.

You've reordered that spice rack
three times, dude, in a week.

[ANGUS] I'm trying to
find the right system.

Yeah, alphabetically? By
seed size? By cuisine?

It's a conundrum.

Are those the problems
you want to focus on?

Yes.

♪ How can I tell you're here ♪
♪ The way you are? ♪

♪ How can I tell you're here ♪
♪ The way you are? ♪

[CHUCKLES]

Evie, is this the worst
day of your life?

- [JONESY CHUCKLES]
- It'll be fine, my parents are easy.

Uh, well, when I hear, "I
want you to meet my parents,"

what I actually hear is,

- "It's time to break up."
- Mm-hmm.

I've met them before.

Not as Dylan's future wife.

He's their only child, a golden child.

It's not a "meet the parents" night.
It's a surprise anniversary party.

Even more pressure.

How can you possibly live
up to their epic marriage?

I'm getting freaked out now.

They'll just give you too
many hugs or something.

Which, uh, by the way,
is how Dylan ended

up hard as nails and ready to k*ll,

growing up on these mean streets.

[LUKE CHUCKLES]

[ANGUS] Thirty years
of marriage, though.

- I only managed three.
- Plus an engagement.

Only lasted a couple of months.
Thanks for the reminder.

[JONESY] Aw, think
yourself lucky, Curly.

Marriage is a religious plot that
makes women lose hope in sex

and focus on cooking.

- That's well-established.
- Amen.

Someone making dinner
for me sounds nice.

Could you do something useful.
Put nibbles out or something?

Uh, I'm not hungry yet, so...

[DYLAN] Not what I'm saying.

Come on. You're here to help.
We're running out of time.

I don't want the surprise to be
that we failed to organize a party.

[BOTH] Ooh.

[CHATTERING]

[HORN TOOTING]

Salut.

[SCOFFS]

Peter.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Wow. [LAUGHS]

- Look at you. Is that stubble?
- Yeah, I started shaving.

That's my big news. Um, this
is Evie, my girlfriend.

- Evie, this is Peter.
- Hi.

One of Julian's old business partners.
I have the scars to prove it.

[EVIE] Pleased to meet you.

- That was a metaphor, by the way.
- Yes.

There was no actual v*olence. I mean,
he was quite disorganized. Um...

Where did you dig up these people?

Yeah. Um, I got Mom's address book,
and I basically called everyone.

- Everything all right?
- [CHUCKLES] Martha Wells is here?

Right?

- Did your parents ask her to come?
- No. It's a genuine surprise party.

Ah. I don't want to sound
alarmist, but I don't think

your parents'll be thrilled to see
her. A bit of bad blood there.

- Oh, sh*t. You're kidding?
- Nope.

Uh, they're about to arrive.

Do you want me to talk to her? I'm
told I'm emotionally intelligent.

Oh, no. Um, it should be
me. Uh, which one is she?

Yeah, just gone inside. Teal blouson.

Green dress.

[PETER VOCALIZING]

Oh, Christ. Sort of stuff
Australians would drink.

[CHUCKLES] Hilarious and true.

Fortunately, I brought my own.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Fleur de la Clarisie.

- You likey?
- Very muchly.

Yes. Provençal Rosé,

- the best kept secret.
- Absolutely.

Picked up a little parcel
of it down in Avignon.

So, as you can imagine, I was
indecently pleased with myself.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[PETER HUMS]

And with a heavy hand, Mother,

- thank you very much. [CHUCKLES]
- Ooh.

Life is too short for cheap wine.

- I couldn't agree more. [CHUCKLES]
- [GLASSES CLINK]

- Angus Baker.
- Peter Melrose, hi.

I couldn't help but notice you arriving.
That is one fine piece of machinery.

Morris Traveler.

Elegance without compromising on
boot space. The absolute dream.

First thing I bought
after I got divorced.

I'm divorced as well.

Angus, let me tell you, the best
thing I ever did was get divorced

and start living life for
myself and myself alone.

[CHUCKLES]

Now, I think this should
stay a secret, don't you?

- Yeah.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]

- [STUTTERS] What do I say?
- I don't know. Just ask her to leave.

- But why?
- Because... the bad blood?

Do I use that exact
phrase? I need a minute.

- You're over-thinking this.
- No, I've under-thought it...

[CHATTERING]

Man, my grandma's funeral
was wilder than this.

- Mm-hmm.
- My family are all raging alcoholics.

I am knocked sideways with
astonishment, Jonesy.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

I find this so weird.

I mean, why celebrate putting
up with someone for years?

No one said they had to spend
years with each other.

It's like congratulating two people

for holding hands and jumping
off a cliff together.

[SCOFFS] Are you...

I don't disagree this shindig could do

with a little je ne
sais quoi. Any ideas?

Full sex?

Keep talking.

- That's all I've got so far.
- Sold.

Now, riddle me this, will we be back
in time for the parents' arrival?

Well, that's down to you, tiger.

I will be exceptionally
swift. Borderline premature.

- If we miss them, we miss them.
- All right.

Leonardo da Vinci, Sir Isaac
Newton, Voltaire... [CHUCKLES]

- what do they have in common?
- Uh, venereal disease?

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

- All bachelors.
- Hmm.

Badge of honor.

Who knows? If Newton had been
married, we might not have gravity.

- Aye!
- [BOTH LAUGH]

- Don't you miss your wife?
- I have no regrets.

Now she's remarried,
get on perfectly well.

Now, I just hope she's
as happy as I am.

And you aren't afraid
of, uh, dying alone?

[SIGHS]

"Do not fear death so much but
rather the inadequate life."

[ANGUS CHUCKLES]

Bertolt Brecht. [CHUCKLES]

- Do you read the Germans?
- Oh.

[IN GERMAN] Does a bear sh*t in
the Alpine woods of Bavaria?

He does if he's eaten too
much Black Forest gateau!

[LAUGHING]

[CHATTERING]

You really don't have time
to have a crisis about this.

[CHUCKLES]

Excuse me. Sorry. Dylan!

[CHUCKLES] You don't remember me.

Last time I saw you, well...
you'd wet yourself, basically.

It's not a great story. I'm Martha.

Hi... and, uh, well, welcome.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Thank you.

Well, here's the thing, um, Martha.

I invited a lot of people to this party,
obviously, without consulting my parents

'cause of the, uh, surprise
nature of the beast.

I was just wondering actually how
some of those relationships are?

As in, how we met?

[STAMMERS] More the other end
of things, actually, um...

just, um... struggling
to place people.

- Well, it has been a long time.
- [LAUGHING]

I think we're wondering how people
are related to Julian and Janie.

I'm not related to either of them.

- Oh, related in the broader sense.
- [ANGUS] They're coming!

Hide. Just hide.

Oh, should I follow you?

No, actually, could you
just hide from them?

Um, like everyone else, but in
another room and don't jump out.

Really sorry, I've gotta go.

- Get down, get down.
- [SHUSHING]

[DOOR OPENS]

Oh.

Home sweet home.

[SIGHS] There's only so much
beachfront yoga I can take.

[JULIAN] Shame.

I thought we might go upstairs,

and put a few of those
new poses to the test.

- [JANIE] Who needs upstairs?
- [JULIAN] Mmm.

[KISSING]

[JULIAN MOANING]

Just to be clear, we are talking
about lovemaking, aren't we?

I'm as sick of f*cking
yoga as you are.

[JANIE] Shut up, get
your trousers off.

- [PANTS UNZIPPING]
- [JULIAN] I am absolutely rock hard.

Surprise!

[BOTH GASP]

"Hip hip!" No?

[EXCLAIMS] Dylan?

Surprise! Happy anniversary!

- [ALL] Surprise!
- Ah!

[LAUGHING]

- Get over here, Dyl!
- [JANIE] Oh.

Evie!

- [JULIAN] Get over here, Dyl...
- [JANIE] Aw. Look at everyone.

Thank you.

Told you they like to hug.

Anyway, we should, uh,
go and do that thing.

Have fun. [CHUCKLES]

- Where's she gone?
- Maybe she left.

I told her to hide. Maybe she hid.

Split up?

If we find her, we need to get
her out as quietly as we can.

Okay, okay.

Can't believe you've never
had sex outdoors before.

[SIGHS] Gotta tell ya, I'm
not loving all this mud.

These trainers are box fresh.

And now I see why.

Hey, this seems like a good spot.

Ground's nice and soft, bit
of bounce, we got options.

Hmm. Well, I don't think it's
far away enough from humanity.

You get quite loud.

- People enjoy a vocal lover.
- Yeah, but you tend to bellow.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[MARTHA] Um, uh, occupied.

Is that Martha? This is
Evie, Dylan's girlfriend.

Um, do you know how long
I'm meant to hide for?

I mean, there's a loo, which
is convenient, but...

Uh, this is... Somebody
said... [CHUCKLES]

This may not be true, so
please don't be offended,

but it got mentioned that maybe
Dylan shouldn't have invited you.

That there might have been
some bad blood in the past.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

I had hoped the invitation was
them looking for a rapprochement.

Probably not likely, after what
I did, but I hoped. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, there was an affair.

- Oh.
- I thought most people knew.

I don't think Dylan knows
anything like that.

- It was a long time ago. [CHUCKLES]
- Oh.

[CHUCKLES] So this might seem
um, a little bit undignified,

but I think we might
have to smuggle you out.

[CHUCKLES]

- I wouldn't want to make a scene.
- Oh.

Especially not for
Dylan. Come on, then.

Martha. How are you?

I'm well. [CLEARS THROAT] I
was actually just leaving.

You're welcome to stay.

That's kind, but I
really do have to go.

- Janie.
- Martha.

I'll be off then. Bye.

I called almost everyone in your
address book. I didn't know...

No, it was nice to see her.

- [JANIE] More wine, everyone?
- I might move to a glass in each hand.

- Say hello to the cousins.
- We'll be there in a minute.

They're having fun. I've even forgiven
you for the surprise element.

- Go on, go, drink, dance.
- [CHUCKLES]

Well, that went fine. [CHUCKLES]

I think some of these
are first editions.

Hmm. Well, I met Dylan's father, uh,

oh, gosh, years ago, antiques
book fair in Antwerp, I think,

been in touch with him since.

I'd read all day if I could.

[STUTTERS] Then why don't you?

Last month, on a whim, I decided
to read up on neuroscience.

I tore through a stack
of medical journals,

and then re-visited some Timothy
Leary texts from the s.

Fascinating to view
those drug experiments

through lens of contemporary science.

Peter, I'm so glad I've met you.

I was starting to think the life
of a bachelor would be lonely.

You'd have thought the
public's perception of dr*gs

would be a bit more
progressive, this day and age.

It's actually certifiably crazy
when you think about it.

Yeah. I suppose so. Anyway, like
I was saying, thanks for...

Uppers, downers.

There's nothing the right amount of
pharmaceuticals can't fix, in my view.

I genuinely believe that.

Well, yeah, slightly
controversial opinion there,

but anyway, I just wanted to say...

Is that a bag of cocaine?

Yep. [SIGHS DEEPLY]

[SNORTING]

[SPEAKS GIBBERISH]

Can I tempt you?

[JONESY] Thoughts?

[LUKE SIGHS] Well...

I think it goes without saying
the act itself was topnotch.

You have a gift. Frankly, we both do.

[SIGHS] Air temperature?
Surprisingly clement.

It's the time of year.

In summary, I think there's
a lot to be said for it,

yet I... [SIGHS] just
can't shake the feeling

that nothing beats sex on
a medium-to-firm mattress

- between crisp Egyptian cotton sheets.
- Hmm.

[CLICKS TONGUE] You want
to head back to the buffet

and see how much cake I
can fit in your face?

I thought you'd never ask.

It still feels really weird.

It's a big success. It's been a hit.

Did that Martha woman
say anything to you?

I don't think that matters. You
saw how your parents were.

Did she say anything at all?

Ugh. I wish I didn't know this.

You're freaking me out. What is it?

I think your dad and Martha
might have had an affair.

What?

Martha said as much.

[STAMMERS] What? That's
not... No... No way.

I'm telling you what she said.

[SCOFFS] How am I meant to take this?

Does my mom know?

I think she might.

Do you want to talk about it?

- Tomorrow.
- Okay.

Wonderful. Let's mingle.

Are you... Are you sure
this is the right way?

Uh, what are you asking me for,
Tarzan? I'm just following you.

And I was following you.

Why would you do that? I have
absolutely zero sense of direction!

Nor do I!

We can't both be bad at this!

This is why opposites attract. At
least one person has to be competent!

Okay, okay, let's not
panic, okay? Nobody panic!

What are you doing?

I have absolutely no idea. sh*t.

Actually, you know what,
does this look familiar?

I don't know. All woods look the
same. I'm very much a city girl.

Well, so am I. Why do we have
to be so f*cking similar? Okay.

Okay, okay, what we need
here is some orientation.

Oh. [CLICKS TONGUE] I was once
dating two lumberjacks...

Long story. Anyway, I
remember one of them saying

that moss always grows on
the north side of trees.

So, this must be north!

- We have north! Get in! Yes!
- Yes, yes!

Now, where is the house
in relation to north?

[LUKE SIGHS]

Oh, what about the time he b*at
several girls in his class

to the role of Joan of
Arc in the school play?

I identified with her plight.

If you want a real laugh,
get his teenage diaries.

[JULIAN] Or his rap lyrics. There's
notebooks of them somewhere.

[EVIE] Sorry, "rap lyrics"?

Technically, it wasn't
rap. It was soulful R&B.

- What was your stage name again?
- I think we've all had our fun now.

Oh, what was the name? It's
on the tip of my tongue.

- Come on. What was it?
- D-Smooth.

I wrote R&B songs in my bedroom
under the name of D-Smooth.

Who gives a sh*t?

Would you help us in
the kitchen, please?

[SNORTS AND SPEAKS GIBBERISH]

Guys like you and me,
we're lone wolves.

We're lonely wolves. That's fine.

We're giants among men.

- Yeah, giant wolf men!
- [STAMMERS] What?

Sorry, nothing, I'm just quite high.

[SNORTS AND SPEAKS GIBBERISH]

Christ, this stuff is strong!

Strong in a good way, though?

This is really strong.
This is really strong.

You've had quite a
lot, maybe so, um...

Oh, my heart's b*ating
really fast. [WHEEZES]

Oh. Is it?

Yeah, I'm hot. Are
you hot? I'm so hot.

I'm fine. Are you okay?

I don't know. I'm feeling
a lot of things.

- I think... I think... I think...
- What? What? What?!

- I might be having a heart att*ck!
- No! Definitely don't say that!

You can't fool us. We're your
parents. We know you inside out.

Literally, in your mother's case,
carried you for nine months.

Stop making jokes.

I know you had an affair, Dad.

Martha told Evie.

[JANIE] He didn't.

I did.

It didn't last long.

A mistake.

I think your father has
always been faithful.

To your mother and to the
Grateful Dead. Big fan of both.

[SCOFFS]

- When I saw her today, I didn't even...
- Me neither.

All my life, I've
thought you were happy.

We are happy.

We just very briefly weren't.

[BREATHING HEAVILY] I
can't do this anymore.

I'm hungry. I'm tired,
and I'm thirsty.

Maybe we should accept our
fate, let the gods take us.

Shut up, we've only been gone an hour.

Anyway, I, personally,
am not ready to die yet.

I've got castles to build
and progeny to sire.

Oh, my God, I can practically hear your
biological clock ticking from here.

Oh, come on, what, you never
think about the future?

- Nope.
- Really?

Not unless by "future" you
mean the next ten minutes,

in which case, I'm
thinking dry martinis.

[LUKE] Ah!

I don't know, though. It's quite far.

I still think we should
lie down and die.

[CHUCKLING] Come on.

Was Dad really okay about seeing her?

Probably not entirely, but
he's generous, isn't he?

You're angry with me, aren't you?

I just feel sad that...
that you hurt him.

You know, even if it was
a really long time ago.

Dylan, life is...

Neither of us is perfect.

We've made mistakes. We've
done stupid things.

- You'll make mistakes.
- Not like that.

You've never done anything
like that to anyone?

No, I, um... I have.

What about everything else?
I mean... I mean, now?

I love him.

[CHATTERING]

[SIGHS]

What did they say?

All clear. Just a panic att*ck.

- Brilliant. [CHUCKLES]
- Feeling a bit sheepish, to be honest.

- Sorry about tonight.
- Oh, no, it's fine.

I'm an adult. I knew what
I was doing. [CHUCKLES]

I miss my fiancée.

Give her a call, then.

Don't let a good woman get away.

Best advice.

Jesus, Peter, you really
are a loose cannon.

Every weekend!

Come on, let's get you home.

[IN GERMAN] Good luck with everything.

You too, Angus.

- Pub, Julian?
- No, Peter. Not pub.

Wow. Looks like this party
got wild after all.

Oh, we underestimated
this g*ng big time.

Pleased to see them
together, aren't you?

It's the best.

- What?
- Nothing.

I just, uh, momentarily sobered up
back there. Easily resolved, right?

[SIGHS] Let's get right back on it.

[ANGUS] The spice rack feels
like a problem I can solve.

I don't know what to do
about the other stuff.

Hey, you're gonna figure it out.

Right, until the next problem
comes along. [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

What if all we're doing

is walking this constant tightrope
between bliss and disaster?

Who knows what's coming
around the corner?

For any of us.

What do you think, guys?

How about we take another
look at that spice rack?

Organizing them by
trade routes might...

Or spiciness.

[LUKE] They're not going to
reorganize themselves, are they?

[EVIE] Oh, yeah.

I feel like a chili isn't
a spice or a herb.

It's more like a vegetable.
That should be in the fridge.

We should put all the
red ones together.

[CONTINUE CHATTERING]

♪ Long enough to know ♪

♪ If I ever was a child ♪

♪ I was tied up like a boat ♪

♪ On a button like a coat ♪

♪ Set free for a while ♪

♪ I'd jump to jolt... ♪