03x06 - Queen of Cups

[bunniefuu]

So, have you, um... you had any thoughts
about what we talked about last week?

[CHUCKLES]

Maybe it would be fruitful for
you to refresh and recap.

Which aspect?

Whichever you feel is most pertinent.

[STUTTERS] Okay.

- Where's your little notebook?
- Don't worry about that.

- Have you forgotten where we got to?
- No.

So, what's my problem?

Touché. As it happens, I
have mislaid my notebook.

Well, Simon, as you well know,

I'm currently transitioning into
the lovely lady known as Prunella.

No. No.

As I recall, you are lonely
and looking for love,

but distrustful of your own feelings.

Somewhat damaged by prior
experiences of rejection and loss.

And, while pleased for your friends
who have just got together,

it has left you fearing
being left behind,

with a sense you're running out of time
to find what they have already found.

And a deeper fear that, perhaps,

you are incapable of
having what they have.

I would be more precise,
but, you know...

notebook.

You're a thing. You're
officially sleeping together.

No, no. Look, me and Jonesy
are just two sexual people

filling a sex void with some sex.

A sensible solution
to a classic problem.

How many times a week?

- Less than four.
- [SCOFFS]

Sex three times a week
makes it a relationship.

People in relationships
don't have that much sex.

- Am I right, Dyl?
- Don't look at me!

[ANGUS] They're still very new.
They probably do it quite a lot.

We don't date. We don't share
candlelit baths together.

We don't, you know, discuss
our feelings, so...

Why wouldn't you want to
do all of those things?

- Sorry, man. I didn't mean...
- No, you mentioned the bath.

Holly and I had a bath together.

- It was very romantic.
- [LUKE] Hmm.

- I mean sexually romantic.
- Ugh, God.

- In our bath?
- Yeah. I showered it down afterwards.

Can we agree to not ever do
that again in communal areas?

Not even in the kitchen after
everyone else is asleep?

It can be a long wait for a
late-night jacket potato.

- Am I right, Dyl?
- What? No, don't look at me.

Dyl, please tell me that you
haven't had sex in the kitchen.

- [STAMMERS]
- Oh, my God!

Well, we've lived in
the flat a long time.

Statistically, it's bound
to happen at some point.

- You're blaming maths? [SCOFFS]
- Er, I think so?

It's not even a
particularly sexy kitchen.

Why can't I live with women?

Hey, is, um, Jonesy on the
same page about all of this?

- Come on, dude. It's Jonesy.
- Still, feelings...

Trust me, we both know exactly
what we're doing, okay?

In fact, some of it is
technically very complicated.

Have you ever supported a woman's
full body weight on one knee?

Hmm.

[VOCALIZING] ♪ I'm
tripping on love... ♪

[VOCALIZING] ♪ I'm
tripping on love... ♪

- Hey!
- Hey!

What's all this in aid of then?

Saving the planet, climate
change, all that eco-bollocks.

Mostly it's stopping
people doing stuff.

A cause dear to my heart.

- Not a donation. Hand over the booze.
- [EXCLAIMS]

Very kind. Um, can I
borrow you for a minute?

- Yeah.
- Back in a sec.

Definitely a thing.

So, what's the thinking here?

Find a quiet corner and let
nature take its course?

There's someone I'd like you to meet.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. She's really cool, really cute.

Good for her. What's
that got to do with me?

Well, for one thing, Gabby
is perfect for you.

Right. Uh, well, of course, I'm a fan
of women who are perfect for me...

- Does she know about...
- She's expecting you.

Okay.

Sort of seems very well-organized.

Hmm. I thank you.

Well, cutting straight to it,
here the both of you are.

Jonesy's got quite a crush on you.

[JONESY] It's true. You're gorgeous.

- Want to stop by for a drink later on?
- Will do.

First go is on me.

[LAUGHS]

Well, this enterprise is
excessively rich in puns.

Jonesy said you'd probably open
with something about hairy nuts.

[LAUGHS]

She's thought this
through, hasn't she?

She's very thorough.

Okay.

Oh! Look at that massive one.

You grow up with that
in your cot and you

know for sure your daddy's a winner.

Three goes, please.

[LAUGHS]

Oh. I've got my range now.

You are coming home with me, big bear.

You've had hot porridge,
you've had cold porridge,

but now you're gonna
try Angus' porridge.

- Hey.
- Focus.

Right, next toss for the win.

[GROANS] Anyway, it knows
I'm coming for it now.

[CLEARS THROAT, KISSES]

- Ahhh! He sh**t, he scores!
- [BOTH] Yay!

It's gotta go all the way down, mate.

What? The hoop's on the thing.

It's gotta go like this.

That's impossible.

You just saw me do it.

Right, give me another go.

You could probably just buy a bear.

Twenty quid from me wholesalers.
I can give you their number.

No. No. I'm winning this fair
and square for my unborn child.

[HOOP CLATTERS]

I wasn't ready. There was wind.

♪ One, two, three, four... ♪

[EXCLAIMS]

k*ller nut sh*t. You're
good with those balls.

Don't interrupt when I'm in the zone.

- There's a zone for this?
- Mm-hmm.

[LAUGHS] Oh, my God!
Obviously, there is.

You should go pro,
dude. You'd clean up.

You'd have enough coconuts to,
like, you know, start your own...

What are they for again?

[LAUGHS] This is the
tragedy of my gift.

I just end up with a lot of
slightly damaged coconuts.

[MUTTERS]

[GRUNTS] Damn.

[GROANS]

[KISSES]

♪ Crimson and clover... ♪

[PANTS]

[STAMMERS]

Take the bear. Keep it.

- You've spent more than enough.
- No!

Take the bear, Angus.
It's starting to rain.

- You'll find another job.
- And a girlfriend.

- More hoops!
- She hasn't even broken up with you.

It's a separation.

Three hoops, three bears. Watch me.

[HOOP CLATTERS]

- You moved something.
- For God's sake!

Take the bear.

[LUKE LAUGHS]

How can you be a two-nut champion over

there and completely
fall apart over here?

I'm good at throwing things
sideways. This is all up and down.

[LUKE] Oh, my God! Look at that.

It's like they're migrating,
and I'm magnetic north.

Jonesy mentioned you're
a massive show-off.

Says you've got lots
worth showing off about.

What else did, uh... did
Jonesy say about me?

Mmm, you're tall.

- Hey, that's between me and her.
- [CHUCKLES]

Ooh.

Look at that, I've
got a token, everyone!

[LAUGHS]

Okay, ice cream for two.

Well, I'll be over there eating
two people's worth of ice cream.

- [LAUGHS] Hmm.
- Care for a scoop?

Just tell the baby that you
won it fair and square.

No, it'll know, though.

It'll look into my eyes
and see that I'm lying.

I thought this was
meant to be a trophy

and now it's just an
awkward-to-carry free gift.

Some of your throws
were amazing, though.

The one where you lofted it high.

- The downward plunging one?
- Really, really hard to pull off.

Want to go to the fortune
teller? Might be less pressure?

No, I think I'll sit things
out for a bit. You go.

[GASPS] Did you win that?

I acquired it.

That sounds like you might
have stolen it. Gin and tonic?

Um, could I just have a
glass of water, please?

Life still awful?

Uh, divorced, having a child
with a woman who's left me

and unemployed!

Ladies, form an orderly
queue behind my creditors.

And you're off the
booze. That's not easy.

Are you getting help?

No, I spent all my cash
not winning this bear.

- I'm not an alcoholic.
- All right then. Gin and tonic. On me.

I can actually see the appeal of
alcoholism. Just stay drunk forever.

I am brilliant when I'm drunk.
Only good things happen then.

Ooh.

Thank you. Mmm.

- [GRUNTS]
- [CHUCKLES]

"What should I know about myself?"

This is the most important
question you can ask the cards,

and the one the cards are
best able to answer.

The center card, an upright figure.
He's thinking about change.

But this card shows that you
subconsciously fear this change.

Namaste.

- Cool. Thanks.
- Hang on.

- Dylan...
- Can you be more specific?

It's about your interpretation.

[CHIMES]

- What does that mean?
- Time's up.

I don't like to tell people
to leave, hence the gong.

Are you saying I'm
gonna f*ck things up?

- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm interested in the
details, the specifics.

- Dyl, it's just a bit of fun.
- Well, yes and no.

[CHATTERING]

I did get drunk on my wedding
day and tried kissing Evie.

My marriage broke down because I
got pissed in a strip club and...

Well, you know how that ended.

And then I got drunk again

and broke into my ex's house
and tried to steal a tree.

This might actually be a problem.

Ooh. Thanks, ice cream
lady. Save the planet.

[LAUGHS] Would you like one of my
coconuts? If we're sharing prizes...

Whoa. Might just put
it on here actually.

A little bit of nutty garnish.

[LAUGHS] Coconuts, duck
and ice cream to finish.

It's like we've been to dinner,
which we should also do.

- Yeah. After this bad boy?
- Oh, I don't know. I'm a bit full.

Maybe we should hit up the bouncy
castle, see who throws up first.

You know what, this has been
a genuinely awesome fair.

- Jonesy's clever, isn't she?
- What?

Jonesy set this whole event
up. It was her idea.

- Didn't you know that?
- [CHUCKLES] No.

Hmm, I thought you two knew
each other pretty well.

Yes, I do know the history
with the two of you.

That being?

The friends-with-benefits
thing you used to have.

- "Used to." Right.
- Doesn't matter.

It's just history. We've all got one.

You know what, I just
need to... I, um...

I'll be back in ten minutes.

- Wait there.
- Sure. Oh. Ah. [CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

- You've gone all inward.
- No, I'm fine.

They're just cards.

- I know that. I know.
- Good.

- And I know it's all bollocks. Yeah.
- Exactly.

It does raise a lot of
questions... What are you doing?

We're going back.

Yeah, yeah, they feel a bit
more random than last time.

- Properly shuffled?
- Yes. I'm good to go.

- And your question?
- Same as before.

Let's see what wisdom the tarot can
offer up for another £ , please.

- We are saving the planet.
- [COINS CLATTER]

Three cards. Each representing...

Can we skip to showing
him the cards, please?

- Queen of Cups inverted.
- Are they good?

Well, basically, they're
all different cards,

but they mean exactly the
same thing as last time.

You're emotionally insecure, facing
new changes with major anxiety.

Probably over a woman.

[STAMMERING] No, I'm
not. I'm very happy.

- When you said I'd f*ck things up...
- You said that.

You haven't had the bigger picture.

You don't need to convince
me. It's the cards.

- Let's do it again.
- You don't even win a bear.

[INHALES]

Wow. It's uncanny.

- What's going on?
- [EVIE] Nothing is.

- Are you even a proper psychic?
- I'm a geography teacher.

Jonesy just thought it'd be
fun to have a fortune-teller.

See, in a way, that makes the
cards even more mysterious.

No, Dyl. They're just cards.

I'm getting quite freaked out now.

- Can we do it again?
- I'm not spending another £ .

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, these cards are all
very happy ones. Very secure.

Thank you! See?

Christ, I need some air.

[STAMMERS]

- Were they...
- Yeah, no.

Exactly the same meaning as before.

Properly weird.

Apparently, I threw up out the side
of the car, but I don't remember it.

I'm probably the only person
that doesn't remember it.

I don't think you have a
booze problem, my friend.

What? No! I absolutely do.

For once, this is
something I can change.

Problem, meet solution.
I'm gonna -step my ass.

Well, all power to you.

But before you give up alcohol, which
is the best thing in the world,

ask yourself this.

If you'd stayed stone-cold sober,

would marrying Helen
have been a good idea?

Probably not.

And if you hadn't
copped off with Holly,

would you still be happily
married to Helen?

No, I was miserable...

I think.

No, I was.

- Even when you were sober?
- Oh, God, especially when I was sober.

[CHUCKLES]

What, so you're saying I
should stay drunk forever,

because that's when I
make my best decisions?

You need to be honest with yourself
about what you really want.

Look the future in the eye, you know?

- What do I want?
- Exactly.

No, I'm asking you the
question. What do I want?

- Come on. You can do better than that.
- I can't.

You should've seen me on the hoops
game. I hated myself as a man.

I can't even look
this bear in the eye.

Hey there, chaps.

Hey, how's it going?

Angus, could I borrow
the barmaid for a mo?

So, I'm drinking, yes?

♪ Let's fall in love ♪

♪ Let's make the same mistakes ♪

♪ Let's fall in love ♪

I don't want you to
think I'm not sure,

- 'cause I am sure.
- I know you are.

And my conscious and my subconscious,

they're all pointing
in your direction.

I wasn't the one freaking
out in the tent.

Neither was I. I just...
You know... [SIGHS]

All that talking to my exes,

I've become quite aware
that I f*ck things up.

A lot.

I know. I was there.

And Luke's really worried.

- About us? Of course he is.
- No, no, no.

It's just me he's... and he's right.
Time and again, I get things wrong.

And to hear someone say that my future's
just gonna be more of the same,

- another mess...
- I broke off an engagement.

I don't bring much of a
pedigree either, do I?

But I think what happens
to us will be down to us.

You're special to me,
and I believe in that.

The cards didn't worry me,
but this sort of does.

- How so?
- Are you this easily thrown?

I've seen you wobble before,

and you cut those relationships
short pretty quickly...

- This isn't a wobble.
- Are you sure?

[CHUCKLING]

You're quite a lot of
hard work, aren't you?

- I'm bitterly aware of that.
- It's kind of exhausting.

- [LAUGHS]
- I'm gonna have to start taking naps.

People who've been out with me before
say that yoga sometimes helps.

- Okay, good, we'll find a class.
- I'm sorry.

[EVIE GIGGLES]

So, I'm pretty sure
Gabby likes my face.

Oh, I know she does.

That was all preapproved, obviously.

She laughed at all my jokes.

Well, you're a funny guy. It's
in your top three attributes.

Oh. Along with?

Oh, don't be needy,
'cause that's not sexy.

I wasn't being needy.

I was just desperately
fishing for compliments

to feed my fragile ego.
There's a big difference.

And there's attribute number
two, self-deprecation.

- So, why, with all that going for me...
- And that is a lot of stuff.

Why are we not doing it anymore?

That's what Gabby
seemed to be implying.

That our little arrangement
is all very much past tense.

Friends with benefits never works.

I made an initial exception
because I like you,

and that is the worst
possible reason for

making an exception, wouldn't you say?

- I was having a good time.
- Yeah, but it's a slippery slope.

Next minute, you're married

and bickering over whose turn it is
to find a better home insurance deal.

Anyway, I'm sure you will
enjoy having sex with Gabby.

That's what you're going to do.

Because what's not
to like about Gabby?

You're welcome!

♪ Sorrow's army ♪

♪ Sorrow's army bleeds,
sorrow's army... ♪

I can't accept it.

Mate, this is pathological.

I want my child to know who I am.

The honest and unvarnished truth.

And I'm a man who could not
throw a hoop over a box.

Well, nobody has! Nobody can!

What?

Look, we hired the stall from a
props place. We had complaints.

We rung 'em up. It's all just for show.
It was never meant to be played.

You literally cannot win.

You want a refund?

Well, I'm now confused what taking
a refund would say about me.

Just keep the bear, all right?

Hand on heart, of all who've played
it, you've wanted it the most.

I'm sure you'll make a
very... tenacious dad.

Oh. Thank you. Thank you so much.

I think you've behaved with real
decency vis-à-vis this bear.

I know when people say "it's
not you," it usually is them.

[CHUCKLES] But in this instance,
it's honestly not. It's me.

It's a shame. You're good company.

Oh, my God. You too. You really are.

I think Jonesy just thought you'd be a
bit more why not give it a go, casual.

Yeah.

I'm actually trying to do things
a little bit differently.

I'm not sure she knows that.

[CLICKS TONGUE] I guess we, uh...

I guess we don't know
each other that well.

Great event.

- Really good.
- Very cool.

Did you know that Jonesy organized it?

Yeah. Yeah. And that girl's,
uh... she really is...

She's what?

I mean... I think, uh... You know.

Sorry, what do you think?

Listen to what he's saying.

He's not saying anything!

♪ When the morning comes ♪

♪ You won't be mine ♪

♪ I know that angels come ♪
♪ From time to time... ♪

- It's me.
- [BUZZER SOUNDS]

You don't think it could topple
forward and crush him or her?

- No, I don't think so.
- You don't think its first memories

will be of an enormous brown
bear always looming over it?

It's cool. And Daddy won it for
them, so they will love it.

I could secure it. Lash it down.

Oh, no, no, no. Then what if the baby
thinks that you tied up the bear

because it's dangerous?

Uh, how about hidden Velcro strips?

Well, anyway, they'll be next to me
for a while before they're in there.

Would it be odd...

Would it be okay if I
was there sometimes?

It's just that that sounds very
nice, and I'd hate to miss it.

I don't want to intrude.

- You can't intrude on your own child.
- No, I... I know.

I'm just being...

I don't quite know what I'm
trying to say. [CHUCKLES]

Am I trying to say something?

I don't know. Are you?

Maybe.

But then, um...

maybe not.

No.

I think we're just... You know...

[KISSES]

Well, I should probably go.

- Well done for winning.
- That's me. Constantly winning.

Bye.

[LUKE] Then, without even
meaning to in the first place,

you discover that person
you've been spending time with

might... might actually be someone you
could spend a little bit more time with.

Even if it's a terrible idea,

because you're two opposing
things, like yin and yang.

Those two things that famously
fit perfectly together.

- Can I make an observation?
- Please do.

You're consistently bad
at metaphors and similes.

You almost never find a
truly apt comparison.

Well, you're consistently being a
d*ck. How's that for a metaphor?

No, no, bear with me.

I think I've noticed this pattern
because it's a distancing technique.

"We're 'like' this. I
feel 'similar' to this."

How about you, Luke,

tell me, Simon, how you feel?

♪ Girl, you got wise blood ♪
♪ To come when summoned ♪

♪ I'm an outlaw ♪
♪ On the brink of self-implosion ♪

♪ Alone in a crowd on the corner ♪
♪ Goin' nowhere slow ♪

♪ I'm an outlaw ♪
♪ On the brink of self-implosion ♪