02x04 - The Haunted House

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

Get out of my bed, fatso.

- (grunts) Oh! Oh...
- (gagging)

Oh, my God. Oh, my, God, Mickey!

Mickey, help!

- (screams)
- (saw buzzing)

(shrieking)

- (laughs)
- Aah! What the hell's

wrong with you guys?!
You could've k*lled me!

No, no, no. If we wanted
to k*ll you, you'd be dead.

What's with the Obama mask?

Oh, yeah, that was just
the only mask I could find.

Just a little Halloween fun.

- Oh, I frickin' hate Halloween.
- What?!

Oh, what are you, a cop?
It's the best day of the year.

Yeah, it makes Christmas
look like Hanukkah.

Of course you like it. It's
a holiday based entirely

- on free handouts.
- I'm not sure if you're aware,

but there is a w*r on
fun in this country.

First they take our nudity,

and then our profanity,
and then our v*olence.

- Who's they?
- Them! The enemy. You know?

The big dogs, the... the fat cats.

- Mm, makes me sick.
- Course it makes you sick.

It makes everybody sick.
But not tonight, sir. No way.

Not Halloween. This is the
one night... the one night...

Where authority means nothing, okay?

Yeah, I'm gonna transform this place

into a brothel of sin.

- What?
- Oh, yeah. He's really good at it, too.

I think you're gonna really
like it. You should see

what he does to his
apartment every Halloween.

Yeah. Finally, I have a
playground worthy of my talents.

Absolutely not. People already
think this house is haunted.

I refuse to participate.

Um... refusal denied.

Hey, I'm serious. It's not happening!

Over my dead body!

Where you want this fog machine?

Oh, uh, pop it over by those

buckets of pigs' blood, right there.

You're really allowing this?

Why wouldn't I? This party's

the perfect way to cement my legacy.

What legacy?

Chip, I'm probably the coolest person

that ever went to Lockwood
but, thanks to our parents,

my reputation's taken a slight hit.

I just need to make sure
that people remember me

for the right reasons. And not just now,

but ten years, years from now.

This party's gonna be a monument

to the legend that is Sabrina Pemberton.

Healthy self-image.

Hey! Halloween, baby.

I got pounds of raw goat
meat and cow intestines,

ooh, and a buttload of chicken gizzards.

Stick 'em right there, I'll
go through 'em later.

Okay. Oh, I got to find
a Halloween costume.

Oh, Jimmy and I got you covered.
You know what we do? We got

this tradition where you got
to choose each other's Halloween

costume, and whatever gets
chosen, you got to go with it.

- You got to commit.
- Oh, okay, do me.

- Yeah, you want in on that?
- Yeah, yeah.

All right.

Fernando Valenzuela. Right?

- Who the hell is that?
- Who the hell are you?

He's only, like, one of
the best pitchers of all time.

- I've never heard of him.
- People will love it, trust me.

- My turn.
- Randy Johnson.

You guys making these names up?

Don't do pitcher just
'cause I did pitcher.

No, I'm not. You inspired me.

You know, I mean, you got these...

long, floppy limbs and this, like...

emaciated face.

Uh... No, like, in a good way. No...

(quietly): I find Randy
Johnson very attractive.

All right, whatever. Alba, do Jimmy.

Okay, uh...

Garbage.

- SABRINA: (chuckles) Nice.
- Garbage what?

Like the garbage man to drive a truck?

No. No man. No truck. Just garbage.

- Nice. Jimmy's garbage.
- Yeah. Okay.

Hey, what about me? I want to play.

I don't know. You can't go
throwing one of your bitch fits

if you don't get sexy ladybug.

If I'm wearing it, it's gonna be sexy.

Well, we'll see about that, Steve Jobs.

- Oh. That's good.
- (Jimmy chuckles)

Also a legend. Makes perfect sense.

I don't feel so good. My
butt keeps throwing up.

Oh, no! I can't get butt
sick. Uh... not for the party.

Jimmy, can you quarantine him?

Oh, yeah, on it. I'm immune.

I can't remember the last time
my butt wasn't throwing up.

But what about Halloween?
I want to be a ghoul

and eat all the candy.

Well, the candy's not going anywhere.

Once we plug up your
pipes, you can eat it

till your butt starts
throwing up all over again.

- Boom.
- Right.

Aw. Feel better, baby.

(doorbell rings)

Hey there, little guy.

Kind of early to be
trick-or-treating, isn't it?

Wait a second, I remember this guy.

Didn't I smash you?

Oh! Yeah, that's right.
Man, I would think

that tasing a resident would
be grounds for dismissal.

- Suspension.
- Hmm.

Which, as of tonight, has been lifted.

I'm back in the field, where I belong.

Well, everybody loves
a good comeback story.

- Thanks for stopping by.
- Not so fast.

I received an anonymous complaint

about a party here, tonight.

Hmm.

What?

- I told you: no parties.
- Mm-hmm.

Thank you for your
concern. I appreciate it.

But we are not having a party.

All set. Eight kegs, four
taps, pounds of ice.

Sign here, please.

(pen scratching on paper)

I enjoy drinking.

I like the escape.

I'm warning you.

- Look, even if we were having a party...
- Which we are not.

Which we are not...
There would be nothing

you could do about it, because
you're weak and insignificant.

And you certainly wouldn't be invited,

- 'cause you would ruin the vibe.
- (scoffs)

See, that's where you're wrong.

It's Halloween tonight.

- The police are stretched thin.
- Mm-hmm?

So within the walls of this
gated community, I am the law.

And if I hear so much
as one noise complaint,

- Uh-huh.
- By God, I will rain down...

Oh, Chip.

Now, why'd you go and
do something like that?

Very bad idea, this thing you did.

I warned you guys.

We're not throwing a
party. It's a stupid holiday

for stupid people. I
won't be a part of it.

Why are you walking towards me? Stop.

Stop! Stand down! I command you.

Don't make me do something I'll regret.

Are you insane? Let me
out! This is ridiculous.

Told you you'd be
participating. Happy Halloween.

- (chuckles)
- Release me! Release me now!

♪ ♪

- CHIP: You gotta let me out, man.
- (cage rattling)

Help me! Come on, let me out.

Let me out now!

- (cage rattling)
- I don't get his costume,

but cage boy is really committed.

Just let me out of the cage now!

(shrieks): Come o...

I don't get it.

Randy Jackson from American Idol?

No, Randy Johnson.

The Big Unit? Seattle Mariners?

Dude, I'm just trying to get a drink.

All right, well, sit tight,
guy. My homegirl's filling up

- her pumpkin.
- Yeah.

All right. (laughs)

- You good?
- Yeah!

- Wow, this party is awesome.
- Oh, yeah.

(laughs) Oh, did you know that
when you flush the toilets,

they fill back up with blood?

Classic bloody bowl. Yeah.

Hot garbage, coming through.

- Ooh!
- Yeah. I went method.

I've already gone to the
bathroom twice in this thing.

Okay. Normally that would gross me out,

- but I'm very excited by this commitment.
- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.
- Well, why don't

you get excited about this?

ALBA: What is that?

- JIMMY: That is Ben.
- ALBA: Ugh.

- Rigged up a baby monitor.
- He looks awful.

Well, I slapped some
ghoulish makeup on him

- once he passed out.
- How is he sleeping through this?

Put, uh, some cold
medication in some candy...

Sucked it right down.

Oh. Nice. Good thinking.
What else you got?

Uh, let's see. I got a lot. Oh.

See that nerd over there by
what he thinks is a speaker?

- Mm-hmm.
- It's not. It's a blood cannon.

- (both giggling)
- Watch this.

- See ya, nerd.
- ALBA: What's he doing?

- What? Okay, what's he doing?
- Damn it.

I got a glitch.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

- I got to go fix it.
- Aah!

- Oh.
- (laughs)

I don't remember Jobs doing shorts.

Think different.

Don't know what that means.

So what do you think?

Is this a party worthy of the
legendary Sabrina Pemberton?

Yeah, but this is just the opening act.

The main event's right over there.

Damn, Peter's not a boy anymore.

- Mm.
- Actually, he is.

He's a freshman.

You're gonna nail a freshman?

Not just a freshman.

The freshman... Matty Pruitt.

After I sink my teeth into him,

he'll be talking about me
for the next four years,

and that is how you cement a legacy.

Your mind is a frightening place.

(laughing): Oh.

It looks like someone's moving in.

- (Alba and Mickey laugh)
- All right.

That's not part of the plan.

- I like this. That pleases me.
- (laughing): Yes.

Damn it! There's
supposed to be a skeleton

tearing through here on
a zip line, a real one.

Where'd you get a real skeleton?

Oh, a vet clinic down in Hartford.

It's actually a raccoon, but
it looks just like a little kid.

Jimmy, just let me out of the cage.

Oh, but Mick would eat
me alive if I did that.

But I'll tell you what I can do.

I can give you this.

What is that?

Well, people will respect you more

if they think you
chose to be in the cage.

I am not wearing a monkey costume.

Hmm. Suit yourself.

I got to go fix a broken breaker board.

This is a disaster.

ALBA: Come on, bring it!

- (indistinct shouting)
- MICKEY: And the pitch.

- Oh! Not my boob! Aah!
- (people clamoring, groaning)

Lighten up. You're fine.
Put it back up on the head.

Hold still this time.

SECURITY GUARD: Okay,
party's over, everyone!

- Oh, no, no, no.
- Every single one of you, get out!

- Yeah, you heard me. Let's go!
- MICKEY: No, no. No.

Nobody go anywhere, all right?

This man is not to be
respected. He has no authority.

Yes, I am, and I do.

Come on, let's empty these cups!

- Okay.
- (gasps)

(gasps, pants) That is not what I meant.

- No?
- And you know it!

- Oh.
- Don't push me!

Like that?

I don't like piglets like you.

You know, coming
around, snorting around,

ruining everybody's fun.

And on this... this holiest of nights?

(in deep voice): How dare you!

That's it! I'm taking you in. Hey!

- Give that back to me!
- Come get it, pig.

Give it back. Give...
Hey, hey, hey! Give it!

Give it back. Give...
Hey, someone help me.

- Oh, yeah.
- Come on. I'm an offic...

- Boo, bitch!
- (people gasping)

- Alba!
- Oh, mischief, baby! (laughs)

If that were a real person,
that would be very inappropriate.

- Oh, come on.
- Well, now we got to...

- (grunts)
- We got to move him now?

All right, let's go. Man
down. Everybody out of the way.

- What the hell are you doing?
- Shut up, monkey.

- (groaning)
- Hey, back!

(groans, bars rattle)

Come on. Come on, load him up.

- Okay. There we go, yeah.
- There we go.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- (panting)
- (whoop)

- And that, my friend...
- Ooh! (laughs)

- is how you clean up a mess.
- (laughing): Yeah.

- (laughing): Yeah.
- WOMAN (over radio): Unit ,

we've got a receptacle
fire over on Maple.

Need you to extinguish. Copy?

? You mean there's
more of these losers?

WOMAN (over radio): Unit
, please respond. Copy?

Well, if we don't respond,

they're gonna send
someone to look for him.

That's not good.

(in deep voice): Uh, - , Eleanor.

This is unit on it.

Uh, copy-copy. Roger-dodger. Over.

♪ ♪

Hey, having fun?

Sabrina, hey!

- Awesome party.
- Mm-hmm.

Do people actually live here?

(laughing): Oh, my God.

What a funny question. You're so funny.

Oh, my God. And this costume! So funny.

- Oh, thanks.
- It's, like, Tinker Bell

is such a crazy little psycho, you know?

- It's perfect for you.
- How is Tinker Bell a psycho?

(laughing): How is she
not a psycho, right?

She's so obsessed with Peter
that she tries to k*ll herself.

I don't think she tries to k*ll herself.

Yeah, she definitely does.

She realizes that he's more into Wendy,

and then, you know, she
pounds a bunch of poison.

Honestly, what did she think
was gonna happen, right? I mean,

he's a boy, and you're a bug.

It's like, "Get out of here,
bug. Stop bugging everyone."

(laughs)

Do you want me to leave or something?

Are you crazy? I want you
to stay and have fun, unless

you feel like you want
to leave, in which case,

- you should totally go.
- JIMMY: Pick up your foot,

- or you're gonna get electrocuted.
- Hey, watch it.

Jimmy, do you mind? I'm in
the middle of a conversation.

JIMMY: Oh, I'm sorry,

you're in the middle of a conversation,

because I got a busted
compression system

on my number four blood cannon.

That's okay. I'm gonna go find Matty.

Uh...

See what you did!

Idiot!

♪ And it lurks inside of us all ♪

Ridiculous.

- (electrical pop, buzzing)
- Aah!

♪ And it's hard to be the
one you want me to... ♪

(gasps)

Candy.

(siren wailing, tires squealing)

(both laughing)

(siren stops)

Whoa! Okay.

- For a security car, this lady's got balls.
- Yeah.

I'm gonna go stomp that out.

- Then we'll get back to the fun.
- Yeah, okay.

- (gasps, shrieks)
- BOY: Yeah, man, get him.

Nice.

- (shrieking, groaning)
- Yeah, keep throwing.

Stop! (coughs) Stop it!

(Mickey shrieks) Oh!

You better run, you little bastards!

I will m*rder you!

I will burn your houses while
your families sleep in them!

I will drink your blood!

Buckle up, Alba!

(tires screech)

You know, just to play devil's advocate,

they were only having fun.

How about you stop
worrying about the devil

and advocate for my face?!

Okay. There's just so many costumes.

How are we going to see them?

We just need to see someone
who doesn't want to see us.

Got him.

(tires squealing)

(tires screech)

(panting)

What's up now, piggy?

Out of your jurisdiction? (laughs)

(engine revving)

(tires screech)

(panting)

Who the hell are you?

I'm Randy Johnson.

Who?

You've been going about this all wrong.

Matty's only here with Tinker Bell

because he thinks that
you're unattainable,

which makes sense. You are.

Sabrina, come on. This guy's
awake, and it's getting weird.

I agree.

You just need to prove to him

that you're open to being attained.

(chuckles) That's good.

Can I at least get a drink?

♪ ♪

(grunts)

Hey, Peter.

- Hey.
- Find your shadow yet?

I... uh, no, n-not yet.

It's actually, it's kind of
hard with all the lights in here.

- (laughs): Right.
- You know. Yeah.

Uh, I'm pretty sure I
saw it in my bedroom.

- Come on. I'll show you.
- Ah, oh, man...

Oh. Is Matty Pruitt shy?

No. No, it-it's not...
it's not that. Um...

Sabrina, you're... you're really great.

I just, uh, I came here with Gretchen.

Uh, Tinker Bell. You know...

I just, I-I don't want to
disrespect her like that.

(laughs): Oh, whoa,
Matty, slow down, okay?

I'm not trying to hit on you.

- You're not?
- You're...

You're a freshman, you
know? You're just...

you're just a little guy.

- You know?
- Okay.

Oh, don't be embarrassed... It's just...

you're not... there yet.

Plus, I have a boyfriend.

He lives in the city,

and, um...

he's European.

So it's, like... a whole thing.

I should... I should probably call him.

It's been... like, a wh...

Bye.

♪ ♪

All right, so we got,
like, eggs left, so...

what if we soaked them in lighter fluid

and lit them on fire so
we could throw fire eggs...

Well, well, well.

(grunts)

Who the hell are you guys?

I'm Hernando Lalazoola.

It's Fernando Valenz...
Just forget about it.

- What the hell, Sean?
- What do you want from me?

- These dudes are nuts.
- Okay, fellas,

here's what I'm thinking.

I take you back home to your parents,

charge you with as*ault,
probably just toss you in juvie,

- maybe throw you in the big boy t*nk.
- Oh, no.

Or...

you guys eat every single one
of these eggs and walk away.

Sounds like a good deal.

(chuckles): Uh, but that's impossible.

Graduating from high
school is impossible!

Eating eggs...

is entirely possible.

Sir, I'm-I'm really sorry...

Open... your mouth.

(faint grunt)

Now bite.

Because I think I'd
remember if I signed for it.

Did you check his I.D.?

Oh, you just hand over
a -gallon drum of slime

to any Tom, d*ck or
Harry with a pencil?!

Hang on a second. Sabrina, did you sign

for my slime, or know who did?

- What?!
- Yeah, she doesn't know.

So let me tell you
how this is gonna work.

No. Because... Sabrina,
that's tech support!

I've got bigger problems, okay?

Matty Pruitt just rejected me!

And it's fine, 'cause I played it off

and told him I had a Euro boyfriend.

But seriously, who the
hell does he think he is?

I mean, I'm way hotter
than that Tinker Bell slut.

Oh. He's with Tinker Bell.

Let me tell you something.

I'm the hottest girl in school, okay?

I could screw all those girls'
boyfriends if I wanted to.

And when they go home and
they cry to their daddies,

I could kick the door down
and screw their daddies, too!

Okay, even if that is true,

I recommend we not do that.

♪ ♪

I can do whatever the
hell I want, you fool.

(whispers): I'm unstoppable.

JIMMY (on monitor):
Yah. Yah. I know it. I know.

Yah, because I did it myself.

Do not put me on hold!

(Jimmy groans in frustration)

(pants) You guys, I was kidding.

- Honestly, I was kidding.
- BOY: Oh, great.

Oh, my God, it's
Halloween... Lighten up.

Let's party, right?

Let's...

All right, so what?

Okay? It's not like
what I said wasn't true.

I am the hottest girl in
school, and you all know that.

It's genetics... what are you
gonna do, be mad at my genes?

- (scattered laughter)
- Seriously?

Who did that? Huh?

Come on, man up... Who did that?

Oh, you don't know? Who did it!

Come on, we were just
trying to have some fun.

That wasn't fun, okay?

I know fun, all right? I invented fun.

Come on, it's Halloween.

I also invented Halloween.

But you said if we ate
the eggs, you'd let us go.

- Well, you did say that.
- I know what I said.

I lied. It was a trick. That's
what Halloween's all about.

Right? Tricks and treats.

Not assaulting people
with unborn chickens.

Now, you sit here and reflect
on your poor choices, while me

and should-be Hall of
Famer Fernando Valenzuela

go tear the ass off this place.

(laughs): Oh, yeah,
you think that's funny?

I'll tell you what's
funny... How irrelevant

you all are!

You're just a bunch of maggots

I've been carrying on my back for years!

But not anymore.

No, no, no, no, no.

Soon I'll be gone, and
you'll all be adrift

in a sea of mediocrity

just dreaming of sunnier
days when I was your queen

and you were just jesters in my court!

And you'll remember this day,
because your lives

Will never be the same... But me,

me, I'm never gonna
think about it again.

I made you and I can destroy you,

and you will never forget
me! You will remember me!

Aah...!

- (expl*si*n)
- (shouts)

(high-pitched tone drones)

(muted, distorted voices)

JIMMY (muted): Oh, man! Oh, my God!

- (voice muted)
- (high-pitched tone continues)

(muted)

(high-pitched tone drones)

(muted)

(high-pitched tone drones)

Dude, she's a witch.

No, don't eat that, Benito.

But Mickey said I could
have as much as I want.

Yeah, I know, but this is
covered in pig's blood. No.

Oh, well, well.

Don't talk to me.

(mock crying): "Don't talk to me."

Hey, lady! You're crazy.

You could've k*lled someone!

Hey, pipe down, security man.

The way I see it you got two options.

You can either be the zero

who was locked in a cage all night naked

with a -year-old boy,
or you could be the hero

who rounded up and
captured a bunch of vandals

who were terrorizing the neighborhood.

They are sitting in your car out front.

Fine. Give me the keys.

Can I have my clothes back?

No.

(groans): Oh...

(chuckles) Oh, Mick, I
wish you could've seen it.

I don't think anyone's
ever gonna forget this night

- as long as they live.
- Oh, God.

Yeah. No kidding.

Why did you do it without me?

Well, next time's gonna be nuts.

I know a guy who works at
a morgue down in Providence.

Now, he said if nobody claims
a John Doe after days,

they just toss it in the furnace.

He said he could easily
set one aside for me.

- Oh! That's awesome!
- Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Oh, no, no, no, come on, can't
we just be done with this?

- (shrieks)
- Aah!

(laughter)

I frickin' hate Halloween!

(laughter continues)

- Jimmy!
- This is good.