02x09 - The Divorce

[bunniefuu]

POODLE: Thank you all for coming.

Your father and I have some big news

that we thought you
should hear in person.

Right, yeah. Can we just take a second

and discuss Christopher's teeth?

Oh, you noticed those.

Courtesy of the great
state of Connecticut.

They're really nice, Dad.

Uh-huh.

- Let's get back on track.
- Yes.

Um, Christopher, would
you like to start?

No, you go ahead.

I really think you should tell them.

Wait, are you guys having another baby?

Oh. Ew. No. No, just...

We're getting a divorce.

- What?!
- Okay.

- Why?
- Ugh. Well, I mean,

not that you'd ever understand this,

but marriage is very difficult.

No, I mean why now?

You live in separate prisons.
Seems like a lot of paperwork.

Mm, but we're a family. You're
just gonna throw this all away?

Well, I'm afraid there's more news.

Is it bad? I can't handle more bad.

It's about you, Chip.

Oh, God. I don't feel so good.

Poodle, floor is yours.

Really? I have to give
both pieces of news?

Well, considering the circumstances,

I think you should take this one.

Just frickin' lay it on me!

(sighs) Fine.

Chip, um, we just thought

that you should know that your father...

is not your father.

What? Who's his real dad?

Some scumbag d*ck named Howard Buckley.

All right, look, the point is

this doesn't change anything, sweetie.

SABRINA: Are you serious?

- Kind of changes everything.
- Okay.

Can we all just show a little
sensitivity here, please?

Poor kid just found out he's a bastard.

How you doing, Chip? You okay?

Ch-Chip?

Hello?

(all gasp)

Are you happy?

Damn. That is heavy.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, poor kid.

It was more bad news than his
little tiny brain could handle.

Mm-mm-mm-mm.

Hey, pal. How you holding up?

Just filling my bastard
glass with some bastard juice.

You know, maybe you should reach
out to this Howard Buckley guy.

No way. I'm not talking
to that home-wrecker.

Chip, when I was a little girl,

I told my father that I hated him

because he would not buy me a mango pop.

And the next day, he
was m*rder*d. By a bus.

CHIP: Alba, what does this story

have to do with me in any way?

My dad didn't die.

I have an extra dad.

If anything, I have
the opposite problem.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I'll be in my bastard
room doing bastard things.

- Yeah.
- Mm.

Messy.

Your parents really let
their screwed up relationship

bone the whole family, huh?

W-Well, yeah, but I mean,

you're not exactly an expert
on healthy relationships.

Hey.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- Oh, come on, you and Jimmy

are the most dysfunctional
couple I've ever seen.

You fight constantly,
you're never affectionate.

You b*rned his ass off.

Yeah, those are, uh,
th-those are ups and downs.

Every relationship has them, but...

You won't even call him your boyfriend.

He's not my boyfriend, that's why.

He's my, he's my guy. Uh, look.

I don't want to explain it to you.

I don't need to explain it to you.

Because Jimmy and I understand
each other, and we're fine.

Well, hon, it's been a while

since you two have been intimate.

Damn it, Alba!

You got to stop spying on us, okay.

I am not.

You guys mind your business, all right.

Jimmy and I are not the
ones dragging everybody

through their messy divorce.

What's divorce?

Uh... Mick, you want to take this one?

Damn it.

Chip. W-What are you doing?

Nothing much.

- Just burning some lies.
- Wha...?

You're burning your baseball glove?

I used to play catch with
my dad all the time, but...

since I no longer have
a dad, there's no point.

Ah...

Okay, oh. You need to see this.

I googled your real
father and it turns out

he's a pretty decent guy.

You know, h-he's a widower,

and he just finished fourth in a k

to raise awareness for lymphoma.

I think you should know him.

You know, when my father
was on his deathbed,

it took all the strength he had

to open his eyes, and-and
he looked up at me,

- and he said, "I'm...
- Damn! My dad's rich as balls!

He owns an outdoor recreation company,

and he's worth half a billy?

I'm back, baby!

Their headquarters are in
Stamford; it's ten minutes away.

Well, I guess it couldn't
hurt to take a look at the guy.

Okay. Let's go. I will drive.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

- (woman moaning)
- Hey, Jimmy, listen, we need to talk...

(grunts)

What you doing?

Nothing. You know, I was
just reading the news.

- Oh, you're reading the news...
- Uh-huh.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool.
- Yeah.

What's going on in the news?

Well, uh, you know,
I don't know, for starters:

- the whole world's going to hell.
- Oh, yeah.

- You know, so there's that.
- Yeah.

What?

Oh.

- (laughing)
- Yeah. You think I was...

- Yeah...
- Yeah, well,

that's funny that you think that.

- But I wasn't.
- Okay. Um... can I borrow your computer?

'Cause I got to check my e-mail.

No, I, see, I know
what you're doing, okay?

Come on.

And just so you know, I don't
use a computer to do that, so...

Right. Right.

Why would I use a
computer when I can just

- think about you?
- Oh, my God.

- No, that's true. I do.
- Eh.

I think about you,
all right? I do. Okay?

Look, I'm not gonna lie to you.

Maybe sometimes there
are other people there.

- Mm.
- Well, I'm just saying, you know,

make my mind... it's like this gym.

- Eh, um, sorry, a gym?
- Yeah.

And you're there. You're-you're running

around the track on the outside.

I mean, sure, yeah, there
are other people there.

And they're-they're using the machines,

and maybe I check them
out for a sec, you know?

Hmm, see what kind of
exercises they're doing.

But sure enough, you always
come running back around.

And then I'm looking at you.

And I'm in the middle.

Tugging on it?

No. I, uh, what... you're putting...

- What're you doing, all right?
- Yeah.

'Cause you're coming
in here like the NSA!

You're demanding my hard drive!

And now, you're sticking
things in my mouth.

Why are you yelling at me?

Because I don't want you in here!

I didn't come in here to fight with you.

I actually came in 'cause
I wanted to talk about us,

but I've... yeah,
th-the mood has passed,

and I don't anymore, all right.

Enjoy... your, uh, the news.

(indistinct chatter)

Daddy?

Excuse me? Can I help you?

Uh, no.

(men chuckling)

Just, uh, got to use the restroom.

(chuckles nervously)

That's a pretty big fish.

Excuse me?

The picture of you out front. So cool.

Oh, the marlin. Right.

You an intern or something?

Uh, yeah, uh, I-I'm an intern.

I'm here working for free, so...

What are you, like, ?

Uh, I'm exactly .

What are you, a frickin' psychic?

I got a daughter your age.

Wish someone could instill
that work ethic in her.

Well, I'm big into ethics.

At school, they call me "Kid Ethics."

Right. Well, I'm done draining.
See you around.

Uh-huh.

(chuckles) Didn't even wash his hands.

Such a badass.

So Mom and Dad still love us,

they just don't want
to be married anymore?

Yeah, you got it. Nice job, bud.

Hey, uh, have you guys seen Mickey?

I need to talk to her.

Are you getting a divorce?

What? No.

Why would you ask me that?

Because I heard you fighting

and Sabrina said if you fight too much,

you're gonna get divorced.

You know what, Ben?
With all due respect,

what Mickey and I have works for us,

and we don't need to
explain ourselves to you,

or any other little kid.

Why are you fighting?

Because your aunt just walked in on me

in the middle of r-reading the news.

She caught you masturbating?

- Gross.
- No.

What's that?

- Have fun with that one.
- No, I don't want to.

Please tell me. I have to know.

What are the rules? Who's the master?

Can I be the master?

Teach me everything.

- (man moaning)
- Mick, I'm sorry I...

- (buzzing stops)
- Oh.

What the hell is going on?

- I'm masturbating.
- And don't you dare

tell me that you were reading the news,

because we both know that's not true.

No, I just told you, I'm masturbating.

Aha! So you admit it?

Yes, I've admitted it multiple times,

and I was actually kind
of ramping up to something,

so if we could circle back
to this in a couple minutes...

I don't know who you are anymore, Mick.

You're being so weird about all of this.

It's not a big deal.

It's betrayal, is what it is.

I just walked in on you
doing the exact same thing.

First, you didn't grow up like I did.

And guys do it because
they're different.

- How?
- I'm a man, and I need it.

You're a hypocrite, is what you are.

At least I'm not a cheater.

- (buzzing)
- What's that?

Sorry, it's just
really hard to hear you.

(buzzing continues)

- Shut the door.
- (door closes)

That is not fair. You promised!

You're years old.

- You're not going to a concert alone.
- Okay, that makes sense.

I get punished because
Lindsay got food poisoning?

God, you are such a spineless d*ck!

Urinal kid? What are you doing here?

- So sorry. Wrong office. I-I got to...
- Wait.

Come here.

What are you up to tonight?

(chuckles) Me? Nothing.

I-I mean, like, I'm super busy.

I got a ton of stuff,
but it can all move.

You want to take my
daughter to a concert?

She's much nicer than that, I promise.

What do you say? My treat.

I don't know. I don't think
that's such a good idea.

- R-Really.
- Come on. You'd be doing me

a really big favor, son.

ALBA: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Let me try to understand this.

So, instead of telling your
dad that you are his son,

you asked your sister out on a date?

- Ugh.
- No. He asked me.

Chip, listen, I know
you haven't had much luck

with the ladies, but
this is not the answer.

You're just jealous because my
new sister's hotter than you.

Oh, you think I'm hot?

N... That's not what I said.

No, you said I'm hot, she's hotter,

- and we're both your sister, so...
- Mm.

You Buckleys are pretty creepy, huh?

Shut up. At least we build
companies and earn our money.

We don't inherit and steal
like your jailbird dad.

Alba, let's go.

- Okay, let me just finish.
- Alba!

I got to go!

Okay! Okay. Ugh.

Mmm. Ah.

(sniffs) Don't worry.

I will not let this night
be tarnished by incest.

What's incest?

Okay. Ben?

How about this: tonight,

I'll answer all the
questions you've got.

After that, never again. Deal?

Deal. Now, tell me all about incest.

Is it about bugs?

I wish, buddy.

(knocking on door)

JIMMY: What?

It's me. Can I come in?

Fine.

I'm opening the door, slowly.

Hey.

What's going on with us?

I don't know, man.

We've been in this rut for a while,

and then Sabrina and Alba
start chirping in my ear.

Yeah, little Ben
really spun me out, too.

- Did he?
- Yeah.

You know what, who cares?
Why are we listening to them?

- I don't know.
- They don't get us.

No, they don't. Because
what we have is different.

That's what I keep
saying. It's different.

Yeah, it is.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Look, I can never unburn your ass.

I know that.

What do you say we start over?

Okay.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I'm Jimmy.

And if you're not doing anything
later, I'd like to take you out.

I would like that.

What's... what's that?

It was a...

Yeah, it's like a weird, old-timey...

- You...
- ...thing. I don't like it.

- Bad move.
- Yeah. It's okay.

- Okay.
- Okay.

(laughs softly)

- Stuff on the walls.
- Man, when was the last time you

had a patty mel... What's up?

What... no, sorry. Um, what?

No, you were talking about walls?

Yeah, well, they got just an
old hockey stick over there.

Looks like it's seen a lot of games.

- Yeah. I see it.
- Yeah.

- Neat.
- Right?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

- So, uh, what's going on?
- Hmm?

- What's new?
- Mm...

Um, ooh! There was something
I was gonna remember to tell you.

- Yeah? Like a dream you had?
- Oh, no, it wasn't a dream.

- Oh, like, a YouTube video?
- No.

- A show? You guys watching shows?
- It's actually...

Thank you. It's not helpful
when you talk, though.

- Okay.
- Because... no, just with the...

- it's hard for me to think of it.
- Right.

I can't remember.

- Well, they have a deep fryer...
- Oh, they got croquet mallets.

It's... oh, another
wall thing to look at?

Yeah.

- What's going on?
- I don't know.

- This is weird, right? Why are we so off?
- Yeah.

Maybe we should get some drinks.

- Of course we need drinks.
- Yeah.

- What are we doing without drinks?
- I don't know.

Hey, can we get a couple
beers over here, please?

- Yeah, a couple sh*ts, too.
- Yeah,

and I'll take the wine list.

- Yeah, ooh.
- Yeah, right?

(doorbell rings)

Urinal kid, come on in.

Good to see you. Kelly
will be right down.

Ah, tell her to take her time.

Happy to hang here with you.

Name's Chip, by the
way, not "urinal kid."

Chip. Might want to change that

to a man's name when puberty hits.

Oh, yeah, totally. Hate
my name, always have.

Even before just now.

I'm just messing with
you. It's a fine name.

Ah! I'm just messing with you, back.

- What a fun exchange.
- Come on, let's go.

- Uh, you sure? No rush.
- (door opens)

I'm happy to keep talking
to Dad... y-your dad.

You guys have fun.

Back by midnight, okay?

I'm serious.

So, uh, who's playing tonight?

I frickin' love music.

Oh, no, we're not going to the concert.

This guy I like has a house to
himself, and he invited me over.

So you can just drop
me there or whatever.

- But, I-I promised your dad...
- I don't care.

And if you say anything to my dad,

I will tell him you whipped it out.

Whoa, whoa! What? No, calm down.

Nobody's whipping anything out.

Driver, we need to change our drop-off.

Uh, yeah, but, sir,

uh, shouldn't you stick to the
original plan for the evening?

Wait, w-why is our Uber
driver talking to us?

(scoffs) Yeah, butt out, lady,

or I'll hit you with
a frickin' one star.

- (chuckles softly)
- Huh.

- (burps)
- (laughs)

MICKEY: You did not see
the Beatles in concert.

- I did. It was a secret show.
- So stupid.

Oh, what... hey, can we
get another round, please?

Why don't you just focus
on this round for now?

- (scoffs) Oh, yeah?
- Oh...

I smell a challenge.

- Is that what it was?
- (burps): Yeah.

Oh, guess what?

Challenge accepted.

(gags, coughing)

BARTENDER: All right, that's it.

- Time to close out.
- (Mickey retching)

Why?

What? Why?

You just puked in your glass.

No, I didn't.

(slurring): I was just taking
a break from finishing it.

I watched you.

Oh, I don't think I like your tone.

If the lady says she didn't
vomit, she didn't vomit.

I'm just telling you what I saw.

Yeah, well, maybe you need
to get your eyes checked,

because what I see
is a nice, crisp beer.

- Dude, don't.
- MICKEY: Jimmy, I really wouldn't.

Why? If I'm thirsty, why
wouldn't I drink a beer?

I would... (gags)

(exhales)

That's good.

It was a little hoppy,
but I think somebody

owes the lady an apology.

BARTENDER: Ugh...

Whoa, whoa, hey, uh, whoa.

You come back again,
and I'm calling the cops.

- Oh, ooh.
- Would we want to come back?

- (laughs) Your bar smells like puke.
- (door closes)

(both chuckle)

- He doesn't get us.
- Nobody gets us.

Thanks for that, by the way.

- Oh, you like that, do you?
- No, it was gross.

I don't like it. I don't want...
ever want you to do it again.

But for a second there, you know,

when you were dressing that guy down?

I like that.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, what do you say we
head back to the house and...

read the news?

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Why do we need a house?

CHIP: It's almost midnight.

What the frick is going on in there?

Aw, Chip, come on, buddy.

CHIP: I'm gonna go scope it out.

JORDAN: Hey, Jenna, what's up, babe?

No, I'm not busy.

Cool, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just
give me a few minutes to,

- uh, take out the trash.
- (Chip mouths)

See you soon, gorgeous.

- Hey, what took you so long?
- Ah...

That was my mom. She's
gonna be home pretty soon.

Oh. Okay. (clicks tongue)

- I'll call a car.
- No, no, no.

I-I didn't mean... We
can still, you know.

We just got to be quick.

Oh, okay.

Liar! He is a liar.

- He's a...
- Who the hell are you?

What the hell are you doing in here?

That wasn't his mom on the phone.

It was Jenna. She's on her way now.

You're kicking me out for Jenna?

Ah, God.

Whatever. It's not like
we're dating, anyways.

You said you liked me, you ass.

All right, if you're gonna be a bitch,

then you should just go.

Whoa. You want to disrespect me? Fine.

But you will not disrespect her,

and you will certainly not disrespect

Howard frickin' Buckley!

(crying): He didn't have
to disrespect me like that.

Oh, forget that jerk.

Um, thank you for, uh, having my back.

You're sweet. (chuckles)

Yeah, I'll always have your back.

No matter what.

You shouldn't be wasting your time

on a creep like that anyways.

I mean, you're... you're pretty,

you're smart, super frickin' chill...

No, no, no. It's...

We can't. I-It's not...

it's not... it's not you.

- I just... I want...
- Okay, okay. Hey, Chip. Chip.

Relax.

It'll be worth it.

I promise.

What the hell.

- (horn honking repeatedly)
- ALBA: Chip! No!

- No, we can't. It's not right.
- Okay, okay. Wh-What's wrong?

I-I got to tell you
something, something crazy.

All right. What is it?

(sighs) years ago,

my mom had an affair with your dad.

I am the bastard love
child of that affair.

What are you talking about?

Kelly, I'm your brother.

- What?
- Look, I know

- it sounds crazy... Aah!
- No!

No, I... I don't know
what you're talking about,

b-but you're psycho, and just
stay away from me, weirdo!

(low gasping)

- Ow! Ah, no, the pipes.
- You all right? You okay?

You know what, how about
this, how about this:

- you just put your head down, okay?
- Okay. Ow!

- You okay?
- Hold still.

- You hold still.
- MICKEY: Ow!

- JIMMY: Whoa!
- Hey!

- What's going on?
- Hey, mind your own business, pal.

Hey, get off of her!

- Yeah, you like assaulting women?
- No, no, no. No!

- (grunts)
- MICKEY: Oh! Oh!

Aah! Oh!

- Yeah, man! We got you.
- Guys, stop! No! Oh!

No, no, wait, wait,
wait! It was consensual!

- MAN: Son of a bitch!
- Oh!

(Chip grunting, wheezing)

ALBA: Chip!

At this point, no good can
come from knowing this man!

I'm sorry, I'm so sor...

- (crying)
- I can explain.

You whipped it out in
front of my daughter?

- Whoa, what? No!
- You're fired.

Well, I never... really worked there.

I was just kind of saying that...

- to meet you.
- See? I told you.

- This kid is a freak!
- Get the hell out of my house.

Pamela Pemberton.

- What?
- years ago, you...

you slept with a woman
named Pamela Pemberton.

- Poodle?
- Th-That's my mom.

I'm... your son.

(exhales)

Stay the hell away
from me and my family.

Alba, you blew it!

- So, what did we learn?
- That brothers and sisters

shouldn't kiss, because
it's icky and gross.

And their babies would have
all sorts of health problems.

Where do babies come from?

Huh. Kind of feels like

we should've covered that earlier.

Where do babies live
before they're babies?

How old's the oldest baby?

It's gonna be really fun
to see how you turn out.

(chuckles)

- So he's your boyfriend?
- He... no, I, see, he...

It's complicated.

So what happened was consensual?

Yes. It was my idea.

Do you need a place to stay tonight?

- We can take you to a shelter.
- I don't want to go to a shel...

I will have you know
I live in a mansion, okay?

(stammers) It doesn't...
Can you just please uncuff him?

Thank you.

(indistinct police radio transmission)

Be a little smarter next time.

(engine starts)

(siren chirps)

How did we get here?

Oh, I don't know.

I mean, I remember
driving, but I don't know

- where I parked, so...
- No. No, I mean,

I'm talking about our relationship.

It's just not healthy.

I know.

You know, we keep saying that...

nobody gets us, but...

maybe we don't get us.

♪ ♪

We had a good run, Mick.

Yeah, we did.

Like the Patriots in the early s.

Can we just sit and... enjoy
the silence for a little bit?

You got it, Mick.