02x10 - The Climb

[bunniefuu]

What the hell are you doing?

Trying to figure out what this thing's for.

But... Yeah, I got it.

It's not a bottle opener, you
caveman, it's a piece of art.

That? No, it's not.

I'm not doing this. I am hosting a salon

for the junior board of the
Met tomorrow night, so please,

just drink yourself into
a coma on the early side.

Absolutely not. No. Get a
bunch of hair everywhere?

I don't think so.

Not a hair salon, dingus.

A salon is an intellectual
gathering of young tastemakers.

I dare you to say
something more pretentious.

[CHUCKLES] Hey, Mickey, check it out.

- It kind of looks like balls.
- Oh, yeah.

[LAUGHS]: Absolutely, looks like balls.

- It's a heart.
- No, that's a bottle-opening scrotum.

Why do you even care about this crap?

Because a seat opened up on their board.

This is my chance to get in

with the elite art community.

Oh. You're social climbing.

Okay, you know what? I
don't have time for this.

- Alba, hit me.
- Okay. Uh, art deco.

Art deco. A pastiche of
many different styles,

sometimes contradictory,

united by an effort to be modern. Art deco.

- Yeah. Nailed it.
- Nice.

All right. Uh, how'd
you get roped into this?

Oh. She's giving me diamond earrings.

Oh, you're social climbing.

Nice. At least she admits it.

Oh, there's no shame in it. [CHUCKLES]

Mickey, can you make Totsi a cup of coffee?

What the hell is a Totsi and
what's it doing in my house?

- Not your house.
- BEN: Totsi's my friend.

He's got snakes for hair,
and a blue belt in karate.

Almost purple.

Smart. With a name like
Totsi, you're gonna need

to know how to fight.

I was named after an African king.

Oh, yeah? Mickey was
named after a malt liquor.

I take my coffee black.

Oh, well, I'm not a barista.

Mickey, please. He's my friend.

All right, fine.

I'll make you a cup of coffee, Totsi.

But only because you're a friend of Ben's,

and I have the utmost respect...

Are-are you...? Is he...?

[LAUGHING]: Dad! I...

- I mean, Mr. Buckley.
- I see athleticism

hasn't skipped a generation.

You watched my practice.

The end of it.

Listen, um,

I feel bad about what happened.

Uh, but you got to understand,

you went on a date with your sister.

J-Just so you know, I
never whipped it out...

Yeah, that's-that's in
the past. It's in the past.

- Okay.
- The point is,

if you're still interested,

I'd love to hang out sometime.

I'm free right now.

Well, I can't right now. I'm going on

a business trip to Maine.

Yeah. That-that...

Super... that's super chill.

You know what? Uh...

How'd you like to tag along?

Are you kidding me? Yes. Yes.

Y-Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay.

What are you doing out here?

Totsi's meditating. He
didn't want me to interrupt

his breath cycle.

Why do you hang out with that clown?

Because he's cool, and hanging out with him

makes me cool.

All right. Buddy...

I want to tell you that
being cool isn't important,

but I'm not gonna say that
'cause it's not true, you know?

Being cool is-is very,
very important, but I'm sure

there are other things that
are more important than that.

- Like what?
- Ooh...

Yeah, I don't know,
nothing's coming to mind.

You want to go check on Totsi?

Yo, Sting. Hot coffee, coming at you.

How was your meditation?

Gorgeous.

I suffered, I learned, I changed.

You were upstairs for four minutes.

Is this instant coffee?

Nope. Freshly brewed.

I don't believe you.

Show me the beans.

I'm not showing you my beans.

'Cause there are no beans.

There's loads of beans, okay?

I don't need to explain
my beans to you. What...?

Oh, are you serious? All
right, that's it, you're done.

- Come on, I'm taking you home.
- But Aunt Mickey!

No. It's for his own good.

Have a little talk with your mom.

See if I can't cram him back inside of her,

and then kick her down a flight of stairs.

When you said that we were flying,

I didn't realize that
you would be flying us.

It's the Buckley way.

Talk about soaring like a bird.

What?

It's... because we're as high as
a bird, but going twice as fast.

Hey, do me a favor, take the
controls for a second, will you?

Go ahead.

[CHUCKLES]

- [ENGINE SPUTTERS]
- [SHOUTS]

- Oh, oh!
- [SCREAMING]

We're going down! Brace yourself!

- [LAUGHING]
- [SCREAMING, LAUGHING]

[CHUCKLES]

I'm just messing with you, kid.

Oh, that's funny.

You're a funny guy. You got me.

Ah...

[SIGHS]

So-so where are we headed?

Where-where are we staying?

Great outdoors, my boy.

We're testing a whole bunch
of brand-new camping equipment

for my store.

You don't mind a little camping, do you?

Are you kidding me?

I frickin' love camping.

I can't wait to meet the
demon who spawned you.

Hi, sweetie. Hi.

I'm Jennie.

[QUIETLY]: Garth.

Oh, I am freaking out! [LAUGHS]

Beverly Hills, is
how I learned English.

And Kelly? Oh, she was my favorite.

She was b*rned in a fire
and she rose from the ashes.

- I know. Take a breath. Don't be weird.
- Okay, yeah.

Oh, hey. I'm glad you're here.

Uh, slight change of
plans. We're now gonna be

- co-hosting the salon.
- False.

I think you'll be whistling
a slightly different tune

when you find out who I'll
be bringing as my plus-one.

Who?

Jennie Garth.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Kelly Taylor.

No. Neither of them can come.

They're the same person. Wha... .

. What are you saying?

All right, never mind. I'm
bringing television star

Jennie Garth to the salon.

- No, you're not.
- Sabrina, I would hope you know by now

that if you try and stop me, I'm
just gonna show up and ruin it.

Come on, a few hours ago,
you were saying that my salon

was lame and pretentious.

It is. Nothing will ever change that.

Oh, so you're social climbing.

You are such a hypocrite.

How is that social climbing?

I invited a performance artist

to an art party. It makes perfect sense.

Yeah. Television is the
lowest form of art, okay?

It's a rung below macaroni jewelry.

You're just friends with her
because she's a celebrity.

Well, that's just insane.

She is a-a wonderful, warm, loving person.

You should take some acting
lessons from your new friend.

Alba, let's go. We've got work to do.

Uh, I-I can't. I'm helping Mickey now.

Oh, she promised to get Jennie to sign

my collector's lunchbox
and thermos. [CHUCKLES]

God. You're worse than all of us.

Ugh. What a Brenda, right?

[LAUGHING]: Yeah. The worst.

Ah, what do you say we go for a row?

I'll get the paddles,
you get the canoe down.

Yeah, no problem. I just...

I practically live at
the gym, so I got this.

Good for you. Hopefully, all that hard work

will show up on your body one day.

All right, let's see here.

- [HOWARD SCREAMING]
- Oh! Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my leg! You crushed me!

What the hell's the matter with you?

Oh, my God! I'm so sorry,
Daddy, I didn't mean to!

I-I'll call for help!

[GRUNTS]

[SHOUTS] I got to frickin' cell service!

- We're so screwed.
- Hey, stay with me, kid.

REMEMBER: you're a Buckley.

- It's inside you.
- Where inside me?

Deep inside you.

I'm just having t-trouble finding it.

- Can you help me...
- Damn it, Chip,

listen to me!

You can do this.

I believe in you.

You're right. I can do this. I can.

I need you to run back to the campsite.

I need you to get a tarp,

a lantern and a bottle of whiskey.

What? What do I look
like, frickin' Tomb Raider?

I can't go into the woods alone.

What-what if I fell into a crevice,

or I get att*cked by wolves
or I get r*ped by lumberjacks?

Run, damn you!

Duchamp's Fountain was
about the distinction

between art objects and everyday objects.

It was primarily a provocation...

Jennie, you came.

- You made it.
- So happy to be here.

Ooh, this house is just
pulsing with artistic energy.

- I can feel it.
- Can you? Yes.

Well, that is the vibe
that I've curated, so...

[CHUCKLES]

Hi, I'm Jennie.

So nice to meet you.

M-Mickey. I invited you.

Oh! I'm sorry.

I just meet so many people.

- Oh.
- Mm-hmm. L-Let me just focus.

Mickey.

- Mm-hmm.
- Right? Mickey, Mickey.

Mickey. Mickley.

Sickly.

Cancer.

Mickey! Ah.

See? I won't forget now.

I hope you don't mind I brought Totsi.

He just wasn't connecting with the sitter.

Mm. No, absolutely.

He's a... he's a delight.

We're happy to have the little ninja.

Ninjas are feudal Japanese mercenaries.

I'm a karateka.

I fight for honor.

My mistake. Why don't you go find Ben?

ALBA: Uh, Mickey?

Uh, you haven't introduced
me to your new friend.

- Jennie, this is Alba. Alba, Jennie.
- Ah.

- Alba.
- Yeah.

Abla. Habla español. Alba!

That was really good. Oh, so good. Yeah.

Hey.

- Ah, Milky.
- Mm.

- Mickey.
- You know? I wanted to say,

I am just thrilled that Totsi and Ben

are getting along so great.

Yeah, and a lot of kids
just don't get him, you know?

People don't get a lot
of cool stuff. Right?

Like uni and, uh, John Cougar Mellencamp.

- Totally. Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

I mean, it's not our job to put

rules and restrictions on these kids.

Nope. The only limit I
put on Ben is no limits.

- Mm-hmm!
- Right, I just encourage that guy

- to floor it right through life.
- Mm.

You know, I have been
seeing this new dietician,

and it has changed my life.

Like I can tell,

just by looking at your skin,

that your diet is all wonky.

Let me guess, a lot of
potatoes, beer, empty calories?

I-I mean, I had a potato for lunch, but...

Is this a safe space to
connect with you physically?

Why do you drink?

Yeah, that's a... cool...

big question.

Are you ashamed?

Lonely? Depressed?

I mean, what is it? Missy,

- your pain is palpable.
- Oh...

- Let it out!
- Okay.

I love feelings. I mean, that's
why we're all artists, right?

So we can just feel things?

- [THUDDING IN DISTANCE]
- Sure. Sure. Yeah.

- BEN: No! Stop it!
- I-I'm gonna check on the boys.

Hey, Jennie. Do me, do
me! I like to drink, too.

- [LAUGHS]
- Alba! Yeah.

- Okay. Hi.
- [GIGGLING]: Oh!

What the hell happened in here?

Totsi broke my stuff.

I set you free.

Man is enslaved by his possessions.

Well, that's not really
your call to make, Totsi.

Ben and I like our possessions.

Your spirits are not aligned
with your core values.

No, no, no, no, no. Come back. Hey!

Open your eyes and... I am
not done talking to you. Hey!

I know you can hear me in there.

He can hear me in there, Ben.

I don't want to play with him anymore.

You know what? I don't want to play

with his mom anymore, either.

- [HUMMING]
- What?

What is that? That's a...

That's an irritating sound.

I so envy the work you guys are doing.

I mean, to be able to create
under stress-free circumstances.

I mean, there's a lot of
work that goes into it, so...

Oh, yes. Of course, of
course. I'm just saying

that you're lucky you're not
an actress, because you don't

have to deal with all
the pressure. You know?

Plus, you're-you're shielded, you know,

from the-from the harsh criticisms

of-of... people actually seeing your work.

Oh, see? Look how lucky you are.

Hey. Excuse me, everyone.

- Hi. Jennie.
- Yeah, Cancer. Right?

- Uh, just real quick.
- Uh...

I-I can't. I can't do it
anymore, she-she sucks.

Look, I don't care if she's a celebrity,

she's the worst, her son's
the worst. They got to go.

But she is still Jennie.

- Who cares? She's...
- Enough is enough.

Okay? I gave her a chance.

She sucks. She's got to go.

Okay.

I respect you, and if
it's that important to you,

- I will ask her to leave.
- Thank you.

But I'm gonna need that bracelet first.

- Oh, no. Don't...
- Fine.

Whatever.

- Oh...
- Boot her.

Oh, don't do it. [SCOFFS]

- Jen, hey.
- Mm!

- Can we talk for just a second?
- Oh.

I am having so much fun.

- We have to do this more often.
- Yeah, well, that's the thing.

- Eh, this isn't gonna be the...
- Saturday.

I'm going to a thing. You should come.

Yeah. Oh, Mario is gonna love you.

- Mario?
- Lopez.

- [GASPS] Uh...
- Yeah.

- His parties are insane.
- Uh-huh? Are they?

So, yeah, I'll forward you the thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Forward it on over.

Okay.

Ooh, yay! I love our friendship.

- Oh, gosh! Our-our friendship...
- [CLATTERING IN DISTANCE]

...is-is great. I'm gonna
go check on the boys.

- BEN: Ow! That hurt!
- I'm gonna check on those guys.

[GASPING]

Hey! Let go of him.

Not until he submits.

You will release him
right now, you little jerk!

Ow!

I... I'm sorry.

I'm telling Jennie!

No. I'm sorry. I was-I was kidding.

That was a great chokehold.

- Move! I'm telling!
- No, no, no...

Ah, ah, ah!

I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Totsi.

Okay, uh, this is not ideal, I see that.

But we-we can fix this,
right? What would you like?

Would you like some ice cream?
I can bring some brownies up...

- I want Jennie!
- Shh! Okay.

I can't do that, but anything else.

Jennie!

Shut it! We got to shut
this kid up. All right.

- Listen... whoa!
- [SHOUTS]

What are you doing?

You wanted me to shut him up.

We don't hit.

Here. Stuff this sock in his mouth.

ALBA: Y-You don't have to get...

What? [GASPS]

What have you done?

I know. I'm trying to fix it. Okay?

- But what about my thermos?
- We're way past that now.

- I need your help.
- No! No, no, no, no, no.

I only did all of this
to be friends with Jennie,

- and that is all I care about.
- We don't need Jennie anymore.

- What?
- She invited me to Mario Lopez's

birthday party this weekend.

And do you know what he has access to?

All of Hollywood.

- All of Hollywood.
- Okay, yeah.

Yeah. We leapfrog this bitch.

Let's go secure that invite.

- Ben, hang out with Totsi.
- Yeah.

But I don't want to.

He broke all the stuff I like.

Then break something
he likes. I don't know.

- Figure it out.
- Yeah.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[PANTING]: I got it, I got all the stuff!

I got all the stuff! I did...

I was so fast, Dad! I was so fast!

Okay. First thing we got to do...

[GRUNTS]

...we got to sterilize the wound.

- Seriously?!
- I'm so, so sorry.

- Give me the booze.
- [PANTING]: Okay.

- [YELLING IN PAIN]
- [GROANS]

Ow!

All right... [GRUNTS IN PAIN]

All right, you're gonna
pop the bone back in

while I bite down on this.

Are you insane? I can't do that!

Of course you can do it. You're a Buckley!

- [QUIETLY]: I'm a Buckley.
- Okay, grab my leg.

On three, I want you to
pull with all your strength.

Okay.

One,

two, three!

- [CRACKS]
- [SCREAMING]

[SOBBING]: I asked you
to pull, you bastard!

- I thought you said push!
- I clearly said pull.

It's okay. We're gonna do it again.

And this time pull, you son of a bitch!

One, two...

three!

- [cr*ck]
- Oh-ho-ho!

Aha! I did it!

I'm like a frickin' ortho surgeon!

- Boom, baby!
- That was the easy part.

Now you have to drag me out of here.

Really? I... you know, I...

I feel like we should...
we should just rest, or...

you know, just start fresh in the morning.

Damn it, Chip, I'll be dead by morning.

You need to unfold this tarp

and put me on it and drag me out of here,

following the North Star.

What's the North Star?

[SIGHS]

[CLINKING]

Hi. Uh...

I'm sorry, I just want
to say a couple of things.

Tonight has been one of the
most inspiring nights of my life.

I... I've been kind of down lately.

Well, since / , actually.

But not tonight.

Tonight I am feeling reborn.

And it is because of all of you, really.

You know what? I have idea.

I think we should make a pact,

right here, right now,

to never stop creating.

[MURMURING]

'Cause I can't do it alone, not anymore.

I need you guys. Okay?

Thank you. Really.

Cheers.

[SPARSE CLAPPING]

I am so sorry about her.

Why? She's great.

She's so passionate.

- I was the biggest fan of her show.
- I'm happy

- to introduce you.
- Would you? That would be amazing.

Of course.

- Hey, you havin' a good time, buddy?
- Hi!

Listen, uh, do you think I
could grab that invite from you

real quick, just so I
could pop it in my calendar?

I don't want the day to fill up.

- Oh, sure.
- Jen. So sorry to interrupt.

Um, I hooked a fan. Not shocking, I know.

Okay, but not now, not now.
Hey, where is your phone?

You want me to call it to see
if we can hear it buzz or...?

Um, Totsi confiscated it... He thinks

I'm too reliant on the technology.

Oh, man, you two have a
beautiful relationship.

- I'll go grab it.
- You know, I'll go.

- It's time for his hug anyway.
- No! Nobody touches the boys.

- Is everything okay?
- Of course everything's okay.

What are you...

- Wha...?
- She is... she loves a party.

She can't stand to miss
a minute of a party.

You two hang out. Have
fun. I'll be right back.

- Mm. Enjoy ourselves.
- Yeah. We're cool.

- Mush. Mush.
- [QUIET GRUNTING]

Mush!

Leave me here to die.

- I'm just a pile of meat now.
- [COYOTES HOWLING]

Stop talking like that.
You're gonna make it.

Strip my clothes off...

so the coyotes can pick up my scent.

Shut up. I think I hear something.

It's probably the dogs.

Go. You can get a head
start while they feast.

It's a car! There must be a road!

[PANTING]

[GASPING BREATHS]

Whoa, are you okay?

[PANTING]: No.

My dad needs a hospital.

Okay, just calm down. What's your name?

Chip.

Chip Buckley.

All right, Totsi, I need
your mom's pho... [GASPS]

Ben? What did you do?!

I took his hair, just like you said.

I didn't say that.

I didn't say anything
remotely close to that.

Oh, this is bad. No, no, no, no, no.

This is very bad.

Aw, Ben.

Okay, do-do you have, like, a hot glue g*n

- or something?
- ALBA: No. Wait. You cannot...

Mickey, what the hell?

Damn it, Alba, I told you
to keep her out of here.

Well, she promised me
tickets to the Met Gala.

- Do you even know what that is?
- It sounds very exclusive.

- What did you do?
- I didn't do this. Ben did.

Mickey tied him up.

- Wha...
- I did do that.

- Okay, we need to fix it.
- I thought you hated her.

I did, but now she's my ticket
to the junior museum board.

Oh, could you stop obsessing about boards?

Nobody cares about boards!
I need her to help me

get into Mario Lopez's birthday party.

- Aha! You are social climbing.
- Of course I'm social climbing.

I want to be friends with
celebrities. Who doesn't?

Okay, we got to figure out
something, because I am going

to that gala, or I am
getting my thermos signed.

Well, okay, um, let's think.

All right, how about
we just feed her drinks

until she blacks out, and
then when she comes to,

we tell her that she shaved her son's head.

That's the stupidest idea you've ever had.

- It wasn't a great one.
- Oh, yeah,

but maybe we shave our heads, too,

make her think she went
on a head-shaving rampage.

- I'm not shaving my head!
- Mm, not gonna do that, no.

Well, I was piggybacking on yours.

Oh, my God! Totsi?

- [MUFFLED SHOUTS]
- Hey, girl.

They, you know, the boys,
they were just playing

- cowboys and Indians.
- No. My Totsi

does not reenact genocide.

He marches against it.

- He's a really woke kid.
- Yeah, you know,

I think we're all gonna laugh
our butts off about this,

- you know, at Mario's party.
- [FORCED LAUGHTER]

No, no. I never want to see you again.

I thought you were my friend, Mindred.

It's Mickey! I...

Are you okay, baby? Let's get out of here.

[SCREAMS]

Ben did it.

- Yeah, it was him.
- [GASPS]

Hey.

I'm so proud of you.

You were a real Buckley today.

But I have some bad news.

I'm bleeding internally.

What?

[CRYING]: Daddy, no.

[CHUCKLES] I'm just messin' with ya.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Mm. [CHUCKLES]

- MAN: Excuse me.
- Phillip. Come on in.

[WHISPERS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Chip, inside this envelope

are the results of a DNA
test I requested this morning.

I wanted to find out just how
much you and I had in common.

- Turns out nothing.
- Huh?

I'm not your dad.

Ha-ha! The joke of all jokes. You got me.

It's not a joke. This is real life, son.

Oh, sorry. Chip.

Um, I asked an FBI buddy of mine

to run a DNA match for you,

and your dad was already in the system,

so it was a pretty quick search.

I just hope he's a better
man than that file indicates.

ALBA: It kind of looks like balls.