02x18 - The Car

[bunniefuu]

My God.

- I-I-I weep for our future.
- Pathetic.

When did Ben get a phone?

I upgraded mine,
so I gave him my old one.

No. Absolutely not.
I didn't sign off on that.

Hey, that's mine.

Not anymore.

(gasps) What the hell is wrong with you?

- I don't like it.
- Phones?

Uh, phones, computers, the-the pads,

the cloud, you know, the Internet.

- N-None of it. I don't like it.
- You sound senile.

All right, well,
if living in the real world is senile,

then I am Liza Minnelli.

(scoffs) Real world blows.

I can't wait till I'm
hooked up to an I.V. drip

just hammering VR p*rn stars / .

ALBA: Ah, Chip.

You don't mean that.
The world is full of excitement.

Just look around you.

Oh, yeah, like what?

Oh, like, uh...

Oh, politics and pranks,
uh, celebrity interviews,

- cooking competitions.
- What are you doing?

You're just naming stuff on TV.

Listen, guys, it's a beautiful day.
Let's go outside.

Yeah, right. It's, like,
a thousand frickin' degrees outside.

And God forbid we feel something
or have a human interaction.

I have human interactions all the time.

Later today, I'm meeting up
with some guy I met online.

- (chuckles) Probably a nerd.
- Or a pervert.

He's neither, actually.

He's a sick tattoo artist
and he's coming over

to give me some fresh new ink.

Are you sure he's not
a sick new m*rder*r

coming over to turn
your skin into a cape?

Yeah, you know, maybe Mickey's right.

I feel like the whole
point of the Internet

is so you don't have to meet people.

You know, you can just live your
whole life inside a computer.

No. That wasn't the point
I was making at all.

Th-The point is, put your phones down.

Look up, get outside,
have an experience.

Getting a tattoo is an experience.

I don't know, I'm thinking maybe
a power fist with nail polish.

Yes, please put that
on your body forever.

Found her.

- Found who?
- My car.

Thought she got stolen,
turns out she's at the impound.

Want to come?

Yes, I do. You're coming with me, Ben.

Let's get out of here before
these two get chopped to bits

- by some nerd pervert.
- Yeah.

Yeah, right. A day with you

is way more dangerous
than anything online.

MICKEY: Ugh, it's hot as hell out here.

Yeah, my shorts are pulling up.

Why are we even here, Jimmy?
Just buy a new car.

Or we got a whole fleet of
luxury vehicles at home.

Yeah, I don't need a new car.
Mine runs just fine.

Got a thousand memories in the ol'
Blue Magoose.

My memories consist mostly of
you running me over with it.

You don't put something out to pasture

when it's still in its prime, okay?

Now, I know she may not look it,
but this kitty can still...

Whoa!

MICKEY: What are you doing?

- Yo, Officer, is this for sale?
- Everything's for sale.

She is a beaut, tell you that much.

- How many miles we working with?
- , .

Still, that price can't be right.
Only bucks?

I mean, what's the catch?

I'm thinking these b*llet holes
have something to do with it.

You would be correct.

ALBA: Chip, can I...?

- Hey, what are you doing?
- Nothing. b*at it.

- Hey, stop! That's private.
- What is this?

Nothing. I make doodles sometimes.

That was a doodle I did.

Oh, well, this doodle looks very similar

to a tattoo Sabrina described.

(scoffs) Nah.

- Nah?
- (weakly): Nah.

Well, I think yes.
I think something smells fishy.

Well, I think you're an idiot, so...

Eh, maybe.

I'll go see what Sabrina thinks.

No! Fine! Okay, just... (sighs)

Promise me that you
will not tell Sabrina.

Oh, I already like where this is going.
Okay. Let's go.

(sighs)

I am Sabrina's tattoo artist.

Marcus Lella, Ink Well Boston.
I made him up.

You catfish your sister?

No. What? What is wrong with you? Ew.

Um, I made a fake profile to
get closer to her friend Holly.

I just want to find out,
you know, her likes,

- her interests, what turns her on.
- Uh-huh.

Anything I can use.

Creepy.

I made a bunch of different personas,

but Marcus is the one that just really,
really broke through.

- Hmm.
- Beautiful black man,

silver tongue, a million fake followers.

Oh. (chuckles)

This is delicious.

Oh, Sabrina is gonna destroy
you when she finds out.

Yeah, okay. She's not gonna find out
'cause Marcus is gonna die of AIDS.

- Wh-What?
- Yeah.

My cover's basically blown.

I told her the only days I was available

was the days that she was out of town.
She cancels her trip.

Now I have to give her a tattoo today.

But why AIDS?

It makes sense.
He's a baller tattoo artist.

He works with needles
and he gets laid a lot.

Okay, Chip. No. You can't k*ll this guy.

It is too good.

Pay me $ and I will
help you keep Marcus alive.

Nope. No, thanks. Go.

Let me rephrase that.

For $ I won't tell
Sabrina that you are Marcus.

JIMMY: Yeah!

Ben, feel that rumble in your balls?

- It kind of hurts.
- Yeah?

- They'll toughen up once you work 'em over.
- Okay.

That'll do with the ball talk.

Can we get back on the highway, please?

I'm telling you, Mick.
You should take the wheel.

- This broad can really salsa.
- I don't know what that means.

Well, if you were feeling
what I'm feeling,

you'd know exactly what it means.

If we switch places,
will you stop talking?

- I'd consider it.
- Okay. Pull over.

Mm-hmm.

Now, she can be a little nasty

- coming out of first.
- Yeah.

So you're gonna want to be gentle

- but also firm.
- Right.

- It's locked.
- This one, too.

Ben. Little help.

It's locked.

Oh, good.

Where are we, the surface of the sun?

- Am I in danger?
- What?

No. No, no, no, no, no.

You're good.
We're just playing a little game.

- What's the game?
- Eh...

Uh, cops and criminals.

We're the cops, you're the criminal.

- What did I do?
- Well, fire stuff, obviously.

Right? You, uh,
you b*rned down a high-rise

and collected
the insurance money. You...

Yeah, then you took out
cops trying to escape.

- Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- (imitates g*nf*re)

Yeah, yeah. That'll do.

So, should we grab, like,
a rock and start-start smashing or...

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You're not smashing her.
She's brand-new.

This thing has , miles on it.

She's probably unsmashable.

I mean, this thing's built like a t*nk.

Okay, so what do you want to do?

You just want to sit
back and watch him cook

- like a bunny in a microwave?
- No, of course not.

One of us should probably
hoof it into the town

and get a hanger.

It's built like a t*nk,

but you can get into
it with a coat hanger?

I get it. Okay, you know what?

Why don't you just sit here

and keep looking pretty, Your Majesty,

while I fix the problem?

Take care of my baby, and Ben, too.

Good luck, Bear Grylls.

Okay, buddy. Time to smash.

All right, buddy, scoot over

and duck.

(screaming)

Ow!

Oh, boy.

(groans)

Are you okay?

I'm okay.

Fun game!

(whimpers)

Sabrina, I want to talk to
you about your friend Marcus.

You mean the guy Chip's
pretending to be online?

Wha... You already knew this?

Yeah, he left his laptop open.

And no black guy says
"frickin'" that much.

So, uh, why do you keep talking to him?

'Cause I'm trying to
back him into a corner

and force him to confess.

But the dude just keeps doubling down.
It's crazy.

What if I told you there was a way
you could completely destroy him?

Obviously, I'd be interested.

Then I will tell you for $ .

Yeah. No, thanks.

I'll stick to my original plan.

Oh, okay. I understand.

I-I'm just gonna go tell Chip
to get out before it's too late.

All right, Alba. Come on. Fine.

(sighs) Here.

Okay. Holly is the key.

Chip created Marcus to get to her.

- Holly?
- Mm.

Come on. Are you serious?
But she's so lame.

Well, you must out Chip in front of her.

Yeah, I mean,
that'll destroy him for sure.

I'm into it, but...
I-I just can't wrap my head around

this Holly thing.

It's like, I have way hotter friends.

I'm enough. I'm in shape.

I have a good body. I'm a good boy.

- MAN: Excuse me.
- Oh?

You snuck up on me there, guy.

Yeah, sorry.
These electric cars run pretty quiet.

You look like you could use some help.

Hey, why won't you do me a favor
and go look somewhere else?

You sure? It's, uh, pretty hot out.

Yeah, I'm sure, Mr. Robot.

Go ahead and drive your little
golf car back to the future.

I'm an American man.

Hey, Chip. Great news.

- You threw her off my scent?
- Nah. I'm still working on that.

But also, Holly is downstairs.

What? W-Why? Why?

I-I don't know. But hey, I get it, man.

She's very pretty.

No. This is not good.

I got to get out of here.

No, hey. What are you talking about?

The whole point was to get Holly here,

- and now she's here.
- No.

- I got to k*ll him right now.
- Ay, no. Chip.

Forget about Marcus. You are Marcus.

Marcus is a very ripped,
handsome black man.

Okay, listen. Sure, sure,

his looks got her in the door,

but she stayed for you.

You know, she liked your words.
She laughed at your jokes.

- You know what?
- Yeah.

Maybe you're right. This is my moment.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.
You know, the table is set.

All you have to do is sit down and eat.

I'm gonna frickin' feast.

Ah, yeah. Such a loser.

(grunting) Come on, you bastard.

Come on.

Open for me, you bitch.

Open sesame. Come on!

Ah, you stupid, stupid machine!

(panting)

Aunt Mickey, I'm bored.

Can we play a different game?

Yeah. You got it, bud.

Just give me a second to
gather my thoughts, okay?

(grunting)

Ah. (laughs) I did it.

I did this.

I penetrated the impenetrable machine!

I'm a hero! I save lives!

(laughs hysterically)

Oh, yes!

Stand back, buddy, okay?

Coming in the back door. Hang on.

- Here we go. You standing back?
- BEN: Uh-huh!

Look out, I'm on my way.

Blasting through.

(grunting)

Damn it.

BEN: Uh, Aunt Mickey?

Are you in the trunk?

Yes, Ben. Yes, I am.

BEN: Aunt Mickey, are you still there?

Yep.

Just reflecting on all the
choices that landed me here.

- (phone chiming)
- What was that?

- What was that noise?
- Oh, it's your phone.

My phone? Can you see it?
Who is it? Is it help?

(chiming)

Your wireless bill is past due.

I know it is! It always is!

Okay, Ben, we got to get that phone.
It's our only hope.

- Move out of the way.
- Why?

'Cause I'm coming in. (grunting)

Hey, guys. Don't mind me.

I'm just grabbing an alkaline water.

Just finished a brutal Pilates sesh.

You do Pilates?

No, he does not.

You don't know what I
do and what I don't do.

- (exhales)
- I mean, I love Pilates, too.

- Really? But you've...
- Mm-hmm.

...you got such a lean, toned body.

Well, yeah, it's 'cause of the Pilates.

- (both chuckle)
- Right.

Kind of like the classic
chicken and egg sitch.

What came first?

Body or the Pilates,
Pilates or the body?

- Dear God.
- (laughs)

- You're funny.
- Uh...

You're the one telling the jokes.

- Right. I'm funny, too.
- (laughs)

We have a lot in common.

I can't handle this anymore.
I'm gonna explode his ass.

Wait, no, no, no.
Wait, you can't do that.

- Why not?
- Well, don't you get it?

He's starting to climb the mountain.

The higher he gets,
the harder he will fall.

Don't you want him to fall hard?

- Yes. Yes, I want that.
- Okay.

- Yeah.
- All right, fine.

- We'll let him dig himself a little deeper.
- Yeah.

- (doorbell rings)
- You know what?

I'm gonna get that because
I'm the man of the house,

but it's been really
cool talking to you.

Yeah.

Hey, is Sabrina home?

Who are you?

I'm Marcus.

Uh...

I think I'm almost there.

Can you see this?

Yeah, is that your fingers?

MICKEY: You're damn right it is.

I'm coming in!

(grunts)

Oh, wow.

A lot hotter up here.

(grunts)

(straining)

Okay.

All right, I'm stuck.

I'm gonna need some help.

How?

Wrap your arms around
my neck like a football,

and yank as hard as you can, okay?

You got this.

Three, two, one.

(both grunting)

All right! Stop!

Oh. All right.

(screaming)

(panting)

Okay, this is as far as I can go.

I'm gonna need you to take
it into the end zone. Okay.

No, no, no! Get... don't...

But don't touch me anymore, okay?

Okay. We're not doing football any...
that's my fault.

We're not doing football.

We're switching sports.

- We're on to fishing.
- How do we do that?

Well, for starters,
we're gonna need a fishing rod.

So I want you to close your eyes
and help me take off my bra.

(snores)

Oh, hey.

You're up.

(grunts) Who the hell are you?

I'm Gary.

You, uh, passed out
on the road back there.

What are you talk...

Whoa, are you tickling me, man?

Oh, no. That's the seat.

You've got the massage function on.

- Massage function?
- Now, don't worry.

We'll be at the hospital pretty soon,

- and they'll fix you right up.
- Oh, no.

I'm not going to any hospital,
all right?

I got a car situation.

I need, like, a-a slim jim or something.

Oh. I'm sorry, I don't have one.

Uh, but I'm sure we can find one.

Computer,
what's the nearest auto body shop?

COMPUTER:
Displaying matches for "auto body shop."

This car just kind of does
everything for you, huh?

Pretty cool, right?

Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty cool.

Till it gets sick of you
barking commands at it

and slams your ass into a wall.

Ha! Right.

I guess I'll take my chances.

L-Look, look, man,
I'm kind of in a rush, all right?

So I don't know if this
spacecraft has another gear,

- but if you could punch it...
- Well...

Sure thing.

(car whirring)

Oh...

Whoa.

- Who the hell is this guy?
- Oh.

He's a prost*tute I found online.

Pretty good, right?

No, not good.
He looks nothing like my Marcus.

- Well, oh, he doesn't seem to mind.
- Yeah.

That's the problem, okay?

I-I can't compete with that.

Oh, Chip.

You need to see the bigger picture.

If Marcus is here and you are here,
then you can't be Marcus.

I did you a favor. Now,

you got a chance to get the
girl and get away clean.

- CHIP: Okay. Let's do this.
- Mm-hmm.

The ultimate showdown:
creator versus creation.

Mind versus body.

Superior intellect versus
hulking physical strength.

Yes. Yes to all of those things.

Now, go get Holly.

Go, go.

(sighs)

So, what's up, guys?

- (groans)
- Hmm?

I can't believe that
little troll hired somebody

- to play Marcus.
- Yeah.

As if no one would notice a
completely different black guy.

(laughs)

Oh, yeah, Chip is very r*cist, yeah.

- (exhales)
- You know,

- you need to turn up the heat.
- How?

Every time I get him against the ropes,
he finds a way

to wiggle his stupid little body out.

Well, by, uh...

Ooh. By pushing fake Marcus
and Holly closer together.

- Damn. I like that.
- Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.
- You're pretty good at this, Alba.

Mm, well, I try.

Marcus, was it?
You said you're a tattoo artist?

Yeah, well, you know,
I'm an artist first and foremost,

- but I do like tattoos.
- (laughs)

Yeah.

This one, I, uh,
I got it when my grandma d*ed.

(gasps) Oh.

- Yeah.
- SABRINA: Holly.

Uh... I'm sorr... weren't you saying
that you wanted a tattoo?

Oh, I don't know. I really want one,
I just wouldn't know where to put it.

Oh, well, I'm sure
Marcus could show you where

- to put it. I mean...
- Oh, yeah. Most definitely.

Why don't you two just go up
to my room and, you know,

do a little free consultation
or whatever?

Yeah. No.

Or we could, you know, keep down here.

Keep rapping on the current events.

Yeah, no, I'm straight.

Let's roll, Holly.

Holly, wait.

That's not the real Marcus.

I'm the real Marcus.

- What?
- Marcus Lella of Ink Well Boston.

I built an online persona
to get closer to you.

What are you talking about?

It wasn't Marcus who commented

on your bikini pics,
saying "Get it, girl."

Marcus didn't DM you, uh,

well wishes after you had
your wisdom teeth pulled out.

I did. Now, listen, I know I'm not

nearly as big and black as he is,
but I promise you,

if you just give me a chance,
I promise I can make you happy.

You're Marcus?

(laughs)

It's hilarious, right?

I've been trying to smoke this
little perv out for weeks.

Finally got him.

Wait. You knew about this?

And you were just gonna
let me hook up with...

Trey.

- Yeah, my real name's Trey.
- (exhales)

Oh, my God.

Both of you, stay the hell away from me.

- MICKEY: Did you get it?
- No.

Should I try pulling you in again?

No, nope. That ship has sailed.

I had to take my bottoms
off to b*at the heat.

Look, it's all you, now, okay?

So take a deep breath and focus.

(grunts)

Oh, no...

- Oh! I got something.
- You did?

Reel it in.

(grunts) I can't, it's stuck.

Pull harder, Ben.

(grunts)

What's happening? Are we moving?

- Yep.
- Oh, God, no, that's not good.

All right, okay, don't panic.

Just cross your fingers and
hope we slam into something.

- BEN: Whee! We're flying!
- Yeah, what's going on behind us, buddy?

Can you give me the play-by-play?

Uh, there's a big open field,
and stuff's going by real fast.

Uh, how fast?
'Cause it feels pretty fast.

- Um, really fast.
- Are we headed towards anything?

- There's some grass.
- Oh, that's... grass is good.

- Gra... I love grass.
- And some flowers.

Flowers are beautiful. No problem.

- And a big old pond.
- No, no, no. No ponds.

(both grunt)

(sighs, laughs)

- Oh, my God, we're alive!
- We're alive!

We're okay! Are you all right?

I'm great, that was fun.

Yeah, yeah. Super fun.

Oh, wow, though...

water's really filling up back here.

It feels...
it feels really good, actually.

(shouts) Something touched my leg.

Now, get off me!

Look, the phone!

The phone!

I did it!

I saved us again.

- Should I call ?
- Yes!

Get it.

(panting)

- Okay.
- (line ringing)

OPERATOR: . What's your emergency?

Send help. I-I'm mostly nude
in the back of a cop car

about to drown with a young boy.

Well, I have to hand it to you,
you didn't go down easy.

Where the hell did you find that guy?

I didn't. Alba did.

SABRINA: What?

Alba, you told me that Chip hired him.

- Yeah, you, uh...
- CHIP: Hold on.

Why are you even speaking to her?

You were supposed to be working for me.

I was. I-I mean, I am.

- Uh, I just, uh...
- SABRINA: Alba.

What is going on?
Why did you do all of this?

Uh, well, it was hot, I was bored.

I like drama. Hmm.

Mickey?

SABRINA: Whoa.

How was the real world?

It was, um, it was great.

Thanks for asking.

Are you wearing a grocery bag?

Mickey lost her pants in the pond.

Okay. Let's not gossip.

(chuckles)

ALBA: Huh.

JIMMY: Come on. No way.

You get Pearl Jam / on this thing?

It's just satellite radio, man.

You can get that in any car.

Yeah, not my car.

Hey, can you get p*rn on this screen?

I don't know.

Hey, computer, play p*rn.

COMPUTER: I'm sorry,
I didn't catch that.

p*rn. Whatever you got.

Amateur, point of view, Asian...

No, no, could you not...?

I've got kids, so...

All right, well, that's fine,
I got kids, too.

It doesn't mean we can't
watch a little p*rn together.

- Relax.
- Y-You know, I think

it's pretty close to where you said.

Does this look right to you?

Oh, yeah, yeah. This is good.

- This is really good.
- Oh, okay.

I should get out here, too,
because I don't want her

to see me in a car like
this with a guy like you.

Yeah, but I'll tell you what:

thanks for the ride, Morpheus.

- Oh.
- Good luck in the future...

(owl hooting)

Mickey?!

Ben?!

Anybody?!

(owl hooting)

This could be it.

MICKEY: I save lives!