04x02 - Ron and Tammys

[bunniefuu]

Okay, guys. The Battle
Royale is coming up.

Every department in one room,
arguing for more money.

Budgetary Thunderdome.

So, uh, make lists of why
other departments suck,

and I'm going to go
get the secret w*apon.

Our secret w*apon in
this budgetary battle?

Ron.

Every time another department
asks for more money,

he just stares them down until they
back off and, or, wet themselves.

Hey! Who's ready to get...

What are you doing?

Tammy One showed up.

I'm being audited
by the IRS.

No. Your worst nightmare.

You know what? Screw this.

First of all,
income tax is illegal.

Second, Tammy is
a psychological mastermind.

This is just another way for her
to put her hand up my keister

and control me like a puppet.

I'd rather be locked up.

Ron, this is a federal tax audit.
You could go to jail.

Jail, Ron. Ron, jail.
Jail, Ron. Jail.

You could go to jail
Jail. Jail. Jail.

- Are you broken?
- Andy! April!

What's up, boss? Stop
yelling and being annoying.

Grab your calculators,
settle in.

Operation Rescue Ron
is starting.

Don't worry. I will think of a
better name for it by tomorrow.

Here you go.
Calculator.

Hey! Ben!
Hey, man.

Hey, thanks for
texting me to hang out.

I really felt like we'd developed
a cool friendship, and it...

Anyway, it was just nice
to have that validated.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.

Look. We've got some documents
over at Entertainment 720

that seem really complicated.

And I thought maybe you could
take a look at them,

because nerd stuff
probably really excites you.

Because you're a nerd.

No, of course. Yeah, no. I'll
just put on my Star Wars pajamas

and sit in my mom's basement and
pore over some spreadsheets.

That sounds great.
Yeah. What have you got?

Something called
"break even analysis tables"?

Oh, break evens? Those are really fun.
Yeah, sure, I'll take a look.

Let's hit it.
What do you...

Right now? I have work.

And I thought I had a friend.

All right.

It's almost too easy.

I can hear you.

I know you can, Ben.
That's how easy it is.

So, we need to find proof
of every tax deduction

I've taken
in the last five years.

Ron, most of these
aren't even receipts.

This one says,
"I bought supplies 2007."

You won't find
any bank statements, either.

I've heavily invested in gold,

which I've buried in several
different locations around Pawnee.

Or have I?

What's this?
Some kind of lame drug deal?

That is
a gentleman's agreement.

I made that man
a dining room table

in exchange for 60 feet of
copper pipe and a half pig.

Well, looks like we have
some actual receipts here.

Same amount every month.
140 bucks. What's this?

Every 30 days, I buy shotgun
shells and cigarettes,

and send them home to my mom.

That's so sweet.
Your mom sounds kickass.

My first ex-wife's name
is Tammy.

My second ex-wife's name
is Tammy.

My mom's name is Tamara.

She goes by Tammy.

You can prevent
adult-onset diabetes

by getting an annual check-up,

exercising, praying...

Okay.

Who is that guy?

That is Walt Morphling. He was
the Director of Public Health,

but he had to retire at 46
because he had diabetes.

That is sad, but also,
in this town, understandable.

I would like
to sh**t a new PSA.

And I think it would be good to get
someone who's healthy and telegenic,

and I thought that
you would be perfect.

Ann Perkins. I am flattered. And I will do it.
ls there a script, yet?

Uh, no, because you just approved
the idea, like, three seconds ago.

I would like you to write me a
script and get it to me in an hour.

And we should start
thinking about wardrobe.

Casual? Formal?
Semi-formal? Sporty?

Scary? Posh? Baby?
Those are the Spice Girls.

I just got caught up in my own thoughts.
I'm very excited about this.

In terms of shirts,
I can wear white...

Welcome to paradise, my man.

We can chill
over there by the bar.

We've also got basketball,
at any time you want,

with Roy Hibbert
and Detlef Schrempf.

Oh, my God.
That's an actual NBA player.

He plays for the Pacers.

NBA's on strike,

so we got him for only, like,
75% of his original NBA salary.

What up, Roy?

This is all you want me to do?
Play one-on-one with Detlef?

Yes. And keep your mouth shut.

Jean-Ralphio.
Take me there.

Oh!

Boom!

Who are you?

Uh... This is Ben. He's here
to help us with the paperwork.

Ben. Is that your real name?
Yes.

Oh, you could do
better than that.

I'm going to help you out right now.
Your name is Angelo.

Angelo, thank you so much for
coming out Get a thicker tie.

It looks weird on you. Makes
your head look like a fish.

Secondly, I don't know
where the paperwork is,

but when you find it, can
you take care of it for us?

We don't have any pens 'cause we're
afraid it's gonna leak on our shirts.

Lastly, I hate
the name Angelo.

I'm gonna switch
it up for you right now.

Your new nickname is

Jell-O sh*t. What do you
think about that, "J-sh*t"?

Do we have questions?
Yeah.

Where are we?

All right, Ben. If you need
anything, one of these models

that we pay to hang around
here will grab it for you.

In the meantime, we're going
to be playing video games

and tweeting our high scores.

Hit it!
Um...

Hi. Are you the receptionist?

I guess. I don't really know.

If you don't mind me asking,
how much are they paying you?

A hundred thousand dollars
a year with full medical.

I mean, I would guess they'll be
bankrupt by the end of this sentence.

No, thank you.

Is this true? You only spent $40
on clothes in the past five years?

Sounds about right.

How did you meet Tammy One?

Technically, I've known
her since I was born.

She was a candy striper
at the hospital.

She helped deliver me.

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.

I grew up in
a very small town.

Six hundred people.
Everybody knew everybody else.

We first took up
together when I was 15.

Awesome.
Oh, my God.

It was a little scandalous,

but everyone feared her, so
they kept their mouths shut.

I don't even know her,
but she's my hero.

Oh, she's no hero, April.

She's a hellacious nightmare.

She did, however,
teach me everything I know.

Sunday school, sex.

She was my math teacher in
middle school and my babysitter,

and she taught drivers ed.

I---

Hello. I don't believe
we've met.

I am Leslie Knope, Deputy...

I don't think it will be necessary for
you to speak again while I'm here.

Why do I only
date brunettes?

You know, sometimes, you eat chicken
and you get food poisoning,

and then even the sight
of chicken makes you sick?

Tammy One is
my blonde chicken.

Good God, Ronald.

This is a much bigger mess
than I imagined.

You'll take
a week off from work.

We'll do a complete overhaul
of your finances.

I'll need access
to all of your accounts.

And your home.

Is that necessary?

Oh, are we playing a game

where everyone says
something stupid?

You. What is your name?

Tim. Tim Buckanowski.

Really?

No. Andy Dwyer.

Andy, you're going
to collect all of this

and you're going
to put it in my car.

Miss Knope.
Yes.

You're going to go to
payroll and get copies

of Ronald's workplace
expense reports.

I'm just wondering
how long that's going to take,

because Ron and I have a very
important meeting together.

It's called the Battle Royale.
It's super fun. Where all...

Oh. You and Ron have
a big meeting, huh?

I'm sure Ron will remember
the meeting fondly

while he makes toilet wine in a
federal prison in Terre Haute.

I'll head down to payroll.

Now. You're not
getting any younger.

Yes, ma'am.

She's the cold,

distant mother I never had.

I love her.

Good morning, everyone.

Good morning, sir.
How can I help you?

Ron. Your mustache fell off.

Leslie, you goofball.

Tammy pointed out that my face looked
better without any hair on it.

And it did collect a lot of food
crumbs, which is very unsanitary.

What?

Hey, Jer. Hump day, am I right, buddy?

What?

What is going on?
Where's Tammy One?

She moved in with me.
She's really helping me out.

Yesterday, she converted
my bank account

into a joint
bank account with her.

Oh. That's great.
And how is that going to help?

Not sure. When she explains
it, it makes total sense.

It is so nice
having her around.

Here's something neat.

Tammy's got me
taking baby aspirin

to lower my risk
of heart disease.

Science is a miracle. Any-hoo,
back to the old grindstone.

These emails aren't going to
send themselves.

Diabetes can't be cured,
but it can be prevented.

Make a choice, make a change, and
together, we can make a difference.

What do you think?
Any notes?

Great. Just as good, if not exactly
the same, as the last one.

In that last one,
I left a nanosecond of a pause

between the words
"together" and "we".

It felt much better, but I'd
love to try another one.

I really think we've got it.

Ann, this is important to me
'cause it's important to you.

I mean, you spent a lot of time
and energy on writing this.

Not really.

So, it needs to be perfect.

So, let's do one more, then
five more, then 20 in a row.

Hey! Look who it is!

Hey, hey!

Tom. Jean-Ralphio.

Professional
basketball players.

'Sup, Jell-O sh*t?

Can I ask you guys a question? How
exactly are you making money?

Do you want to know
how we make money?

Do you want to know
how we make money?

By literally printing
our own money.

We bought a printing press.

This prints bills with our faces
and the E 720 logo on them.

We promote the company
by going to clubs

and tossing the bills
in the air and screaming...

Free money!
Free money!

Okay. You can't just
print your own money.

Uh...
This has to stop,

right now.

Aw!

What's the deal, baby?

One second,
you hit the party switch

and the next second,
you're all business.

I need to see
all of your books.

You got it, baby.
Baby! Get him the books.

Oh, Snapple. Are we calling
everybody "baby" now?

Because honestly, I love that.

Are we saying "Snapple" anytime
we think something's dope?

'Cause I love that, baby.

Do you know what I love?

Jell-O sh*t!

Jell-O sh*t! Jell-O sh*t!
Jell-O sh*t! Jell-O sh*t!

Thank you. We're here
to serve you, friend.

I hope the rest of
your day is cool beans.

Ron. What is this
memo you sent to me?

You're not going to
the Battle Royale?

I have decided not
to attend this year.

Okay. First of all, it's disturbing
that you wrote a memo at all.

But you love arguing
against government spending.

Why do you not
want to do it now?

Leslie, please. The government
knows what it's doing.

I am confident that I...

Ouchie.
You and I are going to lunch.

We have to talk.

Let me just call Tammy first
and get permission.

Oh, come on.

Tammy, I was wondering if I
could go to lunch with Leslie?

Terrific. Bye.

She says I can't go.

You're going to lunch with me.
I say you can go.

Oh, gosh.

I'm really in a pickle now.

Oh, my God.

When Ron falls for Tammy Two he
turns into a demonic sex maniac.

But this? Neutered wimp?
This is worse.

Operation Golden Dove
is in trouble.

Ron, there are some things
I want to speak to you about,

but I'm not quite sure
how to phrase them.

Just blurt them
right out, Leslie.

Anything you say will
stay between you and me.

Right, my love?

Stop fidgeting.
Sorry.

I was hoping to speak
with Ron alone.

He wants me here.
He invited me.

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

Don't worry, Leslie.
Tammy's totally cool.

Oh. Okay. Then,
I'll say it to her.

You're evil
and you need to go.

Leslie, you are a panic.

Tammy, may l
use the restroom?

Remember to wash your hands.

Okay. You know what?
Let's cut the crap.

Is this audit even real?

In a sense, yes.

But in another, truer sense,
no, it is not.

I want Ronald back.

But I had to learn
about his finances

to make sure my future
was protected.

I'm impressed. He's acquired
quite a bit of gold.

You gold digger.

You are literally
a gold digger.

The thing I love about Tammy
is she calls me on my crap.

Every guy needs that.

Okay. If you want
this company to survive,

you immediately
need to downsize.

I mean, you don't need
this airplane hangar.

Um, I think we do.
And two,

you have to keep
detailed financial records.

Thank you. I've been
trying to tell them that.

Waste of time.

They wouldn't know
a Non-Employee

Tax-Reportable
Expenditure Request

if it bit them in the ass.

Hey, guys. Which two people
here started their own company?

'Cause I'm pretty sure
it wasn't you two bozos.

Hey.

Look, you guys can swagger
around all you want,

but businesses
need revenue. Okay?

Unless you start working
on an actual plan,

you're dead in a month.
That's a fact.

Ben, thanks for your time.

But with all due respect, as
far as business decisions go,

I think we know
what we're doing.

Don't forget to grab
a free iPad on your way out.

He didn't even grab one.

Diabetes! Fight it!

Not quite, but I like the energy.
Are we still rolling?

Yep.

Diabetes!
Okay.

Let's... Can we take a break?

I think that's a great idea.
I think we almost have it,

and I am very excited
at that prospect.

I'll cancel my 4:00 and my
5:00 and my 6:00 appointments.

I cannot believe I dated him.
For a long time.

And he broke up with me.

Fat equals splat.
As in, "you're dead."

ls there something there?

No, that sucked.
But there's something there.

I'm feeling it.
Let's go right away.

It's magic time.
From the top, everybody.

There's no one else here.

Basically, we're being
att*cked by Godzilla.

And to b*at Godzilla,
we need Mothra.

No offense.
None taken.

I'm very flattered.

Who's this? Who's this
tall drink of water?

Andy.
Hey, Andy.

- How's it hanging?
- Listen.

We need to break
Ron from her spell.

Can't you just
move your butt around

or wear a dress
made out of meat?

Well, I could do all of those things
and have, but that bitch is crazy.

When Ron left her
and we got together,

she threw acid on my foot.

Ew!
Could we take a peek at it?

Listen. Tammy One was
my Sunday school teacher, too.

She can pinpoint
your weaknesses,

and then destroy you
with just one word.

And ajar of acid.

Oh, my God.

I think I have an idea
that could save Ron.

Don't joke around
Andy.

I have ideas, too.

You were right to come get me.

My son, Ronny, always had a
weakness for those ladies.

Oh, wow. Is this Ron?

Yep. At the age of five.

He's standing next to
the first chair he ever built.

Oh, my God!

There's a room
full of just g*ns.

Why do you have so many g*ns?

This is America, isn't it?

Yes.

Then, I don't have
to answer stupid questions

while standing
on my own property.

Let's go.

Okay, well, that's
definitely Ron's mom.

Tammy.

Tammy.
Ronnie.

What's going on?

Welcome to the Battle Royale.

Right here. Right now.

Operation Soaring Falcon
is in its final stages.

It's time to settle this.

Ah!

An old-fashioned
prairie drink-off.

Oh, what's in that jug?
It smells like jet fuel.

That's Swanson Family
Mash Liquor.

Made from the finest corn
ever grown on American soil.

Its only legal use is to strip
varnish off of speedboats.

If you win, he's all yours.

And if I win, I bring him
back to the farm for good.

Wait. What?
That wasn't the deal.

Pour it. I'm thirsty.

Pour me one, too, then.
Let me in here.

I'm going to join you. And if I
win, Ron stays here with us.

Leslie, no
Don't drink that.

We use it to burn
warts off of the mules.

Poison!

Ugh!

I made a mistake.

I made a mistake.

Diabetes.

How were we together
for five months?

Well, you know, it's possible
you could just date a guy

because of where you are
in your life emotionally.

I mean, I suppose
you're right, John.

Ann Perkins.

I hate to say this, but I
have a stain on my shirt.

Which means that everything
we've sh*t so far is unusable.

But let's use this as an
opportunity to revisit the script.

Delivery guy.
Hey.

Diabetes!

Had enough?

Of this watered-down
baby formula?

Not even close.

Not even close.

Marvin clonse.

Glenn Close.

Leslie, you don't
have to do this.

Shh! Go to bed, Jimmy.

Blech!

I can't feel my face.
My face is numb.

What is that?

And together, we can
make a difference.

That's it.
I think we've got it.

Do you think we got it?
Yes.

Yeah. We have it.
We had it seven hours ago.

Oh, Ann, I know that
I can be intense,

but I'm only trying to be
the best me that I can be.

I want to thank you
for this opportunity.

And your patience.

And your intelligence and...

Your insight.

You really are
an amazing human being.

Thank you.

Oh, right.
That's why I dated him.

Hey.

I wanted to apologize.

Uh, we brought in five
accountants to look at E 720,

and they all said
the same thing you did.

If we don't start
making changes,

we're going to
lose the company.

Okay. Well, first thing
you need to do?

Get rid of four of
those accountants.

You don't need
five accountants.

Again, good advice.

Here.

Okay. You really... You need to
stop giving these away like candy.

I bought that one personally.
As a thank-you.

It's an iPad.

Everybody prance, now

Prance, prance, prance,
prance, prance

She's had enough.
Call it off.

That's not how it works.
She's out.

Wait. I'm subbing in.

April, no. That stuff will melt
the shell off a garden snail.

Whatever. I'm Puerto Rican.
I can handle it.

Oh, my God.

Okay. This ends now.

Ah.

Mom?

You're going back to the farm.
And you? Hmm?

You're going back to hell.

Fine. I got what
I came for, anyway.

I found your underground safe.
I stole half your gold.

That's decoy gold.

You think I'd leave my gold in a
locked safe buried underground,

where anyone could find it?

You don't know me at all.

Yes, I do. I knew you
the minute you were born.

I intend to be there
the minute you die.

Ron, your family is weird.

Literally,
there's someone reading a magazine

and someone
applying nail polish.

What's... What is she doing?

She's just playing
with an iPad.

Tom told me
that chair was $27,000.

That chair, that has a roof.

There's someone over there
in a deep sleep.

She's probably being paid
upwards of $100,000 a year.

There's this video of a boat.

Look at that thing.
What is that?

What are you supposed to do
with that thing?