04x03 - Born & Raised

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Parks and Recreation". Series aired April 9, 2009 to February 24, 2015.*
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Public officials in an Indiana town pursue a series of projects to make their city a better town.
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04x03 - Born & Raised

Post by bunniefuu »

Support for
Pawnee Community Radio

comes from the Wendell G. and
Muriel Fathwright Korbleman Foundation,

and Sweetums Cares,

a nonprofit group that puts
umbrella hats on homeless people

when it rains.

Welcome to
Thoughts for your thoughts

I'm Derry Murbles
filling in for David Parker,

who took off for eight months to
study the migration patterns

of our nation's squirrels.

We have not
seen him since.

My guest today is author
Leslie Knope.

The book:

Pawnee:
The greatest town in America.

I wrote a book.

The first historical guide
to Pawnee.

I wrote it as a reference
for myself,

but then,
my campaign advisor said

we should make it
a big, wide release.

So we had people contribute,

we added pictures,

and we removed
a lot of my poems

and emotional ramblings
and pictures of unicorns,

and here it is!

Leslie, could one say that

a book is nothing more
than a painting of words,

which are the notes
on the tapestry

of the greatest film
ever sculpted?

One could say that.

But should one?

Join us next week
when David Bianculli

will be filling in
for Richard Chang-Jefferson,

who will be filling in
for me.

Leslie, would you like to
take us out?

Okay.

"Please enjoy a song

"from the lesbian
Afro-Norwegian Funk duo,

Nefertiti's Fjord."

[Eccentric pop music]

♪ ♪

Oh, wow.
They are terrible.

Oh, yes.
Th-they're quite awful.

♪ ♪

Usually,
I only read nautical novels

and my own personal manifestos,

but I'm proud to make
this exception.

Thank you, Ron.

I expect all of you
to buy additional copies.

But I wanted the first one
that you owned

to be delivered and signed
by me.

God, this goes on for,
like, seven pages!

I started thinking about you
as a woman,

and as a person,
and I got carried away.

Okay, mine just says,
"Get well soon."

Aren't you sick?

No.

Something's off.

Leslie, I loved your book.

- I read it cover to cover.
- Wow.

I just gave it to you
an hour ago.

I'm a speed reader.

I can read
over 3,000 words a minute

with total comprehension.

One time, I read all
of Siddhartha at a traffic stop.

[Scatting]

Pawnee's most notorious
businessman in the building.

I brought some
Entertainment 720 pillowcases

for your pillow.

"Never stop dreaming."
Tom Haverford.

"I never do."
Chris Traeger.

Respect.
Game recognize game.

Tom, I have Pawnee Today
in an hour.

Was my book selected
for Joan's cook club?

Joan Callamezzo
has a book club?

Joan Callamezzo started

a book club four years ago.

And now she is the literary
tastemaker in the town.

The Time Traveler's
Optometrist,

by Pawnee's own
Penelope Foster.

A heartwarming story
about a caveman eye doctor

who travels
to present-day Cincinnati

and can see everything
but love.

Unreadable.

Then Joan slaps her sticker
on it,

best seller,
four years in a row.

You told me you could get me
that sticker.

- Did you get it?
- I'm trying, Leslie.

But Joan got
an anonymous tip

that there's a
factual inaccuracy

in your book.

[Chuckles]
That's impossible.

I checked every detail
with the historical society.

Did she say what it was?

She won't tell me.

I think she wants one
of her big "gotcha" moments.

Well, she's not gonna
getch me.

I found no inaccuracies.

Joan Callamezzo claims there
is a mistake in my book,

which there is not,

and so now,
she's tryin' to get me

on a tiny technicality.

So just in case
there is a mistake,

which there is not,

I need all of you
fact-checking

every single detail.

Jerry, I need you
to hit the road

and re-interview everyone
who lives out of town.

On it, boss.

The rest of you,
call me

as soon as you
find the mistake

that does not exist.

Do you think there's actually
a mistake in here?

I doubt it.

If there's one thing
Leslie's not,

it's sloppy.

She's also not brief.

This is gonna take forever.

It's just us,
I hope.

I wish.

Hey, guys!

Ready to do
some fact-checkin'?

[Sighs]

Here we go.
Helping Leslie.

Okey-doke.

Hi.
Joan Callamezzo.

Oh, yeah.
Hi. Ben Wyatt.

W-we've met.

I don't think so.

Yeah,
I was on your show.

Nope.
[Chuckles]

♪ I'm tryin' to find the words
to describe this girl ♪

♪ without bein' disrespectful ♪
[Laughs]

Getting the book

into Joan's book club
will really help Leslie.

But it'll also help my company,
Entertainment 720.

At the risk of bragging,

one of the things
I'm best at

is riding coattails.

Behind every successful man...

Is me, smiling
and taking partial credit.

Now, about Leslie's book.

Am I gonna be happy?

We'll see,
won't we? Ooh!

[Chuckles]

[Giggles]

Wow, you guys
are really cute together.

Ben, I'm cute together
with everybody.

Anyone find any mistakes?

Yeah, actually.

In here, it says that
Pawnee is great.

But in reality,
it's terrible.

Let Tom know
we haven't found anything.

Hey, I'm thinking
about getting a new phone.

Do you guys like your phones?

I've never used a phone
in my life.

What about you, Ron?
Do you like your phone?

[Grunts]

Here's my goal.

I'm gonna get these two people

that I've known
for a long time

to talk to me
for five minutes.

Who am I kidding?

One minute.

One minute would be amazing.

So, Leslie.

You're a real native of Pawnee,
aren't you?

Yes, I was born
and raised here, Joan.

And I love the town so much,

I literally wrote
the book on it.

I have it right here.

And also, in this hand,
right here,

I have a sticker.

Which, when applied,
legally determines

the newest selection
of Joan's book club.

- [Chuckles]
- Uh...Oh...Whoa!

Where--
over here?

Back here?
[Chuckles]

- Where is it now?
- Come on, stick it.

Ooh.
Oh, hang on--

Stick the sticker.
Stick the st--

No, no, no.
Not so fast.

We received
a tip that you,

Leslie "born and raised" Knope,

were not born in Pawnee.

What?

Gotcha!

And because you lied about it,

we cannot make this
a book club selection.

I was born in Pawnee.

I'd stake my reputation on it.

I have to tell you,

this feels like
gotcha journalism.

In what way?

That way.
You put "gotcha" on my face.

After the break:

Where was Leslie Knope
actually born?

Pawnee!

We will pull out
the world map

and speculate wildly.

♪ Joan gotcha ♪

Oh, God.
Not the gotcha dancers.

♪ betcha thought you'd ♪

♪ get away witcha ♪

♪ butcha got caught,
didn't ya? ♪

♪ Joan gotcha ♪.

Tnat was despicable!

I am horrified
at her tactics.

That said,
the show was pretty lively.

[Chuckles]

♪ Joan gotcha! ♪

Chris and Tom:
♪ don't it hurtcha? ♪

It's very catchy.

Okay, Ben, Tom,

you stay here, stay on Joan.
Get that sticker.

Chris, Andy,
we're gonna stay on schedule,

and we're gonna do
some damage control.

All right.
Everybody move!

Move, move, move!

This entire event is
under federal jurisdiction.

Unless he's in trouble,

there's only one man
for the job.

Bert Macklin, FBI.

You thought I was dead?
[Chuckles]

So did the president's
enemies.

Call if you need us.

Okay.

All right, so we don't
have to fact-check anymore.

But Leslie wants us
to be on ready-alert one

just in case
something comes up.

Now I can get
some real work done.

You know, I think I'm
just gonna hang out here

with you guys,
if that's cool.

It's not.

Great.

I could leave.
I could.

But I'm not going to.

I will get my one minute

of small talk,
damn it.

And it will be casual,

and it will be amicable!

Did Leslie leave?

We wanted her to sign
the gotcha wall.

[Laughs]
Joanie.

Come on, now.
What was that?

I thought we were
gonna get that sticker.

Sorry, Tom.

But I am,
first and foremost,

a journalist.

Let us take you to lunch.

Okay?
We'll talk about the book.

And...
Whatever else may come up.

Let me go change
into something more tantalizing.

All right?
[Giggles]

So, what?
We're taking her to lunch now?

Ben, Leslie hired my company
to get her that sticker.

You're the one that told me

"businesses" need "clients"
to get "money."

I was the first one
to tell you that?

Don't worry.
This is in the bag.

Joan's a married woman.

She wants what she can't have.

It's a game
of cat and mouse.

Thank you all for coming.

Our journey begins on page one,
the preface.

[Clears throat]

Oh, boy.
Yes?

I think I speak on behalf
of everyone

in the entire world
when I say...

We need to know the truth
about where you were born.

- Okay. Well--
- Leslie?

Let me handle this.

Does it really matter?

I mean,
how many of you

were actually born
in Pawnee?

Sure enough.

No matter what you heard,
ma'am,

the truth is,
I was born here.

If you were so born here,

then where's
your birth certificate?

Well, I don't carry
my birth certificate around

- with me--
- Why?

Because you're hiding something?

You should go back
where you came from.

I am back from
where I came from!

That sentence was confusing!

You might as well be from China!
Tell us!

- That's ridiculous!
- Is it?

I'm from here!

This crowd getting
very hostile, Ms. Knope.

I'm gonna get you
outta here.

- Oh, my God.
- Back off!

Okay, okay.
[lndistinct yelling]

Thank you.
Go, go, go!

When I was 18,

Val Kilmer saw me
at a mall

and told me
I should model.

- [Gasps]
- [Chuckles]

That never happened.

So, Joan, how is
married life treating you?

Your husband still know he's
the luckiest man in the world?

Santino and I are divorcing.

Oh.

It's actually
quite liberating.

I'm a woman
with a strong sexual appetite.

I'm like a caged peacock,

yearning for the wind
on her haunches.

That's a powerful metaphor.

Maybe we can get
that book club sticker in order,

and we can work on
unlockin' that peacock cage.

Things have changed,
Tom.

Don't make any promises
you can't keep.

I'll have another drink,

and so will this adorable hunk
of caramel to my right.

Drink up,
Tom.

I'm gonna go powder
my nose...

Amongst other things.
[Chuckles]

If you know what I mean.
[Giggles]

Crap.

Is she gonna powder
her vag*na?

- You gotta help me, man.
- Why?

Seems to be going
the usual amount of gross.

No, this is way different.

She's not married anymore.

She had, like,
five bottles of alcohol,

she's callin' me
"caramel."

You've gotta throw some
cold water on this situation.

Start talkin' about nerd stuff.

You know,
nerd culture is mainstream now.

So when you use the word

"nerd" derogatorily,

means you'the one
that's out of the zeitgeist.

Yes, that's perfect.
Just like that.

Be incredibly boring.

Well, I've made
a little progress.

I'm up to four seconds
with April.

Hey, April.

I was looking to get
some new music,

and I was wondering
if you could recommend anything.

The Internet.

I really like your haircut.

- W-w-where'd you get it?
- Prison.

How's your sister doin'?

She has the shingles.

Who's your favorite character
on Sex and the City?

Alf.

And...
Nine seconds with Ron.

You're stranded
on a desert island.

What is the one thing
that you bring with you?

Silence.

[Flute notes]

We did a flash poll.

68% of Pawneeans
now believe you're lying

about where you were born.

Honesty is important to voters.

13% think I'm crazy-eyed?

What?
Why?

Whatever,
I can end this now.

Here's my birth certificate.

Mm-hmm.

Well, this just says
"Wamapoke County."

Yeah.
That's the county Pawnee is in.

Well, no.
This won't do it.

See, you staked
your reputation on this.

So you need to go down

to the county records office
in Eagleton

and get the original,
long-form certificate.

Oh, God.
Don't make me go to Eagleton.

Eagleton is the land
of rich, snobby jerks.

There's a whole chapter
about it in my book.

I could write a second book
about Eagleton

and how stupid it is.

And I'd call Eagleton:
The land of rich, snobby jerks.

Hello... and welcome to the
Wamapoke County Records Office,

here in beautiful Eagleton.

My name is Alexis Pratchett.

Take it down a notch,
Alexis.

I need a copy
of my birth certificate.

Ooh, I'm sorry.

It takes three to eight weeks
to receive a birth certificate.

Really?

Hi,
I'm Chris.

I was wondering if you might
make an exception for me?

Oh, I'm sorry.
No.

Wow.
That usually works.

Oh, God.
I hate this stupid town

with all its stupid,
terrible people.

I need that birth certificate.

Leslie, wait here.

Bert Macklin is on the case.

- Andy--
- No.

Don't worry.
I can do this.

Believe in me!

[Yells]

That's broken.

Hold on.


Leslie.
Real quick.

Uh, spell your last name for me.

♪ Let's hear it for the boys ♪
Whoo!

Wow. That was as long
as it was loud.

[Sighs]

Take me home,
dumpling.

It's beddy time.

Ah.
Hey, Ben.

You like Star Trek.

Talk about that
for a little bit.

They're making a sequel...

I'm assuming with
the same alternate timeline.

But if J.J. Abrams and company

expect us to believe
that it's Spock

with the romantic tension
with Uhura and not Kirk...

Well, let's just say, the
message boards are goin' nuts.

I wanna take you both home
and [Bleep] bend you over

and just [bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep].

at the same time.
Whoo!

I'm leaving.

Wait, wait, wait.

We gotta get her home.

Tom, I know
your business is failing,

but this just isn't worth it.

It's not about
the business anymore, man.

Sh-she's a disaster.

We gotta make sure
she gets home safe.

[Grunting]

Whoa, whoa.

Whoa.

What the hell?

Okay, let's get her
on the bed.

- Okay. One.
- Oh, my God.

[Together] Two.

[Together] Three.

[Grunts]

Let's go, bro.

Say what you will about Joan,

but she knows how to
decorate a bedroom.

- Oh, my God.
- Wow.

Where the hell am I?

I just wanna see how soft
these sheets are. One second.

[Whispering] Tom, no.
Come on. Let's go.

[Joan yells]
Ah!

Joan, we left you some water
and aspirin by the bed!

Bye!

Got it!

Got it!

Nice!

I also got
this dude's briefcase.

It was just layin' there.

Kind of a panic move.

I believed in you,
buddy.

But you should put that back.

Okay.

Okay, so.
Leslie Barbara Knope,

born January 18th,

to Robert and Marlene Knope,

in Eagleton, Indiana.

I'm from Eagleton!

Is it true mom?

Was I born in Eagleton?

Yes, it's true.

No!

Pawnee hospital was overrun
with raccoons at the time.

So we had to go to
the next closest hospital.

[Groans]

I'm sorry.

Did you expect me
to give birth to you

in an infested,
disease-filled room?

Mom, why didn't you tell me?

You try telling
that little girl

she's not from Pawnee.

I certainly couldn't.

So you were technically born
in Eagleton.

Who cares?

I care.

The people of Pawnee care.

I wrote on the cover
of my book

that I was born in Pawnee.

I went on Pawnee today,

and I called Joan a liar!

I'm the liar.

I'm worse than a liar.

I'm an...

[Choking]

Eagletonian.

Morning.

Is Leslie here?

Aw, man.
I am so tired.

I took a half-shift
at the hospital last night.

And I had
this really weird patient.

Weird how?

I probably shouldn't talk
about it.

It's one of the grossest things
I've ever seen.

Talk.

Well, this guy came in.

He got his hand stuck
in a Pringles can,

and he tried to cut himself out.

- Was there a lot of blood?
- What kind of blade did he use?

Uh, three-and-a-half-inch?

Serrated?
Buckets of blood.

He passed out over his arm,

and slumped onto the floor.

Did the bone show?

Very good question, April.

Answer her.

Yeah.

The bone showed.

Everyone in the universe loves
a gross medical story.

Boom!

I win!

And so when I
finally cleaned up the vomit,

I found the toe.

I forgot about the toe!

So did we!
Crazy, right?

- [Chuckles]
- That story's awesome!

Indeed.
Thank you for sharing, Jenny.

Ann was getting
a little chummy.

When people get too chummy
with me,

I like to call them by
the wrong name to let them know

I don't really care about them.

That's a genius move.

Thank you.

You're welcome,
Lester.

Oh, my God.

I wonder who else was born
in Eagleton.

Voldemort, probably.

Bad news, team.

Entertainment 720 was unable
to get the sticker

for Leslie's book.

The sticker is the least
of my problems.

If I come clean about
where I'm from,

then my political career
is over.

You don't have to tell them
a damn thing.

The only thing the voters need
to know about you

is your name.

And even that,
I go back and forth on.

I'm sorry,
but I disagree.

Leslie, where you were born
is a piece of trivia.

Where you're from...

That's what makes you
who you are.

And you are from Pawnee.

You're more Pawnee
than anyone I know.

So I say,
tell them the truth,

and trust that they're
gonna respect you for it.

Damn it, he's right.
Well said.

Thanks, Ron.

You're welcome, Steve.

Joan.

Thanks so much for havin'
Leslie back on the program.

Well, thank you
for getting me home last night.

I wasn't, uh,
feeling very well.

Because of some bad seafood
that I ate.

Yes, that's probably
what it was.

I'd like to apologize
to those that I've misled.

I thought I was
telling the truth,

but, sadly,
I was born in Eagleton.

Wha--?
[Laughs]

Well, that is worse than I
ever could have hoped for.

I learned something, Joan.

It's not where you're born.

It's where you're from.

When I was nine years old,

I broke my arm.

Sledding on that giant hill

behind Kernston's
rubber nipple factory.

- You know, "nipple hill".
- Of course.

- It gets very slippery there.
- I know that.

- Especially when it's wet.
- Yes.

And, Jim. Jim Kabernick.
I know Jim.

Jim and I have gone
to school together

since we were, like,
three years old.

Yes, that's true.

Do you remember when you peed
your pants in second grade?

Why--why did you
bring that up? I said yes.

You stuck your underwear
in your drawer,

and you got really embarrassed,

and then the teacher came over
and pulled them out.

And everybody called you
"the gerbil" because

you always smelled like
soiled wood chips?

Leslie, for God's sake,
we're on TV.

The point is

you can't choose
where you were born.

But you can choose
where you live.

I love this town.

I always have.
I always will.

And that's why I wrote
a book about it.

And that's why I'm running
for City Council.

[Applause]

Look, I'm not crazy.

I know Pawnee isn't

Paris, or London,
or Chicago.

But it's a great place to live.

And work.

And serving the goofballs
in this town

is an honor and a privilege.

And, yes, every town claims
its diner's waffles

are the best in the world,

but somewhere,
in some town,

there really are
the best waffles in the world.

So delicious, and rich,
and golden brown

that anyone who tasted them
would decide

never to leave that town.

Somewhere,
those waffles exist.

Why can't it be here?

Joan put us
in her book club.

Although I could do
without this.

Leslie?

Here's the thing.
I've been all over the State.

Indianapolis, Bloomington,
Lafayette, Muncie, Gary...

All the places you mention
in the book.

And I interviewed

all the people you mentioned.

And so far,

there is not one incorrect fact.

So now I'm going to head
to the house, say hey to Gayle,

wish my daughter
a happy belated birthday...

It was yesterday...

And then I'm gonna head back out

and hit all the towns
in the southeast.

But is there anything
I should know?

Any new info?

No.

You're doin' great.
Godspeed.

- Doin' what I can.
- Yep!

Hey, Ron.

Gotta go, Donna.
Can't talk.

He just seemed so happy.

I didn't say anything.
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