Gentlemen.
Wildeness weekend is upon us.
There will be no video games.
There will be no Internet pads.
This weekend
you have two parents:
Me and Mother Nature.
And I...
am Mother Nature's brother:
Brother nature.
But you can call me Andy.
Or brother nature.
Your call.
- Thank you, Andy.
- Brother nature.
For the last three years
I have served as troop leader
of the Pawnee Rangers.
This is our handbook.
I wrote the whole thing myself.
Okay, it's time
to give out the badges.
Um, let's see.
Emily, you get the badge
for most community service.
To Casey,
the best penguin blog badge.
To Abigail,
flyest hairstyle.
And Ann gets the badge
for second-flyest hairstyle.
Oh!
I wasn't competing for that.
I'll say.
Five years ago,
a plucky fifth-grader wanted
to join the Pawnee Rangers,
but their executive council said
what obnoxious jerks always say.
"No. This is males-only.
Go start your own club."
She couldn't.
So I did.
We're called
the Pawnee Goddesses,
and we're freakin' awesome.
Hey, Ron, whose club
do you think is better,
yours or mine?
The answer is mine.
Say mine is better.
It's not a competition.
Oh, but it is. Your club made it
a competition, when they kept girls out.
Oh, my stars.
I'm just a little lady.
My fragile constitution cannot
handle the fearsome outdoors.
I have no problem
with strong women, Leslie.
Who's Leslie?
My name is Annabelle Vandergraf,
and, y'all,
I just fall to pieces
when the sun shines
on my hair--ed.
However, the Pawnee Rangers
were founded because some boys
want to go out into nature
and learn
traditional survival skills
without being distracted
by girls.
Well, my awesome goddesses
don't want to be distracted by losers.
Say my club is better, Ron.
Say it.
My club is better.
Say it.
Come on. Say it's better.
Say it.
Say it's better.
Say my club is better.
Say it. Give it up.
Whose club is better? Mine.
Say it. You know it.
Say it.
On principal,
I never say anything
that another person is obviously
trying to get me to say.
My first wedding ceremony
took two hours,
because after the priest said
"Repeat after me"
I fell silent.
I've been auditing
the budget, and I noticed
you're way behind
on your paperwork.
Uh, Jerry, you haven't
filled out a PC-10 form
in two and a half years.
Aw, jeez, I'm sorry.
Yeah, we kinda do
our paperwork at our own speed.
Oh, really?
Well, I kinda need you
to do it at my speed.
Fine, I'll do them.
What is wrong with you today?
Did they cancel
Game of Thrones?
Nothing is wrong,
just do your job.
And they would
never cancel Game of Thrones.
It's a crossover hit.
It's not just
for fantasy enthusiasts.
They're telling human stories
in a fantasy world.
Fill out the forms, please.
Thank you.
I used to have
one really good reason
for staying in Pawnee.
But now, I'm not sure
what's keeping me here.
Although,
I am just two sandwiches away
from a free meatball sub.
This is expired.
Rangers, as a reward
for coming on this trip,
I have gotten you each
two gifts.
Go ahead. Open 'em.
What is this?
That is a canvas sheet,
the most versatile object
known to man.
It can be used
to make tents, backpacks,
shoes, stretchers,
sails, tarpaulins,
and I suppose, in the most
dire of circumstances,
it can be a surface
on which to make
"art."
What's the second gift?
The second gift
is the box itself.
You have 10 minutes
to assemble a shelter
using only your two gifts.
Go.
Ladies!
The goddess cabin
has never looked better.
This year's
cabin refurbishment badge
is going to be hotly contested.
Okay,
so what did everybody make
for their
loosely structured craft time?
Lauren?
I made a "Gertrude Stein."
Amazing.
Lauren, that's so good!
I really wouldn't
want to follow that.
Ann?
Oh, boy. Um...
I was making
some cornhusk dolls for everyone
but they kinda turned out wrong
so they look like monsters.
I'm sorry.
I'm just gonna
put that over there.
In the fire.
Well, Ann's keeping us warm.
And that's important.
April?
♪ What was your craft? ♪.
I drew something on my arm.
It's a pioneer girl
watching her grandmother
get trampled by a buffalo.
Yeah.
This right here's all the blood
coming out her face.
DJ Bluntz is in the building,
here to announce
that Tom Haverford
is in the building.
Oh! 1-2, 1-2!
- Donatella.
- T-mobile.
Three words for you:
Treat. Yo. Self.
♪ Treat yourself 2011. ♪
Once a year, Donna and I
spend a day treating ourselves.
What do we treat ourselves to?
- Clothes.
- Treat yourself.
- Fragrances.
- Treat yourself.
- Massages.
- Treat yourself.
- Mimosas.
- Treat yourself.
- Fine leather goods.
- Treat yourself!
It's the best day of the year.
♪ The best day of the year ♪.
I got a question.
Mm-hmm?
What do you think
about inviting Ben
to come along with us today?
What? Noo!
This is our thing.
But he really seems
like he could use a day off.
He's like
a skinny little rubber band
that's about to snap in half.
Exactly.
He doesn't know how to relax.
Donna, you and I
are relaxation professionals.
There's no way Ben
can slow down enough
to keep up with us.
My Nubian princess,
this is our holy day.
It's the one day a year
I allow myself to be selfish.
Ooh, cupcakes.
Those are all for me, Jerry.
This homemade bulgogi
is so delicious, Kayla.
This is the best Korean food
I've ever had.
I would say
it's almost as good as
lukewarm beans from a can.
Right, Ron?
I'm trying to teach my boys
about rationing food,
and your self-indulgent
ethnic food court isn't helping.
Goddesses, let's go over
our schedule for this afternoon.
We have hiking,
and then capture the flag,
and then a puppet show
about the Bill of Rights
set to "Party in the USA"
by Miley Cyrus,
and then we have lasso training,
and a s'mores-off.
So what's on our schedule,
Mr. Swanson?
We have one activity planned:
Not getting k*lled.
Jerry.
Oh, everybody must be
at Rangers weekend.
You know, I actually
was a ranger for 12 years--
That's wonderful.
Maybe you should
take the day off.
You know,
rest is very important.
Did you know that lab rats
who are deprived of rest
grow tumors
all over their bodies?
You should Google it.
It's horrifying.
Uh, thank you. Yes.
You know, I'm gonna--
I'm gonna go have lunch
with my daughter!
You know, Chris, if you wanted,
you know,
you should join us for lunch.
My daughter,
she's really sweet.
I would love to, Jerry,
but I'm afraid that I am busy.
I have got to run.
Google those rat tumors!
♪ Treat yourself 2011 ♪
Oh, lord.
Is he eating soup?
On a bench? Alone?
Tom.
Fine.
Come on, rubber band.
Come with us.
What? What are you--
No arguing.
And no soup in the Benz.
- Get in.
- Wha?
What?
What is happening right now?
Great pillow fight, girls.
That was one
of our best ones yet.
Okay.
Now it's time for awards.
Lulu gets the golden pillow.
And the silver pillow
goes to Janie.
Ooh!
Yes, what is it?
Ms. Knope,
I don't like
the Rangers anymore.
I want to become
a Pawnee Goddess.
I did it!
My club is officially
the best club.
I would give myself
a merit badge that says
"Best Club Founder,"
but I don't have one,
so I'm going to give myself
"Prettiest eyes"
as a placeholder.
I secretly always
wanted this badge,
so it works out great.
You were defecting?
I like you, Mr. Swanson,
it's just...
All we do is sit in silence
and eat beans.
Those beans were a reward.
Well, see, the thing is
this club is for girls only.
Maybe you should start
your own club, for boys.
Get back to your canvas box.
We'll discuss this no further.
And I'll thank you
to keep the ruckus down
so my boys can
focus on solitude.
- I'm sorry, Darren.
- Let's go.
So, treat yourself day
is just a day
where you go to the spa
and then the mall?
I knew you wouldn't get it.
Well, I'm a relaxation novice.
Give me some guidance.
Listen to me, Ben-to box,
the point of this
is to pamper yourself.
Just relaaax, man.
I can't.
Something about
the sound of harps
that makes me nervous.
Oh, my God!
- Hi, Donna.
- Hey.
Relaxation lesson number one:
Acupuncture.
It's great for your back,
and your rear.
Needles in your face,
pleasure in your base.
- I know.
- That's my boss.
Hey, Chris.
Uh, I would like you
to meet my daughter, Millicent.
Wow.
Jerry, great job.
I'm your dad's boss.
And his much-younger friend.
Pleasure to meet you.
Isn't she beautiful?
I say she looks
like my wife, Gayle,
and Gayle agrees.
So, anyway,
we were gonna go to lunch, so--
I retroactively accept
your original offer.
Let's go!
Ladies, I just wanted
to thank you for not cheering
when I sent Darren away.
Ms. Knope,
wasn't Darren just asking
for the same equality
that you and the goddesses
wanted five years ago?
In a sense,
but it's a little bit
more complicated than--
Wasn't your answer
the very same thing
that the ranger council
said to you?
"Stick to your own kind"?
Who wants
homemade peanut brittle?
Ms. Perkins, please,
we're in the middle of a debate.
Sorry.
Come on, goddesses.
We just struck
a huge blow for equality
by proving that
we were better than them.
I disagree.
What about a public forum?
You always say that
there's no better solution
for a hot-button issue
than a good ol'-fashioned
public forum.
Great idea, Lauren.
What was that?
I said,
"great idea, Lauren."
I've taught them too well.
I've created a mob of
little Leslie Knope monsters.
I'm so proud.
And a little annoyed.
But mostly proud.
70/30.
- Just relax and don't move.
- Okay. Ah...
This is the most
stressed-out I've ever been
in my life.
Ben, listen.
I'm gonna talk to you
about things you like
to take your mind
off the needles, okay?
Accounting.
Trigonometry.
Stamps, probably.
More of a rare coins guy.
Help me. Help me!
There is nothing that I like
more than running for charity.
You know, last summer
I did a 50-mile bike ride
- for the red cross.
- Yes, she did.
Millicent Gergich,
biking for charity is literally
one of my interests on Facebook.
I can't believe
how alike we are.
I know, it's like
we're literally the same person.
We are having a moment.
Attention, everyone.
Welcome to wonder weekend's
first-ever public forum.
Our topic today?
Should the amazing goddesses
take pity on the once-powerful
Pawnee Rangers,
and let them into our
clearly superior organization?
Ron, your opening statement.
This forum,
like all public forums,
is a waste of time.
Thank you.
Powerful stuff.
Okay. Let's open up
the floor to debate.
Who-- yes, Abigail.
Isn't it like Brown vs.
The Board of Education?
Separate but equal
is never really equal.
We should let the boys in.
Mmm, interesting. Casey?
I disagree.
I think there's a benefit
to educating the genders separately.
I see where you're coming from.
Let's hear from a ranger.
Anyone? Darren?
It's cold and dirty out here.
And you guys have candy.
I want the candy.
The goddesses are making
some well-informed statements,
but the most compelling point
is from Darren, about the candy.
We have amazing candy in there.
Welcome to Nirvana,
the Plaza at Eagleton.
There's a reflecting pool
out back,
there's an old-timey train
that runs through the mall,
and three Burberrys.
If you tell your friend,
"hey, meet me at Burberry,"
they gotta specify which one.
Let's hit it.
I really want this dress,
and I like this crystal beetle,
but it's expensive
and there's no use for it.
Donna Meagle?
Treat yourself.
Velvet slippies,
cashmere socks,
velvet pants, cashmere turtle.
I'm a cashmere-velvet
candy cane.
Treat yourself.
I mean, this is insane.
Jerry, a word?
Of course.
I had an amazing lunch.
I've already passed
the kale salad I had.
But, even better?
Your daughter
was delightful company.
Now, I don't want to put you
in an awkward position, but--
You would like
to date my daughter.
Yes!
But you are her father.
And that is a sacred thing.
I would like to spend
the next 2 to 4 days with you
so you can get
to know me better,
to find out if I'm
the kind of person
who's good enough
for your daughter.
Then, you can come with us
on our first 3 to 6 dates--
Chris,
I appreciate the gesture,
it's very nice,
but, Milly,
she's a grown woman,
and of course I trust her.
And I trust you.
Jerry.
Thank you.
Mmm.
Boys, I'm trying
to teach you something
about nature and self-reliance.
Nothing beats hard work
and determination.
Is this the Pawnee goddesses?
I've got
the puppies you ordered.
Oh!
The puppies for the puppy party
that we're having in our cabin?
Those puppies?
What?
Noo!
Man, did you buy anything
for yourself today?
Yeah, I got this pack of socks.
Plain white socks?
That's not a treat!
Donna!
Get me away from him.
Look. Maybe this is our
version of treat yourself day
and he needs to do his version.
What are you talking about?
Wyatt, if you could blow
big money on one thing--
not sock money--
what would it be?
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
This is a whole new
level of nerd.
You're right.
This is ridiculous.
- What am I doing?
- Wait. No, no, no, no.
I mean that in a good way, Ben.
Listen to me,
you're part of the
treat yourself team now, okay?
If that costume
somehow makes you happy,
you're gonna buy it.
And you're gonna wear it
out of the store, okay?
You're gonna treat yourself.
Yeah, you know what?
I'm gonna do that.
I'm gonna--
I'm gonna treat myself.
Thanks, you guys.
Thank you.
I really needed this.
I'm gonna treat myself.
Uh-oh. Batman's crying.
I am a goddess.
A glorious female warrior.
I am a goddess.
A glorious female warrior.
Queen of all that I survey.
Queen of all that I survey.
Enemies of fairness
and equality,
hear my womanly roar.
Enemies of fairness
and equality,
hear my womanly roar.
Congratulations,
you are now goddesses.
Oh, my God!
Now, have yourselves
a puppy party.
Oh, boy.
Hey.
Can I sit down?
Look, I didn't mean
for this to happen.
I have a lot of respect
for the Pawnee Rangers,
even if they were jerks
five years ago.
You're not a jerk.
You're a good troop leader.
Not for these times I'm not.
It's taken me a while
to see this,
but these kids...
I don't understand 'em.
And they certainly
don't understand me.
That's not true.
No, it is.
And it's okay.
People change.
Their interests change.
It's the way of the world.
When did kids get
so interested in fun?
Ah...
I'm gonna turn in.
You were right, by the way.
Your group is better.
What's wrong?
Out with it.
I was... seeing a woman,
uh, for a while, and then
we stopped seeing each other.
Uh, pretty recently.
That's why you've been
off your game.
Sorry, dog.
You're a catch, Wyatt.
You're gonna be okay.
There's chickenheads
everywhere, Ben.
Chickenheads all around
this mall.
You're gonna find one,
and you're gonna be great.
But, for now,
why don't you let it out?
Treat yourself to a good cry.
One question, though.
Yeah?
Why so serious?
Wait, I got something.
Oh!
Cool! Awesome! Nice!
Thanks, D-money.
What kind of bait did you use?
I bought this mackerel
at the supermarket.
I've been standing in the water
with the fish on my hook
for 30 minutes.
I saw it on an episode
I Love Lucy.
Pathetic? Maybe.
But, feels pretty good
to have a bunch of little boys
be super into me.
That came out wrong.
Ron!
Come fish with us!
That's okay.
Seems like you have
things under control.
Come on!
Come do that thing
where you catch one
with your hands!
I've seen him do it,
it's incredible.
Ron, come on!
We need you
to help us have fun!
First annual Leslie Knope
remote control speedboat race!
See ya Monday.
Jerry.
Where did you come from?
Listen, as I said earlier,
I want keep everything
above board in regards
to my relationship
with your daughter.
And, as you know, Millicent
and I went out last night.
And... it went terrific.
Chris, that's great,
but you really don't
have to do this.
Again, the date was amazing,
we had sparkling conversation,
and, full disclosure,
she did spend the night
at my house.
Have a great day, Jerry.
What are you doing here?
We're here for the club.
That was last week.
The ad says today.
Ad?
"Are you tough as nails?
" Would you rather sleep
on a bed of pine needles
"than a mattress?
"Do you find
video games pointless
"and shopping malls stupid?
"Do you march to the b*at
of your own drummer?
"Did you make the drum yourself?
"If so, you might just have
what it takes to be
"a Swanson.
"Pawnee's most hardcore
outdoor club starts today.
Boys and girls welcome."
Swansons!
Are you prepared
for whatever lies ahead?
Yes, sir.
Before we proceed,
do any of have any
dietary restrictions?
Correct, you do not.
First outing is right now.
I will be teaching you to
dig a proper trench.
Does that sound like
something you want to do?
Yes, sir.
This will be no fun at all.
The Internet's not working.
Ben!
We need your help.
Guys, I've told you
how to do it.
You just unplug the router
and then you plug it
back in again.
Guess I'll do it.
Still not working.
Well,
give it a minute. God.
Okay, it's working.
04x04 - Pawnee Rangers
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Public officials in an Indiana town pursue a series of projects to make their city a better town.
Public officials in an Indiana town pursue a series of projects to make their city a better town.