04x09 - The Trial of Leslie Knope

[bunniefuu]

April!
Listen, I was trying to buy

this hand-crafted
mahogany wood model

of a B-25 Mitchell
Panchito aircraft.

Aw, for me?
Don't sass me.

And I went to this website, and
this ad popped up that said,

"Hey, Ron Swanson.
Check out this great offer."

What's your question? My
question is, what the hell?

Like, how did they
know who you are?

Yeah.

Okay. There are these
things called cookies.

Where, like,
if you go to a site





and buy something,
it will remember you

and then create ads for other
stuff you might want to buy.

So, it learns
information about me?

Seems like an
invasion of privacy.

Dude, if you think that's bad go to
Google Earth and type in your address.

The point is, Ben and I have been
dating on and off for about a year.

I am, of course,
shocked.

And not just because Ben usually
prefers tall brunettes.

We're very sorry for the
position this puts you in.

What's happening? Are you
hugging me or are we fighting?

Are you hugging or fighting?
Let me know.

Neither of those things.

I love both of you.

You are exemplary
government employees.





Exemplary. That's the
word we were thinking of.

Well, it's true.
Isn't it?

Which makes what I am
about to say even sadder.

Then don't say it.

I am launching
a full investigation

into the extent
of your wrongdoing.

Please report Monday first
thing to the Council Chambers

for your ethics trial
and subsequent punishment.

I told you
we'd feel better.

Hey. It's 6:30
in the morning.

Your hearing doesn't start
for another two hours.

Well, I wanted to
get here early.

You know,
get a feel of the room.

So, you got here... At 3:00 a.m.
I couldn't sleep, anyway.

Well, I wanted to sneak
in before you got here.

An absurd pipe dream
I now realize was impossible.

You have a
present for me?

Yeah. What do you think?

Li'l Sebastian.

Yeah, I had it made for
you at the toy store.

Oh, thank you so much for
making my life so wonderful.

You're welcome.
I was talking to him.

Of course.
But also, to you.

Thanks.

I wish we could go
through this together.

Look, it's going
to be okay.

You're just going to get a slap on the wrist.
Maybe a brief suspension.

That's not okay.

That's going to go on
my permanent record.

I'm not the kind of person
that has a permanent record.

For me, a slap on the wrist
is, like, a kick to the nuts.

I know it is.

What's going to
happen to you?

Oh, don't worry
about me.

Well, look.
I'll be outside all day,

right on the other
side of that wall.

So, if you miss
me, you just look

...at this wrinkled,
hideous monster.

And you'll know I'm sitting
there, rooting for you.

Okay?
Okay

All right.

Go.
Okay.

Marcus Everett Langley
was Pawnee's greatest lawyer

at the turn
of the century.

His nickname was
"Old Stone Face"

because of his
steely demeanor.

And because he got in an
accident at the rock quarry

and dynamite
blew up his face.

Leslie Knope. Good morning.
It's snowing outside.

Isn't that great?

You seem like
you're in a good mood.

Actually,
I am quite miserable.

I admire
and respect you,

and dragging you through an ethics
trial is filling me with sadness.

I have never
felt so low.

Well, you're radiating pure joy.

I went to my herbalist
and got two B-12 sh*ts.

And then, I ate an unreasonable
amount of St. John's wort.

And my herbalist took this
weird bee pollen paste,

rubbed it around
my gums.

And now, my mouth
feels like a spaceship.

This is stressful.

And stress
leads to depression.

And if I don't maintain an extremely
high dosage of herbal remedies,

I will get very depressed.

Oh, God.
It's happening right now.

We are here today to determine
whether Leslie Knope

violated any
municipal rules or laws

due to her romantic relationship
with her superior, Ben Wyatt,

whose hearing
will be held tomorrow.

Would you like to make a
statement at this time?

Yes. I freely admit
to the relationship.

And I will not be fighting the charges
that we violated Chris' rule.

But we did nothing
else wrong or unethical.

In 1849, Sarah Nelson Quindell
exposed her elbow outdoors,

which was a
Class A felony.

Although she felt
the law unjust,

she acknowledged
that she had broken it.

And she nobly
accepted her punishment.

To be set adrift on Lake
Michigan, like a human Popsicle.

Look how calm she looks.
That's how I feel.

Totally Zen.

Ms. Knope, on what day did your
relationship with Ben Wyatt begin?

Last May, at your request,

Ben and I drove
to Indianapolis

to bid for the state
little league tournament.

The night we returned

was the first time we kissed each
other on each other's mouths.

It was excellent.

- That was unnecessary to add. I'm sorry.
- I'm nervous.

Next question.

Did you ever
receive special treatment

as a result of your
relationship with Ben Wyatt?

I received adorable nicknames
and amazing back rubs.

Oh, you mean professionally. No.

And did you break any local,
state, or federal law

in an effort to cover up your
relationship with Ben Wyatt?

Absolutely not.

Thank you.
Ms. Knope, that is all.

Mr. Traeger, this says you're
going to be calling 14 witnesses.

Is that correct?

Uh, yes, sir.

Fourteen?
Why so many?

I've already admitted
that I broke your rule.

It's not my rule,
Leslie.

It is an important rule that
exists in every government.

Romantic relationships between
superiors and their employees

lead to fraud, corruption
and a misuse of public funds.

And you think
I'm guilty of that?

I think that you began your
relationship with Ben Wyatt

earlier than
you are saying.

I believe that you certainly
received special treatment.

And I think that you may
even be guilty of bribery.

None of those things are true. And
I will prove it, Mr. Traeger.

Okay. Ten-minute break, please.

Here you go, boss.

Okay. Guys?

We need to
counter every charge

that Chris has
leveled against me.

Andy, I need evidence.
Got it.

Wait. You don't
know what evidence.

Ah, right on.
Yes. Hit me.

Next to my desk is a picture of a
female politician, Bella Abzug.

Get the key that's taped on
the back of that picture.

It opens up my
bottom desk drawer.

In there are some files... Pay attention.
Where are you looking?

Look here.
Focus here.

Get the files
in the drawer

and then get all of the
file boxes in the office.

Put the files in the drawer.
Let's go. No.

Okay. I'll go with him.
Thank you.

Ron, Chris has
14 witnesses.

I need you to talk to
all the department heads

and find out
who's going to testify.

I don't know the names of
the other department heads.

I'll go with him. Seriously,
with the men in this office?

Ann, I need you to
text me every 30 seconds

that everything is
going to be okay.

Okay.

Thanks, Ann.

I broke one rule, and I
will accept a slap on the wrist.

But when you sit back and let
your reputation be destroyed,

you go down in history
as a frozen whore.

I am fighting.

Hey. I got my computer.
I'm all set.

Great. You're up next.

How is Ben? Is he sad?

You need to
cheer him up, Ann.

Ben is fine. He says he's
sorry he's not in here.

He said to look
at the monster.

I'm hoping you
know what that means.

There's a rumor going around
that Chris has a k*ller witness.

How? Why?
That makes no sense.

There's no k*ller witness because
we didn't do anything wrong.

Unless someone is planning
to lie or slander us.

Okay, just to be safe, find out
who it is and silence him.

With pleasure.

Wait. Let me
make it clear.

Don't silence him. Just
make sure he can't talk.

Okay, we're back.
Clear this chamber, please.

Ms. Perkins, Chris
Traeger has questioned

when my relationship
with Ben Wyatt began.

I'd like to direct
you to your inbox.

And, specifically,
an e-mail entitled "Yay."

That's Y-A, and 18 Y's,
and 44 exclamation points.

Yes. It is an e-mail
from you.

Oh, and there's
an attachment.

Mmm. Intriguing.

Could you play the
attachment, please?

Sure.

In a world on the
brink of financial meltdown.

In a town
unlike any other.

An adorable man
with a cute face

and the future President
of the United States...

What? Went from
being friends

to being so much more.

Ann! Ben and I
hooked up last night.

And I learned
how to use iMovie.

Call me later. Bye.

So, what was the date
you received that e-mail?

Uh, May 12th.
May 12th.

The day after we returned
from Indianapolis.

Mr. Haverford, would you consider
Leslie Knope a good employee?

Did Tom Ford turn around
the House of Gucci?

I do not know. But I'll
assume that that is a yes.

How long were you
two lovers?

Excuse me?
Oh, God.

Last March, I witnessed Leslie
Knope and Tom Haverford

engaged in a passionate,
yet tender, kiss.

It seems that Ms. Knope
has a pattern

of becoming involved
with her co-workers.

Tom, will you please tell the
committee why we were kissing?

An online dating site
randomly paired us up.

So, as a joke,

I thought it would be funny to
pretend you and I were dating.

And then, you kissed me,
as a joke, to shut me up.

But we never had any other
romantic contact after that.

No. That would be like dating
my older sister's elderly aunt.

No, it wouldn't.

Well, we've been
at it for hours.

And I did have some problem
with my character witnesses.

I don't know why Leslie Knope is on trial.
Ethel Beavers did it!

Okay.
Beavers did it!

Sit down.

I will hold myself in
contempt of the court!

Is this about the laptop?
I didn't mean to steal it.

I took it home and I spaced. I forgot.
I'm going to bring it back.

It totally works, but I got
spaghetti in the keyboard.

What laptop?

Objection.

But other than that,
I think I'm winning.

I've refuted every one
of Chris' claims so far.

I have here a receipt from the
Pawnee Super-Suites Motel.

Leslie Knope submitted that
receipt for reimbursement.

Taxpayers' money is not meant to
be spent on a romantic getaway.

Donna, will you please
describe what we were wearing

the evening
you saw us?

Um, Khakis and
button-down shirts.

Your basic
white people clothes.

And when you walked into the
room, what did it look like?

Did it look like anything
romantic had happened?

No. Hell, no. I have ruined
my share of hotel rooms.

And trust me, nothing sexual
happened in that room.

It kind of
looked like an office.

Maybe because
it was an office.

City Hall was being fumigated, and
we needed to pull an all-nighter.

The only thing
that was ravaged

were these
Federal Grant Proposals

that Donna had
dropped off earlier.

I've seen over 200 episodes
of Law and Order,

and it's paying off
big time.

And by the way,
we got the gramps.

Grants. God.
Oh.

That was going to be
such an awesome moment.

So, Ethel, you've been to a
million of these ethics hearings.

What do you
think my chances are?

I'd say it's 50-50.

If you want to put money on it,
I'll give you 60-40 against.

Is it ethical for
a court stenographer

to bet on the
outcome of a hearing?

You tell me.
You're the one on trial.

Ron Swanson
to the stand, please.

Mr. Swanson, there has
been a question posed

about when my relationship
with Ben Wyatt ended.

Can you confirm that you
own a cabin at 930...

Stop. Please. I don't like to
give out my address to anyone,

much less have it on
an official record.

Ron, don't be ridiculous. This is very important.
Do you own a cabin...

9301 Cedar Crest Drive.

9301 Cedar Crest...

I didn't hear that.

9301 Cedar Crest Drive!

She's here.

Who's here?

My ex-wife. Tammy Two.

I can smell the sulfur
coming off her cloven hooves.

Good nose, Ron. Tammy Swanson is here.
She will be my next witness.

Tammy Two is
your k*ller witness?

Please. You're going
to have to do better.

Actually, she is a terrifying sociopath
who could say or do anything.

A pretty good
k*ller witness.

Ms. Swanson,
do you, as you claimed,

have evidence linking Leslie Knope
and Ben Wyatt to law-breaking?

Absolutely.
I have several photographs

that will
definitively prove...

May I remind you that you are
under oath, and if you lie,

I will fire you and
have you prosecuted.

Nothing. They will
definitively prove nothing.

You cut me off.
I don't have any evidence.

Oh, Chris. So silly.

Okay. Bye, guys. Leslie, have
fun with this trial. Yay.

I think I've proven
that the only rule

Ben and I broke was
dating each other.

And I am very happy
that I have not uncovered

any additional evidence
of unethical behavior.

But I do have
one last witness.

George Williams
from public works.

George Williams?
Who's...

Oh, George Williams?
He's just a maintenance worker.

NASCAR enthusiast,
I believe. And...

Oh. Interesting tidbit.

I once bribed him to keep my
relationship with Ben quiet.

You are saying that you saw

Ben Wyatt and Leslie Knope kissing
at Li'l Sebastian's memorial?

Yeah.

Can you identify Leslie Knope
in this chamber?

She's right there.
Right.

And what happened
after this incident?

Well, they got
real nervous.

They came up to me and they
told me to forget what I saw.

What you saw was not
what you think it is.

I have a gift certificate,
actually, for you.

Oh, my God.

And then, they gave me a $50 gift
certificate to a spa, and said...

And thank you for
your discretion.

And did you use it?
Yeah.

I got a facial. My wife
said my skin was luminous.

That's enough. Now, in order to
cover up their illicit affair,

Ben Wyatt and Leslie Knope
bribed a city employee.

George, I notice that
you're wearing glasses.

Yet, on the day in question, I
don't recall you wearing glasses.

Could it be because
you weren't wearing glasses?

I never wear them
on a job.

Can you take your
glasses off, please?

And read this for us?

"I could read this if
I weren't so blind."

Well, that went
terribly.

I need to check
some facts and figures.

I would like to
request a 55-day recess.

You can have 30 minutes. But we're
nearing the end here, Ms. Knope.

Okay, guys. My only hope is that,
in one of these old books,

there's some weird,
arcane statute

or government
rule that helps me.

So, everybody grab a volume
and let's just read up.

Okay. Mine doesn't
have any pictures.

Does anyone have anything? Did
anybody find anything good?

In 1856,
the city council banned

all sexual positions
except for missionary.

And two years later,
they banned missionary.

1882, "Should a Presbyterian
speak out of turn,

"he may be caned
across the shinbone."

Oh, my God. Black people still
can't legally use city sidewalks.

Look, I know we're not
supposed to be seen together,

but I think Ben could be
really helpful with this.

Can somebody go get him?

All right. I'll go.

"Any woman caught
laughing is a witch."

That's true.

Um, he's not there.

No, he said he'd just be on
the other side of that wall.

He's probably
in the bathroom.

All right.
I'll find him.

This mural is called
Bad Pawnee, Good Pawnee.

All the terrible
things that have happened

in this town's history
are on one side.

And on the other side are all the
good things that have happened.

I'm on the bad side.

No, you're not. Yes, I am, Ron.
I'm guilty.

I did something bad.
I'm a bad person.

It's not that simple.

You know what makes
a good person good?

When a good person does something
bad, they own up to it.

They try to learn something
from it and they move on.

Guys, everybody stop reading. No more loopholes.
No more fighting.

Are you sure, boss?

Yeah. I know I let you down, and I
just want to say I'm really sorry.

Leslie,
what are you talking about?

Yeah, this makes
me like you more.

Bribing someone to
hide a sexcapade?

I'm proud to
call you a friend.

And I always liked you.

Okay, we're back.

Clear the chamber,
please.

I think I'm about
to get fired, Ron.

Ms. Knope, unless you
have any objections,

we'll be ending
this investigation

and moving on to
the punishment phase.

I have no objections.

We hereby hand down
the following judgment.

You will be suspended
for two weeks with pay.

Just two weeks?
Correct.

This concludes
the investigation.

I thought I was
going to get fired.

I should have gotten fired.
Why didn't I get fired?

Ben asked for a private
meeting with the committee.

And he took full
responsibility for the bribe

and resigned,
effective immediately.

What? Wait. Hang on.
You can't let him resign.

I tried to talk him out of it,
but his mind was made up.

My job is to protect the government
from fraud and corruption.

I was just
doing my job.

And I hope that
you can understand that.

I do. Honestly, I do.

Because your actions
wounded me to my core.

Which is not easy,
since the bulk of my workouts

are focused on
core strengthening.

But we will
get through this.

You are an excellent
government employee.

And more importantly, you're
the only person I've ever met

who is worthy of
being Ben's girlfriend.

I hope that's true.

You know, the meeting
that Ben and I had,

it's on the record.

You should take a look at the
last page of the transcript.

"Mr. Wyatt.

"Chris, for God's sake,
would you mind

"not jumping for
a little while?

"Mr.
Traeger. Sorry, Ben, but..."

This is howl
fight depression.

Okay, fine. I'll stop.

Thank you.

Okay. So, you are
prepared to resign

effective immediately
and take full responsibility

for all the events that transpired
at Li'l Sebastian's memorial?

“Mr. Wyatt. That is
correct." That is correct.

"Mr. Traeger. Okay, fine.

"This makes me sadder than I
previously thought humanly possible,

"but I accept
your resignation.

"Can I ask you
one more question?"

Was all of this, all the sneaking
around, the scandal, losing your job,

was it worth it?

Yes. It was.

"Because I love Leslie.
I want to be with her,

"and I don't want to hide the
way I feel about her anymore.

"So, yeah, it was worth it, because
I'm in love with Leslie Knope.

"Mr. Traeger.
That was beautiful.

"I'm literally
crying and jumping.

"Crying noise,
crying noise, nose blow.

"Mr. Wyatt.
It's going to be okay.

"Mr. Traeger..."

Oh.

Let it out,
I guess?

"End Transcript."

Hi, honey.
How was your day?

Oh, I've had better.

How about you?

I can't believe
you did that for me.

Well, I was pretty sure it was going
to happen, one way or the other.

And I hope it doesn't
affect your campaign.

Don't worry
about that right now.

There was a piece of testimony
that came out during the trial

that I think you'd
be interested in.

Ethel?

Ethel, could you please read Page
132 of the official testimony?

"Ethel Beavers.
The official record

"has now annoyingly
been reopened,

"so that Leslie Knope
can make a statement.

"Leslie Knope.
Let the record state

"that I, Leslie Knope,
love Ben Wyatt.

"I love him with
all of my heart.

"Did you get that?
Ethel Beavers. Yes, I got it."

Thank you, Ethel.

Can I get a ride home?
It's freezing.

Can you please state your
name for the committee?

Gary Gergich.

Oh, God, Jerry. You can't
even get your own name right.

Actually,
my real name is Gary.

Gary?

On my first day here, the old
director, he called me Jerry.

And I just didn't think
I should correct him.

That's ridiculous.
Your name is Jerry.

No. Legally,
my name is Gary.

Gary Gergich?
Jerry Gergich.

Gary Gergich.
Jerry Gergich.

Gary Gergich. Jerry...
God, they're both horrible.

But Jerry is better.
I'm going to call you Jerry.

Okay. Jerry. Do you
remember a time...

I'm sorry. I can't get
over the Gary-Jerry thing.

Neither can I.
Jerry, you can go.

We need
a five-minute break.