04x10 - Citizen Knope

[bunniefuu]

Come on,
come on, come on.

Leslie Knope.
Hey, Chris.

Wow, is that
a new jogging shirt?

It is.

It's an experimental fabric
called Bumble-Flex.

It's made out of
synthetic bees' wings.

It's cool.

Anyway, you're not supposed to be here.
You're suspended.

I totally understand that.

I'm just going to
take my flash drive

and I'll do some
work from home.

N-O. You are specifically
prohibited from doing your job.

Oh, I'm not
going to do my job.

I'm just going to oversee the
department and check in on the parks

and attend any meetings that are
required of the deputy director.

Leslie, go home and give
me the flash drive.

This is a nasal spray.
Give me the flash drive.

Give me the nasal spray.

On three.

One...
Two.

Two, three.

Okay, good. Now, in
two weeks, you can...

Leslie Knope! I am much faster than you!
I have Bumble-Flex!

It's so nice to be able
to sit here in public

and have breakfast with you.
Yeah.

In away, my suspension from
work was kind of a blessing.

Yeah, I feel the same way
about resigning in disgrace.

Totally. The key is you
have to keep yourself busy

or else you're going to go crazy.
Mmm-hmm.

I mean, look at me.
Look how busy I am.

I'm inventing a new spice called salger.
It's part salt, part sugar.

What could that
possibly be good on?

Butterscotch pudding.

Fair enough.

Okay, I have to go to this
meeting with my advisors.

You have a big day, right?
Which interview is this?

It's a job doing in-house accounting
work for an accounting firm.

So it could be
pretty interesting.

Yeah. Sounds interesting.

You know. If I hadn't
resigned in disgrace,

I might never have
explored the private sector.

It's like, why didn't I resign
in disgrace 12 years ago?

You might want to stop saying
"resigned in disgrace."

Especially during job interviews.
Good call.

Leslie wishes she could
be here herself

to give you
these presents,

but she's suspended.

Oh, and, also,
she said that

they're not from her,
they're from Santa Claus.

Can I go first?

Mouse Rat. Certified gold!

Over 100 copies
sold in Pawnee.

I need to get a picture of me
holding this, so I can frame it.

A personalized leopard-printed robe.
Pink feather cuffs.

And on the back,
in rhinestones...

"You Can Get It."

"I know you're sad
you couldn't get tickets

"to the 'Watch
the Throne' tour,

"so I got you a watch
and a tiny throne instead."

And check it out.
She even took out

the dumb clock part
and put this in.

These are the Black Eyed Peas.
And I finally k*lled them.

It's a Christmas miracle.

Every year, I give Leslie the
same present I give everyone.

A crisp $20 bill.

And every year, she gets me
something thoughtful and personal.

It makes me furious.

This year,
she outdid herself.

She had it installed
over the weekend.

It's so...
It's so beautiful.

We need to get
Leslie something

that erases the enormous
emotional debt

that has built up over years
of this gift-giving imbalance.

Everyone start
thinking of ideas.

Aw, jeez.

Socks. She gets me.

Hi, hi, hi, hi.
Sorry I'm late.

I was off getting holiday
gifts for my team.

William, here is a Knope
2012 tree ornament.

Hey.

And, Elizabeth, I got you
a Knope 2012 menorah?

Maybe?
No.

No. Okay. Then I got
you a tree ornament.

Okay. So let's talk
about damage control.

Now, I could go
on Pawnee Today.

But, and I know this is a long sh*t,
Oprah has her own network now.

Whoa, Leslie, slow down.

The first step is for us to
figure out what we're up against.

- And we've already got polls out in the field.
Mmm-hmm.

And we should have results
back in a couple of days.

Just stay out of the spotlight
until we can figure out just how

this incident has
affected the voters.

Sit tight.
Take a b*at, relax.

Sit tight?
Take a b*at? Relax?

I don't really do
any of those things.

In fact, while I was
in that meeting,

I was also planning my mother's
birthday party in my head.

Strawberry margaritas.

Another use for salger.

Financial analysis. Automated
general ledger accounting systems.

Audit management.
Yeah.

Hmm. You've done everything.

Well, they call me
"the Swiss Army accountant."

They don't call me that.
They should.

Well, look. I think
you'd be a great addition.

Would you be willing to come
back to meet the division head?

Yes, absolutely.

We'll set that up.
Okay.

- Great.
- Thank you.

Well, calc-you-later.

Oh, you like that one?

We do not get
a lot of humor here.

And when we do,
it's wonderful.

Ted, come in here.

Say it to
Ted when he comes in.

We could get Leslie some Marshmallow Fluff.
I have some right here.

Correction, darling.
You had some right here.

Did you just scoop it
out of the jar

with your hand
like a bear?

Yes. I can't get it off.
Can you help me?

Behold.
My latest attempt

to drag this department
into the 20th century.

Tom, it's the 21st century.

I know. I'd settle for
getting you into the 20th.

I fed all of Leslie's e-mails,
letters, and memos into a program

and generated a word cloud.

This is how we
can get gift ideas.

The more she's mentioned a
word, the larger it appears.

Ben, and much larger Ann.

She definitely loves Ann.
Aw!

Okay, I have an idea.

I will build a small wooden
model of the Parks Department.

We can decorate our offices
as they are in real life.

It will be

cute.

Wait. Better idea.

We make a gingerbread
version of the office.

That's so good!

A wood model is best.

And we can decorate our offices
with candy canes and gumdrops.

Oh, that would be
so adorable.

That's such a cute idea.

I have some great red birch
with a nice spalting.

I already have some scale wainscoting.

Mmm! I love me a calzone.

Ben, I'm going crazy.

First, they won't let me work
at the Parks Department.

Now they won't let me
campaign, either?

All I want to do is improve our town.
And they won't let me do that.

You're putting an awful lot
of salger on your pasta.

This is just sugar. Okay, I
need you to distract me.

Talk to me about something.
Anything.

Well, that accounting firm is
going to make me a job offer.

Oh, yeah? That's great.
Yeah.

Are you going to take it?
Well, it pays well.

The commute is a little
long, but that's okay.

I didn't love the carpeting.
But I don't know.

You know what I think? If you
don't love it, take a month.

See what else
is out there.

Yeah. And, you know, you can
still improve the city.

You can't work right now
or run a campaign?

Do it as
a private citizen.

Oh, my God. I'll form a
citizen action committee.

I'll lobby from the outside. I'll
harness the power of the community.

Oh, my God. I finally
have some work to do.

Thank you so much for
dinner, honey. Oh.

I can hear you breathing and,
yes, you can finish her pasta.

Thank God. I'm so hungry.

Mmm! Tastes like
Fruit Loops.

Wow. Great turn-out.

Okay. Welcome, everyone,
to the first meeting

of the Parks Committee
of Pawnee, or PCP.

Should we really be called PCP?
See, because...

Yes. Because,
like the drug PCP,

we are so fast-acting and
powerful, we should be illegal.

Now, what do you want to see
fixed in the parks? Yes.

I've noticed that
the White Hills hiking path

could really use
some upkeep.

I was thinking we organize
a letter writing campaign.

I know for a fact that nobody in the
Parks Department reads letters.

Except for one person. Who is amazing,
but she isn't currently there,

because he was suspended.

How amazing can he be
if he got suspended?

Pretty damn amazing, Diane.
Now, shush.

If we want to get
the government

off their bloated
bureaucratic butts

then we need our
voices to be heard.

And that's what
we're going to do.

Clear eyes,
full hearts, can't lose.

Ron is making the model,

and then we're going to put
all of our candy decorations

in our corners
of the office.

Okay, so what did
everybody make?

- Boom! Rock 'n' Roll Candy Andy.
- Wow.

That's really good, son. I didn't
do anything for my office.

That's okay
I took care of it.

I made a marshmallow
Ron Swanson.

See? His arms are crossed,

because he's mad
at all the other

marshmallow workers
for annoying him.

Do you like it?

It's fine.

When I was trying to decide
how to decorate my office,

I had to ask myself, "What kind
of candy should I choose?"

Obviously, chocolate.
Because I'm sweet,

smooth, and
the ladies love me.

Now, the question still remained.
"What kind of chocolate am I?"

Do I have a little
gooey caramel center?

Am I filled with
little Rice Krispies?

Maybe I'm white chocolate and I'm
bucking all the stereotypes.

Oh, just put
your damn candy out.

Ultimately, I decided to go
with a little gourmet fudge.

I didn't have time to
make it into anything.

And please don't eat it,
because it cost $55 an ounce.

Sol made my desk
out of silver M&Ms.

But they do not make silver M&Ms.
So I spray painted them.

Okay. Those are poisonous.
So no one eat them.

Yeah, duh.

Go throw up.

I didn't eat any.
Go throw up.

Throw up.

Ben Wyatt.
Hi.

Great to meet you.
You, too.

I'm this.

Well, thank you for meeting
with me, Mr. Feinstein.

Please. Call me
Dennis Feinstein.

I'm going to cut
right to the chase, Ben.

This cologne company
is my life's work.

Why should I trust you
with my perfumery?

Well, I've been in government
accounting for more than a decade.

And I just think
it's time for a change.

Listen. Ben, I'm going to cut right
to the chase. Okay? I like you.

I've always liked you.
But I also like Eddie.

Eddie... Who's Eddie?

Eddie's my current CFO.

But I might fire him
and hire you.

You got kids?
No.

That's good. Dum-dum
Eddie has two kids.

Oh, God.
Don't fire Eddie.

Why would you have him in
here in this interview?

Eddie, I am sorry. I...
Don't talk to Eddie.

Treat him like you would treat
a person in another country

that you paid
$25,000 to hunt.

What are you talking about?
What am I talking about?

I'm talking about the
best vacation of my life.

Oh, my God.
Look, I'm sorry.

I thought I wanted to branch
out a little, career-wise.

But that was a mistake.

So keep Eddie.
I do not want this job.

Hah! You're crazy, man.

We'll be in touch.

Okay. Are there
any more recommendations

for new games at
the Rec center?

My daughter, she loves
Chutes and Ladders.

Oh, come on.

There is no strategy to Chutes and Ladders.
It's just luck.

My daughter is five.

Well, your daughter is an idiot.
Her daughter is an idiot.

Her daughter is an idiot.

No. No, no. No. No, she's not.

Hello. I am Leslie Knope,
and I represent the PCP.

We have a list of six demands. Here
they are in alphabetical order.

Number one. Ants. Too many
ants in the teen center.

Number two.
Tennis court improvements.

Number three. Undue...

Well, ma'am.

This public forum, it is
just about improvements

that we can make
to the Rec Center.

Speaking of which. The fact that
Yahtzee is not in the Rec Center

is a tragedy on par
with human trafficking.

Slight exaggeration. Getting
back to our demands.

We will not be muzzled
like a rabid dog.

We are going to take this
all the way to the top.

Okay. We have made
some waves here, people.

But we need to keep
this momentum going.

Now, the City Manager's name
is Chris Traeger.

I want to take
this fight to him.

Ohhh! A letter writing
campaign.

God, Diane. Would you stop it with
the letter writing campaigns? No.

I have his office number.

I want one of you calling
it every 15 minutes.

We are also going to protest
along his jogging route.

And I need someone
in every GNC

within a 5-mile radius
of the city center.

But there are
only 12 of us.

Thirteen.

Look.
Our numbers are growing.

There's nothing we can't do
if we work hard, never sleep,

and shirk all other
responsibilities in our lives.

- You with me?
- Yes.

I can hand-craft 17-foot canoes
out of Western Red Cedar,

but I can't glue two damn
graham crackers together.

Look. It's really easy.
I know a lot about candy.

I play with it. I eat it. Sometimes,
I play with it and eat it. Boom!

Okay. New plan. Everyone
else makes this candy house,

and I make myself
useful elsewhere.

Your 11:00 is here.

Concerned citizen and community
leader, Leslie Knope.

Nice to meet you.
Hi, Leslie.

You're not
supposed to be here.

As a government employee,
that's true.

But I am just here as a concerned
citizen and founder of PCP.

The Parks Committee
of Pawnee?

Those are the people
that have been harassing me.

We have many demands.

Specifically, these six
unfunded projects

that need to be
dealt with immediately.

Well...
Not good enough.

Leslie. Out of respect for you,
I will meet with your group.

But I hope that this puts
an end to the madness.

Prepare for battle.

Oh, I forgot to tell you I
got your Christmas present.

It's, like, a little stopwatch
that records your jogging times

and then sends it to your
computer via Bluetooth.

Ah!

That is so thoughtful.

My pleasure.
See you in hell.

Well, I see you've taken
our advice about relaxing.

Oh, this is just a little militant
citizen group I slapped together.

But enough about me. What
are my polling results?

Well, before the scandal,
you were at 26%.

Now, we knew
we'd take a hit.

But we figured as long as
we're at 15% or above,

we're still in the fight.

And we're at 15%? We went
back to 26% percent?

Whoa. Wait. 50%?

We're at one.

One hundred?

You're polling at 1%.

What? No.
That can't be right.

Okay. Well, what we do
is we move forward from this.

How do we put
a positive spin on this?

There's no way
to spin this.

Sure there is. You're looking at
the glass like it's 99% empty.

I'm looking at it
like it's 1% full.

You know, the last delicious
sip of a milkshake

at the bottom of
the metal milkshakey thing?

It's very hard to come back
from this kind of thing.

You know, a sex scandal
with your boss.

Oh, like you're
so pure and chaste.

Please. I know the two of
you are sleeping together.

It's obvious. With all your
glances and your sly smiles.

I'm gay.

Well, never mind, then.

It's a small town.
There's nowhere to hide.

We can't run your
campaign anymore.

I'm sorry, Leslie. You were a
great candidate, but it's over.

Could you maybe
find new advisors?

I can't. I talked to
everyone in the entire state

who's ever run
a campaign.

Nobody wants a candidate
who's polling

at "last milkshake
sip levels."

Can I say something?
This sucks.

I am not going to convince
you that it doesn't,

and you can tell me every day for the
next year about how much this sucks.

One year. You said one year.
That's on the record.

And I meant it.

But, eventually,
this will pass.

You're going to
get through this.

I don't know
if I'm going to.

I mean, look, I return
to my old job in a week.

And that's great, because
I love my old job.

But my heart was
really set on this new job.

Ann...

Don't touch my pickles, Ann.

UP. up. up. up. UP!
Jason!

Oh, my God.

Yeah, I know,
I know, I know.

Hey, Jean-Ralphio.
How's it going?

It's going good. I'm actually
right here for an appointment.

Getting a Brazilian.

By the way, there is a woman
over there that is unbelievable.

Her name is Kim. When she
rips it off, she smiles.

And it makes you
feel things.

Throw my name, I get a referral
discount, if you don't mind.

Okay.

I heard somebody
resigned in disgrace.

My question to you is,
how you making that paper?

Well, I've
interviewed around.

But I'm actually
about to take a job

doing in-house accounting
for an accounting firm.

Gosh. I almost fell asleep
during that sentence.

Okay.
Let me get this straight.

You would be an accountant
for accountants.

Yeah.

So at this accounting firm,
you would have the boring job.

Are you nuts?

This is probably the first
time you've had off

since you've been
kid president.

True or false? True.
Mayor.

Why don't you use that time and
go after one of your passions?

Like model trains or like
toy Gandalfs or something.

I don't know why you'd jump
straight to model trains.

I mean, it's accurate.

I'm going to tell you
something that I once heard

from a very, very
smart woman named Kim.

The lady who waxes you?

She told me, "If you don't love
what you do, then why do it?"

Then she ripped
the hair from my B-hole.

Ron filled me in on
everything that happened.

And I really wish that the ethics
investigation hadn't interfered

with your campaign
in any way.

You don't have to apologize.

You were very fair. In fact, I'm
the one that needs to apologize.

I got you involved in PCP.

But I'm starting a new group now.
LSD. Leslie's Sorry Division.

And I just want to say
I'm sorry, Chris.

Oh. That's nice
of you to say.

Anyway. Now, for
your Christmas present.

Your suspension has been lifted.
Please come back to work.

Thank you.

Hey. What are you
doing here?

Hey. I just wanted to tell
you something in person.

Oh, my God.
I'm pregnant. Wait.

What? No, that's not it.

I turned down
that accounting job.

It just didn't feel right.
That's okay, right?

Yeah. I think that's great.

I'm really proud of you.
Yeah?

What are you
going to do instead?

I have no idea.

I like it.

Yeah. Okay.

Well, I guess
I'll just see you at home.

Well, they're having
a party in here.

Why don't you stay?

Actually, I think
you should go in alone.

What's going on here?

Merry Christmas, Leslie.

We made you this replica of the Parks
Department out of gingerbread.

Oh, my God. I love it.
I love it and I love you guys.

And Ann, specifically.
And all of you.

You did all of this together?

Yes. Except for me.

It turns out I cannot make
a gingerbread house.

Which would bother me if I
were an eight-year-old girl.

In any case, these people
stepped up and helped me out.

And that gave me
another idea.

This is the city
council chambers.

And that's you, next May.

I don't understand.

Your campaign advisors quit.
Big deal.

You're running for city council
again, Leslie. With our help.

April Ludgate. Youth Outreach
and Director of New Media.

Tom Haverford. Image Consultant.
Swagger Coach.

Ann Perkins. Office Manager
and Volunteer Coordinator.

Andy Dwyer.
Security. Sweets.

Body Man.
Javelin, if need be.

Donna Meagle. Transpo,
AKA rides in my Benz.

What? You guys didn't tell
me we were doing this.

I did not know that
I was supposed to

come up with something.
I...

Ron Swanson.

Any other damn thing
you might need.

Guys, it's so much work. I can't
ask you to put your lives on hold.

Find one person here who you haven't
helped by putting your life on hold.

I don't know what to say.

Except...

Let's go win an election.

Giving Christmas gifts
is like a sport to me.

Finding or making
that perfect something,

it's also like a sport to me
because I always win.

This year, though,
my friends won.

In fact, I got my
ass handed to me.

Welcome, Mr. Saperstein.

Thanks so much.

I will just show you
to your cubicle.

I can't wait. I bet it's
a big one, huh, Barney?

The temp agency said that you are
fluent with QuickBooks Pro, correct?

Oh, right. Yeah,
we should cover that.

You see, my resume might not
actually be accurate, right?

Sol have no idea what
you're talking about.

Don't know what
QuickBooks are.

You don't have any
accounting experience?

No, no, no, no.
Barney, come on.

But you don't have
to be an accountant

to know that
this girl is a 10.

Yo, what up, D.S.?

You come here often?
To my job?

Oh! She's got a mouth on her, also.
Shut it.

Is this the new temp
who's supposed

to help me with
the spreadsheets?

If you want to talk
about spreading and sheets,

we can go back to my place
and I will rock your...

You're fired.

That makes sense. So I just go
out the same way I came in?