04x18 - Lucky

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Parks and Recreation". Series aired April 9, 2009 to February 24, 2015.*
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Public officials in an Indiana town pursue a series of projects to make their city a better town.
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04x18 - Lucky

Post by bunniefuu »

It's my new
interview outfit.

Like, "Hey, nice to meet you.
Can't wait for the interview."

Um, maybe the hat?
Yeah.

Lose this?

To win an election, you have to
be good and you have to be lucky.

Buddy Wood hosts the number one
morning show in Indianapolis.

And he wants to interview me for a
series he's doing on local elections.

And last year, the five people
that he profiled, all won.

This is a
huge break for us.

Hey. Maybe we should put a
pause on the fashion show.

We have to go over
your talking points.

Keep going.
I can still hear you.

Okay. Ms. Knope,
what is going to be

your first major
public works project?

Oh, I don't know.

But I bet these pants
will work for the public.

Damn.
Those pants look dope.

Right? Oh, my God.
Those look great.

And I bet they'd look even
better on Ben's floor.

Are you hitting
on Leslie for me?

Wait a second.
Just turn around?

What?

Oh.

It says "nympho" on the butt
in silver sparkly letters.

"Nympho" means
you're addicted to sex.

And since it's on the butt, there's
other implications as well.

So, those are
a maybe.

Who was Laura Mulvey?

Laura Mulvey

Girl
was a guy.

Right. Women's Studies.
They're all girls.

Laura Mulvey was a feminist film
critic who wrote a major essay

that helped shift the
orientation of film theory

to the psychoanalytical
framework.

Treat, please.

I'm about to take my first ever
final for my women's studies class.

Usually,
tests scare me.

But this is
an oral exam.

And if there's
one thing I know is

my fantastic,
it's talk.

God, I don't know.
Man, I'm so nervous.

I know. I'm just going
to call the professor.

And then, I'm going
to get on the phone

and make some
fake barfing sounds.

And then, I'm just going to bail.
So, give me my phone.

No, Andrew. That's not how
grownups handle tough situations.

Well, I... We face
our fears head-on.

I told you. If you can't
remember what some woman did,

just tear up and say,
"She changed my life."

Yeah.
That's a good call.

I think this is it.
But do I need a hat?

Like a bowler
or an edgy scarf?

No. Those endless scarves that come
out of your sleeves like a magician.

Um, I think you should just
go with something basic.

Just no-nonsense.

Mr. Wood, hello.

God, he is more
tightly wound than ever.

Maybe we should see if he can
pull that rod out of his butt

and we can hang some
of those outfits on it.

Ann and I have the occasional
rough patch in our relationship.

But right now, we're
really in a groove.

We've gone 30 hours
without breaking up.

Our personal best
is 47 hours.

It happened when she was
out of town for two days

and she forgot
we were dating.

Well, let me know if anything changes.
Thank you.

Interview's off.
What?

What? Buddy has to fly back
to Indianapolis early.

Something about
a factory expl*si*n.

Come on. Did anyone
even get hurt?

Sorry.

First stroke of luck
we've had and it's gone.

Okay. Well, we just
have to work harder.

I mean, good news is
we can call it a night

and get a super early start
on our door-to-door tomorrow.

Ooh, that is
great news.

And you know,
we might even be able

to make it back in time
for Boring Club.

Do you know who the President
of Boring Club is?

Me?
No.

You lost the election because
your speech was too boring.

Hey. Why don't we
all go get a drink?

Blow off some steam. Everybody's
been working so hard.

Um, well, we're in
the home stretch here,

and losing that
interview didn't help.

I'm going to go over some polling
numbers and turn in early.

I suggest you
do the same.

Hey, Leslie.
Give you a ride home?

Screw it. I've got a new
outfit, my hair looks amazing,

and I have a serious excess
of pre-interview adrenaline.

Who's gonna
drink with me?

Ooh.
Ooh!

Susan Bronwell or B. Anthony was born
in Adams, Massachusetts, in 1820.

And she played a pivotal role in the
institution of women's suffrage.

Andy.
Treat, please.

Andy. Slow down. You're
taking this class pass-fail.

So, I'm just looking for a free-wheeling
discussion about, you know,

what you got
from the class.

Oh, okay.

I would say
what I find very cool

about Susan B. Anthony is

how she was born in Adams,
Massachusetts in 1820.

You know?
Just one man's opinion.

I passed! I got a P!

Congrats, babe.
Yeah.

I was hoping for a P plus
but that does not exist.

Right?
Right.

Yes. So basically,
best grade in the class.

Tied for the best grade
in the class.

Ron, I am a college graduate now.
No, you're not.

I'm a college
course graduate.

And it's all
because of you.

It's my pleasure, son.

I'm really
proud of you.

How about a steak?
Yeah!

Well, you guys
have a good time.

Professor, why don't
you come with us?

Is that cool?
Sure.

We'll let you pay for your own
food because of equality.

I guess now that the class is over,
there's nothing wrong with it.

Are you going to
wear that?

Okay, I'm calling it. I have
a date with my bathtub,

a glass of red wine and a
gigantic fireman named Marcus.

I'm going to keep
plugging away for a bit.

You don't mind
this work, do you?

Uh-uh.

I like it.

It makes sense to me.

Mmm.

This was such a good idea.
Should we get another round?

Um, I think we should get a more
basic, no-nonsense beverage.

Hey.

Maybe we should all just drink
sensible portions of milk.

I love him.

It's just, this campaign
has turned fun, dorky Ben

into grumpy stress-ball Ben.
Hmm.

It's like dealing
with a strict mother

who I am confusingly
attracted to.

Hmm.
Ben is like a MILF.

You just need to
blow off some steam.

And he should just get that.
Yeah.

You're Leslie Knope.
Right. That's...

No one takes this more
seriously than you do.

Totally.
Tell me about it!

Yes!

Tequila sh*ts?
No!

Nice!

To Knope 2012.

Ahh.

Ding-dong.

Hello, Lady Knope.
I mean, Leslie Knope.

Hey.
Oh. Hey, Ben.

Where are you?

I am in the house,
watching TV right now.

I'm watching...
m*rder, She Wrote.

m*rder, She Wrote. I'm
watching m*rder, She Wrote.

Amazing news. Buddy Wood's
flight was delayed.

So, if we can get to the airport
right now, the interview is back on.

What? Wow.

What could be
wrong with that?

Nothing. Anyway, here comes me.
See you at the airport.

Great. I'll see you
there as soon as possible.

Okay, We-

The interview is back on.

Whoo! Yes!

I know. We are so drucky.
I mean lunky.

Okay. Both the cabs
in this town are busy,

but I still have
eight hours of rental time

on that hot tub
limousine that I got

for your campaign event
and it's on its way.

That's smart.
You're smart.

Diddly-diddly,
diddly-diddly, swag.

You did it right!
I did it right!

Thirty-three hours.

Okay, look. This interview
is a big deal, you guys.

This is a game changer. Okay?
I have to do well.

Listen. Let's do
a practice interview.

Big idea, Ann.
And see how you do.

Let's go.

Leslie,
in your humble opinion... What?

Why are you
from Russia?

I don't know.

Hey, Ron is the guy
l wrote about

for that paper on
positive male role models.

Oh, yeah. That was one of
your most readable papers.

According to Andy,
you're quite the feminist.

I don't consider
myself an anything-ist,

but my life has been shaped
by powerful women.

My father once told my mother that
woman was made from the rib of Adam

and my mom broke his jaw.

My Uncle Lon
once tried to...

Is that Chris?

Yeah, it really
looks like him.

But there's no way to know for sure.
We should ask him tomorrow.

Hey.

April Ludgate.

Why are you here,
eating alone?

I'm not. I'm surrounded by friends.
Friends I don't know yet.

And I'm engrossed
in this book.

It's the true story of a woman
born with no arms and no legs

who attempted to swim
the English Channel.

That's impossible.

Oh, she drowned
immediately.

It's kind of
a sad story.

Cool.

I'm over there with people you actually
know, if you want to come join us.

Thank you.

Bye, friend.
Bye.

I'm sorry, Marcus. I'm
going to have to cancel our bath.

Something interesting is happening.
I'm going to watch it.

I don't know, Marcus. I'll hit
you up when I hit you up.

Wow. I feel totally normal.
I'm ready to do this.

Thank you for accommodating
us on such short notice.

Hey. For Leslie Knope? Anytime.

Just let me know if you need
anything else, all right?

Thanks, Paul. Hey, you
got those new ID badges.

They finally
upgraded us.

Security swipe
and everything.

Look at that.

Sorry.
Yeah.

Hey, thanks again
for fighting for them.

Helpy to hop out.

Leslie Knope.
Buddy Wood.

Buddy Wood.

Glad you could make it.
Glad you could make it.

Thank you so
much for being here,

and welcome to the
greatest city in the world.

Oh, I'm sorry.
You were being serious.

We're setting up
over there.

Found a small piece of carpet
without a horrifying smellscape.

I'll be right there.

Hey, do I seem
normal to you?

Like, does everything seem fine?
Yeah, yeah. You seem fine.

I seem okay?
Uh-huh.

I don't seem distracted
or babbly or anything?

No, it's great. So,
you're going to do great.

You're going to do smart.
What's that?

Look who I found.
Hey.

Professor Linda, this is
Chris. Chris, this is...

Professor Linda, it is a
genuine pleasure to meet you.

Oh.You as well.

Hi, there. Would you like
to hear our specials?

No need. Porterhouse,
rare, quickly.

Same.

I'll have the spinach salad. What
kind of dressings do you have?

Oh. Linda, in case you're interested,
I brought my own dressing.

You really
can't be doing that.

Look, this is the last time.
I promise.

It contains
extra virgin olive oil,

a little bit of lemon
and a hint of turmeric.

Sounds great.

Pawnee, Indiana. Home to the
Sweetums Candy Corporation,

nineteen toxic waste
repositories and not much else,

this sleepy mini-metropolis
is the site

of a fascinating
City Council race.

Joining us today is one of the
candidates, Leslie Knope.

Leslie,
welcome to Good Morning.

It's my pleasure.

Thank you for
being on my show.

Leslie, we're here at the
Pawnee Municipal Airport,

which, I must add,
is rather decrepit.

Well, I'm glad
you mentioned it.

It is in desperate
need of refurbishments,

and that is why I am going to make
it a centerpiece of my platform.

Okay.

Take Joe Appledemas
over there.

Hello.
Joe, say hi.

Joe has been
working here since 1996

and his salary has not
been raised a nickel.

I am going to work
very hard to change...

Okay. This airport seems,
to me, like a metaphor.

Are you familiar
with the term?

Pawnee's airport is
symbolic of the town.

Out of touch.
Out of date, perhaps.

Lost, insignificant
and sad.

Your thoughts.

Well, granted, we don't
have big city amenities.

But I think we more
than make up for it

with friendly faces
and hand-working hards.

Hard-working hands.

If you say so. I say it's sad.
Moving on.

Oh, my God.
If they got together,

they would make the most
beautiful super-baby.

It would rule us all.

But what if super baby
became too powerful?

I guess we'll just have
to take that chance.

Chris got dumped
by Jerry's daughter.

He needs this.

Plus, if they get married he'll
spend all his time with her

and I might never have
to talk to him again.

Hmm.

Professor Linda, you
have really nice arms.

Do you work out?

I was going to say
the exact same thing.

But I didn't want
you to think that

I was objectifying
you with my male gaze.

May I see?
Oh, sure.

Oh, my good gracious.

You have extraordinary
caput laterale.

Thank you.

There is nothing more important
than physical health.

I agree.

Kendra.
Yes.

You know what? I am going to
have that third steak after all.

Go ahead and put that order in now.
Please and thank you.


Your campaign hit a snag of
sorts with the revelation

that you and your boss,
Ben Wyatt,

were having
une affaire de coeur.

Affair of the heart.

Well, I've discussed
that many times,

and there's really
nothing more to say.

I would rather
talk about the ways

to solve problems
in this town.

Good luck with that.

But getting back to your
affair with Ben Wyatt,

who's now your
campaign manager...

Buddy, frankly, I don't
want to discuss that.

But if you'd like, we can talk about
ways that I can improve the airport

or our many
wonderful parks.

I don't. I'd like to talk
about you and Ben Wyatt.

Uh-oh.
I know that look.

She's got the crazy eyes.

Well, like I said, I don't
want to discuss it, Buddy.

And frankly, I don't appreciate
your condescending tone.

But you know what? I've had a
couple of drinks, so what the hell.

Ben and I first...

I'm sorry. Ms. Knope,
are you inebriated?

What? No. Preposterous.
Are you inebriated?

That was bad timing.

This is a Buddy Wood first.

An exclusive interview with potential
City Councilwoman Leslie Knope,

who appears to be drunk
right now on camera.

I am not drunk.

Yes, when you have
a jumbo margarita

and some flaming tequila
sh*ts, you can get drunk.

Is it this sad, pathetic town
that makes you drink this way?

This interview is over.

Okay. Ms. Knope.

This is not because I'm drunk.
This is because of the wires.

A fitting end to
a bizarre interview

and a sad moment in a
depressing city with no hope,

in the waning moments
of the bitter saga

that has been
a contentious campaign.

Come on, Buddy
You cannot air that tape.

Are you kidding?

This is as great for me
as it is terrible for you.

The sheep that watch my show are
going to eat this up like tiramisu.

Tiramisu is
an Italian dessert...

I know what
tiramisu is, okay.

And sheep
don't eat it.

Sorry, but
tomorrow morning,

this gets broadcast around
the entire Indiana-sphere.

Thank you for celebrating the
most ultimate triumph of my life.

I am very proud of me.

And you are, too.

And, Professor, I'm taking
your class again next semester

and I'm going to
lock down that P plus.

It's impossible.

You and the women taught me
that nothing is impossible.

I better be going.
I have to get up early.

Goodbye.

I'm teaching a morning
Zumba class for retirees.

Before I do, Linda, do
you enjoy land kayaking?

It's quite fun. Well, it's
more grueling than fun.

But I would love
to take you.

I'm really flattered, but I
just got out of a relationship,

and I think I need a little more
time before I jump into anything.

Of course. I understand.
I'm sorry.

I appreciate your caution.
Thank you.

I hope to see
you again.

Goodbye, everyone.

Anybody want to go to J.J.'s
for some after-dinner omelets?

Or how about you and I
go back to my place?

Yes.

Wow!

Ben, I am so sorry.

Let's just focus
on the problem.

Now, if we don't stop that interview
from airing in the morning,

this campaign is dead.

So, we have to go
to Indianapolis.

And do what?

I don't know, Tom.

I guess we'll just set fire
to the studio or something.

That's so sweet.
I've never had a boyfriend

thr*aten to commit
arson for me before.

Uh, it gets old.

We still have six hours rental
time on the hot tub limo.

We could take that. No one
will have to drive all night.

That's actually
a good idea.

Plus, it allows for the possibility
of high-speed skinny dipping.

Ann, I was joking.
Come on. It was a joke.

Oh, okay, that's funny.

Where are we going, folks? Drive
around, hit the strip clubs?

Yeah!
No.

We're going to this
address in Indianapolis.

Really?
Yeah.

You know, no one's ever used this hot
tub limo for actual transportation.

I can't take this thing
on the highway,

so it will take
a few extra hours.

Hey, is this a seven or a one?

Jerry.

Jerry.

Maybe you should wrap it up.
It's 4:00 in the morning.

Is it really?
Yeah.

Oh, my gosh. Wow. Well,
that flew by, huh?

I will just take these down to
the post office and put the...

Jeez. Oh, no.

I put the handout fliers
in the mailing envelopes.

And I was supposed to put these
fliers in the envelopes.

Oh, my God.

Well, you know,
it's like I always say.

It ain't government work if you
don't have to do it twice.

Here we go!

I'll make some coffee.

Hey, you're
blocking my driveway.

Leslie Knope? What are you doing?
Hi, um...

Mr. Wood, I'm so sorry.

Oh, my God. I can't see.
It's so bright out here.

We drove here
to ask you...

No, to beg you to
please destroy that tape.

Yeah, I got your
50 messages.

Leslie was just out with her
friends blowing off some steam.

What?

Please. Please. Please, please, please.
That's five pleases.

As much as I
enjoy the groveling

I can't destroy the tape
because I don't have it.

Because your sad, tiny,
backwater airport lost my bags.

Oh, really?

You'd think a commuter
airport could handle

the luggage of
11 people at once,

but apparently not.

Completely
ruined a great story.

Thank God for that mitten
factory tragedy. Yeah.

Okay. Great.
Okay.

Then, we should... Let's... Goodbye.
We're going to go.

Ah, screw it.

Fun Ben lives.

April, Andrew,
good morning to you both.

Donuts. Go nuts.

Hey. You kids need any money?
No.

Go buy yourself a Walkman How
much is a Walkman nowadays?

Probably more than $20.
Here's $25.

Hey, guys. I just
wanted to come by

and thank you for
a phenomenal evening.

Yeah. Seems like we all had
a phenomenal evening.

And I should probably thank you
for introducing me to Linda.

I think we had a deep emotional
connection that is very worth exploring.

So, I'm going to ask her out again,
once she's emotionally ready.

Hey, Ron. Great red shirt.

Dude, Ron, you have to
tell him what happened.

Why? It's none of his business.

Because he's been
super sad lately.

Kind of seems like you should
at least give him a heads-up

so he doesn't
get rejected again.

I like to not get involved in these
matters, or any matters, of any nature.

You know, Ron,
someone once told me

that this is not how grownups
deal with tough situations.

We face them head-on.

Fine.

Oh, my God, Ron. It was
you who told me that.

That's crazy.

There's that shirt.

Look, Chris.
After the bar last night

I engaged in consensual
activities with Linda.

I see.

I didn't plan it,
but it occurred.

Now you know.

Well, thank you for being
forthright and telling me.

You're a good man, Ron.

I'm quite lonely.

They say
to win an election,

you have to be good
and you have to be lucky.

I got pretty damn
lucky when I met Ben

And I'm lucky that Ann and Tom
and all my other friends

volunteered
to help me out.

And I'm super lucky
that that tape disappeared.

I think we may have used up
all our luck tonight.

Actually, not all of it.

He's about to get lucky.

It's on.

He doesn't even
know it yet.

Hey.
Hey, sweetheart.

I'm not sure you're
even aware of this,

but we have now gone 48 hours
without breaking up.

Shattering our
previous record.

That's not bad.

To celebrate...

Oh, please don't Whatever
this is, I don't want it.

Just a little 48-hour
anniversary gift.

Okay.

Condoms.
48 of them.

A different flavor
for each hour.

Yeah. We're not dating anymore.
Okay? Get out.

No. Wait. Don't punish
me I took a risk. Yeah.

Yeah. Bye.
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