Is the coast clear?
What are you wearing?
My sneak-around clothes.
Is he gone?
Yeah, he's gone.
Come in.
You gotta see this.
Tom and I have been seeing
each other for a few weeks,
and... I think I'm ready
to say, "I love you"...
To his apartment.
I... love you so much.
Look at all these blankets.
One on the ottoman,
one on the chair,
one on the couch...
here, feel.
Holy hell, that's soft.
Oh, my God, is that...
Yep! A whole shelf
of coconut water.
I think I'm gonna cry.
This is like girl heaven.
Did he do all this
just for you?
No! He just lives like this.
He's deeply in debt,
but you know what? Who cares!
'Cause check it out.
Cheese plate
and Adriatic figs.
Leslie, this is always here.
I don't know when he has time
to make it.
Boutique eye cream,
unisex cologne,
lip exfoliator,
chocolate-covered almonds,
and a Sudoku book...
just amenities everywhere!
- I love amenities.
- I know!
Check this out.
It's the best part.
80 degrees.
Night and day.
Look at this one.
There's another soft one.
Ohh.
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
Councilman Pillner,
could I have a moment?
Make it quick.
In his seminal
2009 documentary,
filmmaker Ken Burns describes
the national park system
as a America's best idea.
- Way quicker.
- Okay.
Well, but you should watch
that documentary.
Now I realize that you're
drafting the new city budget,
and I've heard
that you're planning on
reducing the parks funding
by 8%.
Councilman Pillner,
that cannot happen.
I've gotten to know
the city councilmen pretty well
because of my campaign.
If you hear any of them
talking about that
"blonde pain in the ass,"
that's a-me.
Leslie, that budget
is all but finalized.
I love building ships
in bottles.
When the ship is done,
I put a cork in it,
put it on the shelf,
and I move on.
Hold that cork, sir...
'Cause I'm about to put
an adorable face
on your proposed cuts.
Meet Melody Sternway.
She's enrolled in five
of our parks programs.
Our department
is the only thing
between her and a life
of tube tops and tribal tattoos
and barfing in hot tubs.
Please.
Okay, you got me.
I'll find the cuts
somewhere else.
Good morning, everyone!
I'm April Ludgate and I will be
filling in for Leslie
while she runs for office.
So the new emergency protocol
for the Parks department
can be found in your binders.
What exactly is the chain
of command vis-a-vis
on-site response?
You know what,
why don't we just say that
whoever gets
to the emergency first
will be in charge?
Okay, so if there's
an expl*si*n, say,
in Ramset Park and someone
from Sewage gets there first,
they'd be in charge?
I had no idea
how terrible Leslie's job is.
She referred to this meeting
as a nonstop thrill ride.
I'm not quite sure,
but Tom can answer that if...
What are you doing?
Just bouncing some business
ideas off Russell Simmons
on Twitter.
Why?
All due respect, miss Ludgate, do you
even know what you're doing here?
All due respect,
Mr. hamster penis,
but no, I don't.
- My last name is Guiles.
- Are you sure?
Because you look like
a hamster penis.
What about a cologne
that can k*ll spiders?
Ron Swanson, it is my pleasure
to inform you
that you are a finalist
for the job
of Assistant City Manager.
Chris,
I feel I should remind you
that I do not believe
that the position or the entire
government should exist.
That said, you'd be a fool
not to pick me.
I will walk deeper
into the belly of the beast
if it means I'm able
to further limit
reckless government spending.
I mean, I have so many ideas.
Some are simple
like "take down traffic lights"
and "eliminate
the Post Office."
The bigger ones
will be tougher,
like "bring all of this
crumbling to the ground."
There is one more step
in the vetting process.
You and I will embark
on a quick session
of heart rate meditation,
focusing on conscious breathing
and opening the heart chakra.
I'm not sure
I'm interested in that.
No, I am sure.
I am not interested in that.
Ron, you and I are
very different people,
and we have often been
at odds.
It is crucial that you and I
spend a day spiritually engaged,
and consider what it would
really mean to work together.
Trust me, you'll love it.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Oh, wear your yoga pants.
Okay, I really wish
we would've
talked about this first.
What could possibly
be wrong
about me saving
the Parks department budget?
I don't know.
That's the point.
You're thinking like
a Parks department employee,
not a city council candidate.
You're in a campaign
literally.
Everything you do right now
is politics.
Oh, really?
Is this politics?
Ow.
What is...
what is that?
- What... why did you do that?
- I'm in a good mood.
Because the city councilor
listened to me.
It means I have some juice.
Look, this might be
a good thing.
But there's a reason
we strategize
- before we make decisions.
- Okay.
Okay. I'll make some calls,
see where we are.
- Enjoying the view.
- What is going on?
I'm just really into you.
Gimme a spin, baby.
I hate doing Leslie's job.
I'm filling in for a person
who smiles 90% of the time.
Tom, can you please help me?
Please?
Or just do it?
Come on, lil sparkle.
Don't give up.
What does Leslie always say?
I don't know,
weird stuff about waffles.
She says, "you get out
of a job what you put into it."
You just need to find a project
you're passionate about.
For instance,
I was incredible
at naming drinks
at the Snakehole Lounge
because I care a great deal
about signature beverages.
The Beer-yonce Knowles.
It's just a regular beer,
but we put it in a sexy-ass mug.
Pairs nicely
with the Jay-zima.
We bought a bunch of zima
when the factory shut down.
That sounds fun.
Maybe I should work at a bar.
Come on, there must be
some aspect of this job
you care about.
Hello.
Here are some papers
Leslie requested.
- These are blank.
- Weird.
As long as I'm here,
can I ask you a question?
Did you ever participate
in meditation with Chris?
Oh, yeah.
When we dated,
he made me do it every week.
- What am I in for here?
- Okay, here's the deal.
It's crazy boring,
it lasts forever,
you're gonna
wish you were dead.
Do you wanna borrow
my yoga pants?
Hey.
So did Pillner finalize
the budget?
Are we okay?
- We are the opposite of okay.
- What do you mean?
To keep the money in Parks,
they're gonna shut down
the Westside animal shelter.
The money had to come
from somewhere,
and the shelter is on
its last legs.
So... they're closing it
at the end of the week.
That's where Champion
came from.
What will happen
to all the other animals?
- Well, they'll be...
- Fine.
No.
They'll be...
No!
Guys.
Apparently, Leslie Knope
wielded her insider influence
and got Councilman Pillner
to save her precious
department,
even though it meant
closing the shelter.
Now I am not saying that
Leslie Knope is a dog m*rder*r,
per se, I just think that her
actions raise some questions.
Like, for example,
is she a dog m*rder*r?
God.
Well, I don't know the answer
to that, Jennifer,
but your tone makes me think...
Yes.
Say your good-byes,
Pebble...
'Cause "Weswie" Knope
gonna k*ll you.
She got the perfect puppy
for that sh*t.
She is good.
Leslie, there is a woman
on the phone
that says her daughter's scared
to go to sleep
because Leslie Knope's going
to come m*rder her kitty.
- Okay, we can fix this.
- Yes, we can.
Tomorrow morning,
we are going back to Pillner
and telling him to cut
the Parks budget.
No, no, no, no.
We can figure
something else out.
Leslie!
Hey, honey, good morning.
How did you sleep?
I adopted 32 cats and dogs.
Do you want pancakes?
- I'm gonna make pancakes.
- Is that a pig?
- What? Which one?
- Is that a pig?
You talking about this one?
This one right here?
Yes, that is a pig.
This is the best
meditation center in the area.
It doesn't look like much.
Actually, this strip mall
has surprisingly decent chi.
Although, the smells from
the Greek restaurant next door
are not ideal.
But through this door
lies a deep, serene quietude.
Excuse me, ladies.
On your right.
After you, Ron.
Now... take in the vibe
of the room
and remain open of mind
and of spirit.
Now quietly...
sit behind me
and let's join breath.
- I'll stand.
- Interesting technique.
Andy, look at this little guy!
He's such a little runt.
Hey, there.
Hey, Tom, look.
Oh, I just had five cats on me
at once!
You wanna come in here
and try to break my record?
That's okay, Andy, I think
I'm gonna keep my distance.
Don't want none
of that animal dander
interacting
with this cashmere.
What's your endgame here,
my dear?
This is only temporary
until I find a way
to keep the shelter open
without cutting
the Parks budget.
Hey, what if I threw together
a pet adoption
in one of our parks...
would that be cool?
April, that would be
the coolest thing
since 'N Sync, Aerosmith,
and Nelly performed together
at the Super Bowl
halftime show.
Ew.
I think I may have found
a project
I'd actually enjoy doing...
helping these cats and dogs.
They should be rewarded
for not being people.
I hate people.
I'm very proud of you,
April.
Meanwhile, you and I are gonna
look at the town budget
and we're gonna find
something expendable.
Hey, Ben, the pig ate
your noise-canceling headphones.
Pigs are awesome!
All told, we were in there
about six hours.
And no,
I was not meditating.
I just stood there,
quietly breathing.
There were no thoughts
in my head whatsoever.
My mind was blank.
I don't know what the hell
these other crackpots are doing.
Jerry, the puppies are going
to the bathroom everywhere.
We can't let people see that.
I need you to continuously
clean out the cages, okay?
- You got it, boss.
- Thank you.
Donna, did you put the info
sheets on all the cages?
- Last one.
- Great.
Each animal has a photo,
special talents,
and a personal history...
That I made up.
A lot of these dogs have rescued
people from burning buildings.
This one helped Ray Charles
around.
What?
This cat was in Boogie Nights?
- Hi. You like this little guy?
- He's so cute.
I know.
All the animal are up-to-date
on their sh*ts.
- And I think he likes you.
- He's pretty awesome.
Did you know
his great-grandfather
was Spuds Mackenzie?
What do you think, sweetie?
Do you wanna take him home?
Yes, please.
Realistically,
I'm guessing we dropped
three to five points
in the polls.
This late in the game,
it's k*ller.
And that's a dog biscuit.
Andy put them on the table
'cause he wanted to try
to have the dogs play poker.
Okay, Leslie,
we are out of time.
- We have to go back to them.
- Oh, my God!
This is it.
Hmm.
Oh, for God's sake, Leslie.
There's just not enough money
to do all the things
you wanna do.
You're trying to fit
two ships into one bottle.
Take it from me,
you can't do that.
Okay, just look at this.
There are three employees
designated as D1,
or on retainer.
Public Works is still
paying them
even though they haven't worked
in two years.
It's an oversight.
We get rid of them
and we have just enough money
to keep the animal shelter
operating
while still maintaining
the Parks budget.
Interesting.
Looks like we found
a bigger bottle.
I know you're just
making a joke,
but using a bigger bottle
would be considered cheating
by most of our major
trade publications.
FYI.
Ron, you've radiated
mindfulness.
What were you thinking about?
- I wasn't thinking at all.
- Incredible.
It takes a ton of work
for me
to get to that kind of
a clear head space,
no matter how hard I try.
Don't try so hard.
Don't try... so hard.
Ron, I'm going to try
your "not trying" method
right here, right now.
Chris, wait.
I know this crap
is important to you,
so I should come clean.
I got nothing
out of that experience at all.
So if you're looking for someone
who enjoys meditation...
Oh, I didn't expect you
to enjoy it.
My one reservation about you
as a co-worker
was that you seem inflexible.
And merely by agreeing
to an activity you're not
interested in,
you showed flexibility.
Ron, you've got the job.
- You wanna head back?
- I do.
But first, there's a hot,
spinning cone of meat
in that Greek restaurant
next door.
I don't know what it is, but
I'd like to eat the whole thing.
Why is it so dead?
Where is everyone?
Don't give up yet.
There's a few minutes left.
Is this where we drop off
our unwanted cats?
- No. It's the opposite.
- Okay.
I'm just gonna put these here
for a second.
And then, uh...
We ended up with more animals
than we started with.
This is what happens
when you try.
All of these animals
are gonna die.
God!
I hope you're happy,
stupid people
in this stupid town!
Hey!
Hey, you!
Get back here and get your
[Bleep] cats out of there!
Do you think
Barack and Michelle Obama
feel like this
at the end of the day?
Probably.
I mean, I don't know how else...
wait a second.
Is that...
so am I Michelle?
Hey, how is everyone?
- Great!
- Pretty good.
We saved the animal shelter
and the Parks budget.
That's great news.
Let me guess.
You found room in other parts
of the budget somewhere?
Totally.
Got rid of a bunch of lame-ass
D1's from Public Works.
Awesome news.
Hey, you know what else
is pretty neat,
is thanks to you,
councilman Pillner
went through the budget
and decided that
not just Public Works
but all D1's will be terminated
in two weeks.
- I'm getting fired.
- Ba-what now?
Oh! Councilman Houser...
I was just looking for you.
I have found my assistant
city manager.
You wanna guess who it is?
It's Ron Swanson!
I'm sorry.
I should've let you guess.
I'm just so excited.
I'd put a pin in this
for now.
Why?
Why pin it?
The council vote
is three to two
in favor of another term
for you.
But one of the yes votes
is retiring.
If Bobby Newport wins,
he's gonna try to bring in
his own guy.
Why would he do that?
He's not exactly thrilled
you've been volunteering
for the Knope campaign
in your spare time.
Sorry, Chris.
If Newport wins...
You're gone.
I just need one more week.
- And then I think...
- Sorry, could you please...
Be careful?
Oh, I am always careful.
We're good.
If I could just get
a little bit more time,
I could figure out
how to fix this.
Unfortunately, I cannot
give you any more time.
With due respect...
Leslie, I am retiring
at the end of this term,
so I've been fine
with you guys
pushing me around
on this budget thing.
But if you're ever
gonna hold this job,
there's something you need
to understand.
City Council isn't about
making everybody in town happy.
In fact,
every decision you make
is gonna make a lot of people
very unhappy.
We play with live a*mo
around here.
Now I'm gonna close the book
on this budget draft
by the end
of the business day.
So if you can find some way
out of this mess by 5:00 P.M.,
you let me know.
- Thank you.
- That's fair.
I did it!
I got it out.
Oh, geez.
You don't take the ship out.
Here you go.
Chris! Great news!
I found a way to reduce
government spending by 85%.
Here's a hint...
no more departments.
Ha, that crazy
and impractical plan
may have to wait.
Turns out that Bobby Newport,
if he beats Leslie,
is going to appoint
his own city manager.
So I may have
offered you a job
that I have no authority
to offer.
- I'm so so sorry.
- Well, that is disappointing.
But don't worry about me.
I'll be fine.
Oh, I know.
I mean, in the grand scheme
of things, who cares?
We're all just molecules,
floating around
in random patterns...
Devoid of meaning.
Well, I'll see you
when I see you.
I'm a rolling stone.
- Peace.
- Stop.
Have a seat.
We did things your way,
now we're gonna do it my way.
Prepare to experience
true freedom and bliss.
Oh, maybe I should just go
back to being a nurse full-time.
No, I will not let you return
to a life of shaving wieners
and dodging Kn*fe att*cks
from meth heads.
Right.
Okay, what are you gonna do?
Well, either you get fired,
the Parks budget shrinks,
or the animal shelter's
gotta go.
Or we find money
somewhere else.
Okay, Leslie,
there is nowhere else.
This is a town budget,
not a bottomless trust fund.
Okay?
Money doesn't just appear
out of nowhere.
- Shh. Stop talking.
- What?
Shh.
I have half an idea
and I'm putting it together.
- Okay.
- Hey!
- Do you wanna...
- Heh.
- I'm...
- No!
- Do you?
- Unh. Shh.
Okay, now I have
a complete idea.
Ben, I'm going to commit
political su1c1de.
Hey, it's me. Tommy!
- Hi!
- I'm not here.
April.
Swear on my
great-great-grandmother's grave
I'm not here.
I'm gonna come in
for a second.
Can you just
leave me alone?
Why so glum,
sugar plum?
Um, I don't know.
Maybe because I worked so hard
on that dumb pet adoption
and I failed.
That's why it's stupid
to work hard.
Let me show you something.
Because you worked hard,
this little terribly-dressed
girl has a puppy.
And this little puppy
has a home.
If Leslie's taught me anything,
it's that yes,
98% of the time,
this job is frustrating
and you hit brick walls.
But the other 2%,
it's stuff like this kid.
And that puppy.
What... what is that photo?
That must come preloaded
in there or something.
- Oh, my God.
- See you at work tomorrow?
Fine.
All right.
Bye, pups!
Bye, little piggies!
I don't usually poison my body
with dark alcohol,
but this whiskey is...
excellent!
Nectar of the gods.
Well, I should get
back to my office.
As long as I have one.
Chris, I'm not one
for positive thinking
or visualization
or meditation
or really anything in the world
that you believe in.
But you might consider
the upside of losing your job.
For example?
You would no longer be
a government parasite,
sucking the lifeblood from
honest, hardworking people.
Instead, you'd contribute
to society like a man.
That's just one way
it might be good.
I'm sure there are others.
I'm sure there are.
Uh-oh. You look serious.
What's on the agenda?
Just one item, Jennifer.
You're going to announce
that Bobby Newport will use
his personal fortune
to save the animal shelter.
No.
No, that's...
that's, um...
that is a great idea.
In fact, I don't know why
I hadn't thought of it already.
Damn it.
Damn it!
I swear the air in this town
is k*lling my brain cells.
Actually, the water's not good
for you either.
You shouldn't drink
the tap water.
Has anyone told you that yet?
In exchange,
no more puppy k*ller ads
for the rest of the campaign.
- That's all we ask.
- Okay.
Well, what's to stop me
from just paying for the shelter
and still running the ads?
Because I told
councilman Pillner
that if you don't agree
to our terms,
he should cut
the Parks budget.
And we'll leak that
it was Leslie's decision
and yours seem
tough and fair,
what with sacrificing
her old apartment.
Okay, what's in it
for you?
A safe home for the animals,
a job for my friend,
and a full Parks budget.
I wasn't born yesterday.
You've gotta have an angle.
This is a home run for us!
We're gonna dominate
the news cycle for a whole week.
Well, you can have this week.
We'll take the next one.
Oh, yeah?
What makes you so sure?
Because in a week,
we have a debate.
And your guy Bobby Newport
is gonna have to show up,
and he's gonna
have to open his mouth.
And I'm gonna kick his ass.
She'll take care of that.
See ya next week!
How's my best buddy?
Just bought this.
Cranium. It's a board game.
Have you heard of it?
It is literally the most fun
I have ever had.
What do you say,
after work,
you, me, whiskey, wheatgrass,
Cranium?
- Ron?
- Chris?
Sorry, he's meditating.
He asked me to tell
anyone who comes in
that he wishes
to remain undisturbed
so as to better clarify
his head space.
Oh, God, Ron.
I am so sorry.
I'll let you get at it.
04x19 - Live a*mo
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Public officials in an Indiana town pursue a series of projects to make their city a better town.
Public officials in an Indiana town pursue a series of projects to make their city a better town.