04x21 - Bus Tour

[bunniefuu]

Okay, everybody.
Big, big news.

Leslie, would you
like to do the honors?

No, I think you
should deliver the news.

Yeah, but you're
the candidate.

Yeah, but you're the
brilliant campaign manager.

But you're the cutest.

I love you.
I love you, too.

Hey. Were you going
to tell us something?

Right, Oh, yeah.

The latest poll has us only two
points behind Bobby Newport.

Two points!

I know. You guys, we only have
one more day to close the gap,

and we are gonna do so
in a one-time campaign blitz

aboard the SS Knope.

This is going to be our
home for the next 24 hours.

And if we win, hopefully, it will be
the home that Ben and I share forever.

Uh, what? It was
just an idea I had.

We don't have to do it. Whatever.
We can talk about it.

Okay. Here we go.

We've come so far. I want
this so bad, I can taste it.

When I close my eyes,
I can picture

the flash of the cameras
at my swearing-in.

And I can hear the sound of the
applause when I take my oath.

And I can see,
in the crowd,

President Obama
smiling at me.

He made it. I didn't think he
would come, but he made it.

Hey, buddy.

A few days ago, on a routine
campaign stop in downtown Pawnee,

one Leslie Knope,
pause, was att*cked...

Play-

By a pie.

Luckily, it only hit Jerry,
so no damage was done.

Play. The only evidence we have
is the video sh*t by... Pause.

My wife,
April Ludgate.

This is Bert Macklin's
greatest assignment yet.

If you are watching,
perpetrator...

Just know that you
are still at large.

Okay, listen up, folks. We have
a security situation here.

As you know, when we
reach the location,

I will be conducting
a security sweep.

Also, from now on,
we'll be using code names.

You can address me
as Eagle One.

Ann, code name,
Been There, Done That.

April is
Currently Doing That.

Donna is It Happened
Once in a Dream.

Chris, code name,
If I Had to Pick a Dude.

Ben is...

Eagle Two.

Oh, thank God.

No, please.
Come on.

We have a problem.

The vans we rented to take senior
citizens to the polls tomorrow

are now, quote,
"No longer available."

What? I thought we locked those
vans down, like, a week ago.

Yeah, we worked really hard to get
those seniors back on our side

after that ramp debacle.
I really need their votes.

Okay, last second problems
like this always crop up.

But the team can handle it, right?
Right?

Right.
Yes.

Okay, so, Tom, go down there
and get those vans back.

I'll use my legendary
Haverford charm.

I have total faith in you.

Take Donna with you.
Ron, you go, too.

April, you are a very intelligent
and savvy young woman.

I do not think of you
as just a gofer.

But right now,
I need you to get me

a triple espresso
with eight sugars.

Okay.

I'm on it.
I'll go. I'm going.

Please, I can go.
I don't mind.

It's better than listening to her
stump speech for a millionth time.

No. I will do it. I have to do it.
I need to do it. Goodbye.

This has been a difficult
year for me, romantically.

Millicent Gergich, Ann
Perkins, Andy's professor.

Lots of disappointment.

But if I keep my body moving and
my mind occupied at all times,

I will avoid falling into
a bottomless pit of despair.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome

the next City Councilor of the great
city of Pawnee, Leslie Knope.

This is Eagle One. Been There,
Done That is leaving the stage.

I'd Be Lying If
I Said I Hadn't

Thought About It
is in position.

What do we want
for our city?

I'll tell you what I want.

I want better schools.

I want cleaner streets.

I want to expel the violent gangs
of geese in Detweiler Square.

And I will finally eliminate
this city's libraries.

In the last few weeks,
we've turned this campaign

into a well-oiled machine.

Leslie's stump speech is 10 minutes
and 40 seconds every time.

Here, check this out.

There will be
a big laugh right now.

And now, a two-second
awkward silence

after Leslie does her Rodney
Dangerfield impression.

I tell you, these geese
don't give me no respect.

No respect at all.

She insists on trying it
every time, and it never works.

But the rest of the
speech, fantastic.

When I was
building parks,

helping the community and putting
together the Harvest Festival,

where was Bobby?

He and his father,
Nick Newport,

were exploiting this city
for their personal gain.

Eating candy fed to
them by their butler.

Candy that was made by the
hardworking people of this town.

You deserve more.

Here's the best part. Watch
what happens when she says,

"Together, we can
build a better Pawnee."

Everybody says they
care about the issues,

but at the end of the day,
all anyone really wants

is free clothing sh*t
at them from a cannon.

I've been staring
at this board for days.

I'm so close to
putting it together.

There's got to be
something we missed.

Well, let's go
over this again.

The video shows that the pie
came from a high angle.

So, it would have
hit your face...

Like this.

Mmm-hmm.

Don't close your eyes.

No. No, it actually
was from up higher.

Is that about right?
Yeah.

Good. Clean yourself up.
Let's do this again.

I assumed
this was obvious,

but in the future,
I'd prefer

not to be a part of
any conversation

about which
body oil is best.

Lavender.
Toasted marshmallow.

Are you joking? I really can't
tell if you're joking right now.

Okay, I let you
have your sandwich,

but I don't wanna see any
shreds of meat on my floor.

I leave no meat behind.

It's an honor thing.
Can I have my shoes back?

Wait till you
exit the car.

I have to protect
my floor mats.

Yes, ma'am.

Okay, the stage is
all set, and we are

thirty seconds
ahead of schedule.

Thirty seconds
ahead of schedule.

Nice!

You guys synchronized
your watches, didn't you?

Yeah, well, it's not
much of a machine, Ann,

if the parts
aren't synchronized.

Yes.

While I was morally opposed
to the amount of sugar added,

I did get Leslie
her coffee,

and some green tea and Agave
in case she changes her mind.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No one
gets near Leslie without my say so.

Andy, it's me.

I messed up once, I have
to be extra-safe now.

You can always tell
when someone's lying

by looking into their eyes.
Let me look into your eyes.

Oh, my God,
they're beautiful.

Your story checks out.
Get out of here, kid.

Hey, Bill. Tom Haverford
from the Knope campaign.

Hey, you brought the whole
posse with you, huh?

I'm not changing my mind.

We already paid for
those vans, Mr. Butler.

$900 for one day.

Yeah, it was $900,
but now it's $10,000.

Excuse me?

The Newport campaign
offered me 10 grand

to just rent the vans
and park them somewhere,

so I'm gonna tear up your contract,
and I'm gonna take the money.

Anything else? No?

Great.

Well, what now?

He's just playing hardball Let me
tell you how it's gonna go down.

In a few minutes, we'll walk in
there, we'll give him our demands

and then, bam!
I start crying.

We need the vans so bad.

Please give us the vans. Please.
We need the vans.

And if elected, I promise to
stop the Newports and Sweetums

from blatantly dumping contaminants
into the Pawnee River.

Leslie, can you comment on
Bobby's father, Nick Newport?

Nick Newport has
been intimidating

and bullying and poisoning
this town for years.

Frankly, he's a real jerk.

And if he thinks he can buy this
election for his son, he's wrong.

Sorry. I meant,
can you comment

on Nick Newport
dying earlier today?

He d*ed?

I---

Sad.

Is that your official statement?
"I sad"?

No. My official statement is,

that is, overall, a bummer.

Oh.

And together, we can
build a better Pawnee.

No. This isn't the time.
No, guys.

Frankly, he's a real jerk.

Harsh words. But this reporter
does love those T-shirt cannons.

Now, Jen, what are your
thoughts about all of this?

This is not
a time for politics.

I am calling
on Leslie Knope

to cancel all of
her campaign events

out of respect for
the Newport family.

Anything else would
be a classless move.

On par with spray-painting
nipples on the Lincoln Memorial.

Okay, emergency meeting. I need
everyone to gather around me,

in order of how
much I trust them.

Here's the situation.
A man has d*ed.

But that man is 98 years
old, and he's an awful man.

However, he is a man,
and he d*ed.

Also, you called
the dead man a jerk.

However, he was a jerk.

He put a lot of
people out of work,

he had tons of mistresses,
he polluted this town.

Okay, Ben.
What do we do?

Okay. It's unfortunate,
but the stakes are too high.

We can't just stop campaigning.
We stop, we lose.

Good answer, great body.

Ann, try to b*at
what he said.

I'm not gonna b*at him.

Not with that attitude.

Okay, fine. I think
you should stop.

At least until you apologize
to Bobby in person.

April?
l wasn’t listening,

but I strongly
disagree with Ann.

Andy?

If the guy...

Okay.

I absolutely think that we
should keep campaigning.

The worst possible thing we
could do would be to stop.

Because if the campaign
stops, we all stop.

And stopping is certain death.
Who wants a panini?

Anyone? Everyone?
I'm gonna say everyone.

All right.

All right, Leslie.
What's your call?

Ann, there is nothing
harder in the entire world

than saying no to
your beautiful face.

But I'm going to. No. We're going
to keep campaigning. Okay?

But we're going to do it in
a classy and respectful way

to get Ann off
of our backs.

What's next
on the schedge?

If you let Newport have the vans,
they just sit there in a lot.

If you let us have the vans,
they drive around town all day.

Free publicity. Everyone
will see your logo.

Which is you all pressed up
on some chick with huge cans.

Yeah. It was
a hell of a day.

People need to
know about it.

And I don't need
free publicity.

I can just pay for it.

With my $10,000.

Look. I ain't going to
try to play a player.

You're trying to get beaucoup
bucks, just like the rest of us.

So, how about this?
I have a business idea

for a gourmet
alcoholic yogurt.

I call it Yogurt Platinum.

I'll let you in on
the ground floor.

And let me tell you, it's going to
be worth way more than 10 grand.

Yeah, but now that
I know your bad idea,

I can start
the company myself.

With my $10,000.

No, you can't
do that. Ron.

Tom, Donna, could you
please give us a moment?

I'd like to talk
to Bill man-to-man.

He's gonna steal
Yogurt Platinum.

No, I'm not.

5-15, 256. Got a 3-33.

Copy that.

Andy Dwyer.

Er... Bert Macklin.

Eagle One.

We need to see
your security plan.

This is a
elementary school.

My security plan is to
stand right here. Hmm.

Sounds good.

Looks like you
got this post.

You see anything suspicious, you
just let me know immediately.

Okay?
Nope

That's cool.

Dude, what are you doing?

Washing the bus.

I have something I need
to take my mind off of.

Do you need something?

Would you like to
give me something to do?

Please. Please,
April, please.

Hey!

Thank you, April.

When you're done, go get
Jerry another milkshake.

And then give it to me and I
will throw it on the bus again.

"We're all your friends," said Mr. Bacon.
"Welcome home." The end.

And that is
Groffle the Awful Waffle,

a book that I
wrote and published

on behalf of my
education initiative.

Any questions? Yes.

How did Groffle
cross the syrup river?

And why did you call
Mr. Newport a jerk?

Well, when I
called him a jerk,

I didn't know
that he had passed

into candy heaven.

Do you still
think he's a jerk?

And you didn't answer
the syrup question.

Well, I should not have
called Nick Newport a jerk.

Because we need to be
respectful of all dead people.

I mean,
not Stalin or h*tler,

but I'm not calling
Nick Newport h*tler.

Ms. Knope, I have a follow-up to what
I'm now deciding to call, "Jerk-gate."

Are there any other
deceased members of

Bobby Newport's family
you'd like to att*ck?

And quit ducking
the waffle question.

Did Groffle use
a boat of some kind?

All right. That's all the questions for now.
Thank you, everybody.

Are we to assume
that he swam

- across the syrup river?
- Miss Knope?

I am never going to get away
from these Nick Newport questions.

And it is very
clear in the book

that Groffle crosses the syrup
river on the butter bridge.

Well, maybe you
need to start acting

a little bit more
like Groffle the Waffle

when he was nice to
McDuffin the Muffin.

AKA Bobby Newport.

You guys need to apologize.
Stop campaigning.

Okay, fine.

We go to Bobby Newport,
you apologize...

Good.

And then, we leak the details to the
press, which restores your reputation

and buys us enough time
to finish the bus tour.

Nice.

No, that's not
a real apology.

It's just sneaky.
I don't like it.

Ann, for once,
this is not about you.

A man is dead.

Look, friend. I respect your slavish
devotion to the free market.

But you can't
welch on a contract.

Where I come from,
a man's word is sacred.

Okay. What's your stance on pinky
swears, George Washington?

I'm taking the money.

Fine. I'll match it.

I'll give you $10,000
for the vans. Deal?

No. Price has gone up.

Now it's $12,000.

What? Why?

Look, I own a fleet of
22 crappy white vans.

And for some reason,
there's a massive

bidding w*r
going on over them.

Now, for a guy whose only assets
are 22 crappy white vans,

it's pretty much
a dream scenario.

So I'm just gonna ride this
out, see where it takes me.

And now it's $15,000.

Okay. I talked
Newport's people

into giving us 10 minutes
alone with Bobby.

So, we get in there,
we apologize,

and then we get back
on the campaign trail.

Okay. How do we
leak this to the press?

Do we, like,
release a statement?

Do we call somebody?

I don't think that's
going to be a problem.

Oh, my God. Why are there
so many people here?

It's a trap. It's a trap!
We've got to get out of here.

It's a time for
solemnity and remembrance.

This is not
a time for politics.

Oh. LESLIE: Okay, will
you stop, please?

Turn the bus around.

Leslie Knope is driving her campaign
bus through a memorial service.

Back it up.
Back it up.

Okay, back up.
Back it up.

Just when we thought she
couldn't stoop any lower.

Go forward! Go forward!

I feel like he's
dying all over again.

Stop it.

Oh, no.

Hi.

Sorry. Are we late?

So, I hate to
bring this up again,

but I just want to make sure
that I'm going to get paid.

It was a handshake agreement
with Mr. Newport.

It was for
a lot of money.

Anyway, you can wire transfer it.
Anyway, sorry for your loss.

I can't believe you turned this
situation into a political sideshow.

Oh, come on. You guys were only
going to apologize for the press.

No way. That's not us.
You don't know us at all.

It's rude to say it.

We wouldn't
even think it.

Yeah, that's
a ridiculous claim.

We brought a "Sorry For Your
Loss" fruit basket for Bobby.

And it is very classy.
No melon, no apples.

You were going to use us, and we
just turned the tables on you.

'Cause I'm smarter
and faster.

That is not a judgment,
that's just a fact.

We're both just doing whatever
it takes to win. Right?

I love polka dots.
So cute.

I'm sorry. I should
have seen this coming.

And we should not have driven here
in a bus with your face on it.

No, it's my fault.

And you know what? Jen is right.
I'm no better than her.

No, Leslie.
Yes, you are.

All you need to do is stop
the machine for a second

and go apologize to Bobby.

Alone. Without cameras.

Thanks, Ann, but where was
that advice six hours ago?

That's not going to work.

I had to try.

April, I just got
Champion his dog food,

cleaned your house,
filed that paperwork,

you are officially
April Ludgate-Dwyer,

installed a smoke detector and
now I'm back. What's next?

Nothing, Chris. Just sit down
somewhere and stop bothering me.

I can't.

I've had a very tough year.

I can't stop thinking
about Ann and Millicent.

And if I'm alone with my
thoughts, I go to a dark place.

Okay. First of all,
dark places are awesome.

Secondly, Ann is kind of lame,
so way to dodge a b*llet.

And Millicent is Jerry's
daughter, so two b*ll*ts.

And you're not alone.
You've got...

Lots of friends somewhere.

I assume.

You're going
to be just fine.

Thank you.

You're right.

I'll be fine.

I'm not fine.
It didn't work.

Hey, Bobby.

Oh, hi.

Want to play bowling?

Why don't you play
with the real one?

Oh.

I like this one better.

The little guy
looks like me.

Hey, can we talk
for a second?

Look, I just wanted to say I'm
really sorry your dad d*ed.

And I'm really, really
sorry I called him a jerk.

That's okay.

He was, like,
a million years old.

And he was
kind of a jerk.

The only reason I did this
campaign was to impress him,

and he couldn't
have cared less.

You know, my mom was a great
athlete when she was a kid.

So, in junior high,
I joined the track team

to impress her.

Even though I hated it.

And at the end
of the year,

I ran the 5,000 meters
in this huge track event,

and I finished dead last.

And I thought she was going to
be really disappointed in me.

But she wasn't.
She ran up to me,

and she wrapped me
up in this big hug,

and she told me she had never
been more proud of me.

Thanks, Leslie.
That's a great story.

I'm not 100% sure
I get the point, but...

You finished
this race, Bobby.

The campaign is over,
and you finished.

Win or lose,

I bet you anything that
your dad was proud of you.

Now, I get it.
There you go.

Your mom and my dad
are both dicks.

There's no vans
within 50 miles.

And for some reason, no one
wants to lend me $10,000.

Even if we
had the dough,

that bunco artist would
just demand more. Trust me.

Don't move.

Let's just stay here for, like,
an hour and not let him out.

This isn't right. Our girl's worked hard.
We're so close.

I know he didn't
just hit my baby.

Hey! What the hell, guys?

Move!

All right. Y'all got
your seat belts on?

Did you see that? That son of
a bitch just rear-ended me.

Am I dead?

What the hell?

Exactly, Bill.

What the hell?

You just rear-ended me.

That is not
what happened.

But I've got witnesses.

Yeah. It went down
exactly the way

my girl said it did,
you mean, bald man.

Hey, what about you,
Mr. A-Man's-Word-is-Sacred?

Well, it is. But you're an ass....

So, we can
settle this now.

I will accept payment
in van rentals.

All right, let's go
to the video again.

Sweet kick.
Leslie exits the building.

And then,
you get hit.

What else do we know?

We know that Leslie was about
15 feet in front of you.

So, clearly, the assailant
has terrible aim.

Or...

Leslie wasn't the target.

Well, who, then?

Okay, that's
permanent marker.

Go find Ben. Get a list of
everyone he's ever fired. Go, go.

Macklin.

You son of a bitch.

A lot of people
have been asking me

how I feel about everything
that's happened today.

Well, let me tell
you a little story.

My dad was this amazing
athlete when he was a kid.

When l was
in junior high

I started doing track just to impress
him, even though I hated it.

At the end of the year,
I entered the 5,000 meters.

And I won.

It was awesome.

My dad wrapped me
in a big hug

and said he was
proud of me.

That's just a great story
that happened

between me and my dad
and nobody else.

We're dead. It's over.

That's my story.

Before I go, I want to
bring up a special guest.

Somebody who's been very
supportive and mega-cool today.

Leslie Knope,
will you come up here?

What?
Come on. Come up here.

Go, go, go.
Do it.

You know, Leslie's been
getting a lot of heat today.

But I want you all to know that
we talked person-to-person,

and she's really great.

People should stop
being so mean to her.

In fact, if you don't vote for me
tomorrow, you should vote for her.

Because she's super,
super awesome lady.

Leslie, we did it! Yeah!

Maybe we're not dead.

Chris, right?
Hi. I'm Jen.

Hello.

You know, there are 30
bedrooms in this house.

Bobby's in one. There's
a dead guy in another.

The rest are free.

What do you say?

Oh.

That is
very flattering.

But you're the opposition
campaign manager.

I couldn't
do that to Leslie.

Oh, for God's sake, Chris.
This campaign is over.

My job is done, and so is yours.
It's just sex.

I'm very good at it.

Okay.
Great. Let's do it.

Haven't got
all day, honey.

So, do you
think we're okay?

I mean, should we squeeze in
an extra rally or something?

I think we get out
while the getting's good.

Sewage Joe.

Ben Wyatt fired you for sending
pictures of your penis to everyone.

And you've come
hereto pie him.

Little twerp
has it coming.

Dude, I dare you.

Please. Give me one reason
to take you down.

I would love nothing...

Oh Ben, sorry.

All right. Let's go.

Uh-oh! I did it!

Yeah. Great job.

Ma'am, you have to get out of
your car before I can tow it.

Just give me a minute.

It's gonna
be okay, Michael.

Michael?

I named my car
Michael Fassbender

because they're both German,

and they're both
sexy as hell.

Sure.

Donna, I just wanna say I will never
forget that you did this for me.

I know it was
a great sacrifice.

What about my sacrifice?

I have post-traumatic stress.
My hands are shaking a little.

You almost lost me, Ron.

We were going
nine miles an hour.

Ma'am, please?

All right.

I'll come visit you tomorrow, Michael.
Stay sexy for mama.