04x22 - Win, Lose, or Draw

[bunniefuu]

I will certify the results

after all the
precints have reported.

A final tally within 1%

would trigger
an a*t*matic recount.

In the event
of an exact tie,

the seat is awarded
to the male candidate,

and the female candidate
is put in jail.

Once again,
I have to object.

I don't think
it would hold up in court,

but it is city law.

- Any questions?
- Yes, actually.

At the 11th hour the Newports
are trying to install

these voting machines
at several precincts

around town.

Watch what happens
when I vote for Bobby Newport.

Good choice.

Enjoy a voucher
for a complimentary

Sweetums candy bar.

Shouldn't we be rewarding
our citizens for voting?

I'm never against anyone
getting a candy bar,

but watch what happens
when you vote for me.

Are you sure?
Take a second and think it over.

Then you have
to press it again.

To cancel your vote and select

someone better,
press the Sweetums logo.

I'm sorry.
I just don't see the problem.

Bobby Newport and I
are separated

by a razor-thin margin.

Could go either way.

I've only slept nine hours
over the past four days,

so I'm right on the verge
of a nervous breakdown.

This isn't a bagel.

Party starts at 7:00

in the historic
Jermaine Jackson Ballroom

at the Pawnee Supersuites.

It is no longer
"A Pimps n' Hoes" pajama party.

That idea was nixed
by a certain uptight nerd

who shall remain nameless.

By 10:00, we should know
if Leslie won the election,

but more importantly,
tonight,

Last night
at approximately 2:30 A.M.,

I woke up from
a dream that felt so real

that it had to be
a premonition.

Me, Drake,
and the T-mobile girl

were playing baccarat
on a private jet.

Ann Perkins walks up to me,
and she says,

"Tommy, tomorrow night,
I'm taking you back."

Then Blue Ivy Carter high-fived
me and gave me $40 million.

It was all so real.

The reason why Bobby and I
are appearing together

is to send the message that
everyone should get out and vote

no matter
who they're voting for.

That's right.
Another awesome point by Leslie.

That's why I'm voting for you.

What's so funny?

They're laughing
at your joke.

What joke?

I am voting for you.

You're not voting
for yourself?

Leslie, you can't vote for
yourself, I don't think.

I'm pretty sure that's illegal.

Anything else?

Hey,
you did an unbelievable job

on this campaign, Ben.

My partners back in Washington
think so too.

Well, Leslie gets the credit.
Not me.

Look.

Your opponent
is legendarily stupid

and I phoned it in pretty hard,
but you have a knack for this.

I'm running congressman Murray's
reelection bid.

Ohio, 19.

I need someone
to coordinate out of D.C.

You want to do it?

Yeah, that sounds great,
but the Pacers called,

and they're asking me to be
their starting point guard.

I'm being serious, Ben.

What?

What, you trust me with
a congressional campaign?

Is this a trick?

No.
This is a job offer.

Give me your answer soon.

I need you in Washington
in two days.

Look at that thing.
What is that?

Don't touch it.

Ann Perkins.

Can I ask your
advice on something?

Sure.

Recently
in a moment of weakness,

I had sex with Bobby Newport's
campaign manager

Jennifer Barkley.

Seriously?

Yes. Several times.

And then several more times.

And then
a couple more times.

And then one more time.

How has this been going on?

Oh, it was just last night.

Now, I know
it's a one-night stand

and that she's leaving town,

but our ferocious
sexual decathlon

did radically improve my mood.

And I kind of like to see
her again before she leaves.

Good idea? Bad idea?

I don't know.

I guess
the campaign's over, so...

I suppose it couldn't hurt.

Ann Perkins.

April!
Got your message.

Where are you?

Under the table.

Why are you hiding?

Should I hide too?
What's going on?

I was supposed to copy
all the department files

onto a thumb drive,
and it kept freezing,

and I got annoyed,
and I don't know what happened,

but all the files are gone
on every computer.

They're all gone.
Babe, they're all gone.

Okay, okay.
Calm down.

First of all,
you did the right thing

by hiding under this table.

Secondly, your man is here.

I'm gonna take care
of this for us.

I've been playing Xbox
for years.

I'm really good at fixing it
when it freezes.

I know exactly what to do.

Try it now.

I don't know.

I feel like
I'm forgetting something.

What about my speeches?

Finished both of them
last night.

One if you win,
one if you lose.

What if I tie?

You need to write
a tie-speech for me,

something about
the poetic nature of democracy

and how I'm going fight
this thing from my prison cell--

Leslie, relax.
We're done.

All that's left
is the waiting.

Okay?

What were you talking
to Jen about?

Oh, nothing.

No, I just-- yeah, nothing.
She-- she's--

nothing. Nothing.
It's nothing.

Hey, what's a good place
to buy jeans?

You have plenty of jeans.

What were you talking about?

Jen offered me a job working
on a congressional campaign...

Oh, my God,
that's amazing.

In Washington.

What?

Are you happy or angry?

I don't know.
I don't know.

What did you say?
Did you say, "yes?"

I haven't had a chance
to think about it.

I mean, it sounds amazing,

but you know, six months
in Washington, D.C.

Away from you, but you know,
we should talk about it.

Yeah.
We'll just talk about it.

You know,
we'll mull it over,

we'll look at it
from every side.

Et cetera, et cetera.
Just--

I'm going to go vote,

just fulfill
a lifelong dream of mine

and achieve one of
my all-time happiest moments

real quick,
and then we will talk about it.

Cool.

Leslie, I can't figure
this thing out.

Can you help me?

Yeah, just hang on a second,
Bobby.

Ink all over my hands,

and the pen thing-y came
off the chain.

I don't get it!

The polls have just closed,

and now we're getting results
in the race for city council.

With just 1%
of the precincts reporting,

adult film star Brandi Maxxxx
has a commanding lead.

Oh, my God.
That's it.

It's not Bobby Newport
who's going to b*at me,

it's Brandi Maxxxx,
the p*rn star.

What is this? Italy?

Listen,
I know you're stressed out,

and I figured you would be,

so I took the liberty
of arranging

a fun little activity for us.

- You did?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, Ann.
Thank you so much.

I've said this to you before,

and I know it makes you
uncomfortable...

Oh, boy.

But you're thoughtful,
and you're brilliant,

and your ambiguous ethnic blend
perfectly represents

the dream
of the American melting pot.

Okay, let's go.

Another, Dana,
please and thank you.

Ron, I handed out
1,000 leaflets today.

That is a personal best.
Now I'm off to vote.

The polls are closed.

What?
No, no, no.

I thought that
they close at 8:00.

6:00.

Oh, my God.

Ron, I didn't get
to vote for Leslie.

Oh, my God,
what do I do?

Nothing you can do.

Except hope Leslie
doesn't lose by one vote.

9% of precincts reporting,
and it's razor-thin

and getting razor-thinner.

Oh, boy.

No. No.

Jen Barkley.

Hey.
What are you doing here?

That was fun last night,
you old screamer.

There were moments that
I didn't fully understand

some of the physical shapes
that we were making...

Mm.

But the sensations
were amazing.

- So I just went with it.
- Great.

Well, I thought
that we could just talk

before you left town
if that's okay.

No, but there's a supply room
over there with a futon.

Great.

Not yet. Just wait--
we're just getting supplies.

Anybody need anything?
Pushpins-- okay, good.

Please hurry.

I told her it's a matter
of life and death.

Honey,
Donna's been here forever.

She's going
to know what to do.

What if she doesn't?

I could get fired.

Or even worse,
Leslie might give me a lecture

on responsibility again,
I can't do it.

I'll tell you what, honey.

Here's the deal.
You get fired, I'll quit.

We'll leave together.

I'm serious.
Move to a new city.

Change our names,

burn our fingertips off
with acid,

swap faces.

- What?
- If we have to.

Good.

Yes. Nice.
Keep punching.

- Did I hit your boob?
- No.

Sorry.

Great form.

Maybe.
I have no idea actually.

- I don't know what I'm doing.
- Yeah!

That was good.
I'm exhausted.

How long was that?

22 seconds.

Boy,
that's disappointing.

What are you going
to do about Ben?

I just-- I've been running
for office the entire time

we've been dating.

We're just about
to get our lives back.

It would k*ll me if he left.

Then tell him that.

Go find him
and tell him how you feel.

And then the two of you could
work it out together.

Election results, Ann.

Ann, Ann, I can't read it.

- Okay.
- Ann, my hands. My hands, Ann.

- Here.
- They're in these round gloves.

Here. Okay.

20% of the precincts reporting.

Bobby Newport
is up by 140 votes.

Okay.
Let's get your hands back up.

- Okay.
- Go another eight seconds.

Oh, God, I'm so tired.

Gin and tonic, please.

Belay that order, Dana.
Lagavulin, neat.

Clear alcohols are
for rich women on diets.

What's on your mind, son?

Well, Jen Barkley offered me
a job in Washington.

A great job, but I think
Leslie wants me to stay.

What would you do?

Well, I've never been one
for meeting new people

or doing new things
or eating new types of food

or traveling outside
of southern Indiana.

I've had the same haircut
since 1978,

and I've driven
the same car since 1991.

I've used the same wooden comb
for three decades.

I have one bowl.

I still get my milk
delivered by horse.

You do?

But you and Leslie
like to hold hands

and jump off of cliffs together
into the great unknown.

You two have
a good relationship.

I don't personally know
what that's like,

but I'm given to understand
that means you're going to land

on your feet.

So you really want things
to just stay exactly the same?

But if Leslie wins,
you get my old job,

assistant city manager, right?

Seems that way.

Then good luck
to the both of us.

Hey--uh!

Hmm!

I have an update that
contains new information.

With 74%
of the precincts reporting,

Leslie Knope is now winning
by 192 votes.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, lord, please, please.
Let her win.

Please, lord.
Please, lord, let her win.

Please let her win.

I'm just going to say this.

And I realize this after
speaking with my best friend

and relationship advisor
Ann Perkins

from the department of health.

Yes, I know Ann.

I don't want you
to go to Washington.

I know
it's an amazing opportunity,

but in just a few minutes,
all this craziness

is going to be over,

and I just want
to have dinner with you.

Like normal people.

Yeah, then I won't go.

Really?

Yeah. Easy.

I mean, I was on the fence
about it anyway.

Washington's really far away,

and I don't know
if I want to work with Jen.

I mean, this just seals
the deal. I'll stay.

Oh, thank God.

What a relief.

Guys.

It's been neck-in-neck,
too close to call all night,

but now we're ready
to make a call

in the race for city council.

Bobby Newport...

Oh, no.

Scion of the Sweetums
candy empire

and amateur go-kart champion
has won the race.

Why are you laughing?

Because my dream is dead.

Oh, oh.

Oh, [Bleep].

Recount!
There's a recount.

Oh, come on.
It's over.

Just concede.

Newport won by 21 votes.

That's well within
the margin for a recount.

Please don't do this. I
really want to get out of here.

How about this-- why don't I
make you guys a deal?

Okay,
there's no deal in the world

that we would ever possibly--

I'll give you
Joe Biden's home phone number.

Now, hang on.
That's interesting.

No, no,
you're not thinking clearly.

Mr. Commissioner,

the recount
has to start immediately.

It's the law.

Now I'm not leaving
until you make the call.

He's right, Ms. Barkley.
It'll start right away.

- Keep your phones on.
- Terrence!

I just want to go home.

Hey, any news?

They said the recount could take
two hours, but who knows.

Man, this is stressful.

I picked the wrong week
to do a juice cleanse.

Okay, I think Leslie
should say something

to the troops just to get
everyone's spirits up.

- Where is she?
- I don't know.

She's not answering her phone.

What?
No one knows where she is?

That's a nice chair.

Corinthian leather,
solid mahogany frame

with what I believe are hand-cut
mortise and tenon joints

pinned with oak.

I was really looking forward
to sitting in it.

Figured this might be
my last chance.

You don't know that.

Ron,
for the last six months,

my friends have worked so hard.

Every five-minute coffee break
at work,

every night, every weekend,

every spare moment
of their lives,

they gave to me.

If I lose,
I'll never forgive myself.

You deserve to win.

We didn't volunteer
to help you

because we wanted to wrap
ourselves in personal glory.

We did it because
we...care about you.

You had a dream, and we
wanted to support your dream.

That's what you do
when you care about someone.

You support them,
win, lose, or draw.

Let's go back to the party.

You drive.
I've had 11 whiskeys.

Okay.
That's good on places to live.

Let's go back to dream jobs.

If we had to start
a new life,

I have Detective, FBI agent,
policeman, CIA agent.

So we need more for you.
Let's go.

- Andy, I--
- It's fun.

I'm trying to help you

take your mind off
of this horrible mistake

you made
deleting all these files,

probably the worst thing
to ever happen

in Parks and Rec history.

You will certainly get fired,
and I'm trying to help.

God.

So dream jobs, go.
Dream big, kid!

Fine.

Uh, dental hygienist
who's also a medium,

so I can clean people's teeth

and tell them
when they're going to die.

That's brilliant.

Let's make this fast.

I almost made it
with Councilman Howser

before you interrupted us.

Which files did you delete?

All of them.

I just put
the stupid flash drive in,

and then I tried to drag
everything over, and--

Fixed it.

- What?
- What? How?

Jerry accidentally
deletes things all the time.

Ten years ago, I installed
my own secret backup.

- You saved us, Donna.
- Oh.

- I love you.
- Oh.

Okay.
Bring it in, boy.

There you are.
Thank God.

We're going to get
the final results any minute.

I know.
Do you have both my speeches?

Yes.

You seem calmer
than I expected you'd be.

I got you something.

Let me open it for you.

You have to go to Washington.

I told you
I'm turning it down.

I was being selfish.

You put your whole life
on hold for me.

The very least I can do
is try to return the favor.

Are you sure about this?

We can make it work.

I will visit you,
then you come visit me.

And then I go visit you again.

And then we make out
in the Lincoln bedroom...

And the Jefferson Memorial

and the Supreme Court gallery.

We'll do it all over Washington.

Thank you.

Where did you get
a Washington Monument figurine

at midnight on a Tuesday?

From my office.
I have, like, 50 of them.

Right.

The recount's over.

They just called the race.

Oh, God.

It's still 21 votes.

But you won.

You won, Leslie.
You won by 21 votes.

It's confirmed.
It's over.

You won.

That was really sneaky, Ann.

I know. I couldn't resist.

Honestly, I've never been more
relieved in my entire life.

I didn't ruin it.

I thought I ruined it,
but I didn't ruin it.

You're kind of ruining it now.

Great.
That is great news.

I'm going to see you in D.C.

- Yeah, I guess you will.
- Yeah.

Oh, damn it.

Didn't get a chance
to say good-bye to Chris.

Oh, he's just
right over there.

Eh.
He seems really busy.

Anyway, would you tell him
I said good-bye?

Great! Thank you.

Sorry we didn't get
a chance to meet.

- I'm Ann.
- That doesn't matter.

I'm leaving.

Congratulations,
Mr. Assistant City Manager.

I'm very grateful, Chris,

but I think I'm going
to turn down the job.

Really? Why?

I like where I am.

Uh-oh, uh-oh.

Did someone just talk
about a job opening?

Because guess
who's got two thumbs

and was just cleared
from insurance fraud?

This guy, you know?

♪ Got off on a technicality ♪

What's the gig?
I'm in.

There's no job for you.

Smart move.
Go with your gut.

All right?
I'll talk to you guys soon.

Your victory speech,
Councilwoman Knope.

Some day, when I'm
more emotionally stable,

I want to read the concession
speech you wrote for me.

I never wrote it.

And I know all of you know

how hard she worked to get here.

She is
the next city councilwoman

from the great city of Pawnee,
ladies and gentlemen,

my best friend in the world,
Leslie Knope.

The idea behind this campaign
was a simple one:

That with hard work
and positivity,

a group of people can make
a difference

during my term
as your city councilor...

Thank you.

I want to focus on your hopes
and not your fears.

I want to solve problems
instead of creating friction.

And I will work hard
every hour of every day

to make Pawnee
a better place to live

because I love this city.

And I know firsthand,
how very special

the people of this city are.

I owe this victory,
all of it,

to my friends
and my supporters.

No one achieves
anything alone.

So let's embark
on a new journey together.

Let's break out a map.

Not the old, out-of-date one
that shows where we've been,

but a crisp new one that shows
where we might go.

Let's embark
on a new journey together

and see where it takes us.

Tommy!

This party was amazing,

you're amazing.

You are ridiculous,
but I like you,

and I think that
we should date--all of it.

Let's do it.
Let's date.

This is my dream.
Nostra-Thomas is happening.

- Awesome.
- Hey, let's move in together.

Phhhht!
Totally.

- Really?
- Yeah.

All right, no take-backs when
we sober up, little partner.

No take-backs, partner.

We're cowboys.

Great win, great night.

Great year.
Hot wife.

Jackpot.

Good job, me.

Oh, my God.
Babe.

You know what?

Almost everything
you wrote on that board

as a dream job was
some type of police officer.

Yeah.
You ready to go?

No, listen to me.

- Mm-hmm.
- How does this sound?

"Officer Dwyer, Pawnee PD."

Guys, we're going to JJ's
for victory waffles,

and then we're staying up
all night

talking about our lives
and our feelings.

Nonnegotiable.
Let's go!

City council, b*tches!

- Jerry forgot to vote.
- Damn it, Jerry.