01x02 - Wall of Shame

[bunniefuu]

- Good morning, loved ones!
- Nice outfit.

Where's your giant,
foam-rubber Wolverine head?

Don't be silly. You
can't get those anymore.

Yes, I realize I am dressed up.

But you see, to a Michigan
fan, football is a religion.

And the Ohio State game,
well, that's our Easter.

- So that reminds me...
- I like your clothes, Dad.

- Thank you.
- "I like your clothes, Dad."

Guys, please. This is my
one sacred day of the year.

There's a sale on blue
and gold body paint.

You could smear it all over your
body and watch the game in the nude.

- Eww.
- My people call it
blue and maize.

Not really good colors
on you. You're more of a...

I know, I'm more of a spring.

A spring? Ha! You
wish. He's such a winter.

Back to the plan. I am
commandeering the television set all day,

starting with the
first pre-game show.

- Got it?
- Yeah. Whatever.

Rory, that means no video games.

You kidding? I don't wanna
watch a violent sport like football.

Hey, I k*lled 'em!
I k*lled 'em all!

Off! Off!

Bridget, did you
borrow my beige purse?

Yeah, to go with my
beige double-knit jumpsuit.

Wow, very nice.

You know, first grad school seminar.
I want to make a good impression.

How? By turning on all
the guys? I don't think so.

You march upstairs, young lady, and
don't come down until you look frumpy.

Which I realize is
virtually impossible.

Come on, Paul,
I'm nervous enough.

I haven't set foot in a
classroom in 16 years.

- You're gonna do great.
- Wow, 16 years.

That's like my entire life.

I'm aware of that, Bridget.

And there's a connection.

- Why are you dressed like that?
- It's Easter.

The Ohio State game. Why
didn't you say something?

Because you've been dreaming
about your Master's forever.

And, you know, it's not like I go to
the game every year or anything.

- Yes, you do.
- Yes, I do, but, honey,

you've been
waiting for this day.

I can raise these kids
with my eyes closed.

You just leave out some food
and cr*ck the window a bit.

Yet you cannot even
put your dish in the sink?

Handled. Kids, put my dish
in the sink. See, I'm on fire.

I'm completely reassured.

I have my cell phone
if there's any problems.

Like there's a fire and your
dad won't get up or a pipe bursts

and your dad won't
get up. Or locusts...

Locusts! I would
get up for locusts.

- I mean it, call me.
- Not gonna happen. Here.

OK, just make sure that Kerry
doesn't mope around all day.

Oh, and get Rory away from
that video and out of the house.

No moping, no video
games. No problem.

Oh, and keep Bridget off
the phone and out of the mall.

I'm a man, not a miracle worker.

I'm bored. When's the
game gonna be over?

Are you serious?
It hasn't started yet.

I don't want you playing video games
all day. You can't just sit and vegetate.

Yeah, Dad's already doing that.

And parenting. Now,
come on everybody.

Quiet down. I want
to watch the game.

Go outside and
get some fresh air.

OK, I'll go ride my skateboard.

Go ride your skateboard.
Be sure to wear your helmet

and your elbow pads and
your knee... At least I said it.

Daddy, which do you like better?

I love all my children the same.

Oh, you mean the pants?
Bridget, I'm trying to watch...

- You care what I think?
- Take the fashion show outside.

Those of us who
can are trying to read.

See, Kerry, it can
matter how you dress.

- I mean, if you have hips.
- You have zits?

- No, no, I said hips.
- Oh, you mean like
childbearing hips.

- Shut up!
- Don't talk to your
sister like that.

- You always take her side!
- No, I don't.

- Yeah, OK, you
never take my side.
- I take your side a lot.

- Like all the time.
- No, I don't.

Name one time
you've taken my side.

I have lots of times in my mind,

but I'm not gonna dignify
that with a response.

- I'm waiting.
- OK, OK. The red ones.

Finally. Dad likes these.
They're perfect for you.

You know what, I hate you
and your stupid red pants.

Girls, don't k*ll each other!

At least I said it.

Check this out, Bear, they're
recapping the '78 season.

My whole fraternity went
to every game that year.

- Something wrong?
- No.

Wow.

Something's bothering
you. What is it, Care Bear?

- I just saw this ad.
- Hey, the Big Top's in town.

Oh. My little girl wants
to go to the circus,

but you're too
embarrassed to ask.

Monkey. You want
to see the monkeys.

It's disgusting.

The way they treat circus animals is
cruel and your paper is promoting it!

- Uh-huh.
- Dad!

God, you never care
about what I care about!

I do. And I'll care even
more when this game's over.

Unbelievable!

God, you know, would it k*ll you
to take the time to listen to me?

Hey, I always have time to
listen to you. Just not right now.

- You're like the
worst father ever.
- I heard that.

See, I do listen.

- Hello?
- Listen to who?

Um... Kerry. We were
just having a heart-to-heart.

- Hate! Hate! Hate!
- She says hi, hi, hi.

- So how is everything?
- Well, I just got here.

I forgot to pick up my allergy medicine.
Could you drop by the pharmacy?

Oh, man. You know I
hate buying that stuff.

No, no, no, it's really
allergy medicine this time.

OK, yeah, I'll get
it for you, Cate.

It's hard... You're breaking
up now. Call me later, bye-bye.

I'm studying with
Courtney. Yes, I

remembered my cell
phone and, oh, I need $40.

You need $40 to
study? No, no. No.

No, no, no, no,
no. No mall today.

- What gave it away?
- The $40.

Cupcake, I'm not inclined to let you
go somewhere if you lie to me about it.

- OK, can I go to the mall?
- See, doesn't the
truth feel better?

No, you can't go.

Dad, I promised Courtney. You
asking me to go back on my word?

I will, but that is
such bad parenting.

I don't have time to explain to you
everything wrong with that statement.

So you have this
obsessive-compulsive need to shop?

OK. I'd like you to go pick up your
mother's allergy medicine at the drugstore.

Oh, Dad, grow up.
Pick it up yourself.

No, it's really allergy
medicine this time.

- Dad!
- Come on, take it or leave it.

Fine. Like I want to sit
with Psycho Sister babbling

about the poor
unfortunate circus animals.

I mean, God, maybe the
bears wanna dance, OK?

It beats catching
fish with your hands.

Bridget. Bye-bye, Bridget.

- Kerry, sweetheart.
- Holy Toledo,

Henderson's got it at
the 15, jukes to the 20!

He's got some
blocking down at the 30.

Fumbles! Who's got the ball?

- Kerry? Care Bear?
- Go away!

Honey, I just wanted to...

I don't believe it! Michigan
recovers! Michigan recovers!

- You just wanted to what?
- Talk.

OK. What?

Honey, if it'll make you
feel any better, I'm sorry.

For what?

I don't know.

Look out! And he's gone!

Touchdown! Michigan
goes back up on top!

Touchdown! Yes! Yes!

- And there's a flag
down on the play.
- No! No, flag!

Dad, can I talk to you a minute?

- Can't talk.
- It's about sex.

Do I have to break out
the health book again?

- If it's not too much trouble.
- I thought we had this talk.

You did. I'll never forget the
giggling coming from his room.

I couldn't help it. You should've
seen the look on his face.

- I'm not talking to you.
- Ha! You just did.

So, what's on your mind, buddy?

My body feels weird
when I look at girls.

- What's going on with me, Dad?
- Well, it's a rough time,
sport.

I remember when I was 13.

Boy, they had ads in the back
of comic books on how to get girls

through hypnosis
and X-ray specs.

Total rip-offs. Anyway...

Level 12! I got to level 12!
I've never been to level 12!

What do you think you're doing?

I'm just trying to take
my mind off my problem.

- Outside!
- I'm sorry.

God!

Oh, Singletary really
puts a hurt on Temerit.

- Knocked his helmet clean off.
- Total interference!

They better make sure
his head's not still in there.

Shut up! Not funny.

Not gonna get that.

You've reached the Hennessys.

If calling for Paul, Cate or
Rory, please leave a message.

If calling for Bridget or Kerry,
you have the wrong number.

This is Brenner's dr*gs.

I'm calling for the parents
of Bridget Hennessy.

We're detaining
her for shoplifting.

- How could you do this?
- Dad, I...

Don't even! Thank you for
calling me and not the cops.

She will never do this again.

At least not here. Everybody on our
wall of shame is permanently banned.

- Dad, I swear...
- Don't talk to me,
you are in trouble.

That closes the door on the
best half of football I've ever seen!

Big trouble. Come on.

- Bridget!
- I'm not talking about it!

- You are talking about this.
- What is the point? You've
made up your mind I'm guilty.

The pharmacist caught
you taking lipstick!

I would never buy
lipstick at a drugstore.

Nobody's accusing
you of buying it.

That's why your picture is
up on their wall of shame.

- I cannot believe you. I'm calling Mom.
- And ruin her day?

- Your day?
- You've already done that.

Dad, if you really
want to apologize,

write a column on your paper's
pro-animal-cruelty stance.

All they did was run an
ad for children of all ages.

I knew you wouldn't.
I'm calling Mom.

- Me first.
- Does everyone
have a cell phone?

- How much am I
paying for these?
- You get the phones free.

I bet you do. No,
you're not calling Mom.

This is a very important day for her.
We're not gonna make it any harder.

OK. Are you gonna
write the article or not?

Kerry, I don't have time
to deal with you right now.

Oh, right, I forgot.

I was caring about animals while
you watched your football game.

I am not watching the football
game. It's about Bridget.

Oh, I should have known.
It's always about Bridget.

Bridget's problems are always
more important than mine.

"Oh, my God, Daddy, my
shoe strap broke! What do I do?"

Bridget got busted
for shoplifting.

She did?

I did not shoplift. And thanks
for telling everyone my business!

- Who shoplifted?
- I did not!

- I told you to go outside.
- No way.

People are gonna point and say,
"There goes the shoplifter's brother."

You are such a brat.

Bridget! Bridget,
you get back here!

- Nobody move!
- Stay inside, got it.

- Nobody move? What's wrong?
- Somebody was offsides. How ya doing?

- Let me talk to her.
- No, no, no.

- No?
- No, offsides again.

The penalties are k*lling us.

You're gonna hate prison.
Everyone will dress like you.

Stop it!

Paul, what is going on?
Do you need some help?

- Everything is fine.
- Oh, good, because
the people I'm with

- want to go watch
the rest of the game.
- I'm having fun. You should.

Listen, everything is under
control here. Bye, love you.

- You are so out
of control here.
- I'm out of control? You are!

- Are you gonna
write the article?
- I can't deal with this now.

- As long as you're
not watching the game...
- Get outside!

That's a lovely outfit,
Bridget. Where did you get it?

- You gave it to me.
- Really? I've never seen it
before in my life.

Oh, I knew Mom put
your name on the card!

- I love how I'm on trial here.
- How much time does it take

to step into a store?

Longer, if you actually
pay for the item.

You really think
I would shoplift?

Here it is. Poor little
innocent Bridget. Know what?

It's bad enough that you stole, but
to stand there and lie to me about it.

I thought you had
more character than that.

Fine! I don't care
what you think.

Bridget, come back! We're
not done talking, young lady!

Go to your room!

- Dad?
- Kerry, I am on my knees.

I really, really can't talk
about circus animals right now.

Do you really think
Bridget would steal?

I mean, there's a lot of bad
things that you don't know about.

There's a list as long as your
arm. But stealing, it isn't one of them.

- There's a list
as long as my arm?
- At least. But she...

- So what's on the list?
- I'm not telling you!

Come on, just get
me up to my wrist.

See, that is
exactly the problem.

- You don't listen.
- I don't listen?

I mean, God, that thing about
the animals really upset me,

but you ignore me,
'cause I'm the middle child.

- Now, listen. Come on, Bridget...
- Kerry! See!

I mean... I'm saying Bridget.

With her around here, it
was like a three-ring circus.

- Dad!
- Sorry, no circus,
come here. Kerry. Kerry.

I really do care about what's
important to you. I always have.

- Right.
- No, come here, come here.

Listen, honey.

I know you've always loved
animals. And I adore that about you.

I remember when you were five,
and you had just started to read,

you came to me heartbroken
and crying one day.

You said, "Daddy, I just saw a sign
on the corner and it said 'Last Dog.'"

- Do you remember this?
- Kind of.

Anyway, you were sobbing because
you thought there weren't going to be

any more dogs.

And I hugged you and I laughed.

I said, "Honey, it didn't say
'Last Dog.' It said 'Lost Dog.'"

And then you started
sobbing all over again.

Because he was lost.

- You found him, right?
- Yes, of course I did.

That's what I said, didn't
I? I said that I found him

and I'm sure he's
still on that farm

running and barking and playing
with all the other little doggies.

He's dead, isn't he?

Well, by now. I mean,
it was a long time ago!

Oh, God.

Dad?

How'd you get up there? Never
mind. I don't even want to know.

What is it, Rory? What
could be so important?

Bridget's crying.

Beach?

Good idea, I'll start.

Honey, I'm...

I'm sorry I accused you without
listening to your side of the story.

I guess it was the shock of seeing
your picture up on that wall of shame.

- That doesn't make it true.
- I know. So why don't you...

Tell me what really happened.

OK, well, me and Courtney
stopped in cosmetics

because if we had to do this thing for
you, then we might as well have fun,

and I've never found eye shadow
that works with my combination skin.

"Last all night color"? That
is a laugh. I get it from Mom.

- Is this leading
to the picture?
- Mm-hmm.

So I looked and Courtney
was stuffing a lipstick in her bag.

I was stunned. "What are you doing?"
And she's all, "Everybody does it."

I'm all, "It's stealing."
She's all, "You're a wuss."

- You're all...
- I'm all, "No!"

Finally I put it back myself,

then she grabs it and stuffs
it in her fake Fendi baguette

and this clerk shows up and
it turns into this ugly scene.

So you didn't take the lipstick?

No! Dad, it was coral.

I can't wear coral. Look
at me. Hello, I'm a summer.

That's all I needed to hear.

I mean peach, sure.
Maybe tangerine too, but...

I said that's all I
needed to hear.

Dad, I know you don't think I
care about what you think of me,

- but I really want
you to trust me.
- I do, Bridget, I really do.

- So we're good now?
- No.

No? I said I believe you.

Yeah, but you totally bailed on
me. You dragged me out of that store.

I was totally humiliated. Like having
my picture on the wall wasn't bad enough.

- Dad?
- What?

It's happening again.

My body's doing strange
and wonderful things.

- I'm so confused.
- OK! Go play your video games.

OK! Thanks, Dad!

- Excuse me, I was here earlier.
- You're the shoplifter's
father.

No. That was a mistake.
She doesn't belong there.

- Oh, none of them do.
- My daughter is innocent.

I know. They all are.

Listen, pal, I've
had a hard day.

I had to watch the game of the
century on a two-inch television screen.

It was the game of the
century? No, wait, wait.

Did you actually see
my girl take the lipstick?

Yeah, you heard
me. Did you see it?

You can't always catch 'em red-handed.
And she gave me a lot of attitude.

Try living with her. But that
doesn't make her a criminal.

- Take down the picture.
- I think you'd better leave.

I'm not leaving. You take
the picture down or I will.

- Bridgie, look what I have.
- I gotta go.

- Oh, you're the best.
- I think I got it down
before anybody saw it.

Are you saying I
don't look good?

Bridget, I am
trying my best here.

I went to the pharmacy
and I gave the clerk an earful.

- Please, meet me halfway.
- I'll let you off the hook,
on one condition.

- Heather's having
a party this weekend.
- Parents or no parents?

No parents, but Heather's
responsible. Her cousin is a Marine.

He'll be there with his
buddies, so we'll be safe.

I was worried, but as long as there's gonna
be tons of Marines with school girls...

- Have enough booze?
- Thanks!

- That was Daddy's
way of saying no way.
- Too late.

Mom, how was class? Stay off
the phone. I'm calling Heather.

- Hi, I had such a great day!
- Did ya?

I was smart and I made new friends,
and what about that game, huh?

I don't usually watch football, and even I
knew I was watching something special.

Yeah. I waited all year for it.

Well, I can see everything's
pretty much the way I left it.

It was a very challenging day, Cate.
I must say, I rose to the challenge.

I should be inducted into
the Father Hall of Fame.

Father Hall of Fame and yet you
couldn't put your dish in the sink.

I'm sorry, honey.
I was very busy.

"Did you get my
prescription?" she asked,

knowing the answer: "No."

Uh, your prescription.
After all that. I'll go now.

No, no, it's OK, I
owe you for today.

Get a head start putting that dish in
the sink and I'll help when I get back.

Cate, you don't happen to know
the score of the game, do you?

Oh, come on, Paul.

Hennessy.

Hennessy?

Yeah.

Stay tuned for
complete game highlights

of today's game of the century.

Dad, this thing about
Bridget and lipstick

started me thinking
about animal testing.

They test cosmetics
on rabbits, you know?

And that started me
thinking about Mr. Wiggles.

I couldn't stand to think

if he was in a cage
somewhere with lipstick on.