01x07 - Trick-or-Treehouse

[bunniefuu]

I know this isn't a contest,
but mine is real good.

You used a stencil.

Still counts.

Hey, Bridget...

Don't even think about
it, Kyle will k*ll you.

- Oh, Kerry...
- Don't even think
about it.

You don't have a
boyfriend to protect you.

- Yes, she does.
- Eww! Dad!

- I honked,
like, five times.
- Six.

Paul, couldn't you
give me a hand?

Kids, it's Halloween,
what does Dad do?

Carve the pumpkin.

- And what does Mom do?
- Everything else.

See, kids, it's out of my hands.

- I'll get the rest.
- No, this is it.

All the candy left in the store.

Some poor kids are gonna get
raisins and chewable vitamins.

- Look, our jack-o-lanterns.
- Ooh.

Very scary. And you can hardly
tell that you used the stencil

It still counts.

- Hey, Mom.
- Adorable.

Thanks, that's
what I was going for.

- Look what Kyle and I made.
- Check it out. It's smokin'.

It's gonna be the new logo
for my snowboard company.

Oh, Bridgie, don't
let this one get away.

OK. Which one do you like best?

Well, I haven't
seen Kerry's yet.

Finished.

Yeah, in two weeks, it'll be
rotten like all the rest of them.

I don't know why I spend
good money on these things.

I could just borrow an
X-ray from radiology.

What?

All the other nurses do it.

What does everybody
got planned for Halloween?

- We're going to
Erin Haywood's party.
- Oh, really? Erin Haywood?

- Will there be adults there?
- Oh, yeah.

- We know the rules, God!
- OK, just checking.

- So, Kerry... will adults be there?!
- Yes!

- Lots of them.
- OK.

So, Kerry, what about you?

I'm hanging with Christina,
watch scary movies, make popcorn.

Well, that's good. Spend a
nice quiet evening with friends.

You don't need a
party to have fun.

- Parties are stupid.
- Parties you aren't invited to?

Like I really want to hang
out... Parties are stupid.

Girls, let's not fight,

especially at this time
of year, it's Halloween.

The day our Savior
was what, Paul, scared?

Be back by 11:00 for our
annual Halloween campout.

You don't want to go to the
treehouse all by yourself at night.

Why, are you gonna terrify us with
the flashlight under your chin again?

I might.

Do we have to spend the night in
that treehouse? We do it every year.

- Every year.
- It's our last
Halloween tradition.

Don't grumble. You and Kerry
won't trick or treat with me anymore,

so now it's just Man-With-a*-In-Head
and Little-Man-With-a*-In-Head.

Hey, Bridget, for Erin's party,

I think you should wear
a bikini and go as "hot."

Oops. I gotta go.

Why didn't you tell Dad you're not trick
or treating with him this year? Scared?

I'm not scared. I'm
not scared of anything.

I'm waiting for the right time.

When? Thanksgiving,
little pilgrim?

Look at the Doyle's.

Fred and the girls are turning
their yard into a cemetery.

Big deal. We do that
every time we get a pet.

- Girls, I'll warm up the car.
- - For a happy Halloween.

For a happy Halloween.

I don't want to be in that
treehouse, I want to be with Kyle.

That treehouse is like
stuffing me back into a cradle.

Major regression, stunting
my emotional development.

Yeah. It makes
my hair really frizzy.

- Don't you knock?
- No.

- What do you want?
- I need help.

I don't want to go trick
or treating with Dad.

I want to go out
with Hunter and Ben.

OK. What do you want from us?

I don't want to
hurt Dad's feelings.

Look, you guys are pros at
it, maybe you could ask him?

Sorry, can't help. We're gonna tell him
we don't want to camp in the treehouse.

What?

I want in.

You were so up
for it this morning.

I tell Mom and Dad
what they want to hear

because I love them so much.

Girls, what is going on? Your dad
is still waiting for you in the garage.

He's gonna get asphyxiated.

- You tell her.
- Tell her.

You tell her.

OK, someone tell me.

OK, Mom.

Kerry has something to tell you.

We know it's a tradition,

but we don't want to stay
the night in the treehouse.

- Hey, join the club.
- What?

- You don't want to, either?
- No.

It just hurts everywhere.

But I do it for your dad.
Now, let's get going.

So, will you tell Dad for us?

Oh yeah, I really want to sleep
in the treehouse all by myself.

- Tell him.
- You tell.

- You tell him.
- - Simon, Theodore, Alvin!

You don't want to be
late! Not on Halloween.

- Oh, God, I'll tell him.
- Tell me what?

I have no idea,
I'll be in the car.

OK, Dad, we know it's
really important to you,

but, we don't want to sleep in the
treehouse this year. We've outgrown it.

You all feel this way?

I understand and I
appreciate your honesty.

- But you're sleeping
in the treehouse.
- What? Dad!

Kids!

How do you do that?

Hennessy?

What are you doing
here? That's sports coffee.

Doesn't bother me,

but shouldn't you be upstairs
pouring tea with the feminists?

- Columnists.
- What'd I say?

- Feminists.
- I did?

Tommy, not today, I
feel bad enough already.

Why? 'Cause you make your
wife work and she wears the pants?

No, it's the kids. They're
growing up so fast.

You're right on that one.

Last year, my Kevin had a tiny
juvenile offense, insignificant.

This year, same thing happens,
he's going to the big house.

- Well, don't blame yourself.
- I don't. I blame the schools.

It's just that every Halloween
night we sleep in the treehouse.

The whole family,
it's tradition.

Now they're telling
me they've outgrown it.

That's the dumbest
tradition I've ever heard.

- Wanna hear real
family traditions?
- Yeah, sure.

First, I don't make
my wife work.

Second, every winter I take the
boys up to an ice fishing shack.

It's great. Frozen lake,
wind whipping around.

cr*ck a few beers with some
underage kids who can't take a joke.

It gets a little ugly sometimes,
but all in all, a good time.

It's nice you still have that.

Well, you could do
the same with Rory.

I'm not worried about
him, it's the girls.

Kerry's got plans with her friends.
Bridget's going to this Halloween party.

Not Erin's party?

- Erin Haywood, yeah.
- Oh, pal, that's
a wild party.

Every year Kyle comes
back from that party

with stories for the ice shack.

Bridget said... Are there
going to be parents there?

Yeah... in about nine months.

Tommy, wait a second.
What do you know? Tommy!

I cannot speak to you, you're
acting like a crazy person.

I am your father and I
will be treated with respect.

- I'm punishing you
for lying to me.
- Where? What was the lie?

You didn't tell me there
weren't parents at Erin's.

OK, as I recall, I said, "God, we
know the rules," then rolled my eyes.

It was a lie of
omission. You can't go

where there aren't parents.
You're staying home.

How does this encourage
open and honest communicate

if I get punished every time
I don't tell you something?

How could you possibly
be failing three subjects?

Cate, are you sure you
have to work at the hospital?

You're going to miss
the fun with Rory and me.

Paul, I'm a nurse.
I took an oath.

The hospital needs me. The
candy's not going to X-ray itself.

Can I stay the
night at Christina's?

No, be home by 11:00.
Have a good time, Care Bear.

Don't call me Care Bear, Paul.

Did she just call me "Paul"?

- Don't call me "Paul," missy.
- Did Paul just call me "missy"?

I'm sensing attitude. Is
this about the treehouse?

You know what? Why don't you girls
try to be mature for just three seconds?

You're gonna sleep in the tree.

- I'm gonna go
to Christina's.
- Home by 11:00.

See ya later,
Bridget. See ya, Pa...

- Don't call me Pa. You'll be sorry.
- Pa... Paul.

- Have a seat,
you're grounded.
- Dad!

Please, call me Paul.

You're staying in until Rory and
I get home from trick-or-treating.

- My son, the boy.
- Hey, Dad.

Get your costume,
gotta get going.

Dad, I was thinking...

- He's gonna go for it.
- Never happen.

I was thinking, maybe...

I was old enough to
go by myself this year.

Go by yourself? Oh.

Well, yeah, I guess you
are old enough this year.

Well, actually, I was
old enough last year,

but you worked so
hard on your costume.

You go ahead, have a blast.

I just want you to know that

Man-With-a*-in-Head is gonna
miss Little-Man-With-a*-In-Head.

- Don't make it
worse than it is.
- OK.

- You have fun, buddy.
- Thanks, buddy.

Oh, please!

You know, if you were more
respectful like your little brother,

- more trustworthy,
perhaps...
- Look in his bag.

- What? Wait, no!
- Look in his bag?

Toilet paper, shaving
cream and eggs!

- What? That's not my bag!
- Get on the couch!

Trick or treat! I'm an angel.

You're an angel now, in a few
years you'll be k*lling your father.

Daddy!

Hi! Look at your costumes!
Come here, guys, here you go.

That went on the
floor, let me get that.

There you go, you take some.

Freeze!

Turn around.

Take off the mask.

And that one.

- Nice try, Kyle.
- Kyle?

What are you doing here? I
told you I was being punished.

So I'm spending the entire evening
in my room, overlooking the trellis.

I'm sorry. I'll be
going right now.

- Bridget, downstairs.
- Darn it!

- And you put so much
planning into it.
- I know!

- Now, Bridget...
- Don't be mad at me.

I didn't do anything. I
didn't leave the house,

you never said Kyle couldn't
come over, besides you let him in.

If you'd focus that brainpower,
we wouldn't have a straight spoon.

- Why do you hate Kyle?
- I don't hate Kyle. Should I?

I mean, you're 16.

I'm going to be a little hawkish
about any boy you date.

Especially one who lies to me
about adults being at a party.

There were adults. Joey's
been a senior for three years,

he's 18 if he's a day.

There you go. Anyway,
he's a bad influence on Rory.

Where is Rory? Rory!

It's no fun egging
your own backyard.

Sit on this couch, right now!

- Hey, everybody.
- Cate.

- Our kids are impossible.
- I'm going back to work.

No, wait.

Sit down. Everybody
just sit down and listen.

I've been thinking...

- Here we go, more punishment.
- No, it's not punishment.

Hear me out.

When baseball
legend Ted Williams

stepped up to the
plate at age 41...

Ted Williams? Isn't
he the frozen guy?

He wasn't frozen then.

Ted Williams hit a home
run his last time at the plate...

ever. People have
remembered that for decades.

- Do you want us to freeze you?
- No. I don't want...

- I'm saying...
- What do you want?

- I wanna be in the treehouse.
- When you're dead?

That's kind of creepy.

I understand that
you're growing up.

All I'm asking is that
we spend one last night...

in the treehouse at Halloween.

This is the last time we'll
ever have to do that again.

It's my last time at bat.

Kids!

Seriously, you have to
show me how you do that.

The s'mores are great, honey.
Much better than last year.

Yeah, it's my mom's recipe.

The secret is using marshmallows,
graham crackers and chocolate.

OK, let's see.

S'mores, did it.

Séances, did it.

- Ouija board.
- We didn't officially
do the Ouija.

- Kerry was cheating.
- Nuh-uh.

I have it on good authority

that Paul Hennessy is not dead.

Oh, look at this. A foot
fight, just like the old days.

You girls used to have feety
pajamas with clowns on them.

- Get your smelly foot
out of my hair!
- I hate you.

See, I told you
this would be fun.

Paul, could you move a minute?

My knee is pinned under that
loose board with the rusty nails.

- Is that better?
- Yeah, well it depends.

When did I have
my last tetanus sh*t?

- Yeah, I'm OK.
- All right.

I can't believe you're
making us do this.

Come on, we're all
enjoying ourselves.

What treehouse are you in?

I don't know about you guys,
but I intend to have fun. Cramp!

Are we spending
the entire night here?

Come on, this is very important
to me, I don't ask for much.

- Yes, you do.
- From them! From them!

Guys, please, stop complaining
and let's try to have a good time.

If I had a jet pack, I
would never ride my bike.

Rory.

I love you. OK, guys...

Now, I'm gonna tell
you a ghost story.

And you guys are all
gonna be really scared.

- Fine, whatever.
- OK.

Ooooooh!

- Kyle?
- Hand it over.

I'm in hell.

Oooooh.

Ooooh.

- Paul?
- I forgot the story.

If you wanna go, go.
Go right now, that's fine.

I am so tired of being
the only one of us

that wants to
spend time together.

- Well, I'm still here.
- Yeah, but this is
a disaster.

No! No, no, no.

Well, yeah.

Look at this treehouse.

Look at all these memories...

Kerry's family portrait she painted
when she was five years old.

- Where's Bridget?
- Kerry said she
ran out of chalk.

Look, that's where
we all wrote our names

on our first night up here.

- Rory, Kerry...
- With a backward "K."

- Bridget...
- Oh, without a "D."

Paul, our kids are
horrible spellers.

See, this place is
filled with memories.

Bridget, how'd you
ditch your parents?

Oh, you scared me. I
thought you were Bridget.

I'm tearing this
place down tomorrow.

Hey, Cate, would you
please rub my back?

Oh! That was great.

Maybe this weekend we
can all go away together.

Paul, give it a rest. You can't
make the kids play with you.

Play? They live in my
house, they don't like me.

They're not kids, they're cats.

They loved you before and
they're gonna love you later.

This is just the
time in-between.

But even Rory, my buddy,

crossed some
invisible line today.

- Yeah, I know.
- You know what I think?

In a few years, they'll be out of
the house, we'll never see them.

No. They're still
gonna need money.

You guys OK?

- Come on, crawl in.
- Come here, buddy.

- That's loud!
- Are you scared of thunder?

I'm not scared, you are.

- Great, now the power's out.
- Fine, look at this.

- Mom?
- Come here.

Rory, get over here. Bridgie?

Kerry, you sit
down. There we go.

- This is nice.
- I know where Bridget
is tonight.

Remember when Dad used to
say thunder was 'cause God's mad.

Yes, and Rory used to sing
little songs to make it stop.

No, I didn't.

♪ Rain, rain, rain, rain ♪

♪ Rain, rain, rain ♪

It wasn't me!

- I love our little
slumber parties.
- Me, too.

- Paul...
- Yeah?

This is a family tradition.

- Yes, and no splinters.
- And no Kyle,
I like this one better.

Look at that. The
Doyle's lights are on.

Naturally. Fred, Mr. Fix-It,

is probably prepared with
his own personal generator.

- Idiot. What?
- Paul!

Don't talk about the Doyles like that.
It's a bad example for your children.

- We should be charitable.
- I hate Beth Doyle.

She wears a scrunchie.

I have math class with her,
she has monogrammed pencils.

- Stop it,
that's just not nice.
- Alison's worse.

She says, "often."
Often, with the "T."

Often!

Well, look who her mother is.

It's not nice trashing
the neighbors.

It's Halloween.

Even though Fred does mow
his lawn from the outside in.

The guy's got some demons.

Hey, Dad, you never
finished telling the scary story.

So now you wanna
hear the story? OK.

Here we go.

Oooooh.

It was a dark and stormy night.

The Doyle's lights
were burning brightly.

And down in the
basement of the Doyle's

there was an electrical
charge that went...

Bridget? Hey, Bridge.

Me, again.

Hey, Papa H, I was
just looking for Bridget.

Sure you were, come on in.
It's time you and I had a little talk.

Come on. Make
yourself comfortable.

Rule number one,
when dating my daughter

you will only come
to the front door.

You will knock and await a
response that may or may not come.

Oooooh.

Got it?

Rule number two...
- Oooooh.
- Yeah.