05x04 - Sex Education

[bunniefuu]

Mr. Haverford, on the morning of your crash

- were you alone in your car?
- Yes.

Your Honor, this was an accident.

Plain and simple. I don't want to put
words in your mouth but...

case dismissed.

And you were texting at the time, correct?

How dare you, sir?

I was tweeting.

Please, read Exhibit C,

the transcript of your Twitter page
leading to the immediatelly following crash.

"9:15. Four green lights in a row. #blessed"

"9:17. Drive faster, blue Civic.
Daaaaaamn. #soccermoms"

"9:18. Gotta pass this lady
on the 'ejkerkj'."

That's when I hit the fire hydrant.

Sorry, allegedly hit the fire hydrant.

"9:20. Just hit a fire hydrant,
but I survived.

"#unbreakable.

"#what'sMr.Glassuptothesedays?

♪whynosequel?"

Prosecution rests, Your Honor.

Mr. Haverford,
you have a problem

keeping your eyes on the road

and off your electronic devices.

I'm going to tailor
a punishment to fit the crime.

One week without screens.

No phone, tablets,
computers, television--anything.

No! Please,
send me to jail!

Any slipups,
and that week becomes a month.

Turn in your phone, please.

[Bangs gavel]
Fine. One last tweet?

Bailiff!

Pr-press send, bailiff!
Press send!

[Triumphant music]

Howdy.

Hey!
What's with the get-up?

I just got back from
that Dude Ranch with Ricky.

It was really fun.
He bought this for me as a gift.

A cowboy hat from your cowboyfriend.

Oh, that makes it sound
like he's a cow.

From your cowboy boyfriend.
Your boycow-cowboy.

- Just call him "Ricky."
- Okay, great.

Okay, everyone.

Great news: Lots of old people
have chlamydia.

Whoo!

Seniors in Pawnee have
a lot of time on their hands,

and what they're doing with that time

is going at it hard,
old people-style.

A lot of them haven't
had proper sex education,

and as a result,
STDs are having a field day.

It's amazing
what a few old guys can do

with a little bit of charm
and a lot of crabs.

Okay, sex avengers,

these old fogies
are very set in their ways.

They're hopped up
on E.D. medication

and they got nothing to lose,

'cause they're close to death.

Also, seniors can be pretty ornery.

Uh, actually, I think
it's pronounced "horny."

I have an idea. Let's pretend
that we're old people,

and we can ask Ann our grossest,

most perverted sex questions.

I'll start.
I'm an old lady,

why do I need birth control?

I haven't had my monthly
since LBJ was president.

Well, with the elderly,

we are not so concerned
with pregnancy.

We're more concerned with disease.

Do pubic hairs get longer
the older you get?

I don't think so, no.

Because that's happening to me.

What should I do?

Where can I get lube
that is healthy to eat?

I ran over my testicles
with my jazzy scooter.

I think you're good to go, nursey.

I want to jump on that caboose.
Choo choo!

You should never eat lube,

you need to see a doctor immediately,

and I'm sorry, sir,
but you have to be under 40

to ride this train.

Oh!
That's how you do it, kids.

- [Laughs]
- Nice.

"LeRon James."
We still on for breakfast?

You are an hour and a half
late for work.

Yeah. Sorry.
I can't use my GPS,

but I figured it out.

I just drove around in circles
until I saw something familiar.

You live 3 miles from here.

3.4,
according to my GPS,

which I used to use every day.

I can't use screens for a week.

Big deal!
I'm adapting.

I built a real-life
Pinterest board.

I really wish you could click those.

Wow, there he is, Barack Obama.

His name is congressman David Murray,

he is our boss and he is white.

Don't embarrass me.

Congressman Murray, I'm Ben Wyatt,

coordinating director
of D.C. Operations.

And I am April Blart, mall cop.

Great! It's a pleasure
to finally meet you, Ben.

Heard such great things.

Oh, well, I really feel
like I know you already.

I've watched all
of your speeches and debates.

It's very inspiring.

Thank you, Ben.

And thank you all for your hard work.

Now, stay cool.
It's a hot one out there today.

- [Laughs]
- That's right,

you could practically
cook an egg on the sidewalk.

[Chuckles] Terrific.

Okay, let's make sure we're ready

for the strategy session tomorrow.

- Okay.
- Okay?

Hey, we're still
gonna assassinate him, right?

- Don't say that.
- Ben!

What the hell is he doing?

Hello, can everyone hear me okay?

All: No.

Okay, great.
I'm councilwoman Leslie Knope,

and today we are here
to talk about safe sex.

I know this is a personal question,

but how many of you out there
are sexually active?

Oh, my.

I have two partners,
often at the same time.

Wow. Thank you.

Does anyone know what we risk

when we have unprotected sex?

- Heart att*ck.
- Falling in love.

Partner dies on top of you!

Yes, but the truth is,

the greatest risk you face

is sexually transmitted diseases.

Are these old people really
having sex with each other?

Yeah, what'd you think
they were doing?

I don't know, I thought we were just

talking about it.

Oh!
[Disgusted laugh]

And the best way to prevent
them is to use protection.

Well, that's all fine and good,

but what if the banana
is soft and mushy,

and doglegs sharply to the left?

[Shudders]

Oh, my God, Jerry,
when you check your email,

you go to Altavista and type
"Please go to yahoo.com?"

Well, how else would I do it?

You don't have your email bookmarked?

Do you have any bookmarks?

What's bookmarks?

God, Jerry!
You don't deserve the Internet!

I'm going crazy, Ron!

Life without screens is pointless.

I made an iPhone out of paper.
It's not the same, though.

This is the work of a lunatic.

You need to detox.

Tomorrow, we'll go
to my cabin in the woods.

It's so far away from civilization,

the electric company is not even aware

there's a structure there.

[Sighs] Thanks, Ron.

And hey, can you give me
a ride after work?

There's no chance
I can find my way home.

If you encounter this scenario,

simply execute the following maneuver.

And stop!

Great job, and very informative,

but we need to stop now forever

and pretend like this never happened.

Why?
What happening?

[Mumbles incoherently]

Oh, boy.

Marcia and Marshall Langman

are the town's morality watchdogs.

Marcia is motivated,
calculating, and hyper-vigilant,

and her husband, Marshall, is...

vivacious.

This, that's happening here,
is not allowed!

We at the Society
for Family Stability Foundation

object to this smut being taught.

It's against Pawnee's

abstinence-only
sex education law.

That's only for schools.

Actually, it's not.
The way the bill is drafted

prohibits any government employee

from teaching anything
but abstinence, city-wide.

- Thank you, Chris.
- You're welcome.

If we allow this filth
to be taught to our seniors,

the next you thing you know,
it'll be in our high schools,

then our kindergartens,
and before you know it,

we have babies in thong underwear.

Is that what you want?

Yes, that's what I want.

Ladies and gentlemen,
this vulgar sex show is over.

Please forget everything this
horrible woman has told you.

It is not over.
It is far from over.

Andy, pack up our bananas!

This is a great idea.

Fresh air, no screens.

I'm getting really good
at chopping wood too.

You're a regular Paul Bunyan.

Ow!
I got stung by the wood!

Oh, no, it's a splinter.

I need to get on webMD now!

I need a iPhone or a Samsung Galaxy,

something with 4G.

There's no time for the edge network.

What are you doing?
Wha--? W-w-waa!

Got it.

I still think
we should find a computer

and Google
"sterilization techniques."

Yeah, I have a new idea.

You need to purge all of this
garbage from your system.

Talk about all the things
you do on those screens,

and let the words just
float away into the fresh air,

- and then we will be done.
- Okay, worth a sh*t.

Every day I start by hitting up
Facebook, Twitter,

tumblr, and Instagram.

Sometimes I like to throw in LinkedIn,

for the professional shorties.

See?
That was easy.

Then I like to go on reddit.

Reddit's great, 'cause it has

all the important links you need.

- New shirt?
- Yeah.

I got it at the Dude Ranch
with my boyfriend.

- You like it?
- It's not my favorite shirt,

but it is my least favorite shirt.

Perd, we strongly believe

in teaching and practicing abstinence.

We all have some crazy urges
from time to time,

but you just can't act on them.

You have to bury them
way down deep inside.

You have to say, "Get out
of here, you crazy urges!

You are not welcome
in this brain of mine!"

There are some statistics

that I'd like to share with you now,

and they are numbers.

Some 85% of Pawnee residents

support
abstinence-only education.

And the other 15% are perverts.

- J.K., you guys.
- [Laughs]

And 100% of Pawneeans
are "perd-verts."

- [Laughs]
- That's the name I call

fans of this show

based on the fact
that my name is Perd.

We'll see you
after the break, perd-verts.

[Laughs]

Look, we need an emergency
task force meeting.

What do we do?

Objective studies have shown

that abstinence-only
education doesn't work.

People still have sex.

They don't know how to use protection,

so the disease keeps spreading.

We need to give people
practical knowledge.

Ann Perkins,
your expertise is thrilling,

and frankly, almost arousing,

but the law is the law.

Well, you're on city council now.

- Change the law.
- The people support this.

I couldn't fight those numbers
even if I wanted to.

It's political su1c1de.

So we're just gonna do
the thing we know doesn't work?

- Great plan.
- There's no other option, Ann.

Put away your sex toys

and play with them on your own time.

- [Sighs]
- I did eat all the bananas,

so you can't play with those.

Oh, hey, nice work
on the jobs research.

Shh! Look.

What am I looking at?
He's not doing anything.

That's the point.

This morning he got in,
sat down in there,

and has been staring
straight ahead, doing nothing.

- He's a robot.
- He's not a robot.

He's just thinking.
He's got a lot on his mind.

Yeah, like, "One, one, zero, one.

Must eat babies for fuel."

[Scoffs] Why would a robot

need to consume organic matter?

Sorry.

You know what,
they probably put a TV in there,

and he's watching old speeches
to bone up or something.

Let's go see.

Congressman,

here is the briefing packet
for our strategy meeting later.

Excellent, thank you.

Anything else I can do for you?

No, sir.
All systems are operational.

Great. Stay cool.
Hot one out there today.

Thank you, congressman.

Wikipedia:
Mankind's greatest invention.

you can learn about anything.

Take Ray J, for example.

We all know he's a singer,
he's Brandy's brother,

and he was in that classic sex tape

with Kim Kardashian,

but did you also know
he's Snoop Dogg's cousin

and he was in the '96
Tim Burton movie Mars att*cks?

Suddenly, you're on
the Mars att*cks page.

I love GChat.
You can talk to anybody.

I hit up Brad.Pitt.
It wasn't the actor.

It's actually a guy named Brad
that's a teacher in Pittsburgh.

[g*nshots]

We don't have a lot in common,
but we chat quite a bit.

"Emoji" are little cartoons
you text instead of words.

Instead of saying,
"What up, boo?"

You can type "What up,"
and then a cute, little ghost,

'cause
that means "boo."

There's even a little Indian guy,

but he has a turban on,
which I think is r*cist,

but the Asian guy
also has a r*cist hat on,

and it's like, "Hold up,

didn't Japanese people
invent this?"

Podcasts.
There are a million of 'em,

and they're all amazing.

Jean-Ralphio and I have one
called "Nacho average podcast,"

where we rate
different kinds of nachos.

- It seems like--
- Okay, that's enough!

No more talking.

But you told me
to get it all out of my system.

I had no idea how much
you had in your system.

This is a real problem, Tom.

You are an addict
and you need to change.

I've downloaded
every episode of Intervention.

I know what to do here.

[Sober] You're right.

I am an addict.

I've hurt all my friends
and family with my addiction.

I will accept this gift
of rehabilitation.

I'm proud of you,

but also a bit fearful
that we're verging on

what I call "feelings territory,"

so let's stare at the fire in silence.

I've had a breakthrough, Ron.

What do you say
you chop up some more wood,

and I'll take your car

and go grab us some victory steaks?

Perfect.

I'm so glad
you've come to your senses.

Here's our educational pamphlet.

I recommend you start reading
at chapter three.

"Chapter three.

There's a party in your pants
and no one is invited."

This is crazy.
I mean, obviously,

the best way to prevent disease
is to magically stop all sex,

but that's not gonna happen.

Well, maybe not where you
come from in "Tramp-sylvania."

[Laughs] Good one, honey!

I'm from Michigan!

That wasn't worth saying.

Why are you doing this?
You're gonna get up there

and say a bunch of stuff
you don't believe?

Well, it's the law.

I get that.
I just--

You're not acting like yourself.

Really?
You want to go there?

Go where?

You know where we're going.

No, I have no idea, honestly.

Okay, I guess we're going there.

Are we leaving?

You want me to act like myself?

You're dressed like a cowboy!

So? It's fun,
and I like it.

When you dated Andy,
you dressed in flannels.

When you dated Chris,
you dressed in spandex.

Ann, please do not lecture me
about acting like myself.

You're dressed like an abstinence girl

on the outside!

God, I'm off
my comeback game right now.

You know what? I don't care,
do whatever you want.

Okay.

Girl, you look like Annie Oakley

and Pippi Longstocking
had a baby and I love it.

A deer jumped in front of the car,

and then a bear
jumped in front of the deer!

[Sighs]

"'Tommy-edamame'
is back on the grid.

"Tell everyone to light me up
with their dijjies,

gotta load 'em
into my burner."

Yes, I went to Best Buy
and bought a phone.

Out of the car, now.

Where are we going, Ron?

Are we walking to Best Buy
to get a better phone?

[Synthesizer pop music]

♪ I'm Marshall Langman
and I'm here to say ♪

♪ that sex before marriage
is never the way ♪

♪ I waited till marriage
and then some to do it ♪

♪ if you decide to sin,
you'll rue it! ♪

Word.

Whoo! Whoo!

Thank you very much, Marshall.

Hello, my aged friends.

Some of you might remember
that I was here before.

- I don't remember that.
- Well, I was.

But I have a new message for you.

The best way to be safe
is to simply postpone sex

until marriage.

I am not going to be told
not to have sex

by someone who's ten years my junior.

Amen, Gladys.
You're right!

Not about the age thing,
about the other thing.

Perhaps you might understand it better

if I read to you from this pamphlet,

So you think you know more than God.

"Our bodies are God's gift,

"but they're also
the devil's playground.

"The devil likes to hide

"in all your private nooks
and crannies,

"and if you open too wide,

he might get out, or in."
What--?

Can we just see
the condom demonstration again?

'Cause I don't know
where Lou has been.

Well, I-I wish I-I could,
but I--

Oh, screw it.
Okay, here.

This is a penis, right?

You put a condom on it,
and you pull the tip like this,

and you roll it
all the way down the penis.

Tell you what, condoms for everybody!

Who wants some?

Safe sex for everybody!
[Cheering and commotion]

- Hey!
- This is--

Hey, who wants to party?

It's a censure from the mayor's office.

It's so official.

I mean, look at the paper quality.

This is no joke.

I know I'm supposed
to help educate the public,

but I also have an obligation
to uphold the laws.

You're my boss.
What's my move here?

Actually, Leslie, you're my boss now.

That's right.

Why am I still weirdly scared of you?

I'm very confident
and I make a lot of eye contact.

Hmm.

As your city manager,

I recommend
that you formally apologize

and that, in the future,

you stick to the letter of the law,

but between you and me,
as your best friend...

- Wha--?
- I kind of admire

what you did up there.

Made me happy that I voted for you

as my city council member.

Okay, this is great, just make sure

that you don't go
too tight on him, all right?

- Hey, can I ask you a question?
- Mm.

What's the deal with the congressman?

Seriously, like,
he seems a little robotic...

- [Chuckles]
- Or something?

Yeah, yeah, he's great, yeah.

He turns it on when he has to,

and when he doesn't,
he just sits there.

There's no surprises, it's perfect.

Oh, congressman,
can you just sit in the chair

to test the satellite feed?

Okey-dokey.

Just run through
some of your stump speech.

We've gone through
some difficult times,

but we're from Ohio.
We're tough.

We won't just survive
these dark times,

we will thrive!

That's great.
Good.

Cool beans.

See you guys later.

God, I love him.
He's the best.

I'm sorry I crashed your car.

Please forgive me, Ron.
Please, Ron?

Please?

What are you doing?
Are you going to k*ll me?

Why do you need to be
constantly distracted, Tom?

The truth is

I spend a lot of time
looking at screens

because recently,

a lot of the stuff in my real life

isn't going that great.

So I'd rather play Doodle Jump
then think about that.

Okay?
I'm sorry, I really am.

Go sit in your office

while I consider whether
to turn you in to the judge.

And while you're there,
neither doodle nor jump.

Hey. I just wanted
to come lend my support.

What are you going to say out there?

I don't know.
I got censured, it's a big deal.

Well, if you ask me,
you were elected to lead

and not to follow.

Which is probably
what I should've said

instead of what I did say.

I feel terrible about what I said too.

No, you were right.

I know, but I still feel terrible.

I'm sorry, continue.

I kind of lost myself
in this relationship.

I bought a lasso online, Leslie.

Yikes.

I turned all my jeans
into Daisy Dukes.

My personality kinda gets swept up

in whatever guy I'm dating,
and I want to change that.

I broke it off with Ricky.

Well, that's good, but I'll tell you,

he'll never lasso another heifer

as fine as you, Annie Oakley.

The story of that commercial break is

it's over.

Leslie, what exactly
does "censure" mean?

It means that I have been
formally disciplined

for breaking the law.

Well, you know what they say,
"You break it, you buy it."

That doesn't really apply here.

Tell that to the folks at Pier 1,

an establishment
I'm no longer allowed inside.

Perd, I'd like to apologize.

Thank you.

Apologize for the antiquated
laws in this city.

States that teach
abstinence-only

have the highest rates
of teen pregnancy and STDs.

To continue this policy is insane.

Look, we all want
the same thing, right?

We want fewer unwanted
pregnancies and fewer STDs.

Why don't we use
every w*apon that we have?

I know that most of you
don't agree with me on this,

but I'm going to fight very hard
to change your minds,

and until then,
I will take this censure,

and I will wear it proudly,
like a badge of honor.

Wow, strong words from a woman

who is trying to pin
a piece of paper to her blazer.

Next up on the program,
we hear from you, our fans,

in our new segment,
"Are you there, perd-verts?

It's me, Perd,
hosting a new segment."

[Groans] I'm so bored.

I have something for you, son.

- My iPhone?
- No.

I am giving you
a non-electronic book

made of paper from a tree.

It is called
Auto Repair Manual: 1982.

You will read this book
from cover to cover,

then you will assist me in
repairing the damage to my car.

I will not report you to the judge,

but if you slip up again,
you will have much more to fear

than some feeble
government employee in a robe.

- Thanks.
- Two more things.

When you do get your phone back,

you will not stare at it

when you're talking
with another human being.

Look a man in the eye
when you speak with him.

And second, if you ever need

to discuss your problems
with someone...

find Leslie.
She lives for that crap.

Get to work.

They're k*lling me in the press.

The Pawnee Sun
is calling me "Loose-ly Grope."

But you know what?
I don't even care.

I'm gonna kick all their asses!

I am so fired up!

I'm gonna go right now
and drink, like, 1,000 Red Bulls

so I can draft a new bill
to undo abstinence-only.

Man, you are just a machine.

Get stuff done.

Hey, why don't you send it to me
when you have a draft?

- I'll try to help.
- You're the greatest.

But you're gonna have
to take out a lot of cursing,

'cause like I said,
I am very fired up.

Well, you go get 'em.
I love you.

I love you too.
What are you wearing?

I can't do that right now.

[Laughs]

- Yo, you ready to go?
- Why, yes, I am, April!

Let's go now!

What's wrong with you?

[Fake laugh] Wonderful!

Hey, be careful out there.

Traffic is nuts
on the streets and roads.

Oh, no!
They got you!

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ah, ha, ha.

Terrific!
Hey, I'm hungry.

Let's go eat some batteries--
I mean, human food.

Hey, uh, batteries--

I mean, human food sounds good to me.

Wonderful.

- Let's go.
- [Laughs]