05x07 - Leslie vs. April

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Parks and Recreation". Series aired April 9, 2009 to February 24, 2015.*
Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise


Public officials in an Indiana town pursue a series of projects to make their city a better town.
Post Reply

05x07 - Leslie vs. April

Post by bunniefuu »

2020.

Uh... that's a stretch.

Fine. 2024.

I win, we move in there.

I'll take the West Wing.
You take the East Wing.

You can be the first gentleman.

Actually, that sounds kind of great.

Thanks for coming with
me to get my stuff.

How could I pass up an opportunity

to look at our future house?

Oh, just remembered.

I kind of got you an engagement present.

Is it a waffle tower?

I mean, it's a little better than that.

Claudia Welders.

Uh, that--
how did--

- How did you do this?
- Called in a few favors.

Excuse me.

A few hundred favors.

Mr. Vice President.

Ben Wyatt from congressman
Murray's office.

Hey, Ben. Dave told me you
were gonna be coming by.

And you must be Leslie Knope.

Welcome. Welcome.

You're--my name just
came out of your mouth.

Well, yeah, it did.

This isn't happening.

This isn't real.

No, it's happening,

and I'm delighted to have you here.

On behalf of the president and myself,

- I wanted to-- - Oh,
Mr. Vice President,

I am deeply flattered,

but there's no way
that I could take over

Madam Secretary Clinton's position.

- I mean-- -
I'm confident

you could do that job
or any other, but--

Okay, I will.

Well, the reason you're here is I'm told

you've done such a great job

in your town and in
the state of Indiana,

and I just want to say congratulations

for your public service.

And I just want to say thank you.

Well, you-- you're
very welcome.

You're very welcome.

Hey-- y-you're
very welcome.

- You're very handsome.
- I think we're all done.

- Well, you're very nice.
- Okay. Thank you.

Thank-- thank
you very much.

Thank you very much.
We'll see you tomorrow.

Well-- Oh,
well, you will?

Thank you, Mr. Vice President.

Y-you're welcome.

You don't let anything happen
to him, you understand me?

He is precious cargo.

Yeah, it's actually the same
accounting firm I almost joined

last year, and they
gave me a great package--

Three weeks of vacation,
matching 401,

and a pretty sweet windbreaker.

- Wow.
- I'm getting married,

and I wanted a good stable job,

so I'm going back to Accounting.

So just call me Bond,

municipal bond.

Yeah, that joke k*lled
at the accounting firm.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Mr. Looks
and Professor Books.

He's Looks. I got it.

Of course you do,
Books. What's going on?

Well, fun fact: Ben just got
an amazing accounting job.

Regular fact: I have to go to a meeting.

Un-fun fact: My uncle
just had a stroke.

Well, I'm off.

This is actually a crazy coincidence.

I have a new company

and could use your help
on the math side of things.

- Oh, what's the new company?
- We specialize in making stacks

on stacks on stacks on stacks.

Right. Pass.

I'm kidding.

It's a real idea.

So get
this--

Kids are always growing
out of their clothes,

so their parents don't
want to buy 'em nice things.

I'm gonna rent my upscale clothing

to middle school kids,
because I discovered

I'm roughly the same size as
the average Pawnee 12-year-old.

That's actually a really great idea.

I know. Can you take a
look at the business plan,

tell me what do you think?

- Sure. Why not?
- Awesome.

Washington, D.C. has

more dog parks per
capita than most cities.

Pawnee only has
two dog parks--

this one and that one,

which is also an active parking lot.

Can you say "per capita" again?

I want to take a picture
of you saying "per capita."

- Stop.
- I am so proud of you.

Now stand next to the
screen and think about

all the strong female
role models in your life.

- Gross.
- April came to me

with an idea to build
a dog park in Pawnee.

I recognized her
potential a long time ago,

and she's finally living up to it.

I mean, I am so proud of her,

I could cry.

And... here we go.

One tiny critique.

If you do want to be taken seriously,

you might want to think a little bit

about how you present yourself.

No, this is publicity

for Orin's new performance art show.

He's an animal living on a human farm.

And you can go and feed
him from your own hand.

Ugh, that's horrifying,

and so is Orin.

You should not be friends with him.

So, after reviewing all the options,

I found that the best
location for the dog park

is Lot 48,

the one behind Ann's house.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

I've been trying to put a
park there for four years.

See, the thing is,
April, that lot is mine.

I've been doing slow, painstaking work

so I don't want to whip
out the legalese on you now,

but I got dibs.

What we are gonna do

is we're gonna take your enthusiasm,

we're gonna bundle it up,

and we're gonna find a
new place for a dog park.

Doesn't that sound fun?

One, two, three, cheese. Good girl.

Good morning, Andy.

Okay, something is
different about my computer.

Aha. It's gone.

A game is the foot.

See, part of the police
academy entrance exam

is investigating a crime.

So about a month ago I
told everyone in the office

that, at some point, they
should steal something

from my desk so I could practice.

Let's do this.

Wait, hey, did you guys
take my glasses too?

They got my sunglasses too.

I was in Miami last weekend.

I took my talents to South Beach.

How do you spend your time in Miami?

Maybe fencing stolen computers?

Yes, I took your government computer

from Indiana to Miami

to sell it on the black market

for 150 bucks.

Ha-ha, you don't know it, but
you just gave yourself away.

Gotta say, I'm impressed.

Your mission statement made sense,

and you didn't use one R. Kelly lyric.

Yes.

So you want to be my CFO?

Well, I already have a job,

but I'll help as a friend.

As long as you take
what I say seriously.

I don't want another
Entertainment 720 disaster

on our hands.

Yeah, it was a disaster.

Too bad we didn't see it coming.

All right, what's my first move?

You know, I think any of
the four previous locations

would work, but there's
something about this place.

It just has a really good energy here,

you know? lots of natural light.

It's tiny and awful and loud.

And it's zone 14B, industrial
waste clean-up site.

We should technically be
wearing Hazmat suits right now.

It seems like the kind of
place a ska band would go

to sh**t heroin.

Come on, guys, this is a
great place for a dog park.

I mean, look, there's
already a dog here.

Oh, my God. I had that exact doll

when I was a kid.

This is-- this is
traumatic for me.

Well, I'm sorry, but lot 48
is the only one that works.

And I'm definitely bringing it up

at the next city council meeting.

April, please, I beg of you,

I will do anything to
keep you from doing that.

Okay. Saw off your pinky toe.

- No.
- Shave your head.

- No.
- Have sex with Jerry.

No.

Well, I tried to be reasonable.

I have created a monster.

And now I need to destroy her.

What do I do, Joe?

Well, Leslie,

look into my eyes, take a deep breath,

and everything will be fine.

Thanks, Joe.

God, he's good.

Ron, thank you for agreeing to see me.

I didn't. You just walked
in here and started talking.

I don't have time for a history lesson.

Look, I am trying to
remove parking meters,

and there is a guy in Public Works

who's being a real thorn about it.

- Which guy?
- Ricky Jordache.

Never heard of him. What's his deal?

He's new. He used to be a slacker,

but now he's realizing
his full potential,

but at what cost?

He's smart, and he's beautiful,

and I think of him in
many ways as a daughter,

but that would be
crazy 'cause he's a man

and his name's Ricky.

Here's my question.

How did you used to slow me down

when I was becoming too me-ish?

Sometimes I'd just give you busy work.

I once had you put together a brochure

about different kinds
of Indiana topsoil.

That soil brochure was not busy work.

I mean, people still refer
to Mulch Ado About Nothing.

And if you were particularly
amped up about a project,

I'd take you to JJ's and
distract you with waffles.

Those were distraction waffles?

I thought they were friendship waffles.

Breakfast food can serve many purposes.

But what if this person,
this Ricky, who is real,

doesn't like waffles

or anything.

Everybody has something
they're passionate about.

Just figure out what it is,
express an interest in it,

and divert his attention.

Howdy, neighbors.

Welcome to human farm.

Here's your animal feed.
Please don't feed the animals.

Wow, this is really, really cool.

I like the statement it's making

that, you know, we're
all in cages in a way.

Yeah, it's actually
about death and the city.

Yeah. I see that now.

Hi, Orin.

Ms. Wicks, if you've read our proposal,

you'll see that an
alliance between Rent-A-Swag

and Sweetums could be
mutually beneficial.

Well, I must say it's a much better idea

than the last one you had,

that gourmet French food thing.

Oh, my escargot delivery
service, Snail Mail.

So you want to partner
up and make history?

I mean, you've already made history

as the world's most beautiful CEO.

I'm really sorry, cutie.

The company's laying low right now

due to a small mishap.

Ah, yes.

The Sweetums molasses
storage vat exploded,

resulting in a slow-moving
ecological disaster.

Well, all press is good press.

No, this was bad press.

A lot of homes were
very gradually flooded.

People d*ed.

Actually, speaking of,

we're starting up a
non-profit foundation

to restore our name.

Any interest in running it?

Oh, I'm--I'm sorry, you want
me to run your non-profit wing?

I know that Bobby Newport is my stepson,

but the work you did on
Leslie's campaign was amazing.

Your name is on our short list.

Just to clarify,

it's a no to me on all fronts,

and you're offering Ben a job?

- Yeah.
- Cool. Cool.

Been looking at your file all day,

Jerry-- if that even
is your real name.

It's not. My real name is Gary.

Well, Gary--if that
even is your real name--

Somebody stole my computer.
Now, if you're a criminal,

look at me,

you have to tell me legally,

or else it's considered entrapment.

I'm sorry, Andy. It wasn't me.

Oh, man, really?

- No.
- Okay.

Okay, so we know it's not Jerry,

unless he was lying to me.

I can never tell when
people are lying to me.

Hopefully that doesn't
come up in my police work.

I think we should do
more stuff like this.

You know, I think Pawnee
needs an amazing arts program.

Maybe you should just drop
everything and coordinate it.

I'm not stupid.

What is that supposed to mean?

It means that the only
reason you brought me here

is to distract me from the dog park.

- You hate this show.
- I love this show.

- What's your favorite
part? - The heavy-handedness.

You know what, I have to go talk

to Councilman Jamm right now.

Why are you talking to Councilman Jamm?

Because I told him
about the dog park idea,

and he loves it. He
thinks it's a great idea.

He's gonna support my motion

at the city council meeting tomorrow,

and he gave me a really
cool dental mirror

to check out my molars.

Our dispute aside, you
should be careful with Jamm.

He's a snake, I'm telling you.

Yeah, like I should trust you
out of all people right now.

Moo.

- Moo.
- Quiet, weirdo.

Aren't you supposed to be a sheep?

No. You are.

Oh, shut up.

Tom would make a great
profile for your show.

I mean, this is a guy who's learned

through an unbelievable series
of bonehead business moves.

Not to mention in the last month alone

three people have confused me

for a shorter, Indian Ryan Gosling.

It's interesting, but
I think I need to wait

until the business has been around

for a few months, make sure it's viable.

You're the guy who ran
the congressional campaign

- in Washington, right?
- Yeah.

What, are you gonna offer him a job?

Yes. We're launching

a new political chat show,
and we need correspondents.

Oh, well, thank you,

but I'm a little shaky on live TV.

That's okay. People want authenticity.

- Think about it?
- Didn't you hear him?

He stinks on TV.

He sweats. He stutters.

It's like The King's Speech,

but the first part, before he's fixed.

That was my favorite part of the movie.

What is happening?

Chris Traeger.

Yup. Hi, Andy.

I know you did it.

Did what?

Don't play stupid and handsome with me.

You stole my computer
so that I could practice

for my police exam.

You're as guilty as you are sexy.

Andy, another computer
was reported stolen

from the offices on the other side

of the courtyard.

I don't think

this is part of your police training.

I think City Hall was robbed.

I can't tell if you're lying to me.

- Really?
- I think.

Like a real crime? That's even better.

Next order of business:

It's agenda item 280B,

a motion to construct a dog park

on municipal lot 48.

Ms. Ludgate, you have the floor.

Thank you, Councilman Jamm.

Your help and general non-awfulness

is much appreciated.

Leslie, members of the Council,

I believe that municipal
lot 48 should be a dog park.

Boo. Boo.

Well, it sounds like there's
considerable opposition to this,

so I'm sorry, Ms. Ludgate,

you should go now.

Really? I just heard one hag booing.

Ladies, please, let's keep this civil.

Councilman, Pawneeans,

satisfied customers
of Jamm Orthodontics,

as we discuss what type
of park to put on lot 48,

I had a thought.

How about no park?

Who here thinks parks are stupid?

Let the record show that
everyone is raising their hands.

I happen to know for a
fact that Pawnee's favorite

fast food restaurant, Paunch
Burger, needs a new location.

Now, seeing as how the
future of lot 48 is open

for debate, I move we
sell it to Paunch Burger

for a nice profit.


You don't even have to be
Asian to do math that simple.

You told me you wanted a dog park.

Uh, psych.

That's not fair. You lied to me.

You just got jammed.

I hate when he says that.

I told you that Jamm was a snake.

Well, it takes a snake to know a snake.

- So now I'm a snake?
- Yes.

You deceived me for two straight days,

and you eat mice.

- I don't eat mice.
- Yes, you do.

You're a mouse eater. Mouse eater.

- Mouse eater.
- Enough!

You are friends and coworkers.

In this office, we treat
each other with respect.

Hey, April, how is that dog park coming?

- Get out, Jerry.
- This is private!

Sorry, guys.

We are not leaving here
until you two figure this out.

Ron, guard the door.

Yes, sir.

No one leaves the Octagon.

I dated an ultimate fighter.

It was like a thing he said.

What's the play here, officer?

You gonna set up a perimeter,

maybe bug a few phones?

Ooh, I know. We could put out

a dummy computer for them to steal,

fill it with expl*sives first,

Boom, take 'em all out.

Yeah, we're not doing any of that.

Andy, I love your enthusiasm,
but we don't really have

the kind of money to launch
a massive investigation.

You're just gonna fill
out this stupid report

and that's it?

As a future cop, you have to understand,

I cannot let this guy go.

Look, man, this is what
most police work is.

Just writing stuff down.

It's not superhero time.

If it sounds boring,

maybe you ought to do something else.

Maybe we should find the person

who stole his positive attitude.

Hey, man.

Hey, man. Get any more job offers

since I last saw you?

Yeah, but it was just
a management position

at Urban Outfitters.

I turned it down.

I don't know, man.
Maybe I can't hack this.

Maybe I should take a cue from you

and stick with my boring day job.

Well, my accounting job isn't boring.

If it was remotely interesting,

there would be a show on A&E about it.

They have a show about
storage unit auctions.

Fair point.

Look, if you're passionate about this,

keep at it. Things will turn around.

Also can you tell me what time

that show about storage units is on?

9:30.

All right, I'm
gonna have to force this.

Leslie, maybe you want to admit

that you haven't been
the greatest role model.

I don't care. Orin's my role model.

April, maybe you want to admit

that you've been a little selfish

and inconsiderate.

Look, all I ever wanted was
for you to show the enthusiasm

you showed for your dog
park, and, when you did,

I blew it.

- And I'm sorry.
- Fine.

I'm sorry that I outsmarted
you at every turn.

- April.
- And I know I have a lot

to learn from you, and I'm sorry

that I disrespected your stupid dream.

A lot of love in this room.

- I'm very, very sorry.
- Me too.

- I love you very much.
- I love you too.

I don't want to do this in front of her.

- Okay.
- Okay, Ann,

since you're such a
genius, what do we do now?

Neither of you want
Jamm to win, nor do I,

because I hate Paunch Burger,

but, if there is one in my
backyard, I will eat there,

like, every night, and that is no good.

So I say we stop playing
dirty with each other,

and we start playing dirty with Jamm.

Yes. We'll have triple-sex with him.

No. I have an idea. It's very uncool,

but it's not illegal, technically,

but it is a d*ck move.

I love it.

Hey, Captain.

Status update:

My new suspect--the dude
who runs Carpet Emporium.

The way I figure it is,

criminals love to
wrap things up in rugs.

Plus, he yelled at me when I
tried to unroll 'em all, so...

Andy, while I appreciate your dedication

to finding this criminal,

I think you might want
to take into account

what the policeman said.

I mean, gosh,

if I can't even investigate bad guys,

why become a cop at all?

What are you doing?

When I get bummed out,
I take my shirt off

because the bad feelings
make me feel sweaty.

You know what, maybe I should bail

on being a cop.

City Hall needs a new
part-time security guard

for the weekends.

You want to do that?

Look at it as a way to feel out

whether you want to be a police officer.

But, keep in mind, if you take this job,

you must keep your
clothes on at all times,

even if you get sad.

No deal.

Okay, I'll do it.

- That a boy.
- I'll do it. I promise.

And I get a g*n,

and I can point it in people's faces.

Incorrect.

Hey. What the hell is going on?

Oh, hello, Councilman.

The dogs are here because
there's no dog park

in your neighborhood,
and the kids are here

because there's no
human park in your area.

They all needed a place to play.

My front lawn?

That's right,

and they're gonna keep using it

until there's an actual park nearby.

Hey, hey, lady, get
that thing off my gnome.

He is dry-humping my garden gnome.

- Stupid beast.
- Councilman Jamm, we just need

a little bit more time
to design our park.

And, if you plow through and ignore us,

this is gonna be your life.

I'll call the police.

Yeah, sic the police on a
bunch of kids and puppies.

- That's a great photo op.
- Fine.

Gentleman's agreement.

In 90 days, we'll put
our plans to a vote.

- Winner take all.
- Deal.

Great, now call off the actual dogs.

I want these kids off my lawn.

I want that hula hoop off my 'Vette.

Right now. Hey, Jamm.

You just got knoped. And ludgated.

- And perkinsed.
- Ha-ha.

Nice try. It didn't work.

You just got jammed.

Okay, so let's get to work.

Wait, wait, wait, do you
never just take a second

to enjoy things?

I just said, "Let's get to work."

How else do people enjoy things?

I know you changed
your mind the last time

we offered you a job,

but we are just thrilled

that you changed it again.

Thank you. Me too.

This is our best office.

As you can see through the window,

you have a great view of
the billing department.

- Hey, Sharon!
- Shh.

Sorry. She's fun.

So, please,

if there's anything we can do

to make you happier in your new job,

just let me know.

Oh, no, this is great, Barney.

Thank you.

But I have to quit

again.

What-- ohh! Is this
a classic Ben joke?

No. I'm really sorry.

But I just don't want to do this.

I need to move my life
in another direction.

This is disappointing. Again.

Maybe someday we'll figure
out the magic formula

that gets you to work here.

Well, formulas are
my formula for moolah.

Ted, get in here!

Ben's quitting again, but
you gotta hear what he said.

Leslie's been saying for
weeks I should do something

I love, and she's right.

And I'll help Tom or maybe
try to do that TV thing

or maybe work for the
Sweetums foundation.

I don't know. Life is short.

Why be an accountant, you know?

I mean, other than the
stability and the health plan

and the above-average pay.

Oh, God, this better work out.
Post Reply