05x08 - Pawnee Commons

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Welcome to "Thought For Your Thoughts."

I'm your host Derry Murbles,

sitting in for Nina Joplin,

who is touring the country
performing a spoken-word opera

about pear-shaped women.

My guest today is City Councilwoman

Leslie Knope.

It is a pleasure to be back, Derry.

Your show last week on dolphin lactation

was just riveting radio.

Derry, my team and I are
trying to build a park,

and we need input on the design

from you, the citizens of Pawnee.

So I guess I'm here to
send out the Bat-Signal.

A Bat-Signal, for listeners
who might not know,

refers to the children's
character "the Bat-Man"

a strong gentleman who
fights crime nocturnally.

That's correct. Well put.

This park is going to be
a celebration of Pawnee

by Pawnee and for Pawnee.

So, you know, send in your plan

or your resume... And quick.

Please. Hurry.

This is all gonna fall
apart if you don't hurry.

Coming up after the break,

movie reviews with Ken Tucker

who is filling in for David Bianculli

who's in New York
filling in for Ken Tucker.

Leslie, would you like to
introduce the next segment?

Okay.

"Now it's time for 'Jazz
Plus Jazz Equals Jazz, '

"today we have a
recording of Benny Goodman

played over a separate
recording of Miles Davis."

Research shows that
our listeners love jazz.

All right, so this is a letter

from what looks like
a federal penitentiary.

"Here's a model

"of what I thought the
park could look like.

Also, I'm innocent.
Please find me a lawyer."

I'm getting kind of worried.

I mean, we have not received
one usable idea so far.

Hang on. Look at this guy.

"30 years of experience

"with a degree in architecture
from the Royal Danish Academy

of Fine Arts in Copenhagen."

Wow! Beautiful fountain.

Perfectly manicured shrubbery.

This is like Parks Department p*rn.

This guy is great.

I don't care if he's some
junkie w*r criminal pimp.

I am not gonna change my mind.

His name's Wreston St.
James. He's from Eagleton.

Oh, I've changed my mind.

I'm not being melodramatic when I say

that people from Eagleton
are snobby and evil,

and they look down on Pawnee,
and they would most likely

exterminate everyone
who isn't from Eagleton

if they weren't so busy being
obsessed with themselves.

God, that was close.

Sometimes when I rant about Eagleton,

I forget to breathe, and I pass out.

No. We cannot have someone from Eagleton

design a park for Pawnee.

We have had a blood feud
that has lasted for 200 years.

Well, we don't have a lot of time,

and he is the first decent candidate.

So let's at least go meet the guy.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Then we can reject
him face-to-face.

I like your plan.

Friends, former lovers,

acquaintances, Jerry,

I introduce you to the future home of...

Rent-A-Swag!

Yikes!

Much like women in '90s
stand-up comedy routines,

Tommy be shopping.

I started a business where I
rent my fancy clothes to teens

so their parents don't
have to buy them nice things

they'll just grow out of.

So if you see a
14-year-old kid

wearing a Louis Vuitton
cravat, you know who to thank.

Me.

And Louis Vuitton for
making some dope-ass cravats.

Son, I love wildlife,

but is a store the best place for it?

- Help.
- The place needs some work,

but this is a great location.

Lots of foot traffic,
no metered parking.

And it's well within my fiscal range.

Good use of the word
fiscal, Tommy-- very upscale.

Very impressive. Watching
you gives me faith

that anyone can reinvent themselves.

Tommy Timberlake is dead.

Long live Thomas M.
Haverford, responsible tycoon.

Help. I can't move.

He designed this place? What a dump.

Ben! Leslie. Hi!

- Hi.
- Wreston St. James.

- Thank you so much for coming.
- No, thank you.

Well, what do you think
of our newest park?

Eh. In a word, underwhelming.
And a little inconvenient.

There's no trash cans anywhere.

What am I supposed
to do with my garbage,

- just throw it on the ground?
- Oh, hey.

Thank you for the trash!

Mr. St. James, I have to say,

- this park is incredible.
- Thank you.

Its official name is
"Five Mile Grounds",

but we like to call it
"Wide smiles abound."

Because of all the smiles that occur?

It's so boring.

Come on, I'll take you
guys on a little tour.

Great. He seems super-cool.

He seems cool. Just you wait.

Well, they always wine
and dine you first,

but the fact of the matter is

Eagletonians are, without exception,

snobby, condescending jerks.

This is the Pawnee side of
our border with Eagleton...

And this is the Eagleton side.

Ah. Uhh.

Hey, babe, it's me.

Will you come down here,
please, and keep me company?

I'm so bored. I need you.

If I come down there, can
I at least break something?

Of course, baby.
Anything. You know that.

Chris gave me this great job

as a weekend security
guard at City Hall.

Only one problem--
it's a terrible job.

I did everything I was supposed to do,

and I walked around
the building four times.

Only 20 minutes has gone by.

Ugh! Thought maybe
ten minutes had gone by

since I started talking.

It's only been 15 seconds.

Ohh...

Oh, babe, thank God you're here.

I got so bored, I started
thinking about existence--

"Do I matter? Do any of us?

Is there a master plan in
the works, a grand design?"

- Just dumb stuff like that.
- Ugh! Who cares?

I thought being a security guard

would be exciting.

Nope.

Wait a minute.

Isn't this how all great
Bert Macklin cases start?

It's quiet.

A little too quiet.

As you can see, we like to
keep things quite immaculate.

I remember when Pawnee had
that massive sewage overflow

in Circle Park-- whatever
happened with that?

- We totally fixed it.
- Well, except for the smell.

The scientists think it's going
to linger for another 40 years.

Can we just cut to the chase here?

Why would a fancy
Eagleton architect like you

want to design a tiny Pawnee park?

Well, I heard your plea on the radio,

and you were so passionate
about the project.

It doesn't matter if it's
a giant park like this

or a little tiny pocket park.

It's about the people.

We're here to serve them.

Hey, Mr. St. James!

Oh, our balloon artisan
is out of balloons.

Excuse me.

I have chills. Look at my arm.

Why are you so charmed by him?

You're like a Southern belle
when Rhett Butler comes around.

Yes. Rhett Butler. That's
who he reminds me of.

Or Bono!

What?

No one from Eagleton
has ever wanted to help

anyone from Pawnee for any reason.

In 1988, we were hit by a tornado.

We asked Eagleton for help,

and they claimed they weren't home.

An entire town claimed
they weren't home.

I don't trust that guy for a second.

Leslie, look what Wreston commissioned

from the balloon artisan.

It's us.

Great work, team.

Donna, you and your work
are ravishing, as usual.

Ann, great organizational skills.

Wow. Genuine praise.

It's a tip I picked up from
Lee Iacocca's autobiography.

A small connection between
you and your workers

helps build loyalty.

Jerry! How's the old ticker?

Oh. Well, uh, the
rehab is grueling--

Great! Glad to hear it.

Yo, Roomba, drop a b*at!

♪ Hi ho, hi ho

Rent-A-Swag is
gonna be the opposite

of Entertainment720.

This is my last chance.

If this goes down in
flames, I will have nothing

except my looks.

I could always pimp myself
out to hot older ladies.

I need to remember that.

May, 1817.

A scrappy group of
frontiersmen and women

arrive at a hardscrabble chunk of land

and call it Pawnee, Indiana.

We owe them a debt of gratitude.

Mm. June, 1817, the richest among them

take all of their money from the bank

and then flee up the hill like cowards

to form Eagleton.

Recognize any of your
ancestors among the meanies?

Actually, like most
people from the area,

I have ancestors on both sides.

That's why I think this
rivalry is just a little silly

- and self-defeating. -
Yeah, you may not know this,

but Leslie was actually
born in Eagleton.

Do not blame me for
the sins of my mother.

Look, Ms. Knope, I'm really trying here,

but I just don't know
if our working together

is such a great idea.

Oh... running away so soon. Typical.

You know, say what you
want about Pawneeans,

but we never give up.

We have a mural called "The
Many Surrenders of Pawnee."

Oh, look who's paying
attention to me now!

Okay. Can I speak to you
privately for a minute?

The name is special agent Bert Macklin.

Tell me who you are, who you work for,

and don't bother trying to lie to me,

because I'm amazing.

My name is Judy h*tler,

and I am the spoiled
only daughter of Adolf.

And I'm going to tell my Daddy

you were mean to me, Bert Macklin.

He's not going to like it very much.

- So untie me!
- Nice try, Miss h*tler,

but you have something that I want.

Where's the necklace with
all of Germany's w*r secrets?

I don't know what you are talking about.

- I think you do!
- I don't!

Now, you give me that
w*r-ending necklace,

or I will resort to t*rture.

Fine. I will show you
where it is, damn it.

You're too good, Macklin.

Don't you do it, h*tler.

Don't you dare fall in love with me.

Oh, h*tler, you sexy bastard. No!

- Yes!
- Mm... Mm!

Aah!

I am just filled to
the brim with questions.

Why are you using this wood?

Is it more pliable? What
are these metal latches?

Are they copper or brass? Is one better?

And if so, why?

If I tell you, then you
won't have learned anything.

Another in a long line of lessons

from the great Ron Swanson.

My therapist, Dr. Richard Nygard,

suggested that I try some
non-exercise-based hobbies.

So I've been studying
woodworking with Ron.

I made this.

Before I started, it was bigger.

Here. I have designed
something very important.

Why don't you start
work on that right away?

Yes, sir!

It's a flight of stairs
that leads to nowhere.

Were you listening to him

when he was talking
about serving the public

and making our communities better?

You know who he sounds like, right?

Yes. Idi Amin.

- Or Lord Voldemort.
- No. You.

Now, you've been very rude to him,

and you need to apologize.

Ha ha ha. You are a laugh riot, Ben.

I am never going to apologize
to someone from Eagleton.

All right. So you can kiss your park

and four years of work good-bye.

Up to you.

Come on. You can do it.

- I don't want
to. - You can--

You can do it.

Mr. St. James,

this has been a strange day.

But we wouldn't want to leave you

with the wrong impression of Pawnee.

Have you guys seen h*tler?

Anyway, we would love

to have you design the park,

and in the spirit of reconciliation,

Leslie would like to apologize.

I may have allowed my prejudices,

my totally legitimate
prejudices against Eagleton

affect my feelings towards your
involvement in this project,

and so therefore,

I would like to
say that I'm--

I'm...

I'm Leslie Knope.

No.

That's not what I want to say. Okay.

I'm...

Sss...

My mouth is kinda dry.

My mouth is dry. This is Canada Dry.

Drink Canada Dry if your mouth is dry.

That's nothing. What I want to say is

I'm s...

I'm sor...

I'm
sor--

He's a human being.
You're a human being.

You can just--
just say--

I'm
sor--

- Oh, my God.
- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I--
I'm sorry, very sorry,

that I was rude.

- It's too soon.
- You know what,

as a gesture of good will,
I'd like to waive my fee.

I'll design the park pro bono.

Thank you.

That's very nice of
you. I've been working up

a little model of the design.
Why don't I bring it over,

and we can all go through it together.

Great. And then you
can come to our wedding.

- Huh?
- What?

It's in May, and we
haven't planned it yet,

but save the date.

I was never here.

- Ah!
- Aah!

Well done, team.

What do you think of the place?

Do you really like this yellow paint?

I mean, I know it was on sale,

but it looks a lot like dried phlegm.

For real, Tom. This place is sad.

I think one of the mannequins
tried to commit su1c1de.

I think what's important
is we all had a goal,

and we achieved it.

- So you like the place?
- Oh, no, it's quite terrible.

This is the best I can do for now.

And I'm $46 under budget.

Now I have a small treat for you guys

for all your hard work.

Pizza party!

One small pizza for all of us.

With no toppings.

Cheese is a topping, Jerry.

And why are these lights
blaring, by the way?

Does someone here own stock
in the electric company?

If there were more
food and fewer people,

this would be a perfect party.

You can't run, h*tler.

82nd airborne is everywhere!

History channel.

Ho ho ho!

What is this?

A child spy, sent to steal the necklace?

Bert Macklin, FBI! Freeze!

I didn't do anything!

- Yeah, bad call, Bert.
- Oh.

Oh, hey, I'm just kidding, buddy.

I'm just playing around.
My name's really Andy Dwyer.

I'm a security guard.

- What's your name?
- Joey.

I was with my mom, and I got lost.

Oh. Well, gosh, don't worry about that.

I've gotten lost here about 500 times,

and I work here.

What do you say we
go find your mom, huh?

She's not in there. I'll bet.

Let's try this way.

Hello?

Ms. Knope, Mr. Wyatt?

We're from Wreston St. James' firm.

Oh, hey, come on in.

Where's Wreston?

He's on his way. He
wanted us to get started.

Aw! Oh, well. Okay, I guess go ahead.

We present the Crown Jewel of Pawnee

containing the sights,
sounds, and most importantly,

smells that define your city.

There are several drool buckets

for your more... slack-jawed citizens.

We also have food troughs
full of cheeseburgers

and public showers

with instructions for those
who've never showered before.

You have five seconds
to get out of here...

Or I will rip your throats out.

Out. Now.

Oh, hey, my backyard is
bigger than your park.

Leslie,
stay back, stay back.

I told you that Eagletonians
are awful, terrible people.

They call their boogers Pawnee caviar.

I'm on your side,

and I'm furious too.

But this just doesn't make sense to me.

I'm gonna talk to Wreston,

and I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

Any excuse to talk to Wreston.

Well, I am gonna think
about a revenge plan.

I know what we're gonna do.

We're gonna find out where he lives.

We're gonna drive to his house.

We're gonna set it on
fire and watch it burn.

Leslie, we can't do that.

You're right. We can't.

All right, so...

Does this look familiar?

- No, not at all.
- I was talking to Joey.

- Joey!
- Mommy!

There you are.

Oh, God, I was so worried.

Thank you so much.

You'll never know how
much I appreciate it.

Well, just doing my job, ma'am.

Thank you for saving me, Andy.

Thank you, too, miss h*tler.

- What?
- Don't worry about it.

Wow. You made those losers very happy.

Oh, no, I didn't.

- Bert Macklin did.
- No...

- FBI.
- Actually,

Bert Macklin kinda made
that little boy cry.

Well, he's a rogue agent who
refuses to play by the rules.

Seriously, I think Andy
Dwyer makes a better real cop

than Bert Macklin. Maybe
it's time for Bert Macklin

to hang up his shades.

Can I get you something to drink?

Iced tea, please. And can I ask you,

how are there palm trees here?

Well, Eagleton lies
on top of a hot spring

which creates a micro-climate zone.

We are... truly blessed.

God, I'm so sorry I'm late.

What the hell happened, man?

I had nothing to do
with that stupid prank.

In fact, that's why I'm late.

I was f*ring the two
people who were responsible,

and I was escorting
them out of the building.

Well... Good!

Full disclosure: Certain
people in the firm

wanted to promote them, but
I insisted they be fired.

If you swear to me that you're serious,

maybe we can salvage this.

I would really love to.
But what about Leslie?

I just doubt that she can ever get over

the bad blood between our towns.

I think you're wrong.

Leslie is a very forgiving person.

Revenge! Ha ha hal

This is for Pawnee, you
butt-faced pompous jerk!

Whoo!

I love you, Ben.

Pawnee forever!

You want a stupid tie?
I'll give you a stupid tie.

Ha ha! Wreston, suck it.

- Now we're even.
- Leslie.

- Huh?
- He didn't do it,

and he fired the people who did.

Attention, please.

I've been going over the books,

and I'm missing $9.

Now, I'm not angry at whoever took it.

Just come forward.

You'll be served with a lawsuit,

and we will move on with our lives.

Hey, buddy, let's go
get some breakfast, okay?

Fine. It was your
idea, so you're paying.

You're driving. I'm
not chipping in for gas.

Okay. All right.

I'll have the pancake breakfast.

Oh, let me also get 12 eggs, uncooked,

and some toast.

20 slices, untoasted, in a row in a bag.

You want a carton of
eggs and a loaf of bread.

Yeah, just the pancake
breakfast is fine.

Don't offer to pay if
you're gonna be cheap.

Listen, man, I know you don't
want to repeat the mistakes

of Entertainment 720, and that's great,

but you're gonna need a
little bit of the old Tom

to make this business work.

No. That Tom ruined everything.

Yes, he did,

and that Tom made you
a horrible boyfriend

and a terrible employee
and drove you to bankruptcy.

Are we nearing the point?

But your swagger and your showmanship

and your confidence is part of you,

and in small doses, it can help.

You can't have Rent-A-Swag
without the swag.

I barely have enough cash
to get everything set up.

I know. Take this.

We all chipped in. Use
it to spruce up the store.

And in return you can give us

like one share of stock in the company.

Like a mini public offering.

"Smort", Ann. Smort.

This is a cause for celebration.

Waiter! Eight strips of bacon, uncooked,

in a sealed package.

I call it the Pawnee Commons,

a celebration of Pawnee's
history and people.

A Wamapoke-themed playground...

Food trucks from local restaurants,

Li'l Sebastian fountain.

- I mean, it's perfect.
- Thank you.

I can't see myself fighting you

on more than 60% of these ideas.

I'd expect no less. I'm
just glad you like it.

I've never met two people

more passionate about their hometown.

Oh, I'm actually from Minnesota.

Why do you know so much about Pawnee?

Well, I'm in love
with a woman from here.

A strange, passionate,
goof ball of a woman.

Me. He's in love with me.

I'm sorry to see you go, Macklin.

You didn't always play by the rules,

but damn it, you were
a hell of an agent.

Today I say good-bye to the
only life I've ever known.

Well, some of the boys chipped in

and we got you...

This.

It isn't much, but it's
something to remember us by.

40 years undercover. I
never even met my family.

- What?
- And this is all I have

to show for it?

Totally worth it.

It's been a pleasure
serving with you, son.

If you ever need me, you
know where to find me--

In bed next to you,
probably having sex with you.

Welcome to the
new new Rent-A-Swag

now with 30% more swag.

I used the money you guys gave me

to add a little flair,

and I took everything I own in my house

and brought it here, except for my bed.

I basically live here now.

I hate all of this,

which probably means it's
good for your business.

Ron, my woodworking project--
it's for displaying shoes!

Yes. That was always the plan.

All right,
Rent-A-Swag team,

I have one more little
surprise for you--pizza party!

- Part Two.
- Oh, wow!

Two pizzas. And toppings!

Only on half. I'm not Zuckerberg.

Eat up, chumps.