05x09 - Ron and Diane

[bunniefuu]

Merry Congratu-Christmas!

- What?
- Half "Merry Christmas,"

half "Congratulations,"

because I just received some news.

You, Ron Swanson, have
been nominated for an award

from the Indiana Fine
Woodworking Association.

How did you hear about that?

I've had a "Ron Swanson" Google alert

for seven years and it finally paid off.

Recently, I made a chair.

When I was finished, I
thought it was a good chair.

I submitted it to the Indiana
Fine Woodworking Association,

who felt it merited
consideration for an award.

It's been a real whirlwind.

I have to confess,

I'm very honored by this nomination.

Right?

This might be the first time

I've ever wanted to attend an event.

Oh, my God, I love events!

I can't wait to go tonight.

Why are you going?

As your self-appointed
emotional guardian,

it is my duty to love and support you.

Plus, you know, this is a big deal.

You shouldn't be there alone.

That's correct. I'm bringing Diane.

Things are going very well with us.

Even better. I am very
excited to meet Diane.

You're not taking "no"
for an answer, are you?

Oh, I forgot to sing you

my merry Congratu-Christmas carol.

♪ Jingle bells, jingle
yay, jingle good for you ♪

- Get out.
- Yup.

How about the new
sushi place in Eagleton?

I'm allergic to sushi.

Every time I eat more
than 80 sushis, I barf.

Hey, Ann, you been to any
swanky restaurants lately?

- What's the occasion?
- It's December.

It's the time we celebrate

our most sacred and special event:

♪ Jerry Dinner ♪ Jerry Dinner

- ♪ Jerry Dinner
- ♪ Jerry Dinner

What the hell is Jerry Dinner?

Every time we laugh at
something stupid Jerry does,

we put a dollar in this box.

At the end of the year,
we take all the cash

and treat ourselves to a fancy dinner.

This year, we have...

$516.

Aw, jeez!

And that's 517.

Oh!

518.

You guys, that's so mean.

It's not mean if he
doesn't know about it.

It's like talking about
people behind their backs.

- Everybody wins.
- No.

You should at least
invite Jerry to the dinner.

Ha!

That's hilarious. You
should do stand-up.

If you're kidding, you
suck, but if you're serious,

I actually have been thinking about it.

Hey, April, Matlock called.
He wants his cardigan back.

Boom! I'm out.

Who's Matlock?

Hey, bud.

- Hey!
- How are you?

Great. I just finished making
an entry in my dream journal.

This time, the giant
spider got caught in my web.

Progress.

So I feel like we haven't
gotten a ton of time together

since I got back from D.C.

Well, we both are in
serious relationships.

You have Leslie and I have my therapist,

Dr. Richard Nygard, who
I see 15 times a week.

Well, Leslie has plans
tonight, so I'm solo.

- You wanna hang out?
- I'd love to.

It--it'll be just like
old times in Indianapolis.

- We're back.
- All right.

Lots of hugs.

Welcome to the Indiana
Fine Woodworking Awards,

or as I like to call it, heaven.

- Ron.
- Ah!

Leslie, may I present Diane Lewis?

- Oh.
- Diane, this is Leslie Knope.

Diane, wow. Ron has told
me so much about you,

in that he has told me your
name is Diane, and you exist.

Oh, yeah.

He's not a big sharer.

I don't even know what
his middle name is.

Oh, it's Ulysses.

I can see why he didn't tell me that.

Mary, mother of God.

That's Christian Becksvoort!

He's the modern master
of the Shaker style.

I never dreamed that I would
see him in the flesh.

Go over and say hello.

No, I'm sure he gets swamped
with attention all the time.

Ooh, if you ladies will excuse me,

there is a jack plane
that needs my attention.

Go on then.

So tell me everything about yourself:

Your kids, your hobbies.

What are your five biggest hopes,

dreams, fears, and regrets?

In honor of Jerry Dinner,

let's each say our favorite
Jerry moment from the past year.

- Yes.
- Mine was...

The time he slipped on a cinnabon

and landed in a bunch of garbage.

My favorite Jerry moment was
when he ate a bowl of glue.

My favorite Jerry moment is when

you switched out his potato soup
with glue and he didn't know.

You're so cute

when you're bullying, babe.

You know what? Ann was right.

This is mean. We are
going to pick up Jerry.

- What? No!

It's Christmas time. Don't
you want to be good people?

- Not really.
- Never.

Hey, if we're going that way,

can we stop at our place real quick?

'Cause I forgot to put on deodorant.

And a jacket and one of my socks.

Plus, I gotta poop, but I
could stop anywhere for that.

I know you didn't, but if you
had gone to Hogwarts Academy,

which House do you think
you would have been?

Look, obviously,

I want to say Gryffindor...

But I've got to go with Hufflepuff.

I respect your honesty.

Gryffindor. Seeker
on the Quidditch team.

Diane, that's my chair, right there.

It's beautiful, Ron.
Yours is the winner.

I'm not sure I stand a chance.

Hey, you most certainly do.

They'd be crazy not to vote for you.

Which one is Ron's?

I don't know.

Smart, funny, independent, and sexy?

Diane Lewis? More like Diane Sawyer.

Whoa! What is going on at the Gergiches?

Whoa.

Oh, my God! Jerry's
having a Christmas party!

I can't believe he didn't invite us.

How dare he!

What'd we ever do to him?

It's probably just family.

And Ben and Chris.

And Ann. I didn't even
know she knew Jerry.

Wow. The Gergiches really go all out.

This is incredible.

Mmm! This is literally

the best non-fat eggnog I've ever had.

Remain calm, but I think you just drank

some of the regular, full-fat eggnog.

Chris, one cup won't k*ll you.

No, but it will add
exactly 440 calories.

But you know what? I'm fine.

You only live once.

Mmm! I don't know if you know this,

but things with fat in them

taste way better than
things with no fat.

Yeah, Chris--
everybody knows that.

Ron, guess why my thumbs are up.

No.

Because I'm giving you my
100% approval about Diane.

She is perfect for you. She gets you.

She is at the bar right now
ordering a Lagavulin, neat

for you. I mean, she's even putting up

with all this stupid,
boring woodworking stuff.

I'm sorry, but, you know,
it's not the Super Bowl, guys.

Let's take it down a notch.

Anyway, you have my approval.

I don't need your approval.

- But you have it.
- Don't need it.

But you got it.

This could end up being

the best night in Ron Swanson's life.

I am so, so
happy for him--

Hello, you gorgeous craftsmen.

Wow, look at this room.

So much wood, ready to be worked.

me!

Alert... alert, alert, alert.

She's here, isn't she?

Oh, hey, Ron. What a coincidence.

Gosh, I never dreamed you'd be here.

Tammy, this is Diane.

Diane, this is a piece of
human garbage named Tammy,

who is also my ex-wife.

Twice ex-wife. We were married twice.

And divorced twice.

Everything is done.
They are totally done.

Tammy, what are you doing here?

Oh, I just have a little
something I need to get drilled.

Can I speak with you for a moment?

Everything's fine,
we're just gonna chat.

Shouldn't you be at the library,
forcing people to borrow books?

Leslie, you and I both know

that the library closes at 3:00 p.m.

Of course it does.

Besides, I like to keep tabs on Ron.

So you can ruin his life?

So I can have fun with him,

and sometimes ruining his life
can be a part of that, sure.

This may be the hardest challenge yet

for Leslie Knope, emotional guardian.

I need to protect a sweet couple

from a sex-crazed demon librarian

who makes me question my
stance on using the "B" word.

I don't know, maybe just this once.

No, Leslie, fight it. Fight it.

It looks warm in there!

Warm and happy.

Mm, look at that gingerbread man.

What? I don't see any
gingerbread cookies.

I'm talking about that
jacked-up, light-skinned dude.

Look like Blake Griffin.

You guys!

There's a buffet--
in the house!

I didn't even know you could do that!

We need to crash this party.

Ann, let us in.

Let's go.

Well, well, well.

You want to come into Jerry's party?

And why is that?

I need a place to
deliver this baby, Ann.

It's coming out of me
right now. I'm pregnant.

This is a lovely party

thrown by a lovely man
and his lovely family.

There's no place for meanies.

Aw, forget it, I'm coming in.

Ow!

- Get off me.
- Wait.

You're so weak, really?

I mean, I'm barely even doing anything.

Are you iron-deficient?
Let me look at your palm.

Ow. It's because of your man strength,

Man Perkins.

Let us in, Ann.

It's cold outside, and
I can't wear mittens

'cause they're unflattering to my hands.

Sorry, guys. This is your penance.

You can come in if you do
something nice for Jerry.

Hey, I already did
something nice for Jerry.

I drove here to take
him to Jerry Dinner.

Oh, Donna. You can come in.

Okay.

What? What about us?

- What? Donna!
- Merry critches, b*tches!

Donna, don't leave us! Donna?

Oh, well, whatever.

It's Jerry's party.
How cool could it be?

Santa!

- They have a Santa!
- Oh, my God.

- What?
- Aw!

Welcome to the Indiana Fine
Woodworking Association Awards.

I'm your host, Martin Housely,

and wow, it's gonna
be a great show--

knock on wood.

Oh, my gosh.

What a coinky-dinky. Look,
we're sitting at the same table!

Tammy, this table is reserved.

A guy traded me his seat
for a peek and a squeeze.

That's my boob and
my butt, respectively.

Remember that, Ron?

Subtle.

Well, you know, they asked
me if I would host this event,

and I said, "Wood I?"

Ben, come meet Jerry's wife.

Gayle?

- Happy holidays, Chris.
- It's so good to see you.

I have someone I'd like you to meet.

I'm Gayle Gergich.

Gayle--
you're Gayle?

Jerry's beautiful wife...

- Oh.
- Who looks like that.

Gayle, I hope you're not

in any way uncomfortable that I'm here,

- since I dated your daughter.
- Oh, not at all.

You're welcome here any time.

Oops, there's a little
hair on your shoulder.

Oh.

Well, look who's a silver fox.

Will you look at that?

I'm sorry, you're okay?

You don't feel like
your body is in decay

or death is inevitable?

My, my. Somebody's being a gloomy goose.

Yeah. Relax, gloomy goose.

Welcome, everybody, to
another Gergich Christmas.

Sadly, one of our
three beautiful angels,

Millicent, couldn't be here tonight,

but our other two beauties--
Miriam and Gladys--

are going to help Gayle
and me play a little tune.

♪ Here we go a-caroling,
among the leaves so green ♪

- ♪ here we come a
- wandering, so fair to be seen ♪

♪ love and joy come to you ♪

♪ and to you glad Christmas too ♪

♪ and God bless you and
send you a happy new year ♪

♪ and God send you
a happy new year ♪

I'm going to call a cab.

Why does everyone act like
Jerry's the victim here?

He's the one that didn't invite us

to his Christmas party.

- Jerry Filter!
- Jerry Filter!

Who's Jerry Filter?

Unsurprisingly, Jerry sends
a lot of annoying emails.

So a while ago, I put a
filter on all our accounts.

Everything from Jerry
goes directly to spam.

There's three years of
nice messages on here.

"Congratulations on your wedding.

I'm rooting for you kids. Jerry."

"Hope you have the best birthday, Tom."

I just tied my high score in Snake.

Our next award is for
"Achievement in Chairs."

The nominees are: Asa
Christiana for chair,

Ron Swanson for chair,

- H.W. Davenport for chair.
- So exciting, Ron.

Okay, Ron, this is your moment.

Tune her out. She's not even here.

And the winner is...

Ron Swanson for chair.

Oh, wow! Whoo!

This award is the only one
I'd ever give a damn about.

I made my first chair when I was five,

but the quality of the wood was wanting,

so when I turned nine,
I used my factory wages

to purchase some beautiful local walnut.

Uh, thank you... for this...

Uh, this all
good-- night good.

Uh...

There it is.

Hey, you're looking
at a picture of Millie.

You want to take off,
grab some vegan fries?

She really was delightful.

I truly wish her all the best.

Man, maybe going to therapy
1,000 times a week is helping.

I mean, if you'd seen
that picture a month ago,

you would have fallen apart.

It's just a picture.

- Millie!
- Hi, mom!

We wanted to surprise
you and come home early.

Oh, hey, Chris.

Hi.

Let's take a moment now to remember

those woodworkers who
are no longer with us,

and the beautiful coffins
they all designed themselves.

Hey.

- Hey.
- Have you seen Ron?

He disappeared after the speech
and I can't find him anywhere.

Diane-- ugh. The
stuff with Tammy

is so complex and weird and gross.

It just would probably be
better if you let me handle it.

I'm not worried about Tammy.

I mean, I'm a middle
school vice-principal.

I deal with hormonal
psychopaths all the time.

Oh, great. Good.

- What concerns me is you.
- You who?

- You you.
- You me?

You're the one who's been
at his side all night.

You're the one who's
been protecting him,

you're the one who knows
all the intimate details

of his romantic history
with that monster.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
Diane, you misunderstand.

I'm happily engaged.

You and Ron have an intimacy
that I just don't understand,

so if there is a thr*at to
my relationship with Ron,

it's not Tammy. It's you.

Okay, folks, fasten your seatbelts.

It's the big one:
est Desk.

Where's Diane? I need her.

- She left.
- Of course.

Tammy ruins everything.

No, she left because of me.

She's threatened by our relationship.

That's ridiculous.

I don't think of you romantically.

You're pro-government,
you never stop talking,

and you have blonde hair.
You're my worst nightmare.

Excuse me, one man's "worst nightmare"

is every other man's "total package."

But the point is, I don't
think it's about dating.

I kind of see where
Diane is coming from.

We are close friends, and I'm
very involved in your life.

I wouldn't say we're close.

By Swanson standards, we're close.

I know when your birthday is.

So does Baskin-Robbins.

I know that you secretly love artichokes

- and plums.
- Keep your voice down, woman!

Fine, we're friends. So what do I do?

Tammy's waiting for me in my car.

I think you should take
my car and go get Diane,

and I will handle Tammy.

Thank you.

Protect your eyes, she's a gouger.

Good to know.

Chris, I'd like you to
meet my fiance, Carl.

- Well.
- Hi, there.

Hi. How did you two meet?

Whitewater rafting.

He was the young rafting instructor

all the girls were into,

and I was the young rafting instructor

all the guys were into...

And then we got together.

Ah, so random, right?

What a story! I felt like my
heart was whitewater rafting.

Well, I won't keep you guys.

It's good to see you. Mwah.

Oh, little tip, there
is fat in the eggnog.

Okay.

So how'd it go? You okay?

I'm fine.

If therapy has taught me anything,

it's that I need to face my fears,

even when my fears are engaged to a man

with the chiseled jawline of a young me.

Thank you, Ben.

Thank me? For what?

For looking out for me tonight.

You're a good friend.

Hey...

So Gayle
and Jerry--

I've thought about it a lot.
There's no logical explanation.

Well, hello
there, Big B--

Gross! Leslie? Where's Ron?

Too late, Tammy. Ron's gone.

You'll never get him back.

Wanna bet? That relationship is weak.

All I have to do is find Ron
within the next few hours,

and he's toast.

Few hours, you say?

Leslie!

Stop this car! Where are we going?

I don't know.

You're gonna regret this!

Well, hello again.

You ready to be nice to Jerry?

Because it's so cold out here,

it reminds me of my wife's lasagna.

I actually like that one.

Hey, guys! I thought you weren't coming.

I--you know, never
got your RSVP.

Hi, Jerry. We got you
a gift. Merry Christmas.

Yeah,
just--

we took up a collection
to pay your hospital bills,

since you almost farted
yourself to death.

Every time we did something mean,

we put a dollar in a box.

Wow. I'm the luckiest man on earth.

Okay, well, come on in! It's a party.

Uh--
Oh, jeez.

- Give me the keys!
- No!

- Give 'em to me!
- Never!

Hey, game over, Tammy.

- What?
You--! - Ah!

I'm going in!

Oh, my God, I am so turned on right now.

What is wrong with you?

Oh, yeah, tell me
you're not feeling this.

You are so crazy!

I got 'em!

- I got 'em.
- No!

- No!
- Ah!

You'll never catch me!

Come back
here-- Ow!

You are not

gonna ruin this night!

- Get away from this car!
- No!

What are you doing?

You're crazy!

Ron! Ron! Ha!

You're too late!

No! No, no, no, no, no, no!

She just knows you so well,
and I was starting to wonder

if I was ever gonna get to that point.

I'm worried that maybe

there isn't room in your
life for another woman.

At this very moment,
Leslie is throwing herself

in front of a freight train
named Tammy for me and you.

Leslie is a wonderful, loyal friend,

who is very important in my life,

but I would sooner visit Europe

than have something
romantic happen between us.

Although, if you'd like to visit Europe,

I like you so much, I'd
be willing to risk it.

But not France, right?

God, no.

See? You know me pretty well already,

but you're about to get
to know me even better.

I brought you here because
I want to show you something

that almost no
one knows about--

certainly not Tammy, and
not even Leslie Knope.

Ladies and gentleman,
and especially the ladies,

put your hands together
for the one, the only,

my man, Mr. Duke Silver.

A mighty fine holiday
evening to you all.

- Yeah.
- It might be cold outside,

but it's about to get
warm all up in my jazz.

I, of course, am Duke Silver,

and I would like to
dedicate this first song...

To my duchess.

You're so lucky.

I'm going to k*ll you.

I think it's time to officially retire

as Ron's emotional guardian.
That's Diane's job now,

and she seems more than up to the task.

I mean, I'd do
anything for Ron--

even spend a whole night
fighting his crazy ex-wife.

But I think I'm safe.
She's gotta be tired by now.

Hi.

- Officer Skorggel.
- I pulled over

a Tammy Swanson for driving erratically.

Ran the plates, saw it was your car.

Figured it was stolen.

Hey, Ron, why don't you get
me out of these handcuffs,

so I can put you into these handcuffs.

Yes, please officer, get
her out of those cuffs.

I want this to be a fair fight.

Officer, did you see
any sign of a passenger?

Ron!

There we go.

Hey!

Help.