05x11 - Women in Garbage

[bunniefuu]

Well, it's a pleasure
to be here, ladies.

I didn't think
anybody really cared

about my time
on the city council.

Oh, we do. I mean, you
are such an inspiration.

Still going strong at 82.

(SNEEZES)

(BLOWS NOSE)

How old is
that handkerchief?

Well, it's not a handkerchief.
It's a receipt.

(GROANS)

Paula Horke was Pawnee's first
female city councilor 40 years ago.

And she was a huge
inspiration to me.

Women have come
a long way in Pawnee,

but we still have
quite a ways to go.

I mean, technically,

I'm not allowed to reserve
this conference room

without my husband
or father's signature.

Government was a real boys
club back in the '70s.

They smoked their cigars.
They snapped my bra.

Wore mirrors on their shoes
to look up my skirt.

Well, I am happy to report that it
is now a pervert-free people's club.

Well, except for
Councilman Dexhart,

who is
a self-described pervert.

Yeah, and didn't Milton
try to kiss you?

Well, yeah.
Things aren't perfect.

PAULA:
All the other councilmen

used to keep a calendar
of my menstrual cycle.

Are you kidding me?

That is horrible.
They don't do that to me.

Do they do that to me?

I once tried to
start a commission

to try to get more jobs for
women in city government.

And they dismissed me,

saying that it was because it
was just my time of the month.

Admittedly,
they were right.

Because of their calendar.

LESLIE: Man-pigs.
All of them.

You know what? I'm going to
get that commission going.

Because this inequality
has gone on long enough.

You know what? I think men
are better than women.

She's kidding.
APRIL: No, I'm not.

They provide for us, and we must obey
them because they are our masters.

April, stop it.

Leslie, you'll never land a beau
with that domineering tone.

APRIL: We must always
walk behind the men.

She...

Mustache, dumb, dumb.
Mustache, dumb, dumb.

Mustache, dumb, dumb.
RON: Hello.

I just came to drop off
some of the employee...

What is happening?

Dumb!

RON: The girls are
on break.

And their sitter had to go
out of town for the day.

So, I'm watching them
while Diane works.

I borrowed some markers from Leslie,
and some stickers from Leslie.

And a LITE-BRITE,
which I got from Andy.

Girls, this is Ann.

Talk to Ann.
She's terrific.

Hey, dudettes.

You stoked about
the weekend? No?

Oh.

(IN CHILDLIKE TONE) Look at this.
Pretty, pretty, little bead.

They're not infants.

I don't know.
I'm weird with kids.

So... You guys
like Coldplay?

You're weird.

You're...

Well, hey, girls.

No.
Okay. Thanks.

An equal gender
employment commission.

Leslie, I don't think
this is a good idea.

I think
it's a fantastic idea.

Oh. I didn't know where you
were going with that.

The lack of women in this
government is criminal.

I'm going to ask
each department

to send two people
to a meeting today.

Yeah.
And.

And, and...

I can ask Shauna Malwae-Tweep
to write an article about it

for the Pawnee Journal.
She's my special friend.

That's what
you're calling her now.

I don't know
what to call her.

I don't entirely understand
the behavior of young people.

Recently, we engaged in
something called a group hang.

It was like a date, but there
were seven other people there.

It was very confusing.

I'm not really sure
what our label is.

Labels can be bad.
But they can also be good.

"Warning: toxic bleach"
is a good label.

Shauna Malwae-Tweep
has amazing dimples.

So, the commission? Oh! Yes.
Right. The commission.

I'm going to get that
going right now. Great.

Okay. I know this text
you sent me was a lie

and Michael Stipe is not actually here.
Correct?

Correct.
That was a lie.

Yeah. No, I knew it was.
I just...

...couldn't live with
myself if it had been true.

And that's why I sent it.

Where's free Skittles?

Here you go, buddy.

Ah! He gets his thing?

Listen, I need you
two to teach me

everything you know
about basketball.

TOM: Rent A Swag is
doing really well.

I'm on track to turn a
profit in my third month.

One problem. All the kids that shop
in the store are basketball crazy.

It's all they talk about. I need
to be able to schmooze them.

And I can't keep referring
to basketball players

as Khloe Kardashian's husband
and his friends.

You're just the men
to help me out.

One jock.
One geek who loves stats.

I'll give you
a few minutes to cancel

the rest of your plans
for the day.

No need. My only plan
was to buy Skittles.

Wow, Chris, your gender equality
commission is a real sausage fest.

Oh, my God.
You're kidding me.

I just assumed that some of the
departments would send women.

Oh, my God.

I am part
of the problem.

EXCUSE me, everyone.

Did anyone notice
that there are no women

on the gender
equality commission?

There's a lady
right next to you.

Oh, wait, no.

It's just
a very beautiful man.

Yes. Okay. We are going to need
to rebalance this commission.

Listen.
You did a great job

setting it up and
getting the snacks ready.

But we'll take it
from here.

Well, Councilman Milton,

I did put
the snacks together.

And they are delicious,
I must say.

But that is
not the point.

Round of applause for the girl.
(ALL APPLAUDING)

But she has to leave
to get more snacks.

No, I don't.
This is my commission.

Ouch. Why so ornery?

It's not the 7th yet.

Hmm.

Your shoes
are red now.

Y ay.
Hurray',!

(GIRLS GIGGLING)
Hey.

Mommy!
Mommy!

You survived, huh?

Indeed, I did.

How were they? Really.

Couldn't have been better.

We had a wonderful time.

Well, that's good.

Because my sitter
is still out of town.

So, I really hate
to ask you this,

but is there any way that you
could take them again tomorrow?

Of course.
I'd be delighted.

You're a lifesaver.

Thank you. Girls, you want to
spend another day with Ron?

Yeah!
Yeah!

I believe one problem
with hiring women

is that they are
frail and breakable.

Is it possible
you are thinking

about light bulbs?
Or your hip?

If I were 300 years older,
Councilman...

Incoherent ramblings aside,
I have done some research,

and the female employment rate
in government is abysmal.

The number one offender?
Sanitation.

All right.

No, no, no.
Stop celebrating.

Why are there no female
garbage collectors, Steve?

I don't know. We hire
women for other things.

You have one woman,
and she's a secretary.

And she's the best
secretary we got.

Except for Dan.
Dan's awesome.

Dan.

Garbage collectors make good wages.
They have good benefits.

They are the smelly glue that
keeps this city together.

You need to
hire more women.

Not that many
women apply.

Plus, it's a very
physically demanding job.

Your average woman
can't handle it.

Oh, no?

Okay, so I took extensive notes on
ways to maximize our efficiency.

Because we can't be just as good as the men.
We have to be better.

Yeah, you're totally right.
Let's rock this.

April, I love you, but I don't
need your sarcasm right now.

I'm serious.
Let's get rolling.

I want to get
into some garbage.

What? I love garbage.

Have you ever found a
dead body in the trash?

Or body parts?

Like a torso or a head?

Please say head.

Hey, Dewey.
Leslie brought binders.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

What do they say? "Pick up
garbage, put in truck"?

Actually, yeah. That's what's in the binder.
On every page.

Because I believe
in being thorough.

All right.
Okay.

Let's do it,
trash people!

Whoa!

Let's feed the beast!

Here you are. I had to search the
directory for quite a while.

I thought your last name was
Hanson for some reason.

No. It's Perkins.
Always has been.

You seem
more like a Hanson.

Anyway, I have
the girls again today,

and they're asking
to play with you.

Really?
I thought they hated me.

The opposite.

I don't know
what you did to them,

but it worked
like gangbusters.

Or they do hate me, and
you're just desperate and tired.

Either way.
Can you help me?

I'm out of activities and they're
playing with my land mine.

(CHUCKLING)

This thing's cool.
What are these things?

Let's play a word
association game.

I'll say a word
and then you say

the first thing that
pops into your mind.

Okay.

You.

Reporter.

Me.
City manager.

Us.
Ooh! Magazine.

CHRIS: According to
Leslie's binder,

she and April are
making even better time

than the guys do
on a normal day.

That's weird. You know, with
us being women and all.

You'd think our boobs
would get in the way.

SHAUNA: Is that accurate,
Mr. Phlegner?

Is Councilwoman Knope ahead of the
regular schedule for this route?

Whatever.
No comment.

Tough stuff.

Are you posing? I don't have
a photographer with me.

Google Earth.
Always taking pics.

Let's move it out.

BEN: All right, let's
start with the basics.

Why don't you just play some
one-on-one, see if you can score.

Andy, guard him.

He's too big.
I can't see over him.

It's not fair. I feel like
everyone should be the same size.

Okay. You have
to create space.

You've got to just
dribble around him.

There you go.
Now what?

sh**t. sh**t the ball.

Did I do basketball?

Kind of.

Try it again.

Tommy for the dunk!

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS)

My screen!

But it was actually
a blood-hungry witch

who was wearing their
mom's face like a mask.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(LAUGHS)

What is wrong
with you, woman?

I'm sorry. I thought
kids liked ghost stories.

Hey, girls. Do you want to
look through my nurse kit?

Yeah!
Yeah!

Ooh, check it out.
Bandages.

We can wrap up the dolls and
pretend they just had surgery!

Yeah.
Awesome.

Yeah? Or we can use this
hammer and test reflexes.

Yeah.
Here, Zoe. Watch.

Do me! Do me!

Do Princess Junebug now.

Okay.

You know what, Ron? I can watch them
for a little while if you want to...

...take a break.

This is
Stacy Knoblauch's house.

I went to high school
with her,

and she was
super mean to me.

And now, I know
that she dyes her hair.

I knew that wench
wasn't naturally blonde.

Oh, my God.

She has to use
prescription-strength deodorant.

This is the best day
of my life.

Hey, ladies, someone
just called in a pick-up.

We have to make
an unscheduled stop.

Hope you can handle it.
It's not in the binders.

A new challenge? Bring
it on, Stevie boy. Whoo!

April, let's finish up. We have
some stereotypes to overcome.

And some privacy
to violate.

Yeah!
Whoo!

(BANGING)
Wait. No.

Oh!
Yes!

Nothing but net.
ANDY: Nice.

You are
officially a baller.

I've been a baller since birth, son.
Now, I'm an athlete.

Hey. You little chumps
want to play some ball?

Sure.
Let's do this.

Watch out.
Tommy from half court.

This could
really only go poorly.

He won't get out
of my way!

Oh, my God.

Nice!
Yes.

Tom, what the hell
are you doing?

I'm pivoting.
Ben told me to pivot.

I told you you can pivot,
not that you can only pivot.

BEN: Stop pivoting.

All right,
that's illegal.

I may not know much,
but you can't

just steal the ball
from another player.

Hey. Aren't you the guy
who owns Rent A Swag?

Yeah. Tom Haverford.

You suck
at basketball, man.

Well, you suck at
being polite, sir.

This has been fun, but we
have an actual game tomorrow.

Against guys who
can actually play.

Let's go.

Andy Dwyer
for the dunk!

Oh, that wall is so close.

Doctors, the operation
is now complete.

Dr. Zoe, could you please use the
reflex hammer to see if she's okay?

ANN: This is the most fun
I have ever had with kids.

They even said they want to
be doctors when they grow up.

Hot tip for you
babysitters out there?

Let your kids play with
medical tools all the time.

We have a problem.
What? Oh, my God.

Girls, this is
not a negotiation.

Unlock the door
immediately.

No! We're doing surgery. Only
doctors are allowed in here.

Okay.
Stand back, ladies.

Ron. No, no, no, no!
That's dangerous.

Somebody in here has
got to have keys, right?

I have keys. What...
Jerry.

I never thought I would say this,
but I am so glad you're here.

Well, it's got to be
one of these, right?

Oh, no. Ladies?
No, no, no, no, no!

The patient needs a haircut.
Her hair is infected.

RON: Hurry, Jerry! Okay, I'm trying.
It's not this one.

No.

Okay. I'm not good
under pressure like this.

Zoe, stop it!
Please.

No!

Zoe,
put the scissors down.

Oh!

No!

Geuseuuey

Bakery called this in.

Needs to go on that
truck right there.

Easy, breezy, beautiful.

That's the CoverGirl slogan.
I didn't mean to say that.

Okay. Here we go.
On three.

Okay. Two.
One. Three. Move it.

(GRUNTING)

On four, five, six.
Here we go.

You need a hand? No, no.
We don't need a hand.

What, do you think Joan
of Arc needed a hand?

Doing what? Let me
tell you something.

We are not leaving until this
symbolic feminist obstacle

is loaded onto that truck
of women's advancement.

And you can put that
on the record, Shauna.

Well, you ladies clearly
have everything in hand.

Dewey and I are going
to head back to base.

Hope we didn't
throw you off schedule.

Not at all.
Have fun.

Hey, Shauna, maybe... Maybe not
put this part on the record.

You know, leave the earlier
part on the record.

But if we can't get this
fridge onto the truck,

then maybe not put
that on the record,

and then just destroy
the record altogether.

Okay. Guys, I'm going to
go ahead and decide

what's on and off the
record on my own. Cool?

Uh-huh.

LESLIE: The whole city
is watching.

If I can't move that
fridge onto that truck,

then feminism is over
in this town.

(GRUNTING)

I don't know why I thought
sneaking up on it would work.

This is the one.
This is...

Why do you have
so many keys?

We did surgery,
just like you taught us.

Okay. You know what? Why don't you
girls clean up all of this hair,

and I'm going
to talk to Ron?

Let's cut off our toes!

No, let's not.

I'm going to
take this bag, too.

You need to fix this.

It's not that bad.
Nobody got hurt.

It's extremely bad.

I love this woman. And I
just want to show her

that I'm capable of
watching her children

without something
horrible happening.

What?

Did you just say
you love Diane?

No. I did not.

Yes, you did.
That is so cute.

For God's sake, Hanson, will you
please focus on the larger problem?

(MIMICKING KISSING)

BOTH: Ron loves Mommy

Ron loves Mommy

Girls, girls. I don't know
what you think you heard,

but please don't
tell your mother

what you incorrectly
think you heard.

Ron loves Mommy.

Ron loves Mommy
Ron loves Mommy

I love nothing!
(LAUGHING)

I'm going to have to
start writing this up soon.

Kind of sucks.

I thought maybe we'd be done
in time to grab a drink. Oh.

Have you been to Bistro D'Amour?
It's really romantic.

Ooh.

Yeah, it was just
going to be you and me,

my sister,
a few people from work,

and my ex-boyfriend.

(CHUCKLING)
That's really confusing.

I have a request.

Could you please make sure that my
involvement in this stays off the record?

I wouldn't want anyone
thinking that you are biased

because we are something.

You don't have to
worry about that.

I'm going to include
a disclaimer describing

the nature of
our relationship.

I guess I'll have to wait for tomorrow's
paper to find out our status.

Why did I have to fall for
somebody from the old media?

Maybe we should just
eat the refrigerator.

If we start chewing now, we can
finish before the sun comes up.

We have to
solve this problem.

Or they're going to
point to this forever

as a reason
to not hire women.

I should never
have taken the bait.

It was just such tasty,
righteously flavored bait.

(sums)

You here to
move the fridge?

(GASPS) Are you a ghost?
Yes, we are.

Why you think
you can lift it?

You are
two little canaries.

Those garbage men couldn't even lift it.
They are like giant bears.

Hold on.
What do you mean?

Bears are bigger
than canaries, yes?

So, if bears can't
lift the thing...

No, I understand
animal sizes.

What do you mean,
they couldn't lift it?

They try three days ago.
And it does not budge.

They say they're going to
come back with more guys,

but they come back
with canaries.

Fly away,
little canaries.

Those Sanitation g*ons
set us up.

You know what? Let's just go.
What?

No. We can't
let them b*at us.

Just call it a tie.
Nobody can lift it.

No, Leslie. We do not want to tie.
We want to win.

Those guys suck. Okay?
We have to prove them wrong.

Look, all we have to do
is get some PCP.

You can move anything
on angel dust.

My cousin, Hess, said he b*at
off five cops on that stuff.

Okay, hold on. Sir?

Does this
refrigerator still work?

Works okay.

We got a new one.
We don't need it.

So what if those kids think you're
the lamest guy in the world?

That's not who you want shopping
at Rent A Swag anyways, Tom.

That's exactly who I want
shopping at Rent A Swag.

Oh. Well, then,
that sucks.

Look. I want
to show you something.

Okay, this is Kevin Durant and
Russell Westbrook after a bad loss.

Even the greats get b*at. But they get back
out there the next day and they fight.

So, let's hit
the gym again tomorrow.

Guys, I think I just
dribbled up an idea.

No. Double dribbled it.

You have learned nothing
about basketball.

You're a good friend,
Ben.

Oh. Thanks.

Can I borrow $1,500? You're not
allowed to ask what it's for.

Fireworks.

First of all, everyone is fine.
No one got hurt.

But there was
an incident.

Oh, my God.
What happened?

ANN: Diane,
this is all my fault.

I let them go
into my nurse's bag.

(LAUGHING) Oh.

(RON LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

Well, who has
been having fun

with scissors?
Us!

Ann taught us how to be doctors.
Yay!

You're not mad?

No, it's fine.
They're kids.

Once, Zoe put
Ivy in the dryer.

I'm still incredibly sorry.
I feel like I let you down.

It is so sweet to me
how much you care.

This is why I love you.

Oh.

I love you, too.

(LAUGHS)

That's my cue.

All right, girls.
Good hang.

Bye, Ann!
Bye, Ann!

Hey, Leslie? Shaunajust
sent me the disclaimer

that she's going to use before
she prints the article.

"City Manager Chris Traeger
was present for this event,

"and has a personal
relationship with the author."

Okay.
That's pretty good, right?

Personal relationship.
It's not romantic.

But it is descriptive. No,
it's not even descriptive.

I know you're
not used to this,

but maybe you should just try to
keep it chill and see what happens.

Great advice.

Impossible to follow,
but great advice.

So, do you think the soup
kitchen could use that fridge?

I mean, April and I were going to
haul it onto the truck effortlessly.

But if you need it.

Absolutely. This is a godsend.
Thank you for thinking of us.

Grab a side, ladies. I think all
of us can get it on the truck.

LESLIE: Not only did we complete the garbage
route, and move an unmovable fridge,

but the Sanitation department hired
three new female trash haulers.

And best of all,

April gave me this present to
commemorate our feminist victory.

And it's trash.

It's filled with trash.

Maybe there's something
on the bottom here.

Let me see.
No, just trash.

This is Brandon Turnbill
for Kid's 46 news.

I'm here with the star of
today's win, Josh Diamond.

What was the key to
the victory, Josh?

Everything just came together
for us, and we came out on top.

And we're going to try to keep it
going next week against Snerling.

Thanks, tiny reporter.

It was a huge win
for Josh and the boys.

And after a huge win,
be sure to visit

Rent A Swag
on Durham Avenue

for all your post-game press
conference fashion rental needs.

We've got everything.
Dope suits.

Pocket squares. Gingham shirts.
Glasses with no lenses.

Tiny cardigans.
Fedoras.

Look at this watch.

Whatever swag you need,
you can rent

at Rent A Swag.

Now, that's basketball.