05x15 - Correspondents' Lunch

[bunniefuu]

Well, the honeymoon
was amazing.

We saw the bus stop

where a young Barack Obama used
to sit and wait for the bus.

- Theoretically.
- It's possible.

Then we went and visited
Honolulu City Hall.

- Shut up.
- You know.

- Oh, my God, what was it like?
- It was amazing.

Well, it looked amazing,
but it was closed.

Oh, my God, bummer.

Okay, I have presents!

Um... Chris, we got you
an Acai tree

because the Acai berry
is a superfood.

And a super gift.

Donna, we got you some coffee,
because you said, and I quote,

"I like my coffee
like I like my men.

Dark, rich, and full-bodied."

Yes, indeed.

Ann, we got you some very rare
Hawaiian fertility tea,

guaranteed to help you
have a baby.

That's so nice.
Where'd you find that?

Well, the busboy
at our restaurant

told us about a guy
who we met in a parking lot,

and then he had a backpack
full of this stuff,

and I'm just realizing now
that it's not tea.

And I'm gonna throw it away.

Ron, this is
the Hawaiian god of anger.

It reminded us of you
when you're at work.

A handsome gentleman.

- We did not forget Jerry.
- Right, right.

We got Jerry some earbuds,

and a bag of peanuts,

and the Skymall catalog.

Same thing you got me
from your trip to Washington!

Tom, we got you
an autographed portrait

of your personal hero.

No way!

Scott Caan
from Hawaii five-0!

April, as requested,

we threw that box you gave us
into that volcano.

Thank you.

Andy, as you requested,

got you a three-pack
of white T-shirts

from Target.

Thank you.
All mine are dirty.

Thank you, Hawaii.

Thank you so much.

It's great to be here

at the Pawnee
Correspondents' Lunch.

There's so many wonderful,
talented journalists here.

Also here are some reporters
from the Pawnee Sun.

Oh, hey, hey.

I love the Pawnee Sun.

Some people say
that it's a useless tabloid.

But I don't think it's useless.

I think it's great
for housebreaking puppies.

I am prepping for the
Pawnee Correspondents' Lunch.

It's an annual affair where the media and
the government roast each other.

My number one target--

the Pawnee Sun.

364 days a year,
they rake me over the coals.

Today, I take
those burning coals,

I shove them
back down their throats,

and I watch their melting flesh
drip off their worthless faces!

It's all in good fun.

Okay, I need
more jokes, people.

Ben is having his first day at work,
so he cannot help me.

So I need you guys
to pick up the slack.

- I have a joke for you.
- Okay.

The government in this town
is excellent

and uses
your tax dollars efficiently.

- That's not really a joke, Ron.
- I disagree.

I find it hilarious.

- Ann Perkins!
- Hey, Chris!

Got to run to a meeting.

With Ron.

Great idea! I'll run
to my next meeting.

Sorry, the door was open.

I wish this office
had only walls.

Chris broke up
with his girlfriend a week ago,

and I have decided to ask him

to be the father of my baby.

Except I cannot work up
the nerve to do it.

Turns out
they don't make greeting cards

for asking your ex-boyfriend if he will
artificially inseminate you.

Actually, Ron, I-I could
use your advice

on how to be blunt and honest.

I want my friend
to do something for me,

and I don't know how
to ask him.

What do you want him to do?

Plant ficuses.

In my front yard.

Grossest metaphor ever.

I've seen your house.

You'd have more success

if he planted ficuses
in your backyard.

No, I don't think so.

Anyway, what if he thinks
I'm asking too much of him,

and I ask him
to plant the ficuses,

and he doesn't want to,
and he gets weird about it,

and it ruins our friendship?

Then plant
the damn ficuses yourself.

I wish that were possible.

We are so excited
to have you working with us

here at the all-new
Sweetums Foundation.

This is your office.

This is incredible.

And look at that art.

Ah, yes.
My late husband.

He was so decrepit.

I really like helping people.

Running the new
Sweetums Foundation charity

allows me to do that

and work in an office
with more mahogany wood

than currently remains
in the Amazon rain forest.

So, win-win.

Except for the rain forest.

I need you to select
your first charity by tomorrow.

Sweetums' public image
is currently

at an all-time low.

Yeah, there's even
a rumor going around

that the chocolate
is made of rat parts.

Well...

You know what they say
about rumors.

- Yeah.
- They're mostly true.

Including the rat thing?

Yeah.
What are you gonna do?

It's where
all the flavor comes from.

Oh, would you look at that.
There is a smudge on my tail.

Oh!

All better.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the
Pawnee Correspondents' Lunch,

where politicians and the media
make fun of each other.

But, if you ask me,

we should be making fun
of the food.

"I am not the cook."

Oh, well, well, well.

If it isn't Kim Terlando
from the Pawnee Sun.

Do you happen
to have a can opener?

'Cause I'm about
to open this on you.

Did you make that can
of "whoop ass"

for this exact moment?

Yeah, I came prepared.

I'd expect nothing less.

Good luck with your speech.

Uh, my speech doesn't need
your luck.

It needs
a Surgeon General's warning

because it's so harmful
to your health.

Oh, look, it has one.

That's how ready I am.

I'm glad you're so confident.

- Nice to see you.
- It was nice to see you too.

Chris, can I talk
to you for a second?

Absolutely.
I cannot wait.

One second.
Excuse me, sir.

I think I accidentally
got the meat option.

Yeah, and I got
the veggie option.

Shauna Malwae-Tweep,

my ex-girlfriend.

It seems like you and I
have a classic mix 'em up.

Yeah, fancy meeting you here.

This isn't awkward
for you, is it?

Chris, it's okay.

- You wanna switch? I'm starving.
- Definitely.

Whoa! Check out
the new digs.

- This place is insane.
- Thanks for coming, guys.

I'm super swamped,
and I need your help.

Pass.

You came down here
to pass on helping me?

Yeah, I wanted to see what your
face looked like when I said no.

It was totally worth it.

Andy, are you okay?

Oh, I'm fine.

It's just
that life is pointless

and nothing matters
and I'm always tired.

Also, I can't sleep,
I'm overeating,

none of my old hobbies
interest me.

Ever since Andy failed
the police academy exam,

his self-esteem
has hit rock bottom.

He's always sad and sweaty.

He's usually happy and sweaty.

I have to pick
our first charity by tomorrow,

and there's
a million applications.

Can you guys
help me sort 'em out?

You know what?
This sounds like fun.

Babe, come on.

Let's help him.
It'll be fun.

Well, it sounds
like you guys got it covered.

I'm gonna head out. Actually have
my own charity to attend to.

Tommy's tummy foundation.

Well, they bring me
fancy lunches here.

If you stay, you can have some.

What? Crab, caviar?

On behalf
of Tommy's tummy foundation,

I'm happy to accept
this generous donation.

Please welcome Kim Terlando.

Thank you, Martin.

It's nice to be here

among all
of these excellent journalists.

And also the people
that work with me

over at the Pawnee Sun.

Damn it.

That was my opener.

Now I love working
at the Sun, okay?

And I know you all think
it's just a useless tabloid,

but it's not.

It is great.

For housebreaking puppies.

Oh my god, those are my jokes.

She's stealing my jokes.

Some people say

that the Sun has a problem
with the truth.

There's no problem,
we just ignore it.

Jerry, stop laughing.
Those are stolen jokes!

Totally dead.

What am I gonna do?

Oh! I just opened up
a can of "whoop ass" on myself!

I remember the very first
Correspondents' Lunch.

I rode here in a horse and buggy.

No, no, no, that wasn't a joke.

I actually did.

That also was not a joke.

Ron, Kim told
all my jokes, all of them.

She must have gotten
a copy of my speech.

Did anybody lose their copy?

- Nope.
- Right here.

Mine is right here.

Oh, jeez.

Go stand in the corner and
think about what you've done.

And no dessert!

I need new material,
and it needs to be great,

and it needs
to knock people on their butts,

and it needs to transcend
the genre of roast comedy.

- Perkins, go.
- Oh, wow.

Um, okay,

so Councilman Milton
is old, right?

And he's wearing a green tie.

So, like, maybe
there's something there,

where, like, he went to school

with his high-school buddies
that were dinosaurs.

And his tie is green.

They're green.

Oh, Ann, you're too
beautiful to be funny.

It's not your fault.

You've never had
to compensate for anything.

The rest of you ugly nerds
need to give me some jokes stat.

Ben?

Ben?

Yeah, Andy.

I think I might have found something
that's actually pretty cool.

Okay, well, just put it aside,
and I'll read it later.

No. Andy found it,

and he's gonna tell you
about it right now. Go, babe.

Uh, it's
the Redwood Music Program.

It's an after-school music class
for at-risk kids.

- It'll keep them off the street.
- Whoa.

And the streets,
as you know, are dangerous.

Example--I fell
in a sewer grate once.

I was there all day.

In conclusion,

we cannot let our children
live in the sewer any longer.

Redwood Music Program--
go, your honor, amen.

That's a great idea.

Anyone else come across
anything good?

Tom?

Um, yeah.

I got a good one.

It's called
the Clean Sheet Foundation.

That's my pick.

They provide legal assistance
to the KKK.

This is your pick?

Yeah. Can you pass
the bonbons?

Perd Hapley is here today.

Or, as Perd would say,

"My name is Perd Hapley,

and the person
I see here today... is me."

Everyone seems
to be laughing now.

Do you see what is happening
with Chris and Shauna?

They are flirting like crazy.

It's disgusting.
They're in public.

That's called a conversation.

Ron, there are
no ficuses, okay?

I wanted to ask Chris
to be the father of my baby.

Good God.

And the metaphor you chose

was planting ficuses
in your front yard?

I was gonna wait till
he was single to ask him,

but now he's flirting
with Shauna again.

What do I do?

- It's been nice talking to you.
- What?

Maybe I should
just do impressions.

"I'm-a Borat."
There's one.

But I need to do someone
that no one has heard before.

Like, I don't know,
Neve Campbell?

What does
Neve Campbell sound like?

I don't know.

Someone f*cking tell me
what Neve Campbell sounds like.

Just keep it short
and get the hell out of there.

Thank you.

Our next guest has asked me
to read this.

Oh, no.
Oh, no, I forgot I did this.

Joan, no--

"Strap on
your adult diapers, everyone.

"Because you're about
to wet yourself from laughter.

Give it up for Leslie Knope."

"Whassup," Pawnee?

Um...

Borat.

Well, that's my time.
They're giving me the light.

So, uh, I did great.

Thank you, Leslie Knope.

You know what they say.
Drama is hard,

and sometimes comedy
is not in our wheelhouse.

Tom, do you have
to run that right now?

Oh, no, Ben!

These smoothies will
just blend themselves!

Okay.

Think I have our winner.

It's called
Rural Ambu-care.

They want to buy an ambulance

for people who live far away
from the hospital.

Ambulances are dumb.

When has an ambulance
ever helped anyone?

What about Andy's music thing?

Well, this is a great service that
will help a lot of needy people.

Sorry, Andy.

Why? No, it's totally fine.

I'm happy for them.
That's awesome.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna head out
to, uh, the car.

It's a little hot in here,
a little sweaty.

Well,
I'm terribly disappointed.

But I'm sure
the doctors or giraffes

or whatever you decided to help

will be thrilled with the whatever
you decided to whatever.

I'm outtie.

Great job, team.

What?

Ever since Andy failed
the police exam,

he's been really depressed.

Picking out a dumb charity is the most
excited he's been in weeks.

You're so selfish.

Selfish?
I'm running a charity.

Oh, it's all about
what you're doing, isn't it?

Classic Ben!

Sorry, forgot the oysters.

Great work today.

Christopher.

"Chris-toe-fur."

It's like you have furry toes.

Hilarious.

I have a question... for you.

It's something very important.

Which is...

What is your... Spirit animal?

Jaguar. Why do you ask?

Doin' a survey.

Well, survey completed.

So take 'er easy.

Uh, you didn't ask me.
But if you had,

the answer
I would have given is... Doggie.

Chris, Ann wants
to ask you something right now.

Go, Ann.

- In front of Perd?
- Yes.

No more delays. Go.

I want to have a baby.
Will you be the sperm donor?

The story of this situation is

it's extremely personal.

Think it over. Bye.

Leslie, permission
to leave the corner.

Denied.

But, look, I did not
lose your speech after all.

I forgot.

I put it in my shoe
for safekeeping.

It's a little moist,
but it is still here.

Well, then how did Kim
get the speech?

Wait a minute.

The Pawnee Sun has been
one step ahead of me for months.

They knew that Kernston's withdrew
its sponsorship of the Commons

before I even announced it.

They asked me about the sewage
eruption in Ramsett Park

right after Ron emailed me
about it.

And Kim asked me if I liked

the first season Army Wives

just moments after Netflix did.

The Pawnee Sun hacked my email.

I've been hacked!

Okay, smashing your phone
won't stop hacking.

That's also my phone.

Jerry, quiet!
This is serious.

Well, the police said they're
gonna launch an investigation

to see whether or not
I was hacked.

But it's very complicated,
and it could take up to a month.

There is nothing
more disgusting

than an invasion of privacy.

And I should know.

I've had many women steal
my undershirts.

I have a press conference about the
Pawnee Commons in two hours.

So I need to go through every email
that I've ever sent, ever.

I need to know what
they might use against me.

You can't hack
into a typewriter.

That's all I have to say.

Can it, Unabomber.
This is an emergency.

- Hey, Ben.
- Hi.

You wanted to talk to me?
Or probably not.

I mean, I don't even want
to talk to me.

- No, I wanted to talk to you.
- Oh.

I just wanted to thank you
so much for your help, Andy.

Sorry we didn't wind up choosing
the after-school music program.

It's just--
I totally get it.

The music program
would be effective,

but the ambulance
is gonna help people right now

who are in trouble

and will probably look good
in the media.

Yeah, that's...
exactly right.

Your morning tea, Mr. Wyatt.

Imagine all the money
you could save

if you didn't have to pay
for this expensive stuff.

Am I right?

You could help,
like, a zillion more charities.

Yeah, that's...
also exactly right.

I feel like
I should have thought of that.

Well, let me tell you something else
that's interesting, Ben.

- What?
- I farted five minutes ago.

Didn't even smell it
till just now.

That's how tight my pants are.

Anyhow...

Later days, dudes.

Okay, nothing too bad so far.

There's a "Top Ten
Ben's butt 2012 slide show."

You emailed it to Ben
and Ann...

And The Huffington Post?

Yeah, I'm not embarrassed
by that.

Who is Todo Toadfoot?

You wrote him an email about riding
your dragons to Pelennor Fields

and signed it
"Dimple Broadbelt of Buckland."

Yes, that's Ben and my fantasy
Lord Of The Rings pen pal letters.

I am a little embarrassed
by that.

Here's one to me,
and it just says "Thanks."

You're welcome.

Oh, great, I got a new email

about the parking lot
at the Pawnee Commons.

I keep getting emails
all the time!

I have to do well
at this press conference! Donna!

Listen, freaky.

Every single one
of my boyfriends

has tried to hack into my email.
I've got an idea...

Everybody out.

Ann Perkins, I see you
behind that attractive purse.

You haven't returned
any of my calls.

Yeah, that's because,
uh, I'm mortified.

I'm so sorry
that I was so weird and blunt.

I am touched and honored

that you would even consider me
to be the father of your child.

And I'm glad that you
came right out and said it.

I mean, if we're
really considering this,

then we have to start
at a place of complete honesty.

You're right.

And I'll start now.

You are a great specimen.

That's a terrible choice
of words.

If my baby turned out
to be anything like you...

I'd be lucky.

Can I have just a little bit
of time to think about it?

Of course, yes.

Take as much time as you want.

Or just maybe, like,
a couple days.

'Cause I'm getting antsy.
And I'm ovulating on Thursday.

So, chop-chop.

But take your time.

Wear loose pants!

I gotta tell you, Ron.

You were absolutely
and totally right.

I know. Stop talking
and get out.

Yep.

The redneck ambulance
is a great choice.

We can release a publicity sh*t

of a bucktoothed hayseed
taking medicine

for the first time in his life.

We can figure out
the photo later.

Oh, I forgot!

It's Fondue Friday. Yay!

Yeah, also,
as President of the foundation,

I'm making a few changes.

I'm giving up this office.

And no more visits
from a masseuse

or fancy lunches.

It's way out of hand.

Sweetie, all the money
we spend on the foundation

is tax deductible.

I know, and it's
a huge waste of money.

I mean, there's plenty
of cheap office space around.

And I have an idea

for how to use some
of the money we'll save.

Get yourself
a matching nude portrait?

- I can call the painter.
- Please don't.

First, I'd like you all
to check under your chairs.

I think you might be surprised
and excited by what you find.

- Is it chocolate?
- Even better.

It's dirt.

The EPA has recently reviewed
our soil samples,

and they determined
that we achieved,

and I quote,
"Minimal acceptable standards."

So...
not too shabby.

Uh, Councilwoman Knope,

you've claimed construction
will take 18 months,

but a source tells me
it will be much longer.

I would--
I would deny that report.

I've also learned that the EPA
found midi-chlorians in the soil.

How serious is that, exactly?

It's very serious, Kim.

It's almost as serious
as email hacking,

which is what
you have been doing to me

for weeks.

I really thought
you guys would gasp there.

That is a baseless accusation.

Midi-chlorians
are a fictional substance

found in the blood
of Jedi knights

from the movie Star Wars
Episode 1: The Phantom Menace.

Which, side-note,
was a terrible movie.

It almost destroyed the franchise,
according to my husband.

But that is neither here
nor there.

The point is
I sent Councilwoman Knope

the fake email about the EPA
finding midi-chlorians,

an hour ago...

As a trap.

Into which you have fallen.

Well...

I have never seen Star Wars,

because I was
too busy hooking up with guys.

Unlike you losers.

Uh, you wanna
compare numbers, Terlando?

Get to steppin'.

I would just like to point out

that Kim Terlando
stole all of my jokes

for the Pawnee Correspondents' Lunch,
and they were great jokes.

So I spent the whole night
writing new ones.

Lucky for you,
let's get... started.

I'm very excited to be here.

You know who else is excited
to be here?

- Neve Campbell.
- Oh, boy.

What a great party... of five.

All right, thank you, guys.

The point is, I could use someone
to help me at the foundation

as a part-time assistant
but also an idea man.

Might I suggest Tom?

He loves ideas.
Also a man.

What-- No, Andy,
I've already chosen the person.

And it is not Tom...

Then who is it?

Well, he is, uh, sitting
right here in this courtyard.

That guy?
Do you even know him?

Oh, my God, Andy, it's you.

I think you may have a knack
for charitable giving.

Will you come work for me?

Uh-oh. What's happening?

Oh.