Rent-A-Swag shareholders:
As you can see,
your store is hoppin'.
These kids are renting my old clothes
like they're going out of style.
Which they never will.
Yeah, it's a lot
of foot traffic, Tommy.
- I like it.
- Oh, "day-yay-yam,"
it is kind of
a sausage party in here.
For the record,
would hit it, would hit,
would hit.
Hard pass.
Tom, who is this... person?
This is
Mona-Lisa Saperstein,
my new sales associate.
Mona-Lisa Saperstein?
- Does that mean--
- ♪ Oh, yeah
she's my sister.
My twin sister,
from the same mister.
Thank you so much
for hiring Mona-Lisa.
It means so much to me.
Even though, honestly, she's...
♪ The wo-o-orst.
She is the worst person
in the world.
Huge skank.
Terrible.
But thank you.
It means a lot.
Of course. Got to keep it
in the family.
Yeah, but does it have to be
this family?
Actually, that reminds me,
Ba-ba-ba-boss man...
I need to leave early today because
my shrink got me and him tickets
to a Pitbull concert.
And I already committed
to that.
And so if you say
that I can't go,
it's like you're taking
something away from me.
Um, store's really busy.
- I kinda need you to stay.
- Mm-hmm.
I totally hear you.
Um, I also don't like
what you're saying.
So if you say no,
I will start a fire
in the bathroom.
Okay, I guess you can go.
Yeah, I know I can.
What did I tell you, huh?
♪ The wo-o-o-orst.
She's the worst in the world.
Jean-Ralphio.
How are you?
Hello.
Welcome to Pawnee Videodome.
Today we'll be screening
Stanley Kubrick's 1957 classic
Paths Of Glory.
It's about three men who refuse
to go on a su1c1de mission
and are ex*cuted for cowardice.
Or we could, you know,
maybe screen a different movie.
One that's
a little bit more upbeat.
Like Finding Nemo or...
I could do, uh,Shoah.
Okay,Paths Of Glory it is.
This is the Pawnee Videodome.
And we are here because I started
a program to help local business.
This is a Pawnee institution.
This is the place
where Perd Hapley
sh*t his movie review show
Lights, Camera, Perd.
It's a heartwarming story,
but it's just not believable.
Which is why
I give E. T. 11/2 stars.
Andy, it's over.
Get up, Andy.
What are you doing?
What's everybody--
where are we?
The reason I love that film
is that it's really depressing.
Speaking of which, sadly,
next month,
Pawnee Videodome
will be closing its doors.
- Forever.
- No!
For those of you that
have attended our screenings,
I want to thank you
for your patronage,
though I wish you would have
rented more movies.
Guys, we have to help out
Dennis and his business.
Everybody rent something,
so we can help Dennis.
Sir, will you rent something?
Why would I do that?
All movies are online for free.
I'm watching Iron Man 2
on my phone right now.
Okay, you're not helping.
I, for one, am going to rent
Finding Nemo.
Ooh, we don't carry cartoons.
But if you want a film
about the ocean,
we have a documentary
about the brutality
of Japan's whaling industry.
It's called
Tears Of My Blowhole.
And it's--it's nauseating.
I'll just buy some red vines.
Oh, we only have
Japanese slime candy
and, um, Bulgarian wheat balls.
Leslie, seriously,
where are we?
All these kids have fathers
and mothers
who have birthed them
and are guiding them
through life.
Yep, that's how it works.
How are you feeling?
Did you make
your dad-cision yet?
I am 100% certain
that I am 0% sure
of what I'm going to do.
Ann Perkins asked me
if I would like to donate sperm,
so she can have a baby.
It's a battle between my primal desire
to bring a child into this world
and my paralyzing fear of negatively
affecting any living thing.
There's $60 missing
from the register.
I think Mona-Lisa's
stealing from me.
Yeah, it is absolutely Mona-Lisa.
100%. She's a total klepto.
And nympho and pyro--
all those things.
Okay, as your CFO,
I recommend getting rid
of her immediately.
I'm throwing a huge cocktail party
tomorrow for all my best clients.
I don't have time
to find someone new.
This sucks.
You know,
when I was in high school,
we had to spend a week
carrying around a sack of flour,
pretending it was a kid.
Why don't you
make Tom your sack of flour,
see how it feels
to parent him a little?
Ben, that is literally
the greatest idea
in human history.
I heard "sack of flour"
and "high school."
Are you dingdongs making
fake dr*gs for sophomores?
Because if true,
this guy wants in.
Yeah, just have Mr. Traeger
call me when he gets back in.
Actually, you know what?
Don't tell him that I called.
Just when he gets there,
can you text me and tell me he's back?
You know what?
Let's just pretend
this didn't happen, okay?
This is Jerry Gergich calling.
Bye.
I have to tell you a secret.
But if you tell anyone,
I will k*ll you slowly
with a giant syringe.
Good morning, April.
What's your secret?
I'm thinking about applying to
veterinary school in Bloomington.
Oh, my God, April,
that's great!
Whoa!
Where'd you get that?
The Internet.
So I really need
a letter of recommendation.
And since you work
in a hospital,
- as a janitor...
- Nurse.
I was wondering if maybe
you would write one for me?
Really?
Generally, between us,
April always has
the upper hand.
And that hand
is usually giving me the finger
or pouring honey in my purse.
But now I have the upper hand.
And I'm going to use it
to crush her...
Into being nice to me.
I would be happy
to write you that letter.
I actually know the guy who runs
the veterinary program over there.
Because you hooked up with him?
I don't hook up
with everyone I know.
Although, yes, we did hook up.
But before I write you
that letter,
you have to spend the next week
with me and do everything I say.
So I have to be your sl*ve
or something?
No, you have to be my friend.
No, that is so much worse.
Don't do that.
I think I have a plan
of how to save your store.
If we get
the Pawnee Historical Society
to declare your store
as a historical landmark,
then you might get enough of a
tax break to keep your business afloat.
That sounds like the government
meddling in private enterprise.
Well, Ron, we all know
how much you love
the free market.
But the Pawnee Videodome
is the only place in town
where people gather
to do something intellectual.
That and the slam poetry nights
at Beanie's Coffee.
But I do not count those because
those poems do not rhyme.
Anything can be a slam poem
if you say it like this.
It's pointless.
This man is a failure.
He is not up to snuff.
His business is failing,
and you're bailing it out.
This is a bailout,
and I don't like it.
And there are some pretty
intellectual conversations
down at Barrett's Hardware.
You may get
a little heat for this, okay?
So use your money wisely.
Get popular films
that people wanna see.
Like, uh,
get the Tarkovsky movies
with the subtitles.
No. Like Pixar.
Reese Witherspoon.
I know this is gonna hurt,
but maybe some Michael Bay.
What? No, no.
No.
Tom, I have something
I need to talk to you about.
- Do we need to sit like this?
- Yes.
Mona-Lisa's taking advantage
of you.
And I'm sure that it's not easy
when it's the sister of a dear friend.
Oh, no, it's not that.
She scares the crap out of me.
I once saw her punch
a police horse in the face.
Speak directly to her
and tell her,
"I will not be disrespected."
You're Tom Haverford.
You're a smart,
successful young man
with an adorable, little belly.
Stand up for yourself.
Yeah, I'll talk to her
before the party.
And if she murders me,
tell Jean-Ralphio
to clear my browser history.
Thanks for the advice, man.
You're welcome.
Son.
What's that?
- Nothing.
- All right.
Pawnee Videodome
is where I rented
my first Bruce Lee movie.
And my second Bruce Lee movie.
And when I was
in seventh grade,
I went out back
in the alley behind the store,
and there was
a giant hornet's nest.
And I threw a rock at it,
and it exploded.
- And hornets came out.
- Andy-
The point is,
obviously,
you do not throw rocks
at a hornet's nest.
And the point is also
that the Pawnee Videodome is a place
with tremendous community value,
where people gather
to expand their horizons.
Any other comments here
before we vo--
Ron?
What are you doing
at a city council meeting?
Are you lost?
Are you hurt?
No, I am here
to express an opinion.
This action by Councilwoman
Knope is nothing more
than a thinly veiled
government bailout.
And I, for one, refuse
to let her turn this town
into a socialist hellscape.
Allow me to elaborate.
The government should not
prop up a failed business.
That would be like giving food
to a mortally wounded animal
instead of slitting its throat
and properly utilizing
its meat and pelt.
Please stop talking
about wounded meat.
Pawnee needs a place
where the community can gather
to discuss and appreciate art.
A place where you can rent
such films as Cinema Paradise
or Rashomon.
You rented Rashomon?
What was your favorite part
of that?
I haven't rented it,
actually, yet.
But I like the idea
that there is a place
where I could rent Rashomon.
Uh, you can
just watch it online,
for free, whenever you want.
Bailiff!
Thank you, Mr. Swanson,
for your absurd opinion,
which is shared by no one.
Now, are there
any more public comments
before we vote?
Mm.
How much to rent this jacket?
Oh. Curly Sue,
that jacket is so ugly.
- You should just take it.
- It's 15 for the day,
40 for the week.
Thank you.
We appreciate your business.
Mona-Lisa!
Did you order the champagne
for the client party tonight?
Did I order the what
for the what-what what, what?
What are you even talking about
right now?
Okay, we need
to discuss your work habits.
Okay, sure,
but after I take a quick nap
because ecstasy takes
♪ forever to leave my system
No. We're doing this now.
You need to start putting in
more of an effort
and start respecting
my authority around here!
Or else what?
Or else I'll fire you.
What did you just say?
I said, if you don't shape up,
I'll fire you.
Do you understand?
You are so freaking sexy
right now,
I could crap my pants.
Ugh.
What are you doing?
I guess it would have to be
Channing Tatum's body,
Ryan Gosling's face,
and Michael Fassbender's...
sense of humor.
What about you?
Build your perfect guy.
Um...
Yao Ming's torso,
Napoleon's brain,
and The Hunchback
of Notre Dame's hunchback.
Do you like my nails?
Even though she hides it underneath layers
of sarcasm, resentment, and grumpiness,
I know, deep down somewhere,
April likes me.
I'm kind of just fracking
for friendship.
Gene Strackwell,
owner of Strackwell Hardware.
Is there a form I need
to fill out for the bailout?
We're not bailing anyone out.
Pawnee Videodome is receiving
historical landmark status.
We've been around way longer than
that stupid art house movie bullcrap.
And people need places
to buy tools.
Uh, you can
just buy tools online.
Bailiff, why is he back in here?
How did you get back in here?
I'll see myself out.
Don't worry about it.
I heard you were giving out
free money.
I need $3,000.
Minimum.
Mr. Fantringham, the city of Pawnee
is not gonna give you a personal loan.
What would you do
if one of your citizens
was about to come into
some serious physical harm...
Unless he got $3,000?
I'd call the police.
You cannot call the police.
Wilson Gromling
of the "Liberty or Die" party.
These government handouts
are deplorable.
You're just handing out
blank checks.
I was on food stamps.
I was on Welfare.
And nobody ever helped me.
This is not a blank check.
I have given specific instructions
to the Pawnee Videodome
about how they are going
to spend their money.
In a few days,
Dennis will reopen.
The store will serve a wider range
of Pawnee's citizens,
and a Pawnee cultural
institution will be saved.
- Are there any other comments?
- Yes.
The Pawnee chapter
of the "Liberty or Die" party
has hit some hard times.
We were wondering if
maybe the town
could loan us some money.
Mm-hmm.
Tom, how did it go
with Mona-Lisa?
I told her she needed
to change her attitude,
or I was gonna have
to fire her.
Well, that is very
responsible and mature.
She took it well?
Um... yeah.
For some reason,
she got super turned on.
We started making out.
Hard.
Next thing you know,
we're back at my place,
having sex.
We're together now.
Hey, bitch, I need
to borrow some money
to do something that
is none of your damn beeswax,
namely, I need to wax my bee.
Here you go.
I'd still hit it.
I'm coolin' on you.
See? Perfect!
Okay, you have to choose one.
I can't think.
These braids you did
are making my brain hurt.
Fine. Miranda.
No, I think you're a Charlotte.
You're like a scary Charlotte.
Hey.
Hey, you.
What's--
what's up?
Nothin'.
This is weird.
- No, it's not.
- Yeah, it is.
- Why is it weird?
- It's not weird.
Do you want to talk in private?
No, anything you can say
to Ann, you can say to me
because we're best friends
this week.
C-can we talk later?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Why don't you talk now?
- No, talk to you later.
Chris, we can talk now.
- What's going on, best friend?
- Nothing, never mind.
- Tell me.
- Nothing's happening.
Back to forced friendship.
Hey, let's go put on our pj's
and make White Russians.
So fun.
Councilwoman.
I just came down to see the effects
of your government intervention,
and I've got to hand it
to you--
You really turned
this place around.
Really?
Oh, my God,
this is amazing, Dennis.
- Hey.
- You did it!
We did it!
I did it.
- This is me.
- Yes, it was.
I took your advice.
Got rid of all
those dusty, old foreign films
and used the money
for the part of our business
that's always done
pretty well for us.
Give the people
what they want, right?
This isn't what people want.
It's definitely
what that guy wants.
I like this store now.
Do you realize
what you have done?
The Pawnee government now
effectively owns a p*rn shop.
You have made us p*rn peddlers!
Hello everyone,
I'm Brandi Maxxxx.
Let's give a big round of
applause to Councilwoman Knope
for keeping this store
in business!
No.
Everyone stop applauding.
For the record, I was
just trying to help a place
that had
tremendous cultural value.
Leslie, you've always been
a huge supporter of my work.
No, no, I haven't.
So I'm thrilled to tell you
that I'm playing Leslie Knope
in the p*rn version of the story
of this government bailout!
Please don't do that.
- Oh, we already filmed it.
- Oh!
The p*rn industry in town
was really faltering.
But now we're back.
You're our hero!
Oh!
Okay.
Are you ready?
For you to tell me
what's going on with Chris? Yes.
No.
To sing.
♪ If you're lost,
you can look ♪
♪ And you will find me
♪ time after time.
Go.
No, tell me about Chris.
♪ If you fall,
I will catch you ♪
♪ I'll be waitin'...
Tell me about Chris, or I'm leaving,
and I don't care about the letter.
I wanna have a baby,
and I asked Chris
to donate his sperm.
And he's taking
a really long time
to make up his mind,
and it's really freaking me out.
And I can't stop thinking about it,
and I'm obsessing about it,
and I want to think
about anything else but that,
but it's making me crazy.
♪ Secrets stolen
♪ from deep inside.
- You know this song already?
- Of course I do.
Everyone knows this song.
It's amazing.
♪ The drum beats out of time ♪
♪ If you're lost,
you can look ♪
♪ And you will find me
♪ time after time
♪ if you fall,
I will catch you ♪
♪ Oh, I'll be waiting
♪ time after time
♪ time after time
♪ time after time.
This never happened.
I made everything worse.
If Tom were a bag of flour,
that flour would never grow up
to be a happy,
well-adjusted loaf of bread.
Much less a bran muffin,
which is the highest honor
that flour can achieve.
Okay, so you're
really gonna say no to Ann?
I care about Ann very deeply,
but...
I just don't know
if I'm cut out to be a dad.
You know, Chris,
every parent makes mistakes.
I mean, lord knows
I've made plenty.
But it's the small victories
that keep you going.
When you see your little one
take her first step
or--or graduate college,
oh, my God, it just makes it
all worth it.
And another thing is if--
If, like--
If I--
You know,
and then your kid's--
because you're like--vrrrr--
I don't know.
And everyone's like,
"Oh."
Oh, I'm sorry, guys.
I--no one ever lets me
talk this long.
I just got lost.
It was a beautiful point.
And very well said,
right up until that moment
that you started babbling
incoherently.
And I'll have the number eight.
That's a party platter.
It serves 12 people.
I know what I'm about, son.
Go ahead, Ron.
Let me have it.
Oh, wait, I'll do it for you.
I told you so, Leslie.
This is what happens when the
government interferes with business.
Government is bad,
business is good.
Free market.
Capitalism
is the only way, Leslie.
It moves our country forward.
It's what makes America great.
And England okay
and France terrible.
I like capitalism.
I love competition.
I'm more competitive than you.
- I don't think so.
- I think so.
- Settle down.
- No, settle up.
'Cause the bill's been paid,
and I've paid it, and I've won.
Look, the point is
there has to be a way
for the government to help places
that add community value
but don't necessarily
rake in the money.
There is not.
The free market is a jungle.
It's beautiful and brutal
and should be left alone.
When a business fails, it dies,
and a new, better one
takes its place.
Just let business be business
and government be government.
Here you go.
And one number eight.
All right, party time.
I would suggest sticking
around and watching him eat it
'cause it only takes four minutes,
and it's pretty amazing.
These will not be necessary.
Here is your letter
of recommendation,
so you're off the hook.
No need to pretend
to be my friend anymore.
Thank God.
I can't tell
if you actually hate me
or if this is just how you are,
but I had fun hanging out
with you.
So I don't care what you say,
you're my friend.
And I hope you get
into veterinary school
because I like you, so there.
I got you something too.
A baby-naming book.
I hope it works out with Chris.
And if it doesn't, I hope
it works out with someone.
We're gonna hug now.
- No.
- Yeah.
Ow! You're hurting me!
Mm! Lot of hot "D"
in here tonight.
Ooh, look at that chunky hunky.
Go over there and talk to him
and find out what his deal is.
No, I'm not gonna talk
to some other guy.
When we're together,
you can't check out other guys.
That's the deal.
Or else it's over between us,
you understand?
Mm! Tommy laying down the law.
A little feisty.
I like that, okay?
I'ma go get a soda.
Do you want to have sex
somewhere after I do that?
- Sure.
- All right.
Well.
Looks like things
with Mona-Lisa are...
Continuing.
Yeah. I think
I'm gradually transforming her
from truly terrible
to only kinda terrible.
It's the small victories,
you know?
Indeed.
The small victories.
I know she's kind of a monster,
but whatever.
I'm young.
She's sexy.
I'm just gonna see
where this roller coaster goes.
Fair enough.
Is there anything else
you need help with?
Have you learned
how to ride a bike yet?
Yeah.
I'm 28 years old.
I'm proud of you, bud.
Thanks!
Ann Perkins.
Is that a happy "Ann Perkins,"
or is that
a bad-news "Ann Perkins"?
Oh, happy.
Obviously.
The bad-news one
sounds like this.
"Ann Perkins."
Oh.
Well, I've thought about it.
And I'm in.
I want to be a parent.
I want to raise a child,
with all the ups and downs
and challenges
that comes with it.
Chris, this is so great.
- I'm so happy.
- Me too.
Well, I guess your uter-you
and my uter-me
are now our uter-us.
Don't make me change my mind.
Although we are all sad
and deeply grossed out
that the Pawnee Videodome
is turning into a p*rn palace,
I am happy to announce
that the Pawnee government
will be hosting
a weekly movie night
here at the Community Center.
There will be free screenings
followed by a discussion
led by local film buff
Dennis Lerpiss.
Tonight's film is...
The Sound Of Music.
And... action.
I'm glad you're here,
Dong Swanson.
The local video store's
about to go under.
We have to save it.
Oh, this is the wrong movie.
We ne--
shut this down, please.
- Shut it down.
- Sorry, Leslie.
I'm a strict libertarian,
and I don't believe in bailouts.
This is not how it happened.
05x16 - Bailout
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Public officials in an Indiana town pursue a series of projects to make their city a better town.
Public officials in an Indiana town pursue a series of projects to make their city a better town.