05x19 - Article Two

[bunniefuu]

ALL: (CHANTING) Ted! Ted!
Ted! Ted! Ted! Ted!

LESLIE: Article Two, Section Two
of the Pawnee Charter reads,

"Be it decreed:
Should the taxation of tea

"rise to
an unacceptable level,

"citizens shall dump
Ted into Ramsett Lake."

(ALL CHEERING)

Does anyone object?

As always, I object.

Nay,
enough dithering!

Dump the miscreant!
Boo!

(ALL CHEERING)

LESLIE: Today is Ted Party
Day, where we commemorate

the great Pawnee
tea dump of 1817.

Historical fun fact,

when the Founding Fathers
wrote the charter,

their old-time y script made

one of the As look like a D,

so "tea" became "ted."

It's just one of
those little things

that reminds us of Pawnee's
rich and vibrant past.

Plus, we get to go find a guy named
Ted and throw him into the lake.

CROWD: One!

I don't even
go by Ted!

Two!

I go by Theodore!

Three!

(ALL CHEERING)

Hey, Ted.
Great job today.

You were so funny
when you were like,

"My cell phone,
I left it in my pocket."

Then you checked it, remember,
and it didn't work.

(LAUGHS)
Yeah, that was hilarious.

Listen, I am just here to say that
I am done with Ted Party Day.

Ha! Classic Ted.
TED: I'm serious.

I'm not getting dumped
in that lake anymore.

And I talked to
the other Teds in town,

and they're not
doing it either.

Come on, Ted Party
Day is protected

by Article Two in
the town charter.

And we have the right,
nay, the obligation,

to dump Ted into
the lake every year.

That's the way
it's always been done.

Okay, first of all, "that's the
way it's always been done"

is not a good reason
to keep doing something.

Second, it was a misprint.
They clearly meant tea.

I just think you
need to be careful

about speculating
what the Founders meant

when they were
writing the town charter.

Okay, fine. You want to enforce every
single old law we have on our books?

Hey, can I see your
keys for a second?

Here's a quarter.

I own your car now.

Sorry.

The Pawnee Charter clearly
states that any white citizen

has the right to seize any
Indian property for 25 cents.

That is an outdated
and r*cist law.

And obviously,
they meant American Indian.

Whoa, I think
we should be careful

when we speculate
what the Founders intended

when they wrote the charter.

Okay, Ted. I know what you're doing.
You're quoting me back to me.

But I'm gonna
quote me back to you

and say that Ted Party
Day will never change.

Uh-oh. You, a woman, just raised
your voice to a landowning male.

According to a Pawnee statute
passed in 1868,

I get to do this.

I was not aware
of that statute.

Ron, you have
to help me.

Chris is making
me do some stupid

management training
leadership course.

Now that you run the
Animal Control department,

you have qualified for the Chris
Traeger Management Training Seminar

or CTMTS.

It's not a great acronym,
but it is a great seminar.

Can you get
me out of it?

Yes.

RON: Normally, if given a choice
between doing something and nothing,

I'd choose to do nothing.

But I will do something if it
helps someone else do nothing.

I'd work all night
if it meant nothing got done.

CHRIS: Ron Swanson
and April Ludgate,

literally my two favorite people
in the cataloged universe.

April will not be participating
in your pointless course

because she has more
important things to do

like not participating
in your pointless course.

I just want April to become as great
a department head as yourself.

Which is why
this is pointless.

I've been head of the Parks
Department for 12 years,

and I never had any
management training course.

Ron, you've never
been CTMTSed?

I am legally required to CTMTS
every department head.

Otherwise, we are open
to all kinds of liability.

What are you saying?

I'm saying that
tomorrow during the seminar,

April is going to
have a classmate.

And spoiler alert...

It's you.
It's ALF.

This went poorly.

(DOOR OPENS)

What, no. Damn it!

What are you bidding on?

It better not be Terrence Howard's
t*nk top from Hustle & Flow.

Good.
It is not.

'Cause I am bidding on it and
I am ready to spend an amount

that my accountant calls
"dangerous and irresponsible."

JJ's Diner put an old
waffle iron up for auction.

It's the perfect Breakfast
Day gift for Leslie.

"Breakfast Day"?

ANN: Leslie has
anniversaries for everything.

"Zoo Day," first time we went
to the zoo together.

"Double Date Day," it was the first
time we went on a double date.

"Daniel Day-Lewis Day."

"Talk Like A Pirate Day."

"Talk Like
A Pittsburgh Pirate day,"

which, why and how?

This calendar was last
year's Calendar Day present

celebrating the first time she
ever bought me a calendar.

(sums)

You have to buy a present
for every one of these?

She always tells me not to, but
then she buys me something

that's awesome and thoughtful,
and then I feel terrible.

But that's the thing.
This is the perfect present.

I just keep getting outbid by someone
named "Tall Tyrion Lannister."

What kind of name
is Tyrion anyway?

You're kidding, right?
Tyrion Lannister?

Lord of Casterly Rock?
The Half-Man?

You don't watch
Game of Thrones?

No. You do?
Hell yeah.

Have you seen
those Dothraki dudes?

They can get it.

Everybody on that
show can get it.

I think I know who
I'm bidding against.

LESLIE: I now realize
that I was wrong,

and it's time that
we purged the books

of many of our town's
outdated and obscure laws.

The bill that I have written with the
full support of the city council

will repeal
110 obsolete laws

such as all menstruating women shall
be confined to their bathtubs

and Article Two,
aka, Ted Party Day.

The floor is now open
for public comments.

Oh, here we go.
Thank you.

My name is Garth Blundin, and I
object to your ridiculous proposal.

Uh, the Pawnee Charter
shall not be changed.

Not today, not ever!

Wow, a lot of passion, Mr. Blundin.
Thank you so much.

Your objection is noted
and officially in the record.

Shall we proceed to...

No. No, we shall not.

Article Seven, Section Three
allows for a citizen filibuster.

If I stand here and
refuse to yield my time,

you are prohibited
from voting on the bill.

That section defines buffalo
meat as acceptable currency.

Is that the buffalo meat one?
Mm-hmm.

I meant Article Three,
Section Seven.

(CLEARS HIS THROAT)
Let the filibustering begin.

I would now like to
share some ideas I have

for J.J. Abrams'
seventh chapter

'm the Star Wars Saga.

Pan down from
the twin suns of Tatooine.

We are now close on the
mouth of the Sarlacc pit.

After a b*at,

the gloved Mandalorian armor
gauntlet of Boba Fett

grabs onto the sand
outside the Sarlacc pit

and the feared bounty
hunter pulls himself

from the maw of
the sand beast. Then...

Ugh. He's right.
He can do this.

(GARTH CONTINUES
INAUDIBLY)

This is exactly why we need
to modernize these laws.

This kind of thing made sense
when we had council in a barn

and there were 80
people in the town.

But now, this is nuts.

GARTH: If he holds
the reality gem,

that means he can jump
from different realities.

This will be our link

to the Marvel Universe
from the Star Wars Universe.

Imagine those two going up
against Robot Chewbacca,

'cause that's gonna happen.

After a b*at, Luke says,

"Darth Vader was my father, but
Ben Kenobi was my master."

And he cuts
Hannibal Lecter in half.

Mr. Blundin,

look, the laws I'm
trying to get rid of

have no more relevance
in modern society

and they're
embarrassing to Pawnee.

Repealing them would show that
we're changing with the times.

You can't just change
the charter willy-nilly.

You start by casually repealing
a couple of old laws,

the next thing you know,
your jackbooted Stormtroopers

are kicking in my door
and arresting my wife

for no reason,
if I were married.

By "jackbooted Stormtroopers," do you
mean the Pawnee Police Department?

Hey, Clyde.

Hi, Leslie.

Good Danish today.

The Pawnee Charter is not a
living document, Ms. Knope.

You have no respect for the
traditions of this town.

I absolutely do.

I used to give tours at the
Pawnee Historical House.

Three times Employee
Of The Fortnight.

Oh, big deal, you put on a
costume for a couple hours.

By that logic, every time I go
to bed at night, lam Wolverine.

You bought
X-Men pajamas?

I won them,
madam, in a raffle.

The point is is that
our Founding Fathers

were brilliant and
they were courageous,

but they also had wooden teeth and
pooped in holes in the ground.

It was a more
primitive time.

It was a better time.

(SCOFFS)

You wouldn't have survived
two weeks in their day.

Oh, really?
How about a little wager?

How about you and I go live
in that historical house,

no modern technology,
1817 rules.

If you last longer,
I withdraw my bill.

I win, you
stop this nonsense.

(LAUGHING) You have
yourself a deal.

Please write down what you
hope to gain from the seminar,

seal it in the envelope, and then
we'll open it when it's over.

When is this over?

As soon as you
learn to embrace

the power of
positive motivation.

It's a nine-hour
seminar over two days.

Whoa!
Oh, good.

All right,
let's begin.

Hop on board
The Management Train.

First stop,
Motivation Station.

(BLOWS TRAIN WHISTLE)

(SHOUTING) All aboard!

Stop bidding on
my waffle iron.

You're "Future
Mrs. Tiger Woods"?

I made that profile, like, ten years ago.
I don't know how to change it.

The point is, I'm getting that waffle
iron for Leslie for Breakfast Day.

No, you're not. I'm getting
it for her for Waffle Day.

Wait, you have
a Breakfast Day, too?

Mine's in June.
Please, Ben.

This is the celebration
of the anniversary

of the first time
we hung out at JJ's,

which she considers the
beginning of our friendship.

Well, imagine being
married to her.

It's like being smothered
with a hand-quilted pillow

filled with
cherished memories.

I can't believe I'm complaining
about how thoughtful my wife is.

I'm sorry, honey.
I love you.

Look, I have
known her for longer,

I have five years'
worth of anniversaries,

so I have seniority.

Oh, God. Oh, no.
We've lost the auction.

What? No.

Somebody swooped in at the last
second, and now we're both screwed.

No. Okay,
Tyrion Lannister,

why don't you
just cast a spell

and get us
the waffle iron back?

Okay. I don't even have time
to tell you how wrong you are.

Actually, it's gonna
bug me if I don't.

The Lannisters,
while very wealthy,

do not possess
the magical abilities

of, say, the Warlocks
of Qarth for example.

This is why we
don't hang out.

CHRIS: Think of
yourselves as engineers

steering a locomotive
of positivity

that runs on team power.

First of all, you don't
steer a locomotive.

The tracks do.

Second, there are only three
ways to motivate people.

Money, fear,
and hunger.

Oh, I disagree.

What about encouragement,
appreciation,

and smiles.

When people feel supported, they will
literally explode with productivity.

Can you guys just figure
out which way is better

and tell me
so we can leave?

Thank you for
your input, April,

but the CTMTS requires that we
follow a very specific syllabus.

You're not being
very inclusive, Chris.

I feel like my input
isn't being appreciated.

You've k*lled
my spirit.

My spirit blood
is on your hands.

My God, I've taught
you so much already.

Ron, I propose
a challenge

to see whose motivational
methods are more effective.

RON: Challenge accepted.

I don't want to
seem overdramatic,

but this is literally a
battle for April's soul.

I don't want to
seem overdramatic,

but I don't really
care what happens here.

ANDY: Oh, God.
I hate this place.

Everything is old.
Old things are dumb.

It's like,
just be new.

I don't know, Tom.

I think there's some pretty
cool things from back then.

That is a dope bonnet.
(DOOR OPENS)

Oh, just
getting here, I see.

Yikes. Did you sleep
here last night?

Indeed. I want to be
here when the cock crows

to get the
chores done.

Already, I've
done the preserves

and chased off an interloping
cable installer.

Okay, well, let's put all
modern devices in this pail.

Nothing can be used that
was invented past 1817.

Andy, Tom, you will
be our referees.

Thank you
for volunteering.

Definitely didn't volunteer. I
had much better things to do.

Leslie said she'd
pay me 100 bucks.

And I had nothing better to do.
I'm doing it for free.

LESLIE: There's no way I'm
losing this contest.

Old-timey dress? Check.

Extensive knowledge about early
prairie life? Right here.

Rickets? Cured.

Don't need to
worry about rickets.

Antiperspirant?
Not allowed.

Might get a little
rough in there.

Hey, I was wondering if
you could help me out.

Say no more.

Here's a bunch of g*ns.

Nope. Different thing.

I saw that you recently won an auction
for the JJ's diner waffle iron.

And I'd like to...
That's it right there.

I'd like to buy it.
You and everyone else.

Hello, Ben.

Seems like I love
Leslie more than you do.

Get in line.
ROZ: Yeah.

Get in line, pal.

Who are you?
I'm Roz.

I'm Leslie's mailwoman,
and I need to get her

a Mail Day present
by next Wednesday.

It's the anniversary
of the first...

BOTH: Time you delivered
her mail. Yeah, we get it.

Looks like we've got
ourselves an old-fashioned

pawnshop waffle
iron bidding w*r.

Let's start the bidding
at $650,000.

Okay, I'll counter
with 100 bucks.

200.

I'll let you take
anything out of this bag.

OWNER: I'll tell you
what, Ann.

I'll give it to you if
you go on a date with me.

Oh, God. I can't believe I'm
about to do this, but fine.

One date. But let me make
one thing perfectly clear...

500 bucks.
Sold.

What?
You still want to go out?

I just come into some money.
$500 buys a lot of nitrous.

Yeah, nothing warms the blood
like an old whirly-bout

with the old
butter-gyre, eh, Leslie?

Indeed.

(WHISPERING) Man, this guy's
tougher than I thought.

I don't know how either
of you guys are doing this.

One time my refrigerator
stopped working,

I didn't know what to do.
I just moved.

I just don't think
he's ever gonna quit.

He has that look in his eye that
Ben gets when he plays Risk.

(SOUND OF CHURN
RATTLING QUICKLY)

Oh, wow.
That is really good.

LESLIE: Andy.
No, I'm sorry.

This tastes great.

All my favorite foods
have butter on 'em.

Pancakes, toast,
popcorn, grapes.

(GASPS)

Butter is my favorite food.

Well, then you're gonna love
what I'm churning up. (CHUCKLES)

Take a look at... Oh, my God.
This is horrifying.

(GASPS)
Nobody eat that.

LESLIE: I think I'm in
over my head.

Garth really
knows his stuff.

He planted an entire
field of barley.

How long is he
planning on staying here?

Hey, um, aren't we husband
and wife in this scenario?

I mean, like, shouldn't you...
Not a chance.

Okay.

Wait, what's that?

Do you guys feel that?

(SCREAMS)
(CHICKEN CLUCKING)

How long was
that under there?

TOM: Man, Garth
is a machine.

He brought his own whale
blubber to light the lamps.

I thought he was
gonna last an hour max.

It's like he's getting stronger
the longer he stays here.

GARTH: Wee!

Look at
my hoop, Leslie.

Look at my hoop!

(SCOFFS) Who could
live like this?

No one. That's why
we've moved on.

It's fun to be here on, like, a
school field trip or something.

It's so, so, so fun.

So, so fun.

But to live like
this is insane.

He must have
cheated somehow.

I mean, there's no way a man
who's into X-Men that much

can stay away from
the Internet that long.

We should check
his phone.

GARTH: (SINGING)
Goodness, how delicious

Eating goober peas

CHRIS: Jerry Gergich.

I need you to stop whatever
it is you're doing

and file as many
of these as you can.

Wow, Duraflex cut-top
A350s in deep maroon?

(CHUCKLES)
The honor is all mine.

Well, I knew you were
the man for the job.

You are smart
and capable.

And I believe you can
accomplish anything.

Thank you so much.

You got it, champ.
Get filing.

Ho-ho!
Aye, aye, Captain.

CHRIS: That is one
motivated worker bee.

You guys doing
experiments on Jerry?

Yes.
Yes.

Cool.

(RATTLING SOUND)

TOM: Got it.

Okay, now let's not
read anything.

That's an invasion
of his privacy.

Let's just look at
his browser history

and his inbox and his outbox
and his Facebook page.

Yeah, he doesn't
have any new emails.

Oh, my God.
It's true.

He hasn't gotten
an email in

twelve days!

Is he a ghost?

The only ones
he gets are spam.

And he responds to them.

I think I'm
gonna be sick.

Oh, man. This guy
has no friends.

ANDY: I don't know. Seems like
he's friends with that mule.

(sums)

What's that?

Well, since I can't give her
a waffle iron for Breakfast Day,

lam making her a miniature
Leslie out of breakfast food.

Good lord.

Well, listen,
I've been thinking.

How would you feel about going
in on the waffle iron together?

Seriously?
That would be great,

but whose holiday
are we celebrating?

Well, I think I may have
a plan that'll get us

out of Breakfast
Day and Waffle Day

and all the other Days without making
us seem like ungrateful people

who are annoyed at
how amazing Leslie is.

Dude, whatever
it is, I'm in.

Okay, great.

What should
I do with this?

Uh, just burn it and bury the ashes
and pray it doesn't haunt you.

Jerry, stop filing
those red folders at once.

Begin filing
these blue ones.

Oh, sorry, Ron.
I promised Chris that...

This is the
top priority.

I need these blue
folders done now.

You can eat when
you have finished.

(YELLING) File!

Oh, my goodness.

Money, fear, hunger.

LESLIE: Hey, there, Garth.
Whatcha whittling?

A birthing stick.
What's that?

You do not
want to know.

Oh, my God.

Oh, you look beautiful.

I mean, you
changed clothes.

Violation.
I challenge...

You are bonnetless!
Yes, you're right.

I admit, I can't take
it anymore. You win.

Huzzah!
The day is mine.

(CLEARS THROAT) I...

I'm gonna miss saying huzzah.
Yeah.

Garth, I have another
proposition.

Yes, I will go out
on a date with you,

but I realize
you're a modern woman,

so I will
let you pay.

No. I was wondering,
would you like to join

the Pawnee Historical
Commission?

Those clowns?
No, thank you.

They haven't answered a
single one of my complaints

about their anachronistic use
of fonts in their newsletter.

Well, I'm a member, and I think
we could really use you.

But the only problem is
there's tons of meetings,

lots of work with people
who also love history,

and many social occasions that
you're gonna have to attend,

like cocktail
parties and such.

I can understand if it's something
you don't want to commit to.

Just sounds like such a big bite
out of my soap-making time.

(SIGHS) My cousin's
arraignment is in May.

But that's a day. I just fly
out, I come back the same day.

On atrial basis, yes.

Yes, yes.

Great. Welcome
to the team.

LESLIE: Garth dropped
his protest,

and we were able to get rid of all the
outdated laws in the town charter.

I mean, the charter is
a wonderful document,

but we've had the benefit of almost
200 years of learning and advancing.

Seems to me we
ought to use it.

I did not change
Article Two, though.

I just couldn't vote against a
good, old-fashioned lake dunking.

Though Garth and I did
come up with a compromise

that I think will
make everybody happy.

From this year hence,
a volunteer will represent Ted

in our town's most historic
and cherished tradition.

This year, the honor goes
to Mr. Garth Blundin!

(ALL CHEERING)

Huzzah, I'm Ted!
I'm Ted!

ANDY: I'm Ted,
too, guys.

LESLIE: Andy!
Yeah!

He's naked, everybody!
Put that away!

We're all Ted! Yeah!

LESLIE: No, Andy!

(ALL CHEERING)

Woo!

Thank God.
I don't know how to swim.

DONNA: Okay, final tally.

Jerry filed
268 red files.

Yes!

And 384 blue files.

Yes. Wait a minute.
How is that possible?

Well, he was so happy when you
told him he was doing a great job

that he spent 20 minutes on the
phone telling Gayle about it.

And the
prosecution rests.

Not so fast.

He may have
filed more blue ones,

but they're
almost all filed wrong.

Not surprising since he was a
mess after you talked to him.

Another fascinating
edition of CTMTS.

We may never know conclusively
which way works better.

But I do know this,

when we first started
the seminar, I hoped to

be able to engage
you in the process.

And by that
measure I succeeded.

And I predicted that I would
learn nothing from this process.

Mission accomplished.

What did April write?

Where is April?

"I will pit Ron and
Chris against each other.

"They'll argue
about dumb stuff..."

APR“; ...that doesn't
matter, and I will bail.

Then I'll steal $20 from Chris's
wallet and buy pizza with Andy.

Oh. and I'll also steal
Ron's watch, just for fun.

I think April will
be a fine manager.

I agree.

It's my favorite
kind of battle.

Two men enter,
one me leaves.

BEN: Happy Waffle Day.
ANN: Happy Breakfast Day.

Oh, my God!

You guys, this is the best Breakfast
Day/Waffle Day joint present

I have ever received.

Wow. Thank you so much.

You're welcome.

But Ann and I
wanted to tell you

that this is
the last Breakfast Day

and Waffle Day
we'll be celebrating.

Wait, what?

Oh, my God.
You're both dying.

No, no. We just can't keep up
with all the anniversaries.

It's too much, especially
'cause you're so good at them.

I'm no better at
them than you are.

That's ridiculous, I'm so much better.
Point taken.

But we have
a compromise.

Every year, there will
be one day, Ann Day,

where you can celebrate
all of Ann's holidays

and Ben Day, where we can
celebrate all of ours.

What about Ann
Month and Ben Month?

How about a week?

Fine.

We went in with a day, figuring
she'd counter with a month.

We were fine
with a week.

But there will be a third week.
It will be called Friend Week.

It will be commemorating
this week,

the week that my
two best friends

became each
other's best friends.

I have a Friend Week present
for you right now.

Here you go.

How did you
already have these?

BEN: Thank you.
ANN: Thanks.