05x22 - Are You Better Off?

[bunniefuu]

Okay, everyone.

Look in your folders. You will find
information about founder's week.

And before
we start brainstorming,

I just wanna thank Ron
for lending us his cabin.

Lending?

Makes it sound like I had
a choice in the matter.

I never should've agreed to this or
let you know that I have a cabin

or gotten to know any of you.

That's the spirit.

Founder's week is a yearly
celebration of all things Pawnee.

We've got
a pie-eating contest,

a giant petting zoo,

and the granddaddy of them all,

the founder's week parade.

I don't wanna
over-hype it,

but our parade makes
the rose bowl parade

look like a turds-on-wheels
convention.

Let's do an exercise.

April, what makes Pawnee
the best city in the world?

Easy: Most murders
per capita.

The guillotine
was invented here.

City Hall is run by
the walrus mafia.

Donna, help me out.
What makes Pawnee so great?

Cost of living is cheap.

In about three years,
I will have saved enough

to pay off my condo in Seattle.

You have a condo in Seattle?

Yes, I like the rain
and the fish markets.

Guys, we need to focus.

I want this to be the best
founder's week ever, okay?

- No more distractions.
- I'm bored.

Let's go have sex in a tree.

He'll be back in eight minutes.

Why did you have
to bring her here?

I don't really have any
power in this relationship.

I'll think of ideas
in the tree.

Anyone's welcome
to join us in the tree!

Really?

Okay.
Thank you.

Bye.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Good morning,

colleagues, co-workers, friends.

Everyone feeling normal...

today?

Here's what happened.

I left my sweat shirt
at Ron's cabin.

When I went back to get it,
I found this in the trash:

Positive pregnancy test.

Side note: I accidentally
threw my sweat shirt away.

That's why I was digging
through the trash.

Found that too.
Pretty cool.

So if my science is correct,

one of the five women
who were at the cabin--

Leslie, Donna, Ann,
Mona-Lisa, or April--

is pregnant!

Can't be April.

She would've told me.

That leaves four suspects.

There's only one
man for this job:

Bert Macklin, FBI.

They said I was retired.

They said I was too dangerous for
the Pawnee Police Department.

Turns out they were right...

and wrong.

Macklin,

you son of a bitch.

Hello, fellow Pawneeans.

As you know,
the founder's week festivities

kick off tomorrow.

Um, one small announcement:

Due to
a tragic misunderstanding,

the prettiest pig
beauty pageant

has been replaced by a pork rib
barbecue competition.

Oh, no.

But on to less grisly news,

thank you for participating in our
special founder's week public forum

led by councilwoman
Leslie Knope.

Thanks to a lot of hard work and
some very dedicated civil servants,

this has been a banner
year for our city.

Obesity and diabetes are down.

Test scores are up.

Pawnee raccoon att*cks
have decreased.

People can now suddenly
feel safe

in our parks, grocery stores,
and hospitals.

I am very proud
of what we've accomplished.

In fact, this forum...

is kind of my victory lap.

I am here today
to ask you one question.

Are you better off now
than you were a year ago?

Who'd like to start?
Uh-oh.

Kathryn Pinewood,
Pawnee Restaurant Association.

This town is not better off.

This past year
has been a disaster,

and this government
is hell-bent

on stripping away our most
basic personal freedoms.

Okay, counterpoint.

Ms. Pinewood, I've never
stripped away anyone's freedoms.

I simply stopped a restaurant

from serving an insane
500-ounce soda to its customers,

which only made
our citizens healthier.

And frankly, I don't see any of those
citizens standing up and complaining abo--

Okay.
Now, I see them.

Whoa! Darren!
Slow down!

That sweat suit's not
for sweatin' in, okay?

This is crushed velvet.

If you go at more than a brisk
walk, it will fall apart.

This looks dope.
Let's pay for it.

Business is booming.

If it keeps up like this, I
would leave the Parks Department

and do Rent-A-Swag full-time,
maybe even expand.

I could add
a baby section over there,

call it "Li'l Swaggers."

I could add some old people
stuff, call it "Rent-A-Sag."

Ugh, no.
Old people are gross.

Oh. Nice.

Hey, dingdong!
Can I go home?

My tum-tum
feels gross,

and also, I hate working.

I guess, but find someone
to cover for you, okay?

'Cause we're really busy
right now.

Also, a lawyer guy called you.

He sounded really sexy
on the phone,

and I was very into that.

Like, I was,
like, very into that.

All right,
let's set up some boundaries

on what's cool for you
to say to me, okay?

Okay.
I frenched my cousin one time.

That's gross.

I might still be in love
with him.

- Please leave.
- All right, bye.

Tom Haverford,
my name is Trevor Nelsson.

I represent a client who would
like to make you an offer.

Babyface heard my demo?

I will accept a record deal.

No, you deeply misunderstand.

My client has taken an
interest in Rent-A-Swag.

He'd like to know
if you are looking

to sell a controlling
interest in the store.

Whoa, Diddy wants
to buy Rent-A-Swag?

- Not what I said.
- This is a lot to process.

Will Diddy be coming
to the meeting?

I'm not at liberty to tell
you who my client is.

It would
violate confidentiality.

- I understand.
- It's not Diddy.

Got it.

- Oh.
- Oh, hello... Ann.

Oh, boy.
What do you want, Macklin?

Me?

Just observing. A little something
they taught us down at Quantico.

Well, I guess
I'll get out of your hair.

Wait, there is
just one more question.

- Congratulations.
- Is that a question?

It's an accusation,
'cause I know your secret.

- You're pregnant.
- What? I'm not pregnant.

You're not?
Damn it. Who is?

'Cause I found this
at Ron Swanson's cabin.

- It's a pregnancy test.
- Oh, my God.

Someone we know is pregnant?

I'm trying to get pregnant.
That's not fair.

I mean, great, and happy for them,
and congratulations, whatever,

but ooh!
No! Boo!

We have to find
out who this is.

Whoa, I don't think so.
Bert Macklin works alone.

I will buy lunch.

You can have as many burgers
as you want.

Welcome to the FBI.

Ms. Pinewood, Leslie's
public health initiative

has been a huge success.

Pawnee is no longer the fourth
most obese city in America.

We're now ninth.

Together, as a town, we lost an amount of
weight equal to 800 pregnant manatees.

A gym opened,
and it stayed in business.

And people checking
into the E.R.

after ingesting a whole
candy wrapper is down 40%.

But where will it end?

Now, you wanna rob
our children of fun

by attacking the Sweetums
school lunch program,

literally taking candy
from babies.

Those school lunches
are incredibly unhealthy.

You somehow convinced the school
board that napkins are a vegetable.

They're made from plants.

Stop restricting our freedoms.

Yeah!

My name is Dewey from Sanitation.

Ever since you stripped us of our freedoms

by making us hire women,

we've had to turn
one of our bathrooms

into a woman's bathroom.

We only have one bathroom now.

I'm so sorry, Dewey.

That sounds
like a horrible price to pay

for something as trivial
as gender equality.

So you agree.

Bjorn Lerpiss of the
Pawnee Lerpiss family.

There was supposed to be a Paunch
Burger in this lot next to my house.

And then, you stripped my freedom
by putting a park there.

Now, if I wanna start my day off with a
triple-decker pancake breakfast pizza,

I gotta go to the one
that's 10 minutes away,

and that makes me 20 minutes
late to work every day.

I work at home.

Have you ever considered
not eating that for breakfast?

I'll never consider that.

This feels strangely personal.

Maybe it's because
they're all standing up

saying how much they hate me

as a person.

How many people
am I talking to, Donna?

One or 1 1/9?

Are you asking me
if I'm pregnant?

Oh.
Interesting.

I don't remember
saying anything

about anyone being pregnant.

Are you sure it's not you?

I'm a grown woman with
a good head on her shoulders.

Don't worry about me.

Whew.
This case just got interesting.

Well, not just.

It was pretty interesting
to begin with.

This case just
remained interesting.

Listen, my wife
and I do not feel

that we're better off than a
year ago because a year ago,

this town was not a
horrifying sex den

where people could put their body parts
anywhere they want with impunity.

And then, you were elected.

And now, this town
a horrifying sex den

where people can put their body parts
anywhere they want to with impunity.

- Yeah.
- If you are referring to my fight

to teach comprehensive
sex education,

you need to at least
acknowledge the fact

that STDs are
down 14% from last year.

- And deviant behavior in Pawnee
is up a billion percent! - No, it's--

- no, it's--
- This town is going to hell

in a Gucci knock-off
handbag, girl.

See? See?

They agree.
Come on.

I am definitely better off
than I was a year ago,

and it's all thanks
to Leslie Knope.

This woman single-handedly
saved my business.

Thank you, Dennis.
There you go, perfect example.

No need for further
questions on that one.

Oh, I'm sorry.
What is your business, sir?

Oh, I run
a p*rn DVD emporium.

Well, it used to be a quaint,
little movie rental place

with a lot of community value.

- Oh, it's much better now.
- Yeah!

- Leslie is the best.
- No, no, Brandi.

- Gah, gah, gah, gah--
- Hello, everyone.

- I'm Brandi Maxxxx...
- Hi, Brandi.

Star of such films as the
incredible Burt Wonderbone,

A Good Guy to Lay Hard,
and Argo.

I had a small part in Argo

as well as the p*rn version
Our Goo.

I've seen the first 90 seconds.

It's thrilling.

If it weren't for Leslie Knope,

there would be far, far less
p*rn in this town.

No, what happened was there
was a misunderstanding,

and I accidentally got
the government involved

in an unseemly business, but I cleared
that up, and everything's fine.

It's not like I'm some kind of
sex-crazed maniac or something.

Leslie, are you pregnant?

Did you or did you not leave

this positive pregnancy test
in a dumpster in the woods?

Hey, everybody.

- No.
- Really?

Okay.
Well, I'll get out of your hair.

Sorry to interrupt.

Was that Brandi Maxxxx?

Investors, I have some very
exciting news about Rent-A-Swag.

Someone--
I'm not saying Diddy,

but I'm not
not saying Diddy--

has offered
to buy out Rent-A-Swag

for a buttload of money.

How big a buttload, son?

We would all basically
double our investments.

Are you kidding me?
Sell, baby.

Imagine the kind of treat-yourself
day we could have with the profits.

I'm talking pedicures
on pedicures on pedicures.

That is appealing.

If someone is interested
in buying you out,

it means you're doing
something right.

I say you continue to grow,

accumulate power,
find this investor,

and buy his business
to teach him a lesson.

- April, what do you think?
- I thought about this a lot.

I actually think that you should
get a "Hello Kitty" tattoo.

- No, with the store.
- Oh.

Uh, burn it for the
insurance money.

Tom, listen to me, if there's
one thing I've learned--

- God, nobody cares, Gary.
- Enough.

- Thank you.
- I miss you guys.

What a wonderful event.
Everyone is having fun.

This is great.

Chris, could you just please...

I'm sorry, I was just trying
to cheer you up.

- Just hang in there.
- Thanks.

All right,
if you'll excuse me, I found out

this morning that I am playing

a special role in this parade.

No spoilers.

Honey, I hate to state
the obvious,

but you chose a life
in politics.

I mean, the more
you actually accomplish,

the more heat
you're gonna draw.

- Yeah, I know.
- Let's go watch the parade.

You know you can't resist
a parade.

That's true.

Parades and your butt:

- There you go.
- My two vices.

Whoa, what are you doing?

My assistant has something
she'd like to show you.

Partner.

Oh, my assistant has something
she'd like to show you, partner.

It's a positive
pregnancy test, Tom.

I found it outside of Ron's cabin
after our brainstorming session.

Is there any possibility
Mona-Lisa could be pregnant?

We always use protection...

but I'm pretty positive
she pokes holes in them.

What brand pregnancy test
is it?

It's called
"Womb There It Is."

That's her brand.

I'm gonna be a dad?

I'm gonna have a baby
with Jean-Ralphio's sister?

Oh, God.
What have I done?

Like, to humanity?

This is the perfect thing to
take my mind off of yesterday.

I am going to pretend that
this is my victory parade

and the town is celebrating
my hard work and dedication.

- There you go.
- Leslie, Leslie.

I'm so sorry.
I need to talk to you.

What are--
what?

I'm the Nipple King.

Kernston's Rubber
Nipple Company

elects a nipple king and a nipple queen
every year to ride on the float.

- Congratulations, Chris.
- Thank you.

- It's such an amazing honor.
- It's wonderful.

But I do need to talk to you about
a float that is in this parade,

because I'm not sure
that you're going to be--

- No fun for you!
- Uh-oh.

No fun for you!

- Is that me?
- Maybe it's not you.

- Maybe it's Kate Upton.
- Oh, thank you.

- No, it's me, and damn them.
- No fun for you!

Hey!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey, stop, will you?

Stop!
Excuse me, Pawnee.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to stop
your parade or anything,

but I just have to say
something here, okay?

I don't think
this is very fair!

Babe--babe, stop
wagging your finger.

Certain people
are lashing out at me

because of things
that I did this year.

But I am not trying to
stop you from having fun.

I am an extremely fun person.

This float represents a group

of over 300 business owners,
individuals,

and community leaders
who are protesting

unfair government regulation.

We are the committee
to recall Leslie Knope.

Let's kick her out of office.

Recall Knope!

Recall Knope!

Recall Knope!

- Recall Knope!
- Legalize weed!

Recall Knope!
Recall Knope!

So, I need to ask you something

and I kinda wish Jean-Ralphio wasn't here.

Please tell me that
you're dumping my sister,

because I will laugh--
I will laugh so much.

Actually, it may be
the opposite.

- Is this yours?
- No, no.

Yeah.

It's mine.

- I'm pregnant.
- Lemony snicket.

Oh, my God, are you serious?

I'm gonna be an uncle?
Is that a real thing?

Is that gonna happen?

No, no, that's too much--
too much responsibility for me.

I gotta--I gotta find
another way out of this.

Well, I wish you told me.

I mean, obviously, we need
to talk about our future.

Maybe I could sell the business,
and we could use the profits

to put a down payment
on a house or something, or--

- Psych!
- What?

Ah, ha, ha.
Look at your stupid face.

- You had a dumdum face.
- That was hilarious.

Oh, that was... ♪ hilarious ♪

♪ That's hilarious ♪

So you're not pregnant?
This isn't yours?

f*ck, no.

Do you know how many
different pills I take,

birth control or otherwise?

There is no way that I could
be pregnant with a human baby.

Thank God.
Yes!

Tommy has his life back!
Let's go!

What the hell is wrong with you, man?
That's my sister.

Nah!
I'm just kidding, man.

She's the worst.
You dodged a b*llet, baby.

- Congratulations.
- Thanks.

Bad, bad, bad, bad.

Well, Macklin,
it's not Mona-Lisa.

It's not me, it's not Donna,
it's not Leslie.

There was only one other woman
at that cabin.

April?
No, she would've told me.

Besides, the math
doesn't add up

because we only have sex
every single day.

And since she's the only one
that we haven't talked to,

it has to be hers.

Oh, my God.

I don't like seeing you
like this.

I've never felt
this way before.

Maybe I should just quit.

Maybe we should both quit,

and we should move
to the Bahamas,

live on a beach,
catch fish with homemade spears.

Yeah, you'd last about 30
seconds with that work.

When we went to Hawaii,

you woke me up at 3:00 A.M.
to watch Meet the Press.

Well, it was Elizabeth Warren.

Like, I'm not going
to watch that live?

Look, you can hate
your job sometimes.

It's allowed.
But let me ask you this:

Do you think this town
is better off

- than it was a year ago?
- Yes.

Do you stand behind
everything you've done?

- Yes.
- Then screw 'em.

But even if I wanted
to fight this recall,

how would I do it?

Thank you all for coming.

As most of you probably know,

there is a large committee
that has announced plans

to recall me from office.

My response to them is this:

Bring it on.

Step up.
Step Up 2: The Streets.

I'm sorry,
my adrenaline is pumping,

so all I can think of
is dance movie titles.

Stomp the Yard.
There's one.

Look, I work very hard
for this town,

as hard as I can,

and all that matters to
me is whether or not

everyone here thinks
that they are better off now

than they were a year ago.

I think you are.

If you disagree with me,
then go ahead and recall me.

Go crazy.
You Got Served.

Silver Linings Playbook,
kind of.

The committee says
they plan to push

for a recall vote
within two months.

- Do you have a comment on that?
- Nope.

Again, all I really care about
is are you better off?

I think I'm better off.

I haven't had a date
in a while,

but I'm learning a lot
about me.

Well, I wasn't
asking you specifically,

but I'm happy
to hear that, Shauna.

So, in conclusion,
recall, shmecall.

No, I can't end
my big press conference

by saying
"Recall, shmecall."

That's ridiculous.
Ben, can you help me out here?

That concludes councilwoman
Knope's press conference.

And if you have
any further questions...

hold on to them,

because she has
a lot of work to do.

Thanks, honey.
Honey.

That's another dance movie
with Jessica Alba.

Alright, people.

The Pawnee river's
not gonna clean itself.

Volunteer weekend
task force, mobilize.

Oh, Leslie,
this goes without saying,

but if you need
any speeches or testimonials

or just general enthusiasm
for your recall fight,

I'm your man.

- Thank you, Chris.
- You're welcome.

I'll see you at the river.
Oh, oh, oh!

Last one to pick up
100 rusty cans

has still accomplished
a great deal.

Hey, maybe after, you wanna come
meet me and Chris for a drink?

Sure. Hey, how's it going
with you guys?

We're great, actually,
and we're having a good time.

- Sex is ridiculous.
- Mm-hmm.

Hopefully, that ridiculous
sex will lead to a baby.

I'm so happy for you.

Just remember
to use protection.

Wait, no, don't.
That would defeat the purpose.

Okay, no.
Do your thing.

Yeah!

- My wife is pregnant!
- Okay, put me down.

Hey, you can't keep it from me. I
found the pregnancy test, honey.

Honey, I'm not pregnant, okay?

And if I were,
you shouldn't lift me up.

Wait, are you sure you're not?

Yeah.
We've talked about this.

Remember?

I wanna wait until we're 50

and then adopt a set of creepy
adult twins from Romania.

Oh, yeah.
Of course.

Actually, there is something
I need to tell you.

You're pregnant.

- No.
- No!

We just ruled that out.

- Ah, dang it.
- Okay, a while ago,

I applied to veterinary
school in Bloomington,

and I just found out that...

- I got in.
- You did?

That's amazing!

Wait, why did you wait
to tell me?

Because I don't even know
if I wanna go, okay?

I mean, yes, it's been my
dream to work with animals

since I was a kid
and everything.

But it would mean
I would be spending

a lot of time
apart from you, and...

Oh, we could get through that.

I mean, look. It would
suck for a while,

and I would miss you
while you're gone. But...

as I've known about you

for the past 20 seconds,

this is your dream.

I'm really glad I married you.

Yeah, we made a good
call on that one.

So I just wanted
to let you know

I will not be selling
Rent-A-Swag.

And you can go tell
your client he now has

100 problems?

- Is it Jay-Z?
- No.

But since you're not taking the deal,
I should inform you that my client

will be moving on to plan B:
Opening his own store

directly across the street
from yours.

Across the street?

What kind of store
is it gonna be?

He's calling it
"Tommy's Closet."

It's a high-end
secondhand clothing store

where parents can rent clothes for
their teens, tweens, and pres,

as well as babies, toddlers,
grown-ups, and olds.

But that's my idea and my name.

So I guess only Domino's
is allowed to sell pizza now?

It's called capitalism,
Mr. Haverford,

and you are about to get
a free lesson.

Only this free lesson
is going to cost you.

So it's not free?

You're right.
That was confusing.

This lesson will cost you.
Good day.

This sucks,
but I have to admit:

It's a pretty baller move.

You sure this isn't Diddy?

- It is Diddy.
- I knew it!

It's not Diddy.

Are you sure
everything will be all right

if April goes to vet school?

There are no sure
things in life, son,

but you two seem
pretty solid to me.

- Change is good, I guess.
- Not to me.

Leslie's going around
asking everybody

if they're better off
than they were a year ago.

All I care about
is that I'm the same.

If I'm the same as I was
a year ago, I'm happy.

Wait, I forgot.

- Who the hell is pregnant?
- What?

I found a pregnancy
test at your cabin,

and I checked with all the girls
over there.

It wasn't any of them.

Hello, darling.
What a surprise.

Hey.

Can we talk? Maybe in private?