05x03 - A Seafaring Ancestor and a Bloomin' Onion

[bunniefuu]

I thought we'd work in here 'cause, uh,

well, it's the only room with a table.

Huh. You don't have
a dedicated workspace?

I don't have a dedicated bathroom.

Can I get you something to drink?

Uh, you have Coke?

I have cola.

You have Smartwater?

I have sink water.

I'll take the cola.

It's kind of awkward when
the professor pairs you up

- with someone you don't know.
- Totally.

Well, at least neither of us
got "Throat Clearing Guy."

Oh, I actually got Throat Clearing Guy

on the last project.

It did not go so... well.

Anyway, I, uh, figured
we'd do this on my laptop.

- Oh.
- I mean, unless you have N-voke.

That depends.

What is it?

Presentation software.

Like PowerPoint, only not,
because it doesn't suck.

I have pirated Word '97.

And I used it to write up
the first seven precepts

of conflict resolution
as it pertains to...

Yeah. Relax. I got this.

Oh, really?

And what do I got?

I can go for some chips.

Whoa.

Not your waitress, Skippy.

Cooper.

I'm sticking with Skippy.

Are we gonna have a problem here?

Are we?

Good call, Skippy.

Oh, crap. My screen's frozen.

Christy told me you were looking
for an apartment, and I thought,

sure, you could drive all over Napa,

or... I could save you
the hassle and show you

this little slice of paradise.

What's going on with the ceiling here?

That's what you call an
architectural element.

- Ooh, fancy.
- Mm.

What's this all about?

That's drainage from
your neighbor's toilet.

Really? Don't worry. Little
guy. Doesn't eat much.

So what do you think? You in?

'Cause I got a polygamist
looking for a sister house.

Well, the sooner I have my own place,
the sooner I can get Emily back.

I just don't have first
and last month's rent.

Hmm, predicament.

What to do, what to do...

Here's an idea.

You pay me in cash, I'll
overlook the deposit,

and even throw in some
furniture I got in the basement.

Sounds great.

- Maybe a fresh coat of paint?
- Whoa.

Stand down, Melania.

Hang on. I'll get you a clean fork.

Just gonna walk in a circle
and bring you the same one.

I still can't believe you
moved her into your building.

Oh, come on, Jill. You've
been a great foster mother,

but Emily belongs with Natasha.

I agree. I just think there's
a double standard afoot.

I mean, before I could foster Emily,

I had to be questioned, fingerprinted

and baby-proof my whole house.

I still can't get into my pool.

Slap her in that dump
with her birth mother,

and everything's hunky-dory.

That dump is where we live.

I know. I've been there.

She's just out of rehab.

How can she afford her own place?

She can't. She's paying
me under the table.

What? You didn't tell me that.

That's what "under the table" means.

What are they teaching
you at that college?

You realize that if you get caught,

we're gonna be looking
for a new apartment, too.

Well, Little Black Cloud,

the only way I'd get caught
is if someone ratted me out.

Well, then, somebody better give
me a little taste of the action.

Oh, you want to wet your beak, do you?

Why are they talking like that?

Never ask me about my business, Wendy.

Tell you what I'm gonna do.

Pleasure doing business with you.

So, I was thinking, I should
do the oral presentation,

and you should manage the visuals.

And wear something pretty.

Right, something low-cut
so we can get a good grade.

Exactly.

And you know what you can wear?
My foot in your ass.

Hey, I'm just trying to
play to our strengths.

You do what you do, and I'm super
comfortable speaking in public.

I was in two high school plays,

and I have my own YouTube channel.

Slow your roll, Miss Saigon.

Several times a week, I stand

in front of a room full
of drunks and drug addicts

and share my most painful experiences.

And P.S., my friend's cat
has her own YouTube channel.

Tell you what. How about
we both do the presentation,

and I wear something pretty?

Thank you.

And show a little cleavage.
We do want the "A""

Hey, I'm a little hungry.

You want to get some wings or something?

With you?

Don't worry. We'll split the bill.

Dude, you're kind of a
sexist, hipster douche.

Wings are on you.

You sure nobody's gonna miss this stuff?

Nah, this was all left behind
by tenants who moved out.

Couple of 'em feet first.

Really?

Choked on a chicken bone,

pulmonary embolism.

That guy moved to Fresno,

which is the same thing as dying.

Come on, give me a hand.

I don't know how to thank you, Bonnie.

You just make sure I get
those Benjamins every month.

Oh, and do not give them to Christy.

She lives in moral twilight.

Oh, my God, that's Emily.
My pits are drippin'.

Relax. You have a lovely apartment

with a permanent Christmas tree

and a picture of a seafaring ancestor.

Hey, honey.

- Hi, Mom.
- Oh.

Wow!

When you said "back of the
building," you weren't kidding.

- Hey, Jill.
- Hey.

So, what do you think?

I like it.

- You do?
- You do?

Come on, I'll show you your room.

I got you a Harry Styles pillow

so you can practice your kissing.

Unless you want a Katy Perry pillow.

Whatever you're into,
I'm cool with that.

I like green.

Bonnie, where are we?

What are you talking about?

I mean, I was braced for your apartment,

but this looks like a place

where they take Turkish
people for questioning.

Hey, it's a beginning, Jill.

Back off.

I'm sorry.

I'm just worried about Emily.

She's a teenager.

All she cares about is a
place to charge her phone.

And that concludes the grand tour.

Cool.

Is there a place I can charge my phone?

Right here by the Christmas pole.

Let me do it. I got a
little shock here earlier.

Okay, well, I guess it's
time for me to be on my way.

Thanks for everything, Jill.

I'm really gonna miss you.

Ow!

I'm all right.

I'm gonna miss you, too.

But we'll still see each other.

Okay, Jill. Time to go.

- Okeydokey.
- Mm-hmm.

Here I go.

Okay, feelings, I hear ya.

Sprite for you, Irish Sprite for me.

Cheers.

Mm. So you have no
problem being in a bar?

No, it's fun.

- Actually, I play this little game.
- Mm.

I look around the room
and try to figure out

who I'm gonna be seeing
in a meeting down the road.

Oh, really? Who do you like?

I got my eye on the guy who
finished his date's drink

when she went to the bathroom.

Well, maybe she has the problem,

and he's trying to save her.

Nope. He just threw up in his hand.

Nah.

Hmm. Ah.

Oh, God.

Please don't tell me they're
setting up for karaoke.

No, then I'd be throwing up in my hand.

It's trivia night.

Oh, I am awesome at trivia.

I was raised by a television.

And I had no friends except books!

We are gonna crush this!

Your home theater, ma'am.

Courtesy of the late Mrs. Farraday.

Oh, my God, you're a lifesaver.

Well... if I were a lifesaver,

I would have known how
to Heimlich Mrs. Farraday.

I thought this might lure
Emily out of her room.

Ow!

I'm okay. God, someone should fix that.

Why would I say that out loud?

She's been in there since dinner.

Well... I hope Emily loves Falcon Crest

as much as Christy did.

- Good luck.
- Oh, no. Please stay.

This is not going well.
She's barely talking to me.

Well, give it time. When I got sober

and reconnected with Christy,
there were long stretches

of cold, angry silence.

What finally broke the ice?

She punched me in the back of the head.

Yeah.

We laugh about it now.

Can you please just...
just stay till bedtime?

20 minutes.

I'm a busy woman.
I am not wasting my night here.

Ooh, The A-Team. You
got me for an hour.

Emily! Television!

We'll have the rest of your weather

and all the top news at 11:00.

Next up, The A-Team.

Which Hogwarts professor was
the head of Gryffindor House?

Who is Professor Minerva McGonagall!

Okay, again, we're not
playing Jeopardy!, but yes,

point for Team Demi/Ashton!

Oh!

In your face, suckahs!

Okay. Name all five members

of New Kids on the Block.

Donnie, Danny, Jordan, Joey, Jon.

- Right again!
- Ha!

I still love you, Donnie!

Normally, this is where
I add up the scores,

but I think we can all
agree that the glory

and the free bloomin' onion
go to Team Demi/Ashton!

We won an onion! We won an onion!

Damn, girl, you own the '90s!

Oh! That's 'cause I'm the only
one here who wasn't born in them.

- You can pick up your prize at the bar.
- Ooh-ooh. Let me.

I've never won an appetizer before.

Well, raise it high
like the Stanley Cup.

- What's that?
- Just go.

Thank you.

I never won an appetizer before.

- You guys k*lled it.
- Ah. That's 'cause I watch a lot of TV

and he didn't have any friends.

You're such a cute couple.

Oh. We're not a couple.

He's just a guy I'm doing
a school project with.

I'm actually 40.

No way.

Way.

Thank you.

Hey, uh, if you're interested,

give me a minute, and I'll set you up.

Awesome.

I won you.

Ta-da!

And, as a bonus,

I was just talking to
this girl over there...

You're mean!

I'm so sorry.

We ended up making out in
his car for about an hour.

Look at me... I have
millennial scruff-burn.

Oh, good. I thought you just did

that thing kids do where they
lick their mouth too much.

How old is this fella?

Old enough to know what he's doing

and young enough to be just
the right side of wrong.

Are you gonna see him again?

Oh, yeah.

We're going out tonight.

Gymboree or Build-A-Bear?

- I think you're jealous.
- I pity the fool who's jealous!

Mr. T. What, do you live in a cave?

The weird thing is,
when I first met him,

I thought he was a total d*ck.

Oh, Christy, they all
start out as total dicks.

And they end as total dicks,

but there's that sweet
spot in the middle.

That's where I am... Between two dicks.

That's where I need to be.

Excuse me, young lady.

Where do you think you're
headed on a school night?

Ha-ha.

Oh, come on, I was hammered
the whole time you were dating

in high school... Let
me have this moment.

Okay, Mommy, I'll play along.

Come. Sit.

Now, I know you really like this boy,

but remember,

you don't have to do things

just because he wants to.

But what if I want him to like me?

He should like you for who you are.

But what if I want
him to really like me?

Then you got to bang his brains out.

We always go one step
too far, don't we?

Yeah. We sure do, kitten.

Have fun.

Bye.

Oh. They grow up so fast.

Hey.

Bonnie, I'm a total failure as a mom.

So am I. Big deal.

I mean it. I can't do it.

- All right, what happened?
- Well, I bought a bunch of food,

and then I made this nice dinner,

and then Emily texts me
she's spending the night

over at someone named Ashley's house.

Kids do that. In fact,
my daughter's having

a sleepover tonight with her
little school friend Cooper.

But it's our second night together,
and she didn't want to come home.

And can you blame her? I wouldn't
want to come home to me, either.

God, I want a drink.

Okay. Okay.
I got this.

Have a seat.

Wow, you sat fast.

Uh... I thought that was gonna
buy me a little more time.

Oh. I know.

Let's think through the drink.

- What does that mean?
- Well, let's say you have that drink.

We both know that means
you're gonna have ten more.

At least.

You lose your sobriety,

you lose your job,

I am definitely kicking
you out of that apartment,

and most important, you lose Emily.

So you try to get your act together,

but it's harder than you thought,

and before you know it, you've
blown through three years,

and you haven't been
there for your kid at all,

and by that point, she probably
doesn't even care anymore.

So what'll it be?

Gin, vodka,

or one of those candy-ass micro-brews

I never got a chance to try?

- Okay, I got it.
- Do you?

- I'm just scared.
- Well, you should be scared.

You've got a lot riding on this.

I got Christy back when she was 34,

and I spend every single
day trying to make up for it.

It's a lot of work... Trust
me, it's actually easier

to just not drink.

Thank you. That really helps.

Thank God.

It's still early... How
about we catch a meeting?

I would like that.

Christy's really lucky to have you.

Natasha, let's get something straight.

Everybody's lucky to have me.

Morning.

Hi.

So... you think everyone in class

will know we're sleeping together?

They will when I tell them.

Hey, Coop.

I'm doing a load of
laundry... got anything?

Mom, seriously?

Mom?

Sorry. Didn't know you had company.

I put the sock on the door.

Oh, it fell off... I
thought it was laundry.

Hi. I'm Lorraine.

Christy.

I'd stand up, but my
underwear's on the lamp.

Well, I am doing a load...
Happy to toss it in.

That's okay.

Y-You know, I should get going.

You sure? Mom makes great pancakes.

I do like pancakes.

Can you believe it?

She made me breakfast
and did my laundry.

First time in my life
I came home from a date

and my clothes were
cleaner than when I left.

So, how was the sex?

It's not bad.

But these pancakes...

I'm telling you, she puts
a little vanilla in it, oh...

God, I really felt loved.

Okay, I get it.

I wasn't there for you.

Oh, that wasn't even a dig.

But good.

Okay, so, there's two Ashleys.

There's nerdy Ashley... She's a doll.

Tall Ashley doesn't believe in bras,
and she flirts with all the dads.

No sleepovers with her.

Got it.

The password for Emily's phone is 4535.

But heads up, she will text
some hurtful things about you.

I don't know what made me a "foster
monster," but it still stings.

I just wish there was someone

who could tell me I was doing it right.

Well...

for what it's worth, Emily texted me

how happy she is to be back with you.

Oh, my God, I don't believe it.

Hmm. Look, if you have
any problems with her,

don't hesitate to call me.

We can double-team her.

Good cop, hot cop.

Thank you.

Aw. Somebody else doesn't
believe in bras, either.

Wow. I've never celebrated
getting an "A" like that.

If I had this kind of
motivation in high school,

I wouldn't have dropped out.

You done with the
sheets? I'm doing whites.

Mom! Are you kidding me?

You must be Cooper. I'm Mrs. Plunkett.

Hi.

Is that your Ford Fusion out front?
I hear they get good mileage.

Not bad.

Okay, now you've seen him. Go.

Yeah, yeah, I'm going.

Hey, Mom?

Mind making us pancakes?

Pancakes? I'm not even
really doing laundry.