05x04 - Fancy Crackers and Giant Women

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mom". Aired: September 2013 to present.*
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"Mom" follows the life of a single mother who, after dealing with her battle with alcoholism and drug abuse, decides to restart her life in Napa Valley, California, working as a waitress and attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.
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05x04 - Fancy Crackers and Giant Women

Post by bunniefuu »

Can I just say

what a miracle

duct tape is?

It is literally holding

this building together.

Why do you even bother

with that toolbox?

Well, 'cause I need scissors

to cut the tape.

What are you doing?

Filling out law school

applications.

Stanford? Oh, honey.

This is you thinking

you had a sh*t

with Matt Dillon

all over again.

Hey, we had some serious

eye contact at the supermarket.

He was memorizing your face

for the police report.

Well, I'm not actually

applying to Stanford.

I just picked up the brochure

to make the other applications

nervous.

Well, why not send it in?

Maybe they have a quota

for bitter, lonely,

middle-aged alcoholics.

We can hope.

But meanwhile, each application

ends up costing like $200.

And everyone applies to at least

three or four schools.

Oh.

"Oh"?

What's that supposed to mean?

I shouldn't apply to law school?

I'm not gonna get anywhere,

so why even bother?

All I said was, "Oh."

Sometimes I forget

how much craziness

you're lugging around

in that coconut.

Ugh.

(sighs)

I'm sorry.

This is stressful.

Maybe I should just pick one

school and pray I get accepted.

Oh, come on.

This is your future.

Don't cheap out.

We'll just cut back

on some extravagances.

What extravagances?

Yesterday I had to sew a poorly

located hole in my underwear.

Well...

okay, how about those

fancy crackers you buy?

Again, Ritz Crackers

are not fancy.

You're just fooled by the name.

Well, there's got

to be something.

What's our biggest bill?

Probably cable and Internet.

We're not stealing cable?

What has happened to us?

We became better people

and that's very expensive.

Okay, well, let's give up cable

and Internet for a few months.

Really?

You'd do that for me?

Thanks.

Now I can apply

to all of them.

Oh.

Even Stanford?

Ugh. I don't think so.

Why set myself up

for getting my heart broken?

(sighs) Well, if

you change your mind

and your heart does break,

duct tape.

*

I'm just saying,

I've now given up pot,

pills, cocaine, alcohol

and most illegal activities,

but nothing has kicked my ass

like quitting the Internet.

No Facebook. No Twitter.

Ugh.

My 36 followers are

probably worried sick about me.

But que sera.

I'm doing this

for my daughter

because sobriety

has transformed me

into a thoughtful, generous,

deeply empathic being.

Not to mention humble.

I was too humble to say it,

so thank you.

Thank you all.

Would anyone else

like to share?

I'll go.

Hi, I'm Natasha and

I'm an alcoholic.

ALL:

Hi, Natasha.

I got to tell you guys,

since I started

taking sobriety seriously,

great things keep happening.

I got a job.

I got an apartment.

I got my daughter back.

And then last night,

I met this guy,

and I told him I'm a songwriter,

and guess what.

It turns out he's a big deal

in the music business

and wants to help me.

How unbelievable is that?

Entirely unbelievable.

Anyway, he says he's gonna

listen to my demo

and get right back to me.

She can't be this naive.

And if he likes it,

he's gonna fly me down to L.A.

for the weekend

to lay down some tracks.

Something's gonna get laid

down, but it ain't tracks.

I get it.

You're skeptical.

Without Internet,

it's like

I'm much more aware

of the people around me

and I must say,

I don't like it.

On behalf of the people around

you, right back at you.

I'm worried about Jill.

Has anyone heard from her?

I texted her to see if she was

going to the meeting today,

but she said she was busy.

She blew me off, too.

Well, that doesn't

prove anything.

Ever since Emily moved back

with Natasha,

Jill hasn't been herself.

Are you referring to the

800 pounds she's packed on?

Don't be mean.

It's not mean when I

say it behind her back.

Wendy, would you rather

I say horrible things

to you or behind your back?

I'd rather you didn't

say anything.

Come on. Pick one, stupid.

Behind my back.

MARJORIE:

Ladies.

A friend of ours is

in a tough situation

and we have to be patient,

caring and supportive.

Oh, dear Lord.

Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis

has entered the building.

Hey, hey.

(laughs)

What do you think?

(all groaning nervously)

Very striking.

Thank you.

Is this why you couldn't

make the meeting?

Yeah, but it's okay.

All the stuff I would've said

in the meeting,

I said to my stylist.

It's not the same thing.

Tell me about it.

Weird to talk about yourself

and no one claps

when you're done.

Jill, you need to keep

going to meetings.

I know, but I thought

since I got sober,

my life's supposed

to get bigger and bigger.

Don't.

(sighs)

You know, I can't

remember the last time

I read something

printed on paper.

It's weird, right?

Yeah.

I keep trying to make it bigger,

but nothing happens.

Well, I'm enjoying

being unplugged.

No more friends on Facebook

rubbing my nose in

their fancy vacations.

Oh, I know.

Then you think about

driving to their house,

breaking in and

stealing all their stuff.

No?

No.

Ooh, be right back.

Holy crap.

She's the one who stole my iPod

when I went to Reno.

Oh, hey there,

Beverly.

No chitchat till my hall

light stops flickering.

Consider it done.

Hey, while I got you, I need

to update tenant information

for the building owners.

What do you need?

Oh, the usual, you know.

Your mother's maiden name,

street you grew up on,

name of your first pet,

stuff like that.

Why would they need that?

Why do they need first

and last month's rent?

It's all nonsense to me.

I get it.

You're trying to cr*ck

my Wi-Fi password.

(laughing)

Beverly, you were probably

the funniest kid

in your elementary school,

which was...?

Fine. You want to

play this game?

My mother's maiden

name is Bautista;

I grew up on Front Street,

and my cat was named Rascal.

You still won't

figure it out.

Oh, come on.

Beverly, you're acting crazy.

(under breath): Bautista, Front,

Rascal, Bautista, Front, Rascal.

"In closing, as the neglected

child of a transgender woman,

"I think I can bring

a unique perspective

to the University of Idaho."

Ah, that ought to put me

on top of the pile.

(knock on door)

Hey, you got a minute?

Not really, but we both know

you're coming in anyway.

Okay. So, the guy I met,

his name is Teddy Blumenthal,

but everybody calls him Dr. Ted

'cause he's a big deal

in the music business

and he played a doctor

on a soap opera once.

Anyway,

he really liked my demo and

he wants to fly me down to L.A.

Stop.

What?

Sit.

Natasha, I'm

the last person

who wants to crush

anybody's dreams,

but this "Dr. Ted" isn't

who you think he is.

Most likely he just

wants to sleep with you.

No, no, I specifically asked him

about that.

He said he didn't.

Yeah, they say that.

Next thing you know,

he's got his hand

down your pants

in the bathroom

at a Chili's.

Why is it so hard for you

to believe that

I'm a good songwriter

and this guy

just wants to help me?

Because men don't

just help women.

Have you never

watched Dateline?

I should've known

you were gonna be like this.

You don't want anybody to

succeed 'cause your life sucks.

Hey.

I am one step away from

getting into law school

at the University of

the Yucatán Peninsula.

And if you didn't want

my honest opinion,

why'd you come over here?

'Cause I'm terrified and I

thought my friend and sponsor

might give me

a little support.

And I need to borrow

a roller bag.

Yeah, well, I don't

have a roller bag.

Of course you don't 'cause

you ain't going nowhere.

Oh, God.

Why am I tormented

by these giant women?

Hey, what are

we watching?

Dancing with the Stars.

Oh, good.

Wish they could open

their curtains a little more.

Who is that dancing?

I think it's

Greta Van Susteren.

Maybe Owen Wilson?

You think I'm being

too hard on Natasha?

Let me think

about it. Yes.

I didn't mean

to discourage her.

I just don't want her

to get hurt.

I get it.

But you got to remember,

pain and suffering is what

makes people interesting.

(cell phone chimes)

Well...

Oh.

Speaking of which...

What?

Jill is having a meltdown

at Neiman Marcus.

See? Everything about

that's interesting.

I'll get the keys.

Hey, what do you know?

It wasn't Greta or Owen.

It was the kid from Hanson.

Oh, hi.

Uh, we're looking

for our friend, Jill Kendall.

She shops here a lot.

A lot of women shop here a lot.

Big girl,

might be weeping.

Room four.

Jill, you in there?

JILL:

Yeah.

Can we come in?

Okay.

(crying)

What's going on?

I've been shopping here

for 20 years,

and now nothing fits.

Well, maybe you just need

a bigger size.

There are no bigger sizes.

Even the socks

are a little snug.

(crying)

Jill, there are other stores

we could take you to.

Yeah, how about Target?

Target?

Why do you hate me?

We don't hate you,

we love you.

If you loved me,

you would've said something

before I turned into... this.

We assumed you knew.

Yeah, and we thought

you were okay with it.

You were always bragging about

how you were picking up

all these guys.

I lied.

The only men in my life were

Little Caesar and Papa John.

(knock on door)

SALESWOMAN: Ladies,

everything okay in there?

Can I get you

some champagne?

We can't have any champagne

because we love our sobriety

and our lives are

finally on track!

Jill, honey,

the program isn't just about

meetings and bad coffee.

You also have to

do the work.

You know, you

have to dig down,

try to discover the reasons

you do what you do.

I know.

I just don't want to.

You guys know she's got

a soft serve machine back there?

Nothing like soft serve

to make you happy.

Mom, please, not the time.

Sorry. Want a lick?

A quick one.

Jill, you've got

a hole inside.

You've had it

your entire life.


You tried to fill it with

dr*gs and alcohol, sex...

And an ice cream machine.

What? It had to

have played a role.

But there's nothing

that you can buy or

eat or sleep with

that's gonna fix

the real problem.

Well, all I know is

I got to do something different

because what I've been doing

sure ain't working.

That's a good start.

I think I'm gonna get me

one of those.

The middle handle

makes it a swirly.

I worked

at a Dairy Queen.

Odd thing to be smug about.

Hey.

Hey.

I brought you

an apology pizza.

My mom took a slice

when I wasn't looking,

so I guess

two apologies.

Come on in.

So, how'd it go in L.A.?

The truth?

Bring it.

It was fantastic!

You were so wrong.

Really?

Completely, totally,

embarrassingly wrong.

Here, look, Dr. Ted

sold one of my songs.

This is an advance.

He told me my

prognosis was famous.

This is just

for one song?

And you weren't

at any point naked?

Ooh, that's another thing

you were wrong about.

Dr. Ted, super gay.

Like, "lots of young guys

around his pool" gay.

You sure he wasn't just

pretending to be gay

so he could

get you into bed?

Oh, that doesn't

work on me anymore.

So it all worked out?

It did, and Emily

loved it there.

I mean, she got an epic sunburn

and looks like a Jolly Rancher,

but she's excited about moving.

Wait, you're moving?

Yeah, we're gonna

give L.A. a try.

Uh, Natasha, that...

that's wonderful.

Your dreams are

really coming true.

Well, isn't that why

you have dreams?

(sighs)

Damn it.

What?

Thanks to you,

I have to apply to Stanford.

Stanford?

That's a really hard school

to get into, isn't it?

What are you saying?

Well, I just don't want

your feelings to get hurt

if they don't--

Oh, my God, I get it!

That's what you

were doing to me.

You only seem like a bitch

'cause you love me.

Yeah, well, that's all

I was trying to...

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

My creative juices are flowing.

* You only seem like

a bitch 'cause you love me *

* You only seem like

a bitch 'cause you care *

* You only seem like

a bitch 'cause you love me *

* With your big eyes and

your stringy blonde hair. *

Don't worry, that's

not about you.

Ooh, I got to

write that down.

(laughing)

She gonna join us

at some point?

Not as long as

the Wi-Fi here works.

Give her a Ziploc full of

Cheerios and a juice box,

she's a happy

three-year-old.

Damn it.

What?

Jill's Skyping during

my Game of Thrones binge.

You're laughing out loud

at Game of Thrones?

Yeah, reminds me of high school.

Oh, good, you're all there.

Where are you?

I'm in a limousine just outside

of Tucson, Arizona.

Oh, I love Arizona. They sell

fireworks in grocery stores.

So, the other night,

after y'all left,

I did something

Marjorie told me to do.

I sat quietly and I tried

to meditate.

Next thing I knew,

I was sobbing.

I'm talking

uncontrollable sobbing.

I don't know if that's

a normal part of meditating,

but it caught me by surprise.

Why didn't you

call one of us?

Oh, 'cause it was a good thing.

Feel like I cried over all the

stuff I've done to hurt myself.

All the drinking,

all the men, all the dr*gs.

Now it's food.

All 'cause I don't want

to face my feelings.

(distorted):

It's time for me to do...

No, no, no.

Don't freeze. Don't freeze.

What are you doing?

It's not an Etch A Sketch.

That's what I'm gonna do.

What do you think?

Terrific.

Great!

Proud of you.

So, I'm hoping

while I'm at the spa,

I can fix that hole in myself.

They do classes

on mindfulness and stuff

to open up your chakras.

It's real spiritual.

On the last day,

you get to talk to a horse.

Anyway, the next time

you see me,

(distorted):

I'm gonna be...

You'll be what?

A redhead? A juggler?

Married to the horse?

Maybe just smile and wave.

Bye, Jill.

Bring back

some Roman candles.

Sounds like she'll

be gone a while.

Well, I'm glad she's

taking care of herself.

Yeah.

Hey, you remember

the security code for her house?

I do.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

Soft serve and a dip

in the pool?

Check, please.

Oh, God, Jill's not here.

Who's gonna pay?

Impressive.

How'd you do that?

I hate to admit it, but Wendy

showed me some tricks.

You look sad.

I kind of am.

See? You're in pain,

and now I'm interested.

What's going on?

I feel like applying to Stanford

was a huge mistake.

Why?

(sighs)

Now I'll be tortured for months

waiting to find out if I got in.

If I didn't, I'll be crushed.

And if I did, holy crap.

I'll have to go to Stanford.

Can... can we pause a second

and compare your life today

to where you were

five years ago?

Your biggest problem used to be

how to give a satisfying

lap dance to a fat guy.

And now, you know,

here you are worried

about getting into one of

the best schools in the country.

You're right.

Look at me with

my classy problems.

Whatever happens, I'm just

proud of you for applying.

Thanks, Mom.

(laughing)

What?

(laughing):

Nothing.

Just you going to Stanford.

It's funny.

Hey, why don't you apply

to Harvard while you're at it?

(mocking laughter)

Oh...

Oh, uh, hey, could I see that

for a second?

Yeah.

Thanks.

Oh!

Looks like a job for duct tape!
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