05x09 - Teenage Vampires and a White Russian

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

Oh. Look who decided to
grace us with her presence.

- Hey, Geoffrey. Sorry I'm late.
- Are you?

Well, you know,
it's what you say.

Christy, you're
a good waitress,

but you are
constantly tardy.

Let's focus on the first part
of that sentence.

That sort of thing might have
flown with the old management...

Who no one misses, by the way.
Get a guy with a degree

in restaurant science, I said,
and here you are.

Yes. A lot more often than you.

Because of a little traffic
on the way from school.

- Promise it won't happen again.
- No, it won't.

You're fired.

Yeah. No, I'm not.

What?

Yeah, sorry,
that just doesn't work

for me right now.
What are the specials?

I'm not telling you
the specials; you're fired.

Let me guess... branzino?

Yes. But you're still fired.

How about this?
I graduate in five months,

- you can fire me then.
- This isn't a negotiation.

Great.

Hi. I'm Christy.
I'm your server.

Our special is branzino,

and on the side,
I'm guessing,

is fingerling potatoes.

It's balsamic-glazed
brussels sprouts.

- Thanks, Geoff.
- It's Geoffrey.

Ugh. Sorry about that.
He's new.

Oh. I don't have a pen,

so I'm just gonna record
your order on my phone.

Oh, crap.
I don't have enough space.

Let me just delete
a couple things.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

- Hey.
- Hey.

How was your day?

Not bad. I got fired.

What?!

Don't worry. It didn't take.

Brought home some branzino.

Oh, thank God.

Who fired you,
the new manager?

Yeah. Geoffrey.

Ugh. Geoffrey with a "G"?

Douche with a "D."

Hey, uh, I just got off the
phone with your brother.

- Why'd Ray call you?
- Because I'm his friend.

But I'm his sister.
Yeah, but he likes me.

Fine. What did he want?

He asked me not to tell you.

But you enjoy sex, so...

He needs me
to bail him out of jail.

Oh, no.
Of course he's in jail.

He kept drinking
and doing coke.

I told you this
was gonna happen.

You've done it again,
Nostradamus.

- How much is his bail?
- Two Grand.

Ah. That's why
he called you.

And we're friends.

So I'm guessing two Grand...
Public intoxication?

I'm going with
resisting arrest.

Maybe both.

The old Bonnie Plunkett
daily double.

Hey, if I'm drinkin',
I'm resistin'.

I'll be back
in a couple hours.

Nice try.
We're going with you.

No, no, no.
See, Ray specifically asked me

not to have you guys come along,
or to even tell you about the...

Why-why am I still talking?

That's okay. I'll get the door.

♪♪

So, what's the plan?

Do we let him sleep it off and
drag him straight to a meeting,

or do we just lock him
in a cage with Marjorie?

Maybe have an ounce
of compassion first.

I had compassion
the last time he messed up.

This time, I've got a sock full
of nickels with his name on it.

Starting to see why Ray
didn't want to call you.

This place looks
so familiar.

Was I ever arrested here?

I thought that, too,
and then I realized

it looks exactly like
the jail in Carlsbad.

- Yes.
- What'd you do in Carlsbad?

Shoplifting?

Ooh, that was Temecula.

Carlsbad was drunk,
disorderly,

- and partially nude.
- Partially nude!

I still contend Sharpie
on my nipples counts as a shirt.

I went to bail her out,

it was taking forever,
so I strike up a conversation

with a bounty hunter,

and bing-bang-boom,
there we were, just...

You know what?
Story for another time.

Son of a bitch.

Sorry, man. Hard to sneak out
of the house in a wheelchair.

Oh, my God, Ray,
are you all right?

I'm fine.
I just needed a ride.

- And $2,000 bail.
- Which I will pay back.

Which you will pay back.

Anyway, you hurt? You hungry?
Come on, the car's this way.

♪♪

So, are you gonna
tell us what happened?

It wasn't my fault.

It's like he doesn't know
who he's talking to.

I'm serious.

I was at a bar
watching the Warriors,

and this jackass
got in my face.

That was a great
game, huh?

Sorry. It was.

Come on, Ray,
tell us what you did.

I don't want
to talk about it.

Okay, then just listen.
We're gonna go to our place,

get you a shower,
pour some coffee in you,

and then we're
going straight to a meeting.

Oh. Tuesday
meeting's the best.

There's a
celebrity in there.

I can't tell you
who it is, but...

Hint:
He's a successful magician.

Yeah. I don't need a meeting.

We just got you out of jail.

Your cell phone is
still in a Ziploc bag.

Look, I know I've been
hitting it a little hard,

and I'm gonna clean that up,

- but I'm not doing AA.
- Why not?

Well, for starters, I'm
really not into the God stuff.

It doesn't have to be God.

You can make your higher
power anything you want.

Yeah. Mine's Oprah.
What can't she do?

I know how to stop.
I've done it before.

Technically, if you stopped
before, you haven't stopped.

I'm just sayin'.

Okay, my headache
is getting worse.

Adam, is it okay
if I crash at your place?

Um...
And by "um," he means no.

Hey, I know you think you got
my balls in your jewelry box,

but I can speak for myself.

If the idea is

that you're gonna get clean,
then sure, you can stay with me.

Thanks, man.

The rest of this drive

is going to be awkward.

♪♪

Hi. I'm Christy,

and I see you still
have your menus,

which means you haven't ordered,
and I bet you're starving,

so let's get this party started.

Christy.

Kind of busy
here, Geoffrey.

These people have a serious
case of the hungries.

Excuse us. Your actual waitress
will be right back.

You're late again,
and you're fired.

I mean it.
You are super fired.

I thought I was pretty clear
that that doesn't work for me.

Well, you know what
doesn't work for me?

You. Leave.

Fine.

I would normally sneak this
out the back,

but you leave me no choice.

♪♪

♪♪

Something on your mind, Bonnie?

I just texted Adam
to see how Ray's doing,

- and he's not responding.
- Hey, give him time.

That is not how I roll,
and he knows it.

It's just so frustrating...
For the first time in my life,

I know what I'm talking about,
and nobody is listening to me.

You can't force someone
to go to meetings.

See? Right there, not my style.

Anything worth doing is worth
forcing someone to do it.

That doesn't really
make sense.

And yet if Marjorie said it,
you'd tattoo it on your ass.

Hey.

Hey. How come
you're not at work?

That part of my life is over.

- What?
- Yeah.

Geoffrey fired me again.

And this time, it stuck.

No, no, no, no.
This wreaks havoc

with our delicate ecosystem.

I'm roof, you're food.

I know.
I'm kind of freaking out.

Well, certainly, there's no
shortage of restaurants in Napa.

You guys don't get it.

I am a terrible waitress,
but I had tenure.

I could come and go as I please,

I could bully the newbies
into switching shifts with me,

and I knew how many steaks
I could sneak out in my pants.

Three to five,
depending on the cut.

Cut of steak
or cut of pants?

Both factor in.

There's got to be
a way out of this.

What if you...
bang your manager?

Mom.

I'm sorry. Make love to him.

Not an option.

How did this happen?

My brother's an addict,
my fiancé's an enabler,

my daughter can't keep a job.

I'm so tired of being
everybody's rock.

Oh, my God.

Ooh, Ray and Adam went
to the gym,

and now they're having
smoothies.

What the hell is going on?

Who cares as long as
Ray's staying sober?

Yeah. See? It's possible
he found a different path.

Meh? Meh, meh, meh, meh, meh,
meh, meh, meh, meh, meh.

Wow. Sobriety without meetings.

Can you imagine
how much free time we'd have?

I could finally write
my young adult novel.

I've got it all outlined
in my head.

Teenage vampires fall in love,

but then one of them
gets cancer.

You're hooked, right?

I don't want to
say yes, but yes.

Ugh. Now those bastards are
hitting a farmer's market.

No, we don't want blueberries.

♪♪

Oh, come on.

Hey, Geoffrey, can't
talk, really busy.

You don't work here.

Sure I do.

I got tables three,
six, nine, 14,

and a deuce
over near the bar.

Hey, heads-up, she said her
branzino was a little fishy.

We are not paying you.

That's fine. I'll
just work for tips.

Hey, stay out of my hair,
I might even deal you in.

You leave
or I'm calling the cops.

And how will that call go?

"Oh, no. A tiny
woman wants to work

in my restaurant
for free. Help me."

This conversation is over.
Get out.

Excuse me. Waitress?

Ah, see? She called
me "waitress."

Customer's always right.

♪♪

I-I-I get it,
you're sorry.

No, no, no. Let me do this.

I...

tried to...

force my will...

on this situation,

which was wrong.

And Ray...

has clearly found his...

own path, which is great.

And you were just
trying to help,

which is... also great.

I'm sorry.

This is hard for me.

No kidding. You sound like

you're learning
a second language.

I usually don't apologize.
I just pay the fine.

Well, it means a lot to me,

and tell Marjorie I said
thank you for making you do it.

Will do.

Oh, hey, Bonnie.

You guys are two hours away

from the best French onion
soup you have ever had.

I'm glad you're here.

I have to apologize.

Put that bag down,
this takes a while.

Ray, I'm sorry I, uh, tried

to force my will
in this situation.

Oh, say no more.
Time to hug.

Oh.

Thank God.

Wish I knew that was an option.

I am so happy to hear you say
that 'cause you're my sister,

I'm your brother
and we're all we got.

I mean, you got him,
and he's my friend,

so I guess I got him, too,
and actually,

he's gonna be my brother-in-law
so we're all family.

♪ We are family ♪

♪ I got my white sister
and me. ♪

I love that song!

Are we singin'
or are we soupin'?

Soup now, sing later.

♪ We are making soup, uh ♪

You see what's going
on here, right?

Bonnie, I work in Hollywood,
I know when someone's

coked out of their mind.

So I found this rehab in
Tennessee that has a bed,

but they don't take the kind
of insurance Ray has.

Wendy says she knows a place,
but, you know,

she also recommended
that Korean barbecue

that had us all in the bathroom
for a week.

On the bright side, I finally
got to read Lonesome Dove.

The other option
is keep him with us

and he can be treated
as an outpatient.

What do you think?

Well, what does he want?

Well, he wants to keep
getting high and make soup,

so he doesn't get a vote.

Wait a minute,
did he ask you for help?

No, and I know what you're gonna
say, but he needs help

and I am the only one
who can give it to him.

I-It's not gonna work.

It-it's going to work,
because it has to.

All I have to do is...
Bonnie,

you're making yourself crazy,
and if you don't stop,

you're gonna end up drinking
long before you get him sober.

So w-what am I supposed to do?

You have to let him go.

He's my brother.
I just found him.

I'm not gonna lose him.

I get it.

A-All I have to do

- is convince him...
- Bonnie,

stop.

I just...

feel so helpless.

I know.

♪♪

You wanted to see me?

- This is her?
- Yes.

This is Leo Raskel,

our regional manager.

He's here today from corporate
in Sacramento.

Look,

I know I haven't exactly been
the best employee

and I'm not
gonna stand here

and tell you about
the struggles I've faced

as a recovering alcoholic with
a dream of becoming a lawyer.

Okay.

What I am going to tell you
is that...

I am your worst nightmare.

I have worked at this restaurant
for 11 years,

and I know where all the bodies
are buried.

I know that your
locally sourced, organic,

grass-fed beef is only
one of those things.

I know that several of our
busboys live in the basement,

along with assorted vermin.

And I know that
we served the tip

of Paul's finger
in last week's ceviche.

I could go on, but, uh, I think
I've painted a picture.

So, you fire me and all of this
goes on Yelp.

Or you put me back on the books

and that nice, pretty
four-and-a-half star rating

stays right where it is.

Works for me.

See that, Geoffrey?

That's how you make it
to Sacramento.

Oh.

I might be a little late
tomorrow.

We'll see how it goes.

♪♪

Hey, Bonnie.

Hello.

So, um...

Adam kicked me out.

Yeah.

He told me.

What's the big deal?

I got high once.

The big deal is
you're an addict.

And your life is
not gonna get better

until you deal with it.

Can I stay here?

Nope.

Seriously?

What am I supposed to do?
Sleep in my car?

I've done it.

Little tip: Park at Walmart.

They won't kick you out.

Bonnie, I'm your brother.

I know... and I love you.

There are a few announcements
before we begin.

The community center has
asked us not to smoke

on the property,
and not to park

in the reserved spaces on the
north side of the building.

I got your text.

You did the right thing.

It doesn't really
feel like it.

I know.

Would you kick me out
if I started using again?

I did.
You just don't remember.

If it helps,

I never thought you were gonna
get sober, but you did.

Back at ya.

Please take a moment

to silence your cell phones

and out of respect
for the speaker...

How's Adam dealing with it?

He turned it over to
his higher power.

♪♪

White Russian.
Keep 'em coming.

Rough day?

Ugh. Just this woman
who works for me.

She's been busting my balls
all week.

I hear ya.

Bartender, put his drinks
on my tab.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Who's your friend?

Ah, just another man

with an ice pack
down his shorts.

So, how you doin'?

I'm okay, I just feel bad
about Ray.

For what it's worth,
it means a lot to me

that you tried
to help my brother.

I like the guy.

Think I'll get
my two Grand back?

Mm, you're adorable.

Mm.
Tell you what,

this round's on me.

He'll have another beer.

I'll take a Sprite.

Coming up.
Wait a minute.

Bonnie?

Oh, my God.

Frankie, is that you?

I heard you were dead.

Heard the same thing about you.

You used to drink in here?

No. Frankie and I
spent a weekend

in the hull
of a ship and...

You know what?

Story for another time.

♪♪