05x10 - A Bear and a Bladder Infection

[bunniefuu]

Previously on
"Mom"...

I was thinking I could stay

an extra night
for the express purpose of

taking you out.

- I'd really like that.
- Oh, great.

Are you kidding me?
You can't go out with Adam's brother.

And yet I've got my good bra on
and I'm headed out the door.

Yeah, but I actually
have to get back home tomorrow.

I'm gonna miss you.

You think we should try
the long-distance thing?

I'm game.

But while I've got you here...

You ready for
your coffee, babe?

No, thanks.

Starting today,
I am giving it up.

Seriously?

Coffee is your only
source of water.

When did water
become such a big thing?

Isn't it enough
that I bathe in it?

Where did all this come from?

I read it on Facebook.

"Five Things You Should Give Up
for a Happier Life."

Was number one Facebook?

Hey, how come you guys
didn't wake me up for school?

'Cause you're not seven.

I wish I was.
I liked living alone.

You want a bagel?

Thanks, but all I need
is coffee.

How sad to be so dependent.
I remember those days.

She gave up coffee
30 seconds ago.

Good for you.

You're a dead man.

She's just kidding.

Help me.

Oh, damn.

I just missed another
phone call from Patrick.

How does this happen?
I was holding my phone in my hand.

Why do you hate love?

Why don't you stop
playing phone tag

and just drive down
to Santa Cruz to see him?

When? We have
totally opposite schedules.

Relationships are t*rture.

Like waterboarding with sex.

That's the sort of comment
that used to bother me

when I was under the thumb
of the brown God.

This long-distance thing
is just so frustrating.

I'm not sure Patrick and
I can make it work.

For what it's worth,
I hope you guys figure it out.

Oh, my God,
I just missed his call again!

How, how, how?!

I'll see ya later.

Boy, I do not miss dating,
you know what I mean?

Take a sip of your coffee
and kiss me.

Hey, Patrick, sorry I missed
your call, yet again.

I dropped my phone
in the fountain

in front of the library.

I was making a wish.

Actually, I was wishing
you would call me.

Ironic, right?

Is it ironic?

That's a word I should
probably stay away from

until I figure out
what it really means.

Anyway, my phone
still works, so...

hit me back, as the kids say.

Yikes.

Oh, by the way, this is Christy.

Who should've stopped
at "Sorry I missed your call."

Excuse me.

Don't I know you from
that time we slept together?

Hi, Cooper.

Sorry, I've been meaning
to catch up with you.

Oh, now's your chance.
You mind if I sit?

Kind of a bad time;
I-I really got to study.

Got it. I won't say a word.

Mm.

Mm.

"Bonjour.

You are the hottest girl
in the student center."

Cooper, seriously?

It's not me.
He has a mind of his own.

"And I cannot
get you off of it."

Very funny.

"I am not trying to be funny,
I am trying to be sexy.

Hon, hon, hon."

By being lame?

"Oh, that depends.

Is it working,
mon petit ketchup packet?"

"That was fantastique."

It worked; knock it off.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Hey.

Oh, geez,
you scared me!

I thought you gave up coffee.

My head is pounding,
my colon's in gridlock,

and I winged a butter plate at
Adam, so I'm back on the bean.

Yeah, yeah, good for you.

I had sex with Cooper.

I'm sorry, what?

I know. I feel so guilty.

Why?

Because I'm seeing someone.

Patrick? Oh, come on,
you haven't even slept with him.

Believe me, I want to,

but our genitals are never
in the same ZIP Code.

And that's not gonna change
anytime soon,

so you're free to do
whatever you want.

It's like prison.
Nobody's married, nobody's gay.

Whoa, Mom.

You actually made me
feel better.

Thank you.

You act like it's the first...

You're welcome.

Ugh, please
don't tell Adam.

Why would I tell him
you're cheating on his brother?

He would see it that way.
I don't. Keep hugging.

Ah...

You never know how much you love
something until you give it up.

You realize you're talking
to a table full of addicts?

I don't see the connection.

So, Christy,
I'm confused.

At your age,
it's only gonna get worse.

Are you and Cooper dating again?

No. It was just
a one-time thing.

Well, a two-time thing.

I swung by on the way over here.

Oh, look at you having it all.

If you get a bladder infection,
I'm gonna be so proud.

So you like this boy.

No, I like Patrick.

I'm just having fun with Cooper.

Be careful, with your bladder
and your heart.

I'm fine.

Guys do this stuff all the time.
Why can't I?

Because you can't be intimate
without getting attached.

Just 'cause I'm sober?

No, because you're you.

I can do it, Bonnie can do it...

Can do it blindfolded, and have.

I'm doing it right now.

He's an anesthesiologist.
I feel nothing.

I'm sure
he doesn't either.

Where you headed?
Cooper's.

Dressed like that?

That's the beauty
of this thing.

It requires
virtually no effort.

I text two words:
"You up?"

And bam, it's on.

One time it auto-corrected to
"Soup?" but it still happened.

Hey, where you off to?

Uh... to the store.

Not the close one, the one
across town with the olive bar.

God, I love olives.

Anyway, I might be a while.

Would you mind
picking up some coffee?

Your mom's blowing through
a bag a day.

- Sure.
- Well, as long as

you're going... to the store...

could you pick up some soup?

Everybody loves
a nice, hot, sexy bowl of soup.

Yeah, soup would be great.

Got it.

Coffee and soup.

She's the best.

My brother does
not deserve her.

Aw, that's sweet.

You should've told her that
before she left.

Oh, my God, it gets better
every time.

Sure does.

I got to go.

Wait. Wait.

Why are you always in
such a hurry to leave?

Well, I'm busy, you're busy.

Busy, busy, busy.

Yeah, but this is
working, right?

Works for me.

I'm free Tuesday at 5:00,

as long as I'm back
in my car by 20 after.

Christy, come on.

This isn't just
hooking up anymore.

It isn't?

No.

I am totally
falling in love with you.

Yup.

♪ Falling in
love with you. ♪

But you're
a 24-year-old guy.

24-year-old guys
don't fall in love.

My mom says
I'm an old soul.

Well, I am
a much older soul.

And I have a lot of baggage.

Lots and lots of baggage.

Then let me help
you carry it.

Holy cow.

Cooper, look, I just don't have
the same feelings for you.

Oh.

Well, now I'm a
little embarrassed.

I booped your nose
and everything.

I thought we were just
gonna keep it casual,

you know,
having a good time.

You mean just sex?

Exactly.

I assumed we were
on the same page.

Well, we were not.

So, just to be clear,
Tuesday at 5:00 not happening?

Bonnie, Bonnie,
wake up. Bonnie.

It's sleepy time.

I'll throw you one
in the morning.

Bonnie. Bonnie.

Okay, fine, but it's not
gonna be the Fourth of July.

I don't want to have sex.

Why not?
What's wrong with me?

I'm worried about Christy;
she never came home from the store.

Oh.

Yeah.

Well, she takes forever.

She walks down every aisle,
she talks to people,

then she has to find
someone tall

to get stuff off the top shelf.
It's a circus.

Why am I more worried
about your kid than you are?

God, now you sound like
the lady from Child Services.

What if she got in an accident?
I think you're overreacting.

I think you're underreacting.
I'm gonna call the police.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Plunkett family rule number one:
no cops, ever.

What is wrong with you?

You know what? You're right.

I'm gonna text her.

Oh.
She actually texted me.

Uh, "Ran into Wendy.
She's having a crisis.

What else is new?
Be home late."

Huh. Well, that made me horny.
How 'bout you?

Oh, hey, you're still up.

Yeah. How's Wendy?

Wendy?

Yeah, your mom said
she was having a crisis.

Oh, yes. Wendy's crisis.

So bad.

We ate your soup
and drank your coffee.

Sorry to hear that.
What's wrong?

Ugh, I can't really
talk about it.

It's an A.A. thing.
It's a lady thing.

It's an A.A. lady thing.

Got it.

Well, glad you
made it home safe.

I was a little worried.

Oh.

Thanks.

Night.

Night.

Oh, damn it.

Adam, I lied.

I wasn't with Wendy.

I was with a guy.

A guy?

A guy who isn't your brother.

Oh.

Yeah, I've been seeing Patrick,

but I've also been
doing this other thing, and...

I guess
I'm kind of embarrassed.

Okay.

Well, um, not proud of it,
but...

there's a part of me that's...

kind of laughing at my brother
right now.

Tempted to call him up
and rub his nose in it.

You can't.

I won't. I-I won't.

Good, 'cause I really like him.

I made a mess, didn't I?

Like a dog after he ate
a can of chili.

My dog did that once.

We had to burn
the carpet...

I hope you don't think
less of me.

Christy, your life is your life,
but I got to tell you,

all this lying and
sneaking around,

it doesn't
sound like you.

Sounds more
like your mom.

Oh, my God, that's the
worst thing you could say.

I'm sorry. I just mean
you're better than she is.

She knows. I told her.

So...

who is this guy
who's not my brother?

Just someone
from school.

It was supposed
to be casual.

My attempt
at being a dude.

But then he went and screwed it
up by having feelings for me.

Hold on. Did you set
up the ground rules?

No, I just assumed
we were on the same page.

Ooh, rookie mistake.

Listen, if you're
gonna act like a dude,

you got to set
up the rules.

You got to say things like
"I'm not looking for a relationship,

"I'm not built for
a relationship,

I'm not a relationship kind of
guy," that type of nonsense.

Oh, you're right.

Guys do say that.

Guess I never really heard it
because at that point

I'm always thinking,
"I can change you,

I can change you,
I can change you."

When will women learn
they can't change men?

Says the man who put a ring
on my mom's finger

and now listens to Adele.

Son of a bitch.

Okay, how does
this sound?

"Dear Cooper..."

Bad.

It's a text,
not a letter from camp.

Don't send anything.

But I need him to forgive me.

How many times have
you apologized?

Four...

teen.

Did you try an
Edible Arrangement?

She's apologizing for
an "edible arrangement."

I am wasted
on all of you.

It's horrible.

I can't eat, can't sleep.

This is what I was
worried about.

You developed feelings.

Oh, I get it.

"Edible."

Cooper developed
the stupid feelings.

I was the dude.

If you were really the dude,
you wouldn't care.

You would ride off
on your motorcycle

and go sh**t pool,
maybe a bear.

I'm not even listening
to her anymore.

Honey, you're just gonna
have to live with the fact

that there's somebody out there
who doesn't like you.

"Doesn't like you"?
He hates her guts.

And FYI, he's not alone.

I'm just saying

that it's not fair for you
to continue hurting him

just to make yourself
feel better.

She's so wise.

And yet she thought
a purple velour tracksuit

was a good idea.

Fine.

I'll leave Cooper alone.

Good.

Now, who else hates me?

Greg at
the Thursday night meeting.

Who's Greg?

The guy you always call Scott.

Oh, my God, Scott hates me?

Hi.

Oh, God, when do you graduate?

Look, I know I already said
I was sorry,

but I just need you to know
that I'm really, really sorry.

I just don't get it, Christy.

I mean, it would be one thing
if there was another guy.

Ooh, there is!

There's totally another guy.

Does that help?

Not as much as I hoped.

What I mean is if I was
able to actually see him,

I wouldn't have needed you.

Oops, that came out
a little harsh.

Everything you say
comes out a little harsh.

I just mean that
it's a long-distance thing,

and I was frustrated
because it was so complicated

and you were so easy.

Your apology is making me
want to k*ll myself.

That's not what I want.

Okay, then what do you want?

I guess I want to be
with the other guy.

Then go.

"Okay. Well,
perhaps you will take comfort

"in the fact that I will die
long before you.

Au revoir."

Marjorie said moderation is key,

so I'm just gonna have
one cup of coffee a day.

I can live with that.

You must have been a fun drunk.

I had a small but fervent
cult following.

Wow. Christy's driving down
to Santa Cruz to see Patrick.

She said she's either gonna make
it work or get her heart broken.

I can't believe she's that
crazy about my brother.

He's kind of a tool.

We are so lucky
to have each other.

Yeah, we are.
And, hey, you don't ever

have to worry about
me cheating on you.

I wasn't, but go on.

I mean, juggling girlfriends,

trying to remember which lie
you told who, sneaking around.

Being with you is
so much less trouble.

Look at you,
writing your vows already.

No, no, you know
what I meant.

I do. And you know
if you ever did cheat on me,

I would take the wheels
off your chair

and leave you in the woods.

I do.

It's just kind of wonderful
that Christy's racing

down the highway, wind in her hair,
all in the name of love.

♪ I'm so excited ♪

♪ And I just can't hide it ♪

♪ I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know ♪

♪ I want you, I want you.