05x15 - Esta Loca and a Little Klingon

[bunniefuu]

Oh, and my fiancé...

(chuckles) I love saying that...

We've been talking about the
guest list for our wedding.

While we'd love to invite everyone,

we're gonna have to
make some hard choices.

Hint: a good pre-wedding gift
could be the bump you need.

Any Apple products

gets you in the first five rows.

Does she really think this
is gonna be a hot ticket?

Welcome to the waiting list, Marjorie.

Would a waffle iron get me a good seat?

It'll get you in the building.

I'll share. Christy, alcoholic.

ALL: Hi, Christy.

You know, she is not
kidding about that list.

I don't even think I made the cut.

Anyway, my boyfriend is in town
this weekend for his birthday,

and I saved enough money
to take him to dinner,

buy him a travel mug,

and... get professionally waxed.

So no more bristly patches.

It's true what they say:

if you stay sober, your
life gets bigger and better

and... smoother.

Thanks.

Of course you're invited to the wedding.

I'm gonna need someone to
hold up my dress while I pee.

All right, we have time for one more.

Uh, would our newcomer like to share?

Hi, I'm Jill, alcoholic.

ALL: Hi, Jill.

It's weird to call myself a newcomer,

but that's what I am.

Got the one-day chip to prove it.

'Course I keep slipping, so I
got about ten of these things.

By the way, should I be recycling 'em?

You know like give a
penny, take a penny?

Anyhow...

I've been having a
hard time staying sober,

but this morning felt
different. I got up off the lawn,

before the sprinklers
went off this time.

I went inside,

poured myself a cup of coffee

with just cream, no vodka,

and said "Morning, world!

It's a brand new day."

Also, if I sent you a video of myself

singing Carrie Underwood naked,
could you please delete it?

Thanks.

I'll show it to you when we get home.

CHRISTY: Get ready for
your next birthday surprise.

Whoa.

Look quick, 'cause it's coming off fast.

Wow, I did not think you
could top that travel mug.

- Smooth.
- I know!

(cell phone vibrating)

Oh, please tell me that's
something in your bedside table

that we're gonna use later.

- I'll turn it off.
- Okay.

Oh, God, it's my friend Jill.

I hate to do this, but I got to go.

Now? Not, like, ten
glorious minutes from now?

Sorry, it's an emergency.

W-What's wrong?

She's been trying to get sober,

and now she's drunk and freaking out.

I promise I'll make it up to you.

(door closes, reopens)

If you get hungry,
there's chocolate sauce

in the nightstand.

Can you believe this?

I know, we were just getting started.

Oh? We were done.

Wow.

Yeah. We've been together a while.

We got it down to three essential moves.

I can't believe it.

I went to the market
to get some almond milk,

and I ended up buying
two fifths of vodka.

Ugh. You drink almond milk?

More coffee and cookies.
May I go home now?

Yeah. I'm sorry about your shoes.

Thank you for aiming down this time.

- Good night.
- Thank you, Soledad.

Why does this keep happening?

Oh, honey, it's a cunning
and baffling disease.

That's the best you got?

Give me a break. It's late.

I'm not wearing a bra.

The important thing
is that you called us.

And that Soledad took the scissors away

before you gave yourself a mullet.

I really do want to get sober.

It's okay.

You're gonna get this.

Just call us before you
go to the market next time.

- We love you.
- Yeah.

- We're here for you.
- Oh, my God.

This cookie is giving me my
second orgasm of the night.

Oh, yeah, you're totally gonna get this.

So they just don't come home all night,
and that's normal?

Oh, you can't get hung up

on what's normal around here.

Be happy they left us
milk and toilet paper.

Looks like the highlight
of my birthday weekend

will be more time with
my d*ck-weed brother.

You call it your birthday,

I call it the th anniversary
of you stealing my mother.

- (chuckles)
- What?

Seriously, dude?

You still eat Captain Crunch?

First of all, dude,

it's pronounced "Cap'n."

And you disrespect his
service to the Crunch Navy

if you say it any other way.

- BONNIE: Boys, we're back.
- In here.

Hey, how's Jill?

Ah, she yelled,

she tried to make out with Wendy,

she took a swing at Marjorie...
Nothing we haven't seen before.

Now she's sleeping it off,
which is what I want to do.

Caring about other people is exhausting.

I am never doing it again.

Good night.

You seem pretty b*at.

Me? No. No.

I have a whole day planned for us.

We're gonna go for a hike and...

(yawning): see that documentary on bees

you keep talking about and, uh...

then we're gonna have
a-a fabulous dinner.

So, happy birthday.

- Yay.
- (chuckles)

Yeah. Why don't we just skip the hike

and you go take a nap, huh?

No, no, no, no, no, no. No.

Okay, yes.

But two hours, tops,

and then it's big fun for you, mister.

(chuckles)

(chuckles softly)

Yeah, I'm not gonna see her
the rest of the day, am I?

- No.
- Yeah.

- BONNIE: Adam!
- Coming!

Sex helps her fall asleep.

She says I've got pure
Ambien between my legs.

You guys don't have to
worry anymore. I got this.

I realized what I've been doing wrong.

I didn't have a plan, but now I do.

I went to a meeting this morning,

then went to another
meeting with you gals,

gonna have my eyebrows re-threaded,

then go to another meeting tonight.

And I'm gonna bookend
every day by calling Christy

in the morning and again
at night to let her know

I stuck with my plan.

How's that for a plan?

Well, it was fast and wordy.

And a very good plan.

Christy, I hope I didn't ruin

your boyfriend's birthday weekend.

Patrick's fine. When
I woke up from my nap,

he had left to go bowling with Adam.

Yes, Adam bowls.

Nobody's perfect.

I love bowling.

I think it's sexy.

Yeah. That's why there's
so much bowling p*rn.

There is.

Well, since y'all helped me so much,

I brought each of you a little something

from my gift closet.

- ALL: Oh!
- Oh, sweetie,

- that's very nice of you.
- WENDY: Thank you.

But we don't help people for gifts.

We do it for fun and for free.

You're right.

- Bonnie.
- What?

The bracelet.

I was wearing this when I came in.

Do you know what would
make this outfit perfect?

That bracelet you
goody-goodies made me give back.

Don't you think it's
great that the four of us

are gonna go out and...

Oh, come on!

(groans) You come on.

No! You have to change.

Why do I have to change?

Because it's my boyfriend's birthday,

so I get to wear the slutty red dress.

Nope. Everything's taped up
and Spanx'd down. I'm done.

Fine.

- Unzip me.
- I will.

(grunts)

Are you as freaked out as I
am that Jill hasn't been able

to string more than a day
or two of sobriety together?

Yeah. It's scary.

I can't imagine what it would
be like to start from zero again.

Been there. It sucks.

I'm afraid that if I went
out, I would never come back.

Yeah, you would.

'Cause I'd drag you back
by the roots of your hair.

Thanks, Mom.

Okay. How do I look?

Not better than me, so, good.

Ah.

So who won at bowling?

Everyone who saw Patrick fall on his ass

trying to pick up a spare.

Oh, hey, I would have
played better, but...

- I didn't bring my ball.
- I didn't bring my ball.

Wait a minute... you have
your own bowling ball?

That's the kind of thing
you should have disclosed

on our first date.

It's purple and it's sparkly.

- Hey, that's the color of my
bowling team. - (phone rings)

Oh. It's... it's Jill, but don't worry,

it's just a bookend call.
I'll be-I'll be right back.

Uh, a bookend? That's when an alcoholic

calls someone in the
program in the morning

and then again at night to
let them know they're okay.

Ah, look at you learning the lingo.

Hey. Watch enough Star Trek,
you learn a little Klingon.

(sighs)

Bad news.

Wha... I-I thought
it was a-a bookend.

No. It was Jill's housekeeper.

Jill showed up at her place, drunk.

I-I've got... I got to go get her.

That's crazy... It's Patrick's birthday.

You stay, I'll go.

Thanks, Bonnie. I appreciate it.

You're right. My mom can handle it.

Words I've never said before.

I'm just gonna... eat this in the car.

I'll text you later.

Please.

Thank you for staying.

Of course. (chuckles)

Jill's gonna be all right.

(softly): Yeah.

She definitely is.

Uh, you know what, Christy?

Just go.

Thank you.

I'm sorry, I-I'm just
so worried about her.

Thank you.

Well... I guess this night's a bust.

Should we just get the check and go?

Hell, no. Now we can order
whiskey and not have to sip it.

Waiter!

(knocking) Thank you so much for coming.

- I didn't know who else to call.
- It's okay.

(slurring): Oh, my Lord,

her fingernails are so long.

Hey, Jill.

Oh, my God! Christy! Bonnie!

I didn't know you guys
were friends with Soledad!

Honey, what are you doing here?

Oh, just watching TV,
but I'm a little confused,

'cause it's all in...
(whispers): Mexican.

So, that lady with the
long nails right there...

Her husband is sleeping with
the girl with the pointy boobs,

but pointy is having a baby

with the guy in the eye patch.

- Did I get that right?
- Más o menos.

I love hanging out here.

She's never been to
my house in her life.

I don't even know how she found me.

'Course I know where you live.

I sent you those pears for Christmas.

Oh, yes, so much better than cash.

(speaking Spanish)

Aren't they cute?

Adorable.

We need to get you home.

But I don't want to go.

Jill, you have to get
up. You can't stay here.

Why not? This used to be my couch.

Oh. For all you know,

they had a romantic
evening planned for tonight.

It might even be his birthday,
and you're ruining it.

- Subtle.
- I don't care.

Well, you didn't have to come.

I want to be here for Jill.

Then don't complain about it.

I'm not! You kinda were!

Bye, Soledad!

See you later!

♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪

Make a wish, sweetie.

Remember when we couldn't do
this because people would stare?

Ugh, the dark ages.

- Hold on.
- Oh, I will.

- Will you stop?
- Don't be so touchy.

Oh, I have no problem with
people thinking I'm gay.

I just don't want them thinking

that I couldn't do any better than you.

Oh, man! I forgot about my steak.

Do you think it's still safe to eat?

(groans) Would it stop you if I said no?

Hey.

Hey. How was dinner?

Oh, good. We saved you some cake.

Hey! Cake and steak...
Let's eat it in bed.

If you think you're happy now,
I've got a potato in my pocket.

I know I've said I'm sorry,
like, a thousand times,

but I really, really am sorry.

Hey, it's my birthday for...

two more hours, so what do you say

- we go upstairs and, uh...
- Oh...

we can't.

Jill was afraid to be alone,

so we had to bring her back with us,

and she kind of passed out in my bed.

- Oh.
- But the sofa pulls out.

We can have super hot, quiet sex

that people might walk in on.

Yeah, th-that doesn't
sound super hot to me.

Oh, I-I promise,
tomorrow I am all yours.

Christy, please, stop...

making promises.

You're mad, aren't you?

Yeah, I-I'm mad. Uh, your mom said

that she could handle things
tonight, but you went anyway.

You said it was okay. Well, because
who wants to sit through dinner

with somebody who
doesn't want to be there?

Although my brother just
did, and he really enjoyed it.

I don't know how else to explain it,

- but that Jill really needed me.
- Yeah.

It's late, I'm-I'm tired,

so... let's just go to bed, okay?

It's-It's kind of tricky.

You have to push and then pull.

I-I got it.

(strained grunt)

PATRICK: Ow! My fingers!

(laughs): He's so miserable.

Mmm. You know that part of you

that takes pleasure in
other people's pain?

- Yeah.
- Mmm. Totally turns me on.

Oh, my God,
Adam, you're walking... It's a miracle!

No. Uh... not Adam.

I'm his brother, Patrick.

Oh, yeah. That makes more sense.

Coffee, please?

Little agave?

You must be Jill.

Thank you.

How'd you hurt your hand?

Oh. I, uh... lost a fight

with a pullout couch.

Oh, I took your bed, didn't I?

Kinda.

I wasn't always a mess like this.

I mean...

I was and then I wasn't...

and then I got fat and
then I got skinny...

and now I'm a mess again.

Go figure.

Sorry to hear that.

Thanks.

You know, in the past...

every time I relapsed,
I was able to get back,

but this time I'm just...

I'm just kind of lost.

Thank God I have Christy.

(chuckles softly) She took hold of me

the very first time I
walked into a meeting,

and she's been right there ever since.

I don't know what I'd do without her.

Yeah, she's, uh...

she's pretty special. (chuckles)

You know, for only having
eight working fingers,

you make great coffee.

Thanks. Just don't ask
me to sh**t a basketball.

Why would I ask you
to sh**t a basketball?

Oh, hey. You two met.

(chuckles) Yeah.

He's a good one.

Aw. Hey, uh, Christy,

you got a minute?

Uh, sure.

Before you say anything,

she's leaving, and you and I
are gonna have our day together.

Yeah, about that, um...

I'm gonna go home.

- You're still mad.
- No, I'm not mad.

I get it.

Your friend's in trouble
and she needs you.

But?

I just don't know where I fit in here.

I know this has not
been the ideal weekend,

but you got to understand,
helping people stay sober

is part of what helps me stay sober.

So it has to come first.

Well, I guess that means
I'll always be second.

I'm crazy about you.

But if I don't stay
sober, there is no second.

Well...

I don't know...

if this is gonna work for me.

Oh.

Where does that leave us?

I'm not sure.

You know, let's talk
in a few days, okay?

Okay.

I feel asleep on cake.

What's wrong?

Patrick just left.

- Already?
- Yeah.

Too much AA, not enough Christy.

(sighs): Oh.

Don't worry, honey,
he'll... he'll get over it.

I don't know.

(Jill clears throat)

I'm trying to piece together

what happened last night.

Did I go to Mexico?

Look at this.

Homemade apricot jam from Gloria.

Somebody just got
invited to the wedding.

We give away chips for
various lengths of sobriety.

Our chip person is Marjorie.

Hi. Marjorie. Alcoholic.

OTHERS: Hi, Marjorie.

Would anyone like a newcomer chip?

I'm not taking another
one... It's too embarrassing.

You have nothing to
be embarrassed about.

What if I take a newcomer
chip at every meeting

for the rest of my life?

MAN: I'm an alcoholic.

Then I'll be right here with you.

MARJORIE: Anyone else want

to take a newcomer chip?

What's your name, honey?

Oh, right.

Hi. I'm Jill, and I'm an alcoholic.

OTHERS: Hi, Jill.

Okay.

Would anyone like to
take a chip for days?