05x18 - Spaghetti Sauce and a Dumpster Fire

[bunniefuu]

Okay, what spaghetti sauce do you want?

Well, I don't remember the name.

It's the one with that
actor's face on it.

Paul Newman?

No. The one where the
proceeds go to charity.

Oh. Paul Newman.

No, it's the one who
does all those movies

with Robert Redford.

That's Paul Newman.

You're not listening to me.

- I think you mean Paul Newman.
- Adam says it's Paul Newman.

Sure. Let's try that.

Oh, don't forget popcorn.

I like the kind with
the guy with that bow-tie.

- Orville Redenbacher?
- No. It's a funny name.

Call me back when Adam tells you

it's Orville Redenbacher.

No! Don't serve her! I was next.

I mean, why the hell do you have numbers

if you're just gonna ignore them?!

I have .

I have !

- Ma'am, please, calm down.
- Don't tell me to calm down.

Just get me my thinly
sliced low-sodium ham

or I am coming over that counter.

Back off, .

"I have ! I have !"

Guys, you had to see it.

She was flipping out over ham.

Why didn't you record
it and put it on YouTube?

I think they even have an
"Old People Losing It" channel.

But it wasn't funny.

Put some circus music
behind it, it'll be funny.

"Old Man Sends Back Soup"
doesn't sound funny, either,

but hit it was a little...
(imitates circus music)

There goes your afternoon.

It's weird to see your
sponsor melting down like that.

I mean, she's the one
I call when I melt down.

You can always talk to me.

I'm usually melting down because of you.

Well, I think Marjorie is
perfect 'cause here she is.

Hey, Marjorie!

Hello, ladies.

Sorry I'm late.

- Nice track suit.
- Glad you're here.

We weren't talking about anything.

CHRISTY: So... anything new with you?

Actually, I was at the
grocery store earlier

and I did something terrible.

(sighs) I bought cookies
for the meeting.

(blows raspberries) I just
didn't have time today to bake.

I hope you don't think less of me.

You're right, Christy.
She's an unhinged lunatic.

(laughs)

Laugh all you want. You weren't there.

- No, this. Check out grandpa.
- (circus music playing)

A pigeon steals his sandwich.

(laughter)

What's everyone doing Saturday?

- We're free.
- Don't commit so fast.

That's how we ended up
playing Scattergories

with her weird nurse friends.

That was fun. I got
my blood pressure checked

and I learned the word, "penumbra."

I got a Groupon for us
all to get foot massages.

- My treat.
- lt's free? We're free.

What's a Groupon?

Oh, for God's sake, Jill.

Rhymes with "coupon," has "group" in it.

Use your brain.

- Sorry.
- Marjorie, is everything okay?

Yeah. Why?

Because you just cast quite a
penumbra over this gathering.

- You do seem a little cranky.
- Cranky?

What does that mean?

Cantankerous, irascible, truculent.

See, Jill? I know words, too.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Okay. I was at the grocery store today

and I... kind of

saw you kind of yelling at the deli guy.

Kind of.

I wasn't yelling.
I was setting a boundary.

Sure, sure, sure. Sure.

It just that your boundary
made the deli guy kind of cry.

Well, he skipped over me.

I was merely reminding him I was there.

Oh, the people at the Yarn Barn
next door knew you were there.

(singsongy): This is
getting uncomfortable.

(singsongy): I know. I love it.

I appreciate your concern, Christy,

but it's really no big deal.

Okay.

Well, that was a dry hump.

Oh, Christy, I went
back to that shoe store

and that cute sales guy
that gave you his number

said you didn't call.

Why didn't you call? You should call.

Patrick and I just broke up.

It's way too early to
start seeing someone.

Patrick doesn't think so.

What?

Adam said he's dating someone else.

Why would you tell me that?

Because I don't keep secrets from you.

You didn't tell me who
my dad was till I was .

That's when I learned my lesson.

I don't believe this.

Where did he meet her?
No. No, no. Don't tell me.

Where did he meet her?

- At a yoga class.
- I said don't tell me.

To be fair, you were
a little flippy-floppy.

I truly didn't think
it would bother you.

Of course not because you don't
have normal human emotions.

Hey, stop yelling at your mother.

Me? Yelling?

You at the deli, that was yelling.

I am not yelling.

(quietly): It's getting good again.

You totally did!

CHRISTY: I did not! You're insane.

Uh-oh. Peaceful time is over.

Put yourself in my shoes.

Hi, Adam. How would you like it?

Hey, we've been through this already.

Hey, honey. I was just
trying to be honest with you.

- Oh, please.
- This is the part where we try to figure out

- what they're fighting about.
- You were not trying to be honest.

You love stirring the pot.

I told you one, tiny thing.

"Tiny"? You call that tiny?

Why don't you just tell
me if they're having sex?

Well, I've got it. Have
you figured it out yet?

Do you really want to know

or is this just another
one of your traps?

I can't believe you
told her about Patrick.

I didn't tell her everything.

There's more?

No.

- I'm taking Gus for a walk.
- I already took him.

Hey, man, I'm not actually
taking him for a walk.

I just want to get out of here.

All right. Spit it out.

What's she not telling me?

Okay, here's the thing.

I'm not stupid.

Damn it.

Everyone's pissing me off today.

You, Patrick, my mom, Marjorie.

Hey, hey, don't say
anything bad about Marjorie.

That woman's a genius.

You barely know her.

I know that she makes
your mother apologize

every time we fight.

I don't know how she does it.

It's like watching David Copperfield.

How could Patrick ask me to
move in with him one minute

and then run off with
this yoga chick the next?

They're not running off.

It's one week of surfing in Costa Rica.

What?

Oh, that's the part she
didn't tell you about, huh?

He was gonna take me
surfing in Costa Rica.

I even pretended to want to.

You know who can make you
feel better about this?

Marjorie.

You should call her.

There you go.

I'm not calling Marjorie.

I am calling this
super cute shoe salesman

who is taller than Patrick,
so you should tell him

'cause I am really, really into...

does that say Jake or Jack?

Oh, my God, this feels so good.

I still don't know what
the heck a Groupon is,

but I am loving this.

Wendy, this is wonderful.

I made a wonderful thing happen. Yippee!

And just like that, you ruined it.

Foot massage and a
date all in one weekend.

That's right. I have a date.

Big date.

This weekend.

You have a date?

Why, yes, I do.

I thought you said it was too soon.

Hey, if Patrick can go to Costa Rica,

I can go out with a manager
of a Lady Foot Locker.

So you're using this fella?

How am I using him?

Well, you weren't interested in him

until you found out Patrick was dating.

I'm allowed to change my mind.

I think you're making a mistake.

Well, I don't.

I'd like more pressure on my heels

and more shut up from you two.

I know what I'm doing.

Okay.

Don't say, "okay," when
it's clearly not "okay."

Just say what you think.

What does it matter what I think?

You're just gonna do what
you want to do, anyway.

Excuse me?

I'm so tired

of having you ask my opinion.

I give it. You ignore
it. You make a mess.

Then you ask my opinion about the mess,

I give it, you ignore it
and you make another mess.

What's the point?

I always do what you say.

But lately, you don't do what you say.

Careful. Slippery feet.

- Where are you going?
- I'm leaving.

JILL: Marjorie. Don't go.

Marjorie, wait.

Careful. Slippery feet.

- Slow down!
- Leave me alone.

I could watch this all day.

- Should I follow them?
- Please do.

It's the only thing that
would make this better.

Aah!

I can't believe you just
stormed out of there.

I have a two-hour break
while Victor has a caregiver

and this isn't how I
want to spend my time.

- And you think this is what I want?
- I have no idea what you want.

I want to call you and tell you
I got into a fight with somebody

but I can't because
you're that somebody.

I'm not gonna talk to you right now.

You're my sponsor.
You have to talk to me.

I don't have to do anything.

I don't know what's going on with you,

but... this isn't working for me.

If we can't talk, you
can't be my sponsor.

Then I can't be your sponsor.

- Fine.
- Fine.

... and apparently, she's
a -year-old fitness model

who's got huge...

Oh, hi, honey.

First you and Patrick break
up, then you and Marjorie.

Are you starting to
think maybe it's you?

Could you just help
me pick a new sponsor?

Absolutely. This room is chock-full

of strong, sober women, and Wendy.

What about Catherine?

Are you crazy?

You don't want a knitter.

You call her with your
problems, all you're gonna hear

is "clickety, click, click, click."

And then, she's gonna make you
one of those butterfly sweaters,

and you'll have to wear it.

Look at poor Denise.

- Hi, Jill.
- Hi.

- Christy.
- Marjorie.

Chilly.

And not the delicious
kind that comes in a bowl.

See? That's why I need a new sponsor.

To talk about things like that.

And I know exactly what I'm looking for.

Somebody who's sweet and gentle,
like a drunk Mother Goose.

Bonnie, I saw what you did.

You knock over a cup of coffee,
you clean up a cup of coffee.

You don't understand,
I didn't spill that...

- Don't care. Mop's in the closet.
- Okay, fine.

Screw Mother Goose. I want her.

Thanks for having coffee with me.

I've always liked your shares.

I bet you help a lot of people.

Probably, too many.

So why would you have time for me?

I'm sorry I bothered you, I should go.

Wow, you're gonna be a lot of work.

Does that mean you'll sponsor me?

Before I answer, I have one question.

Are they gonna do that
every time we meet?

- Now that's what chicken salad is.
- Can you believe how much ice

- they gave me?
- My sweater's brown.

I'll talk to them.

Okay, good. Now, I'm gonna
need you to go to at least

five meetings a week.

- Wow. Okay, five it is.
- And you need to call me every day.

Sounds good.

Can I call you constantly?

Sure, but not after : ,
because that's my family time.

Mine, too. That's when
I'm gonna need you most.

You call me after :
and it's not an emergency,

you're coming over to watch
Puppy Dog Pals with my kids.

Got it.

Wow.

- You've got a lot of rules.
- Oh, we're just getting started.

I'm here to sponsor
you, not be your friend.

You seem to have plenty of those.

So I have a sponsor?

Yes.

Thank you.

Do you want to split a
cheesecake to celebrate?

I don't split things,
I don't think cheese

should be in cake and I
don't like to celebrate.

I'm kidding, except
about the cheesecake.

That's a weird texture.

So, how long have you been in AA?

years.

Whoa.

Did you get sober in kindergarten?

High school.

I d*ed of a heroin overdose.

For less than a minute, but
it certainly got my attention.

That happened to my mom twice.

Her fix was to steal a defibrillator.

So, uh, school, work, what else?

Are you in a relationship?

No.

I-I have a date tonight,

- but I'm thinking about canceling it.
- Why?

Because I only said
yes after I found out

my previous boyfriend is dating.

Do you think I'm using the new guy?

How about you just go out
with him and see what happens?

Really?

My philosophy is, "Just show up."

Mine is, "Worry about stuff

till my hair comes out in the shower."

How's that working out for you?

I'm not wearing my hair in
a ponytail 'cause I love it.

(laughs)

Hey. On the count of three,

let's laugh real hard so
they think we're having

a better time than they are.

One, two, three.

(laughs)

Y'all made me look like an idiot.

(knocking on door)

You weren't at the meeting,
you weren't at the bistro,

you didn't answer your phone.

I just wanted to make sure your cats

weren't feasting on your carcass.

Good to see you, too.

I thought about bringing
you something to eat,

but... I'm already way
out of my comfort zone

just checking on you.

Oh.

Victor and I already ate, but thanks.

You want some tea?

As long as I don't have
to lick it out of a saucer.

So, how was the meeting?

Meh. You weren't there.

I missed you.

What's happening to me?

- How's Christy doing?
- Fine, she's getting ready for a date.

Something her new sponsor encouraged.

Oh.

So she found someone already?

Does that upset you?

You gonna go all
"Marjorie wants ham" on me?

I'm happy for her.

Just a little surprised
it happened so quickly.

Eh, it's not that complicated.

Most meetings you can't swing a dead cat

without hitting a wise old drunk.

No offense, fellas.

You know, if it were that easy,
I'd have found someone by now.

You still haven't found a new sponsor?

Uh, Bonnie, I had the
same person for years,

and then she drank, so sh**t me

if it's taken a couple of months
to find someone to open up to.

That happened over a year ago.

You haven't had a sponsor since then?

I've been sober a long time.

It's different for me.

Someone once said the
most dangerous words

for an alcoholic were "I'm different."

Oh, wait, it was you.

Don't try to use my stuff against me.

But you have a lot going on.

Your husband had a stroke.

You're taking care of him,
and sponsoring half of Napa.

You need someone.

You know what? I'm handling
things just fine on my own.

Really? 'Cause there's a deli
guy and a perky wannabe lawyer

that would disagree with that.

I am worried about you.

Seriously, what is happening to me?

- He was very sweet.
- Hmm.

He took me out to dinner,
asked me all kinds of questions

about myself and
listened to the answers.

(sighs)

I was bored out of my mind.

So when are you seeing him again?

- I'm not.
- Yes, you are.

- No. There were no sparks.
- That's a good thing.

What an alcoholic sees as sparks

is usually the beginning
of a dumpster fire.

What we find boring can
just be healthy, and normal.

I used to only be attracted
to men that were married,

broken and mean.

Mmm.

That sounds hot.

(laughs softly)

But then, my sponsor made
me go on a second date

with a nice guy I had no interest in.

Long story short, we've been
happily married for years.

If I had only done what I wanted to do,

I'd still be supporting
drummers who borrow my car

and never come back.

Do you still have their phone numbers?

(both laugh softly)

They're doing it again.

(laughs)

Damn it, you guys.

So who would like to share?

(sighs) Hi.

Marjorie, alcoholic.

ALL: Hi, Marjorie.

I haven't wanted to share lately

because I've been struggling,

and when you've been sober a long time,

that can be hard to admit.

But here's the thing:

getting older sucks.

You know? People treat me differently.

They don't engage me in conversation,

they assume there's nothing
interesting about me.

And I just want to scream at them,

"I robbed a bank, I took a bath
with Jimi Hendrix, I've lived!"

But all they see is
a... is an old woman.

If they see me at all.

The other day, in the grocery store,

the fella behind the deli counter

looked right through me and
went on to the next person,

and I completely... lost it.

It would have been a good
time to call my sponsor,

but... I don't have one.

Yeah.

I know.

Hard to believe, but
even an old-timer like me

can forget that you can't
do this program by yourself.

And I'm grateful that I
have good friends... in here

who reminded me.

Thank you.

Look at that.

I fixed Marjorie.

- Hey.
- Hey.

My mom went to park.

Jill and Wendy are parking, too.

- I think we're being set up.
- I think you're right.

Christy, I'm sorry.

I've been a gigantic pain in the ass.

I live with Bonnie Plunkett.

My ass has seen worse.

I loved your share.

(sighs) I haven't shared
like that in a long time.

It's good to see that even
you struggle sometimes.

You'll be happy to know
I have a new sponsor.

I asked Catherine.

- The knitter?
- Mm-hmm.

She might make you a butterfly sweater.

Wouldn't that be wonderful?

So we're good?

Yeah. Yeah, we're good.

But I am gonna stick with Nora.

I hope that's okay.

Of course it is, sweetie.

You've come a long way since we met.

Maybe you just need something
a little different now.

I never could've gotten
sober without you.

Thank you for everything.

No matter how old my mom gets,
she's never gonna be invisible.

(laughs)