05x21 - Phone Confetti and a Wee Dingle

[bunniefuu]

So, I have what I've been
told is a moral dilemma.

Whatever your gut is
telling you, do the opposite.

That's what I thought
at first, so I switched,

but that made me think
I should switch again.

So now where am I?

I'm going back to my phone.

Give me a nudge when she gets to it.

Patrick's getting married.

And the phone is down.

I feel like he and
Christy just broke up.

They did.

Men are pigs.

Unless he reconnected
with a long-lost love.

In that case, aw.

It's the fitness model.

He hid the ring in her "a-sigh" bowl.

It thought it was "a-kye."

You're both wrong.
It's "ah-sigh-ee."

Who cares how you say it?

It's just sherbert.

Actually, it's "sher-bit."

Okay, good-bye.

Stop.

How's Christy taking it?

She doesn't know.

Welcome to the aforementioned dilemma.

Why haven't you told her?

Because Adam's taking me
away for a romantic weekend

at a spa resort in Reno.

- Ooh...
- Oh... - Oh...

In theory, "Oh... "

But how can I enjoy
making sweet love to Adam

in our room with partial mountain view

when I keep getting FaceTimed
by a puffy-eyed Christy?

Partial view?

I thought he loved you.

Go back to your phone.

Bonnie, part of being a mother

is putting your child before you.

That child is years old,

and this child has never
had a hot stone massage.

Oh, Marjorie, it's just two days.

Let her have some fun.

She's looking at a
lifetime of partial views.

Exactly. I can just as easily

crush my daughter's world on Monday.

And maybe bring her a Reno
snow globe to soften the blow.

She hates those things.

Not everyone does.

(whispers): Dilemma
over. I think she knows.

We can't be sure. It
might be something I did.

Oh, please be something I did.

What's the matter, honey?

Patrick's getting married.

(sniffles) He posted on Instagram.

He gave her a ring in
an "ah-cha-chi" bowl.

- Actually...
- Let her have this.

(blows)

You want a hit?

No. No, thanks. I already had
a log of cookie dough for lunch.

I just don't understand

how Patrick can get over me so fast.

I'm a catch.

It's not you... my brother
just can't live alone.

So what, he'll just marry anyone?

What do the towels in his bathroom say?

"His and Whoever"?

Babe, you're just taking shorts
and T-shirts to Reno, right?

- Yeah. It's gonna be hot.
- Oh. It's gonna be hot.

Oh. Right.

(whispers): It's gonna be so hot.

I can still hear you.

Honey, are you gonna
be okay this weekend?

Why don't you make plans with the girls?

Jill's busy, Wendy's working,

and... Marjorie and Victor
are spending the weekend

rediscovering their love.

- Oosh.
- Ugh. (shudders)

(sighs) I need some chocolate syrup.

This isn't sweet enough.

I'm worried about her.

Me, too. You think we
should postpone this trip?

No way. I can still worry about
her while I'm on top of you

looking at some mountain
and some parking lot.

You know, honey, we could
go away together anytime.

I would not take it personally

if you went with her instead of me.

(clicks tongue) You're so sweet.

So what's the sporting event

you don't want to miss this weekend?

I'll admit, when I booked this trip,

that I did not know Edmonton and Calgary

would make it to a game seven.

And let me guess... Those two teams

don't like each other very much.

Oh, it's gonna get a little chippy.

But I really do think
that you should take her

and get her mind off Patrick.

Trust me, she's gonna be okay.

She's stronger than she looks,

thanks to a lifetime of disappointment.

We didn't have any chocolate syrup,

so I just rolled it in
sugar and Froot Loops.

I might have invented something great.

♪ ♪

You are so lucky to have Adam.

What a sweet guy to
give up his trip for me.

He shouldn't get the credit for this.

This was my idea.

He pushed back pretty
hard, but I said, "No,

my Christy needs this."

I half believed you until
you said "my Christy."

Yeah, I got greedy.

You know, it'd be a lot easier
for you to forget Patrick

if you got off his Instagram page.

I'm not looking at him.

I'm looking at the
giant ring he gave her.

How many karats do you think that is?

Am I focusing on the massive one

in the middle or the
little ones worshipping it?

Not helpful.

All it tells me is
someone's overcompensating.

Actually, no.

He was pretty good
in that department.

Really?

He looks like a guy
who'd have a wee dingle.

A wee dingle?

Yeah. Like a strawberry
peeking up out of the leaves.

You can tell by looking at a guy?

Measure the distance between
their eyes, multiply by three.

This is what it would look like on me.

Yeah, but if you took the ring,

you'd have to take the
guy that came with it,

and you didn't want him.

(sighs) You know what? You're right.

I'm always right.

Name one other time
you were right, ever.

Titanic.

What, that you didn't go on it?

The movie.

Everyone said it was no good,

and I said, "Give this
little boat picture a try."

What are you talking about?

It's the most popular movie of all time.

Thanks to me.

♪ Somewhere out there ♪

♪ Beneath the pale moonlight ♪

♪ Why ♪

♪ Do, dah-dah, Dee... ♪

What are you doing?

I'm singing the Titanic song.

That's Fievel, the mouse
from An American Tail.

We'll rent it tonight. You'll see.

Ooh! Ice cream.

What? We're almost there.

DQ! DQ! Exit, exit, exit!

No! You can get ice cream at the hotel.

We came here to make me feel better,

and a chocolate Blizzard
would make me feel better.

(chanting): DQ! DQ!

DQ! DQ! DQ!

- DQ! DQ!
- This may be why I disappeared so much

- when you were a kid.
- DQ! DQ!

DQ! DQ! DQ! DQ!

♪ Even though I know how
very far apart we are ♪

♪ It makes me happy to think ♪

♪ We might be wishing
on the same star... ♪

What is happening here?

Love theme from Titanic.

What can I do you for, Officer?

Any reason you don't
have plates on this car?

We don't? (chuckles)

Well, uh, daughter's car.

She's inside getting ice cream.

You're gonna have to
take it up with her.

You're the only one here,
so I'm taking it up with you.

Okay. (inhales sharply)

If I had to hazard a guess... New car,

plates are probably in a pile
of unopened bills on her desk,

and if you bug her about it,

you're gonna get a bit of an earful.

Hmm. License and registration.

Man, must be a slow
crime day in... nowhere.

This make you feel like a big man?

- (handcuffs click)
- Ow! Pinchy! Pinchy!

I was gone for five minutes!

What did you do?

I ran out on some parking
tickets years ago,

which wasn't a problem
until we came to Nevada,

and you didn't put
your license plates on!

I told you I'll get to it.

Oh. Okay then. No hurry.

All right, let's go.

Wait, wait, wait. Give me a lick
of that before they lock me up.

Ooh. Brain freeze! Brain freeze!

Can you actually type
with those sausages?

I do all right.

Well, pick up the pace.

We've got hot stone massages at : .

I told you, this one's
got a mouth on her.

Check out the space between his eyes.

Hey, hey, no talking in code.

Listen, Officer, this is all my fault.

I'm the one who forgot to
put the plates on my car.

Hey, Sarg, you want me
to write her up for that?

I could write her up for that.

Look, Terry,

why don't you head over
to the middle school,

and see if they finished
repainting that crosswalk?

On it. Call me if things go
sideways with String Bean.

That's you.

We have codes, too.

All right, Ms. Plunkett, follow me.

Oh. Oh, come on.

Is this really necessary?
Can't we just pay?

Oh, sure, if you have $ , .

Get in there.

If you don't want me in
here for m*rder, call Adam,

have him transfer the
money to your account,

and then go to an ATM and get it.

Is there a bank nearby?

No, but there's a hotel
miles south of here

with a high-limit ATM.

Okay, I'll be back as soon as I can.

Hey, real quick.

Isn't that a lot of ring
for someone you just met?

- Go!
- Right, right.

- Hotel, miles north.
- South! South! Got it.

So which g*ng do I have
to join to survive in here?

(laughing): Wait. She's
actually in a little jail cell

like Otis the drunk?

I don't know who that is.

You know, Mayberry? Andy Griffith, Opie.

- CHRISTY: Adam.
- It's so funny.

Otis would get drunk and
then lock himself in the cell.

Boy, self, cell, that's hard to say.

Do you get high the minute
my mom goes out of town?

Eh, pretty much.

Can you transfer the bail money or not?

On one condition: you get a video of her

raking a tin cup across
the bars. (laughs)

I don't get that either.

Stop being old and
just send me the money.

Yeah, yeah. How much was it again?

$ , .

I can handle the rest.

Well, how much is the rest?

$ .

I'll send it right now.

Thanks. Bye.

(crowd cheering on TV)

(chuckles)

Mmm.

(chuckles)

Oh, yeah.

Uh...

Can I ask you a question?

I don't know. I'm pretty busy in here.

How did you rack up parking
tickets over one weekend?

What the hell was
going on December, ?

Y K was going on.

A lot of dummies thought
the world was gonna end.

Not just dummies.

Continue.

I had this boyfriend, Dale... Dwayne...

that doesn't matter.

Anyway we realized, people freaking out,

good time to sell a lot of dr*gs.

So we hopped in our car
with our hearts full of hope

and a trash bag full
of Mexican Quaaludes.

You do know you have the
right to remain silent?

Yeah, that's never been my thing.

Anyway, we promptly got really high

and forgot where we parked the car.

Donny.

- No.
- (ringtone plays)

Hey, honey.

(sighs) What'd she do now?

Oh, God.

No. I-I can't pick her up.
I have someone in the cell.

Well, then, just let her sit there.

That'll teach her... something?

(sighs)

Yeah, a-all right. All right.
I-I got to go.

What'd she do?

Huh? What?

I know what a "my daughter screwed up"

phone call sounds like.

- You got one, too?
- You just met her.

Oh, she seemed okay.

Yeah, sure, now, after I cleaned her up.

I pretty much saved her life.

dr*gs, alcohol, stripping, gambling...

Name a problem, she's had it.

Gambling?

We lost our house 'cause
the Packers didn't cover.

- Huh.
- What?

Well, I just sent her

to an ATM machine in
the middle of a casino.

Huh.

♪ ♪

(cheering)

Mom's in jail. Mom's in jail.

Mom's in jail.

Oh God.

Oh, come on. It's not
the end of the world.

I took a swing at my teacher

when I was your daughter's age.

And look at you now.

I just don't get it.

For years, Sarah was my little girl.

She told me everything.

And one day, she walks into her bedroom,

she closes the door,

and I haven't seen her since.

I got news for you, it's
only gonna get harder.

But don't give up on her.

Sure, you're gonna want to
pack your bags and take off,

leave her to fend for herself,
and who could blame you?

Who does that to a child?

No one.

You kinda sounded like
you were ready to split.

- I just said it was hard.
- All right, all right.

I was just working with
what you were giving me.

Another soda?

I'm good.

So what's to stop me from just

making a run for it right now?

Nothing, really.

But it's degrees out there

and we're in the middle of nowhere.

Right. Right.

(cheering)

Yo-leven! (cheering)

Don't you leave, sugar,
you're my good luck.

Let her ride!

(cheering)

(gasping)

It's...

hot out there.

You see any snakes?

Six.

Yeah.

Come on, baby, work with me.

Anything but seven. Anything but seven.

Seven out.

No! That's my mom's bail money!

I can give you a coupon to the buffet.

Can I bet it?

You are paying me a
hundred dollars an hour;

at some point, we should
probably work on your serve.

Oh, please, we both know

I'm a better tennis player than you.

(ringtone plays)

(sighs)

Oh, my God, what?

I'm in the middle of a tennis lesson.

I am so sorry, but it's an emergency.

My mom just got arrested

and I need to borrow two grand for bail.

- Arrested?
- CHRISTY: Yeah.

It happened five minutes ago.

You're the first person
I thought of to call.

Aw. Aw.

Text me something about your account.

I got to go. Bye.

This is her last year.

She's adorable.

This is her now.

Wow, that's a lot of eyeliner.

Yeah, and you really notice it

since she shaved her head.

Uh, Christy was a pretty
difficult teenager, too,

though... some of that was
hormones from the pregnancy.

- Oh, God.
- Just keep trying.

She's gonna keep pushing you away,

but one day that bedroom
door will open again

and she'll be glad
you're standing there.

- I hope you're right.
- I'm always right.

Never in a million years
would I have thought

I'd have such a wonderful,
loving relationship

- with my daughter.
- CHRISTY: Mom.

Where the hell have you been?

I thought you left me here to rot!

Darling.

I'm sorry.

We'll talk about it in
the car. Pay the man.

I can't.

Oh, God, Christy, you
gambled Adam's money.

- I did.
- (sighs)

So then I called Jill.

And you gambled Jill's money, too?

It all happened so fast.

I'm not sure I understand pai gow.

So what, I'm gonna do hard
time for parking tickets?

Yes... 'cause your daughter's a loser.

That's why Patrick
didn't want to be with me,

that's why I didn't get into law school,

that's why I hit on a soft .

- Oof.
- I know, right?

Okay. Well, what time's dinner?

You know, Bonnie,

these computers can be a bit glitchy.

Damn it, Gene, I've
got enough on my plate

without worrying about your problems.

I'm saying,

maybe your arrest record

somehow disappeared.

How about...

you take care of your daughter,

I'll go take care of mine?

- Really?
- Really.

Christy, go outside and
pull the car right up

to the front door and
blast the air conditioning.

That I can do.

Watch out for snakes.

Thank you.

And hang in there with your daughter.

Don't be discouraged by this.

Roger that.

- Bonnie?
- Yeah.

Never come back to Nevada.

I'll add it to the list.

Hey, you missed the exit for the spa.

- We can't go to the spa.
- Why not?

Because I don't deserve it.

Stupid pai gow.

I do. I'm covered in jail stink,

and I'm getting a salt scrub.

I don't know what it is, I may hate it,

but I'm getting it.

Followed by a selection
of artisanal cheeses

I saw on the website.

That does sound nice.

Oh, no cheese for you.
You're staying in the room.

You can look out the window,
but only at the parking lot,

not at the mountain.

That seems fair.

Okay, I'll double back.

(siren chirps)

Son of a bitch.

You didn't do anything
illegal in Nevada, did you?

I guess we're gonna find out.