05x22 - Diamond Earrings and a Pumpkin Head

[bunniefuu]

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Keep coming back. ♪

(applause, whooping)

Five years sober. Congratulations.

I sponsored her four
years, eleven months,

but the new sponsor gets
to hold the cake. Okay.

I gave birth to her.
Look where I'm sitting.

Christy, alcoholic.

OTHERS: Hi, Christy.

First, I want to thank Nora,

my new sponsor, for giving me my cake

and just being the best.

And the Kn*fe gets a twist.

This year has been fantastic.

I was in an... an amazing,
healthy relationship

with a man who is now
marrying someone else.

I think this weekend.

I didn't get into law school.

Oh, and we got robbed. At Christmas.

How's that for a lump of coal?

Does she know what "fantastic" means?

Five years ago, any one of those things

would have destroyed me.

But now,

a few hours of uncontrollable sobbing,

and I'm good to go.

For example, uh, this past week,

I gambled away $ ,
of my friend's money,

and stranded my mom in a jail cell.

Ooh. I got a shout-out.

But, hey, I am cleaning up my
mess, 'cause that's what we do.

And to the newcomers, please
don't let all of that scare you.

Believe it or not,

I am the best version of
me that I've ever been.

I mean,

I haven't slept with
anyone in this room, so...

that must count for something.

Oh.

I didn't see you there, Tim. Sorry.

Now, I want you to do that writing

about what you did in Reno.

Well, I started to write about it,

and then I started doodling,

and, uh, then I drew
a pretty funny picture

of my mom in jail.

- Does that count?
- Christy.

But if I write it all down, then
I'm gonna have to look at it.

That's the point. If
you don't look at it,

you'll end up doing it again.

Okay, got it. Got it, got it, got it.

But...

five years sober.

(chuckles) Amazing.

Whoo!

I feel like I'm celebrating alone.

I'll celebrate when you do your writing.

Okay.

So, what's new with you?

Uh-uh. You know I
don't do the chitchat.

But you know all the
gory details of my life.

I don't even know what
your favorite color is.

Think... about it.

And I will see you on Tuesday.

Yep. See you then.

(whispers): Nora's on the
move, Christy flying in.

(clears throat)

Nora's not gonna join us?

No. She doesn't do the whole

"friends with her sponsees" thing.

Oh. She's one of those.

Well, some of us are able to do both.

I have a girl crush on Bitter Marjorie.

Bitter Marjorie would eat you alive.

Stop it or I'll come over there.

(laughs)

Oh, oh, Jill, I've got some
more of the money that I owe you.

- Payment number three.
- Thank you, Christy.

Only to go.

I mean, only to go!

I'm taking extra shifts,

so, your next payment will
have a little bonus in it.

(laughs) It's not really
a bonus if it's my money.

That's great! I can't wait!

Five years.

I remember you walking
into your first meeting.

'Cause I was there.

Oh, my God. I forgot to
thank you when I took my cake.

Really? I didn't notice.

Well, thank you all.

I could never have gotten
this far without you guys.

And I definitely wouldn't be graduating.

You hear that, Marjorie?
We got lumped into a group thank-you.

CHRISTY: Oh. Which reminds me,

I have your tickets for
the graduation ceremony.

Don't you worry, I will show
up this time fully clothed.

Honey, we're looking forward to it.

Really, what a moment for you.

Now? Can we do it now?

Well, I guess we have
to, don't we, poker face?

We all chipped in

and got you a little something
to wear to your graduation.

(chuckles softly)

Oh, my God, they're gorgeous.

(chuckling)

Are these real diamonds?

I choose not to take that personally.

Oh, honey, you worked so hard.

You deserve them.

I'm not gonna lie, I feel,
like, a million times better

about myself than I did two minutes ago.

(laughter)

You've got to be kidding.

I just wanted to see if
it'd make me feel smarter.

And?

Who could feel smart
in a hat this stupid?

Well, take it off.
You're stretching it out.

Hey, let's not go down the
road of who stretched out what,

'cause I'm gonna win, pumpkin head.

I never got to wear one of these.

It's never too late.
There's an -year-old lady

in my history class, and she aced it.

Course she did. She
lived through most of it.

The professor made that joke.
He got brought up on charges.

What?

It's just, when you were really young,

I looked into that sweet,
innocent face of yours,

and I thought, "My little girl's

gonna grow up to be something special."

And then I saw you twirling
in the yard, and I thought,

"Maybe she'll be a dancer."

And then you said, "I'm dizzy, Mom.

It feels so good."

And I thought, "Uh-oh."

Yeah, we both know
the rest of that story.

Yeah. But look at you now.

I'm so proud of you.

Thanks, Mom.

Are you proud of me?

Yes.

Why? Why are you proud
of me? Tell me a reason.

Okay. Well...

you pulled your life out of the gutter,

you're sober, you're getting married,

and not because you're pregnant

or sneaking somebody into the country.

But none of those things
get me a funny hat.

Yes, it does. A wedding
veil is a funny hat.

You're right.

Oh. (gasps) You know what I could do?

I could put on a fake
mustache underneath,

so when Adam lifts it to
kiss me at the ceremony,

he's like, "Oh! I'm
marrying a third base coach!"

Bam! Viral wedding video.

Okay, great. This'll hold me.

Mom. The gown.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God! I missed you so much.

- (turns off TV)
- Who's my little man?

Who's my little man?

Did you miss me? I missed you.

(kissing noisily)

Hey.

I'm starting to wonder
if you like Gus better.

Oh, please don't
wonder. I definitely do.

Before I forget, here's
Christy's payment for this week.

Hey, do we got to keep on doing this?

I mean, Christy's practically family,

and this is what you do with family.

You know, you lend them
money, they never pay you back,

then you quietly resent them

when they buy something expensive.

But this is a different situation.

It's important for her
sobriety that she's accountable.

Okay, okay. You're the boss.

But is it always gonna be like this?

Me the boss? Absolutely.

No. This never-ending
chaos around here.

What chaos? Bail money, drunk friends...

me not being allowed to
go to my brother's wedding.

- You had a choice.
- Did I?

Hey, listen, all I'm saying is,

are we ever gonna get to a
point where we have a few days

where there's... just
not a crisis, you know?

- That we're just bored.
- Shh. Just be pretty.

Ooh. Check out the pimp roll.

Yeah. I told my customers the
story of the lowly waitress

who defied the odds to
graduate from college.

They lapped it up like sweet cream.

Yes, people are dumb.

Say, have you ever thought
about investing that money

in a sure thing?

Rudy, I'm not selling
fake Japanese knives

out of the trunk of my car again.

I was talking about the poker
game that's about to start.

Oh, my God. No.

I need this to pay back
money I lost gambling.

Yes, but if you win, you
could pay it back faster.

No. No, I can't.

Is that a no or a "no"?

It's a hard no.

I've learned my lesson.
What's the buy-in?

King-high flush.

Well, finally you have a good hand.

Unfortunately, mine
is better. Full house.

No!

Must you do that after every hand?

Ah. Paul reminds me that we
have our : a.m. Pilates class.

No, no, no, no. No one is leaving.

I need to win my money back.

After all... I'm just a lowly waitress

who defied the odds to
graduate from college.

I crawled through a
tunnel to get into Arizona.

(crying)

- You're embarrassing yourself.
- Fine.

You told me I was gonna win.

You told me I was gonna win.

And what do you know? I'm up $ , .

Chef Rudy out.

So help me God, I will tell everyone

your housemaid gnocchi is from Costco.

What the hell, one more hand.

Everybody get some sparkling
cider so we can toast

the graduation girl when she gets here.

You throw a nice party, Jill.

Honey, should we have our wedding here?

As long as the baby beef Wellington

is part of the package.

Is this room booked next June nd?

If I'm the maid of honor,
we can talk about it.

Christy who?

I didn't expect to see you here.

I thought you didn't do the
"friends with sponsees" thing.

Well, it's a special occasion.
And I'm mad at my husband.

Christy's coming. Christy's coming.

Everybody line up tallest to smallest.

Why? It's not The Sound of Music.

- Hi.
- OTHERS: Hey!

Oh. Oh, my God, you guys. Thanks.

Ah, they didn't tackle me
before I left, so it's official.

(laughter)

BOTH: I'd like to propose a...

BOTH: I'd like to propose...

- No, you go.
- No, go ahead.

I'll go. I paid for everything.

To Christy.

From the cheap seats,
it was hard to tell

you were years older
than everybody else.

I think what we're all trying
to say is congratulations

on being our group's
first college graduate.

Well, I graduated from college.

- So did I.
- I'm a nurse.

- I have a master's.
- Yale School of Drama.

Fine, this day is no big
deal. Congratulations, honey.

Apple juice and lobster.

I feel like a rich five-year-old.

- Speech!
- Short speech.

None of this could've happened

without the support of my friends.

I love you all.

Yay.

Congratulations.

- Oh. Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

This wasn't necessary.

Well, every college
graduate needs a nice pen.

You really want me to
write stuff down, don't you?

It's beautiful. Thank you.

It's lovely and practical.

Show Nora what we got you.

Darn it. I knew I forgot something.

You forgot to wear the
only diamond earrings

you've ever had?

I was nervous.

I was afraid I was gonna lose them.

Wait, I'm confused.

You forgot them or you
were afraid of losing them?

Both?

Christy, what's going on?

I lost them.

I told you she wasn't
ready for diamonds.

Hang on.

Where was the last place you saw them?

In the middle of a poker table.

What?

Oh, no.

You bet them?

I'm sorry.

I don't know what's happening to me.

Nothing is happening to you.

- You did this to yourself.
- Mom, please, I...

No, you give me so much crap
for every single mistake I make.

- Honey, it's a party.
- I don't care.

You left me in jail,

you gambled away my fiancé's money,

you gambled away Jill's money,

and now you lost our
graduation present to you?

You have a problem and
you don't get to pout

and bat your... big, blue eyes
and adorable your way out of it.

- Bonnie...
- No, I'm angry and you

all should be, too!

Well, you people better eat,

'cause there is no more fun to be had!

You know, I really thought the drive

was gonna wash some
of the horror off me,

but I'm still incredibly uncomfortable.

Well, then you might
want to cover your ears

'cause round two is about to start.

Hang on. Let me get a beer for this.

Christy! Come on, let's do this.

How you handle this kind
of conflict on apple cider,

I-I'll never understand.

Ignoring me won't help you.

Why haven't I taught you
how to fetch beer yet?

She's not here. Her car is here.

Well, where the hell is she?

Where'd she go, boy? Where'd she go?

Did she fall down the old well?

You think this is funny?

No, no, I do not.

Give me a little reality check here.

- Was I that out of line?
- Of course not.

I mean, everything I
said had to be said.

- Right? Okay.
- Absolutely. Okay.

I mean, the only question might be:

was that the right time to say it?

But I think it was.

- What are you trying to say?
- Me? I'm not trying to say anything.

I think there may be others who felt

that this was kind of
Christy's special night, but...

Stay here in case she comes home.

I'm gonna go look for her.

(door opens, closes)

Gus. This is a beer.

Daddy likes beer.

Let's go teach you
how to open the fridge!

Come on!

She's been gone over an hour, Marjorie.

I'm starting to get a little nervous.

Okay.

Yeah, maybe my timing wasn't great,

but it needed to be said.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask for it.

Yes, I know I asked for it.

Just call me if she turns up.

Jackass.

Oh, thank God.

- Want a lift?
- Go away.

Come on. I hate it as much as you do,

but we got to talk about this.

Let me walk in peace.

Okay.

I got half a t*nk of
gas. I will wear you down.

News flash: cars can go backwards.

Christy,

the last time you ran away,

I let you go and I didn't
see you for two years.

Will you please get in the car?

I'm only doing this because I
chose to run away in high heels.

Look... it's been
brought to my attention

that my timing might
not have been so great.

Really? That had to be
brought to your attention?

I could've waited till after the party,

but I stand by what I said.

Okay, fine. I screwed up.

I hate to break it to you, sweetie,

but that was not just a screw-up.

You've got a serious gambling problem.

That's a little dramatic.

No, it's not. I'm scared for you.

I have seen this take people
out just like dr*gs and drinking.

This isn't anything like my drinking.

I don't do it every day.
It's not ruining my life.

Really? Who's wearing your
diamond earrings right now?

A busboy's
six-month-old daughter.

- It can't be like my drinking.
- Why not?

Because I can't have another addiction.

I can't be that broken.

Sure you can.

All right, Christy, think
you got some amends to make.

I know. It just doesn't
feel like the right time.

Oh. Well, in that case, do it now.

- Okay.
- Call me after.

You really didn't know what you were
getting into with me, did you?

Nope. But I like a challenge.

(gasps) You just hugged me.

Oh, good Lord. I'm hugging you.
I went to your party.

I'm just breaking all my doggone rules.

Before you know it,
we'll be at the movies.

Never.

Hey, guys.

I owe you an amends, and
that's an understatement.

Those earrings meant so much to me,

and I just threw them away.

It was wrong and I'm sorry.

Thank you, Christy.

I accept your amends.

I'm still pissed.

And if anything good
ever happens to you again,

all you're getting
from me is a high five.

And maybe a blouse I don't like anymore.

- What'd I miss?
- Christy just made an amends.

Damn it! That stupid Big Gulp.

Okay. Enough of this. I'm
starving. Let's go eat.

Actually, I'm not gonna
be able to make it tonight.

Are you sure?

Yeah, you guys go ahead. I'll close up.

All right. See you at home, then.

- See you soon.
- Good night.

MAN: Before we start, we
have a few things to go over.

The community center asked us
not to smoke on the property.

Excuse me. Is this the
Gamblers Anonymous meeting?

It is. You coming in?

Yeah. I guess I am.

MAN: You will be towed.

Please respect these requests

so we can continue to
have our meetings here.

Thanks.

MAN: ... and out of
respect for the speaker,

don't text during the meeting.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I brought this home for
you, but then I got hungry.

It's okay. I'm not.

How was your night?

Well, I went to my first
Gamblers Anonymous meeting.

You did? Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't want to say anything

unless I knew I was really doing it.

And it looks like I'm doing it.

I got my first day pin.
They don't do chips.

Ah, I bet they learned
that the hard way.

(sighs)

It was tough walking in there.

But on the plus side, I was the youngest

and the only woman who
wasn't wearing a tracksuit.

Those are the two ways I
tell you apart from Marjorie.

I really know how to
ruin my life, don't I?

You learned from the best.

But, hey, you're doing
something about it.

(both sigh)

I'm gonna go take a shower.

I smell like cigars
and ruined marriages.

Oh, uh, hey, before you go, what's this?

- What is it?
- I don't know.

You should open it.

Oh, my God, I got into law school!

You did?!

- You steamed it?
- Razor blade.

If you'd hold it the wrong way,
it would've fallen on the floor.

Is it okay if I jump up and down?

You better jump up and down!

I've been doing it for half an hour!

- Ah!
- Ah, Mom!

(both laughing)

Now all I need is
$ , to pay for it!

- One day at a time, honey!
- Ah!