01x06 - Louis in the Middle

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(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)

(expl*si*n)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Can I get some ravioli,
too, please?

-Thank you.
-(SIGHS)

Hey, Louis, how'd you get that B
In Miss Robek's class?

You really wanna know?

Yeah, man, that's kind
of why I'm asking you.

Well, you really
wanna know how?

("THE GODFATHER" THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

Oh, man, here it comes.

(IMITATING DON CORLEONE)
I made her an offer she couldn't refuse.

Dude, work on some
new material, okay?

New material? What are you...

What are you talk...
Have you ever been to Vegas?

'Cause in Vegas,
they pay big dollar-inis

for impressions
like that, my friend.

I got a new one.

(IMITATING MALLOY IN "ON THE WATERFRONT")
I could've been a contender.

That's new. See?

(IMITATING STANLEY FROM
"A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE") Stella!

Oh, my god. You just totally
Hit him in the face, man.

-I'm sorry, man. Really sorry.
-No problem.

Just as long
as it's not the nose.

-Anything but the nose.
-All right.

-Hey, Twitty.
-Hey, what's up, Blake?

Never let it be said That Blake Thompson
doesn't do his own stunts.

(LAUGHING)

This guy, huh?

-LOUIS: Yeah, he's pretty...
-Hey.

All right.

May I have your attention, please?
Your attention, people.

Excuse me, people.
May I have your attention, please?

-Knock. Knock. Hi.
-If we don't answer her

-maybe she'll go away. (LAUGHS)
-(REN SCOFFS)

I say enough is enough
with this food.

Now, I'm your policy monitor
and I am here

to serve you.

In that case, can you bring me
another piece of chocolate cake? Thanks!

(LAUGHTER)

You want me to invite him outside
for a little chat-arera?

No, no, no,
just ignore him.

Ahem. Now, I've been
talking to Principal Wexler,

and he's allowing us
to make some changes.

From here on out,
we're gonna choose our own menus.

That is...

if the requests are in line

financially and nutritionally
with district policy.

(SNORING LOUDLY)

(LAUGHTER)

(COUGHS DRAMATICALLY)

Oh, was I sleeping, Ren?

I'm so sorry.

(LAUGHING) I'm so sorry, Ren.
I really didn't mean it.

(COUGHING)

All right, I've just had enough of him.
Let's get out of here.

Yeah, let's go.

Not cool.

It was so cool.
On my last audition

I was hanging from a helicopter, right?
I mean, I do my own stunts.

I don't use any of that,
like, C.G.I. stuff.

Yeah, Blake did a Doc Dennier's
hot dog commercial

like, a couple of years ago.

Doc Dennier's?

Right. Doc Dennier's.
That's right.

Yep, man,
Blake's all about acting.

I love that commercial.
I remember the song.

Goes, um...

(SINGING) If it's not Doc Dennier's
You're just eating wieners

TWITTY:
Yeah, man, that's him.

-LOUIS: Remember that commercial?
-I don't eat wieners.

Okay.

Then I did this camera commercial
with Agassi.

And you know what,
I b*at him in a couple of games.

See, there's a guy
who's appreciated.

But the best commercial
I ever did was in Hawaii. Right?

And it was on the lip
of this volcano. It was just...

It was the coolest thing...
(COUGHS)

What's that there? Is that Shakespeare?

TWITTY: Probably.

You guys, I think he's choking.

No, he's not.

Oh, jeez!

He is choking.
Tawny, go to the safety poster.

You go boil some water.

Excuse me. Excuse me.
What are you doing?

-I think I'm getting it out.
-LOUIS: You're not getting it!

Go help her! Go help her!

-"Wrap arms around victim's waist."
-Right.

-"Thumb over naval."
-I got that.

"Grasp fist with other hand.

-"Upward thrusts!" Quick!
-I'm thrusting!

Please save him!
He's too talented to die!

I'm thrusting!

-Thrust!
-(GRUNTS)

Needs... salt.

(PANTING)
You saved my life.

You're Stevens, right?

Yeah, I'm st... Louis Stevens.

-You got some gravy right on your...
-Oh.

(APPLAUSE)

Blake! Blake!
Oh, Blake!

Last time I had this many people
pay attention to me

-I had a "kick me" sign on my back.
-Oh, yeah.

Remember the kick...
Remember the "kick me" sign?

It's not that funny.

What?

Do you remember
the "kick me" sign?

Louis, allow me.

-Ivan.
-Yeah?

Whoa.

Your days of being a regular guy
are over, Louis.

As of now, you are officially
one of my entourage.

LOUIS: Here's my shoe.

In fact,
you're my main man, Louis.

Wait a second.
I thought I was your main man.

Did you save my life?
This man is a genuine hero.

Hey Louis, I saw you doing a Godfather
impression earlier.

You saw that?

I just do that for my friends.
It's not like real acting or anything.

Show me.
I'd love to see it.

("THE GODFATHER" THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(IMITATING DON CORLEONE)
I made him an offer he couldn't refuse.

What you doing,
Mr. Twitty?

Hey. I'm just...
keeping an eye on Louis.

That's what I like about you.

Even though you walk through your life
without a care,

you're good to your friends.
Here. Take this.

Thanks.

You know, uh, Louis saved the guy's life.
It's pretty big news.

But I know that whenever Blake
and his show-biz pals are involved

there's gotta be trouble.

Twitty, don't worry.

No one knows the real Louis
better than I do.

Deep down he's classy, caring...

very, very intelligent.

I love you guys.

Hey, that was great, huh?
That was great, man.

That's so cool.

-I think I'll keep an eye on him, too.
-Yeah.

-Let's get out of here.
-LOUIS: Okay.

Clean this up.

(IMITATING AUSTIN POWERS)
Groovy, baby. Yeah.

What's up?

What are you doing?

Oh, this?

Just trying out some new
routines for my new crew.

Your new crew?
Listen to you

with your overnight popularity.

You're starting to sound like
Larry Beale. Translation: Eww!

What's wrong with you?

I think I lost my mojo.

(SNICKERS) No.
You never had a mojo. Trust me.

You're probably right.

What? You're not gonna yell at me?

Help. Dr. Evil's replaced my sister
with some cheap, ugly robot!

I work day and night

to help to improve the food
in our school cafeteria,

and Beale is just not making it
any easier.

Ren, it's not that important.

-(SIGHS)
-Just relax for five minutes.

A: You might have some fun.

And B: Beale would have nothing
to tease you about.

I'm sorry, but that's just not
the way I work.

Suit yourself...

baby. Ha!

Eww!

No, I'm not gonna..

No, that's not something
I'm gonna be doing.

Because, I mean, do you know who I am?
I mean, it's not gonna happen.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

The kind of thing I would do...
No. No, you're not listening to me.

What I'm saying is, it's just not
what happens with Blake Thompson.

-It's just not gonna...
-And then I said to the teacher...

If Blake doesn't feel
it'd be good for him

I don't think he should have to do it.
You know what I'm saying?

LOUIS: The teacher, I swear...

Yeah, yeah, I'm still...
I'm still here. Uh-huh.

I'm a very... important person.

This is not the kind of thing
I would do... No!

No, you're not listening to me.
What I'm saying is it's not gonna happen.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Blake, you gotta come see Louis, man.
It's hilarious.

Yeah? Since when Louis
became the center of the universe?

I just thought maybe you'd like some
of his jokes or something, that's all.

Dude, grow up.
The guy's a dork.

Yeah.

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)
I was kidding. Total dork.

I'll see you later.

Yeah. Yeah.
Okay. No. No.

Okay, fine, Mom, you win.
I'll clean my room. Geez.

I gotta go.

All right, I gotta go, guys.
It's getting late.

Um...

don't worry, there's more of me
where that came from.

Uh, tell Blake...
send my love to Blake.

All right. Thank you.

-Are you chopping hedges?
-No, I've been observing you.

-I'm so scared.
-I'm gonna make this short.

Louis, you may not know this,
but I'm fond of you.

And so is Twitty.
But we think...

We're worried you've become
a pod person.

So, so, now that I have new friends
I'm a pod person?

-Don't take this the wrong way.
-I can't help it.

Every day, it's been like,
"Louis, stop with the Brando."

"Louis, get a new act."

How am I supposed to feel?

-You're taking this the wrong way.
-No, I'm not.

You guys just don't want me
to have new friends.

And... maybe you guys
are the pod people.

This thing is full.

It is.

I hadn't checked it
in a couple days

but suddenly, the responses
appear to be incredible.

-(REN CHUCKLES)
-You go, Miss Policy Monitor.

(BOTH GIGGLE)

I can make a difference,
Beale or no Beale.

-CHARLOTTE: Yeah.
-All right.

Ahem. "Things would
certainly improve in the cafeteria

"if Ren Stevens would keep her
skinny butt out of here"?

Don't tell me.

-Larry Beale.
-Mm-hmm.

What a surprise.

"Can you please do something
about the tuna casserole?

"It smells like Ren Stevens’ breath.

"Signed, Lawrence Anthony Beale."

Argh!

"Best way to improve the cafeteria
is for Ren Stevens to eat outside."

-CHARLOTTE: Don't tell me.
-Beale.

Larry stuffed the box.

I'm so sorry, Ren.

It's okay. Maybe my brother's right.
It's just easier not to care.

Stevens!

(IMITATING AUSTIN POWERS)
Gagalicious, baby.

(SIGHS)

What's with the Stevens? Hmm?
My name's Louis.

Or you can call me Austin.
That's gagalicious, baby.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT)
It's old and tired, baby.

-That was good.
-Thanks for the compliment.

-Now, b*at it. I'm getting sick of you.
-You said you liked my Godfather.

How many times
do I have to watch you die?

I mean, you're like a mosquito
that keeps biting me.

I don't know if you forgot,
but I saved your life.

That's right. You saved my life.
So I tolerated you.

But now, your minutes
of fame are over.

Listen, you go back
and hang with "your friends,"

and I'll go hang with mine.

-Hey, Louis, how's it going, man?
-It's great. Going great.

Why wouldn't it be going great?

I don't know. I thought
there had been a little bad blood

-between you and Blake.
-No, there's no bad blood.

There's no blood.
Do I look like I'm bleeding?

Me and Blake are tight.

LOUIS: Yep, things are
definitely looking on the bright side.

(THUNDER CLAPS)

-So, uh, things are okay with you guys?
-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

In fact, he's probably waiting for me
right now, dude.

Where you going?

Blake's waiting for me
right around the corner.

We'll hang soon, okay?
Don't worry about it.

All right. Later.

You know,

I must say I've developed quite a taste
for this meatloaf.

Yeah, I guess it's okay.

Uh, I hope my comments were helpful
on the school cafeteria.

Um... what's up with your friend?

You got what you wanted,
Mr. Larry Beale.

She's officially resigned
from public service.

Are you happy?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Yeah, why not?

-(SCOFFS)
-Oh!

Oh!

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS)

(SIGHS)

Okay.

For those of you
keeping score at home

my new friends...
They don't like me.

My old friends...
They don't like me.

So I guess the score is,
friends, zero

Louis, really zero.

I don't know.
I guess maybe next time

I'll think twice
before I save a guy's life.

Okay.

MAN: (ON TV) Oh, Donna,
I've loved you ever since I returned

from Spanky's Retreat For Confused Men.

I missed you terribly.

Ren, you don't normally watch
The Old and The Beautiful.

-Is something wrong?
-Oh, well,

disillusionment,
shattered dreams, grief.

Mm. Usual teenage girl stuff?

(SIGHS) It's politics, Mom.

I know that you have
to have a thick skin.

-(DOORBELL RINGS)
-I'll be right back.

WOMAN: (ON TV)
I missed you, too, Todd.

I think I... I...
I'm falling in like with you.

Oh, Donna, don't you do that.

Ren, Larry's here.

REN: Beale?

Larry, I was gonna start dinner.

-Will you be staying?
-No, thank you, Senator.

-I'll only be a minute.
-Okay.

And might I add

-you're getting lovelier every day.
-Aw, thank you, Larry.

Oh, that Todd is a hound.
Last season,

-he dated every girl on the show.
-What are you doing here?

I was in the neighborhood
so I came by to say I'm sorry...

if I've been ragging on you
too hard.

That's okay,
'cause I've accepted the fact that...

everyone doesn't take me
seriously anymore.

So you're just gonna give up?

Look, ever since fifth grade

we've been competing against each other.
And I've been b*ating you.

Hah! In your dreams, Beale.

What I'm trying to say is,
you can't stop trying.

If there's no Ren Stevens,

there's no Larry Beale.

-Um... I'd better go now.
-Well, hey, um...

You sure you don't wanna stay
and watch Donna and Todd?

I have a feeling
she's gonna kick his butt.

Uh... No. (CHUCKLES)

I think I had enough soap operas
for one day.

Okay.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

BOY: Back up the car,
I'll wet it down.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Now's my chance.

-What the... What...
-LOUIS: Huh-oh!

-Stevens!
-I just saved your life.

The car was coming out
and was backing up right into you!

-It was gonna crush you!
-Look at me!

-I'll help you out.
-Just stop it!

I'm a genuine hero.
I'm a Dudley Do-Right.

I'm saving your life
over and over and over!

Just stay away from me forever!

Oh, jeez.

-Whoa!
-Really "whoa," man.

What's with all this
Dudley Do-Right stuff?

I've seen it before.

My mother had a patient
like this once.

A -year-old man
woke up one morning

and told his wife he only
wanted to be called "freak nasty."

Are you serious?

Louis' constant craving
for approval

combined with his youngest
child syndrome

has basically split his
personality in two.

So what are we gonna do?

We've gotta shock him
back into reality.

This calls for drastic measures.

How drastic are we talking here?

Because I kinda have
basketball practice at : .

You'll see.

TAWNY: Help. Help.
Damsel in distress.

Kind stranger, save me, please.

Whoa! What... Tawny?

What the heck
are you doing?

This isn't another one
of your protests, is it?

Are you gonna
save me or not?

-Save you from what?
-(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)

-(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
-LOUIS: Twitty?

You guys have completely
lost your minds.

(SCOFF) Okay,
I'm gonna walk you through this.

-LOUIS: Good.
-I'm tied to the tracks.

The train is coming.

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)

The hero... That would be you...

rides up on his bike and saves me
in the nick of time.

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)

Oh, no, it's the evil Twitty.

Save my life,
and I will forever be your friend.

-Hmm?
-Beats the Heimlich maneuver.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)
Oh, okay.

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)

Now isn't this the part
where you tell me I'm your hero

and you kiss me?

Don't push it.

(LAUGHS EVILLY)

-LOUIS: You guys are pathetic.
-We're pathetic?

Hey, you're the one who couldn't
admit he was dumped, all right?

Yeah. And in case you missed it,
we just rescued you.

All right, I guess I am pathetic.

I guess for a while there
I did act like a jerk.

Hey, it's the curse
of the popular, okay?

It happens to the best of us.

I can't believe you guys
went through all this

To get me back
in the groove.

-Dude, we're friends.
-Yeah, we are.

I'm never gonna forget this.

-Yeah, I'm tearing up here.
-(LAUGHS)

Oh, yeah.
And, by the way

you owe us bucks
for the train ride.

-Thirty bucks?!
-(LAUGHS)

What do you mean, bucks?
That's not funny. I have to...

Okay, guys, I just wanted
to take a couple of minutes

to once again remind
and encourage you

to put suggestions
in the suggestion box.

So feel free to say whatever you want
because it's strictly confidential.

So you can be open and honest.
Just fill out one of these.

Any, uh... comments?
Thoughts?

Yeah, I think that there ought to be
some kind of soy items on the menu.

Hey, Ivan, you heard the lady.
You have a suggestion

you fill it out
and put it in the box.

(CHUCKLES)

Continue, Miss Policy Monitor.

Yeah. Thanks, Larry.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

It's good things are back to normal
between us.

-Things are back to normal, right?
-Um...

wait a second.

Okay, now they're back to normal.

(LAUGHING)

(THEME SONG PLAYING)