01x09 - Scrub Day

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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)

(expl*si*n)

(SIGHS)

Do you guys think this Scrub Day
thing is for real?

I don't know, dude,

but it's, like, kind of starting
to freak me out.

What? It's nothing.

It's just the eighth graders
trying to scare us.

They're not really
going to do anything.

Why are you being
such babies?

(SCREAMS)

How do feel now,
tough guy?

Only two more days
until the most horrible humiliation

we could ever imagine.

Okay, let's say
it is for real.

I mean, what could
they possibly do to us?

Well, my cousin said
that when she went here

they TP'd every seventh grader
from head to toe.

That's flagrant, man.

In my other school,

five guys held my head in a toilet
and then flushed it.

-(LOUIS LAUGHS)
-You got a swirly?

That's vile.

Yes, but... oddly refreshing.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

Ren? Ren?
Can I talk to you, please?

In public?
Wait till we get home.

-No, it's important.
-Three paces behind me.

Okay.

Hey. (CHUCKLES)

How are you?

-How are you?
-(RECORD SCRATCHES)

He's not with me.

Who are you?

Ren,

so, about Scrub Day.
Is that for real?

(LAUGHS)
Oh, yeah, it's real all right.

I can still feel those eggs
they put down our gym shorts.

-But they did it to you?
-Mm-hmm.

-You're the queen of the school.
-When mob rule takes over,

-even royalty's not safe.
-Wait.

So, I mean, can't you
do something

to stop the insanity?

-It's crazy.
-When I went through it,

I thought the whole thing
was disgusting and juvenile.

Right, right.

But now that you're
going through it,

I just think it's a
wonderful school tradition.

Later, scrub. (CHUCKLES)

-(BREATHING SHARPLY) Hey. Pow!
-EILEEN: Hey.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Donnie, it's not
a speed bag.

Shouldn't you be upstairs
picking a subject

for your
Living History Pageant?

This is it. Hey, I'm going to be Rocky
for a day.

Huh? Hey watch. Watch.

(IMITATING ROCKY)
Yo, Adrian.

Honey, Rocky is not historical.

Not even Rocky I?
Huh, huh, huh?

-Wanna take this one, Steve?
-Yeah, I got it.

Um, Donnie,

Rocky's not a real person.

Why don't you pick a famous president
like Abraham Lincoln?

Oh, uh, the dude on the penny?

He did a lot more than that.
He freed the slaves,

he kept the nation together
after the Civil w*r.

Not to mention Lincoln Logs,

uh, Lincoln Continental,

and the Lincoln Dry Cleaners
down on Main.

Come on, guys.

I'm not stupid, you know?
Hey. (CLICKS TONGUE)

(CHUCKLING)

-Thank goodness for sports.
-Yeah.

(MOCK ROCKY THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(AS ROCKY) Hey, yo, Louis.
It's me, Rocky.

-You're going down.
-Stop it! It's not funny.

Who tied your tightie-whities
in a knot, man?

Well, it's that stupid
Scrub Day thing coming up.

Louis, you've gotta be kidding me.
Scrub Day is great.

-Really?
-Yeah. I remember...

(LAUGHING)
...we rounded up the seventh graders,

and we painted their faces
the school colors!

They were crying
like little babies.

-LOUIS: No.
-It was beautiful. Yes.

But I'm in seventh grade.

Oh, yeah.
Tough luck, kid.

How...?

-Hey, Mom.
-Hi, honey.

You know, I don't know.

Should I stay home
from school this week?

I think I'm coming
down with something.

Hmm? Let me feel
your head.

Uh-oh. Freezer burn.

-Yeah.
-Louis...

I know you are worried
about Scrub Day.

But your brother went through it,
and your sister went through it,

and if you don't show up
they're gonna get you

-worse the next day.
-Yeah?

Honey, don't worry about it.
It's just a bunch of harmless pranks.

-Hmm.
-Nobody really gets hurt.

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS)

LOUIS: Ow! Ow! Ow!

-Oh, dark! That hurts.
-Ow! Ow!

-BOY : Get it!
-BOY : Get the...

Come on, guys, you look like
a bunch of baby-sitters out there.

-Like a bunch of baby-sitters.
-LARRY: I want to see energy. Energy!

Why did they pick Larry Beale
for Scrub Master?

I mean, he's mean,
he's nasty, he's brutal,

and that's just to his mother.

Oh, don't worry. I'm sure
there's plenty of evil left over for us.

LARRY: Get the...
Get the leg!

(GRUNTING)

Don't worry. Don't worry.
I happen to have a close relationship

with Principal Wexler.

It's because I'm in his office
every day.

I know he wouldn't stand for this.

WEXLER (OVER PA):
Attention all students.

There's been a lot of talk
about Scrub Day tomorrow.

Let me make one thing
perfectly clear.

Any humiliating or degrading
of seventh graders

must be done during
lunch hours only.

And remember, keep it fun.

Oh, and this year,
no frozen hot dogs.

(SCOFFS)

Ah, Scrub Day is like
Christmas to me.

(GRUNTING)

BOY: There you go! Yes!

Okay, why do we have
to take this from them?

What do the eighth graders
have that we don't have?

Other than armpit hair,
they got nothing.

It's just that they're organized,
and we're not, right?

Right.
But I've got an idea.

-Really?
-No, no, I don't, I don't.

But I will by : , okay?

So, spread the word.
Seventh grade secret meeting

down in the storage room, okay?

Seventh grade meeting,
storage room, : .

See you there.

Seventh grade meeting, storage room,
: . Spread the word.

Seventh grade meeting...

would be quite an assemblage
of young students.

Happy Scrub Day,
Your Principalness.

Is it fair

that we can be tortured
because we're younger?

-ALL: No!
-No!

And is it fair Larry Beale
gets to decide how to t*rture us?

-ALL: No!
-No!

And is it fair that Pluto
has to sleep in the dog house

and wear a leash

while Goofy,
who is also a dog,

gets to drive around in a car
and play golf with Mickey?

-ALL: Huh?
-GIRL: What?

-What?
-LOUIS: Sorry.

It's just always bothered me.

Louis is right.

I mean, except
for the Pluto-Goofy thing.

Look, there are more of us
than there are of them.

That's why we need
to stick together, all right?

If we're going
to be the scrubs

we need to be the united scrubs.

The United Scrubs of America.

USA!

U-S-A!

ALL: U-S-A!

U-S-A! U-S-A...

LOUIS: Larry Beale
thinks he's so hot.

Well, it's time to show him
he's not.

If we all stick together tomorrow
no matter what,

Larry and his boys will back down
like the cowards they really are.

-KIDS: Yeah!
-LOUIS: Yeah!

KIDS: U-S-A!

I think they're talking
about us, man.

KIDS: U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
U-S-A! U-S-A!

Oh, don't worry.

I've got a message for our
united scrubs.

U-S-A! U-S-A!

U-S-A! U-S-A!

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Hi, Larry.

Your little thing,
it's finished.

LARRY: Finished.

Scrub Day's over.

Oh, really?
And, um, who decided that?

-Well, we all did.
-(LAUGHS)

Interesting because we
don't want all of you.

This year for Scrub Day

we're just going to go
after one scrub.

The king of scrubs. (LAUGHS)

You.

(LAUGHING)

Yeah. Not with my seventh grade
posse backing me up.

Guys?

Scrubs?

U-S-A?

They went to get some juice.

-Hey.
-Going somewhere?

Just preparing for tomorrow.

-I've got Band-Aids...
-Mm-hmm.

...ice pack, arm sling,
stuff like that.

Do you know where Mom's
wedgie cream is?

It's just Scrub Day.

Yeah, but I'm the only scrub.

Well, you got yourself
into this mess

-with your big mouth, mister.
-I know.

But it's not
that big of a deal.

It's just a stupid initiation.
No one's really going to hurt you.

You know, that's exactly
what I keep telling myself.

It's just...

Larry Beale and those jerks.

I really don't want to do anything
stupid in front of them...

you know, like trip or start crying,
you know?

Well, if things do get serious,
you can always come to me.

Yeah.

Ah, here it is.

Oh, hey, Ren, you can
use the laundry room now.

My suit should be finished.

You put a suit
in the washing machine?

Yeah. Look. I'm going as Abe Lincoln
at the History Pageant.

I got the greatest
wool suit

from this thrift shop,
but it's a little... itchy,

so I just decided
to wash it few times.

Hey, Donnie, I'm a little worried
about Louis tomorrow.

This whole Scrub Day thing
is getting kind of vicious.

Come on, Ren,
we all went through this.

Not alone.

Look, Louis is a tough kid, okay?

He hasn't cried during a haircut
for years.

You really put your wool suit
in the washing machine?

Yeah. Why?
Is that a problem?

No.

The truth.

STEVE: Hm.

How bad is it?

Well, honey, you can always go
as Pee-Wee Herman.

(LAUGHING)

Mother, you are not helping me.

What am I going to do?
This is my costume for tomorrow.

Come on, let's not panic.
We're going to get through this.

We'll find you a new person.
We'll get you a new costume.

We'll donate that suit
to a nice...doll hospital.

(LAUGHING)

EILEEN: Donnie, we're sorry.

(CACKLING)

He's got to be here
somewhere.

BOY: Scrub!
We got him, Larry!

-Where is he?
-Who?

Uh, the Tooth Fairy.
Your friend Louis.

Yeah, your friend
Louis, hmm?

Oh, Louis. Yeah.
Isn't that the guy

that ran off with the band of mimes
back in ?

-Mimes?
-Yeah, mimes.

Oh, mimes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They joined the mimes.

Yeah, they were trapped in this
big, invisible box. You know, the...

-Yeah! Whoa.
-Yeah, they...

-Trapping me in some kind of box.
-LARRY: Stop that!

I don't think you guys
realize how serious this is.

Yeah, how serious this is.

I think you guys are
taking it a little... too serious.

Larry, it seems to me this is all
some kind of cover-up

for your hidden insecurities.

Are you a secret
thumb sucker?

Look, what I do to psych myself up
before a game

is none of your business.

None of your business!

Thank you, Ivan.
If I ever find out

any of you are helping out
your little friend,

you're gonna get it just as bad.

Just as bad.

-That was so close.
-TWITTY: Hey, Louis,

about yesterday,
bailing on you and stuff,

I'm... I'm... sorry.

Yeah, me too.

The whole USA thing,
it kind of d*ed

after it became "you" USA.

Oh, you can go to the nurse,
tell her you have an ear infection.

-It's the all-purpose excuse, right?
-Yeah.

You two.

-BOY : Scrub!
-BOY : Scrub!

LARRY: I told you
I heard his voice.

(PANTING)

"Ear infection"?
Oh, that's great.

(GASPS) Oh... it's you.

If you see Larry Beale,
tell him I went the other way.

Hey, I'm no snitch.

-The scrub went that way.
-Yeah!

That's the Wombat spirit!

Aw. Aw.

BOY: k*ll him, Larry!

Mama mia!

(WHISPERING) Hello.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Ah, we got him, boys.
It's a dead end.

LOUIS: Okay, guys,
guys, you got me.

Gotcha!

LOUIS: Let's call a truce, okay?

Go easy on me, Larry.
I'm just a little scrub.

A scrub you can't catch!
(YELLS)

Wow, I hope you're not
lactose-intolerant. (CHUCKLES)

Okay, Ren, I got your note.
What's up?

Hi, Larry.
How are you today?

What do you want?

Well, I was just wondering

how you and your crew
were enjoying Scrub Day.

Actually, I'm tired
of chasing your little brother.

Exhausted.

See, um, that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

There's a grade full of little scrubs
you could be chasing.

What's so special
about my brother?

I'll tell you what's so special:

He's a Stevens.
And I've had it up to here

-with the whole bunch of you.
-Up to here, Ren.

Your brother, Donnie,
was the big man on campus.

You're the big mouth on campus.

And Louis?
Louis is just a little scrub.

And that means
his butt his mine.

-Well...
-(DRAWER SLAMS SHUT)

...you're right about
one thing, Larry.

He is a Stevens,

which means he'll probably
figure out a way to b*at you.

Because you're just a little,
thumb-sucking Beale.

Okay, now, who told her that?

I have no clue, Larry.

Now he's going to
get it twice as bad.

And, uh, he can thank you
for that.

Should I thank you now
or later?

(ANSWERING MACHINE RECORDING)
Hey, this is Donnie.

I'm not near the phone,
so start talking.

-(BEEP)
-LOUIS: Uh, Donnie, it's Louis.

Um, I... I'm really sorry
to bother you.

I know you're in the middle
of your little history thing,

but, um... I could really
use your help right now.

Uh, Larry and his band of losers
have been on my tail all morning.

And, I mean,
it's only a matter of time

before... they...

(HIGH-PITCHED)
Oh, hi there.

Look what I found here.

-Fresh scrub meat.
-Ow!

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING)

Louis, your brother's coming.

My brother's c...
My brother's coming!

You better let go!
I'm just warning you.

Whoa, fashion emergency.

(WITH HINDI ACCENT)
I am dressed as Mahatma Gandhi,

the national hero of India.

He was a gentle man

who believed in justice
and peace.

Now, get out of my face,
let me talk to my brother, all right?

Can I ask you something?
What happened to Rocky?

Look, Louis,
forget about Rocky, all right?

I was up all night
reading about Gandhi.

This guy is amazing, Louis.
He believed that v*olence...

only leads to more v*olence.

That's great.
Does he know karate?

-Because...
-I'm trying to help you here, man.

Look, look.
Gandhi said...

"The way to end a battle

"is to have the courage
not to fight back."

I have an idea.
I'll hold your glasses

and you b*at him
with this sheet.

Louis, if you listen to me,
you might be enlightened.

-Yeah. I'm... I'm enlightened.
-(PAGER BEEPING)

-Oh, okay, got to go.
-Who's that?

I'll do it myself, man.

Let me leave you
with Gandhi's own words.

(WITH HINDI ACCENT)
"Put down your sword

"and offer to those
who oppose you,

"instead, a cup of love."

-IVAN: That's nice.
-LARRY: Yeah, that's really good.

-Take him to the vat.
-Wait. Ow.

-Wait. The... vat of love?
-Stop.

The vat of sloppy joes.

(GASPING)
The vat... of sloppy joes! No!

(CHEERING)

LOUIS: What are you gonna do, man?
Stop! Stop!

First thing, we're going
to make some scrub stew.

No, no. That's disgusting!

-LOUIS: No, no, no!
-Drop him in.

Give it up, Stevens.
This is a battle you won't win.

No! No! No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No! No!

(LAUGHTER)

(HOOTING)

"The way to win a battle

"is to have the courage
not to fight back."

LARRY: Oh, you know what?
Maybe we need to spice him up a bit.

You want some spice?
He wants some spice.

(LARRY LAUGHING)

LARRY: Aren't you going to scream?
Go ahead, scrub, scream.

Scream.

Well, aren't you going
to say something?

-Anybody got a bun?
-(LAUGHTER)

It's not too hot; it's not too cold.
It's pretty good.

That is some good eatin'.

Man, this is so lame, man.
He likes it.

-I waited a whole year for this?
-This is the worst Scrub Day ever.

-IVAN: Let's get out of here.
-Let's bounce.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

-Slop's up!
-(LAUGHTER)

-TAWNY: I'm there!
-TWITTY: Mm.

Ooh... look at that.

Woo! Oh, yeah!

(CHEERING)

-I'm so over Scrub Day.
-TAWNY: Woo!

-Marco! Marco!
-LOUIS: Polo! Polo!

-Marco!
-TWITTY AND LOUIS: Polo!

Oh!

-TAWNY; Excuse me. Marco!
-BOTH BOYS: Polo!

Ren, what are you doing?

No!

(WHIMPERING)

You know,
you did pretty well today.

-Well, thank you.
-(CHUCKLES)

Truthfully, I'm glad it's over.

Thanks to you,
Scrub Day may be over for good.

What?
That's not fair, man!

I spent a lot of time
making a list

for next year's scrubs.
You see?

I got mohawk haircuts,
dead fish in the lockers,

pudding balloons,
mice in their underwear.

There's tons of stuff
on this list.

And besides,

what am I going to do
with all these worms, huh? Huh?

-Ew! Ew! Ew!
-What am I gonna do?

And don't touch me!
If the slime even gets on me...

-What happens? What happens, huh?
-Ew! Ew! Ew!