06x02 - London, Part 2

[bunniefuu]

Wait, I forgot.
Who the hell is pregnant?

What? I found a pregnancy
test at your cabin.

And I checked with all the
girls that were there.

It wasn't any of them.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hello, darling.
What a surprise.

Hey. Can we talk?
Maybe in private?

(GASPS)

You and me?

I believe she's
referring to me, son.

Please excuse us.
(DIANE CLEARS THROAT)

So, I, uh, am pregnant.

(CHUCKLES)

I see.
I don't understand how.

We were so careful.

I warned you about this.

Standard birth control methods

aren't usually effective
against a Swanson.

I've got about
a million thoughts

running around in my head,

but I really just want to
know what you're thinking.

Okay, here's what I'm thinking.

I was going to wait
until our anniversary,

and take you somewhere
romantic, perhaps in a canoe.

Most likely in a canoe.

I actually built a canoe
for that purpose.

But given the news,

and given my significant
feelings for you,

now seems as good a time as any.

Ron Swanson.

Diane Lewis.

Will you marry me?

Yes.
On one condition.

Anything, my love. Ask me
for anything in the world,

and I'll give it to you.

Except a destination wedding.

Just the opposite.

We've both been married before.

I don't want anything
big or elaborate.

In fact, the smaller,
the better.

I assume you can deal with that.

(LAUGHS)
Are you kidding?

As far as I'm concerned,

we could go up to
the fourth floor right now.

Well, hello there.

Hey, Leslie.
What's with the get-up?

We're coming back from
cleaning up the Pawnee River.

There's nothing I love more than

squeegeeing slime off
a highway underpass.

Where are you guys going?

The fourth floor.
Getting married.

Okee dokee.
Well, catch you later.

What? Why?

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

What the...

Are you dead? You look
like you're in rictus.

I just, I'm having so many
thoughts and feelings that

I'm paralyzed right now.

Would you ladies like to come?

Can I be the best man?

Why not? Let's go.

Ron is getting married, and I
love him, and I care about him,

and this is
the greatest day ever,

and I do not have time
to talk about this.

Wait!

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

If you would just
slow down a little,

then I could arrange balloons

or a flower cake or a
bouncy castle or some...

Ah. Ethel Beavers. We would
like a marriage license.

Please and thank you.

What's the date of the wedding?

Today. It's a bit unusual,
but we've both...

Don't care.

Leslie Knope, would you
please be my matron of honor?

Diane, you have no idea
what that means to me.

She gets it. Let's go. Wait.

This is like a waking
nightmare of happiness.

Um, I need to get some flowers.

Uh, why don't you hold this
colorful bouquet of highlighters?

Rice, I need to find some rice.
I need to throw some rice.

Why is there no rice in this
municipal government building?

I found a justice guy.

These are the marrying people.
This is Carl.

Hello, Carl.

My fiancée and I would like to get
married right now, right here.

Haven't I done a quickie
wedding for you before?

It's certainly possible, but
this one's going to stick.

I need your full names
for the license.

Ronald Ulysses Swanson.

Diane Tammy Lewis.

Tammy?
Your middle name is...

Just kidding.
It's Elizabeth.

Let's go, Carl.

Hey, hey. Let's pump
the brakes, Carl, okay?

Belay that order, Carl.

Shortest possible ceremony.

I'm tired of not being
married to this woman.

Do you, Ron Swanson...

Ooh, it's gonna start!

...take Diane to be your wife?
Ooh, it's happening.

I certainly do.
Oh, my God.

And do you, Diane...
Yes, I do.

She said yes. (SIGHS) Okay.

Wait! By the power
vested in me...

Before you, Carl,
just one second.

I would just like to give
a short speech. If I may.

You have seconds.
(SIGHS)

At first glance,
it may seem as though

Ron Swanson and I
have nothing in common.

But Webster's Dictionary
defines "friend"...

Time.
(GROANS)

Thank you, Leslie.
(SIGHS)

I could tell where you
were going with that,

and it was going
to be beautiful.

I now pronounce you man and wife.
Oh.

Hurray!

(APPLAUSE) Yay!

Great job, everyone.
(CHUCKLES)

The reception will be held in each
of our individual houses, alone.

Pretend this is rice.

(SIGHS)

That was beautiful.

LESLIE: The people who want
to boot me from office

have been viciously
attacking me for weeks.

CROWD: (CHANTING)
Recall Knope!

Legalize weed!

Last week, I was an answer in the
Pawnee Journal's crossword puzzle.

The clue? "Who's the worst?"
But you know what?

We're fighting back.

I've broken my defense
initiative into phases.

We are currently in Phase .
"No Problem Too Small."

Anyone can come to me
anytime with any problem,

no matter how petty or small,

and I will fix it personally.

And let me tell you,

some of these complaints are
pretty damn petty and small.

Okay, Gretel.
(SIGHS)

How can I help you today?

There are slugs everywhere

on the sidewalk
in front of my house.

I want them gone. But not k*lled.
I love animals.

But get rid of them.
They're gross.

But make sure they're happy.

But not too happy.

Well, we're on it. Because
no problem too small.

So, what, now?
(SIGHS)

Well, I have about
more people

who want to come into my office,

and complain to my face.

Leslie Knope. Ann Perkins.
Oh. (SIGHS)

How's the recall fight going?

This person-to-person campaigning
is kind of wearing me down.

Well, as a wise woman
once said to me,

"Ann, you cunning, pliable,
chestnut-haired sunfish,

"phase is
the key to my plan."

Good memory, sunfish.
Let's press on.

I have to come up with some
solution for this slug problem.

Someone has a slug infestation?

Boy, oh boy,
we live interesting lives,

filled with
unexpected challenges.

Life is precious and
every day is a miracle.

Okay.

What a freak.

Things with me and Chris
are going really well.

We spend every day together,
and we're having so much fun.

And check this out.

Oh, no, there's no ring. We just
had manicures together recently.

Sorry, that was misleading.

Ah. Mr. Haverford.
Back again, I see?

What the hell, man? This
looks exactly like my store.

I know. My client is a very
determined businessman.

When he rips someone off,
he goes all the way.

You see, you are Hydrox,
Mr. Haverford.

We are Oreo.

Your mysterious unnamed client
seems like a pretty intense guy.

I am impressed by
how quickly he was able

to move such a large amount
of merchandise. Mmm.

Must be one heck
of a transporter.

My client is not Jason Statham.

If that's what you're thinking.

Some mysterious big sh*t
investor has opened up a store

directly across the street
from Rent A Swag,

to try to put me
out of business.

I'm not worried, though. I've poured
my heart and soul into my store.

I'm sure this guy is
just looking for a place

to store all his NBA
Championship trophies.

TREVOR:
It's not LeBron James.

Damn.

(SIGHS) I hate to say this,
g*ng, but I don't think

"No Problem Too Small"
is working.

I mean, there's been no press coverage,
no change in my poll numbers.

I agree. We need something
massive and attention-getting.

Something that will grab
people by their ears,

yell at them through a bullhorn,

and hit them like
a bolt of lightning.

I've got it.
What is it?

Oh, no, I just.
I got a fly.

I have something.
Remember Phase ?

"Think Outside of the Box"?

Of course.
It was an amazing phase.

Easily a top-five phase.

Well, I thought
outside of the box

and I nominated you
for this big award.

It's called the International
Coalition of Women in Government.

And you won.

There's, like, five winners, and
you get a big trophy or something.

Oh, my God, this is real.

I just assumed you were lying.

Thank you, but yeah, it's real.

Ann Richards won it once.

And Janet Napolitano, I think.

Janet Napoli-freakin-tano?
Oh, my God.

This is amazing and perfect.

This is exactly the kind
of big, splashy thing

that's going to get
the voters' attention.

When is the ceremony?

Next month.
In London.

London?
London?

We're going to London?

We're going to London, you guys!

Ooh-whee!

I can't believe
we're at Hogwarts.

BEN: No, that's
Buckingham Palace.

Hogwarts is fictional.
Do you know that?

It's important to me
that you know that.

Okay, guys. We are going
to be sightseeing today.

Andy and Ben are gonna go
to their meeting,

and then, we're going to go
back to the hotel for lunch.

And I will spend the day getting
to know London's history.

History began on July th, .

Everything before
that was a mistake.

Diane suggested we tag along
to London for a honeymoon.

I agreed because my love for her
trumps my hatred for Europe.

Then, she hit a phase of morning
sickness that knocked her for a loop,

and decided to stay home.

But she insisted I go
and take pictures for her.

All of this could
have been avoided

if we'd followed my plan
for a honeymoon.

A steak dinner, a glass
of Lagavulin whiskey,

then vigorous
lovemaking for two hours,

and we're both
asleep by : .

Hey, Leslie, we're going to head
to the meeting. Are you okay?

Yeah. I know it's weird, but I kind
of feel bad about leaving Pawnee.

It's like leaving my kid at
home without a babysitter.

Leslie, you're in London. You're
, miles away from home.

Try to enjoy this. Okay?

You're right, as usual.
Good luck.

Ooh. Hey, boss man.

I want to go home early. Ooh,
hold on, actually, hang on.

Yeah, no. I want to quit and
never come here again. (LAUGHS)

Okay, bye.

I can't believe
I used to date you.

Tommy Pickles,

you see there's a better version
of your store across the street?

And those guys are giving out
free pizza with pepperonis.

I know, man.
That's my competition.

They're trying to put me out
of business, and it's working.

Three weeks ago,
this place was hopping.

My clothes were
flying off the rack.

I was spreading swag around
town like a k*ller swag virus.

Now, look at this place.
It's dead.

What am I going to do?

It's like I always say, okay?

When life gives you lemons, you
sell some of your grandma's jewelry

and you go clubbing.

That's not a good
piece of advice.

So? I'm going to throw up.
I ate too much cheese.

I'll talk to you.
(SIGHS)

I need some better friends.

So, the only thing you did
was stop drinking beer?

Yeah, I lost pounds
in one month.

How much beer were you drinking?

(LAUGHS)
I know, right?

Probably too much.

Andy and I are meeting with an
English charity foundation,

to expand our
after-school music program,

and British people love me.

There was this British kid in my high
school who always called me Big Ben,

and he would punch me really
hard on the arm and go...

Bong. Bong. Bong.

Oh, he might have hated me.

Real quick. Should I
do a British accent?

Um...

I'm going to say no.
You sure?

Yeah.
I can do one.

It's not very good,
but I think I can pull it off.

I just feel like he's gonna get upset
when he finds out that we're American.

No, he knows we're American.

Ugh, great.
All right, well.

I guess we'll take
the meeting anyway.

After all, we did come
all the way down under.

BEN: No.

Lord Covington.
I'm Ben Wyatt.

This is Andy Dwyer, and it is
an honor to meet you, sir.

Well, it's nice
to meet you, too.

However, the proper mode
of address would be,

"Your Royal Excellency,
Lord Edgar Darby Covington,

"Fourteenth Earl of
Cornwall upon Thames,

"Twenty-ninth Baron
of Hartfordshire."

No, no, no, I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.

Please call me Eddie.
Oh. Thank God.

I knew that other name must
have been a stupid joke.

Andy. (LAUGHING) No, no, no.
No, he's absolutely right.

It's an absurd name.

Well, I'm excited to hear about
your musical charity idea.

Shall we?
Yeah.

The Notting Hill
bus tour starts at : ,

the Love Actually
bus tour starts at : ,

and, oh, the Bridget Jones bus tour
starts at : also. (CLICKS TONGUE)

What do we do?
Ron, your pick.

Look. A clock. We don't
have that in America.

You call that a tower?

Try the Sears Tower, friend.

"London at Night." That is very funny.
(LAUGHING)

MAN: Can I help you, sir?

Yes.

I will take this.

Uh, we don't accept
American currency, sir.

Of course you do. That's the most
wonderful piece of paper in the world.

Accept it.

Very sorry, sir.

Fine.

Enjoy the fact that
your royal overlords

are a frail old woman
and a tiny baby.

(SIGHS) You really think
this will work, Donna?

Why wouldn't it?

We just pull the business
license, it's public information,

and then, at least
you'll have an address.

Oh. Here.

Hmm. Some kind of shady fake shell
corporation called Open For Business LLC.

Thanks, Donna.

Hey, if it's Akon and y'all
become best friends,

I want a ride on his plane.

Done and done.

Nice.

Ten-twenty Maple Street.

Ann and Chris?
What are they doing here?

Sir, you can't go in there.

Ah-ha!

I caught you.
Hey, it's Tom.

What the hell are you doing?

What am I doing?
What are you doing here?

Dr. Saperstein is
giving me a sonogram,

in his doctor's office
for women,

because I'm pregnant.

Oh, my God.

You're Jean-Ralphio's dad.
SAPERSTEIN: Mmm-hmm.

You're the one that's trying
to put me out of business.

Well, look at that, Mr. Haverford.
You tracked me down.

Looks like your detective skills

are a lot better than your tween

high-end
fashion rental skills.

Ann? Chris? Can we
have the room, please?

No, you certainly cannot.

Dr. Saperstein, why are you doing this?
What did I ever do to you?

You know exactly
why I'm doing this.

You destroyed my family.

First, you screwed my son
out of your business.

And then, you stole
my daughter's virginity.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Wait, you're serious?

Deadly serious.

According to my daughter,
you broke her heart.

Then, you smashed up her BMW.

I had to buy her a new one so she
could drive to divinity school.

Let me tell
you something, mister.

You att*ck a Saperstein,
you face my wrath.

Be so sure about this, Tiny Tom,

that I will crush you
like the bug you are.

(GASPS) And there it is,
the heartbeat.

Everything sounds perfect.

Oh. This is the moment we
were dreaming of. (CHUCKLES)

You and me and our baby.

And Tom and his weird
feud with our doctor.

So, this after-school
music program

has been really
successful in Pawnee,

and we've expanded it to eight
other towns in Indiana.

But we feel, with your
help, we can be...

Whoa! Are those...
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Are those remote
control helicopters?

Yeah.
What? (LAUGHS)

I got them as a gift.

I bought them for
one of my nephews.

Then, I decided to keep them.
ANDY: Yeah.

Would you like
to play with them?

Oh, would I? I call the blue one.
I call... Aw.

Okay, you get the blue one.

Andy, we are guests
of Lord Covington.

Maybe you should let him...

Play with the blue helicopter.

What are you talking about, dude?
I called it.

He called it.
That's the rule.

That's the rule.

Anyway, the orange one's better.

ANDY: What?
EDGAR: Come on.

Ah!

(EDGAR LAUGHING)

Hey, get off.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Dude, awesome.
I think I broke mine.

EDGAR: Oh, bummer.

So, like, you, your family
owns all this stuff?

Well, no, not everything.

Uh, we own that building,

that one, that house,
that round thing,

that one, we don't own that.

Oh, no, actually,
we do own that.

What else does your family own?

Well, um,
have you heard of Scotland?

As I was saying, uh,
we've really made

this music program
work in Indiana,

and we think, with your help,

we could turn this into a
wide-reaching international program.

Oh, you know what I want?
Ice cream.

Do you guys have that here?
Ice cream?

Oh, it's so good.
You have to get it.

It's, like, scoops
and it comes on a cone.

Do you have that here? We have it.
Of course we have it.

You have it? Where do you
think you are, the moon?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

That would be awesome
if we were.

Yeah.

Can we get some?
Could we have some?

Could we?
Sure.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Yeah.

Let's go.

ANDY: What do
I do with this?

EDGAR: Just throw it there.
Roger will pick it up.

ANDY: Oh. (LAUGHS)

So, I long for a day
when women in government

will simply be seen
as people in government,

but until then, I will work to make
Pawnee, my wonderful hometown,

as good as it can be.
What do you think?

I think you should lose the
first line and the last line,

and all of the other lines,

and instead,
just walk up to the mic

and meow really loudly
for eight minutes.

Okay.
This trip is amazing,

but I miss Pawnee, you know?

I want to know
what's happening there.

One little news
blast wouldn't hurt.

PERD: Welcome to
The Final Word with Perd.

Ms. Pinewood, there is
a thing you are doing,

and that thing is,
you are leading

a recall vote against
Councilwoman Knope.

And you say you have new,
shocking allegations about her.

What? What, now?

Perd, I take no pleasure in reporting
this, but it must come to light.

We are here trying
to make Pawnee better,

and where is Leslie Knope?

She's gallivanting around Europe,
like some kind of European.

(EXCLAIMS)

How did they get that picture?
Facebook.

But I just put...
APRIL: Facebook.

Isn't it a... Mmm.
Facebook.

Apparently, she can't be
bothered to stay here in Pawnee,

not when there's Europe
to gallivant around in.

Well, we conducted a Perd Poll
and asked this question.

Do you think Leslie Knope
should be in England?

Do you not think that,
or do you not think that?

% said she should
not be in Europe.

% say it's okay,

and % said they were confused

by the way
the question was posed.

Oh, my God.

APRIL:
You're leaving tonight?

I can't believe
there's even a flight.

Well, not to Indiana. But there's
a : redeye to Lisbon.

And then, I can catch the
: AM back to Edinburgh,

connect through Houston,
head on up to Cincinnati

and then, rent a car,
drive around ,

and I'll be home
two hours earlier

than if I flew home as planned.

Easy breezy.

Leslie, I can't believe
I'm saying this,

but I do not think you should
leave Europe right now.

You flew all this way.
Have some perspective.

You have some perspective.

I'm sorry.

Maybe you're right.
Maybe I'm stressed.

Okay, I need to calm down.

Let's go walk past
Colin Firth's house again.

Who is that?

Hold up.
My dad said that?

TOM: Yeah, Jean-Ralphio.

He told me that I had screwed
you out of my business.

What? So he was going
to screw me back.

Any idea why he'd
believe such a thing?

That is so weird.

That is so...
Oh, you know what?

Honestly, now that I'm thinking
about it, this may be it.

I actually told him that
Rent A Swag was my idea,

and that you had
stole it from me.

Why would you say that?

Because my dad is always riding
me for never having a job,

and I just didn't want to show
that I blew it again.

Ooh, and I don't know
if this is relevant,

but I told him that you made me sign
up for a bunch of credit cards,

and then maxed them out

by buying illegal white
jaguar fur coats.

(LAUGHS)
That's probably not relevant.

It's probably
not relevant, though.

I guess.
No, definitely.

All this lying
about me stops now.

BOTH: Mmm.

This is my life.

Please, one of you has
to tell him the truth.

Not it!
Ooh, you got me!

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Okay, fine.
You know what?

I'm going to do the unthinkable.

I'm going to have a short, honest
conversation with my father.

Thank you.

(PIANO PLAYING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(CHEERING)

Oh, that's a big
cheering section.

Okay. That's Khongordzol
from Mongolia.

She grew up in a hut that was
entirely made of ice and mud.

Then, she became their mayor,
then their police chief,

and their best
wolverine wrangler.

I love her.

Oh, hi. You must be Leslie Knope.
Oh.

I'm Ulee Danssen.
I'm one of the honorees.

Wow. Look at your face.

What?
It's just so symmetrical.

Oh, thanks.

You know, we all have
that in Denmark.

Oh, you're from Denmark.
Of course.

Well, what part of
Denmark are you from?

I'm from Silkeborg.

You know, it's not one of the
most perfect places in the world.

But I love it, and it loves me.

And look what
they've done for me.

They made a statue of you.

Yes.
(CHUCKLES)

Wow. Is that goat cheese?

Good cheese eye, Leslie. It
is made out of goat cheese.

We have a lot of it.
And after tonight's event,

they're going to consume
me with crackers.

They just love me.
What about your town?

Well, Pawnee, Indiana, is a
wonderful town, and I love it.

But they hate me, and they're
trying to kick me out of office.

One time, they made
a piñata of my face.

And then, everybody
in the town came

and took turns
hitting it with a stick.

And they filled it with broccoli
just to add insult to injury.

(LAUGHS) But politics...

You know what I mean, right?

(LAUGHS) I don't. No.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

So, you're from Mongolia?

(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)

Will you take me with you
when you go back there?

(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)

I love you.

Hmm.

Did you understand that?

Did you bring any wolverines?

(ANDY LAUGHING)

Say it again.
Say it again.

Aluminium.
(LAUGHING)

Okay. Okay. You say it.
You say it. You say it.

It's allumilum.

Allumilum?

Okay. Uh, Eddie?
Allumilum.

Uh, if you'd like me to talk
more about the program,

I'd be happy to, but,
(CLEARS THROAT) Mmm-hmm?

My wife is receiving an award
in just a few minutes.

And I really need to get over there.
Yes, of course.

The thing is,

I don't know what I'm doing.

Me, neither.
I'm sorry?

My family has
a huge amount of money.

We live in a castle.
It has , acres of land.

Our hedge maze is so vast,

once, I got lost in there
for two days.

What? That's awesome.

It was awesome.

There was a statue of a lion
inside, and I found a yo-yo.

Well, do you, do you have it here?
Guys.

But the point is,
I started this foundation

in order to do something
good with our money.

I've heard hundreds
of charity pitches,

and I honestly don't know
whether they're good or bad.

If I may.

Ours is great.

Brilliant. I'm in.

What? Are you serious?

Yeah. I like you.
I like music.

On one condition.

I want you to
stay here in London

with me for no more
than three months,

to help me get it up and
running, and tell me what to do.

Oh, well, that, that
actually may be tough.

I mean, my wife is in the
middle of this recall fight.

And I really need to...
Oh, no, no, no.

No. No.

I meant Andy.
I want Andy to stay.

Is that a goose that
just flew by the window?

Oh, it's a plastic bag.
Did you see that?

Wait, did I interrupt? What
are you guys talking about?

Let's see if it was a goose. I think
it could have been, honest to God.

Silkeborg is wonderful.

And I am very
supported and loved.

Once, on my birthday,
the town trained

a reindeer to do a dance for me.

It was beautiful

and the reindeer was delicious.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

Hey.
Hey.

How was your meeting?

Good. I'll fill
you in later.

You ready for your speech?

Uh, yeah. Yeah.

LISA: Thank you, Ulee.

It is so inspiring to hear
stories of powerful women

who are held in high
esteem by their hometowns.

Now, from the hometown of Pawnee,
Indiana, in the United States...

Leslie Knope.

Uh, first, let me say it
is a true honor to be here

among these amazing women.

You all inspire me
with your accomplishments

and the things you have done
for your hometowns.

And the things your hometowns
have done for you.

I mean, they're just truly...

You know, I've been a public
servant for a long time.

And you know how
I spend my days?

Cleaning slime out of rivers

and removing slugs
from people's front yards.

And I love my town, but you
know how they repay me?

By hating me.

They hate me.
They want to recall me.

I wish I could, uh, move to Silkeborg
and dance with a reindeer.

You're always welcome
in Silkeborg.

Olga, let's start
a statue of Leslie.

See? They like me in Silkeborg
more than my own hometown,

and I've never even been there.

I love Pawnee,
but sometimes, it sucks.

The people can be very
mean and ungrateful,

and they cling to
their fried dough

and their big sodas.

And then, they get mad at me
when their pants don't fit.

You know, I'm sick of it.

Pawnee is filled with
a bunch of peepee-heads.

Thank you very much
for this amazing award.

I'm sorry I said peepee-heads.
(CHUCKLES)

(WHOOPS)

APRIL: That's my boss.

That speech was a little
rough, don't you think?

Whatever. It's how I feel.

Stupid, ungrateful town.

Plus, you said it yourself,
we're , miles away.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

(ON PHONE)
Leslie, it's Jerry.

Jerry who?

Gergich.

Oh. Jerry. Jerry. Jerry,
why are you calling me?

I don't want to waste
my international minutes.

Leslie, your speech was webcast.

Here, in Pawnee.

Everyone saw it.

What do you mean, everyone?

I had organized
a big viewing party.

You know, to support you.

And, well, now, that Kathryn Pinewood lady.
She's already pounced.

She's calling it
the "Peepee-Head Speech."

Bloody hell, Jerry.

So, how's London...
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

I just never thought
that I would get

to make this announcement.

It's a very special day.

Okay.

Hey, Donna.

ANN: So...
You're pregnant.

Oh, man. Tom told you. Nope.

You're drinking decaf coffee, which
you usually only do in the afternoon.

You're wearing an empire-waist
dress and loose shoes

'cause your feet
are already swelling.

I'd put you at nine,
maybe ten weeks?

My goodness, you're observant.

Yes, I am.
Yes, I am.

Hmm.

When did you make the
switch to boxer briefs?

Yesterday.

Okay, please
stop looking at him.

Why are we here?

RON: Just thought you
needed some fresh air.

Even if that air is filled with the
foul stench of European socialism.

You know, I know I am supposed
to feel bad about what I said.

But I do not.

Pawnee has really been
pissing me off lately.

Leslie, for God's sake.
You're the adult here.

When your kid screams,
"I hate you,"

you don't sink to his level
and yell, "I hate you" back.

You have to be the grown-up.
(SIGHS)

You're right. I know.
I have to be the grown-up.

But it's so hard.

Ron. God.

And nobody ever thanks you.

You choose a thankless job,

you can't be upset
when nobody thanks you.

And by the way,
April thanked you.

She nominated you
for this award.

Well, April does that
all the time.

She nominated Ann for Motocross
Driver of the Year Award,

just so she could
get a rejection letter.

April respects you.

And so do many others.

Don't start chasing
applause and acclaim.

That way lies madness.

(SIGHS)

Oh. I almost forgot.

I finally got you
a proper wedding gift.

Part one of many.

A train ticket?

You think I want
to extend my stay

on this godforsaken continent?

Yes, you do.

If you follow that
itinerary to the letter,

I promise you, you will
not be disappointed.

Well, I would offer
to buy you a drink,

but where the hell
would that even happen?

This is London, Ron.

There's a pub over there,
there's a pub over there,

there's a pub between
those two butcher shops.

Let's go to that one.
But we'll be stopping

in those two
butcher shops first.

Hey, Jerry. I didn't know
you were working today.

Yeah. Ron asked me to come in
while he's away. (CHUCKLES)

Of course, I had to cancel
my cardiologist appointment...

That's great.

Now, here's a piece of
information that is interesting.

Ann is pregnant,
and it's my baby.

JERRY: Oh, my God,
that's wonderful news.

Oh, there's so much
in front of you.

I mean soon, you're
going to start showing.

And then, your clothes
will feel tight.

And then, oh, people are
going to start rubbing

your tummy all the time.

(LAUGHS)
That sounds terrible.

Well, Gayle,
she got really queasy.

And I gained a lot
of sympathy weight.

Yeah. You know,
actually, before my kids,

I looked a lot like you, Chris.

I am very sad.
Please stop talking.

Well, and, of course,
pretty soon, Ann,

your milk is going to come in.

Oh.
That is exciting.

Mmm.

Yep, and it happens
sooner than you'd think.

The babies can sense it.

You would be shocked.

Because they are rooting around
for that nipple. (SUCKS)

Give it to me.
I want milk.

(SUCKING)

Life is a miracle.

Mmm. Mmm-mmm.

APRIL: So,
it's kind of awesome

that the Lord Fancyface guy
wants you to stay.

ANDY: Yeah, I guess. I mean,
I can't do it, obviously.

APRIL: Why?

I don't know what
I would be doing.

Besides, this is England.

Everything is so weird.
It's all different.

Yeah. Like how they drive on
the other side of the road?

Do they?

I'll be damned.

Yeah, like that.
That's what I'm...

Exactly what I'm talking about.

Or, like, the Piccadilly
Circus we went to?

Not even a circus. There's no elephants.
There is no cotton candies.

No clowns.

One bearded lady. She got all
rude when I marveled at her.

Do you like
the Lord Fancyface guy?

Oh, he's awesome. He's everything
you would want in a boss.

I mean...

Remote control helicopters,
talks funny.

Total package.

I think you should do it.

When are you going to have
another opportunity like this?

Yeah, but... Plus, we can
deal with the distance, okay?

Remember, I was in
Washington last year?

He said he wanted me
to head up the company.

I have no idea how
to run a non-profit.

Hey.

You shined shoes for over two
years and never made a profit.

Come on.
You can hack this.

I believe in you.

But to replace you,

I am going to have to build
a scarecrow replica of you

and take it to the movies.

Seems like
the only logical solution.

My point is, Ethel, that...

Ann is pregnant.
And I'm the baby daddy.

How wonderful for you.

But, you don't seem
very excited for us.

I barely know you.

And I don't have to talk to
you unless it's about work.

Man, I thought this
would be more satisfying.

I agree.

Wait a minute.
What time is it?

Has she landed yet?

LESLIE: Oh, I am so happy
for you guys.

Oh, this is the greatest day
in the history of days.

This day, a thousand
years from now,

will be celebrated
as the beginning

of a new and better human race.

I am so happy for you,
I'm never letting you go.

I am not going to let you go.

Oh, oh, oh. Eventually, she's
going to have to go back to work.

Are you sure you
should be working?

I mean, you should be
resting and getting fluids,

and cold compresses,
and greasy foods.

That's for a hangover.

Right. Yeah. Of course.
I'm so goofed-up right now.

I am so jet-lagged. I took a
sleeping pill on the plane,

and then I changed my mind.

So, I took this thing
called "ZapVigil,"

which apparently is what Israeli fighter
pilots use to stay awake, so...

Right now it looks like I'm talking
to a giant crab. (LAUGHING)

Stay away from me, crab.

I'm just kidding.
I know it's Ann.

CHRIS: We are so glad
you're back.

We talked to, like, people,

and frankly, not one of them

gave us the reaction that
we were hoping for.

And your reaction, from
someone we love so much,

I mean, it just makes up
for all the other ones.

Oh.
Anyway, welcome home.

Don't pinch me.

Thank you all for coming.

And let me just say how truly,

deeply trill it is
to be standing in this

dope-ass conference room

and addressing a group of
people in a business meeting.

It's really a dream come true.

Uh, right now I want
to turn the floor over

to Jean-Ralphio,
who has something to say.

Tom. Lawyer guy. Daddy.

Tom did not screw me
out of the company.

He gave me every opportunity to
jump in at the ground floor,

and I said no.

Not because I thought
it was a bad idea,

but because,
and this is very important,

I really didn't care
about what was happening.

So, why exactly did you lie when
I asked you what had happened?

Daddy. Daddy. Come on.
I lie to you all the time.

All those math camps
I said I went to?

(LAUGHING) I don't even
know what a math camp is.

So, all those postcards
that you sent me,

all those trophies
that you'd won...

(SINGING) Trophies I bought

(MONA-LISA CHUCKLES)

I also have something to say.

(SIGHS)

I have done nothing wrong.

Ever, in my life.

I know this.

And I love you.

I love you, too, Daddy.

Money, please.

My money.
(SIGHS)

Dr. Saperstein.

Your son is my best friend.
Yeah.

He's like a brother to me.
But he's a disaster.

And your daughter

seriously needs to be locked up
in some sort of insane asylum.

Mmm.

On an island.
Ooh.

In space.
Calling home.

These two have been huge
disappointments to me.

Come on. You love us.

Tell me you love us,
and then, admit

this guy looks like Beaker
from the Muppets.

(MONA-LISA LAUGHING)

Dad. (LAUGHING)
(IMITATING MUPPETS)

But seriously,
what are we doing here?

What are we doing here, Dad?

Why are we here?
So.

Now, you know the truth.
Will you back off?

No, I will not stop.

Yes, this all started as
vengeance for my children.

But the company
is making money now.

Why would I back off

just because these nincompoops
lie to me all the time?

MONA-LISA: Mmm-hmm. Nope.
I'm not going to back off.

I'm going to continue,
and I'm going to crush you.

All right. You two. Are you
in for dinner tomorrow night?

Yes!
Yes, Daddy.

Blow me a kiss.

BOTH: Muah.
Muah.

Caught it.
I love you, Daddy!

I love you, Daddy!
SAPERSTEIN: I love you, too.

Hey, are you gonna be okay
with Andy gone?

Yeah, it will be fine.

Are you gonna be okay
with Ben still here?

April.
What? I don't trust him.

I never have.
He's after your money.

Hey, Gretel. Hello. It's me,
City Councilwoman Leslie Knope.

And me, Odie the dog,
Garfield's enemy.

LESLIE: Now, we have
some great news.

We were in London, and we met a
wonderful woman from Mongolia.

Yeah. Her name
was Khongordzol,

and I love her more than
anything in the world.

Khongordzol and Odie,
here, were emailing.

And she recommended a very
humane way to get rid of slugs.

You sprinkle coffee grounds
on the affected area,

and it drives the slugs away.

Isn't that great?

I didn't want
all the slugs gone.

I wanted most of them gone.

So sorry. Well,
we'll put one slug back.

Either way,
your problem is solved.

Oh, my God.
That lady is the worst.

She didn't even say thank you.

That's not why we do this, April.
We do it because it's good

and it helps people.

Not to get the applause.

Yeah, but doesn't
that bum you out?

Well, sure, it would be nice if just
one person appreciated my work.

At all.

But that's the job.

Wiping slime
and shoveling slugs.

All right. (SIGHS)
On to the next complaint.

(WOMAN TALKING
INDISTINCTLY OVER PA)

Where the hell are
you sending me, Knope?

Morning, cutie.
Morning, Jessica.

Whoa!
These were a gift

from your British friend,
Lord Edgar Covington.

He was very impressed
with you two.

He sounded rich on the phone.

I think he was calling me
from a helicopter.

Could be. He owns two. Oh.

So, Andy is going to stay
there for three months.

I hope he's okay.

He sent me an email
this morning.

I guess he got
on the wrong train

on the way to work and got lost.

Yeah, this isn't right.

None of this looks familiar.

Eddie?

Uh-oh.
SpaghettiOs...

Oh, don't worry.
I'm sure he'll adjust.

No. I named that dog
"SpaghettiOs,"

and he just pooped
in your briefcase.

(LAUGHING)

BEN: Okay.

Come on, Sugarbutt.

Oh. Which one's Sugarbutt?

That's you. Come on. We've got
a board meeting. Sugarbutt.

(CHUCKLES)

Wildly inappropriate.

You think there's any chance
your dad will give up?

I doubt it. He never gives up on anything.
Except for my mom.

When she turned ,
he was like, "Get out."

(SIGHS) Maybe I should
just throw in the towel.

Your dad will destroy me.
I'll be left with nothing.

I thought I was a better-looking
version of Zuckerberg.

It turns out I'm the
better-looking version of

the Winklevoss twins.

First of all,
unbelievable analogy.

Second of all, what are
you talking about, man?

You're Tommy Haverford.
You're an idea man.

When Babyface was your age, he
hadn't even signed Toni Braxton yet.

Let alone Usher.

You're right. I mean,
I'm basically Babyface.

You're basically Babyface.

Okay. I'm going
to keep going

and I'm going to b*at your dad.

That's what I'm talking about.

And for me,
it's a win-win either way.

Either my best friend emerges
triumphant, or my dad beats you

and I get all that money
when he dies.

I'm actually getting dinner with my
dad right now. You want to come?

No.

(SIGHS)

I mean, this is all pretty
overwhelming, you know?

(SIGHS)

You know what I just read?
That right now,

our baby is the size of a green olive.
(CHUCKLES)

Isn't that wild?

It is. (SIGHS)
A green olive.

A little high in sodium.

I would have preferred a chick
pea or a cherry tomato.

Our baby's not a salad.

Yes. Right.
(SIGHS)

It's just weird.
You know? I mean,

for so long, this little green
olive was just our thing.

And now, it's everyone's thing.

Every time Jerry looks at
me, he's thinking about

the milk in my boobs.
(SIGHS)

It's still just our thing.

It will always be
just our thing.

That's why it's so wonderful,
and why we'll love it so much.

(CHUCKLES)

You know, Olive is kind
of a cute name.

If it's a girl.

I prefer Chick Pea.

Because it's lower in sodium?

Yes, exactly.
Okay.

Hey.
Hey.

Are you leaving?

I just have to get a jump
start on my next phase.

Let's see.

It is " -Hour
Roadkill Scrape-a-thon."

Oh, brother.

Okay, well, before you go,
I have something for you.

I feel like you're getting sad about
how stupid and lame people are.

And that is my job, not yours.

So, I'm going to read
this letter to you out loud.

But if you hug me afterwards,

I swear to God, I'll scream
and pull my hair out

and maybe punch you in the face.
Okay?

Okay.
Please sit.

(CLEARS THROAT)

"Dear Award Committee
Members." (SOBBING)

Leslie. I didn't
even start.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Go ahead.

"Dear Award Committee Members.

"Where I live, there are a
lot of apathetic people.

"People who don't care at all about
what they do, or how they do it.

"They let the world
wash over them,

"and barely notice
anyone else is even there.

"Leslie Knope is not
one of these people.

"She cares about everything
and everyone in our town.

"I don't know how she does it.

"People come to her
with the pettiest,

"stupidest problems.
And she cares, like,

"really, actually cares
what happens to them.

"And if you're lucky
enough to be her friend,

"your life gets
better every day.

"She spends every waking moment

"thinking of new ways
to make her friends happy.

"There is something wonderful about
seeing someone who has found

"her true purpose on Earth.

"For some people, I guess
that's being an astronaut

"or a hot dog eating champion.

"For Leslie, her true
purpose on Earth,

"her true meaning is making
people's lives better.

"That's what I love about her and
that's why she deserves this award.

"Sincerely, Satan."

You're getting hugged right now.
No. I told you not to.

I'm giving you a hug.
No. Stay away. No.

RON: All my life,
I have avoided Europe

and its multitudes
of terribleness.

But it turns out,
much to my surprise,

there is actually
one place in Europe

that is worth seeing.

These tiny islands off
the coast of Scotland,

where God's chosen
elixirs are distilled,

barreled, and prepared
for consumption.

This is worth the trip.

"Dear Ron. You have now reached the
cliff sides overlooking the islands.

"As you sit here
and gaze upon the waters,

"please read out loud the poem by
the great Scotsman, Robert Burns.

"Love, Leslie."

"O were my love yon lilac fair

"With purple blossoms
to the spring

"And I a bird to shelter there

"When wearied on my little wing

"How I would mourn
when it was torn

"By autumn wild and winter rude

"But I would sing on wanton wing

"When youthful May
its bloom renewed"

I don't know what she thought
I'd get out of that.

BEN: Nice to be home.

It is. But, I mean, I love Pawnee.
I will always love Pawnee.

But London is amazing. And
Silkeborg sounds amazing.

And Mongolia sounds amazing.

Their mayor is a professional
wolverine wrangler.

Fine, Mongolia
sounds terrifying.

But the world is
a very big place,

and I've seen very little of it.

Maybe we should travel more,
expand our horizons.

You know, I've had
the same kinds of thoughts.

We should keep that in mind.

See where it leads us.

Yeah.

There's one more thing
I want to try. Hmm.

I got you something in London.

A traditional barrister's wig.

Oh.

Wear it for me.

Yeah?
Mmm-hmm.

All right.

What's up?

No. Not sexy.

Failed experiment.
Take it off.

Okay, just... Okay.
Just take it off. No.