This is a historic day.
At 12:01 this morning,
the city of Eagleton
ceased to exist
and was re-absorbed
back into Pawnee.
Things are exactly
the way they were
back in 1817, except, you know,
women and minorities can vote,
we have indoor toilets,
and we no longer burn widows
for learning arithmetic.
Councilwoman Knope
is your merger czar,
and in the binders
that she's provided,
you will find directions
to your department in Pawnee
that most closely matches
your department in Eagleton.
There are two
Eagleton departments
Pawnee does not have:
the Department
of Infinity Pool Design
and the Department of Dressage,
which I am told is
a fancy horse-riding thing.
It is horse-dancing, madam.
Okay, take it easy, Alonzo.
All you horse dancing people,
sit in your saddles if you will.
The rest of you,
welcome to your new departments.
Attention: Eagleton is
now under martial law.
No.
Okay, Pawnee Parks Department.
Soon, you will be paired up
with a person
who was roughly
your equivalent in Eagleton.
Donna, you'll be with Craig.
April, you'll be with someone
named Tynnyfer.
And Ron, your guy is
also named Ron.
Guess there's
no Tom Haverford equivalent.
Not surprised,
I'm one of a kind,
just like the custom Nikes
I designed
that say "Tommy's Tootsies"
across the toes.
You do have
a counterpart, actually.
His name is Eric,
and I've heard he's amazing.
Anyway, I also have
a little surprise.
I would like to introduce
our new filing temp.
- Hey, everybody.
- No!
No, why?
This can't be happening.
Why, Leslie?
We brought Jerry
out of retirement
because we have a mountain
of filing to get through.
- Welcome back, Jerry Gergic.
- Thank you, Leslie.
And as long
as we're starting out fresh,
Leslie, I was wondering
if people
would call me by my real name.
- Larry?
- No, it's not Larry.
It's Jerry.
No, it's Gary.
Your name is Larry,
Larry Gengurch.
His name is Larry Gengurch.
Come on, April,
it's already hard enough
for my family
when you call me "Gary."
- Jerry.
- Ha, ha, classic Larry.
Larry.
- Larry, Larry, Larry.
- Aw, jeez.
Look, I'm trying to save
as many jobs as possible,
but we're gonna have to
lose some people.
I'm not sure
who we should keep.
April, Tom and Donna are three
of the best human beings
that have ever lived.
Ron is basically a better
version of George Washington.
But...the Eagletonians
are probably good too.
Today, we are not just
merging two towns.
We're throwing
a birthday party for a new city.
Happy birthday, New Pawnee.
Party's over.
You guys lost millions
of taxpayer dollars,
and we have to clean up
the obscene mess you've made.
You're not as nice
as the other guy.
I don't care.
When we were state auditors,
we had an amazing system.
Yeah, Chris pumped everyone up
and made them feel positive
and happy.
And I swooped in and slashed
their budgets to ribbons.
Like a majestic alley-oop.
You're all amazing!
You're all fired.
Teamwork.
Hi, you've reached
the voicemail
of Larry Gengurch.
Please leave your message
after the tone.
Well, when Leslie called
to see if I could help,
Gayle and I were just getting
on a cruise ship
to the Bahamas.
I said, "Gayle, put that
bikini away,
because Pawnee needs me."
Oh ho! Somebody forgot
a banana in here--ooh!
Hi, I'm Donna.
Oh, that is the perfect
name for you.
I love it.
Never change it!
Wasn't gonna.
You're Craig, right?
Ugh, yes, but I hate that name.
It's so boring.
Sounds like someone's cousin.
Craig! Craig!
I want to be a Spanish man
named Terrence,
but that didn't happen.
Okay. So here's
my list of duties.
I'm basically
the office manager.
- How about you?
- Oh, I did everything.
Everything!
I carried the Eagleton
department on my shoulders
for years, and I loved
every second of it.
You don't even know!
I'm sorry,
was your name Jennifer?
No, it's Tynnyffer with two y's.
I used to be Jennifer,
but then I decided
to rebrand myself.
Oh, wait, hang on.
It's Xanax o'clock.
Um, well, nice to meet you.
My name's April,
and I just wanted to say
that your dress is so cute
it's bonks.
I saw my spinning
instructor wearing it,
and I was like, "Shut up.
Where do I get that?"
Oh, my God.
Who's your spinning instructor?
Gregory or Wynona?
I go to Yonis.
Who are Gregory and Wynona?
I've never
heard of them before.
- Are they better?
- Wynona rocks my world.
Seriously, you need
to get me in there.
Like, that's a must,
must, must.
She's the worst person
I've ever met.
I want to travel
the world with her.
Ron.
Ron.
Last name?
Dunne.
Is that your name,
or are you telling me
you're finished talking?
Both.
Dunne and done.
I like Ron.
- Hi.
- Well, well, well.
You must be Eric.
I'm Ragiv from I.T.
This is E.R.I.C.
E.R.I.C. is
a computer program?
Stands for Eagleton
Reservation Information Center.
It does all the scheduling
in Eagleton.
I'm here to install it.
But scheduling's
the main part of my job.
You still have a human being
in charge of booking
tennis courts?
What is this, 1990?
I guess that explains
the shoulder pads.
How did he notice these?
Hey, this is a surprise.
Yeah, I just wanted to
chat for a sec.
You know, just so you could
hear some things from me.
Verbal things from my mouth.
Did that sound weird?
- Is everything okay?
- Yeah, everything's fine.
First of all, this is Evelyn.
Oh, hello.
She is my Health Department
counterpart from Eagleton.
There really wasn't a ton
of work for me there.
Eagletonians are very healthy.
Oh, well, this might be
a very interesting challenge
for you,
because Pawnee has the very
first documented case
of mega-diabetes.
And the only know occurrence
of Lou Gehrig's other disease.
We've been written about
in textbooks.
Thanks, Evelyn, I'll
see you back in my office.
I just need to talk some more
words into Leslie's face.
Nice to meet you.
Ahem.
Wow. I feel sorry for her.
I mean, nobody can fill
your shoes, Ann.
With your tiny
little doll feet.
Actually, that's what
I wanted to talk to you about.
I, uh, I'm gonna step down,
and I'm gonna turn my job
over to Evelyn.
What? No.
Did somebody
put you up to this?
Was it Evelyn?
I knew she was a monster.
No.
No, no, no.
Chris and I have been talking,
and we are thinking
very seriously
about leaving Pawnee
and moving somewhere else
to start our family--
Oh, my God, look at that.
It's waffles!
- Delicious waffles.
- Wait.
Should we try?
Yeah, let's try.
- Huh?
- Mmm.
- Wait, what were you saying?
- Try.
Just enjoy. Yeah.
There we go.
So, if I'm hearing you correctly,
you're telling me you're not
thinking about leaving Pawnee.
I am thinking about leaving.
Is this one of those classic
Ann "not" jokes?
Like, "I'm leaving
Pawnee...not!"
I don't do that.
I was hoping
that you had started.
It's not definite.
It's just neither of us
are from Pawnee.
And I have a whole family
in Michigan.
And Chris is missing life
in a bigger city.
And I just wanted...
to talk to you about it
so you could hear it from me.
- Do you hear that galloping?
- Hmm?
Wha--oh, my--
look at that!
Joe Biden on a horse shirtless.
That's amazing!
Uh, I've got
a ton of work to do.
I'm super busy, so you...
can let yourself...
Look, if Ann wants to leave
Pawnee, I get it.
I mean, who wants to stay
in the greatest town
in the world
with her best friend
and be happy forever
when she can abandon
her soul sister like an old shoe
and move to a garbage city
full of jerks.
I get it.
No hard feelings.
- You have to text me.
- I will.
Sorry for the delay, ladies,
I was busy being
ambushed by treachery.
So did you have a chance
to compare notes
on your respective duties?
Totally.
Tynny and I have been, like,
totally bonding.
We've just been like blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah!
Like, talking, like,
so much forever.
- It was all so delicious.
- I know, right?
This is, like,
the best day ever.
I know, I'm eating it all up.
Wow. It's nice to see
a friendship blossoming
instead of wiling away
like a dying turd flower.
Totes.
Um, we also came up
with these nicknames
for each other.
Slut and Skank.
How craze-mazing
is that, Lez?
Well, you know what I think
is craze-mazing? Commitment.
I'm looking for someone who's
in it for the long haul.
We are basically creating
a new version of Pawnee,
and if Pawnee is gonna commit
to one of you,
you need to commit to Pawnee.
Tynnyfer, do you have kids?
Ew, no.
I've had so much rejuvenation
that I don't think a baby
could get out of there
if it tried.
You know it.
I guess we can make
a switch to Bermuda grass.
It's only 80 cents more
per square foot?
What? Gimme gimme gimme.
You want me to put Bermuda
grass in a continental climate
that's a six on beaufort scale?
In a park with zero drainage?
I want Kentucky bluegrass,
I want a 10 percent discount,
and I want you to apologize
to my best friend Donna!
Yeah, hi.
Is there--
and I'm just guessing here--
some kind of medication
that you maybe
need a lot of
and have taken none of
or maybe too much of today?
Oh, I have a medical
condition all right.
It's called caring too much!
And it's incurable!
Also I have eczema.
Okay, Eagleton Ron, tell me
a little about yourself.
Well, I love the outdoors,
love nature.
Amen.
I'm a big believer
in environmental conservation.
Recycling and composting
and the like.
I'm a yoga nut.
And I'm a nut nut.
They make delicious milks, man.
And I'm a vegan, of course.
Slowly working toward
full freegan-vegan.
What in God's name is
freegan-vegan?
You only eat vegetables
that have been thrown out
in people's dumpsters.
What is on your foot, sir?
My trusty sandals.
I believe a man's feet
should remain uncaged.
Same goes for all chickens.
Well, Eagleton Ron,
we here in Pawnee value
loyalty above all else.
So would you be opposed
to signing
an official loyalty pledge
to our new town?
As long as that new town
were open to the ideals
of communal living,
everyone pitches in
towards a common good.
In the immortal words
of Cat Stevens,
"If you want to be free,
be free."
I no longer like Ron.
E.R.I.C. is
an amazing program.
Fast, fun and easy to use.
But there's one thing
no man or machine
can b*at Tom Haverford at--
talking mad trash
till I get what I want.
This guy Eric is a disaster.
- What do you mean?
- Just a bad attitude.
"Oh, I hate this place.
Get me out here."
That kind of thing.
And unreliable.
And r*cist.
I think he may have even
been to jail.
Although, you know,
maybe those are just
regular face tattoos.
Wow. That's not good.
I should probably talk to him.
Well, let me see if can
turn him around.
I don't want to put this
on your plate.
You have a lot to deal with.
Thanks, Tom.
You're the best.
Okay, let's take a look
at this list of assets
owned by
the Eagleton government.
400 Segway scooters.
Sell 'em.
They're gone.
You had six full-time baristas
on the payroll.
The baristas are gone.
As are the masseurs.
And the full-time barista
who provided coffee
for the masseurs.
It is excellent
having the old band
back together again.
You know what?
This calls for some
celebratory lunges.
One...
two...
All right, Donna.
There's gonna have to be
some cutbacks.
I mean, your job
is secure, of course.
You're basically the glue
of this department.
But I think Craig's
gonna have to go.
No, you should keep him.
He's crazy intense,
but I've never met anyone
who cares more about this job.
Uh, Donna, I'm right here.
No joke.
He might care more than you.
Honestly, if I had to choose
between him and me,
- I'd choose him.
- Wait, what are you saying?
Are you thinking about leaving?
I wasn't planning on it,
but I could.
You know, I got the condo
in Seattle,
the fiance in Denver.
- Huh?
- It won't last.
Leslie, I would be happy
to go back into retirement
if you have to cut the staff.
What?
Even Larry wants out?
What the hell
is happening here?
Does everybody think
that running a town
is just some game
where people can come
and go as they please?
Okey-dokey, Leslie.
You're mad at me.
Don't take it out
on everybody else.
- It's not fair.
- I'll tell you what's not fair.
I'm gonna have to watch
the Oscars with Ben
alone this year.
Last year, don't you remember
Angelina Jolie
and the leg dress moment?
He had, and I quote,
"no comment."
How can you not have
an extreme reaction
about a dress like that?
It just doesn't make any sense!
- Okay, we need to talk.
- I'm sorry, Ann.
I can't understand you.
You've developed some accent
from that new town
you might move to!
It seems like
no one around here
understands the meaning
of loyalty.
I am the merger czar.
I make the rules.
And I'm gonna teach people
the meaning of loyalty
in a language
they will understand--
complicated legalese.
Knope,
what are these contracts?
It's just a little something
that I drew up
for all the employees
of the new town.
Basic boilerplate language,
50-year commitment,
blah, blah, blah.
I'm so sorry, honey,
but Tynny and I
won't sign anything until we
speak with our life coach.
When Eric saw this,
he smashed a bunch
of computers.
- Why are you doing this?
- What's the big deal?
I'm just trying to stop time
with legally-binding
friendship contracts.
What part of that
do you not understand?
You have lost your mind.
I think you need
a spa day, Les.
Fine! You only have to work
here until I'm dead!
Is that better?
What in the name of all
that is holy is that smell?
Yerba matte tea.
Sweetened with stevia.
It's an all-natural
plant extract.
Shut your damn mouth.
No need to curse.
There most certainly is.
Okay, all Eagleton people
meet me in the conference room.
All Pawnee people,
sit at your desks.
And take it personally.
I kind of feel like we
got off on the wrong foot,
so I made unity cookies
with the Pawnee town's
original colors
of blue and yellow.
However, I did not have
yellow frosting,
so I had to use mustard.
But do not worry.
I put tons of sugar on them,
so it will even it out.
Mmm!
Sugar mustard.
That's awful kind
of you, Leslie,
but I'm afraid those are
a little too sweet for me.
I unhooked from
that big sugar train
over 30 years ago.
You are a man of principle
and I respect that, cool Ron.
So, what's your story, new Ann?
You're kind of pretty.
I mean, you're not
"Ann" pretty,
but you have potential.
Thank you,
but I-I don't work
in this department.
Shut your kind of pretty mouth
and, uh, eat a mustard cookie.
Okay, so let's
chit-chat, huh?
Let's get to know each other
and then become
familiar best friends.
I don't have time for this.
I'm halfway through
designing a bamboo gazebo
as a tribute to
the founders of motown.
That's so Craig.
Oh, Craig!
We have fun, don't we?
Do you guys remember
when this all started
and I came in here
with the cookies,
and then Craig said
something so Craig
and we all laughed,
and we were like, "Craig!"
Do you think it would
be weird if we held hands?
- Probably.
- This way, please.
Excuse me, Ron, I am
talking to my best friends.
Let me go!
Best friends, att*ck Ron!
Ben, it has been an honor
watching you work today.
It's been like watching
Leonardo work.
Da Vinci or DiCaprio.
You're that good.
Thanks, man.
I was in the zone today.
This really has been
a lot of fun.
The old juice is back!
Hey, should we keep this going?
Celebratory dinner,
just like the old days?
Ben, that's a great idea.
Hey, you know what?
I know who I'm gonna use to
calculate tax and tip.
Me?
Can I just say something?
I'm having
so much fun right now.
Oh, my God, me too.
Like, so much fun.
Can I just say
something, though?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
You don't want this job.
Seriously, this place
is the pits.
It's like, if you worked here,
you'd be like, "Ugh!"
And Leslie would be like,
"Blah, blah, blah."
And you'd be like,
"Uh..."
Okay, can I say something?
Right now, I totally
think that you're right,
and I had been thinking about
going someplace warm
while my husband is in jail.
Oh, my God!
Can I just say something?
- Yes!
- Okay.
You should totally stay
at my house in Miami.
- What?
- I'm serious.
Come by anytime.
Just let yourself in.
The gate kind of jams
sometimes,
but you can just jump it.
You are so amazing right now.
You're like skinny
Mother Theresa.
It's Dwayne Wade's house.
I got his address
off the Internet.
I really hope he's there
when she walks in
and he throws a basketball
at her head.
Okay, enough is enough.
What is wrong with you, woman?
I don't need to explain
myself to you!
I am the czar.
I can do as I please.
Those who cross the czar
feel the wrath of the czar!
Ann is thinking about
leaving Pawnee.
Moving, with Chris.
Well, that's nice.
Nice, Ron? Edible
arrangements are nice.
This is
volcanically hot betrayal!
She is my best friend!
She's thinking about leaving,
just like that!
And she wants to
"talk to me" about it?
It's like, I don't even
know what to say.
That you love her and you
understand that it's her life,
and geography will never
change your feelings.
Whatever.
I don't even need her.
I've got Tynnyfer now,
and Craig,
and Eric, the r*cist drug dealer
who I've yet to meet.
Those are my real friends.
You can't force friendship,
Leslie.
It takes time.
I once thought I had a friend.
Then it turned out he was
the single worst person
I have ever met.
I agree with Ron, Leslie.
It's like Moz once said.
"Hold on to your friends."
Morrissey.
The Smiths.
You don't know Meat Is m*rder?
It's one of the best songs
ever written
about industrialized
beef consumption.
Okay, Eagleton Ron.
I think it might be time
for you to go.
This Ron has the position
pretty much locked up,
and, uh, I don't think
we have any room for you
in our department.
Fair enough.
I should have seen it.
Taurus and Capricorns
never mix, do they?
Just remember, Ron.
Giving in to hate is like
drinking saltwater.
The thirst only grows worse.
Leslie, remove this man
before I commit an act of
v*olence against him.
Whatever you do,
I won't fight back.
After I defeated him
in an epic struggle,
E.R.I.C. is gone.
He's been replaced
by T.O.M.--
Town-wide
Organizational Matrix.
Big plans tonight, Craig?
No, I have a ton of work to do.
Plus, my DVR
is 13 months pregnant
with episodes of Scandal.
Scandal's my favorite show.
I love every character,
except for...
Mellie.
Oh!
Of course you like Scandal!
Because you're amazing!
I love you.
And no matter what happens
with this job,
I will always love you.
Excuse me!
Who even are you?
How's your salad?
Well, it's called
the "Good Earth Salad,"
but really, it's just cheese,
toffee, and gummy bear worms.
This town is really unhealthy.
You know, I forgot
that this part
of being accounting bros
was actually pretty depressing.
I mean, after the intense,
almost meth-like high
of solving accounting puzzles,
we were always just b*at
at the end of the day.
I actually think
it's something else.
Back in the day,
this was all we had.
We'd go into a town,
we'd fix problems.
We'd go back
to some rundown motel.
Yeah, you'd exercise.
I'd re-watch Twin Peaks,
then hit the Twin Peaks
message boards
and read The Secret Diary
of Laura Palmer
to find Easter Eggs I'd missed.
But now, Ann and Leslie
are our real partners.
Yeah.
It's a good thing.
But you were a fine surrogate
before we found them.
Just so you know,
we're thinking of moving.
Don't know where yet.
Maybe Michigan,
to be with Ann's family.
Wow.
That makes me kind of sad.
But also incredibly happy
for you and Ann.
We have come a long way.
Something healthy!
A cherry tomato.
Nope.
A gumball.
Ooh!
What I really want to
say is, I'm sorry.
You're my best friend.
This whole thing is just
scary and confusing.
I love you.
I want to talk about this,
all of this, whatever it means.
Was that okay?
I guess it's good.
Again, I barely know
you or Ann,
so I don't have much
to go off of.
- Well...
- Hey, Leslie.
Hey.
Uh, you are excused, Fake Ann.
That was six hours well spent.
I thank you.
Looks like you've made
all your decisions.
Well, almost.
What were you talking
to Evelyn about?
Nothing.
It's not important.
The only thing
that's important is you.
I'm ready to talk about this.
I want to talk about this.
Is now a good time?
Yes.
Now is a great time.
06x04 - Doppelgängers
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Public officials in an Indiana town pursue a series of projects to make their city a better town.
Public officials in an Indiana town pursue a series of projects to make their city a better town.