06x05 - Gin It Up!

[bunniefuu]

Hey, I've gained a lot
of ground in the polls. That's good news.

Yeah, I have you down
only four points,

but they're running a ton
of new negative ads.

Maybe you should fight back.

Ben, your heart's
in the right place.

Your heart and your butt.

I will not go negative.

Crap on a turd!

Care for a "Recall Knope"
gift bag?

The committee to recall
Leslie Knope is relentless.

Look what they're handing out
at elementary schools.

[Recorded voice]
I'm Leslie Knope.

Tell your parents to recall me.

[Extensive flatulence]

We all know that I cannot
spend as much money on ads

as my opponent, but I printed
out 10,000 "Don't" stickers

and 10,000 question mark
stickers.

That way, if you see a sign
and it says "Recall Knope,"

all you need to do is add
the question mark

and the "Don't,"
and suddenly, it reads,

"Recall Knope?
Don't."

Why don't you
just put the "Don't"

in front of "Recall Knope"?

Yep, that's a much better idea.

Can I have these
question mark stickers?

Why?

I want to put them
on stop signs.

April, no!

[Triumphant music]

♪

Hi. Um, I need to talk to
somebody about reserving a park.

Oh, we have a new policy.

Parks can only be reserved
for witch covens

or slip-and-slide
competitions.

Which one are you?

Uh,
slip-and-slide competition.

- Seriously?
- No.

Why would you even compete
in something like that?

It doesn't matter.

Um, I called earlier about
the free vaccinations thing.

We're hoping to set up
a mobile hospital

in one of your parks.

I'm sorry, is there
something wrong with him?

Tom, this witch wants to
reserve a park

for her satanic ritual.

Can you help her?

[British accent]
Right. Smashing.

Uh, yes, I'm Thomas Haverford.

I sort of run
the whole department.

Um, what was the name, then?

Uh, Nadia Statsky.

I'm from Doctors
Without Borders.

Brilliant.
The old "D"s without "B"s.

Uh, we can definitely help.

Yeah, Tom's your guy.

He actually used to run
the Parks Department

in his home country of Russia.

[Laughs] This one is mental.

She's joking, obviously.

How could I be from Russia?

Not with this spot-on
British accent.

We can definitely
get you sorted.

Right this way.

Okay.

Whoa. I am pretty sure you
shouldn't have a w*apon at work.

Literally everything
is a w*apon, son.

That folder, in my hands,
is far deadlier

than this bow in yours.

Oh, that's...
probably true.

So, Leslie and I just
finished putting together

our will, and she wants you
to be the witness.

You mind signing it?

That's your will?

You need that many pages
to say,

"Give my stuff to my wife"?

It's a complicated
legal document.

It doesn't have to be.

I've had the same will
since I was eight years old.

"Upon my death,
all of my belongings

"shall transfer
to the man or animal

who has k*lled me."

What are these weird symbols?

The man who kills me will know.

Okay, you should really
have a will

that's more than
one sentence long.

You have a wife and kids now.

I could introduce you
to our lawyer.

The three most useless
jobs in the world

are, in order, lawyer,
congressman, and doctor.

Pass.

Ron, that document is nothing.

It's not even notarized.

You know, if you die

and you don't have a real will,

most of what you own
will go to the government.

Where is this lawyer
you speak of?

I'm pleased to
formally submit Bill 68-J,

which funds a new bike path
in Ramsett Park.

- Motion to table this bill.
- Second.

- I also submit Bill 68-R.
- Motion to table.

Second.

You guys want to delay
all my bills? Fine.

I'm just gonna
keep my head down

and continue to get work done.

All right, well, uh,
motion to end this session early

so nothing can get done.

Second.

Gahhh, you guys are the worst!

Sorry, Knope.

We're just looking for
any possible way

to get you recalled
because we don't like you.

- It's nothing personal.
- It absolutely is personal.

That is the definition
of "personal."

"The definition of personal."
[Recording of passing gas]

[Laughter]

Excuse me, we have an issue.

A tweet has been tweeted from
the Parks and Rec Twitter,

and I'm afraid it is quite
sexually graphic.

[Groans]

It's probably just
some bored teenager

who hacked the account.

Whoever it is,
it's quite serious.

I don't want you to get
recalled Knope,

but damn, these people know how
to pick a neck massager.

And before you get on my case
about those stickers,

I already did 'em.

Donna, there is
trouble a-brewin'.

We think that you
may have accidentally

tweeted from
the Parks and Rec account

rather than your own
personal account.

Uh-oh.
What'd it say?

"See you tonight.

"Hope you like tongue baths,

you big, nasty fireman."

Then there's a picture
of a pair of lips

and then a picture
of an eggplant.

I'm both confused, and if
we're being totally honest,

a little aroused.

Ew.

Not to give you too much of
a peek into my personal life,

but this could have been
way worse.

What's important is,
we deleted the tweet,

and nobody is gonna know
it's you,

but Donna, you know, be more
careful in the future.

This almost blew up in my face.

[News theme music]

I'm here live,
at a press conference,

where Councilman Jeremy Jamm

will discuss
a government scandal

we are calling
"Twitter Watergate"

until we can find
a snappier name for it.

Tongue baths?
Eggplants?

Firemen?

Those men are heroes
who deserve respect!

9/11!
[Cheers and applause]

This is how Leslie Knope
runs her Parks Department?

We are going to hold
hearing after hearing,

until we are satisfied.

This will be blown
way out of proportion!

You have my word on it!
[Cheers and applause]

[TV turns off]
Ugh.

Ooh, this is bad.
I'm gonna get fired.

No one is getting fired, okay?

Jamm is trying to use this
to hurt me in the recall.

He's trying to take me down,

and he's willing to att*ck
my friends in the process?

- No. No way. Not on my watch.
- Not on her watch.

He is not gonna
Sully your name.

No sullying allowed!

Don't worry about it, Donna.

We're gonna nip this
in the bud.

Guard your buds, 'cause
they're about to get nipped!

- Okay.
- Okay.

So, why does Doctors
Without Borders

want to come to Pawnee?

Pawnee is like
a petri dish of weird diseases.

Did you know you have a higher
rate of the West Nile virus

than the actual Western Nile?

Sorry, West Nile,
looks like Pawnee wins again.

What else have you beaten
the Western Nile in?

Cricket.
Uh...

just fill out these forms,
and we will be all set

like two biscuits inside a tin.

So, you've gone insane.
That's fun.

I just panicked.

She's so out of my league,

my brain just made me
talk that way

so I'd seem cooler.

What should I do?

Nothing!
This is amazing.

- April.
- Fine.

If you want to have
a chance with her,

obviously, you have to stop.

It's either that,
or you talk like that

for the rest of your life.

You think she'd marry me?

All right, just let me
do the talking here, okay?

I mean, he's a lawyer,
I'm an accountant.

We speak the same language.

I mean, obviously, accountants
are a little more bad boy,

but, uh,
there's a respect there.

- When will this be over?
- Hey, Trevor.

I've been talking to Ron
about estate planning,

and he is here to do
some "Good Will Hunting."

Because he has to
draw up a new will, so--

Yes, I understood,
Mr. Wyatt. Thank you.

As I've said before,
I just don't like puns.

Oh, well, my accountant
friends seem to enjoy 'em.

Mr. Swanson, let's begin
by filling out this form,

listing your assets
and liabilities.

Nice try.

I'm not telling you
how much money I have,

where it's hidden,
or which precious metals

and/or gemstones it may
or may not take the form of.

If you don't give me
the information I need,

there's nothing I can do.

Oh, come on, Trevor.

Where there's a "Will,"
there's a way.

I'm gonna say this
one last time, Wyatt.

Check the accountant crap
at the door.

Yes, sir, I will.

Unintentional.

All right, let's begin.

These hearings have two goals.

One, to find out exactly
how this offensive tweet

came to be sent.

And two,
to turn this whole thing

into a media circus.

Ms. Knope, do you have
a statement?

Well, it's actually
quite simple.

Uh, a Parks and Rec
employee forgot to log out

of the Parks and Rec
Twitter account,

they posted a personal, of the Parks
and Rec private message by accident,

and, uh, that person
is very sorry,

and it won't happen again.

Stop stonewalling

and tell us what happened here!

I just told you what happened.

It was an unfortunate mistake.

Okay, sadly,
due to your "intracksidence"--

Not a word.

We may never find out
what happened.

When this sick, depraved tweet
first came to light,

you said, "The account
was probably hacked

by some bored teenager."

Now you're saying
it's an unfortunate mistake.

Why do you keep
flip-flopping?

Well, because I learned
new information.

When I was four,
I thought that chocolate milk

came from brown cows,

and then I flip-flopped
when I found out

that there was something
called chocolate syrup.

I don't think I'm
out of line when I say

that this scandal makes Benghazi
look like whitewater!

It's utterly meaningless.

I think we need to hear
from the unnamed employee

behind the tweet.

- Perhaps he or she--
- Or them.

It could be a bunch
of hot ladies.

Yes, perhaps "them"

can finally give us
the answers we need.

What, what, what?
There she is.

Nadia, I didn't know
what you wanted,

so I got you a cappuccino,
a latte,

four bags of coffee beans,
and a mini espresso machine.

What happened to your accent?

Oh, yeah.
It's gone. Huh.

You know, I had a cold
recently.

I think that may have
affected my voice,

like, in certain British ways.

Well, that's all there is
to that story,

so no need for
any more questions.

You have a cold?

Can I feel your glands?

Sure.

Wow, you are wearing a lot of
moisturizer on your throat.

Best way to prevent crow's neck.

Is this glitter?

So, those are the forms.

You filled 'em out.
Great.

April's gonna file these.

Hey, when is the thing
you're doing in the park?

I'd love to come by and maybe
help administer vaccines?

Oh. Are you a doctor,
somehow?

No.

No follow-up to that?
Okay, great.

Um, well, I'm not actually gonna
be attending the event,

so if you could
just give me the permit,

so that I can go home
to Indianapolis

and never come back here?

I am in love with Nadia
Whatever-her-last-name-is,

and I'm gonna keep her here,

using the most powerful
w*apon I have--

bureaucratic incompetence.

Oh, no. You filled out
Form 3208.

You were supposed to
fill out Form 3248.

Oh, God.

This is to lease a hangar
at the airport.

I know. It's so crazy,
it almost sounds made up.

Bureaucracy, right?

What are you gonna do?
Huh. Weird.

Someone left out a blender,
fresh fruits, and rum?

I guess we gotta, like,
make Daiquiris now.

I like to have music on
while I work, you know?

[Music playing]

What is this place?

[Gavel bangs]

Ms. Meagle,
let me first say

that I am a big fan
of your writing.

Thank you.

It's good stuff.

Really good stuff.

Okay, does anyone else here
see a double standard?

Councilman Dexhart
is currently being sued

by two different women
for sexual harassment,

one of whom was the judge
in the first woman's trial.

She was talking dirty to me.

She was reading the emails

that you sent
to the first woman.

Look, I obviously

never meant to embarrass
the parks department.

My personal account
is set to "private."

Yeah, I don't even know
what she writes on there!

Well, you may not know
what she's writing, but we do.

In a shocking twist
to an already juicy story,

we have obtained access
to Ms. Meagle's account,

via a third party.

Same hairdresser.

Damn it, Typhoon!
Why'd you do this?

Maybe if you had bothered

to come to my Great Gatsby
Brunch, you'd know.

I don't even need
an exact number.

Just ballpark it.

That's all I need
to get started.

Or, I'm sure
the state government

would love to use your money

to hire more bureaucrats,
maybe build a library.

Fine, a ballpark figure.

Thank you.
God.

Holy [bleep].

Is this a joke?

Another word for "jokes"
is "lies."

I do not lie.
Therefore, I do not joke.

Mr. Swanson,
an estate of this size

means that your children

would never have to work
a day in their lives.

This is going to take
some time.

Trusts need to be drawn,
tax shelters.

That's enough.

I do not need some drawn-out
legal expedition

to tell me what I knew
when I was eight.

Here's my original will.

Do whatever lawyer nonsense
you have to

to make it official,
and I will sign it.

Good day.

Wait.
What are all these symbols?

[Laughs]

I was right not to be
threatened by you.

Okay, I would like to
enter into the record

a selection
of Ms. Meagle's tweets.

Uh-oh. Uh, can I request
a brief recess?

It's okay, Donna. I'm not
gonna let them fire you.

Yeah, it's not me
I'm worried about.

Ms. Beavers,
if you please.

Yesterday, 9:02 A.M.

"Annoying-ass Leslie

"has given me another
annoying-ass task.

#stickers, #bitchboss."

- [Laughs]
- September 25th.

"Twitter poll: On a scale
of 98 to 100,

"how annoying is Leslie Knope?

"Cuz u know it ain't
less than 98.

All my #trueblood fans
know what's up."

Page after page of personal
att*cks on Leslie Knope.

Not only do you have no control
over your department,

you don't even have the respect
of your employees.

That's what you really
think of me?

You think I'm annoying?

Leslie, sometimes
you're kind of annoying.

I mean, I thought
that was your thing.

My thing? My thing
is not being annoying.

My things are making
friendship bracelets

and dancing like
nobody's watching,

thinking up really cool
nicknames for my friends.

You of all people should
know that, El Diablo!

Look, the only reason
I'm even on Twitter

is to blow off steam about work

and tweet nasty stuff to dudes
with washboard abs.

You really think I hate you,

after all we've been through
the last ten years?

I honestly don't know anymore.

[Gavel bangs]

Okay, I think we've done
a lot of good here today.

Leslie, I am sorry, but I could not
postpone

these pointless hearings
that Jamm is having.

He is just determined.

Well, thank you for trying.

I have a question for you.

Do you think I'm annoying?

- No.
- Are you lying?

- No.
- Are you trying to protect my feelings?

No.

Do you think I'm being
annoying right now?

- Yes.
- So you do think I'm annoying.

I think that you ask a lot

of the people
that you work with,

and I think that people do
what you ask

because they love you.

But, I also think that driving
people as hard as you do

can ruffle some feathers.

I think a lot of things.
I like thinking.

And racquetball.

Now who's annoying?

I spent the last hour

reading some of Donna's
old tweets,

and it turns out
there are some more things

that she said about you.

"Message to the recall haters:

"You can't keep
Leslie Knope down.

"She's too real for this ish.

#bossbitch."

"Leslie Knope is stepping up
at these hearings

"and taking a b*llet for me.

#sisterfromanothermister,
#bossbitch."

It appears,
whereas "bitch boss"

is clearly an indication
of her frustration,

"boss bitch"
is a term of endearment.

Isn't language fun?

It's like racquetball
for your mouth!

[Sighs]

Did you change your outfit?

I changed five times,
and she hasn't noticed yet.

I can only stall for so long.
What should I do?

Um, I just finished
filling this one out.

I didn't know what to put for
"Name of commercial airline,"

because I do not operate
a commercial airline,

so I just made one up.

What did you name
your imaginary airline?

"Jet Blue Ivy."

I figure Jay-Z
and Beyonce's kid

will own her own airline
eventually.

She's the one.

So, can I have
my permit now? Finally?

Uh, no, there was a mistake,

and we gave the park
to someone else.

What?

Maybe I can drive you around

and we'll pick another one?

Maybe I'll bring
a picnic lunch.

Do you like tamales?

You said that that park
was ours.

You said it a long time ago,

in a British accent.

I probably shouldn't say this,
as a doctor.

It's probably not cool.

But I really hope you all
get West Nile virus.

Nice meeting you, April.

Kind of.
You're weird too.

Thank you.

[Knocks]

We need to talk.

That has never been true.

I think I know
what's happening.

Thinking about how to
divide up your possessions

for when you die,

it's tough, confronting
your own mortality,

and I think it's got you
spinning a little bit.

Am I right?

Wow.

I had not considered that.

Yes, I think that maybe
you are on to something.

Yeah.

Just know that it's
perfectly healthy

to be thinking about--

Oh, you're joking.

Yes, son, I am.

First joke ever.

Don't care for it.

Death does not scare me.

What I am worried about
is spoiling my children.

I don't want 'em to be
the kind of people

who never work,
live off their trust funds,

who buy their wooden furniture.

I will leave my children
$50 apiece

for the cab home
from my funeral

and a steak dinner,
end of discussion.

Okay.

I mean, look, it doesn't matter

how much money
you leave your kids.

What matters is that you teach
them the right values.

But, if something
horrible happens,

and you want your kids
to be left alone

with no safety net,

just so they can learn
some kind of weird lesson,

then, by all means,
leave your fortune

to the wild boar
who gores you to death.

I'd never lose to a boar.

[Dart hits board]

I'm sorry if I can be
little annoying at times,

but one person's annoying

is another person's
inspiring and heroic,

so, you know,
who are we to judge?

And I'm sorry
for writing those things.

Some of those things.

I can't promise
that I won't be inspiring

and heroic in the future.

And I can't promise that I
won't complain about it.

Deal.

I got you an apology present.

Oh!

It is all of
your favorite lipsticks

and nail polishes,

and I got the same ones too.

I printed out a schedule,

so we can wear them
at the same time.

Now, I would like you
to open each one

in front of me, and tell me

how you feel about them
individually.

Let me take a picture.

Are you tweeting this?

Mm-hmm.

What's the hashtag gonna be?

"Boss bitch" or "bitch boss"?

Yeah,
it's "psycho boss."

Eh, I don't hate that.

Benjamin, after thinking
about what you said,

I've decided to leave

each of my children
5% of my fortune.

Wow, 5 whole percent.

So, I guess you are gonna
teach them a lesson.

Oh, my God, that's 5%?

That is a lot of money.

Wait, is this a joke?

It is not a joke.

Not that an accountant
would know the difference.

Also, if something should
happen to Diane and me,

we decided
that the kids should go

to the most important
people in our lives.

Ron, I'm--I'm incredibly
flattered.

Ralph Piatkowski
and his wife Helen.

He's the Maitre D'
at Mulligan's Steakhouse,

and he knows me
better than anyone.

However, if they are not
able to do it,

which seems likely,
as they're in their 90s,

you and Leslie
are choice number two.

I'm honored.

Everyone, take your seats,

so this witch hunt
may proceed as scheduled.

Speaking of, uh,
where are the witches?

They're right here!

Well, we're not witches.
That's sexist and offensive.

But we're right here,

and we are not gonna
sit in this room

and let you drag our names
through the mud

just to score some
cheap political points.

How dare you demean the value

of the political points
I'm scoring?

We have had enough.

I am going back to work so I can
do some good for this town,

and my friend Donna
is coming with me.

Hmm.
I prefer "El Diablo."

Uh, this is not over,
Ms. Knope!

Donna, quit punishing me!

- I miss you.
- Uh-uh!

Bridge b*rned, Typhoon.

Or should I say, "Norman"?
Uh-huh.

Okay, I'm just gonna man up,

tell her how I feel,

and hope she feels
the same way about me,

and that's that.

If she doesn't,
no big deal. It's done.

I'm an adult.
Let's do it.

Great.

Nope, I can't do it.
New plan.

Tell her all the screw-ups
were your fault.

I'll tell her I had to
cover for you,

because you are so dumb.

Nadia!

We're very sorry for everything
you went through today.

I have reserved the park
for your event.

Now, April has something
she'd like to admit.

Tom wants me to tell you that
all the screw-ups were my fault,

but really, he kept messing up
so that you would

stay in Pawnee
as long as possible

because he is super into you.

Okay.

Several questions.

- Is any part of him British?
- No.

So, that was just weird,
panicky dude behavior?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

I'm just trying to figure out

if acting that insane
is, like, romantic,

or totally scary.

I'll go with romantic.

He is kind of cute.

What's his deal?

He's sweet, he's cool,

and you're, like,
way out of his league,

so there's literally
no risk for you at all here.

Okay.

Well, I am going
to Rwanda in, like,

two weeks for my job,
so, what the hell?

Cool.

So, you want to go out with me?

Yes, please.

Okay. Bye.

Okay, you owe me,
like, 1,000 favors.

See ya.