06x08 - Fluoride

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Parks and Recreation". Series aired April 9, 2009 to February 24, 2015.*
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Public officials in an Indiana town pursue a series of projects to make their city a better town.
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06x08 - Fluoride

Post by bunniefuu »

We're gonna have some
fun tonight, Pawnee!

Who is ready to play 60?

- Everybody on the field!
- Yeah!

The NFL has a campaign to try to get
kids active for 60 minutes per day.

And so we bused in a hundred
lucky, little buggers from Pawnee.

And they are gonna get a
chance to play with the Colts.

Oh! Come on, Reggie! I told
you to run a button hook.

- I did, Leslie.
- Okay.

I guess you would know.

A pleasure to see you
again, Mr. Luck.

We met briefly last year at
our friend's bachelor party.

Oh, yeah. Right. How are you?

I normally don't answer that question,
but since I respect your talent,

I will tell you--

- I am fine.
- Hi, I'm April. I stole your wallet.

- You guys are weird.
- Thank you.

- What's up, girl?
- Keep walking, 98.

You don't even want to talk to
that guy? He plays for the NFL.

He's a linebacker.

Skill positions only
for Donna Meagle.

I got my Colts beanie, my Colts
scarf, I got the Colts grill going,

and the crowning glory--
Colts slippies.

How are you going
to run in those?

"Run"? Tommy doesn't run.
That's your guys' job.

Now, uh, let's go fetch
this football throw, fellas.

I love sports.

Check it out, Tom--
the Eagleton reservoir.

- Isn't it stunning?
- It's just a big dumb pond.

This morning I saw a YouTube clip of
a little puppy riding a motorcycle.

So my bar for "stunning"
is pretty high.

What if I told you that
this water has fluoride in it?

Then I would tell you the
puppy had a little side car

with a piggy in it
named Hampton.

First of all, send me
a link to that video.

But more importantly,
now that we have access

to the Eagleton reservoir and
the water-treatment supply,

Pawnee is going to have fluoride in its
water for the first time in our history,

our oral history. Nailed it.

Of course I'm upset that I
lost the recall election.

But I'm just gonna spend
the remainder of my term

cramming in as many
good projects as I can.

Lame duck?
Try flame duck...

'cause this duck is on fire.

It's hard doing stupid government
stuff now that Rent-a-Swag's closed.

I'm a businessman.
That's what I was born to do.

Well, look, you just got to make
the most of the job that you have.

Like, take that trash collector.

It's not the most glamorous
job in the world,

but he's doing it with
a smile on his face.

Oh, my God.

He's not wearing any pants.
What's wrong with him?

- Let's get out of here.
- He's smiling at us!

Let's go! Run!

Hey. What's up, guys?

Look what Ron made.
It's amazing.

Several months ago, I was on a
walk and found my crib tree.

I approached the tree, m*rder*d it,
left it to cure in my woodshop,

and have begun working it into
a crib for my upcoming child.

Ron Swanson, you
cannot use this crib.

You're ignoring every known
crib-safety standard.

It's all covered in the
parenting book I'm reading.

Are you going to crawl my way?
By Lenny Kravitz.

My crib will be safe because I'm
building it with my own two hands.

I bought my crib
in Bloomington,

and I am confident that it is literally
the safest crib in the explored universe.

Let me take you there, and you
can talk to the salesperson.

Counteroffer-- you take me
nowhere, and I talk to no one.

Counter-counteroffer--

you come with me, or I make you attend a
four-hour fax cover-sheet protocol meeting.

Either way, it's a win for me.

Next on the docket is a vote to approve
the Pawnee-Eagleton reservoir merger.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

We're just goosing our water
supply with fluoride?

I mean, come on. Are we really
gonna force every Pawnee resident

to ingest a chemical
we know nothing about?

Fluoride is used by the
communists to control our minds.

- No, it's not.
- Fluoride can control minds?

Like, you can use it to
make ladies do stuff?

How am I the one that is getting
booted off of this city council?

Okay, fluoride is safe,
it is good for you,

and almost every town
in America uses it.

Ah, all right. You got me.

I don't want fluoride in the water because
I'm a dentist, and I like cavities.

Yeah, that is not
a valid reason.

Pawnee's cavity problem is
why a small-town dentist,

like me, can afford
such a boss ride.

Got an Asian girl
to sit in it once.

Why did we come out here?

Come on, Jamm. Fluoride in the
water-- it's a no-brainer.

Can't you just let me
have this one?

No can do, Knopey.

As a matter of fact, I would
like to propose my own bill--

the Pawnee Clean Water Bill,
which prohibits adding anything

to our water supply forever.

Jamm's not going to be able to
k*ll this reservoir merger, is he?

On my side, I have facts,
science, and reason.

All he has
is fear-mongering.

Oh, my God, he's gonna win.

Yeah, people get jittery
about stuff like this.

Remember last year when no
one would get flu sh*ts

'cause there was a rumor
they turned you European?

- Well, I'll figure something out.
- Oh, Jessica's here. I better go.

- Okay, bye.
- Hey, sugar butt.

Some lardos in Muncie ate
tainted Sweetums toffee sticks

and diarrhea'd so much, they
ended up in the hospital.

- Ugh.
- Can we give their school,

like, a new seesaw or something?

Yeah. Thanks.

The new site looks good.
Nice work.

Oh, my God. These
dogs are so cute.

I want to throw up
and k*ll myself.

Animal control had to take in
all the pets from Eagleton.

And Crazy Craig used to
run all their shelters,

so he helped me make an adoption
website for all the dogs.

If you can look at that site and
not want to take home 50 dogs,

you're basically
a w*r criminal.

See the way that dog is
rolling around in a puddle?

That's something Andy does
when he gets hot.

Oh, my God, you're right.
That is so Andy.

- Oh, my God. That dog is totally...
- Tom!

I don't know why. It doesn't
look like him. But it just is.

It's like the dog is
the essence of Tom.

Okay, important meeting in the
conference room right now.

We are going to all
pick our spirit dogs.

Oh, I've got to pick up Gayle
at the airport.

Larry, I swear to God,

if you leave right now, we will make
your spirit dog a miniature schnauzer.

- Is that bad?
- Yes!

Get in there!

Ann found this place.

It's where we bought our
"Sounds of Nature" machine.

You bought a machine that
replicates an open window?

Frasier! Chris Traeger.
Do you remember me?

I came in here looking for the
Vanna White book on child care--

I'd like to solve the
puzzle of parenting.

Could you show my friend, Ron, that
amazing crib that you sold me?

The Babylove L'il Sweetheart
Safe 4 Ever and Ever model.

Oh, yeah, that thing
is a deathtrap.

- I'm sorry? - Just found out this
morning-- it's being recalled.

They found maxicylofentabol
in the glue.

Is that good?
It sounds bad.

It b*rned off my fingernails.

I'll be in the car.

Councilwoman Leslie Knope
wants to put fluoride,

which is a chemical, into
your drinking water.

You know what else is a chemical?
Strychnine and cyanide.

- What? - And dirt... and rust
and even broken glass.

Exactly.

You definitely understand
what chemicals are, Perd.

I would suggest if you want
to contact the psychopath

that wants to turn your kids into
bad-at-math, communist fluoride zombies,

well, just call the number
at the bottom of your screen.

Leslie Knope.

Stop right there.
You know what?

Fluoride protects your teeth, and
it's perfectly healthy for you.

Well, if Jamm says that,
then he is a lying idiot,

and if you believe it,
then so are you.

Whoa. You just talked to that
person like I talk to you.

- You can't do that.
- Why not?

What are they gonna do,
kick me out of office?

Why did it take me so
long to realize this?

There are no consequences
to my actions anymore.

No matter what I do, literally
nothing bad can happen to me.

I'm like a white, male U.S.
senator.

Fluoride is going into
the water, moron.

Oh. Hey, mom. Sorry.

Because all it does
is prevent cavities!

God! I expected more from you.

Right.
I'm a loose cannon.

We need to fight
fire with fire.

I call a town hall meeting,
I gather everyone together,

I distribute the binders,

but now the binders are
bright yellow!

Boom!

- Too extreme?
- Too nothing.

Look, Jamm's already ruined fluoride.
Everyone's scared of it.

What if we just called it
something else?

- What do you mean?
- I mean we rebrand.

No one cared about Calvin Broadus until he
started calling himself Snoop Doggy Dogg.

Then when people got tired of
that, he went by Snoop Dogg,

and now he's Snoop Lion.

What's he gonna be in ten
years--Snoop Laser Snake?

- Who knows? - What are you
saying-- we need to sex up fluoride?

I don't know, Tom. It's a
pretty sexy topic already.

Leslie, you got to give people
something to get excited about.

You told me to make
the most of my job.

I'm good at this stuff.

Now, are you a loose
cannon or not?

Yeah.

I'm as loose as a goose.
Do your thing, Tom.

Aw.

Now, remember, it's about finding
a dog that captures your spirit.

See? This is Craig.

Oh, no! That is insane! I will burn this
place to the ground if you pick that one!

Okay, good choice.

You guys, Leslie.

Yes!
And...

Ron Swanson.

- Oh!
- Oh, my God. This is Larry.

- That's great.
- Bingo. Donna. Nailed it.

Ooh.

Because you're pretty and
you like makeup and stuff.

Game over.

Ron, I want to do
things the Swanson way.

Wonderful. First rule-- no conversation
lasts longer than 100 total words.

You have used 9.
I have used 20.

- Continue.
- Fun.

I'd like you to teach me
to build a crib.

Why do you need to
build your own crib?

Because I no longer trust anything
other than my own two hands.

- It is debilitating, but exciting.
- Okay, we'll go to my woodshop at lunch.

Wonderful. Look at us--

both standing on the
cusp of fatherhood.

I know we haven't spent
a lot of time together,

- but--
- 100.

All right, so, in conclusion...

fluoride, chemical,

tiny genitals, misinformation,
panic, death, Jenny McCarthy.

Well, I don't know, councilman.

That was a little dry.

What do you say we
have some fun, huh?

Check this.

Plain water?
Yuck.

I'm bored.

Then try this.

What the-- what just happened?

That water contains
teeth dazzler,

which makes your teeth stronger
and starts a party in your mouth.

What?
Fluoride's boring, guys.

Boo!

Welcome to T-dazzle.
It's not a chemical.

It's an aquatic-based
social-media oral experience.

Everyone who tweets
at T-dazzle in the next hour

will be entered to win an
exciting plain blue T-shirt.

I say "T," you say "dazzle."

- "T."
- Dazzle.

- "T."
- Dazzle.

- "T."
- Dazzle.

Thank you for the
woodworking lesson, Ron.

This whole crib-recall thing has got
me literally rethinking everything

I thought I knew
about parenting.

What sleep method
will you be using--

Ferber, Sears?

Swanson method,

where you close your
eyes and fall asleep.

I really wish Ron would engage,

but he exudes so much wisdom
that I can learn parenting tips

simply by being
in his presence.

Someone like Ron is teaching
even when they're not teaching.

Does that make sense?

My anxiety has kept me
up for over 50 hours.

Our polling shows that 72% of citizens are
in favor of adding T-dazzle to their water,

effectively k*lling Councilman
Jamm's so-called Clean Water Bill.

Eat it, Jamm.
I won.

Apology accepted.

You know, I've actually come around
to your way of thinking on this.

My only thought is,
why stop here?

Ladies and gentlemen, Sweetums
president Jessica Wicks.

Whoo!

Look, we all love T-dazzle.

But we can do more to improve
our drinking supply.

Sweetums is excited to propose an
alternative to boring municipal water.

We call it "Drink-ems"!

Whoo!

Sweetums is prepared to take over
the management of Pawnee's water.

This is gonna save this town
beaucoup bucks.

Take a sip of this
delicious water

and imagine it coming
out of your faucets at home.

This water is filled with sugar.

There's absolutely no way
we are doing this.

Too late. We're gonna fill the
whole reservoir with this stuff.

Checkmate.

Did you bring those with
you just to do that?

- Maybe.
- Damn.

It is a baller move. What are
we gonna do now, Leslie?

Hey. Okay, are you still mad
at me about the poodle thing?

It was just a dumb game.
I can pick another dog.

I'm not mad about the choice.

I'm mad about your reasons.

"Pretty," "makeup"-- is
that all you know about me?

We don't hang out that much.

It's not like you know
a ton about me.

You're beautiful,
yet cold and aloof.

You pride yourself
on being a loner.

You do not obey, you
choose to cooperate.

And when you stop baring your fangs
to pick a mate, it's for life.


And you're fiercely loyal
to your pack,

which makes you a rare
black Siberian husky.

That was so spot-on,
it was scary.

I need to go lie
down for 45 minutes.

No, an hour...

a full hour.

Good morning.

This won't take long.

Simply put, it would be madness

to let Sweetums take over our water
supply and pump it full of sugar.

What's next--

cookie dough toothpaste?

Bad example.
That would be amazing.

My point is, Sweetums is an
evil, profit-hungry corporation

that is ruining our health.

Ever since Sweetums opened its
doors, obesity is up 100%.

It's unacceptable.

Down with that poison-peddling
corporate monster.

Down with Sweetums!

- Hey.
- Hey.

Heard about your speech.
Sounded great.

I wish you could've seen it. It felt so
good. I love loose cannon-ing.

You know, I love the power
of no consequences.

Well, unfortunately, there
has been one consequence.

I just got fired from Sweetums.

Because you were embezzling...

I hope.

Hey, Jessica!

Did you do something
to your hair?

Because, sister, you
look good enough to eat.

Num num num num num.

What do you want, Leslie?

You can't punish Ben for
something I did. It's not fair.

I love him, and I will do anything
to help him get his job back.

What do you want?

I want you to formally apologize
for what you said about Sweetums.

I want you to say
that we're a moral,

upstanding corporation that
you're proud to have in Pawnee.

And when you make your apology,

I want you to wear a lime-green pantsuit
because it will look horrible on you.

You are such an autumn.

Did you need me for something?

Yes, I want to figure out your
spirit dog, and I'm going to do that

by learning everything there
is to know about you.

All right. Game on.

Okay, what's
your favorite color?

For cars, it's gold. For shoes, it's red--
unless it's the weekend, then reverse them.

- Favorite music?
- 1970s funk and 1770s opera

and Sugar Ray, post Mark McGrath after
he left for Entertainment Tonight.

- Favorite book?
- Downton Abbey.

- That's not a--
- Downton... Abbey.

Okay.

Um, describe
your perfect Sunday.

Church, do the Harper's
Magazine Acrostic,

play my oboe in the jacuzzi while
the sun sets over puget sound.

- Favorite movies?
- In order-- Natural Born K*llers,

Remains of the Day, and
Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey.

Excellent.

Thank you very much for your time.
I will have your answer shortly.

No idea.

If a joint is
properly fashioned,

all you need to do
is guide it into place.

"All you need to do
is guide it into place."

What I get from that
is, when parenting,

sometimes a subtle hand is more
effective than a strong one.

This is already so much more helpful
than the last book on parenting I read--

Rad Dads by Apolo Anton
Ohno and Shaun White.

Nah.

Ron, why did you throw
that wood away?

It's unstable.
It's no good.

I just don't understand "the
throwing away the wood" metaphor.

What's the lesson? Oh, I know!
It's potty-training.

That trash can is the toilet,
and the wood was the feces.

Chris, I'm not teaching you anything.
We're just building a crib.

No, I know you're not consciously
teaching me anything.

I'm trying to siphon off some of your
calm, centered wisdom through metaphors.

Metaphors? I hate metaphors.

That's why my favorite book is
Moby d*ck--

no froufrou symbolism, just a good, simple
tale about a man who hates an animal.

That's enough for
today, I think.

- An organized child is a--
- No.

Okay, I've been working
on this for three hours,

and I know your spirit dog.

You are a Nova Scotia toller,

because you're outgoing
and adventurous.

And you love Canada?

- No, that's not right.
- No, it isn't.

But I appreciate the effort.
We're good.

And don't b*at yourself up. You'll probably
never guess what kind of dog I am.

You're right. I'll never guess
what kind of dog you are,

because you're not a dog.
You're a cat.

You're temperamental. You're
unpredictable, complex, and hard to read.

You make people work
before you let them in.

But if they put the time in
and prove that they care,

then you open
yourself up to them.

Right?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Hmm.

"So let's all raise a glass, full of
delicious, sugary drinking water,

to Sweetums-- a
Pawnee Institution."

Leslie, don't do this.

I have to, Ben. We can't
both be out of a job.

What will we do-- sleep all day,
take cooking classes together,

sit on a couch and watch movies?

- God, that sounds horrible.
- There's more at stake here.

I mean, you apologize,
it'll be an endorsement

- for the Drink-ems plan.
- I know that, but--

And everything you said
about Sweetums was right on.

I mean, 90% of the charity work I did was
to compensate for messes they caused.

And I don't want to work
for them anymore.

Are you sure?

Yeah, just go up there,
stick to your g*ns.

It's not gonna make a difference.
I can't b*at them.

All I have on my side is
facts and science,

and people hate
facts and science.

Wait.
I have an idea.

Go get Tom. Run! Get Tom!

Yesterday I said some pretty
harsh things about Sweetums

and their great new product.

But when I looked
at the research,

I found some pretty compelling
facts about Drink-ems

that made me change my tune.

Each Drink-ems is packed with 35% of your
daily monopotassium phosphate requirement.

MPP is an emulsifier as
well as a plus-7 PH buffer.

Now, I know what you're thinking--
what about its molar mass?

How does 136.086 grab you?

What the--

I don't know about y'all, but
Drink-ems seems pretty boring to me,

not like H-2-flow.

Excuse me.

I have several binders with very important
data that I need to get through.

Well, miss, I think we'd all appreciate it
if you just swallowed a teaspoon of hush.

Think of H-2-flow as
an app for your teeth.

The more flow you take in, the
more sparkle points you get.

Get enough sparkle points, and you're
on your way to your first aqua badge!

Collect enough aqua badges, and we'll
welcome you to the H-2-flow Platinum Club.

I'm great at business,
and I'm great at parks stuff.

I'm like Picasso meets
Michael Jordan.

I can paint,

but, uh, I can also be
a world-class gambler.

Ron, what's this?

The crib I built.

I'm giving it to you and Ann.

It's perfectly safe. I tested
it by hitting it with my truck.

Well, Ron, I can't accept.
This is for your baby.

There's more than one
crib tree in a forest.

That's not a lesson, by the way, just
a comment on lumber availability.

It's beautiful.
Thank you.

Nobody has
all the right answers

in parenting, including me.

And that toxic crib you bought won't
be the last mistake you make.

But a man who's this worried about
making all the right choices

cares very much.

That's all that matters.
You'll be a great father.

Thank you, Ron...

for the crib and the advice.

It's much better
than any metaphor.

Does the white whale
actually symbolize

the unknowability and
meaninglessness of human existence?

No. It's just a shitty fish.

Hey, good news.

Drink-ems is dead.

As of tomorrow, every Pawnee resident will
have H-2-flow in their drinking water.

That's great news.

H-2-flow is fluoride, right?

I think so.

I'll double-check with Tom,
but I'm, like, 95% sure.

Wow. Look at us.

Two people, who are about
to have zero jobs.

- Weird, huh?
- You and I--

we always land on
our feet, right?

- Yeah.
- Uh-oh!

Guess who won that
plain blue T-shirt?

No way! Look how blue it is.

Wow. Things are
already looking up.

Yeah!
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