06x11 - New Beginnings

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I am Leslie
Knope, and I am here

to interview for the
Deputy Parks Director job.

Leslie, this is ridiculous.

It's your job.
Take it.

Well, I should have to interview
just like everyone else.

- Mm. - Now, if you'll
see on my resume,

I held the position
of deputy director

of parks and recreation
for almost ten years.

I know.
I was your boss.

I also walked you down the
aisle at your wedding.

- Take the job and leave me alone.
- Come on, Ron. Just interview me.

- No special treatment.
- Okay, fine.

What do you believe should be the
ultimate goal of this department?

The ancient Greek version
of the park was the agora,

a gathering place where people
from all walks of life--

What are you writing?
Is it good?

What do you think is the best
use of our yearly budget?

It's right there in the name:

Maintaining our beautiful parks

and providing healthy
outdoor recreation.

I'm sorry, Ms. Knope,
the correct answer is

"Give it all back
to the taxpayers."

It seems you and I have fundamentally
different philosophies.

Frankly, it's a miracle we ever worked
together without k*lling each other.

- Good day.
- Ha, ha, okay.

No more goofing around.
Just tell me I have the job.

I have a lot of other
people to meet with.

- I'll be in touch.
- Ron, come on, it's me.

Give me special treatment.

Okay, first morning meeting back
in the old conference room.

What's this?

Oh, it shows everyone's
spirit dogs.

- That one's you.
- You guys think I'm a border collie?

So obviously a cocker spaniel.

The spirit dog committee
ruled on that weeks ago.

- There is no appeals process.
- No.

Totally.
I'm in on the joke.

I get it, but maybe
we should stop talking

about your insane dog
choices and get to working.

Classic border collie.
Has to control everything.

Totally.

First on the agenda: I'm gonna
bring my lemonade stand idea

to the small
business coalition,

and a little birdie told me
it's already in the bag.

- Can I get a what-what?
- What?

- What?
- Thank you.

No.
What idea?

The fella who runs the hot stew stand
in Lafayette Park is retiring,

so Pawnee's new
business liaison--Tom--

went out and got the Indiana
Brothers juice company

- to rent it out as a
lemonade stand. - Wow.

Plus, I downloaded
this dope app

that pops champagne whenever
I say something awesome.

- Tom, that's great.
- I know. And it was only 9 bucks.

No, I mean, the lemonade--

never mind.
Well, I will start doing

an environmental
impact study, and Ron,

- you can do some demographic research.
- Don't sweat it, Lez-kno.

Tommy's taking care
of every last detail.

Nothing I can do to help?

Okay.

Oh.

I can straighten this for you.

There we go.

Oh, Larry.

We've been taking pictures
all over City Hall

to show our unborn
baby where we met.

- Would you mind?
- Oh, my gosh. I would be honored.

Say, when are you crazy
kids gonna get hitched?

Well, you know, actually, we
haven't discussed it in a while.

No, it's kind of taken
a back seat.

Well, you know,
to each his own,

but you guys really seem
like you're in love.

And when I see a couple who look
at each other the way you do,

I don't know, it just
makes me think that

maybe this crazy world
is gonna be okay.

That literally went on forever.

I thought you were never
gonna stop talking.

But now that you have...

Ann Perkins,

will you marry me?

- Wow.
- cr*cker dust.

Uh, I mean, yes, of--
of course, l-let's do it.

Can I have a sip of
your water, please?

Oh, no, no, no.
I'm--I'm a bit of a germaphobe.

Oh, no, no, totally understand.

- Ann Perkins...
- I'm gonna cough it out.

I would like to spend the
rest of my life with you.

I love you.

I love you too.

No part of this
is how I pictured it.

I thought another cr*cker might
push it through, but I was wrong.

- Let's do this right.
- Yeah.

Let's go get
an engagement ring.

Yes.

That was a beautiful moment.

- Hello, France!
- Mm.

You guys enjoying that cheese?

It's unpasteurized.

What's that mean?

- Unpasteurized?
- I don't care. I don't care.

Technically, it's illegal
in this country.

I smuggled it
back from Paris.

Anyway, I want you guys to think
of my office as a clubhouse,

total open-door policy.

I wanna be your friend
as well as your boss.

What the hell
is wrong with you?

Are you in a cult?
Can I join?

- Let's sacrifice Larry.
- Oh, April.

It's my first day
as city manager,

so I'm holding open office
hours to break the ice.

Now, Chris was
always the nice guy

that made everyone happy, while
I brought down the hammer.

But now that he's gone,
I kind of have to do both.

Everyone is the best.
We're cutting vacation time.

Let's eat vitamins.
This is exhausting.

Listen real quick.

I have some super
cool new rules...

- Oh, nice.
- That are also super mandatory.

Uh, we can't use
Facebook anymore?

- Are you serious?
- That's right.

Massive time waster.
Kills productivity.

Hey, sanitation.

Listen, let's talk
health insurance.

Your dependents don't
have it anymore.

Have some illegal cheese.

No cell phone usage
on City Hall property?

That's not fair, my cell phone
is how I avoid doing work.

Bathroom breaks should be
limited to five minutes?

I can't shower in five minutes.

See, he's acting all
loosey-goosey, but

that little dude's wound
so tight, he's gonna pop.

♪ Hey, sanitation

♪ sanitation in the
house tonight ♪

Oh, what happened
to our spirit dogs?

I came up
with a way better game.

Behold your spirit kangaroo.

Tom, you are a blue flyer.

So am I. So are
you and Donna.

And look at Ron.
Look at Ron.

I mean--

Doesn't Ron look exactly
like a blue flyer?

There aren't that many
different types of kangaroos.

Either way, hell of a
game, right, guys?

Presentations are upon us, so,
Tom, which step are you at in

The Leslie Knope Project
Preparedness Super System?

Yeah, once you got on the city
council, we kinda stopped doin' that.

What? Tom, no,
you cannot drop

The Leslie Knope Project
Preparedness Super System.

It was developed over thousands
of government presentations

that I gave over the
past ten years.

- It is my very soul.
- Well, I have my own system.

Step one:
Chill out a bit.

Step two:
Get up there and rip it.

That's your plan?
To--to rip it?

Leslie, this is Tom's project.

Perhaps you should let
him do things his way.

Sure, yeah, you should
probably just rip it.

I think that's better

than going with a tried
and true 80-step system

that led to-- and I quote--

"The most thorough and,
dare we say, at times,

over-prepared presentation
that we've seen."

And yeah, that quote came from

the Indiana blue ribbon panel
on irrigation and drainage.

Fine, I'll go back
to your system.

- You're the big dog around here.
- Big kangaroo.

And thank you.

Well, yeah, I was gone for a while

and things are a little different around
here, but this is still my house.

I invented this
parks game, son.

Oh.

Damn it! When did
they put a lamp here?

Hey.
The boys in blue?

Ah, what can I do
for you... for?

We got a tip about some food
entering the country illegally.

No--no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Thi--it's just cheese, guys.

Uh, I got it in France.

Okay. Did you declare it
on your customs form

when you reentered
the country?

We're gonna need you to
come down to the station.

I'm sure that's not necessary.

Let's just-- this is
really good cheese.

- You should try some.
- Are you trying to bribe us?

No! Oh, God.
I surrender.

- Step forward.
- Okay, okay.

There you go.

This is so exciting.

Hi, folks. When's
the big day?

I assume this is
a, you know...

Oh. No. This isn't
a shotgun wedding,

although, yes,
she is pregnant,

and, yes, we did just decide
to get married today.

We haven't told our
families or chosen a venue,

but it's not a
shotgun wedding.

We've been planning
ours for months.

You wouldn't believe how
much there is to do.

Invitations, table settings,
color scheme, dance lessons.

And that's just for
the rehearsal dinner.

Oh.

Seriously, that's just
for the rehearsal dinner.

That sounds elaborate.

All we did was punch "jewelry
store" into our car GPS.

You remember that
romantic moment, Chris?

I was getting gas.

No, I don't remember it.

Hey, Tom, I don't mean
to bug you or anything,

but I notice that my super
system binder is closed.

Just checking that you had a chance
to refamiliarize yourself entirely.

Yeah, flipped through it.
Looks good.

Huh.
You're lying.

I placed a single strand
of hair along the edge,

and that secret
strand is unbroken.

Whose hair is that?
It's brown.

Look, it seems like you don't even
care about your presentation.

Au contraire. I'm working
on it right now.

And what's the most important
part of a presentation?

- Content.
- The presentation.

Okay. Tom, you
need hard data.

You need facts to
make your case.

And then you need two funny
quotes and an inspirational one.

You know, a classic
ha-ha-hmm.

Look, I think you need to
take a page out of my system

and chill out a bit, okay?
I got this.

Okay, fine, I trust you.

But I think you're gonna fail,
and you're a ticking time b*mb.

- What's that?
- Nothing, good luck.

- This is an elk hair.
- Yes.

It's the most effective hair for
binder security. You know that, Ron.

If Tom gives that presentation,

it is going to be a total disaster
for both him and the department.

I cannot sit idly by and watch
this terrible thing happen.

I mean, I can barely sit idly by
and watch good things happen.

We've got a couple
of customs agents

coming down from the border,
and they are not happy.

I can't believe this.
I never break the law.

- I've never even jaywalked.
- Never?

I mean, I-I-I-- everyone
does it sometimes.

Just add that to the charges.

Well, well, well, we got
a hit on your prints.

Seems you're wanted
for tax fraud in Colorado?

What?

I've never even
been to Colorado.

I mean, I had a layover
in Denver once.

Man, you can't keep your
story straight, can you?

- Come on!
- Oh.

Here comes the
customs guys now.

Fellas, he's all yours.

You're pranked.

You gotta see the stupid
look on your face.

Check this out.
I took a picture.

- Classic!
- You seemed a little uptight.

Thought we'd have some
fun with our new boss.

Wow.
Thi--you got me.

Good one, makin' me think I was
gonna like die in federal prison...

Ah, that's super funny,

you scamps.

Now, Stu, I know that you're
thinking about retiring,

and I am here to ask
you to reconsider.

What do you say?

Keep that Lafayette
Park stand open,

pumpin' out the
stew like you do.

I don't know.

I'm looking forward to
spending time with my wife,

working on some new hobbies.

I was thinking about
getting into bisques.

Stu, you have been a staple

in the parks department
system for years.

Retirement is for the birds.
You're gonna be so bored.

I'm gonna say this because
you need to hear it.

Screw bisque.

- That makes a lot of sense.
- Yeah.

What now?
What do I do?

Well, we're gonna need to
convince the business council

to keep you around, but that's
not for you to worry about.

I'll take care of it. You just
keep on stewin' what you stew.

Thanks, Leslie.

This calls for a toast.

Susan? Stew flutes, please.

Ah.

To stew.

Mm.
Oh, my God.

- That's very hot.
- Mm-hmm.

Congratulations.
This is a beauty.

If you like, I could engrave the
date on the inside of the band.

That may be tough, 'cause we
actually haven't discussed it yet.

We could engrave "2014"

- or "TBD."
- Hang on.

If neither of us has ever
thought about this stuff,

then maybe there's a reason.

When you think about
it, we are already

more married than
most married people.

Right? I mean, we're having a child
together. We're moving to a new city.

You let me pee
with the door open

so I could watch the end of
Grey's Anatomy.

That was a fantastic
season finale

and a show that is literally

a never-ending roller
coaster of emotion.

I mean, why spend
thousands of dollars

just to reaffirm
what we already know,

- which is that we love each other?
- That is so beautiful.

Theodore, we would like
to return that ring.

And get a refund, please.

Maybe we should
talk this over too.

- Oh, come on. - Think what we
could do if we didn't buy this ring.

I mean, this could go
towards buying a house.

You have a lovely store.

- Hey, boss?
- Hey.

I was just printing out my
minesweeper high score,

and I noticed this memo. You're
punishing us for the prank?

No, no, no, no, no, no. It's
just like a warning memo.

Like, "Hey, all in good fun,

"but I'm your boss, and if you
do it again, you're suspended."

- That kind of thing.
- Listen.

I know that you're the
governor or whatever,

and I'm just
government junior.

- What?
- I feel like you're blowing it.

If you want people to like
you, you have to play along.

Don't punish Donna and April.

Prank them back.

I guess I could stand
to loosen up a little,

but I don't know
how to pull a prank.

Dude, okay. Well,
I could help you.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I once did the best
prank of all time.

I dumped all of my boss's action
figures into a fish t*nk.

Yeah, that was me. And I
didn't really like it.

Classic.

Great news, guys.

- I just saved your bacon.
- Impossible.

You don't even
know where it is.

I know you were excited to get in
front of the committee and rip it,

but in the spirit of teamwork,

I unilaterally decided to
bring Stu out of retirement.

- So pressure's off.
- What?

- I spent a lot of time on this.
- Doin' what,

- putting mousse in your hair?
- It's a gel-based serum.

Second of all, who
uses mousse still?

Oh, God.
Leslie.

Let's put our differences
aside for a second.

Friend to friend, do
you still use mousse?

No, I use the juicy space
thing--whatever you do.

The point is you weren't
ready for this, Tom.

Stu's sales are flat.
Lemonade's the future.

- I'm still doing my presentation.
- I'm still doing my stew presentation,

and we'll see which one
the committee likes.

- Fine.
- Fine.

Yeah.

I didn't think so.

On the other hand, there are some
benefits to being married: Taxes,

health insurance, and I
don't have to feel weird

when hotel employees
call me "Mr. Perkins."

Yeah, that makes
me feel weird too.

Maybe we should.
I don't know anymore.

"Maybe we should. I
don't know anymore."

Ann, that is a
beautiful sentiment.

Okay, you're all set. Credit
card's been fully refunded.

Perfect timing.

We are going to
buy this ring.

Charge it.

Ann Perkins, will
you marry me?

- I don't know!
- Me either!

- Maybe let's not?
- Yeah, I think maybe not.

Okay. Ring's yours again.
Hello?

Actually, we don't
want the ring.

Unbelievable.

Leslie, look.

I'm the last person to want to
deprive the world of more stew,

but are you sure
you wanna do this?

Look, I love Tom, but you and I both
know that he's not ready to step up.

Don't you remember his last
presentation on topsoil?

The botched laser show?

Larry still can't see purple.

That was Larry's fault.

He picked up the laser
and stared right into it.

I know, but still, Tom is
all flash and no substance.

That's the old Tom.

You've been gone for a while, Leslie.
Tom has changed.

He ran a business,
sold it for a profit.

He's also been working
here for six years,

and he's learned a lot
from you.

At some point, you're gonna have
to trust him to do his job.

You guys.
You guys.

- Be cool.
- What's going on?

I kind of convinced Ben
to prank you guys,

and it got
a little out of hand.

I probably should've said
no to some of his ideas,

but he's on his way here right now.
Here he is. Just be cool.

Hey, guys.
What's up?

Um, oh, I just remembered.

Can I show you something
out to the front area?

And leave your cell phones
because of no reason.

Just leave anything that
can't get wet, actually,

like you would normally.

Okay, here we go to
the parking lot now.

Wow, this is really sad.

Yep, follow to me, guys.

Just going to the parking lot
for normal government reasons.

Sorry, can't go
through with this.

I was gonna pull a prank.

- No!
- Yeah.

I hired these guys in
ski masks to kidnap us,

and I was gonna
pretend to be a hero.

They were gonna sh**t me and
drive the van into the river,

and that's when the divers would go
in, pull you guys out of the water,

and I would be standing
on the shore like,

"Hey, you get pranked much?"

What the f*ck?

I even got these squibs
from a special effects guy,

and I was gonna say
this code word.

And that's when I would
push this button.

No, no, no, no, no!

Oh, my God. You got
blood all over me.

Thank you.

I mean it.

- Ben, that was amazing.
- Really?

Best prank ever.

I'm sorry, buddy, daddy can't
get home to tuck you in.

Oh, how old is your son?

Just pick a thing.

Honey, look at this.
This is what I want.

I don't want a ring.
I don't want a wedding.

I just want this locket

with a picture of
our child in it.

I mean, we've never
been traditional.

We made out the first
night we ever met.

And when we did
date, we broke up,

but you didn't realize it, and that
was very embarrassing for you.

Yeah, let's maybe not talk
about that part right now.

And then we got pregnant as
friends, and then we fell in love.

We've never been very
conventional, so

why start now?

Theodore? We will not
be needing that ring,

but we would like
to purchase this locket.

How much?

Just take it and
get outta here.

- Thank you!
- Thanks.

We're here to discuss
a business contract

for the Lafayette
Park food stand.

Miss Knope, you've always steered this
committee in the right direction.

Why do you think we should
renew Hot Stu's lease?

Well, frankly,
it's because of Stu.

Here's a man who was
ready to retire,

spend time
with his family, travel.

And then he realized, "No,
I wanna spend my time

"in a small metal
box all summer,

bent over a boiling cauldron
of steaming, bubbling meat."

Making stew is hard:

Up at the cr*ck of dawn,
backbreaking labor,

your clothes smelling
like salt and gristle.

Sure, profits are minimal, but
Stu doesn't care about that.

Maybe a year extension
isn't enough.

Maybe we should make it
five years.

Heck, why don't we give
him a lifetime deal?

I'd like to see Stu ladling out
his pungent beef smoothies

until we bury him
under that shed.

I think I've made
a terrible mistake.

Okay, that was bleak.

Uh, Mr. Haverford, you have
a presentation as well?

Hey. Rip it.

There's nothing more American
than lemonade.

Just sayin' the word makes
you wanna drink some.

And now you can.
Check under your seats.

Heh, hey. Has my name on it.

Yes, it does. Classic
for you, Carter.

Darva, yours is a
pink lemonade.

- I know you love that.
- Because I like pink.

That's right. Now, who
here likes laser shows?

Summer foot traffic in Lafayette
Park has increased 23%.

The Indiana Brothers
are the fastest-growing

beverage company
in the Midwest.

My projections show
they can increase

government revenue 30%
over the next five years.

Plus, they've agreed to
waive their franchise fee.

Look, guys, I'm sorry
about all the new rules,

But--you know,
I want you to like me.

But I-I also really
need you to respect me.

I respect you, little buddy.

Come here.

Mm, respect noogie.

Ah!

We didn't prank you 'cause
we don't respect you.

We did it 'cause we love you.

♪ R-e-s-p-e-g-c

Well, that's actually not
how respect is spelled.

- Yes.
- According to Urethra Franklin,

- that's exactly how it's spelled.
- Hey, Wyatt.

You were a good
sport earlier.

No hard feelings?

Here's a little gift for
you for believing in me.

- Oh.
- It's a gel-based hair serum.

Enough with the
mousse, for real.

Okay.

Well, Ron, you were right.
Tom has really grown up.

You seem merely overjoyed instead
of irritatingly ecstatic.

- Why? - Well, Tom's come into
his own. April runs Animal Control.

I mean, does this department
even need me anymore?

No.
We do not.

April and Tom started out as two of the
most apathetic people I had ever met.

It's why I hired them.

Then you betrayed
me and turned them

into efficient and caring
government employees.

This office can indeed
function without you.

And soon, it'll have to.

Was that a death thr*at?

We both know you're not
gonna be here forever.

This is a weigh station

on the road to bigger
and better things.

Whenever you do move on,

it should please
you to know that--

God help me--

you've built a well-functioning
government agency.

Oh, that reminds me.

I know you don't open
your mail, but I do.

And because you created
Tom's position--

business liaison-- and it's
already financially paying off,

you have received Pawnee's
government employee of the month.

I mean, it has taken--