06x13 - Ann and Chris

[bunniefuu]

LESLIE: What do you mean, you can't?

Look, I am throwing a farewell party

for my best friend, Ann Perkins.

And if she casually mentioned

three years ago that she thought

indoor fireworks would be cool,

then guess what, you're going to give me indoor fireworks.

Tonight's biggest surprise is five years in the making.

It all goes back to when I first met my best friend.

I'm here to talk about

the abandoned lot on Sullivan Street.

I've been trying to get this thing fixed for months.

And it's government-owned,

and you need to do something about it.

I will help you. Is that a promise?

It's more than a promise.

It's a pinky promise.

That promise launched a friendship so grand,

it takes 103 scrapbooks to capture it.

I have secretly arranged to officially break ground

on Pawnee Commons at midnight,

fulfilling my pinky promise that I made five years ago.

Aw, Ice Cream Sandwich Taste Test.

That was our biggest fight.

Hey, Knope. Harold.

You're breaking ground on the Pawnee Commons tonight?

Public Works never signed off on that.

Look, your office was giving me a hard time,

so I had to call in a few favors.

I don't like it when people go over my head.

Understood. I will make a note of that. Would you like a treat?

I run that department,

and I do not appreciate...

Damn, that's really good. Right?

There's going to be a lot of these at the party.

You should come by.

I get it. I know what you're doing.

And I still...

Is there a little crunch in there? Hazelnut.

Oh. Oh, right? See you tonight.

Okay. Well, let's go set up this party.

April, thank you.

I know you may tease Ann,

but deep down inside, I can tell that you really care.

Ann's leaving town...

And saying painful goodbyes to loved ones.

Greatest day of my life.

Thank you all so much for helping me with these boxes.

I'm just a little behind.

Because every time I start,

I get... (SOBBING)

A little emotional.

Hey, that box has my name on it.

Hey, this one has my name on it.

This one has Plates' name on it.

You have just found your Buddy Boxes.

Each box contains a memento of our friendship.

I was going to give them to you later,

but there is no time

like the present.

Fun pun alert.

A bronzed hamburger.

It's from our turkey versus beef cook-off. Remember?

You were a worthy adversary.

I would have preferred

a regular hamburger for eating,

but this is very nice.

2008 Indiana State Audit spreadsheets?

Man, that year was insane.

That was the year you went from being an auditor

to a legend.

Whoa!

A picture of me officiating Leslie and Ben's wedding.

And look, you can just about see my head.

Thank you so much.

Snake Juice.

I thought these were destroyed by the FDA.

I did have to go to a very seedy location to find it.

But, now I know where to go to place a bet on horse fighting.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Okay, don't mention anything about

the groundbreaking to Ann. Repeat that back to me.

Tell Ann about the groundbreaking,

frame Ann for m*rder,

release a deadly virus into the water supply.

Good. (GASPS) Oh.

Bon Voyage, Ann.

My God. This is amazing.

That's sparkling cider.

Why is there a New Year Eve countdown clock and the Easter Bunny?

I don't know when we're going to be able to visit each other.

So, just to be safe, this party is a celebration of every event

that's going to happen this year.

Your birthday, New Year's, Chinese New Year's, Flag Day.

"Ain't no party like a Leslie Knope party,

"because a Leslie Knope party is actually 30 parties."

Knope, you have out Knoped yourself.

Ha-ha, seems like the party's dying down. Weird.

Ann, you probably want to head to Michigan forever.

So, I snuck into your house

and packed a bag for you. Goodbye.

This is just a bunch of bras and knives.

And loose onions.

Okay. Party. Don't drink. Have fun.

Hey. So, we have a little farewell gift for you.

We all pitched in and got you a gift card

from that home store, Pots and Pans.

We have been on the prowl for some amazing pots.

Well, that card's for three pans.

Either way, this is great.

You know what? We should get to the goodbye party.

Although, I know it's mostly for Ann.

Yeah. But there's, like, one corner for you,

and it's just carob cookies and berries.

Carob cookies and berries are literally

my favorite dessert alternative.

I'll go get changed.

He put a lot of work into our presents.

I feel kind of bad just getting him a gift card.

I also shook his hand. Twice.

Anything more than that would be excessive.

Let all put our heads together and brainstorm.

We've got to send this dude off with the perfect gift.

I say we start with the three C's.

Cashmere, concert tickets, caboodles of cash.

I feel like those are perfect gifts for you.

Those are perfect gifts for anyone. Ugh! I wish you guys were Donna.

ANN: I'm a hundred percent sure

that I will not meet another Donna Meagle in Michigan.

I'm going to miss you.

You know I'm going to miss you, too, Perkins.

But now that you're officially out of the dating pool,

you know I'm going to run this town. Right?

Mmm.

Oh, yeah, you do not want to go down that road. Trust me. I tried.

Hi, Stephen.

Hey, Ann. Super cute baby bump.

Thanks.

Good looking out.

Hey, Ron. Have you seen April?

I've been mostly focused on these ribs.

By the way, you're out of Easter ham

and Thanksgiving turkey. Great party.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Hey, are you on the lot? Is everything okay?

APRIL: Uh, not really.

Public Works put up a giant padlock

on the fence, and a sign that says,

"No Trespassing."

That probably doesn't apply to us.

There also a sign that says, "Especially Leslie Knope."

Well, Leslie Knope is a very common name.

There a Professor in Copenhagen named Leslie Knope.

They probably mean him.

Do they mean the professor?

Yeah, there's a picture of you, also.

And two huge security guards.

Holy mother of Malia.

And Sasha.

I love them both equally.

Okay. It's that stupid Harold who's behind this.

Get here and we will make a plan.

How long do I have to do this?

Until I say so, Orin. Stay in character.

(SIGHS)

Leslie can't watch anything with Julie Andrews in it before bedtime

because it gets her too hyper.

Okay. If Chris gets cranky around noon,

just stuff some chia seeds into a fig. Works every time.

Awesome. Thank you.

Wow, we really picked some intense people to spend our lives with, huh?

Yeah.

Where's Leslie? I haven't seen her in a while.

Oh, she's just running around trying to pull off

an elaborate, thoughtful surprise for you.

Of course. Where's Chris?

I told him that One Headlight by the Wallflowers isn't dancing music

and he said, "Not with that attitude."

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Of course.

Dude. Ann. You know what I just remembered?

We used to date.

Yeah, we lived together for two years.

I know. It's crazy, right?

Anyways, you're the best. Have fun in Mexico.

Harold, it is Leslie Knope again.

I know you are screening my calls.

But if you could call me back... (SIGHS)

And his voicemail is full. Did you have any luck?

I flipped through the bylaws. I don't think there's anything I can do.

(SCOFFS) What is the point of being married to a City Manager

if he can't wield unfettered power to crush my enemies?

Hopefully, there are a few other reasons.

Yeah.

Looks like we hit a wall.

Oh, God. (SOBBING)

April? Are you okay? What happening?

I'm just so scared that this means that Ann won't really leave.

Life, huh? It's quite a ride.

Yes, Tom. It is.

I got you a going away present.

I'm deleting you from my phone. (BEEPS)

You're finally free of my animal magnetism.

Maybe one day, years from now,

when we're both old and Chris is dead,

you'll run into me somewhere.

I'll be opening my latest mega club.

And I'll see you there on the street, by yourself.

I'll tell the bouncer, slash my bodyguard,

"Hey, that woman's way too old to get into this club.

"But why don't you let her in the back?"

That's very generous.

Stay golden, sweetheart.

I'm going to miss you, too, Tom. (SHUSHING)

You're kind and you're thoughtful,

and you're always such a delight to have around.

I am sure you are going to be an incredible mother.

Thanks, Larry. That nice.

Goodbye, Ann.

I have enjoyed parts of our time together.

(SOBBING) Oh, God, Ron.

(TEARFULLY) That was really something.

BEN: Okay. What do we have for Chris?

I got this City of Pawnee mug.

Also, this cool jacket.

No, I think that Chris' jacket.

Okay, good. Then, we know he likes it.

Catch up, Larry.

Okay. I found some old receipts from lunches we had together.

Is that anything?

This is my contribution. It says "Ron."

Hey, guys. What's going on?

Oh, we're just giving you a bunch of cool gifts.

Oh, God.

Get your hopes up, Chris.

Let's see what's in here. I see assorted items and some pieces of paper.

Boom. Nailed it. All right. Now, we can start enjoying this party.

Leslie, this is the most incredible event that has ever been thrown.

There is a pilgrim line dancing with a box of candies.

Why do you look so bummed out?

We were planning a surprise groundbreaking at Pawnee Commons for you.

You know, an actual beginning to the project that brought us together.

But now we can't do it, because Harold is such a jerk face

he put a barbed-wire fence around the lot, and now it's not happening.

I'm sorry, Ann.

First of all, don't apologize. And second of all, screw Harold.

If I learned one thing from Leslie Knope,

it is we do not take "no" for an answer.

Anything is possible if we work hard enough. Let's do it.

Oh, my God. Ann Perkins to the rescue. Okay.

Hands in, everybody. One, two, three.

Let's go. Dark forces arise.

Okay, I didn't plan what we were all going to say.

That's my bad.

Here we go, Ann. Let's go.

Okay. Knock or ring the bell?

Bust in unannounced.

Love it.

Harold. What the hell, Knope?

We need the key to the fence that you put up on the Sullivan Street lot.

You snuck around behind my back.

I told you I didn't like that. Forget it.

Come on, Harold, look.

This is a great opportunity you have right now.

Just think of us as your genies

who can give you anything you want. Nothing gross.

Okay, yeah. There is something I want.

Super Fizzy Fruity Pop.

Sorry? Sweetums used to stock our office

with free sodas, as a promotional thing,

but that Kathryn Pinewood lady just took them away.

If you can get us our free sodas back, I'll get you a key.

Deal. Easy.

It is not easy.

Kathryn Pinewood is the person on Earth who hates me the most.

Well, luckily, you're with the person

on Earth who loves you the most.

Too cheesy? No, it's perfect. I love you.

Don't leave. Come on.

Donna, you are a remarkable woman.

And I just wanted to say that I've always thought of you as family.

I just want to say that I've always thought you were hot.

Yes, I know. April.

Yeah, you saw a lot of potential in me, I'm like a daughter to you,

and it was a treat to watch me blossom. Blah, blah, blah, bye.

That is remarkably close to what I was going to say.

Also, I'm proud of you.

Donna, are you grabbing my butt? Can you blame me?

(LAUGHING) No.

Sorry. Can't help you, ladies.

I don't have time for disgraced former politicians and unmarried preggos.

Oh, Kathryn, always a delight.

Listen. I know that you and Leslie

have had your disagreements in the past,

but we really need the key.

And we can only get the key, if we get the sodas. Please?

I don't see why I should do you any favors.

I mean, if you were still a city councilor, maybe.

But I seem to remember you were recalled. Is that right?

How dare you. Okay. Leslie.

Please. It's not worth it. For you.

For me, I don't care. (GASPS)

What the hell? Yeah, Pinewood, that's right.

I'm pregnant and I have you in a headlock.

And if you try to fight back, I will sue you.

Unless, you tell us how to get those sodas, right now.

Okay. Fine. Sweetums has been desperately

trying to get a local celebrity spokesman

to endorse their new sports drink.

So, if you can make that happen somehow,

they'll give you whatever you want.

(SIGHS)

Damn, Perkins. (EXHALES)

Okay. Who does Sweetums want as their spokesperson?

They already tried to get me to endorse that sports drink. I said, "No."

They want me dunking on the label.

When is this town going to realize that I'm more than a former

high school basketball star?

I don't think this new sports drink is even about basketball.

It's called "Sweetums Dunktastic Threepoint BBall Blast."

The slogan is, "It's all about basketball."

I'm sorry. You're going to have to find yourself some other famous Pawneean.

(SIGHS)

(GASPS)

We know that you were already approached

by Sweetums and you said, "No,"

but is there any way you would reconsider?

I'm sorry, Ms. Knope. There is such a thing as journalistic integrity,

and it is something that I have, as a journalist,

with integrity.

It's really important, Perd. Please?

Come on. For old times' sake?

Well, the story of that appeal is it was heartfelt.

And in response to that appeal, I respond, okay.

"For old times' sake?" Does that mean...

No. Ann, you tricky minx.

Yeah. I went on a date with Perd.

What? It was during that

"explore my freedom as a single woman" phase.

Wow. We just had a drink.

And at the end, he said, "I am going to kiss you now,

"by putting my mouth on your mouth." Then, I ran away.

It was absolutely the right call.

Well, we could just tell him the truth.

That we feel bad that we didn't get him anything nice.

(LAUGHS) Tell the truth? That's hilarious. No.

We tell him we had the perfect gift,

but we were robbed at gunpoint.

(WHINING) "Chris. He had a g*n. He took all the gifts."

(NORMAL VOICE) Now, Chris feels bad. He's buying us gifts.

Next thing you know, Tommy's got a new watch.

Again, I don't see the problem. I shook the man's hand. Twice.

Guys. Look what I got at the Presidents' Day booth.

"Ask not what your country can do for you."

(LAUGHS)

From Family Guy, right?

Listen, Chris, we have to tell you something. We feel bad

because you got us such thoughtful gifts and we got you...

Three pans and a bag of nothing.

Guys, I don't need anything from you.

My Buddy Boxes are about the past, but let's focus on the future.

Because we're always going to be friends.

And just the fact that you feel bad about

your bag of nothing, proves that.

To the future.

ALL: Cheers. To the future.

Cheers. Future.

I have an idea.

Don't you ladies ever knock?

No. Okay. So, we got Perd Hapley to sign on with Sweetums,

which means that you get your sodas back.

Which means that we get our key.

Okay? Everything's here in writing.

Now call off your guards.

Okay, fine.

You two are a couple of real pains in the ass, you know that?

Harold. Your tiny brain could not understand this,

but that is the best compliment you could ever give

the two women standing in front of you.

ANN: Bye, Harold.

Victory at last. Whoo! All right.

You're all set.

Okay. I am going to call the official ceremonial ribbon cutting guy,

because I think we may have missed him.

(HISSING) What are you doing?

It's for the raccoons.

You have to hiss really loud and stomp

your feet so they'll leave you alone.

And if one comes close, make yourself really large,

like a puffer fish. (HISSING)

The Pawnee raccoons. That is one thing I will not miss.

Well, Michigan has wolverines. Maybe they'll eat your toes.

So, how long do you think you'll stay in Pawnee for?

I don't know.

We like it here.

I made Andy promise that someday we'll move to Transylvania.

But that probably won't happen until we're, like, 100.

Well, for what it worth,

I'm really happy that you and Andy are married.

Why?

Why? Because

I love him and I love you. Why wouldn't I be happy?

(MUMBLES) I love you, too.

What's that?

(MUMBLES) I love you, too.

I couldn't quite hear you.

Please don't make me say it. Please.

My going away present to you

will be that I do not make you audibly say that you love me.

Thank you.

Okay, Leslie's coming back. Get off me, wench.

Did I miss a nice moment?

No. Yes, you did.

Aw, good.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Guys. What are you doing here? Come in.

You caught me before my first run of the day.

I call it my b*at the sun run.

It's a race between me and the sun.

Well, we got one more gift for you.

It's quarter-sawn zebra wood,

adjoined by floating tenons to the black walnut corner posts,

finished with a wiping varnish that a secret Swanson family recipe.

Handmade at my woodshop. And you are correct, it is gorgeous.

You're starting a new life with your new family.

So, it's an empty Buddy Box to fill with memories for your little buddy.

Or Twizzlers.

That's the beautiful thing about a box.

We all b*rned our initials in. See?

Wait a minute. Who's G.J.L.G.G.?

That Gary Jerry Larry Gergich Gengurch. (LAUGHS)

I b*rned in all my names. I really... I didn't know what to do.

Well... Um, thank you.

Um... (SNIFFLES)

This tear, um, caused by the overwhelming thoughtfulness of my friends,

will be my baby's first memory.

Saltwater will warp the wood,

so keep your tears in your eyes where they belong.

Will do, Ron Swanson.

LESLIE: Can I still call you when I have thoughts on Jennifer Aniston's future?

Not if I call you first.

Can we still be on the phone for every State of the Union address

and every Oscar red carpet coverage

and every single viewing of Tootsie?

Of course.

Oh, Ann Perkins. You perfect sunflower.

You totally changed me. You know?

You taught me how to balance my life,

how to be patient, how to be more patient.

Yeah, that's better.

How to throw bureaucratic caution

to the wind when it came to Ben.

But most importantly,

you taught me that I can't pull off a tulip skirt.

It's just not your shape.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Well, I don't think the ceremonial

ribbon cutting guy is going to make it.

Either he flaked, or he tripped and impaled

himself on his own giant scissors.

We wait for no man. Let's do this.

BOTH: One, two, three.

Oh!

(BOTH WHOOPING)

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

All right, I got my park. That's all I wanted from you. Friendship over.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Don't even joke about that, Ann.

(SIGHS)

It was your idea to give me that box.

Ah, it was a group effort.

But it had that trademark Ben Wyatt

mix of thoughtful and resourceful.

You're literally the best friend that I will ever have.

You, too, man.

Leslie Knope.

Chris Traeger.

I just want to say that getting to know you, and watching you work,

has been one of the greatest experiences of my life.

That, and working with Dr. Richard Nygard.

Sure.

And I just want you to know that I thought there was no man on Earth

good enough for Ann Perkins.

And I still think that. Right.

But if there is no one actually good enough for her,

you are pretty damn close.

(EXHALES)

Okay. Well. This is normal. No big deal.

Drive safe. We will.

I packed you some sandwiches and some caffeine free iced tea.

So... Oh, and there's a mix CD that I made, already loaded in your car.

There's a lot of Sarah McLachlan.

So, Chris, I apologize. Things are going to get emotional.

(CHUCKLES)

(SNIFFLES)

I love you.

I love you, too.

Breakfast, Knope?

Oh, I don't know.

Come on.

There's has never been a sadness

that can't be cured by breakfast food.

That's fair.

Someone else is going to have to drive, though.

My eyes are basically useless right now.

I'm on it. Shotgun.

I called shotgun. You're all nailed.

I call sitting on your lap.

You can't. Double shotgun. We called double shotgun.

How come people don't do that more often?

BEN: It's illegal?

LESLIE: Raise your hand if you want waffles.

LARRY: I'm eating waffles.

RON: Bacon and eggs, please and thank you.