06x14 - Anniversaries

[bunniefuu]

"Leslie Knope and Ben
Wyatt were married

"one year ago this week
at the Pawnee city hall.

"The bride wore a gown made
by her friend Ann Perkins.

"And the groom wore a butt so perfect
it could make an angel hang itself."

- You wrote this, didn't you?
- I did.

- They cut it way down.
- Thank God.

Okay, so, the big
day is tomorrow.

So let's go over this again.
What are the anniversary rules?

At lease 100 kisses.

Dinner at 7:00.

- And no gifts.
- That's right, no gifts.

No gifts.

No gifts.

Oh, I'm getting
him a gift.

I always say that I'm not
gonna get him a gift.

And Ben always believes me.
And then, bam, I surprise him

with the best
gift of all time.

He makes the cutest, dopiest
face when he's surprised.

It's like... Wha-a-a-at?

I'm not gonna make my stupid
surprise face this year

because this time I got her
the most amazing gift ever.

And she'll never see it coming because I'm
giving it to her today, one day early.

So she's gonna make
the face this year.

She will make
that stupid face!

Additional support for
Pawnee Public Radio

comes from the Edgar C. and Janis R.
Lumway Foundation

and the Richard and Lois Wallenberg
Foundation Foundation...

dedicated to the idea
that all human beings

deserve a chance to
hear about foundations.

Welcome to Thought
For Your Thoughts.

I'm your Pawneean host,
Derry Murbles.

And I'm your Eagletonian
host, August Clementine.

Yes, if you have not heard
our program in a while,

Thought For Your Thoughts
now has a co-host,

thanks to the
Pawnee-Eagleton merger

I believe that is the Eagleton-Pawnee
merger, n'est-ce pas?

I'd like to apologize
to our listeners

for my co-host's sudden and
violent outburst just now.

Our guest is former city
councilwoman Leslie Knope.

- Leslie, thought...
- For your thoughts.

I said it.

Absorb the
aggression, Derry.

Absorb the aggression.

Well, I just want to say thank
you so much for having me.

It's a thrill to be here.

As a listener, I think the
merging of your two shows

has really created such a big,
quiet, arcane ball of fun.

It's been a couple of months since
Pawnee and Eagleton officially merged.

Things are going... okay.

There's still a little animosity
between the two towns.

I haven't seen
Pawneeans this mad

since Frankie's discontinued
their pizza-stuffed-crust pizza.

It was a pizza whose crust
was stuffed with little pizzas.

And the crust of those little pizzas

was made of chocolate.

Ms. Knope, I understand you're
here today to try to convince us

that this disastrous merger of our two
towns was, in any way, a good idea.

Yes, there were some
bumps and bruises.

And a brief rash of arson.

And a rather large-scale
brawl at the dump.

But overall, the state of
the merger is very strong.

Scoff.

Did you just say
the word "scoff"?

You must admit, Ms. Knope,
that the merging of the towns

has been fraught
with antipathy.

For example, I now have
to share my studio

with a fatuous twerp who
shall remain nameless.

This twerp has a name. And it's
August N'gutu Liebowitz-Clementine.

Guys...

Hello.

Thank you so much for letting
me help plan your anniversary.

It is so wonderful to be
part of such a special day.

Okay, remember, under
no circumstances

can Leslie know about
what's going on.

She has to make that face,
do you understand?

No, I don't fully, but
my lips are sealed.

I asked for Larry's help because he has the
most successful marriage of anyone I know,

to a gorgeous woman.

Which, honestly, is
still a mystery to me.

Like, was it a hypnosis
accident or something,

where they put Gayle under and
made her fall in love with Larry

and never said the magic word
to snap her out of it?

Like, if I say "nutmeg," will she
wake up and start screaming?

What kind of pet are you
interested in adopting?

We have dogs, cats, rabbits.

Um, I work here, so,
legally, you can adopt me.

The girls want
an actual dog.

And they want it
to look like this.

Interesting. So, like a
banana made of spiders?

I've said it before and I'll say it
again, children are terrible artists.

And artists are crooks.

I think I know a good dog.

[Exclaims]

There he is! Ron,
how about this guy?

Yes, he is a
handsome fellow.

Hello, dog.

- I'll take him.
- That was easy.

Awesome. Well, Donna can help you
get started on the paperwork.

Donna?

"Why lie? I'm shopping.
Back in an hour."

Ugh! God, she's always just
leaving and not telling me.

Hello, caller. You
have a comment?

Yeah, ever since the merger, we've
had a really bad trash problem.

Well, yes, there has been some confusion
with some of the garbage routes.

And the Sanitation Department
is stretched a little thin.

No, I mean Eagletonians
are human garbage.

And we should throw
them in a dumpster.

Kapow!

Yeah, I really like the merger, but I hate
that Eagleton was forced to join Pawnee.

Well, that's what
the merger is.

Oh. Yeah, then I
hate the merger.

I think the
merger was great.

And I think Leslie Knope
did an amazing job.

I don't know who this
is, but I agree.

- It's Andy!
- Hey.

I'm on the radio!

That's all the time we have on
Thought For Your Thoughts.

- I'm Derry Murbles.
- And I'm August Clementine.

And I talked last.
Good day.

[Bumps mic]

- Is this land mine still functional?
- Partially.

- Why? - Because I want to
blow up Donna's desk

so I can teach her a lesson about
what happens when you skip work.

I'm not sure that's how
you should go about this.

I'm kind of her boss, now, but I
still feel weird disciplining her.

- What do I do? - Look her in the eyes and
tell her exactly what you need from her.

Be mature, direct,
and firm.

What? Some fool just
slammed me on Yelp.

I took Ron's advice.

I very maturely and
straightforwardly

left anonymous comments
about Donna online.

"Stopped by to adopt a dog, but
the employee, Donna Meagle,

"was nowhere to be found. Thanks for
nothing, Donna Meagle. Booooo!"

With five "O"s.

Oh, my God, that sucks.

Just have to work
harder, I guess, huh?

This freak thinks he can hide
behind some anonymous user name?

I'm about to
hunt you down.

Don't be upset, Leslie.
No one listens to the radio.

I wasn't even listening.
I was listening to podcasts.

Podcasts are great.
Radio is boring.

Tom, this merger
needs a win...

something symbolic
and bright and happy

that will show that there's
light at the end of the tunnel.

God, I am so stressed.

Uh, Leslie, may I borrow
you for a second?

Something very
special to show you.

Now is not the time, Larry.
Please leave.

- I think you... - Larry! What
are you still doing here?

Aw, jeez. Okay.

I just wish Pawnee and Eagleton
were as happy as Ben and me.

Yeah, by the way, I was gonna mention,
you look really old in this picture.

What?

Andy, this is a picture of us.

This is a picture of an elderly couple.
Rosie and Doug DeMarco.

They've been married for 50 years.

"Rosie Hails from Pawnee, while Doug is
originally from the former Eagleton."

Oh, my God, this
is perfect.

A Pawnee-Eagleton couple that
has been married for 50 years

is a perfect symbol of how
our towns can get along.

And we are gonna hold them up as an
example of Pawnee-Eagleton unity.

Whoo! I'm getting the
epiphany sweats.

Stop where you are and
take off your clothes.

It's couples massage.
Ugh. Where's Leslie?

Oh, well, she seemed
kind of stressed out.

And then she yelled at me, and she
said she was too busy to come.

And since you had said do not tell her
the secret under any circumstances...

Aw, man.

Well, that's a danger of doing
things a day early, I guess.

Should I text her
and try again?

Why don't you just go ahead
and get your massage,

and then hopefully we can get
her in for the next thing.

Okay. I have been
kind of tense lately.

Just thinking about the
new Star Wars sequel.

I'm afraid they're gonna
rely too heavily on CGI.

And I'm carrying it
all in my shoulders.

Just you?

You paid for a couple.

Well, can't believe I'm
saying this, but, uh...

Larry, would you like to get
a couples massage with me?

I would love to.

Are we sure we
should do this?

Last time we scared an old person,
Larry had a heart att*ck.

[Laughs] That was awesome.
He farted so much.

Okay, look, obviously,
we don't really know

these people, so let's keep things fun and
positive and celebratory, and merger-y.

[Knocks]

Can I help you?

Hello, Mrs. DeMarco,
I am Leslie Knope,

and we saw your announcement
in the newspaper

and we would love to treat you and
your husband to a very special day.

All right. How much
money did we win?

Oh, no, you didn't win any money, you
won something better than money.

A golden anniversary
celebration.

So no money.

No,

and I'm now just realizing how
misleading this giant check it.

- Told you.
- Yes, you did, Tom.

Thank you. Now is not the time.
We... Hey! Hey!

We'll give you some money.
Okay?

Here, here's some money.
Everybody give 'em money.

I got football cards,
and a travel mouthwash.

Wow! That's great!

Let's get started!

Just give me the IP
address of the dude

that gave me that
cracked-out Yelp review.

Okay, here we go. The IP address says
it came from someone inside city hall.

In this building?
Oh, hell, no.

Well, who cares, really? It's just
some dumb internet person. Ignore it.

Ignore it? I'm about to come down on
this dude like Thor's hammer Mjolnir.

I'm about to go
Mjolnir on his ass!

Speaking of bad reviews...

Computers are mostly
pointless, but that Yelp thing

gave me a great idea on how to
criticize people and places.

I am composing
strongly-worded letters

about things I disapprove of,
and I am using the internet

to get addresses where
I can send them.

So far I've written
to a vegetable farm,

several European ambassadors,
a manufacturer of male cologne,

and a nonfat
frozen yogurt bar.

"Dear frozen yogurt, you are
the celery of desserts.

Be ice cream or be nothing.
Zero stars."

Oh, I cannot wait for Leslie
to see this surprise.

I am so prepared. I watched Enchanted
three times to get all the details right.

And then another two times,
because that movie is amazing.

Oh, it really is.
[Phone line rings]

- Hello?
- Oh, hey, Leslie.

You want to go grab
lunch together?

- I'm out front. Super casual.
- I'm sorry, babe.

I'm not even in my office.
I'm out saving the merger.

Can it wait?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No worries.

Okay, great. I'll see you
at dinner. I love you.

[Phone beeps]

Oh, boy.

Well, it's not too late to cancel the
waffle buffet or the Hilary impersonator,

but a lot of these deposits
were non-refundable.

Hey, Larry.

You up for a boys' day out
in a horse-drawn carriage?

Sure. What the heck?

Well, thus begins our
enchanted adventure.

[Chuckles]

God, that movie
really was amazing.

And you know what doesn't get
enough credit in that movie?

- The score.
- Music.

[Gasps]

Good sir,

tally ho.

- God, that... from the movie!
- That is definitely from the movie.

Okay, you two,
head on up there.

We are gonna recreate your
wedding photo from 50 years ago.

Okay, let's
relive that day.

Only this time could we
shave her moustache?

[Chuckles]

Oh, boy. I don't know.

I'm kind of worried about
putting these two on live TV.

They're sort of grumpy.

Why are we wasting our time
with these old people anyway?

They're like the old version of iTunes.

We're like the new
version of iTunes, baby.

We're gonna be
here forever.

Oh, my God.

I'm gonna die someday.

Well, let's just hope that deep down
these two still love each other.

Hey, no touching. This
is not your birthday.

Now, you see, the trick with paella
is to use just enough saffron

- to complement the shellfish.
- Okay.

- Oh, man, that is so good.
- [Chuckles] Oh, yeah.

Wow, isn't this exciting?
In just a few minutes,

you are going to be professing
your love on television.

Could I have a glass of water
before we go on?

Don't give him any water. He does
this annoying thing where every time

he takes a drink of
water he goes, "Ah..."

She does this annoying
thing where every time

she takes a drink of
water she is an old nag.

Ah, the playful banter of a
couple on the same team.

- That's what this is, right?
- All right, let's burn this candle.

Joan, if we could just have a moment.
We need to get ready.

Oh, no, no. We gotta go.
Yeah, the uppers are kicking in.

Just took some ludes to kind of smooth
it out, so I'm right in that sweet spot.

Got about 20 minutes before
I either get really tired

or really horny,
so let's roll.

Dougie, are you sure you
want to go on television?

You look like a leather glove
got caught in a lawnmower.

Okay, you know what? I'm
going to admit something.

I orchestrated the
Pawnee-Eagleton merger,

and I was hoping that your
marriage could show people

that a happy union
is possible.

So when you're out there,
if you could just, you know,

look back over the past 50 years together
and focus on the good times, okay?

Donna, you wanted
to see me?

Yes, I did, troll.

- What? - You tried to adopt a cat
last week and I turned you down,

because I thought it was too
sad for you to have six cats.

Then you tried to blow
up my spot online.

You're fired.

You're not my boss, I work
for the city attorney's office.

You're fired.

How much postage does it take
to send a letter to Canada?

- Who's it going to?
- Canada.

It says, "Dear
Canada, f*ck you."

Doug and Rosie
DeMarco, 50 years.

Ahh.

Tell us how you first met.

Well, it was 1963,

and we met, and
it was great.

- [Laughs]
- Isn't love grand?

50 years of marriage, helping
to bridge the meaningless divide

- between Pawnee and Eagleton.
- Yeah, my show, my questions.

So what is the secret
sauce that we should all

be putting on our
marriage burgers?

Well, we never
go to bed angry.

Never, ever would
have thought of that.

- Ahh.
- Okay.

I can't do this. Leslie,
you can keep your money.

M-money?

[Chuckles]

Did you bribe
them to be here?

- No, I... - Leslie offered us each
200 bucks to keep this going...

- Ah...
- But it's impossible.

You want to know why
we got married?

- Bring it. - I had no prospects, and
Dougie here had an alcohol problem.

Plus the Cold w*r
was happening,

and frankly, we all thought
we were gonna die.

Well, I figured I could
really tick off my parents

by shacking up with
some Pawnee trash.

Ya-ta-ta-ta-ta. Okay.

We all agree that marriages
have their ups and downs,

but at the end of the day,
they're worth it because...

Who likes tap dancing?

[Quietly tap dancing]

I slept with
Sharon in 1979.

I used to get out of the shower in
front of your brother on purpose.

Hey, Leslie, who cares?
They're old people.

They eat, they sleep, they complain,
and they watch Family Feud.

Oh, my God,
I wanna be an old person.

Gah, I don't know what to do.

I wish Ben was here.
What is he doing right now?

[Tango music playing]

[Applause]
Oh, man!

- [Laughing] You did good!
- Larry!

Whoa! Wow. Thank you.

Can I help you?

Yeah, I own Lettuce Eat, the vegan
restaurant on Lowell Drive,

and I wanted to know why you
nailed this letter to my door.

"Veganism is the sad result of a morally
corrupt mind. Reconsider your life."

Because I believe it.
Good day.

Carnivores. You're all the same.

How did that guy know
where to find you?

I assume he saw my
name and address

at the bottom of the letter
I nailed to his door.

- You signed your real name?
- Of course I did.

What's gonna happen? A vegan
is gonna physically att*ck me?

[Chuckles]

They're basically
made of glass.

But more importantly, if you believe in
something, you sign your name to it.

Which is why the makers
of carbonated water

will soon know exactly
where to find me.

Donna, Kyle did not write
those things, okay?

- I did.
- [Gasps]

- I know.
- You do?

I checked what else
that user had written.

It was a review of a funeral home
that said "Great first date spot."

I dragged Kyle in here to see
if you would come clean.

Well, you overestimated how much
I care what happens to Kyle.

Or anyone, really. But...

I'm sorry that I didn't
just talk to you.

And I'm sorry I
bailed on work.

And I'm sorry I toyed with you
instead of coming at you straight.

From now on, we
say what we feel.

- Cool?
- Cool.

Your lipstick looks weird.

You're gonna want to
shut your mouth right now.

Good talk.

I don't know. Maybe Pawneeans and
Eagletonians aren't meant to coexist.

Well, at least our
merger is going well.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

You know, Andy and Tom were right when
they said the DeMarcos don't matter.

Their generation's the past.

The way to make this merger take
hold is to focus on the future.

Of course.

The children. The
children are our future.

Whitney Houston knew it,
and so do you, and so do I.

I'm gonna need your
help on something.

- I think we should go to work...
- Oh.

But not now. We're
having dinner.

Damn, this paella is good.
Did you put saffron in here?

It makes the shellfish
taste delicious.

Yes. Yes, it does.

Okay, the people in this room

are the first members of the
Pawnee-Eagleton Youth Committee.

Now, April says that young people
think the word "committee" is lame,

so let's just think of this as a
like a super chill, fun e-hangout.

Worse. That's worse.

Okay, new people.
Let's introduce ourselves.

Craig Middlebrooks. Samantha in the
boardroom, Miranda in the bedroom.

I know it's not ideal,
but it's who I am.

This is my friend Madison. She's amazing.
And she drove me here!

Okay.

This group has an
incredibly important job.

You need to figure out how
to hold this town together.

You are going to meet twice a week and
you're here because of your energy,

and your youth, and for some
of you, your mental age,

and you're going to find a way
to make this merger stick.

So we are gonna order
you some 'zzas.

You get to B.S.-ing,
brainstorming.

Just chill. Peace out.

Okay, so it's been an hour.

From out there,
it looks like you guys

were having some fun,
getting to know each other.

So why don't we call this
first meeting a success

and then we'll get together
later in the week.

Hold up, sweet pea.
We have an idea.

It's called the
Unity Concert.

It's a massive music and arts
festival to celebrate the merger.

We get artists and musicians from
both towns to come together.

It's gonna be like
a giant Woodstock,

except for instead of everybody
rolling around in mud,

they'll be rolling
around in happiness.

Or maybe mud. I don't know. I
can't control the weather.

We want to have a bunch
of different band stages.

You know, people will go to parts of
the town they don't usually go to.

Plus, we'll have tents
for art exhibits

and panels, and maybe a
short film festival.

Donna said she might be
able to get Ginuwine.

That's given me a
reason to live.

Yeah, it's not like
everyone's gonna suddenly

start holding hands
and making out,

but we figure, why not throw a
big three-day outdoor party,

show everyone a good time, and maybe
they'll forget about this stupid stuff.

[Claps]

What do you think?

[Choked up]
I don't... I don't...

I don't even...
You know what I mean?

What's wrong with her? Why
is making those noises?

[Moans]

Oh, right, you don't know Leslie.

That means she loves it
so much she can't speak.

You guys, that's like...
I don't know... Amazing.

Like... what you do there.

Happy anniversary.

So I know we agreed on no gifts.

- What?
- But I did get you a gift.

- No.
- A bunch of them, actually.

I was gonna surprise you with them
yesterday, but they never reached you.

Ahem.

Oh, my eff-ing God.

[Gasps]

You planned all of this for me?
An enchanted carriage?

This is amazing.

Oh, and your scrapbook
instincts are really good.

I mean, this is a little rough,
but you have a lot of talent here.

Oh, I can't believe I actually defeated
Leslie Knope at a gift exchange.

- Yes!
- Uh, yeah.

About that.

Happy anniversary.

[Gasps]

It's the Iron Throne.

Ohh! It's the Iron Throne.

Yes, it is.

I had a guy at the model
store make a replica.

He's a bigger Game of
Thrones fan than you are.

Okay, I know I'm making that dumb
surprise face, but I can't help it.

This is the greatest gift
I've ever received, Leslie.

When you play the game of
thrones, you win or you die.

Yes.

No.

Yes.

No!

Come here. Come hither, peasant.
Come here. Who are you?

- Our starship is in trouble.
- Okay, Leslie, listen.

If you're not... if you don't know
what you're talking about...